Ghosts (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Gorilla War

1 (SIGHS) (HEAVY BREATHING) (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) (SHUFFLING) (CREAKING) Agh! (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) - SHOUTS: - Testing! (BOTH GASP) (YELLS) Well, that seems pretty conclusive.
She can also hear us.
(GROANING) (SNORING) Clear! This room gonna get some DIY! - (SCREAMS) - DIY! What is this impudence?! This is my room, do you hear me? My room! What sort of heathen just barges in on a lady while she's sleeping? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
(SHOOTS DRILL) What on earth is going on? Daddy gonna drill a hole in the wall Daddy is not drilling any holes in any (DRILLING) This is beyond the pale! No.
What are you do? (DRILLING OVER SPEECH) (FANNY GASPS) Oh, you have got to be joking.
- ALISON: - Mike! - Er Oh! This looks fun! I'm going to call it the smile hole.
- Hello, Lady Button! Morning! - ALISON: Mike! No, no, no! You can't just leave it like this.
Where are you going? You can't just So, what's your favourite morning song? I think mine is There's a lark in the bushel at the corner of the - ALISON: Mike! - Er (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) - They're back! - Who? Them! - Er - (SHRIEKS) Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen.
It is unseemly for a lady to (SHRIEKS) Him! Cover that up at once.
You beastly wretch! I refuse to be taunted in my own home by that lying, cheating - Ex-husband.
You know how it is.
- (WHIMPERS) - Oh, we're the same height! - Do you need a tea? Lady coming through! What's your favourite colour? (ALL TALK AT ONCE) - Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do that! - Aly! There's a cave one and there's an Army one and there's one with no pants on - And a first from Cambridge! - OK, OK.
I know it may seem very real, but remember what they said at the hospital, yeah? "May experience visual disturbances.
" But I can hear them too.
And my Uncle Graeme, he thought he could smell toast, but you know what? There was no toast.
He was having a stroke! He died, Mike.
OK, bad example.
I'm just saying, think about it, what's more likely, that you can see ghosts, or that you're still suffering from severe concussion? - Ghosts.
- Concussion.
- (GHOSTS SIGH) - Exactly.
You don't just Robin, you've been here a while.
Have you ever seen anything like this before? One time, yes.
But was a bear.
Bear was like, "Raargh!" and I'm like, "Argh!" and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!" And I'm like "Woo!" And the bear's like (LAUGHS) You had to be there.
- Rare, then.
- Or magic? - Black magic.
- Perhaps she's just special.
Indeed she is.
And you'll be back to your old self in no time.
- Just give it a few days, yeah? - OK.
- OK? - Yep.
So, Mike, what are you up to? Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff that we can't live without.
- So like heating and hot water and - TV.
But the boiler's next on the list! - (CLATTERING) - After that.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? No.
But Google does, so we're golden.
Wowee.
That's quite the encyclopaedia.
It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs, min.
It's all under control here, so why don't you go and relax? Have yourself a nice war tepid bath.
- ALISON AND GHOST: I'd like that.
- ALISON: Ohh! One of them just said what I said.
See? It's all in your head.
Just give it a few days, yeah? Now go on Bath.
(CLATTERING) Clearly, this changes things.
By some quirk of fate, it would seem - the new Lady Button - She's no lady, and no Button.
Well, whoever she is, she can now both see and hear us, which opens up some intriguing possibilities chiefly the potential for a full-frontal assault.
Order them to leave.
Face-to-face.
Yes! Well, conversings with the dead be witchcraft.
People been burned at the stake for less.
Except of course she isn't truly conversing, is she? She may give ear to my overtures, but, alas, she is yet to respond to any of us.
- She spoke to me.
- What? - What? No, she did not.
- Did.
Said Aaargh! - I don't think that's a word, Robin.
- No.
'Tis.
I had cousin, that's all he said.
(DISTANT BANGING) She's not conversing because Mr Sledgehammer up there has convinced her we are just figments of her imagination, which is why we need a change of tactics.
We work in shifts.
Campaign of attrition.
Guerrilla war.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Gorilla always win.
Why is it always about war with you? - Well - What's wrong with a nice 'hello'? Maybe show them around.
Then we could all sit down and have a nice friendly chat - about this whole hotel business.
- It is nice to be friendly.
- Ideally more than friendly.
- Befriended by you lot? I can't think of anything more annoying.
In fact, you know what? Do that! Yeah, good plan.
That'll send them running.
Perhaps I should handle the negotiations.
Huh? Well, I did, after all, resolve the Arabian crisis of '91.
- What, you stopped a war? - No, I stopped a crisis.
By starting a war, as it happens, but, you know, that's not the point.
The point is, I was lead envoy in the negotiations.
Utter toffee.
You couldn't negotiate your way out of a corn maze.
How dare you! I'm a respected politician and diplomat, and I will not have my credentials called into question by some work-shy Bohemian.
That treaty was my legacy.
(OTHERS LAUGH) Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny.
Fine! I'll prove it to you! Mmm.
Yeah.
Ho-ho! You'll see.
(DISTANT BANGING) Imagine that slammed! Daddy's gonna give it some DIY, DIY Right.
I'll show them.
(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) (GASPS) That's better.
No, no, no, no, no, that's worse! This is awful! I shall write to the owners.
But where's my quill? Maybe I left it downstairs.
Oh, brick it up, you oaf.
I refuse to spend eternity in the company of a halfwit.
- I thought we were friends! - Friends are peers and intellectual equals, Kitty.
- We are neither.
- Fine! Then I'm not letting you go in my canoe.
I just Right, then.
Old boiler.
(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) This'll learn those berks.
(FRUSTRATED YELL) (CREAKING) Hmm.
(WATER DRIPS) (ELECTRICITY FIZZES) Huh.
There's nothing to be scared of.
(GHOSTS MURMUR REASSURINGLY) Daddy gonna fix the boiler now Hmm.
YouTube gonna show Daddy how - GHOSTS: - Ooh! (ERROR ALERT) Come on! (ERROR ALERT) Ugh! Oh, it's not playing ball, is it? (GHOSTS MURMUR) - What's he doing? - Oh, no, Daddy.
No, you need to prime the inlet pump, open the induction loop, repressurise the system, then connect the gas feed, - and then ignite the - Or just hit it with a hammer.
Unbelievable.
- Technophobe.
- Yeah.
Right.
It's going to take a sustained assault to grind her down, - so we'll take it in shifts.
- I'll go first! We have a connection.
A frisson, if you will.
Maybe I should go first.
Let her know the lay of the land.
No.
This is a military campaign, and I'm not the sort to bring up the rear.
No, I'll go first.
- Urgh! - And then you, Pat, and then Mary, and Good heavens.
What on Earth is that? Ah, now, that is the front bit of a television.
I don't know where the back bit is, - but that's the front! - Extraordinary.
- Any luck with the boiler? - Nah, not really.
It's in a pretty bad way.
Looks like some idiot has taken a hammer to it.
I'll have a look at it tomorrow.
Connect this one to the one from the roof and we should get a picture.
Right.
Over the top we go! Now look here.
- As a officer of His Majesty's Armed Forces - (WHISTLES A TUNE) it is my duty to inform you that you are considered an enemy insurgent and you should surrender your territories to incumbent forces with immediate effect or face the prospect OK.
- Very good.
I see what you're doing.
- La-la-la-la-la-la Two can play at that game! Ah! I am the very model of a modern Major-General I've information vegeta ble, animal and mineral I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! (DOCUMENTARY BLARES) You can run, but you can't Hello to you.
Hello! And welcome! On behalf of me and my fellow dead people, may I just say Oh, straight onto the tour, OK! On your left is the Master's chamber, or "chambre", that's French.
Wait! (DOCUMENTARY CONTINUES) You beautiful girl.
(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
TV: Up next, Hitler's Secret Superweapons.
Oh, good Chr I mean, it's Christmas, it's Christmas morning! Alison? Aly? What the bally hell do you think you're doing, sir? What have you done with the tanks? You turn that back on this instant Where are you going? If you were dead, I would thrash your bottom, sir! And there's been a settlement on this site for well over - A while now, although this part - You're not real.
- Well, we're not alive, but we are - I can't hear you.
- Well, clearly you can, because - No, I can't.
- Well, it's just, you keep answering me - No, I don't.
- My turn? - Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's next.
- Get out my way, you soppy bit o' rag.
- Good luck.
Although she's not much of a one for chitchat.
Oh, don't you worries about me.
I've got something up my sleeves.
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out - Boo! - Oh, my! - Boo! (CHUCKLES) - Classic.
- Yes, to replace the boiler.
- So it needs amending.
My entry.
- To reflect my political achievements.
- What did you say, sorry? There's plenty who've done worse than I did, believe you me.
- My phone number - The MP for Watney got horses involved.
- 0-7-9 - Yeah, that's plural! - Horses! It was the shire ones as well.
- Sorry, 0-7 - You know, the ones with the flares? - Can I call you back? A lady employs a knife AND fork.
A lady pinches.
Whores use rouge.
A lady does not hold a carrot like that.
(DOOR SLAMS) A lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself! (SQUEALS) Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, - Get out, get out, get out, get - (SIGHS DEEPLY) - get out, get out, get out - No better? get out, get out, get out, get out Just give it till morning.
I'm sure it'll pass.
get out, get out, get out, get out.
(CLOCK CHIMES) (SIGHS) I am the very model of a modern Major-General I've information vegetable animal and mineral I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! (HUMS MELODY) Oh, God.
Boo! - Agh! - I don't even feel the cold! (LAUGHS) - I am a strong, sane woman.
- He'd crafted it from a rubber glove - and was using the gravy as lubricant.
- Challenges only make me stronger.
And you can imagine the jokes about "the Chancellor's red box".
And then there was this Liberal fellow, well, you can imagine what he got up to.
He was caught in a sailors' sauna, and he was not there to learn about boats.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
- (SLAM!) - Get out! (SLAM!) - Oh! - Alone at last.
(ALISON SCREAMS) - Alison! - Oh, God! - A moment, please, I beg of you.
- You're in my head.
And you in mine, my sweet! What are we doing? You're married, I'm dead.
It can never work.
Can it? Maybe it can.
Like Romeo And Juliet, but specifically the bit where he's already dead and she kills herself to be with him? (GASPS IN PANIC) I am too bold.
Forgive me.
Accurse my impetuous loins! You're not yet free of that buffle-headed bobtail.
I'll wait for you, my comely nug.
- Though some idea of timescale would be - Oh! No, I understand, this is all happening so fast.
I can wait! Lord knows I've had the practice.
- (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) - Come on, man! - I'm trying! - (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) - Well, try harder, man! - (ALISON GASPS) You! I demand you reactivate this device with immediate effect! - Any joy with the people from Goggle? - Me again! Today I thought we could do halls and common passageways.
Get out, get out, get out, get out, - Darling! There you are.
- Ohh - Now, I know I said no pressure, but - None of it is real.
None of it is real.
- A lady doesn't mumble.
- Ohh! Boo! Don't suppose you've seen a body anywhere? Is that a no? (BREATHES DEEPLY) (GIGGLING) Will you be my friend? Agh! (ALL TALK AT ONCE) (YELLS WAR CRY) Do you think it's something we said? - And press the hilt of the venturi - What is a venturi? - into the domed brass union.
- What's a union?! (INSTRUCTIONS CONTINUE) (GHOSTS CHAT AMONGST THEMSELVES) Don't panic.
It takes maybe ten, 20 seconds.
Oh, that's good.
- (RUMBLING AND HISSING) - Oh, that's bad.
- ALISON: Mike! - Jesus, you scared me! It's no good, I need to go and get some Holy Mary Mother of God! - Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? "What's wrong"?! The room is full of zombies! Donkeys? Honey, I promise you it isn't.
Then I have to go back to the hospital and get some drugs or some therapy or a bang on the other side of my head, or whatever it takes to stop me from seeing the cast of The Night Of The Dead every single time I walk into a room! It's Night Of The Living De Not now.
I can't go on like this, OK? So you either drive me to the hospital right now, or I drive myself.
- WHISPERS: And I see things that aren't there! Well, we are.
I'll get my keys.
Ohh.
Red lever.
(GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) - Red lever! - Red lever! - Red lever! - Red lever! (SCREAMS) What now? Aly?! What's wrong? (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) Red lever! Red lever? (HISSING) Oh! On it! (HISSING STOPS) (GHOSTS CHEER) - (GHOSTS GROAN) - Oh, what? (CAR HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY) - How did you know about the red? - Maybe we should go.
Yeah, yeah, we're going.
No, no, no, I mean away from here.
Just move out.
It just doesn't feel right.
What? Why would you say that? (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) It's hard to put my finger on.
All right.
Just one thing at a time, yeah? We'll talk about this later.
Ooh! Electric windows! - Get out of here! - OK, OK! (GHOSTS ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) I say.
Well, fascinating.
But you don't see them now, do you? Not since we left the house.
- Maybe I'm on the mend! - Mmm.
Yes, I know how loans work.
- Sort of.
- As I've said before, sir But surely if we just give you the money back, then - we cannot end the agreement now.
- Yes.
- Do you see? - Yes, I see.
- Do you think it was related to the accident? - Oh, yes, undoubtedly.
Oh, good.
So it should just stop happening, as I heal? Well, my diagnosis, based on what you've told me, is that your accident left you so close to death yourself, you're now able to see dead people.
- What do you mean? - Well, can you see me? - Yes.
- Exactly.
I'm dead.
So sorry to have kept you.
Oh, she's very good.
Ohh! What can I do for you? - All right, listen to what I'm - (ALISON SCREAMS) Wait.
- ALISON: The doctor's dead! I just I don't understand.
If it's come back, why not accept the sedatives? - I mean, they might help with - Because back at the house I see the same faces every day.
But at the hospital, completely different ones.
Different places, different faces.
- Why would my brain do that? - OK, that is It wouldn't.
Because they're not in here.
They're out there.
(GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) Right, we're selling up.
We'll buy a little new-build.
One of those soulless little boxes that I've always hated.
One bed's fine.
Just somewhere with absolutely no past whatsoever.
Right.
Yeah.
It's just OK, well - I don't want you to get mad.
- Am I going to get mad? Yes.
I spoke to the loan people and, with the prepayment penalties and Well, long story short, getting out now would probably bankrupt us.
And I only added "probably" to make it sound better.
Didn't you read the contracts?! I gave them what I'd call a lengthy skim.
Oh, Mike, I could kill you! Ooh! Good idea! Though maybe not here, just because he might (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) Right! Well, there's only one thing for it, isn't there? Fine! I see you! OK?! I see Major-General Can't-Sing, I see Captain Cave-Prick, I see all of you! OK? You win! Mission accomplished! I admit your existence.
Now what the hell do you want?! - We want you out of this house! - Yes, you do not belong here! Well, that's tough, isn't it? Because thanks to my resident mortgage advisor, we're stuck here! - OK, you're officially freaking me out.
- So how about you leave? - We can't leave.
- You sort of just stays where you dies.
And how you dies Died! It's your classic haunted house.
- Er, Alison - Whoa.
Right.
So I can't go and you can't go.
So what will it take to get you all just out of my face, huh? What do you want? What do you actually want?! Specifically! You? Right! I'll tell you what we want.
We demand that One hour a week of the thing about tanks and anything on superweapons, please? Thank you.
- Done! Next.
- It feels like I should call someone? Who you gonna call?! You, Sourpuss.
Remove my husband's portrait, and fill the hole in my wall! - Done.
You? - Divorce him, kill yourself, marry me.
- No.
- To which bit? - You? - I just wanted to say hello!! - Hello! - Oh, hello.
And on behalf of myself and my fellow ghosts Listen.
I want those slanderous beggars at Goggle to amend my entry for the next edition.
I am a respectable It doesn't work like that, it's the internet.
Right.
And where are they based? It's everywhere.
In every house in the country, in the world.
You mean every person on the planet just thinks of me as the weirdo MP who died in some sex scandal? - That was you?! - What? No! I don't want anything, actually.
Who's next? Renounce Satan, witch! Um OK! Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it.
And what about you, Budget Tarzan? What do you want? - Oh, nuffin', thanks.
- Nothing? So you just spent So you just spent the last three days hiding in every little tiny little dark corner in this entire house, scaring me out of my mind, for no reason?! Well, it was something to do.
My turn! I think we've got a lot in common.
OK, so I've just googled "psychotic break" and I'm not saying that this is one, but there is an article that I think you should have a Mike, this isn't Can you just come with me? All of you! - Where are you going? - To shut you all up.
Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko.
Dooka-dakka-deeko.
OK, you go.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Even more softly.
When's our sleepover again? - Eighth of March.
- And what is it now? - June.
- Oh! So exciting! How long's this on for? I need to contact this Vicky Pedia.
Shh! Shh! (DOCUMENTARY PLAYS) Er, well played.
Perhaps there is some Button blood in those veins after all.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure I buy all this, but I've moved the painting.
And bricked up the hole? Yeah, I filled the hole.
(HUMS CHEERILY) Argh! Oh, this will NOT stand! Well, you seem happier.
The good news is I'm not mad.
That's a relief.
What's the bad news? (GHOSTS ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) They are.
(TAPPING) - Alison! - Turn the right-hand dial horizontal.
And press the ignition.
Hey! OK.
I believe you.
And, er - thank you? - They say you're welcome.
"They"? You mean there's two of them?! Yes.