Ghosts (2021) s04e10 Episode Script
The Not-So-Silent Partner
1
Oh. Bodices and Barons is starting.
Ooh. I've never seen Baron von Schtubert
in such a fancy cravat.
Is that a cravat or is that an ascot?
It's a jabot. (HETTY SCOFFS)
I can't expect those
of your social stature to understand
the sartorial preferences
of the very rich.
You rich but not exactly
Sweyn Forkbeard. (SIGHS)
He king of Norway who once
got fork stuck in beard
but own it with clever nickname.
Well, Thorfinn, I don't like to brag,
but it is rumored that the
Woodstones are actually related
to the British royal family.
Whoa. We are?
Mm-hmm, the story goes that my
grandfather Bernard Woodstone
wooed a cousin of the monarch
and brought her back to America.
So I'm a royal? (CHUCKLES)
This is just like one of those movies
where a regular girl becomes a princess.
I was never a princess,
but I was briefly the
tenth wife to a sheik.
I don't have royal ancestry, per se,
but my Uncle Sal owned a
Burger King and a Dairy Queen.
Also a Subway, but that's
not really relevant here.
You know, we actually could confirm it.
They have these ancestry websites now
where you can track your family tree.
- Samantha, I think that would be wonderful.
- FLOWER: Shh!
The Baron and Lady
Eliza are about to do it.
Of course you commoners
are enthused about
something so base. (GASPS)
My God, she ripped his jabot right off.
♪
So, we're getting pretty
close with the restaurant.
Are we sure we need that table
in the middle of the dining room
that no one is allowed to sit at?
The ghost table? Uh, yes, Mark.
Yeah, that's a nonnegotiable
from our investor.
He wants it open
- in case he ever drops by.
- MAN: Hey.
I have an Amazon Prime
package for Woodstone B and B.
Thank you. This must
be the new tile samples.
Ooh, those arrived quickly.
And if they're not to my liking,
I will dispatch them with similar haste.
Maybe 12th time's the charm.
I'm pulling for you
guys. It's been a journey.
It has. Thank you for your support.
(SIGHS): Okay.
This is it. This is the one.
- I like it.
- I'm good with anything
that doesn't have me look at more tiles.
Eh, it's gonna be a "no" for me.
That particular shade of gray reminds me
of Benjamin Franklin's dead tooth.
And while I know that's
not a problem for everyone,
I can't get past it.
So, we did it?
Uh, actually, I just sent
a picture to our investor,
and he doesn't like them.
Sorry, Mark.
MARK: This is ridiculous.
Decisions are piling up.
I want to talk to this guy.
Uh, the thing is, the
investor's very private.
Uh, he's not a big talker.
God, I wish that were true.
MARK: That's not gonna
work for me anymore.
Either I meet the investor or I'm out.
But he's pretty busy.
I don't care. Get him
here or find a new partner.
Okay, Mark has never been hotter.
And that bar was high
to begin with. (CHUCKLES)
FLOWER: Hey, what's going on, guys?
Sam just received an email
from the ancestry computer site.
We're about to find out
if I am indeed royalty.
This could literally be my coronation.
Okay, I have a lot going on
today, so let's just do this.
Don't worry, everyone.
No matter what the results
are, nothing will change.
I have always been, and will
continue to be, superior to you.
You may be royal, but I was
voted prom king as a junior.
It was unprecedented.
Kind of feels like you're grasping.
Whatever. You probably
went to prom by yourself.
I was a student chaperone,
so technically I went with everyone.
So you went to prom
with multiple partners
but you still won't
sleep with me and Thor?
Ooh, that stings.
Okay, let me see.
There is your grandfather
Bernard and his wife Mary.
That's the one you
said was royal, right?
- Indeed.
- All right.
They have some birth records
for her. Let me click.
I'm not saying everyone should curtsy,
but if my grandeur moves
you, don't fight the instinct.
- Okay.
- SAMANTHA: Huh.
It says here she was
born Mary Shaughnessy
What?
in County Cork, Ireland.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- (GASPS) Hetty's Irish.
No !
JAY: What if we kill the investor?
We tell Mark that the
investor was heli-skiing
in British Columbia and
his chopper went down.
He came up with that way too easily.
This man has plans for someone,
and I, for one, respect it.
You will not kill the investor.
The investor is my representative,
my voice in this venture.
Isaac, we'll listen to
you. You can trust us.
- You don't need a representative.
- (ISAAC SCOFFS)
Where have I heard that before?
Oh, that's right, King George III.
Isaac complain about monarchy.
Must be day ending in "Y."
- This is going nowhere.
- ISAAC: Samantha, don't try me.
I will pull my funds.
And only I know the password
to the account and Trevor,
who I had to loop in
because he can touch buttons!
Oh, you know, Mark doesn't know
what the investor looks like.
Maybe you can get someone
to pretend to be them.
Alberta's suggesting we get someone
to pretend to be the investor
and introduce them to Mark.
Seriously?
Who would we even get?
I don't know, an actor? A TaskRabbit?
Maybe get one of the
Hudson Valley Players.
Many of them are actors and TaskRabbits.
No, Mark's a fellow player.
He knows all of them.
What about Momoa? He's between projects
and looking for new challenges,
according to People magazine.
JAY: What about the guy who played
Pete in Dumb Deaths? He was an actor.
He's in England.
I saw on Instagram he
booked the lead in Dr. Hoo.
Whoa! That's incredible.
Oh, sorry, "Hoo," H-O-O.
It's a Web series about an
owl that teaches kids math.
Either way, he's not available.
You can't just get any old actor.
You need someone who is
willing to con your friend.
THORFINN: What about lady
who pretend to be your cousin?
The one who try to steal your house.
She's fun.
The ghosts are pitching Kelsey.
The scammer who our shady lawyer hired
to con us out of the mansion?
On the upside, she might actually do it,
and she owes us for not turning her in.
Why didn't you turn her in?
She was sort of my cousin for a minute.
No, baby, that was the scam.
I don't have a lot of family.
(WHISPERING): I think
we sometimes forget
that Samantha once hit
her head really hard.
Look, it's either this
or we tell Mark the truth.
That we made up an investor
because we borrowed money from a ghost.
But Kelsey?
Are we really that desperate?
SAMANTHA: Kelsey, hey. Hey.
Come on in.
Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Oh, this? No. I just can't be
photographed outside without it
for the next 90 days.
She's a pro. I think this is gonna work.
Do either of you work for State Farm?
If you do, you have to tell me.
Call me crazy, I like her.
So, what's the play here? What
are we doing to this Mark guy?
- Is it a sting?
- No.
- A shakedown?
- No.
- A classic Nashville Hustle?
- Don't know what that is.
(LAUGHS) I dated the guy
who came up with that.
Ironically, invented in Chattanooga.
All you need to know is
we made up a fake investor
and now Mark wants to meet them,
so that's who you're pretending to be.
Look, I feel bad for the way
things went down last time
with the whole "me trying
to steal your house" thing.
Wow, you need a big
truck to steal a house.
So I'm gonna help you out,
but you're gonna have
to sweeten the pot.
How about a thousand dollars?
(SIGHS): Okay.
Uh, I've got
seven dollars and whatever's
left on this Chipotle gift card.
Deal!
I died before the
Constitutional Convention,
but I am glad to be here
to witness these historic negotiations.
KELSEY: So, yeah, I guess, bottom line:
- going to space is kind of boring.
- Really?
I think it would be incredible.
I mean, we hit a duck on the way up.
That was kind of exciting.
I hit a turkey in a
carriage once. (LAUGHS)
But we were going so slowly
the turkey barely noticed.
(SIGHS) Not everything
needs to be a story.
All right.
Mark, if you have any other questions
about Andrea's business or biography,
it's all on that website I sent you.
Jay stayed up all night
creating fake websites
for "Andrea" and her companies.
Yeah, I didn't get a chance to look.
Well, I can resend you the link.
I mean, it's pretty extensive.
Someone obviously put
a lot of work into it.
Well, I'm just glad
we finally got to meet.
Although it's weird.
I could have sworn Jay and Sam
always referred to you as a "he."
Maybe you just heard "rich investor"
and you assumed it was a man.
Oh, they're about to
gaslight the hell out of Mark.
It's called "internalized misogyny."
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Mark. We all have work to do.
I'm a huge proponent of equal rights,
which is why I slept with
every member of Fleetwood Mac.
Should we get down to business?
Mark, you said you wanted to talk
to Andrea about streamlining
the decision-making process.
Yeah, the restaurant's gonna open soon,
and we're starting to get behind.
We can't keep putting off decisions.
Like with the tiles,
you've been very particular.
Because they've particularly sucked.
KELSEY: You know what? You're right.
I have been micromanaging,
and that is not how I
like to run a company.
You know, I think there's
a page on her website
that explains her management style.
Why don't I pull it up and
we can look at it together?
Then it's settled. (CHUCKLES)
Andrea will be more
sensitive to our schedule.
Uh, speaking of which,
I think you said you
had a plane to catch.
Right. I'm gonna go visit
one of my many properties.
I have homes in Monte Carlo, Fiji
No way. I just got back from Fiji.
Stayed at the Four Seasons,
courtesy of Sam and Jay's new roof.
And our fountain. (CHUCKLES)
We basically just send all
our money straight to Mark.
You know what?
Actually, while I'm here,
I might as well go
check out the restaurant.
But your plane. Remember,
Andrea, your plane?
Well, you know, the best part
about having your own plane is
you get to decide when it leaves.
- (CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
- MARK: Great.
Let me show you the way.
(QUIETLY): Kelsey, what are you doing?
The longer you stay here, the
more likely it is we get caught.
Sam, how weird would it be
if I didn't want to see the restaurant?
I know what I'm doing.
You can trust me. I'm a con woman.
Hmm. Don't love the sound of that.
I mean, it just doesn't even
make any sense. (STAMMERS)
Me? Irish?
Can you see it?
A flaming redhead with
alabaster skin being Irish?
- Nope, doesn't add up.
- How do we even know
that this ancestry Web
thing is even correct?
Internet not always true.
Remember we take Sex and City
quiz and it say I am Miranda
when we all know Thor total Samantha.
Hetty, this is no big deal.
Being Irish is awesome.
- (SCOFFING)
- It's a proud culture with rich traditions.
This prejudice is just
a product of your time.
It's like Thor hating Danes
and Trevor hating Dartmouth.
Someone talking about the most
expensive ski school in the country?
No, Peter! I simply cannot accept it.
Th-there just must be some mistake.
I mean, if you really wanted an answer,
you could have Sam send in a DNA sample.
You would have a definitive
answer in about a week.
Man, the Internet is amazing.
Literally no downside.
Well, then I shall speak with Samantha.
Or you don't find out for sure.
At least now you have hope
that there is some mistake.
No, if there's a chance that I
can find out that I'm not Irish,
I must take it.
Wait! (SIGHS)
No need to test DNA, for
Thor already know results.
Your blood run green.
What are you saying?
As ghost, Thor watch
Woodstones for years.
I hear Mary speak about
growing up in Ireland.
Was very shameful secret
she and Bernard decide
to keep from children,
but Thor hear everything.
You've known this whole time
and you've kept this from me?
Did you two know about this?
If it makes you feel any better,
I've always loved St. Patrick's Day.
It's one of the top
three drunk girl holidays,
along with Halloween and Purim.
THORFINN: Thor not tell
anyone till just now.
Thor sorry, Hetty.
I can't believe you.
Hetty, please.
And what am I supposed to do now?
I can't even drown
my sorrows in whiskey.
And yes, that is an
instinct I suddenly have.
Do you have any other
secrets about anyone else
you've been holding on to?
Yes.
Okay.
The idea was to complement
the rustic with the modern,
in much the same way the food
is a blend of old and new.
It's really all about
supporting Jay's vision.
Who's Jay?
Me. I'm Jay.
I was also wondering that.
Andrea deals mostly with me, not Jay.
Do you have a problem with that, Mark?
Two women working together?
I-I didn't say anything.
Your silence is complicity.
ALBERTA: What are
they doing to this man?
You know, Mark, I have
a place in Lake Como
that could use your attention.
Really? Wow. Yeah, I mean,
that would be incredible.
I'm sorry, is she
offering Mark a fake job?
You got to get Kelsey out of here, Sam.
- She's a loose cannon.
- (SIGHS)
We had a loose cannon at
the Battle of White Plains.
It backfired and took out three
of our horses. (INHALES SHARPLY)
Tragedy, but we ate well that night.
Jay, didn't you want to show Mark
something with the walk-in freezer?
Right. The walk-in freezer.
Yeah, Mark, you got a sec?
Uh, yeah, sure. Be right back.
Hmm, "be right back."
That's what I said to Dusty
after I tied him to the post
next to that loose cannon.
- You have to leave.
- What?
You're offering Mark work on
a villa that doesn't exist.
Whatever. Things happen.
My villa was destroyed in a pasta spill.
Who knows? That's tomorrow's problem.
David Crosby's favorite shirt
was destroyed in a pasta spill.
Look, we really appreciate
you helping us out,
but I don't think we want to continue
to press our luck with Mark.
Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.
I start improvising, and I
just get lost in the story.
But I don't want to blow up your spot.
(GASPS) Spot was Dusty's best friend.
- Should I say goodbye to Mark?
- Just go.
All right, I'll take off.
Ooh, that Chipotle card
is burning a hole in my pocket anyway.
She's been standing
there for ten minutes.
What is she waiting for?
Maybe she forget why she standing there.
Happens to Flower all the time.
Oh, hey, guys. Mark and I were
just out for a little stroll,
unbeknownst to him. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, Andrea.
Thought you had to take off.
Still waiting on my limo, unfortunately.
I almost rode in a limo once.
Caesars Palace was trying to butter up
a group of us travel agents,
but Pete Martino is not for sale.
I just hope I don't miss this meeting.
It's a big investment opportunity.
I can't really talk about it.
It's okay. No problem.
It's this start-up. This big AI/VR play.
I think it's gonna be huge.
Actually, they're looking
for a couple more investors.
Really?
Oh, I see what's going on here.
Thor also understand, but
maybe you explain to Pete.
Why am I even telling you about this?
You wouldn't be interested.
Well, I don't know.
Could you tell me more about it?
There's not even a point.
I mean, they're closing the round today.
You'd have to literally
write me a check right now.
(GASPS) This is a Nashville Hustle.
Which really should've been
called a Chattanooga Cheat,
but that's a debate I've
already had too many times.
- Sam, we got big problem.
- What is it?
Your con woman just conned
your contractor out of 15 grand.
- Kelsey.
- ALBERTA: I'm just saying,
Momoa would never.
I can't believe Kelsey would con Mark.
Really? She did arrive
wearing a neck brace,
after she tried to steal your
home during her previous visit.
It feels in character.
You have to tell Mark
that he's the mark.
(LAUGHS) Get it?
But also, do you understand? Because
this is a very serious situation.
Okay, but then he'll find
out that Kelsey's a con woman
and we've been lying to him for months.
There he is!
Oh, do something, Sam.
He needs that money
for his muffin business.
Uh, Mark, can I have a word?
What's up?
Did you just give Andrea some
money to invest in something?
Yeah, I wrote her a
check. Did she tell you?
Are you guys getting in on it, too?
Listen, you need to cancel
that check immediately.
Why?
Poor Samantha.
How do they get themselves
in these predicaments?
You made them do this.
This is all your fault.
Asked and answered.
Andrea's a con woman.
Her real name is Kelsey.
I know because I hired her.
What are you talking
about? Hired her for what?
I needed someone to
pretend to be the investor.
I'm confused. Why would you do that?
Uh, that's a good question.
Just run. Leave town. Change your name.
Do you think my real
name's Alberta? (SCOFFS)
- What?
- Nothing.
JAY: Hey, guys.
Does Jay know about this?
Know about what?
That Andrea is a con
woman that Sam hired
to pretend to be the investor.
This going to destroy Jay
and Mark friendship. (SIGHS)
MARK: Well, Jay?
Jay doesn't know anything about it.
I did it all on my own.
Ooh, ooh, say, "In fact,
I did it because of Jay."
In fact, I did it because of Jay.
- Where are you going with this?
- Wherever the improv takes us.
Dead Ringers, our time is now.
That's the all-ghost improv
team I keep trying to start.
I can explain.
Maybe someone Jay didn't
want to invest invested,
and Sam hid it from Jay.
- Ooh, like a mob boss.
- Or a bear.
Or going off of that, Jay's dad.
The real investor is Jay's dad.
- What?
- I don't understand.
Jay was too proud to take
money from his father.
Jay was too proud to take
money from his father,
so Mahesh and I came up with
- this madcap scheme.
- Hold up.
The guy we named the restaurant after?
Wait a minute. Did-did you incept me
into naming my restaurant
after my own father?
Jay getting on board with improv.
We're zipping, she's zapping,
he's zopping. This is fun.
This is messed up, Sam.
I can't believe both my wife
and my father betrayed me.
MARK: I put my heart and
soul into this restaurant
because I believed in Jay.
And his vision.
Not some guy who thinks
he should be listened to
just because he put in some money.
SAMANTHA: I'm sure we can figure out
a way to all work together.
I think it might be Mahesh or me.
(STAMMERS)
And scene! Okay.
Normally, I'd suggest
we end things on a joke,
but maybe we just go out
on the emotion this time.
Yeah, this feels right.
THORFINN: There you are.
Thor feel bad about
the way we leave things
but wanted to give time
for famous Irish temper to cool down.
All those years when I would
mock the Irish for their sloth
or suggest that their pockets
were lined with corned beef,
you were quietly mocking me.
No, Thor wasn't.
Then why? Why would
you keep this from me?
Remember when you were child
and you thought that I was
imaginary friend Gordon?
Yes.
Gordon always look after Hetty.
Always protect her.
And even after you grow older
and no longer see imaginary friend,
I still want to protect you.
You knew learning this would hurt me,
and you didn't want to see me get hurt.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
Gordon love Hetty.
Aw, thank you.
Now you say it back.
Hetty love Gordon.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) You know, Thor
been around a thousand years
and seen many groups of people
hate other groups of
people for silly reasons.
But what Thor learn is that
we are all basically the same.
Except for Danes, who brains
are rumored to be mostly cabbage.
ISAAC: Samantha, do, uh,
you and Jay have a minute?
Isaac just came in. He wants to talk.
I'm listening.
Or, you know, doing that
thing where Sam listens
and then conveys to me and J-Just go.
I've been thinking about
my role in the restaurant,
and I believe that the most
helpful thing I can do right now
- is step back.
- What do you mean?
I'm saying, you can keep my money,
but I'm no longer gonna
be holding up the works.
Mark was right.
This restaurant should live
and die with Jay's vision.
Even if that vision includes
tiles that would look
more at home in a Canadian
high school locker room.
We're watching Degrassi.
They put milk in bags. (SIGHS)
Strange culture, Canada.
Jay, Isaac's saying that
we can keep the money,
no strings attached, because
he also believes in your vision.
Really? Thank you, Isaac.
Although I would like there
to still be a ghost table.
That's not for me.
That's for my friends.
Oh, that's unusually nice.
Well, just so you know, Isaac,
we couldn't have gotten
this far without you.
JAY: We owe you, buddy.
And you know what?
The signers of the Declaration
of Independence were overrated,
and crapping yourself
is a fine way to go.
- You're too kind, Jay.
- All right.
Well, I guess I should call Mark
and tell him we worked it out
and I told my dad to take a hike
and gave you a piece of my
mind for going behind my back.
Jay.
Seriously, it wasn't cool what you did.
If I had any self-respect,
you'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My man is improv-ing his tush off.
He would make a great Dead Ringer
if he would just die already. (CHUCKLES)
In a long, long time.
(WHISPERS): I hope it's soon.
So, as you can see,
the Irish actually have
a pretty neat history and culture.
We've covered James Joyce,
Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker.
We went down a pretty deep
Colin Farrell rabbit hole.
I'd like to go deeper.
Okay, well, that brings us to our
musical portion of the presentation.
Now, people love to
sing the praises of U2
and The Pogues and Sinéad O'Connor,
but they don't hold a candle
to my personal favorite.
Hit it, Trevor.
(STRAINING GRUNT)
("ORINOCO FLOW" BY ENYA
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪
What is this, Peter?
This is Enya.
It came out a couple years
after my death, actually,
but apparently, the
'80s got even more rad.
Song remind Thor of abandonment trauma.
That what shipmates do.
Sail away, sail away, sail away. ♪
Wait for the key change.
(LAUGHS) There it is.
Mm, this is lovely.
But maybe we go back to Colin Farrell.
Oh. Bodices and Barons is starting.
Ooh. I've never seen Baron von Schtubert
in such a fancy cravat.
Is that a cravat or is that an ascot?
It's a jabot. (HETTY SCOFFS)
I can't expect those
of your social stature to understand
the sartorial preferences
of the very rich.
You rich but not exactly
Sweyn Forkbeard. (SIGHS)
He king of Norway who once
got fork stuck in beard
but own it with clever nickname.
Well, Thorfinn, I don't like to brag,
but it is rumored that the
Woodstones are actually related
to the British royal family.
Whoa. We are?
Mm-hmm, the story goes that my
grandfather Bernard Woodstone
wooed a cousin of the monarch
and brought her back to America.
So I'm a royal? (CHUCKLES)
This is just like one of those movies
where a regular girl becomes a princess.
I was never a princess,
but I was briefly the
tenth wife to a sheik.
I don't have royal ancestry, per se,
but my Uncle Sal owned a
Burger King and a Dairy Queen.
Also a Subway, but that's
not really relevant here.
You know, we actually could confirm it.
They have these ancestry websites now
where you can track your family tree.
- Samantha, I think that would be wonderful.
- FLOWER: Shh!
The Baron and Lady
Eliza are about to do it.
Of course you commoners
are enthused about
something so base. (GASPS)
My God, she ripped his jabot right off.
♪
So, we're getting pretty
close with the restaurant.
Are we sure we need that table
in the middle of the dining room
that no one is allowed to sit at?
The ghost table? Uh, yes, Mark.
Yeah, that's a nonnegotiable
from our investor.
He wants it open
- in case he ever drops by.
- MAN: Hey.
I have an Amazon Prime
package for Woodstone B and B.
Thank you. This must
be the new tile samples.
Ooh, those arrived quickly.
And if they're not to my liking,
I will dispatch them with similar haste.
Maybe 12th time's the charm.
I'm pulling for you
guys. It's been a journey.
It has. Thank you for your support.
(SIGHS): Okay.
This is it. This is the one.
- I like it.
- I'm good with anything
that doesn't have me look at more tiles.
Eh, it's gonna be a "no" for me.
That particular shade of gray reminds me
of Benjamin Franklin's dead tooth.
And while I know that's
not a problem for everyone,
I can't get past it.
So, we did it?
Uh, actually, I just sent
a picture to our investor,
and he doesn't like them.
Sorry, Mark.
MARK: This is ridiculous.
Decisions are piling up.
I want to talk to this guy.
Uh, the thing is, the
investor's very private.
Uh, he's not a big talker.
God, I wish that were true.
MARK: That's not gonna
work for me anymore.
Either I meet the investor or I'm out.
But he's pretty busy.
I don't care. Get him
here or find a new partner.
Okay, Mark has never been hotter.
And that bar was high
to begin with. (CHUCKLES)
FLOWER: Hey, what's going on, guys?
Sam just received an email
from the ancestry computer site.
We're about to find out
if I am indeed royalty.
This could literally be my coronation.
Okay, I have a lot going on
today, so let's just do this.
Don't worry, everyone.
No matter what the results
are, nothing will change.
I have always been, and will
continue to be, superior to you.
You may be royal, but I was
voted prom king as a junior.
It was unprecedented.
Kind of feels like you're grasping.
Whatever. You probably
went to prom by yourself.
I was a student chaperone,
so technically I went with everyone.
So you went to prom
with multiple partners
but you still won't
sleep with me and Thor?
Ooh, that stings.
Okay, let me see.
There is your grandfather
Bernard and his wife Mary.
That's the one you
said was royal, right?
- Indeed.
- All right.
They have some birth records
for her. Let me click.
I'm not saying everyone should curtsy,
but if my grandeur moves
you, don't fight the instinct.
- Okay.
- SAMANTHA: Huh.
It says here she was
born Mary Shaughnessy
What?
in County Cork, Ireland.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- (GASPS) Hetty's Irish.
No !
JAY: What if we kill the investor?
We tell Mark that the
investor was heli-skiing
in British Columbia and
his chopper went down.
He came up with that way too easily.
This man has plans for someone,
and I, for one, respect it.
You will not kill the investor.
The investor is my representative,
my voice in this venture.
Isaac, we'll listen to
you. You can trust us.
- You don't need a representative.
- (ISAAC SCOFFS)
Where have I heard that before?
Oh, that's right, King George III.
Isaac complain about monarchy.
Must be day ending in "Y."
- This is going nowhere.
- ISAAC: Samantha, don't try me.
I will pull my funds.
And only I know the password
to the account and Trevor,
who I had to loop in
because he can touch buttons!
Oh, you know, Mark doesn't know
what the investor looks like.
Maybe you can get someone
to pretend to be them.
Alberta's suggesting we get someone
to pretend to be the investor
and introduce them to Mark.
Seriously?
Who would we even get?
I don't know, an actor? A TaskRabbit?
Maybe get one of the
Hudson Valley Players.
Many of them are actors and TaskRabbits.
No, Mark's a fellow player.
He knows all of them.
What about Momoa? He's between projects
and looking for new challenges,
according to People magazine.
JAY: What about the guy who played
Pete in Dumb Deaths? He was an actor.
He's in England.
I saw on Instagram he
booked the lead in Dr. Hoo.
Whoa! That's incredible.
Oh, sorry, "Hoo," H-O-O.
It's a Web series about an
owl that teaches kids math.
Either way, he's not available.
You can't just get any old actor.
You need someone who is
willing to con your friend.
THORFINN: What about lady
who pretend to be your cousin?
The one who try to steal your house.
She's fun.
The ghosts are pitching Kelsey.
The scammer who our shady lawyer hired
to con us out of the mansion?
On the upside, she might actually do it,
and she owes us for not turning her in.
Why didn't you turn her in?
She was sort of my cousin for a minute.
No, baby, that was the scam.
I don't have a lot of family.
(WHISPERING): I think
we sometimes forget
that Samantha once hit
her head really hard.
Look, it's either this
or we tell Mark the truth.
That we made up an investor
because we borrowed money from a ghost.
But Kelsey?
Are we really that desperate?
SAMANTHA: Kelsey, hey. Hey.
Come on in.
Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Oh, this? No. I just can't be
photographed outside without it
for the next 90 days.
She's a pro. I think this is gonna work.
Do either of you work for State Farm?
If you do, you have to tell me.
Call me crazy, I like her.
So, what's the play here? What
are we doing to this Mark guy?
- Is it a sting?
- No.
- A shakedown?
- No.
- A classic Nashville Hustle?
- Don't know what that is.
(LAUGHS) I dated the guy
who came up with that.
Ironically, invented in Chattanooga.
All you need to know is
we made up a fake investor
and now Mark wants to meet them,
so that's who you're pretending to be.
Look, I feel bad for the way
things went down last time
with the whole "me trying
to steal your house" thing.
Wow, you need a big
truck to steal a house.
So I'm gonna help you out,
but you're gonna have
to sweeten the pot.
How about a thousand dollars?
(SIGHS): Okay.
Uh, I've got
seven dollars and whatever's
left on this Chipotle gift card.
Deal!
I died before the
Constitutional Convention,
but I am glad to be here
to witness these historic negotiations.
KELSEY: So, yeah, I guess, bottom line:
- going to space is kind of boring.
- Really?
I think it would be incredible.
I mean, we hit a duck on the way up.
That was kind of exciting.
I hit a turkey in a
carriage once. (LAUGHS)
But we were going so slowly
the turkey barely noticed.
(SIGHS) Not everything
needs to be a story.
All right.
Mark, if you have any other questions
about Andrea's business or biography,
it's all on that website I sent you.
Jay stayed up all night
creating fake websites
for "Andrea" and her companies.
Yeah, I didn't get a chance to look.
Well, I can resend you the link.
I mean, it's pretty extensive.
Someone obviously put
a lot of work into it.
Well, I'm just glad
we finally got to meet.
Although it's weird.
I could have sworn Jay and Sam
always referred to you as a "he."
Maybe you just heard "rich investor"
and you assumed it was a man.
Oh, they're about to
gaslight the hell out of Mark.
It's called "internalized misogyny."
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Mark. We all have work to do.
I'm a huge proponent of equal rights,
which is why I slept with
every member of Fleetwood Mac.
Should we get down to business?
Mark, you said you wanted to talk
to Andrea about streamlining
the decision-making process.
Yeah, the restaurant's gonna open soon,
and we're starting to get behind.
We can't keep putting off decisions.
Like with the tiles,
you've been very particular.
Because they've particularly sucked.
KELSEY: You know what? You're right.
I have been micromanaging,
and that is not how I
like to run a company.
You know, I think there's
a page on her website
that explains her management style.
Why don't I pull it up and
we can look at it together?
Then it's settled. (CHUCKLES)
Andrea will be more
sensitive to our schedule.
Uh, speaking of which,
I think you said you
had a plane to catch.
Right. I'm gonna go visit
one of my many properties.
I have homes in Monte Carlo, Fiji
No way. I just got back from Fiji.
Stayed at the Four Seasons,
courtesy of Sam and Jay's new roof.
And our fountain. (CHUCKLES)
We basically just send all
our money straight to Mark.
You know what?
Actually, while I'm here,
I might as well go
check out the restaurant.
But your plane. Remember,
Andrea, your plane?
Well, you know, the best part
about having your own plane is
you get to decide when it leaves.
- (CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
- MARK: Great.
Let me show you the way.
(QUIETLY): Kelsey, what are you doing?
The longer you stay here, the
more likely it is we get caught.
Sam, how weird would it be
if I didn't want to see the restaurant?
I know what I'm doing.
You can trust me. I'm a con woman.
Hmm. Don't love the sound of that.
I mean, it just doesn't even
make any sense. (STAMMERS)
Me? Irish?
Can you see it?
A flaming redhead with
alabaster skin being Irish?
- Nope, doesn't add up.
- How do we even know
that this ancestry Web
thing is even correct?
Internet not always true.
Remember we take Sex and City
quiz and it say I am Miranda
when we all know Thor total Samantha.
Hetty, this is no big deal.
Being Irish is awesome.
- (SCOFFING)
- It's a proud culture with rich traditions.
This prejudice is just
a product of your time.
It's like Thor hating Danes
and Trevor hating Dartmouth.
Someone talking about the most
expensive ski school in the country?
No, Peter! I simply cannot accept it.
Th-there just must be some mistake.
I mean, if you really wanted an answer,
you could have Sam send in a DNA sample.
You would have a definitive
answer in about a week.
Man, the Internet is amazing.
Literally no downside.
Well, then I shall speak with Samantha.
Or you don't find out for sure.
At least now you have hope
that there is some mistake.
No, if there's a chance that I
can find out that I'm not Irish,
I must take it.
Wait! (SIGHS)
No need to test DNA, for
Thor already know results.
Your blood run green.
What are you saying?
As ghost, Thor watch
Woodstones for years.
I hear Mary speak about
growing up in Ireland.
Was very shameful secret
she and Bernard decide
to keep from children,
but Thor hear everything.
You've known this whole time
and you've kept this from me?
Did you two know about this?
If it makes you feel any better,
I've always loved St. Patrick's Day.
It's one of the top
three drunk girl holidays,
along with Halloween and Purim.
THORFINN: Thor not tell
anyone till just now.
Thor sorry, Hetty.
I can't believe you.
Hetty, please.
And what am I supposed to do now?
I can't even drown
my sorrows in whiskey.
And yes, that is an
instinct I suddenly have.
Do you have any other
secrets about anyone else
you've been holding on to?
Yes.
Okay.
The idea was to complement
the rustic with the modern,
in much the same way the food
is a blend of old and new.
It's really all about
supporting Jay's vision.
Who's Jay?
Me. I'm Jay.
I was also wondering that.
Andrea deals mostly with me, not Jay.
Do you have a problem with that, Mark?
Two women working together?
I-I didn't say anything.
Your silence is complicity.
ALBERTA: What are
they doing to this man?
You know, Mark, I have
a place in Lake Como
that could use your attention.
Really? Wow. Yeah, I mean,
that would be incredible.
I'm sorry, is she
offering Mark a fake job?
You got to get Kelsey out of here, Sam.
- She's a loose cannon.
- (SIGHS)
We had a loose cannon at
the Battle of White Plains.
It backfired and took out three
of our horses. (INHALES SHARPLY)
Tragedy, but we ate well that night.
Jay, didn't you want to show Mark
something with the walk-in freezer?
Right. The walk-in freezer.
Yeah, Mark, you got a sec?
Uh, yeah, sure. Be right back.
Hmm, "be right back."
That's what I said to Dusty
after I tied him to the post
next to that loose cannon.
- You have to leave.
- What?
You're offering Mark work on
a villa that doesn't exist.
Whatever. Things happen.
My villa was destroyed in a pasta spill.
Who knows? That's tomorrow's problem.
David Crosby's favorite shirt
was destroyed in a pasta spill.
Look, we really appreciate
you helping us out,
but I don't think we want to continue
to press our luck with Mark.
Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.
I start improvising, and I
just get lost in the story.
But I don't want to blow up your spot.
(GASPS) Spot was Dusty's best friend.
- Should I say goodbye to Mark?
- Just go.
All right, I'll take off.
Ooh, that Chipotle card
is burning a hole in my pocket anyway.
She's been standing
there for ten minutes.
What is she waiting for?
Maybe she forget why she standing there.
Happens to Flower all the time.
Oh, hey, guys. Mark and I were
just out for a little stroll,
unbeknownst to him. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, Andrea.
Thought you had to take off.
Still waiting on my limo, unfortunately.
I almost rode in a limo once.
Caesars Palace was trying to butter up
a group of us travel agents,
but Pete Martino is not for sale.
I just hope I don't miss this meeting.
It's a big investment opportunity.
I can't really talk about it.
It's okay. No problem.
It's this start-up. This big AI/VR play.
I think it's gonna be huge.
Actually, they're looking
for a couple more investors.
Really?
Oh, I see what's going on here.
Thor also understand, but
maybe you explain to Pete.
Why am I even telling you about this?
You wouldn't be interested.
Well, I don't know.
Could you tell me more about it?
There's not even a point.
I mean, they're closing the round today.
You'd have to literally
write me a check right now.
(GASPS) This is a Nashville Hustle.
Which really should've been
called a Chattanooga Cheat,
but that's a debate I've
already had too many times.
- Sam, we got big problem.
- What is it?
Your con woman just conned
your contractor out of 15 grand.
- Kelsey.
- ALBERTA: I'm just saying,
Momoa would never.
I can't believe Kelsey would con Mark.
Really? She did arrive
wearing a neck brace,
after she tried to steal your
home during her previous visit.
It feels in character.
You have to tell Mark
that he's the mark.
(LAUGHS) Get it?
But also, do you understand? Because
this is a very serious situation.
Okay, but then he'll find
out that Kelsey's a con woman
and we've been lying to him for months.
There he is!
Oh, do something, Sam.
He needs that money
for his muffin business.
Uh, Mark, can I have a word?
What's up?
Did you just give Andrea some
money to invest in something?
Yeah, I wrote her a
check. Did she tell you?
Are you guys getting in on it, too?
Listen, you need to cancel
that check immediately.
Why?
Poor Samantha.
How do they get themselves
in these predicaments?
You made them do this.
This is all your fault.
Asked and answered.
Andrea's a con woman.
Her real name is Kelsey.
I know because I hired her.
What are you talking
about? Hired her for what?
I needed someone to
pretend to be the investor.
I'm confused. Why would you do that?
Uh, that's a good question.
Just run. Leave town. Change your name.
Do you think my real
name's Alberta? (SCOFFS)
- What?
- Nothing.
JAY: Hey, guys.
Does Jay know about this?
Know about what?
That Andrea is a con
woman that Sam hired
to pretend to be the investor.
This going to destroy Jay
and Mark friendship. (SIGHS)
MARK: Well, Jay?
Jay doesn't know anything about it.
I did it all on my own.
Ooh, ooh, say, "In fact,
I did it because of Jay."
In fact, I did it because of Jay.
- Where are you going with this?
- Wherever the improv takes us.
Dead Ringers, our time is now.
That's the all-ghost improv
team I keep trying to start.
I can explain.
Maybe someone Jay didn't
want to invest invested,
and Sam hid it from Jay.
- Ooh, like a mob boss.
- Or a bear.
Or going off of that, Jay's dad.
The real investor is Jay's dad.
- What?
- I don't understand.
Jay was too proud to take
money from his father.
Jay was too proud to take
money from his father,
so Mahesh and I came up with
- this madcap scheme.
- Hold up.
The guy we named the restaurant after?
Wait a minute. Did-did you incept me
into naming my restaurant
after my own father?
Jay getting on board with improv.
We're zipping, she's zapping,
he's zopping. This is fun.
This is messed up, Sam.
I can't believe both my wife
and my father betrayed me.
MARK: I put my heart and
soul into this restaurant
because I believed in Jay.
And his vision.
Not some guy who thinks
he should be listened to
just because he put in some money.
SAMANTHA: I'm sure we can figure out
a way to all work together.
I think it might be Mahesh or me.
(STAMMERS)
And scene! Okay.
Normally, I'd suggest
we end things on a joke,
but maybe we just go out
on the emotion this time.
Yeah, this feels right.
THORFINN: There you are.
Thor feel bad about
the way we leave things
but wanted to give time
for famous Irish temper to cool down.
All those years when I would
mock the Irish for their sloth
or suggest that their pockets
were lined with corned beef,
you were quietly mocking me.
No, Thor wasn't.
Then why? Why would
you keep this from me?
Remember when you were child
and you thought that I was
imaginary friend Gordon?
Yes.
Gordon always look after Hetty.
Always protect her.
And even after you grow older
and no longer see imaginary friend,
I still want to protect you.
You knew learning this would hurt me,
and you didn't want to see me get hurt.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
Gordon love Hetty.
Aw, thank you.
Now you say it back.
Hetty love Gordon.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) You know, Thor
been around a thousand years
and seen many groups of people
hate other groups of
people for silly reasons.
But what Thor learn is that
we are all basically the same.
Except for Danes, who brains
are rumored to be mostly cabbage.
ISAAC: Samantha, do, uh,
you and Jay have a minute?
Isaac just came in. He wants to talk.
I'm listening.
Or, you know, doing that
thing where Sam listens
and then conveys to me and J-Just go.
I've been thinking about
my role in the restaurant,
and I believe that the most
helpful thing I can do right now
- is step back.
- What do you mean?
I'm saying, you can keep my money,
but I'm no longer gonna
be holding up the works.
Mark was right.
This restaurant should live
and die with Jay's vision.
Even if that vision includes
tiles that would look
more at home in a Canadian
high school locker room.
We're watching Degrassi.
They put milk in bags. (SIGHS)
Strange culture, Canada.
Jay, Isaac's saying that
we can keep the money,
no strings attached, because
he also believes in your vision.
Really? Thank you, Isaac.
Although I would like there
to still be a ghost table.
That's not for me.
That's for my friends.
Oh, that's unusually nice.
Well, just so you know, Isaac,
we couldn't have gotten
this far without you.
JAY: We owe you, buddy.
And you know what?
The signers of the Declaration
of Independence were overrated,
and crapping yourself
is a fine way to go.
- You're too kind, Jay.
- All right.
Well, I guess I should call Mark
and tell him we worked it out
and I told my dad to take a hike
and gave you a piece of my
mind for going behind my back.
Jay.
Seriously, it wasn't cool what you did.
If I had any self-respect,
you'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My man is improv-ing his tush off.
He would make a great Dead Ringer
if he would just die already. (CHUCKLES)
In a long, long time.
(WHISPERS): I hope it's soon.
So, as you can see,
the Irish actually have
a pretty neat history and culture.
We've covered James Joyce,
Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker.
We went down a pretty deep
Colin Farrell rabbit hole.
I'd like to go deeper.
Okay, well, that brings us to our
musical portion of the presentation.
Now, people love to
sing the praises of U2
and The Pogues and Sinéad O'Connor,
but they don't hold a candle
to my personal favorite.
Hit it, Trevor.
(STRAINING GRUNT)
("ORINOCO FLOW" BY ENYA
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪
What is this, Peter?
This is Enya.
It came out a couple years
after my death, actually,
but apparently, the
'80s got even more rad.
Song remind Thor of abandonment trauma.
That what shipmates do.
Sail away, sail away, sail away. ♪
Wait for the key change.
(LAUGHS) There it is.
Mm, this is lovely.
But maybe we go back to Colin Farrell.