Ghosts (2021) s01e18 Episode Script

Farnsby & B

It was spectacular.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Samantha just showed us the musical Hamilton.
Oh, how was it? - It was a triumph.
- An inspiration.
The pinnacle of human achievement.
It was fine.
Hello.
Hello.
Uh, do you have a moment? Uh, sure.
Come in.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, it's those neighbor people.
The Farnsbys.
We just wanted to come by and drop off a tin of Margaret's award-winning lemon bars.
And offer you our sincerest congratulations on the imminent opening of your bed and breakfast.
Oh, that's so nice of you.
Slightly out of character.
- So, you're really going through with it, then? - Yep.
As I told you when you came over for dinner and tried to extort us So sorry about that.
we're opening up the B and B, and that's just all there is to it.
Well, then, you have left us no choice.
We are sorry, but we would like to purchase your house.
Wait, what? We'll pay a fair price.
We just don't want to deal with the headache of living next door to a B and B.
I mean, the traffic, the noise.
The middle class trudging past in their Volvos.
- They are hard to root for.
- I'm sorry, but no.
Our first guests are arriving in a few days, so you're just gonna have to get used to it.
Well, then this isn't over.
You have incurred the wrath of the Farnsbys.
Enjoy those lemon bars.
Sam! тк Screw those rich people.
We're not selling.
Who do they think they are? Yeah, with their fancy cars and their pickleball courts.
Babe, let-let's not drag pickleball into this.
I mean, I've actually gotten pretty into it lately.
- What? Since when? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Oh, I played a couple games with Mark.
We're pickle bros.
Again, that term is not catching on, Jay, but, yeah, this guy's good.
What's not good is the termites I just found in your basement.
Oh, hate the news, love the segue.
Yeah, that was some pretty nice wordplay.
Come on, I'll show you guys.
Ugh, it's just one thing after another with this house, right? Seriously, it's like we're cursed.
- Oh, boy.
This is not good.
- What's the big deal? They'll just spray or tent.
I mean, it's not gonna be a pleasant few days, but we literally can't die, so there's that.
No, Jay is right, they are cursed.
I know because - I cursed them myself.
- What are you talking about? When they first move in here, we tried haunting them out, and haunting fail, so to prevent the B and B from opening, I place Norse curse on them.
Sure, makes sense.
Then bad things start to happen.
Sam falls down the stairs, and the curse makes me light the gazebo on fire.
Now, the opening approaches, the curse only grows stronger.
Come on.
Curses aren't real, right? We're stuck in an endless purgatory.
We saw a guy go down on us a couple weeks ago.
And curses is where you draw the line? - Okay.
- Those are some valid arguments.
Thor, you got to go tell Sam about this.
It's pointless.
Curse cannot be erased.
Plus, if we tell Sam, she might take TV away.
You see that blistering in the wood? Termites.
Unfortunately.
Yup.
Termites love oak.
Actually, I think that's pine.
Pine? Are you some kind of idiot, Stuart? Look at the grain.
Is this something that needs to be taken care of right away? It's just, our first guests arrive in a couple days.
You don't need to tent today, but I wouldn't put this off for too much longer.
Hey, how's my boy Pete doing, huh? Hello.
Oh, okay, I get it.
You're too good to talk to a cholera ghost.
Well, la dee dah.
So have there been any updates on the Nigel front? No, no.
No, sadly.
Ever since our awkward conversation where he tried to take things in a more romantic direction, and I Responded by running away through a wall, mm-hmm.
Yes, ever since that, we haven't spoken.
I think he's avoiding me.
I probably blew it.
Don't think like that, Isaac.
You're letting fear lead you.
You need to go for what you want.
You only have one afterlife.
Do not sacrifice your shot.
Please tell me you're not quoting that musical Hamilton.
Incorrectly, I might add.
I am, and I am deeply sorry, but it was just so inspirational.
Oh, God.
I wish Sam never had shown us that.
But you're right.
I have.
I have spent the last two centuries letting fear rule me.
It must come to a stop.
I'm gonna go tell Nigel how I feel.
This is a very important moment, Isaac.
I'm honored to be here bearing witness to it.
In the room where things are happening.
- Oh, my God.
Please.
- I'm sorry.
- No, just stop.
- I will.
I'll try.
So catchy.
You're not gonna believe this, but Josh and Leeanne just canceled.
Our guests? Really? Oh, it gets so much worse.
They say they found another B and B that is nearby, that is much nicer and cheaper and has a pickleball court.
The Farnsbys.
That's right.
We turned down their buyout offer, so they opened a rival B and B to drive us out of business.
They're sociopaths.
They're calling it The Farnsby & B.
The Farnsby & B.
That's a clever name.
But also awful of them to do.
But, geez, pretty darn clever.
Welcome to The Farnsby & B.
We are just returning your tin.
Thank you for the lemon bars.
Do you have time for a quick word? We're a little busy.
We are hosting the most lovely couple from Erie, P.
A.
Josh and Leeanne.
I believe you may have heard of them.
Come on, man.
What are you doing? This is crazy.
If your point is, it's annoying to have a bustling business in your backyard, then yes, we empathize.
Although, if you like, my offer still stands.
- We are not selling you our place.
- Well, then, game on.
And this is a game you cannot win because we don't need to make money.
We can beat your prices and bleed you dry.
Holy Toledo, you can see me? And without an income, how long can you two really hold out? Because we can do this a long time.
We are loving this Newhart life.
Oh, hello.
Henry, Josh needs the Wi-Fi password.
Again? This is the fourth time.
I mean, no problem.
I live for helping my guests.
Hey, I think the batteries in the TV remote are dead.
Well, then go outside.
It's lovely.
I mean, one minute, dear customer.
You two can see yourselves out.
Hey.
Did the actor from Bedtime for Bonzo really become president in the '80s? I'm sorry, we have to go.
Wait a minute, who are you talking to? Do they have ghosts, too? So creepy.
What? I'm just referring to the situation, not you in particular, whoever you are.
Uh, very sorry for your loss of yourself.
Knock, knock.
Anybody home? Oh, Jenkins.
I'm sorry, I was looking for Nigel.
Oh, you haven't heard.
- Heard what? - I'm sorry to have to tell you this, as I know the two of you have grown quite close, but Nigel is no longer with us.
You mean He got sucked off.
Hey, ghosts, we're home.
Hey, team.
Oh, man.
I wish they'd stop walking over that.
Yeah, that pine's not looking good.
Oh, again with the pine? Are you trying to piss me off, Stuart? - Look, I'm not an expert - No! The only thing you're an expert at is giving people cholera! Welp, just got an email from the Millers.
They're canceling for next week.
Oh, boy.
You got to tell them about it, Thor.
Any guesses on where they're booked now? I'm gonna go with Farnsby & B.
It's like the B and B, but with their name.
I don't get it.
Sam.
I have something to tell you.
Long time ago, when you first move in, uh, I may have put a curse on you and Jay.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
It was to prevent you from ever opening up a bed and breakfast.
Okay, small update.
Thor apparently placed a Norse curse on us to stop us from opening the B and B.
Are you serious? Okay, I'm gonna jump on the skeptic side here.
I don't think Thor's curses work.
Of course, anything's possible.
Okay, so assuming the curse is even real Whoa, whoa, babe, a little bit more definitive, please.
Hey, Norse gods, just to be clear, we believe you have powers, so love and respect.
Yeah, you never want to poke a curse just makes it angry.
Fine.
Thor? How do we even break the curse? There is one way.
But it involves boiling ingredients in cauldron.
And ingredients impossible to come by.
Requires sailing to distant lands to procure.
Thor's saying we'd have to travel to distant lands to get stuff.
So what would we need to get? Hesitant to even say.
That is how futile this knowledge will be.
One pound sugar.
Oy gevalt.
Oh, oh, sugar? Like, regular sugar? Entire pound did you not hear? And that's not all.
Also need rare spice from faraway land.
One pinch worth more than 30 horses.
Goes by name of cinnamon.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, child.
Yeah, I think we'll be all right.
Okay, babe.
Pound of sugar and a cinnamon shaker.
Why even open bed and breakfast? Sell cinnamon, and live like kings! So what's the procedure, Thor? You'll take sugar and cinnamon, put in boiling water.
I'll say incantation, and then we wait.
How long do we wait? 50 years.
No, just a little curse-breaking humor.
Curse break immediately.
It's good.
So? How did everything go? Uh, it's fine.
I don't really want to talk about it right now.
All right, well, here we go.
Uh, hold up is this gonna reverse the bad things that happened as a result of the curse? Or is just gonna stop more bad things from happening in the future? Interesting curse question.
Again, never had this much sugar, so it's hard to say.
Wait, why are you asking, Alberta? Well Thor said the curse made Sam fall down the stairs.
Which is the thing that gave her the ability to see us.
Y'all get where I'm going with this? Oh, boy, you're not pouring the sugar.
Why are you not pouring the sugar? The ghosts are saying this could result in me not being able to see them.
- What? For real? - They say there's a chance.
Very small chance, like size of Jay's forearm, so should be fine.
Yeah, it actually doesn't make any logical sense that the effects would be reversed, so I think you're good.
You'll be fine.
Okay, they-they think it's okay.
Mm.
By "okay," you mean you will continue to see dead people wherever we go.
- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.
Okay, let's do this.
W-wait.
Um I-I recently learned that you should say things to people before it's too late.
So even if this isn't goodbye, I think I speak for us all when I say, Sam, you have changed our afterlives for the better.
And we are forever grateful.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
Thank you, guys.
And please finish my biography! You have really dropped the ball on that.
Okay.
You may proceed.
Wait! Just in case, I, too, just want to say, that it has been a true honor knowing you.
You arrived here a stranger with harlot hair, but you have won my heart.
And become like a daughter with harlot hair.
I'd also like to say something.
I did say I spoke for us all, just a reminder.
He did.
Sam you can be a part of my troop any day.
Also, please tell Jay I love him and that Mark sucks and he shouldn't be friends with him anymore.
Thorfinn want to thank you for giving me Viking funeral.
Sorry for putting curse on you.
You can't be mad 'cause I said sorry.
Aah, Sam! If this is goodbye Okay, so the floodgates are just open.
I'm gonna miss you.
And I forgive you for not solving my murder, although I guess you could still keep working on it.
Oh, and if you make any progress, just stand in the middle of the room and just tell me.
I'll be here.
Thank you for everything, Sam.
For helping me tell my story.
Oh, and also for making all those pepperoni pizzas.
Please keep doing that.
Hey, Sam, thank you for being a true friend.
I'll be here, watching your life.
And when you die, God willing, you'll become a ghost.
And I don't even care how old you get first.
I know you'll keep it tight.
- There it is.
- Mm.
Sam, you're the best thing that's happened to me since shrooms.
Which did lead to my death.
But which then led to you.
Thanks, shrooms.
Thank you.
Thank all of you.
All done? Great, can we break this thing? I can't do this.
Yeah, I couldn't hear anything they were saying, but your face says it all.
If there is even a small chance that this could make them all go away, then I-I don't want to take that chance.
So we're gonna live with a curse? The curse might not even be real we don't know! I mean, Pete got shot with an arrow.
Is he cursed? The truth is life is going to throw obstacles in our way, but you know what? We will take them as they come.
I mean we can treat the termites.
- We can replace an old chandelier - Okay.
Yes, but what are we gonna do about the Farnsby & B? We can't compete with them, Sam.
Their place is way nicer, they can charge next to nothing.
They're beating us at our own game.
Then maybe we need to beat them at their own game.
Pickleball, I'm I'm talking about pickleball.
It was so unclear, babe.
Okay, here's the deal you're running the B and B to put us out of business, but we know you hate it.
What? We love it.
It's so much fun.
Oh, by the way, we need to pick up some more hand soap for Leeanne and Josh.
What are they doing, eating it? Okay, fine, we don't love it.
And frankly it's even ruining Newhart for me.
I feel like I'm at work now when I watch it.
So why don't we settle this B and B feud once and for all? One game of pickleball for all the marbles.
You win and we sell you our place and leave town.
- What?! - Ah-ah-ah, don't worry, remember? - Jay's a ringer.
- We win, and you close down Farnsby & B for good.
You think you can beat us? At pickleball? The reigning B-League mixed doubles seniors champions? - Is that good? - I can't tell.
Fine.
You've got a deal.
Our court is closed until May.
So we'll play at the country club.
Wait, you belong to a pickleball country club? Is it just pickleball or is there golf? I have a lot of follow-up questions.
The only question that matters will be answered on the court, this afternoon.
Come along, Margaret.
Is there a dress code? тк Here we go.
Looking forward to owning your house at a fair-market price.
Looking forward to putting you out of business.
They're back.
Here they come.
Well, how did it go? Well, it didn't start out great.
Zero, zero, two! Aha! The rare pickle ace! This is way harder in real life.
What? "Real life"? What does that mean? It turns out Jay hasn't actually been playing pickleball.
He's been playing a pickleball video game.
It's basically the same thing.
It's a simulator.
It's the same reason I can land a 747.
Jay, we bet the house! Would you bet the house on landing a 747? I mean, if it came to that, there'd be a lot more on the line than a house.
So what happened? Did y'all win?! Well, it was neck and neck.
Back and forth.
And then 11, ten, two.
Ow! Ow! - Henry! - Margaret! - My back, my back! Oh, get the IcyHot.
- Oh, no.
- Get the IcyHot! - Oh! So forfeit due to injury? Yeah, baby! We won by default! But a W is a W.
But they are shutting down their B and B? Yeah, Josh and Leeanne are on their way over here to check in right now.
тк Because they have no other тк тк Options.
тк Any chance we could call this place Farnsby & B? I hate to see that name go to waste.
Oh, like B and B! That's so clever.
Ah, there you are! Nigel! But how are you here? This doesn't make any sense.
You got sucked off.
You wish I got sucked off.
So you and your bearded floozy could continue galivanting without my knowledge! What are you talking about? Not sure what's happening, but I am here for the drama.
- Oh, I'm right there with you, Sass.
- Mm.
I'm talking about you and your lover.
The Viking? I mean, I think you're a great guy, Isaac What? You think I'm with that brute? - Hurtful.
- But Jenkins said Jenkins told me that you got sucked off! What do you think, tacos for dinner? Oh, dear, I think I know what this is.
Well, tell me, Nigel, because I am thoroughly confused what is going on? 150 years ago, Jenkins and I had a brief tryst.
And apparently he's never gotten over it.
So he was lying to both of us, to keep us apart.
Oh why would he care about keeping two buddies apart? Oh.
Um sure, Isaac.
Well, I guess I'll just go, since that's cleared up.
Nigel, wait.
I like you.
You - like me? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, please don't make me say it again.
Well I like you too, Isaac.
This is so sweet.
I knew.
I already knew.
It has been very hard keeping this secret, but he already told me.
And I'm sure you all are as shocked as I was when I first heard.
Color me flabbergasted.
What's going on?! Oh, my God.
That must be them.
It's our first guests! Babe, we made it! Yes, suck on that, curse! Whoa! Hey, are you nuts? Hey, Norse gods, that was just a joke.
You know Sam she's, like, the Loki of the house.
Again, it's probably not even real.
And even if it is, it's okay.
The curse was to prevent us from opening the B and B.
Now we're open.
We won.
I guess, yeah.
You ready? Let's do this.
Welcome to Woodstone B and B.
Babe ? Oh! Oh, my God! It's all good it's just an old house! It's not a curse.
Enjoy your stay! Oh, hey, Pete.
Oh.
Hey, Nancy.
Stop flirting, it's not happening, geez.

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