Ghosts (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Moonah Ston

1 And Congratulations.
- On what? - Well, all the doors are now shut, and I just sealed the last window.
So you know what that means? We should get a carbon monoxide alarm? No.
Well, yes.
But it also means that pigeon can't get in here.
Which I'd say calls for a toast.
I thought we were saving that to celebrate the woodworm treatment.
Nah, it's only prosecco.
I'll buy another bottle.
See, this is why we wait for the woodworm treatment.
Quick.
Block the hole before the pigeon gets How? - Mike, it won't shut with that on.
- Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
They're just holding it while I put the Sellotape on.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Bitches.
They don't listen.
Women? Barclay.
Beg-Chetwynde.
Wh What's that? That's me.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde.
From next door.
We have a next door? Yes, about a mile that way.
I own the You know the village? - Yeah.
- Yes, I own that.
We summer in Tuscany, but got back and saw you'd moved in.
Thought I should come say how do? Right.
Yeah.
I'm Alison, and this is Mike.
Sorry, come in.
Thank you.
- What you say? - Tally.
Tally.
Must have seen a ghost.
Didn't you know? This place absolutely riddled with them.
So legend has it.
There's a lady falls from a window - in the west wing.
- East wing.
- Dressed in white.
- Grey.
- Georgian.
- Edwardian.
Attractive.
Early 20s.
And a strange creature that roams the grounds, half man, half ape.
- Well, I haven't seen anything.
- No.
- No, he hasn't.
- It's probably all tosh and piffle.
Anyway, reason I called, incepto ne desistam I remember this berk.
Met him at a party fundraiser here back in the day.
Rich as Croesus.
Loves the sound of his own voice.
Which reminds me of a very funny story I heard once on a golf course.
Now, there was Brucie.
That's Brucie Forsyth Guys.
Guys, anecdote.
Anecdote alert, right in the middle of one.
Now, it doesn't really affect your grounds inside the gates, but the path outside the gates is on my deed, so, technically, you have to cross a strip of my land every time you enter your house.
We had no idea.
It's a simple thing to sort out, but probably worth a quick powwow at some point.
- Yeah, sure.
Well, we'll - Maybe you could come to dinner some time? Splendid idea.
See you at eight.
I'm free.
I'll bring a Pelaverga.
- What's a? - And Bunny can't eat beef.
Well, she can, but she shouldn't, if you know what I mean.
Right, once more unto the breach.
Come along, bitches.
Is that all of them? Never mind.
What did you do that for? Because he's got some weird claim over our driveway, so we should probably keep him sweet.
Besides, he's our way in.
- To what? - Society, Mike.
We're posh now.
We should be mixing with other poshos.
- But he is awful.
- So? Some awful people have really nice friends.
I mean, look at your mate Greg.
- What's wrong with Greg? - Nothing.
Hello, girl.
You're lovely, in't you? It's worth it.
Hello, girl.
I can't touch any more.
Um book? Film? Five words.
The Importance Of Being Earnest.
Great Expectations.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
It's Tootsie.
Tootsie.
It's Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Stop saying Tootsie.
What be a tootsie? Round er, covering - It's an eclipse.
- Eclipse.
- Moonah eclipse.
- God, not this again.
- Must we humour this bull calf? - It's absolutely asinine.
It is a wonderful group activity, and he doesn't ask for much.
Well, he can't ask for much.
Hey.
Me speak good.
Well.
Me speak well.
I.
I'm not actually free tonight, but I could do Thursday.
No.
Eclipse is tonight.
All right, all right, all right.
We'll do it, provided I can do the reading.
Not a chance, sir.
Me always do the reading.
- I - Very well.
We'll put it to the vote.
Who would you like to hear speak more, me or Thomas? Be there a third option? Yeah, that is pretty much what I thought.
Torn thing of peas and a frozen lasagne.
Make your lasagne.
Mike, my lasagne is frozen lasagne.
I'm not serving them that.
I don't want them thinking that we're the sort of that people that we are.
Well, what do posh people eat? - Turtle soup.
- No.
- What? - Turtle soup.
Yeah.
No.
- Oyster rissoles? - Oyster rissoles? You don't like shellfish, and I'm not eating anything's rissole.
I don't think it means what you think it means.
What about pheasant? What? Up a bit.
Left a bit.
Can't we just go to the shops? No, we haven't got time.
Just concentrate.
Down a bit.
A bit more.
Bit more.
Bit more - Do you want to do it? - You lost the toss.
- Little bit more.
- Bit more.
- I don't think I can do - Fire, fire, fire.
Go.
Gleaming bundook op from the civvy.
We'll have him out boshing Jerry in no time.
- What did he say? - No idea.
And then something racist.
There's a hare.
There's a hare.
There's a hare.
- He says, there's a hare.
- There's a hare.
Pom-pom.
This is grim.
Why did I have to pluck it? In the oven for 20 minutes.
No, you have to de-gloves the gizzards.
Well, it doesn't say that here and, no offence, Mary, but I trust the book more than you My God.
Gizzards.
Right, you're in charge of the pheasant.
Call me when it looks done.
- Done.
- OK, I'm going to change into What do posh people wear? - Crowns? - I'm asking the wrong person.
Yes, yeah.
That smells gamey.
Left a bit No, right a bit.
- No, left a bit - It's fine.
It's amazing, isn't it, to think, a sacred site right here for all those years? - Your own little Stonehenge.
- No.
Stonehenge copied.
- OK.
All right, all right.
- Well.
Settle down.
Now, the eclipse itself will be at Dong-dong-dong - dong-dong-dong - Robin.
Yes, thank you, Robin.
We got it the first time.
It'll be at 2100.
Nine o'clock.
Now, I trust everyone remembers the drill? - I, of course, will be doing the reading - Farcical.
It should be I Me.
Based on Robin's recollection of the original ritual.
Er, thank be to moonah.
Good light in sky Loosely based.
Any questions? Excellent.
And, as always, our muster point will be right - here.
- Moonah stone.
No, you heathen.
Spoon on the outside, spoon on the outside.
I can't look.
Is that what you're wearing? Me? You look like Downton Abbey.
Abbey's not a character, Mike.
And, for your information, this is entirely appropriate evening attire for entertaining guests of such refined social standing.
The Beg-Chetwyndes are de-facto gatekeepers for the county's social calendar, and are possessing of a very fine I know what you're doing.
Fine.
But I am reliably informed that this is how posh people dress, so I'm sorry, but I'm not changing anything.
I'll put on a shirt if you lose the pearls.
Yep, OK.
Hurry up.
They're here, they're here.
How do I look? The same, Kitty.
And remember, don't Just don't.
This is important to us.
Annabel.
Alison.
This is Bunny.
Bunny, this is Annabel.
Alison.
Sorry we're early, I drove here.
Yeah.
Michael, Bunny.
Bunny, Michael.
Smashing shirt.
Who is it? It's me? And I'm Kitty.
I'm wearing what I died in.
Splendid to welcome you.
Please do come in on on in through.
Super.
Bunny's been so looking forward to meeting you.
Have I? Et voila.
Pelaverga.
Let me see.
Let me see it.
- Let me see.
- Thank you.
That is most kind.
I am so sorry.
My wife recently had a head injury, which has caused some of her behaviour to be a little Mike, why don't you pop down to the cellar and try and find us another bottle of wine? - Er, yeah - And I can show our guests through.
Do come in on.
The building work is still under way, - so you may have to adjust your - Bra strap.
Bra strap.
Expectations.
So, indeed, they advised myself to just sell the house without even seeing it, but I said Don't speak with your mouth full.
But I said that Sorry, it's gone.
So, yeah, the idea is to turn it into a hotel.
An 'otel? Could be a nice little earner.
- Well, it will not be easy, but - Elbows.
I think we're on top of things.
Me, me, me.
What's louder, me or that? Me, me, me.
Sorry, I just need to go and have a word with my myself.
Me Who's had that? Mary.
Didn't you smell burning? I always smells burning.
Would you eat that? Well, I hasn't eaten in 400 years, but no.
Maybe I can salvage it? - That's burnt.
And I'd know.
- Right.
Where's the, um? Voila.
Pheasant stew.
Right, you watch this.
I've got to get back up there - and convince them I haven't lost my marbles.
- What are marbles? - Just call me when it's reduced.
- Right.
Reduced to what? Sorry about that.
Er, cremated the pheasant.
But all sorted now.
So, um, let's just pretend that this evening so far never happened, and start right So, Alison - Annabel.
- Annabel.
And now thanks be to the wondrous moon and the guiding light it giveth between 2100 hours Dramatic pause.
Take a breath.
Give it some light and shade.
Blessed moon as spied from the Earth.
Bright as thine eyes.
Round as thine eyes.
Yet too far apart, like thine No, I don't mean your eyes, I mean Thorne.
I'm doing the reading.
I won the vote.
To be fair, it was very close and entirely non-binding.
Wouldn't you say? Yes, I wouldn't.
Or would I? I I was saying to Mike Just this morning it's been unseasonably warm for the time of year.
Bread? No, thank you.
A lady does not raise her voice in polite company.
Stew update.
All the water's turned to clouds.
Is it a bad time? Mike.
Bit of a problem with the old electrics again.
Maybe you should show our guests the fuse box.
Um, yeah.
The fuse box.
Right, fuse box.
Yeah.
This way, then, guys.
Yeah.
Right.
I'll come back.
Now, you listen to me.
I don't know what's going on here, but Kitty.
But it stops right now, because I'm having a dinner party, which should be clear from the fact that I'm having a dinner party.
But this moonah eclipse very special.
I don't care what it is.
It stops right now.
Now, hang on a moment.
This is a time-honoured ritual that means a great deal to Robin and, frankly, I think he deserves a little respect.
- Yes.
Moonah is - Shut up, Robin.
The point is, we were here first, so maybe you lot should take your leave.
No.
This is my house now and I'm not going anywhere.
Well, neither are we.
Quite right.
Sorry.
Wait there.
Right.
Stand firm, everybody.
I don't know what she has in her arsenal, but we shall remain resolute against the tyranny that is What in the name of St Cuthbert? It's all the colours at once.
But what does it do? I'm so glad you asked.
Come this way.
But, no, wait - It's a compact disc.
- Guys.
But it's moonah.
And last but not least, we have this one, - which is "west wing socks.
" - Sockets.
Yeah.
That makes more sense.
And I think that is all the fuses I can show you.
- Fascinating.
- Yeah.
To be honest, there's not really anything that fabulous down here.
Speak for yourself.
Plonk.
- Clearly a connoisseur.
- I'll grab another bottle.
Actually, while we've got a moment, perhaps we could just discuss the whole access issue? - I don't - Splendid.
Now, the former owner and I just had a gentleman's agreement, but if you're going to run this place as a business, you probably want something a bit more official in place, - financially speaking.
- Um So, what if I were to sign over access rights to you for What shall we say? I don't know.
20? 20? 20's fine.
Wonderful.
And since we're all friends now, let's call it 19,500.
Sorry.
Less 30 quid for that.
Wow.
Look at the quality.
Knocks the socks off of Betamax.
It's called Friends.
It's a comedy.
Like Vanity Fair.
No, that's a magazine.
And this is a box set.
So, plenty more where that came from.
Have fun, don't leave the room and Don't leave the room.
It just appears to be five people sitting around on a sofa.
What's so amusing about? Hello.
Who is this? - Annabel.
- Sorry, sorry, won't be a moment.
No hurry.
- OK.
Slight problem.
- And it was going so well.
Yeah.
So you know the whole access thing? Barclay said that we could have the rights for 20 grand.
Ha.
Yeah.
Dream on, mate.
Yeah.
I know, right? The thing is, I think I shook on it.
- What? - Well, he held his hand out.
What was I supposed to do? Not shake it? - Yes.
- I can't do that.
It's too awkward.
If someone puts their hand out, I always shake it.
Can this evening get any worse? Right.
Stew news.
I believes it has reduced.
That is beyond reduced.
Yeah, I've got to be honest, I don't know what "reduced" means.
Yeah.
Well, that was wonderful.
- Yes.
- However do you get it so square? Secret, I'm afraid.
Old family recipe.
- Another.
- No, come on, Buns, you've had enough.
Right, then, port and poker.
Money on the table.
Actually, talking of money About the access thing That's all sorted.
Worked something out with your fella here.
Come on.
Good lad.
Right, am I dealing everyone in? - Yep.
- I'm afraid we don't play.
I play.
I'm a player.
- I'm not sure you are, Mike.
- I am a player.
OK.
Right, well, I guess I'm getting the port, then.
Deal.
There we go.
That's yours Dear.
I've lost 100 quid.
- Beginner's luck, I assure you.
- Another hand? She is beguiling, the Lady Rachel.
Is it her hair? Perhaps it's her hair.
There's something about her hair.
I'm Phoebe.
And Lady Button's Monica.
And the Captain's Ross.
What? No.
I'm clearly Chandler.
It's a dry wit, but it's there.
I'm sorry, did we zip our lips? I think we zipped our lips.
There'll be a light In the dark Robin.
We're watching Friends here, mate.
Right, I need your help.
No, no, no.
It's important.
As is this.
My empathy's hewn betwixt lovelorn Ross and Joey, the Veronan lothario.
- No, you don't understand - No, young lady, you do not understand.
You cannot banish us with one breath, and then demand our reinforcement with the next.
No moonah stone, no help lady.
- Come on.
Surely one of you will? - Alison.
Just to check, can I stops watching the pot now? - I can't play gambles.
- No, no, you don't need to.
Just look at his cards and tell me what you see.
Yeah? Sorry.
Needed a wee.
Better out than in.
I've dealt you a hand.
Great.
Great, great, great.
In fact, why don't we make this interesting? Double or nothing.
If you win the game, then we you pay double what you wanted - for access to our drive.
- What? 40,000? And if I lose? You sign it over for free.
You're trying to bluff me.
Nice try, but nothing gets past me, Annabel.
- You're on.
- Are you insane? Right.
Yeah.
There's a person whose blanket is also a person, but it's upside down and be like they've had a quarrel.
There's a number more than three but with a shape that's like a loaf, but it's on its side, on the end of a wrong stick.
Just pop a cheque in the post.
Or a banker's draft, whatever's easier.
Was I wearing shoes? Honestly.
Can't take her anywhere.
Come on.
Silly moo.
There you are.
Now, it's saying to load the next disc into the We need disc two.
Where's disc two? Forget it, OK? Thanks to you, we just lost £40,000.
What? What did we do? Nothing.
That's the whole point.
40 grand? To that gasbag? What did you do, play him at poker? She did.
Sorry, just to clarify, that was a firm answer on disc two? Word of advice, never play someone who can afford to lose.
Not as if he needs the money either.
Unless it's for legal fees.
Maybe they've finally found out about that bank account in Fiji.
- Now, keys.
- Not sure you should drive, Buns.
No.
I'm fine.
Look.
- I stand corrected.
- Yep.
- Thank you for a lovely evening, Annabel.
- Alison.
And no hard feelings about the whole, you know? No, no, no, no, a deal's a deal.
- I was thinking of doing a bank transfer.
- Ooh.
Very modern.
I'll "e-mail" you my details.
Great, great.
And is that for your current account or the Fiji account? What's the Fiji account? You know what? What's a little card game between friends? Let's Let's just forget this silly money nonsense.
I'll sign over the access rights to you gratis and pop the papers in the post first thing.
Come along, Bunny.
Was that lasagne beef? How did you know he had a? Thank you.
They're not here.
They're upstairs watching Friends.
- This place is weird.
- Yeah.
Look out, Bunny, that's the gate.
I can see it.
Still, that's one problem sol I mean, I didn't like that pigeon, but that is no way to go.
- Better than being shot.
- Yeah.
No second disc, guys.
Could that BE any more vexing? You all right, mate? What is it, you know, about the moon? Why do you care so much? Before you was moonah.
Before house was moonah.
Everything come, everything go.
But always there.
Moonah.
The only thing that's been here as long as you have.
Several of cubs.
- Getting closer.
- Knock-knock.
I say that cos I can't, erm I just wanted to say sorry for what happened at dinner.
From all of us.
Well, mainly from me, because Julian can take or leave you, and Lady Button's not keen, and as for the Captain, well Pat, it's fine.
I mean, well, no, it isn't.
But we'll muddle through.
Eight of hearts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In that spirit, so to speak, I actually had a little favour I wanted to ask.
It's for Robin.
Right, so, are you going to get the ghosts or? They're here.
We might've missed the ritual this year, but Well to old friends.
- To old friends.
- Old friends.
God, I miss booze.
Robin, light pollution.
Yeah.
Pray tell, how you doing? No, don't.