Ghosts (2021) s01e05 Episode Script


Plug her in.
Oh, yay! - All right.
- Yeah.
Yeah! Your old gazebo's looking pretty good, huh, Hetty? Indeed! Now, get some swans in the lake, - Yeah.
- and a couple of giraffes at a dinner party It'll be the Gilded Age all over again.
They love it, Jay.
Woo-hoo! Two days of sanding, three coats of paint, but the smiles you claim to see on your invisible friends' faces make it all worthwhile.
Hey, should we hang some Halloween decorations on it? - Yes.
- Oh, my God, wait.
Halloween? Ghosts! This is your holiday.
You guys must love Halloween.
Who's gonna tell her? We hate Halloween.
What'd they say? They don't like it.
Okay, that feels off brand.
All Hallows Eve mocks us and belittles our very existence.
People putting sheets over their heads and pretending to be "ghosts"? I mean, what is that? Plus, we can't do any of the fun stuff that Livings do.
We can't dress up in costumes, we can't eat candy Can't hook up with a sexy nurse.
Or a sexy kitten.
Or sexy Bobby Boucher from Waterboy.
I didn't think it was possible, either, but this chick pulled it off.
Also, I died on Halloween.
At a party at the mansion in 1995.
This is a costume.
I'm actually an accountant and my name is Mike.
Seriously? No, I'm 500 years old.
Come on, Sam.
Oh, that was a good one.
It's a gift.
Okay, I get that you guys don't like Halloween.
But all the kids dressed up It's so cute.
Don't get us started on "kids.
" Every year on Halloween, my beloved Woodstone Mansion is defiled by adolescent hooligans.
They throw eggs, put toilet paper in the trees Been going on for decades.
It's sort of a local tradition, passed down from delinquent father to delinquent son.
It's humiliating.
This is our home.
This is where we live.
And we're powerless to stop it.
- What's going on? - The ghosts say there's a group of kids that vandalize the house each Halloween.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not on my watch, babe.
Guys, don't worry.
Of course we have them.
We don't have to depend on some useless old lady to defend the house.
My great-great-granddaughter, may she rest in peace.
That's right.
This year we have Samantha and her virile young husband.
They can do battle against the wayward youths for us.
Jump out of tree, and bash their heads! Oh, my God, no.
Nobody's doing battle with anybody.
Jay and I will talk to the kids.
They're probably just messing with the house 'cause a creepy old lady lived there.
She was really creepy.
That's true.
Again, my descendant.
Who just passed.
- We all were there.
- Mm.
Ooh, pre-Halloween pics are coming in on the 'Gram.
Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of Carole Baskins hooking up with Baby Yodas this year.
I know it's English, and yet I gleaned nothing.
Aw, man.
Some of our friends are at a rooftop in Brooklyn.
Aw, somebody's got FOMO.
What is FOMO? Oh, it's "fear of missing out.
" Like if you're not invited to a party or something.
Like when Mamie Fish excluded me from her cotillion because she knew I had the more comely ankles.
Okay, I know we're not in the city anymore.
But think of the positives: This is our first Halloween as homeowners.
We're getting trick-or-treaters.
And we're still the Step Brothers.
Yeah, I guess it's cool.
- Who are the Step Brothers? - It's from a movie.
We dress like this every year, because it's cheap, it's comfortable, and it doesn't sexually objectify me.
But that's the whole point of Halloween.
Our first trick-or-treaters.
Are you ready? It's go time.
Trick or treat.
He's a little Ghostbuster.
- A little what? - What is ghostbuster? Not now.
Oh, sorry, are we too early? No, no, I was just trying to remember when the Ghostbustersmovie came out and it was not now, so it must have been before.
Nailed it, sweetie.
Uh, Ghostbuster, would you like some candy? Are you seriously not going to tell us what a ghostbuster is? - It's another movie.
- Classic Bill Murray.
He plays a scientist who's trying to sleep with Sigourney Weaver and bust ghosts.
Bust ghosts? You want to bust me? I bust you! Okay, thanks for stopping by, enjoy your Mounds.
Uh, Happy Halloween! - Ghost thing? - Ghost thing.
Ooh! We should watch Ghostbusterstonight.
You guys will love it, trust me.
Is there a Blockbuster around here? We don't have time for frivolous entertainment.
We must set up sentries.
An attack is nigh.
Okay, take it easy.
We should do shifts or something.
Some of you stand around, keeping lookout, while I watch a talkie with Trev.
Oh, you know what? I'll join you.
What? No! You guys are the worst army ever.
I never saw it.
It came out the year before I died, but you know how it is between work and family and getting shot in the neck with an arrow Fine, fine.
But the rest of us will keep watch and alert the Livings - so they may confront our vandals.
- Mm.
Then bash them on the heads! Any chance you change your mind on that? No? Okay.
The enemies have arrived.
Jay, Isaac says the enemies have arrived.
Enemies? You mean these kids out here on the bikes? Come on! It's the parents who are at fault.
Properly raised children would be at home or working in a factory.
That's the evil leader Zack, his paramour Zoey, and their very dumb third wheel Robbie.
How do you know so much about these kids? Last year, they hung out and split something called a "hard lemonade.
" And we listened in on their conversation.
What's up, bro-hams? Hey, you got some sick cykes, huh? Thank you, sir.
- I'm sorry, what? Sir? - Ouch.
Well, we just wanted to introduce ourselves.
I'm Samantha, this is Jay.
And we're the owners of this house.
So, listen, like, whatever happened in the past, it's water under the bridge.
But let's just agree that it ends here.
Yeah, you know, we were actually planning on egging the place, but after seeing you guys, and seeing how cool you are, it just doesn't feel right anymore.
This feels like a trap.
- Well, thank you.
- Anyway, we'll be on our way.
Well, next time, pop on your helmets.
Cool kids wear lids.
They do! Keep it a hundo.
They seem really nice.
See, Isaac? No need for war.
Attack! - Egg war! - Get 'em! Hey! What? Whoa! What No! - That's not fair! - How do you like that, bro-ham? I hate to say "I told you so.
" Wait, no, it's actually quite satisfying.
This is just great.
Our friends are partying on rooftops, and we're being egged by the cast of Stranger Things.
We have to do something.
Those kids can't get away with that.
Do something? It's over.
We've just got to get cleaned up and move on.
Wait, no.
Samantha is right.
There must be accountability.
Without repercussions, these children will never learn.
The ghosts agree.
The kids need consequences.
Come on, babe.
What do they know? Well, for one thing, we were parents.
Well, they were all parents.
I'm definitely not a parent.
I don't know why I said "definitely.
" I mean, I had sex during my life.
We just have also been around for such a very long time, we have observed what works and what doesn't work with regard to disciplining children.
So what do you think we should do? I just told you I think we should let it go.
I was actually asking the ghosts.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
They've been around forever.
We should take advantage of this.
It's like a wise council of elders.
43 times.
I had sex 43 times.
A number so specific it'd be impossible to make up.
You know what I would do, if I were alive and the telephone had been invented: - call their mommies.
- Yes.
Zack's last name is Ekenrod if that helps.
His mother is Meg.
She works at a place called Applebee's as some sort of wench.
They're saying we should call Zack's mom.
They want us to narc? Mm-mm.
Snitches get stitches.
You're only gonna antagonize him.
Or correct his behavior.
Okay, do people think I'm lying about the sex thing? 'Cause I'm really not lying.
Don't worry.
I know you tell truth.
As ghost I watch you many times.
Thank you.
Wait, what? Pause the movie, Trev.
Pause the movie.
What the H-E-double hockey sticks is this movie? People rounding up ghosts, keeping them in some contraption.
For what? Till when? I thought Venkman was a hero.
He's no hero, he's a war criminal.
Poor Slimer's just trying to live his afterlife, eating leftover room service that no one even wants.
And then they vacuum him up into this tiny little box? I don't remember it being this disturbing.
Well, you were a Living when you watched it last.
This is a whole new perspective.
Also, why the hell are they all green? Were they green in life? I mean, what died and made that ghost? Look, we're not trying to get anyone in trouble.
But we didn't want to just let it go.
Tell her to deny him supper.
Tell her to do Blood Eagle; tear out ribs and lungs.
Zack, apologize to them.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't nice, and I won't do it again.
Thank you, Zack.
Apology accepted.
All right, let's go.
- Well, that was subtle.
- It wasn't great.
I told you we were gonna antagonize the little psychopath.
Maybe he was just messing with us.
Blood Eagle get out truth.
Or fake confession.
Either way it's still fun.
Troops, we all saw the threatening gesture made by young Zack.
It doesn't take a military genius, which I am, to know that we must be on guard for a new attack.
We must spread out.
Vast territory to defend.
Yes, that is the rub.
But where? Where will these rapscallions strike next? Well, I can tell you an obvious target.
We're sitting in it.
Sasappis is right.
This recently restored grand structure, all lit up, it's begging to be hit.
Yes, that's right.
We must tell Samantha to turn these lights off immediately.
This place is a sitting duck.
Thorfinn turn off lights.
Very good.
Gadzooks, what have you done?! Oh, oh, oh, oh Go, go, go, go, go, go.
If anyone has a water power they're sitting on, now would be a good time to use it.
Oh, this isn't good.
They worked forever on this.
I watched Jay sand for hours, getting sweatier and sweatier Maybe they won't notice.
The Livings are not going to be happy.
Well, the good news is there's nothing they can really do.
We're ghosts.
We're impervious to their worldly punishments.
They could take away our TV.
Wait, no.
But there's a new season of The Bakeoff.
No! No, no, no, no! Our gazebo! - Oh, my God.
- What happened? Did anybody see anything? Is actually funny story.
It was the kids.
- The kids did it.
- I got this.
And that's-that's what happened, and that's what we all saw.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
What? What's going on? They're saying they saw those kids burn down the gazebo.
I-I can't believe this.
Oh, my God, that kid really follows through on a threat, doesn't he? The tiny fiends approached with malice in their eyes, their torches held aloft.
They had torches? Those tiny wooden torches.
Matches, I believe you call them.
Yes, that's the word I was looking for.
Damn my female brain.
This doesn't make any sense.
I mean, they egg, they TP, but arson? - This is a major escalation.
- And yet it happened.
As sad a comment on today's youth though that may be.
We're gonna have to call the cops.
This is officially the worst Halloween ever.
Fine! I get it.
I took you away from all those fun parties, and then I called that kid's mommy, and now we have no gazebo, and it's all my fault.
I'm sorry, Jay.
Man, I can't believe kids are capable of this sort of thing.
Didn't kids murder you? That was an accident, I I'm pretty sure.
Well, we talked to the kids, and they denied everything.
The kid made a weird throat slash gesture, and an hour later, the gazebo burned down.
Isn't that pretty damning? She'd have made a great lawyer had she not gone into journalism or been born a woman.
Okay, look, this is a small town.
We know these kids, and frankly, they're bad news.
Nothing like arson before, but maybe they just snapped.
They did say that you called their mommies.
Listen, what's gonna happen to these kids? Eh, we're looking at fines, maybe community service.
They'll definitely kick Zack off the basketball team.
Yeah, what these kids really burned down tonight was any hope for a bright future.
Oh, boy.
- Keep it together, man.
- Have you noticed any other suspicious activity around the house? Mm no.
Well, would you mind showing us to the, uh, uh, uh the gazebo? Sure.
You couldn't remember "gazebo"? Well, all's well that ends well.
And, oh, God, I believe it's Sunday.
Pete, I think it's time for Food Club.
Oh, where did we leave off last week? Thor was talking about cod.
Oh, yes, you're right.
- It was quite a cliffhanger, if I recall.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh! Not so fast.
Something doesn't smell right here.
I think everything smells perfectly fine.
Thorfinn, sounds like those kids are in a lot of trouble.
Do you think they deserve it? Well, I mean - Of course he thinks they deserve it.
- I didn't ask you.
Spill it, iceberg.
What are you sitting on? Okay! Kids didn't do it.
I did.
- What? - Good God, man, - that's all it took? - How did you know? You date a two-timing bootlegger for five years, - you learn to tell when someone's lying.
- It was an accident.
Also, Isaac lie.
Hetty and Sass went along.
Law of the sea.
The ship goes down, we all perish.
Well, we have to tell Sam.
Look, maybe these kids didn't commit this particular offense, but they have been terrorizing Woodstone Mansion for years.
We can't just frame them.
- This goes against everything I stand for.
- Oh, really, Pete? Because from where I'm sitting, I see a man who for the past 40 years has blathered on about his "troop," and things like loyalty.
I mean, you literally have a loyalty badge.
- So? - So we're your troop now.
Your loyalty lies with us.
So what's it gonna be, Pete, the ghosts or the Livings, hmm? Trevor, back us up.
I stand with Pete.
Wait, what? But Pete's on the side of good.
I mean, the other side.
We spend our days complaining about how Halloween makes us out to be evil, and movies paint us to be the villains.
But if we let some kids take the fall for something that we did, then aren't we exactly what they say we are? And don't we deserve to be busted? Oh, amen.
Really? He's the one doing the right thing? I really do feel bad now.
Are you slow-clapping your own speech? You're damn right I am.
They haven't seen an '80s movie, and you didn't start it, so I have to.
That's weird.
There's some charred wood over there.
Is that part of the gazebo? Why would they drag it over there? Oh, no, no, no.
That's our canoe.
Yeah, yeah, we dragged it up from the lake.
Hold up.
You're the folks that burned down the canoe a few weeks ago.
I didn't get a good look at you.
Well, here we are.
And now you're claiming that some kids burned down your gazebo? Okay, it doesn't look great.
- Yeah, but we're not arsonists.
- No.
Although if we were arsonists, we would definitely deny being arsonists.
'Cause that would I'm not gonna talk anymore.
Why would we burn down our own gazebo? Why would you burn down your own canoe? - We had zero to do with this.
- Zero.
- This was 100% those kids.
- It was the kids.
And frankly, we're a little offended that you would even accuse us of something so heinous.
A quick word if I may, Samantha.
It wasn't the kids.
We lied.
We burned down the gazebo.
So, okay, carry on.
Although actually, it may not have been the kids.
What? Yeah, it's sort of coming to me now.
Gosh, this is embarrassing.
Ma'am, what's going on? I had a cigarette earlier.
I recently started smoking again.
And I thought I put it out, but now that I'm thinking about it again, maybe it wasn't completely out.
And you just remembered this now? I didn't want Jay to find out.
And, uh, then the lies just sort of started piling up on top of each other, and then he called you guys.
Okay, Jim, I think we should wrap this up.
Ma'am, if you have any other problems, please lose our number.
That's more than fair.
Thank you.
- Sorry.
- You're smoking? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Jay, the ghosts burned down the gazebo.
What do you mean the ghosts burned it down? How? I don't know, but they are in big trouble.
W-Well, what, can they shoot lasers out of their eyes? That would be so cool.
I mean terrifying, but so cool! Samantha, we want you to know that - we just feel terrible.
- Yes.
And we would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize for this evening's, um, you know what, let's call them missteps, shall we? Because I think we all learned a very valuable les - Shut it, Isaac.
- Ooh.
Tonight was unacceptable.
You guys destroyed our property, then lied about it, then tried to get children arrested.
You're no wise council of elders.
You know what they are? They're the children in this scenario.
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
Nuh-uh! It was Thor.
He started it.
Just so you know, not all of us were to blame.
I gave a big speech about doing the right thing.
- It was very moving.
- Mm-hmm.
Someone started a slow-clap.
I don't want to hear it.
You know what children need when they do something wrong, babe? You give 'em consequences.
That's true, Jay.
I like that.
Small man using our own words against us.
Not loving where this is headed.
No TV, one week.
But The Bakeoff! - Oh, no! - All of us?! - It's football season.
- Come on! You guys did this.
Come on! What's the latest? Ooh, they left the rooftop, and now they're at a warehouse party in the Meatpacking District.
Oh, sounds fun.
We would've crushed that.
Well, without storming off or yelling and in all sincerity, I'm sorry you had a lame Halloween.
Yeah, that's the thing, I didn't.
What do you mean? Um, our gazebo got burned down by ghosts on Halloween, in front of our haunted house.
We by far had the coolest Halloween of all our friends.
Really? Yeah.
When we first moved here from New York, I thought our lives were gonna be boring and slow, but after tonight, turns out they're gonna be anything but.
You're okay stuck out here alone with me? Hell yeah.
You're all I need.
You're my stepbrother.
No, you're my stepbrother.
Well, this is just disturbing.
Didn't you marry your cousin? So, how are the ghosts taking their punishment? They're not loving it.
Yeah, I wasn't stoked on no TV either, but it's kind of peaceful.
- This is so unfair! - Oh, come on! We did nothing wrong! I think they've learned their lesson.
Mm-mm, stay strong.
Maybe we just put on something educational.

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