Ghosts (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Viking Funeral

1 - Who are you? - We are ghosts.
While most spirits pass on to the afterlife, we are cursed to spend eternity Oh, and she's gone.
Now what's gonna happen to the house? This is huge.
And it's all ours! This must be them, the new folks that own the house.
W watch out! - Oh.
- Oh! Oh, my God.
Sam! Seems as if your accident left you so close to death that you somehow gained the ability to actually see dead people.
They're here.
They're all behind you.
Hello! I don't see anybody.
There's a bunch of zombies down here! Zombies? Zombies aren't real.
- We're ghosts.
- Okay, fine.
I see all of you.
I admit your existence.
Happy? What? You're not even listening to me.
Babe, you're not listening tome.
The Livings, they are fighting.
Ooh, nothing better than watching a good husband-wife argument.
What's the beef? He wants to fix the roof, - and she wants to fix the fountain.
- Ah.
Home renovation a classic of the genre.
Shall we go spectate? I mean, we're literally watching paint dry.
These new glosses are fantastic.
But, yeah, fight's probably more interesting.
So, imagine you're a guest driving up to our B&B and the first thing you see is this giant gleaming fountain.
Look, babe, nobody loves a fancy fountain more than I do, but He's gonna pivot back to the roof.
I think we need to focus on the bigger picture.
Which is the roof.
- Ha-ha! Ding, ding! - Oh! You nailed that! Please be quiet! Excuse me, am I not allowed to have an opinion? I was talking to the ghosts.
Because ghosts are a real thing and my wife talks to them now.
Wait, are they in here? Yes, they are.
And they are very annoying.
- Well, that's uncalled for.
- She's not wrong.
- That's a little harsh.
- Look, I didn't want to bring this up, but I did give in on moving here for you.
Somebody's playing card of guilt.
I gave up my job.
I gave up my friends.
I know, and I appreciate you.
But we're gonna have to fix the fountain eventually.
And, just so you know, the ghosts agree with me.
She making things up! - Ruthless.
- So hot.
So, shall I talk to the contractor? Sure.
Why not? - Ooh! Mwah! Mwah! Ooh.
- Well.
Well done.
All right.
Love you! So, back to the paint? - Ooh! I wonder if it dried lighter.
- Hmm.
Let's go see.
Sam! Quick favor.
Could you look up all the Mets scores for me for the last 37 years? And I'd like to know how all my stocks performed after I died.
My big three were Circuit City, Enron and Blockbuster.
This Spotify thing, am I on there? Ooh, I'd love to hear some of my old recordings, instead of that racket Jay's been listening to.
Guys, could you just give me a minute? - I really have to finish this article.
- Sam, would love to smell some pizza.
Any chance of you throwing one in the oven? - I actually already ate.
- Yeah, a salad.
What am I supposed to do with that? - So, again, the Mets? - Uh-uh, Pete, you got to take a number.
- You're in line behind us.
- Guys Just tell me how many RBIs Keith Hernandez had in '87.
- Give me something.
- Just go to the At the very least, just, like, a piece of toast.
Do not ignore a woman.
- It takes two seconds - Guys! Guys, I get that it's cool that you have access to a Living now, but you cannot just bombard me with questions all day.
So, why don't you choose a representative and that person and that person only can come to me with requests? Well, how are we supposed to pick who does that? I don't know.
Have an election! You okay, ma'am? Y yeah.
Just just on on Bluetooth.
And, in summary, do the election.
I don't even know what she pretending to be doing.
There's something with the fountain I need to show you and Jay.
Oh, uh, okay.
That's not gonna be good news.
- Yeah, probably should've done the roof.
- Shut up, Pete! My name is Mark.
Course it is.
Bye, Pete.
We were trying to figure out how this thing's fed.
We came across some cast iron piping.
- That'll have to be swapped out.
- That sounds cheap.
But that's not what I needed to show you.
While we were digging, we found this.
Oh, my God! Is that ? That's right.
Human remains.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Who is that? - Whoa.
- Oh.
That's me! - Are you sure that's you, Thor? - Yeah, I died right here.
I watched my flesh rot and my bones swallowed by the earth over hundreds of years.
- Was pretty cool.
- Thing is, I got to report it to the county.
- No! - They'll investigate, and if they declare it a crime scene, the whole site gets shut down.
Project could get delayed for months.
Months? Months? What if the bones were really old? Like, uh like Viking bones? Just to randomly name some type of really old bones.
Pretty sure there weren't any Vikings around here.
- He lies! - Well, actually Here we go.
- We sailed down the coast from lands north - Vikings sailed down the coast - from lands north - sent sorties Uh, from Canada.
Sent sorties inland to search for furs.
- Beavers, otters, moose.
- Beavers, otters, moose.
And when you find moose, - much plenty you shall have.
- And when you find moose, much plenty you shall have.
She really loves the show Vikings.
Well, if it is Viking, they'll reach out to the state archeology department, they call in the nerds with the toothbrushes the whole thing takes longer.
Sorry, guys.
But first thing tomorrow, I got to call this in.
This is so bad.
We cannot afford a months-long delay.
We have loans to repay.
I'll give you a piece of advice my bootlegger boyfriend used to live by: get rid of the damn body.
What if the bones just disappeared? - What are you talking about? - Well, what if he came back tomorrow and the bones were just gone? And then there's no reason to call the county.
No bones, no problem.
Who are you? While I'm having a moment of lucidity, - can we just go over this one more time? - Sure.
Sam wants us to select a ghost representative to funnel all of our requests through.
Right on.
So, now, who is Sam? Am I Sam? - And the moment's passed.
- So now we can't even approach Samantha? That's no way to treat a human being.
Who are we, my butler? Okay.
So I guess we just vote? - Fine.
Let's do it.
- Yeah.
Oh, if only it were that simple.
No, my friends, democracy, though the best form of government, is a tedious and flawed process.
There will be hours of debate.
Long, boring speeches we'll have to sit through.
Or we could dispense with all of that, - pick me and be done with it.
- Mm.
Mazel tov.
You win.
You've chosen wisely, my friends.
Now it is tradition for the victor to give some remarks.
Don't worry.
I'll keep it to a brisk hour.
I knew from an early age Aw, screw it.
I'm running against this windbag.
- What? - Ooh Not 'cause I want the gig.
I just don't want him to have it.
What? This is ridiculous.
You were a singer.
I was at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
- No, you weren't.
- I was outside.
They started early.
Point is, I practically invented democracy.
Actually, indigenous governments were the model for American federalism, so But the electoral college and the powdered wig! Oh, my! Come on! Oh, pop some popcorn, 'cause this is about to get good.
We also invented popcorn.
You're welcome.
Oh, this can't be legal.
This is a crime.
We're committing a crime.
It's victimless.
The victim is literally here saying it's okay.
It's cool.
- So, how did you end up here? - Well, I fell in love with a white girl with a cute, cute butt and then she inherited a haunted house - and then - Babe, I'm talking to Thorfinn.
Well, it was a long time ago.
Seven winters after the Battle of Svolder.
I was tracking beasts across the land when a great storm gathered.
But before I could find shelter In retrospect, a metal helmet was probably not great idea.
Oh, my God.
He was struck by lightning.
What are we gonna do with these? I mean, him.
I mean, you.
Sorry to point at you with your own bone.
Viking funeral! - What? - What'd he say? Every Viking boy, from very little, dreams of dying horrifically and having a most triumphant Viking funeral.
It is a very special day.
But Thor never have one.
He wants a Viking funeral.
What, like we shoot a flaming arrow and burn the bones in a boat? Yes! Yes! Small man knows.
- Yep.
- That does sound kind of cool.
And it would be a great way to get rid of the evidence.
I beg of you.
I will forever be in your debt.
It seems really important to him.
- Okay, big guy, then I just have one ask.
- Jay.
Can I shoot the flaming arrow? I married a nine-year-old.
I like small man.
He is fun.
Yeah, it was crazy.
We came downstairs and we were like, "Whoa!" and the and the bones, they were just gone.
- Hmm.
- So you don't have to call the county anymore, huh? Which is good.
All right.
So they're just gone? Yeah.
Must've been an animal? Wild dog? - Y'all got wild dogs out here? - Hey, man, I don't really care.
I didn't want this site shut down either.
That being said, I was talking to a buddy of mine.
He said that if the bones were actually Viking, could be worth a pretty penny.
- Really? - Yeah.
A museum would definitely buy them.
But you don't have them, right? Nah.
Sucks about those wild dogs.
Sam?! So, can I count on your support, Hetty? Well, I do believe that women should have each other's backs.
- Yes.
- No.
But I don't believe that women should be allowed to vote.
- Hmm.
- I won't get into the whos and whys, but it has something to do with overtaxing the female brain.
What the hell? Come on, Hetty! I fully endorse your position, which is why you should vote for me! Illegitimate though that vote may be! Okay, so that should be everything.
I found an old canoe out in the boathouse by the pond, and Jay has been practicing with his arrow.
And mead.
Oh, need mead.
Watch you and small man drink.
- Yes.
- We don't have any mead.
No mead? So what do you drink at your orgies? Bro, Viking life sounds awesome.
You know, I was wondering if funerals are so important in your culture, how come you never had one? Told you.
Was - alone on a mission.
- Yeah, I know.
But-but when you didn't, you know, return, could they not find you or Don't interrogate Thor! Less talk, more brew mead! What was that all about? Well, it's a complicated time.
There's obviously a lot of emotion wrapped up with this whole funeral.
Plus, it's been a thousand years since his last orgy.
Big guy's a little pent-up.
You got a sec? It's about your vote.
- Please not this again.
- Just let me say my piece.
When you were alive, women couldn't vote.
And when I was alive, we got the vote but they ain't make it easy.
And for people like me, it was still almost impossible, because the Man didn't want to give up that power.
Yeah, and the Man tried to make us wear bras and shave our pits.
Drop acid, not bombs! Okay.
The point is too many people worked too hard and sacrificed too much for you to just throw this away.
Alberta you have my vote.
Oh! Yes! Oh, look at that.
I used my female brain to exercise my rights and I don't feel the vapors coming on at all.
Wait, hold on.
No, I'm good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are we alone right now? - Yes.
- Okay.
Check this out.
Turns out Viking bones are actually really rare and very valuable.
- Really? - Yeah.
I called the Natural History Museum in Albany, and they say that if the bones are genuine, they'll buy them.
- Well, for how much? - Enough to pay for the fountain and the roof.
And extra money to put a booth in the kitchen like Chip and Joanna did in the last season.
The Christmas episode? Empty nesters looking to downsize? - That's what I'm talking about, baby.
- Oh.
But I already told Thorfinn.
I know.
And I wish there was another way, but we need the money.
And as much as it pains me to say, I think we got to sell that big Viking's bones.
Okay, you're right.
How you gonna break it to him? Um, I will figure something out.
This is gonna be great for us.
Ooh, I'm excited.
- Die, little man! - Please stop.
So you're saying we get to vote for this - ghost representative thing? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, absolutely.
You're no different than those of us who live upstairs.
- Not too close, my dear friend.
- Wow.
- No one ever thinks of us.
- Oh, but I do.
I think of you.
In fact, I will have vivid memories of this conversation for a long, long time.
So, can I count on your vote? Hmm? I promise, if elected, your voice will be heard.
So Um, okay! You know what? Thank you so much for your support! I am a man of the people! Good day! Oh, my God.
Hmm, look at the poor brute.
This is all my fault.
Don't worry.
He'll get over it in, like, 50 years.
He might mention a Norse curse, but we don't think that's real.
I mean, you know why we did it, right? It's not like Jay and I had a choice, right? Sure, sure.
Although part of me did wonder if, in finally getting his funeral, we might see the big oaf get sucked off.
- Excuse me? - Sometimes very rare occasions when a ghost is able to resolve a long-standing issue, the heavens open up and whoosh, they get sucked off.
- Yeah, we all dream of getting sucked off.
- Mm-hmm.
A and that's the term that you guys decided Don't tell them.
Please? This is all I have.
Let me get this straight.
So, if we had the funeral, there's a chance that Thor might go up? - Get sucked off? Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
But, again, rarely happens.
- I've seen it maybe once.
- But if it did, we'd never see him again.
Like ever.
He deserves it though.
Would love to see the big guy get sucked off.
It would be lovely.
Hey, Thor.
We just came in to see how you're doing.
He grunted.
Thor, I'm really sorry about the funeral, but, listen, uh, we're kind of stretched financially right now.
We literally owe thousands of penningars.
I looked up Viking money.
- Aw.
- Do what you must.
But know this: Jormungandr the Midgard Serpent will be visiting you in your night sleeps, and your firstborn child will have head of cabbage.
Okay, are we good? What's he saying? It's not great.
Do you want to know the real reason why I did not get Viking funeral? Why shipmates did not find Thorfinn? Thor never tell anyone this.
The reason why I was wandering here alone was because I was left behind.
They abandoned me.
For reasons unknown.
Oh, Thor.
Sam, you stay strong, woman.
And now you have abandoned me, too.
His shipmates abandoned him.
Jay, the ghosts told me that if we help him, there's a small chance he could get s he could move on to the afterlife.
Sam, we really need the money.
Yes, we could use the money, but we would survive without it.
He's been here a thousand years.
Look, I know he's a ghost.
But if we don't help him, aren't we the real monsters? Babe, that was so poetic.
- I know, right? - Oh, my Mmm.
Oh All right.
Funeral's back on.
Hey, Thor, buddy.
Funeral's back on.
Oh, no, he left the room.
This is getting really confusing.
We got to work on this.
Thor! - Thor! - Thor! The funeral's on! Yes! By the fangs of Fenrir, I thank you.
Is he happy? Yay! Oh, so about that curse Can't be undone.
What curse? It gives me great pleasure to cast the deciding vote for Alberta! Who made me realize that women should vote.
Although I'm still against them going to college.
Baby steps.
Isaac, you ran a good campaign.
Just not as good as mine.
Point of order: I believe not all the votes have been counted.
- Oh, God.
- You may have thought your upstairs votes were all that mattered.
But true democracy leaves no one behind.
And they stand with me.
But not too close.
Not too close.
Well, this seems a little underhanded.
Let the coronation proceed.
We're all voting for Creepy Dirk.
But that would make him the winner.
So, uh, when do I get to talk to the lady that smells good? Yeah, democracy is broken.
It's a flawed system, everyone.
- All right.
Now, remember, just like we talked about.
- Ooh! - Keep your back straight.
- Keep your back straight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now pull back slowly but evenly - with the first - Now pull back I would take Pete's advice on this with a grain of salt.
of your index and middle fingers.
Bravo, bravo.
Thor wants to thank Samantha and small man for making special day possible.
Though I wish you would have secured mead.
But we'll let that go.
- You're welcome, Thor.
- Mm-hmm.
Sometimes you meet a bro and you're like, "This is a bro " I just wanted to say that, even though neither of us won the election, you have won my respect.
Where is this going? I resorted to dirty tricks, and you, you inspired people.
That's the mark of a truly talented politician.
Well, you know, I do have that star quality.
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that you don't.
No, it's a fair critique.
I was never the type the commoners liked to have an ale with.
Those dirty, filthy, ignorant commoners.
Hard to see why they didn't like you.
It's a mystery.
Now is typically time when we have orgy.
But orgy without mead is very awkward.
Oh! It's happening! He is getting sucked off! By the eye of the All-father! Valhalla! Wait! Thorfinn, I love you.
I've always loved you.
Why you wait till now to say this? So many years wasted! Please extinguish the fire in the middle of the pond! You do not have a permit.
- Sorry! - Yeah, I'll take care of it right now! Thank you! Uh So, now seems like we have second chance.
You know, I think I kind of got caught up in the moment.
Just And I-I don't really want to be tied down.
- Moving on! - Yeah.
- Not in love.
- Cool, cool.
Thank you for doing all this.
It really meant a lot to him.
I'm glad.
And, um, don't worry about the house and everything.
We got a lot to fix up, but we'll figure it out.
Custom booth would've been nice.
It would've been a game changer.
But I got to say, watching my man fire that arrow, pretty hot.
The fire.
The fire is what's hot.
As fire is.
And no one can argue with that.
So How are you, big guy? I am happy.
It was not time for Thor to be sucked off.
Shipmates may have abandoned Thor, but you did not.
And that goes for all of you! You have never abandoned me.
And for that, - I am thankful! Thank you.
- How could we abandon him? We literally can't leave.
- Shh.
Just let him have this.
- Okay.
- We would never leave you.
- Rejoice! So we'll meet down here once a week to go over the ghost requests.
- Uh-huh.
- First request this comes from Stuart do you mind if he smells you? Nope, not doing this.
Sorry, guys.
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