Ghosts (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

Alberta's Fan

1 Let's go, Sam! We don't have all day! - Okay, you literally have eternity.
- Oh, that's right.
Thank you for reminding me of my endless purgatory.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - MARK: Morning, Sam.
Hey! Who's this cute little guy? This is my son David.
Uh, hope it's okay.
My wife's out of town for a few days.
Why are the good ones always married? And alive? Hurtful.
Well, we're very happy to have you, David.
Welcome to the team.
Should I put him on my crew? Think he's too young to hold a hammer? Are you mad? Children under seven aren't suitable for hard labor.
Pirate! (GASPS) Pirate? I was a delegate of the Second Continental Congress.
Pirate! Damn my ruffled colonial garb.
Uh, there's nothing there, buddy, but I love your imagination.
And he's off.
(SQUEALS) Hang on, that kid can see you? Yeah, it's rare.
But, occasionally, young children can see ghosts.
Sometimes, when child has imaginary friend, is actual ghost.
Other times, kid just crazy.
(CHUCKLES) Once, a sweet little girl saw my arrow and called me a monster.
- But it's okay.
What am I gonna do? (CHUCKLES) Cry myself to sleep? For weeks? - Got him.
- Oh, great.
Well, we'll be back soon.
We're just gonna take a quick walk.
- We? - Yes.
As in the royal we.
Here we go, and we are going outside.
(SCOFFS) How many of those steps did we get today, Sam? Only 3,000.
Not pointing any fingers, but Hetty was really dragging.
Well, excuse me for dying in heels.
Plus, I did not sleep.
You know I suffer from nerves.
At least when I was alive, I could take laudanum.
What's laudanum? It's a simple mixture of alcohol and morphine.
You should try it, Samantha.
Oh, sure, I'll pick some up next time I'm at the alchemist.
Well, I didn't always require such elixirs.
When I was a little girl, an angel-voiced servant would sing me to sleep.
Some footman or butler.
His name was Gordon.
I was there, as ghost.
I think you're right.
It may have been Gordon.
I don't know.
We paid them so we didn't have to remember their names.
Hey! There's a strange jalopy in the driveway.
- Who's that? - Land ship! All right.
- We know, baby.
- (SIGHS) We know.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Hey, Sam.
This is Todd Pearlman, and he's, uh he's some kind of historian.
Historian? Well, I think we know where this is going.
Welcome, Todd.
What brings you to our house? Uh, have you ever heard of Alberta Haynes? - What? - Step aside, Isaac.
The name rings a bell.
Alberta Haynes was a singer, a wonderful singer.
(CHUCKLES) Tell us something we don't know.
Believe it or not, she died right here in this house.
Someone died in this house? I'm shocked.
TODD: I'm actually writing a book on Alberta's life and career.
What? A book about me? Did you hear that, Isaac? Well, come on in and sit down.
Oh, sorry for the mess.
We're in the middle of turning the house into a bed-and-breakfast.
Sam, stay on topic.
So, uh, you study singers? Jazz musicians, yes.
But Alberta is my specialty.
I'm actually the head curator of the Alberta Haynes Museum in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
- Wow, there's a whole museum about you, Alberta.
- Oh! Died.
I just died again.
Who's the nerd? He is historian who's not here to study Isaac.
- Thank you, Thor! - Her life story is an inspiration.
I mean, born in Tulsa to Jamaican parents Mm, tell it.
As a young woman, she came to Harlem during the Great Migration with nothing but a dream in her heart and a boatload of talent.
Can we record this? Whip out that damn iPhone, Sam.
Oh, she sounds like an incredible person.
Sam, ask him about my murder.
Oh, no, not this again.
How exactly did Alberta die? Oh, her death is hotly debated amongst academics.
I mean, the official cause was a cardiac event, but, between you and me, I've always suspected foul play.
(ALBERTA LAUGHS) I told you all I was too important to die of a heart attack.
Well, if you're excited about being murdered, I am excited for you.
Who would want to kill her? Mm, it's hard to say.
I mean, someone as - beautiful and as talented as Alberta - Oh.
would attract many rivals.
Mwah! This man is a genius.
Oh, Sam, tell Todd my old trunk's upstairs if he wants to look at it.
You know, I I just remembered something.
Upstairs, there's this trunk.
It's full of stuff that seems like it's from the '20s.
So maybe that could belong to this Alberta person.
(ALBERTA CACKLES) "This Alberta person"? Girl, like we ain't besties.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, you so good.
Sheet music, letters, moonshine, a mink scarf.
- PETE: That is a handsome trunk.
- (CHUCKLES) Handsome and heavy.
I remember lugging that thing over from the motel the night I performed.
You didn't stay here? Oh, no, wasn't allowed, 'cause, you know, racism.
Well, if it helps, I don't see color.
It cost me several games of Risk.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) This is a treasure trove.
I'm gonna need a good amount of time to get through these materials.
Well, uh, uh, take all the time you need, Todd.
I don't want to impose, but would you consider allowing me to stay the night? You said this place was a B&B, correct? Well, yeah, but it's-it's not exactly open yet.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I could be your first guest.
You know what, Todd, uh, the rooms, they're not really ready.
Uh, we haven't even started picking out those tiny little soaps.
I don't need any of that fancy stuff.
I mean, this room is fine.
- Wait, hold up.
This is my room.
- I can give you $500.
BOTH: Welcome to the Woodstone Bed-and-Breakfast.
THORFINN: Time for afternoon walk! (CHUCKLES) Oh, hadn't you heard? Afternoon walk's been canceled.
- Why? - Well, apparently, this bearded historian fellow is spending the night.
Samantha and Alberta are busy tending to him.
Okay, so we go together.
Just the two of us.
- You and me? Alone? - Yes! Yes, but th that wouldn't be the walking crew, now would it? Give us a chance to catch up.
We never talk.
We never do.
That is a true thing you're saying.
I am free, you are free.
We both love walking.
Also true statements.
So really no reason not to proceed.
Yes, I-I'm having trouble thinking of one.
Will be fun.
- Okay! - Yes! Let's go! - Together! - Oh, God.
(LAUGHS) Friendship! We have a stranger in our house, and-and I think it feels weird.
Jay, that's sort of what running a B&B is.
I mean, I understand it, theoretically.
But now that-that it's happening, it just it feels weird.
Well, I think it's gonna be fun.
It's a dry run.
This is a chance for us to prove to ourselves we can do this.
You guys are gonna be great.
The main thing is you want to get in good with the travel agents.
- (SIGHS) - Little secret: we basically run the whole hospitality game.
Pete, travel agents don't really exist anymore.
- What? - Yeah, people just kind of book their own travel now.
But they don't have the contacts, the personal relationships.
They don't know who to fax.
I didn't pack for an overnight, obviously.
(EXCLAIMS, GROANING) So, would I be able to borrow some pajamas? Sure.
Jay can lend you a T-shirt and some pajama bottoms.
- What? - Cool.
Oh, and, also, if I don't eat soon (EXHALES) we're gonna have a problem.
I-I'm hypoglycemic, so it's kind of urgent.
We will definitely fix something up for you.
He wants to put his junk in my jam-jams? Jay, this is running a B&B.
This is what separates us from the hotels of the world.
People expect a personal touch.
Something personal's getting touched all right.
Can you focus? What do we have that we can cook Todd? There's nothing in the fridge.
We got to go to the market.
We don't have time for that.
Uh, just Here.
Cook him this.
This chicken expires today.
(GROANS) Those dates are just to make you throw stuff away and buy more.
I wrote a whole article on this.
It's a scam by big chicken.
Big chicken? Yeah.
So stop acting like one and just cook it.
Damn, girl.
I love that wordplay.
Okay, there's weather in Chicago and you need a same-day change to a plane ticket what do you do? It's a button on your phone.
I'm sorry, Pete.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) You know, it sort of feel like Thor doing all the work in conversation.
I tell seal story.
I tell salmon story.
I tell other salmon story I'm gonna level with you, Thorfinn.
You and I, we get along fine, but we are not "hang out alone together outside the group" type friends.
And that's okay.
But we used to be closer.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
(CHUCKLES) Nothing at all.
Just return home in silence.
That is a good idea.
(EXHALES) Sort of like salmon returning home to spawning ground in springtime.
Which reminds me of third salmon story.
Maybe we can walk a little faster.
There was a bear and a badger (INHALES DEEPLY) (SIGHS) Okay, that's, like, the fifth time he's sniffed your coat.
Clearly, there's something off about this fellow.
The man is an academic.
He's just looking for clues.
See, this is how you connect with history.
Hey, Todd, uh, we brought you a fresh towel.
And some regular-sized soap.
I'm so sorry about that.
Thank you for that delicious chicken.
- Hmm.
- Did you know that Alberta's father was actually a chef, too? Yeah, her family lived above the restaurant he worked in.
Ah, Daddy could slay the stove.
(CHUCKLES) He should've had his own restaurant, but, again, racism.
Thank you for letting me stay.
It's (SIGHS) it's, like, a six-hour drive back to Altoona.
What made you choose Altoona as the location for the museum? Must be a new music city.
A 21st century New Orleans, no doubt.
- (CHUCKLES) - TODD: Well, uh, actually, the museum is in my garage.
ISAAC: Ah, as all the best museums are.
Technically, it's my mom's garage.
Oh, you live with your mom.
- That makes sense.
- ALBERTA: Well, academics are often underpaid.
(CHUCKLES) Just wait till his book comes out.
So when does your book come out? Oh, it's planned for a summer release.
But, really, whenever.
(CHUCKLES) That's the beauty of self-publishing.
Bro, that's not even a real book.
Come on, Todd.
Hey, do you want to see something from my, uh personal Alberta collection? Yes.
I carry it with me everywhere.
It's my most prized possession.
Oh, God, what is this gonna be? Voilà.
Sorry, what am I looking at here, Todd? It's Alberta's toenail.
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh! TREVOR: Out of my room.
I want him out of my room.
Why do you have that? What is wrong with you, Todd? I got it online.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Really nothing you can't get on there.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Still, why? You know, in Jurassic Park, when they clone all those dinosaurs from just a little bit of blood? Well, maybe I could, one day, make an Alberta from just a little bit of nail.
Dare to dream, Todd.
Who knows? Maybe we'd end up together.
No, we would not! Oh, God.
The hell we would.
Well (GRUNTS) Oh.
(GRUNTS) Time to hit the shower.
(CRIES): No! No.
Oh, God.
Oh, don't make me hate my own face.
Todd, you creepy nut.
Well, look at it this way, from here on out, all our other guests are gonna seem normal in comparison.
I don't think I can handle any other guests after Todd.
I mean, do you really think we're cut out for this? - Not with that attitude.
- Are you serious? We turned our entire lives upside down, and you want to bail after one difficult guest? One difficult guest? That's like saying Charles Manson was one difficult neighbor.
Look, he's not dangerous.
He's just weird.
And he's only gonna be here for another couple hours.
We need to find a better way to vet our guests.
Oh, like some sort of licensed go-between, perhaps? Oh, if he could hear me, that would have been a powerful rejoinder.
(GROANS) Sam, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
Just haunted by my own face.
Oh, Alberta, I'm sorry.
It's awful.
Nobody is happy about it.
Good morning, everyone! Greetings and salutations.
(CHUCKLES) Almost nobody.
Alberta, you're down here.
I could've sworn I just saw you upstairs.
I get it, Isaac.
No, I'm sorry, that was merely your visage on a 35-year-old man's back.
My mistake! (LAUGHING) I said I get it! You happy now? (GRUNTING SOFTLY) THORFINN: Shh, shh.
Nap time, little one.
(SIGHS) - Shh.
- (YAWNING) Is okay.
Sweet little baby Drift off to sleep Dream of stabbing Danish men Laughing while they weep When you are a warrior You'll be strong and tall You'll pillage Villages, slit men's throats And bash their heads Against the wall.
There you go, Hetty.
There you go.
There you go, David.
Drift off into the Netherlands, into the dream realms, burning ships, sieging villages.
Listen, uh, I was just having fun.
- I apologize.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, I probably had it coming.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Look, I know I wasn't famous in my day, but when Todd showed up, for a second, I thought, "Wow, the world remembers Alberta Haynes.
" But the truth is, the only one who remembers me is some creepy weirdo with a jar full of toenails.
Child, that's my legacy.
To be fair, it was just the one toenail.
(CHUCKLES) It's not just about Todd.
You know, my daddy couldn't achieve his dreams because the world held him back.
But he always told me I could.
That's why I wanted to be a star, so that his struggle would have been worth it.
I guess I failed him.
Uh, have you guys seen Sam? It's Todd.
I think he's dying.
What is happening? Did anybody see anything? That-That's E.
coli face.
That's the chicken.
Can you not? Call 911.
PETE: What is he talking about? - The chicken? - Look, we fed him some chicken that was at its expiration date.
Sam, those dates are on there for a reason.
Guys, he looks really sick.
If he dies, he could become a ghost, and I'm not spending eternity with my stalker.
Yeah, and I'm not sharing a room with him.
We're doing a rotation thing.
Okay, wait.
What percentage of people who die become ghosts? It's actually fairly low.
I would say, mm, like, maybe five percent? - That's not that high.
- Are you willing to take that risk, Sam? 'Cause, remember, he's gonna become your problem, too.
- What do we do? - We need to get him off the property.
Okay! I called an ambulance.
They're on their way.
Jay, you're not gonna like this, but we have to drag him off the property.
- JAY: What? - Mm-hmm.
W-we cannot let him die here.
He could become a ghost and we'd be stuck with him forever.
You mean invisible Todd, roaming the hallways, collecting everyone's toenails? I do not like that.
- None of us do.
- Okay, okay, okay, but-but how are the two of us - gonna carry him? - (TODD GROANS) (CLINKING, CLANK) - (EXHALES) - (STRAINED GRUNT) - I did not sign up for this.
- (GRUNTS) I-I need a break.
This is too hard.
Uh-uh! Come on! No breaks! You'll sleep when you're dead.
Why do we sleep? - We just do! - We just do! Let's go! - Let's move this body.
- (VEHICLE APPROACHING) - Well, he's not technically a body yet.
- (SIREN WHOOPS) - (CAR DOORS OPEN, SHUT) - You're gonna be okay, Todd.
The paramedics are here.
- Hey.
- Why is he out here? You're not supposed to move him.
We were just trying to help.
(GROANING) JAY: You're gonna be fine, Todd.
Ooh! I really hope we didn't kill him.
- What? - Nothing.
(DOOR SHUTS) It was you.
You sang to me.
Uh, tried to teach you to say "Thorfinn," but eventually decide "Gordon" pretty cute.
All these years, why didn't you say something? Well, I always assume, after you die, you remember me.
Excited to say hi, catch up, old times.
But instead it seem you more have terror of Thor and a lot of saying my pelts smell bad.
You were so sweet to me, and I have just been awful.
Thor get it.
Pelts do smell.
Used to soak them in wolf urine to ward off bear.
You were there for me when no one else was.
Thank you.
Gordon miss Hetty.
Welcome back.
Yeah, that is quite pungent.
(SNIFFLES) I just got off the phone with the hospital.
He's gonna be okay.
Oh, we didn't kill our first guest.
How 'bout those Livings, trying to carry that creepy Todd out on that blanket? - (LAUGHING) - PETE: Hey, hey, who who am I? "Oh, no, this is too heavy.
I need to take a nap.
" I didn't say that! - (LAUGHING): Yes.
- Yes, you did.
"Expiration dates are a hoax.
" Oh, very funny.
Y'all, stop trying to make me laugh.
I'm still upset.
Sam, be honest would it help my chances - if I got your face tattooed on my back? (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Please don't do that.
See? This right here, this is what it's all about.
These little moments.
These are the things we're all gonna remember.
- (OTHER GROANING) - Shut up, Pete - You ruined it.
- Womp! (GIGGLES) What is going on? Oh, the ghosts are throwing down some newfound wisdom.
Oh, boy.
Last time that happened, our gazebo burned down.
They're saying the moments you really remember are the ones you spend with the people you love.
Look, running the B&B will be hard, but at least we get to do it together.
Remember, when we were back in the city, we worked so many hours, we barely saw each other.
I know.
We're really lucky to get to do this.
And I'm sorry.
I just I kind of freaked out a little.
Was it the toenail? It wasn't not the toenail.
- Right.
- (PHONE CHIMES, BUZZES) My buddy Neal just sent me a link.
Woodstone Mansion is blowing up.
- Currently? - ALBERTA: Oh! - Run for your lives! - To the cholera pit! - It's the safest place! - (WHIMPERING) Just relax, everybody.
- That's an Internet term.
- (PANTS, WHIMPERS) It sometimes is a good thing.
Never mind.
Oh, please be a good thing.
Please be a good thing.
(SIGHS) Oh, my God, it's Todd.
An exciting morning here at Hudson Valley Memorial, where a visiting jazz historian nearly died after being poisoned.
Can you tell us what happened? Well, I was staying at the Woodstone Bed-and-Breakfast Oh, no.
We're finished.
when I discovered a very old bottle of moonshine.
So I drank from it.
REPORTER: Why would you do that? TODD: I'm a curator and collector of all things relating to jazz legend Alberta Haynes, and I have reason to believe that she was the very last person to drink from it.
And I wanted to put my lips where hers had been.
So it turns out the bottle had poison in it? Yes, I spoke to the doctors, and they informed me they believe it was strychnine.
I've often assumed that Alberta was murdered - by a jealous rival.
- (GASPING) And now I know I was probably right.
- REPORTER: Back to you, Jerry.
- (GASPING) You know what this means? This means we didn't almost kill Todd.
Todd almost killed Todd.
You know what this also means? I was murdered.
Oh, yeah, look at you.
Hey, babe? Babe, look at this.
This has, like, 50,000 views already.
W-Wait, 50,000? What-what do you mean, "views"? What is views? Is that people? - Yeah.
- Check out these comments.
A lot of "This guy's a creep," but, also, there's a ton of people just saying really nice things about Alberta.
"Just listened to her album.
She's incredible.
How did I never hear of her before?" Daddy would be proud.
Because I'm famous! (LAUGHS) Ooh! Look at them numbers going up! 55,000.
Ooh! 56,000! Oh, child, I could watch this all day! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sam, Sam, Sam.
What's the record? Is it me? (LAUGHS) Oh, God, Todd, I love you, you freaky bastard! You did it! Ha-ha! And she's back.
Yeah! Alberta Haynes, honey! Ma Rainey who? Billie Holiday where? - (LAUGHING) - Buster Smith what? It's about Alber-ta Haynes! Ha-ha! (WHOOPS) Sweet little baby, drift off to sleep Dream of stabbing Danish men Laughing while they weep.
HETTY: No, it's creepy at this age.
THORFINN: Thor feel it, too.
Very weird, yeah.

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