Girls5eva (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

Leave a Message If You Love Me

1 - Open it! Open it! - Happy birthday, Ashley! - Aww, what's this one? - Ooh! It's the first bronzer that doubles as a low-cal butter substitute.
- I think it's German.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God, you guys! Oh, my God! It's the Nokia 879 Switch Splazz.
We pooled our per diems.
You can text people any number and all the letters A through J.
Too kewl.
Ooh, ooh, let's do my message.
You've reached Ashley's Splazz.
Leave a message if you love me ♪ - Oh, I love you guys! - We love you! We love you! - Birthday hug! - Aww! Okay, okay.
Now let's go blow the doors off the Dad's Choice Awards! Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ - 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ - It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Top of the Wednesday! Guys, I think I cracked our love song.
I've been grinding it in my head for days, and then it just shot into my brain.
It's about eye contact.
- Wow.
- Ooh, V sexual.
Yeah, the eyes are the windows to the 0-9s.
To the what? The 0-9s.
The genitals? Genitals.
Jennys? No? You know the song "Jenny"? 867-5309? The 0-9s! Come on, guys, get with my slang.
I sent you a PDF.
There you go.
- What's up with the security? - Hey, Paul.
What's going on? Can't say who's here, but whenever an A-lister with a stalker or two is in the building, we throw up extra security measures.
I also have a stalker.
He lives in Canada and stalks remotely.
We met at camp.
Oh, my gosh.
You guys.
is recording here? - Oh, my God.
- T-who? She's one of those stars who never shows their face, like Daft Punk, Orville Peck, deadmau5.
The list goes on and on, but I'm done listing.
She's like a sexy beekeeper.
Hey! ♪ Oh, my IUD is white gold.
It's Kate Hudson for Pandora for Pfizer BioNTech.
Oh, okay.
"Your Eyes.
" Here we go.
all: Your eyes tell me a story ♪ Of where our road will wind ♪ Our eyes tell me a story ♪ Half yours, half mine ♪ Half mine ALL: Half yours ♪ Ooh ♪ - Label's gonna love that.
- Really fires up the 0-9s.
Oh, somebody read the PDF.
Thanks! Gonna send this demo off to Tate.
- Dawn, is that a mayo packet? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
What? I ran out of lip stuff.
Honey, what is your self-care routine? She's usually still chewing when she enters a bathroom.
- Ugh! - I'm busy.
You need a break.
I am making you an appointment for a massage at my MedSpa.
I've only been to the "Spa" part, never the "Med".
Because I've never done anything to my face or my butt.
It's just natural.
No, I don't think I should go 'cause this studio time is precious.
Even I think you need to take a moment, and I invented Album Mode.
I usually work out knots by leaning against the hot pipe in my apartment.
Gloria and I will keep the train moving.
Uh, hey, uh, real quick before you go, I think the beekeeper suit lady is Ashley.
- Oh, God.
- Gloria, please.
Now, we all agree Ashley faked her own death.
Hot take, I'm starting to think that Ashley faked her own death.
The fall from the infinity pool was not high enough.
I threw a dummy from that same height, and only the feet detached.
What if it's like Why was it a closed casket? ♪ Because it was empty, that's why ♪ She had a magician boyfriend, and all deaths in Vegas are suspicious.
Top of the Wednesday! Listen, I love a good theory I think Sienna Miller is secret twins but Ashley is gone.
But see, Google can't verify T.
's age or her hand texture, and they both throw up peace signs, and their voices are identical.
Freaking autoplay.
Sorry, these old action movies are the only thing that keeps my dad from revealing himself to his nurse.
Okay, listen to Ashley in the remix of "Famous 5eva.
" Checking out the hotties with their sexy bodies ♪ Still drinking Veuve Clicquot champagne ♪ We all got Maseratis ♪ Now listen to T.
What's the weather in your mouth, babe? ♪ What's the weather in your mouth? ♪ ♪ Oh, honey, that is so auto-tuned.
It could be anyone.
Gloria, we all miss Ashley, but I think you've been listening to too many crime podcasts.
I think T.
is Meghan Markle.
Or a disgraced oil heiress, or a redhead.
Or some daughter of a DJ named Beth who needed a gimmick.
Oh, that was so nice! - I got a Cold Stone massage.
- Ooh! Where they incorporate ice cream.
- Oh, I love that one.
- Yeah, this spa is so great.
Can't speak hide nor hare about the "Med" part.
Never been.
Have you heard about these thread lifts everybody's getting, though? They say, like, they put string underneath your skin, and then they sort of, like, tie it up at your forehead.
That's crazy, right? Or normal? - Crazy.
- Yes.
No, Summer, don't be one of those women.
You don't wanna look like Susan from "Guess Who.
" Oh, for sure.
It's like I said in "Maxim" when I was 19.
I'm never gonna do plastic surgery.
That's binding.
Ooh, text from Tate.
"Love the love song.
Can you pop over?" You wrote us a hit! What if we just start with all the words we know? Uh Terrace ♪ Biscotti ♪ Tornado ♪ You know, I was thinking, what if we went even deeper? - Oh, yeah.
- Here, sit right here.
Okay, finish this sentence in your notebook, okay? Wickie Roy is - Five-dimensional.
- Mm.
A keen observer.
Ladies, thank you five coming.
That love song, I was like, "The boppery!" Thank you.
One thing I wanted to flag: so there's a guy who works here who has kids, and when he heard it, he was like well, I can't really do him justice 'cause he's so tired, but he goes, "I've heard that song.
" Oh, like at the future Grammys.
No, um, I guess it's the theme song to some kids' show, "Bobby Baloney," about a cow-pig that can see the future.
Your eyes tell me a story ♪ Of where our road will wind ♪ Our eyes tell me a story ♪ Half bovine, half swine ♪ Half cow, moo ♪ Half pig ♪ Ugh, I used to show "Bobby Baloney" to Max when he was a baby.
It must have filed away in my subconscious somewhere.
Obviously, it was an accident, but we can't afford the rights and we can't risk a lawsuit.
The other thing is, you guys only have a couple weeks left in the studio, so if the love song thing is tripping you up, just scrap it and open things up.
Revenge songs are hot.
Adele wrote a song about wine.
It's time to get in the quantity business.
Got it.
Oh, and whatever you make, it'd be amazing if it were the exact length of a teenager's skincare routine.
3 minutes, 45 seconds.
Look at you on a roll.
Right on.
We're writing my story.
Is it cheating to invent a dead parent? It always seems to hook people, right, Glo Where is Gloria? Oh, I just saw her outside.
That little stinktress! Excuse me, age before toddlers.
Excuse me.
Hey, you're a stalker, right? You must know who's under the suit.
Hey! My privacy! Can you hear yourself? Oh! Oh, my God! Hi, just make it out to, "It's me, Gloria.
It's okay.
You can tell me it's you, Ashley.
" Okay, I get it.
There's a lot of people around.
Just let me measure your feet.
I'm not who you think I am.
Toodles! Okay, you done? She just said she's not Ashley.
- End of story.
- Prologue of story.
She just proved it's her.
- If you were a poker hand - Dang autoplay! You'd be four jokers and a piece of shit.
Okay, I have everything from loading up Ashley's hologram, all the way back to when she was in commercials.
Look at this.
Meet The 'Tudle! The smallest backpacklet on the market.
♪ The 'Tudle! Try and find it at Wanamaker's.
This proves what? The 'Tudle? Outside, T.
said "Toodles!" I mean, that can't be an accident.
Well, we're back and even behinder than this morning.
The love song is dead.
I'm a plagiarizer.
What? It's okay.
We'll just we'll write another one.
Well, I should probably check that "Momentum" isn't just the "Facts of Life" theme.
I'm worse than Robin Thicke.
No one is worse than Robin Thicke.
Maybe these guys cracked something.
When T.
gets back from lunch, I'm gonna rip her mask off.
I'm gonna take that as a no.
Her bodyguards are short, so you know they do violence! When will this end? You thought Ashley was in the Polyphonic Spree.
You thought she was a tollbooth worker that you saw by the Holland Tunnel who was Black.
And had the same tattoo of a Tasmanian devil getting head from a butterfly.
You need to move on here.
Of course you'd tell me to move on.
That's what you do best.
You moved on so fast, you didn't even come to Ashley's bench dedication.
I was in LA getting my wax figure cast.
- I suffered too! - Oh, please.
I had straws in my mouth and butt so nothing bubbled.
If you don't, you risk a bunny tail! Well, I know T.
is her.
If you look hard enough at any old video, you can bend your brain to find a clue.
Dads, Dads! I can't believe we won a freaking DCA! Tom Arnold was so nice! We are breathing rare air! That's right! Wow, this is too kewl! Wickie, she just put a big and a K on that mirror.
And other letters too.
As your friend, if I can prove to you that T.
is not Ashley, will you drop this for good? - You're gonna help me? - I fucking love you! - It's her.
- It's not her.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh! What about something from the perspective of a waiting fisherman's wife? See, see ♪ See seaman's first Fuck.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody accidentally borrows stuff.
Being sued by Marvin Gaye's nephews is a rite of passage.
Oh, my God, the line at Sweetgreen was crazy long like it was for sneakers.
Summer, you got the thread lift.
What? I would never! No, it's probably just a delayed response from the massage.
You know, I've been drinking a lot of green juice.
I'm in a really good place.
Japanese sweet potatoes.
Sometimes people say a lot of reasons when they're lying.
No, I'm just I'm very well rested.
I've been avoiding nightshades, you know? Silk pillowcases.
Cutting down on screen time.
Alkaline water.
Bone broth and gratitude.
I know I can trust ♪ Shapiro and Brandt ♪ Commercial litigation ♪ Hmm.
The more personal you get, the less likely it's gonna feel like it's something else.
Ooh, should we do a song about honest, natural beauty? You know what always gets juices flowing? Who are you mad at? Tate did say that revenge songs are very hot.
Who's wronged us? Threw us together in a motel room ♪ Promised we'd be famous soon ♪ Made his money on a basement zoo ♪ Saw the Spice Girls, said, "I can pick girls too" ♪ Yes! Oh, my God, this is about Larry.
Wait, um Cranked our tanning booth to ten ♪ Dyed his arm hairs black and then ♪ Raymond, go! Hit the special button! We're in the pocket! Don't get fat ♪ I taped these to all the other women's bathrooms in the building.
A bathroom "Out of Order" sign is as respected in this country as the flag or James Earl Jones.
Yes, I never question them! The human bladder is the reason that most stakeouts fall apart, so this is an ideal situation.
's not gonna just take off her mask because we ask.
We have to be delicate and precise.
You already had your shot with her.
Now, let me take mine.
By all means.
Leaving the stage, we hear through a cough ♪ "Looks like talent took the day off" ♪ Only let us BOTH: Eat crab ♪ 'Cause you can't BOTH: Get fat ♪ From food that's ♪ So damn hard - To get at ♪ Sketchy financials ♪ 98% commission ♪ Our tour was only through countries ♪ With no extradition ♪ 20 years later, we can still hear him say ♪ "You work like dogs, the kind that sleep all day" ♪ But now we're at the wheel ♪ You can take the bus ♪ 'Cause everything we do ♪ Belongs to us ♪ Oh, this is cathartic as hell! Wow, y'all.
Larry? What are you doing here? Collab's in Studio Five, and we had some extra Brofu.
- Ugh.
- So I hope you had some fun, because that song is never gonna see the light of day.
- Why is that? - Because it's theft! That's my life.
My story.
Mine to tell.
You're a Bad Art Friend.
That's not how Bad Art Friend works, Larry.
Girls5eva lived this story.
But you lifted my words verbato.
"You work like dogs, the kind that sleep all day.
" That's mine.
"Looks like talent took the day off.
" Also mine.
"You're replaceable as baby teeth.
" This is plagiarism.
You use it, you're buying yourself a lawsuit.
You want a lawsuit? No, courtroom lighting is really bad.
All right, now, look, I'm a reasonable guy, now.
I only walk around with medium dick energy.
So how about you can put the song on your album if you throw me a cowriting credit and you add a thing where you say I'm tall.
- No way, Larry! - Ew.
You look good.
Manuka? ♪ Oh, my God.
, right? Ugh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Do we know each other? - Wickie.
Recording artist.
Look, I just found out my stalker is hanging around the building.
You get it.
I need to slip out undetected.
Otherwise, he'll try to take some of my eyelashes.
Could I borrow your suit? I'm sorry, love, I can't.
I can lend you a bodyguard to get out, though.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
Oh, no, I just saw on Toilet TV that the Hockley 459 beekeeper headdress and accompanying veil have been recalled for suffocation risk! Anyone wearing one should take it off now.
I'm going to find a different bathroom.
- It's not Ashley.
- The smells are all wrong.
- Stand down.
- I gotta know! - Gloria! - Hey! Ow! My mystique! Gloria, rude! - You're not her? - I'm not who? Ow! That hurt! How could you not be our friend Ashley? Ugh, I am so sick of being a Rorschach blot for other people's crap.
Everyone thinks I'm JFK Jr.
or their high school girlfriend or Carole Baskin's dead husband.
I'm just Beth.
My dad's a DJ, and we agreed I needed a thing! Oh, my God, did I call it.
Whoever you thought I was, they are gone.
So just deal with your crap and leave me out of it! Goodbye, bitches.
Tell no one what you saw here.
Dang it! You ruined my mystique.
I'm supposed to walk a tiger in Machine Gun Kelly's wedding, and now I'm all scared! - No, Larry's bluffing.
- He's not gonna sue us.
He sued a Starbucks for not being where he thought it was.
I think we should take his deal.
We cannot give Larry writing credit on our song that rips him.
He is quoted all over it.
I know it's gross, but if this is the only way that people are gonna hear it Then I'd rather kill the song.
But we need songs! Dawn, you heard Tate.
We're so behind.
God! I just think that we just need to get really honest about where we are right now.
Really, I should get honest? Your thread lift's caught on the soundproofing, isn't it? What? No! I'm just casual, you know? Green juice culture.
Intermittent fasting and apple cider vinegar.
I've gone paperless.
You are ridiculous.
I just want this song on the album, Dawn! - Yeah, so do I, but it's dead.
- Get a shovel.
- Ugh! - We have no album.
I think Gloria bought MasterClass.
Maybe Paul Simon did one.
- Okay.
- Oh! You'll find that I'm a man of many talents.
Freaking autoplay.
Looks like talent took the day off.
Wait, what did he say? - I said I'm sorry! - We signed the NDA! God.
Really thought it was her.
What the hell is wrong with me? You just want it to be her because the truth is too hard.
Ashley fell off an infinity pool drunk.
It was the number one cause of hot person death in 2003.
is right.
I got a lot of shit to deal with.
I am bad at letting go.
I have a Sims character named Val who's been shooting hoops for 20 years.
♪ Part of me thought it was her too.
- You did? - Or hoped it was her.
I didn't skip Ashley's bench ceremony because I was busy.
I skipped it because it was too hard.
I loved Ashley.
She was the only one in the group I didn't think I was better than.
Sometimes, I still call her phone to hear her outgoing message.
Her parents never turned it off, you know.
That's me.
I've been paying that bill.
I still call her like an idiot, and I just keep hoping she's gonna pick it up.
I think this is just all bubbling up because we're all working together again.
And it just really fucking sucks that she can't be part of any of it! I know.
Maybe she can.
So you've come to your senses.
I want my name spelled all lowercase, cool.
Yeah, well, we've been thinking, and given the amount of direct quotes, we're willing to share writing credit on the track.
- With Mort Howard.
- Who? The writer of "Designated Interest," the 1994 Steven Seagal punch saga.
All of the insults that you hurled at us came from that movie.
You work like a dog, the kind that sleeps all day.
But you forgot one thing, Scalabrini: my kicking.
Okay, okay.
It's hard to be original.
Look, every guy is shaped by a cool movie that they quote incessantly.
In almost all cases, it's "Fight Club.
" - Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
Forget about my credit.
Where are we with adding the thing where I'm tall? No! "Now get out of my airspace.
" A girl quoting a movie.
That's never happened in the world.
You're a trailblazer, Dawn.
That was amazing! And, listen, honey, while we're being all brave and trailblazing, Dawn, I need to tell you something about my face.
Oh, Summer, I know what you did.
It's not just all infrared saunas, wellness, gong baths, plant-based diet, returning to my breath.
- No, you got a thread lift.
- I got a thread lift.
I have been to the "Med" part of the MedSpa.
All the time.
I mean, I've done everything.
Botox, filler, cheek sculpting, chin shaving No, no, I cannot take another list.
My God, that felt so good.
A weight has been lifted! So you're gonna stop doing it? No.
The growth is admitting it.
You know what? I am sick of people like you judging me so I feel like I have to do these things in the shadows.
No, the only reason you do it in the first place is because of societal pressure on women to Bored! You know what I think I'm gonna do next? They're doing this thing where they put, like, a Slinky under your butt.
- Leave me alone about it.
- Okay.
But will you just go to a good place next time? Fair, because, um All my threads came out.
- Ew.
- I know.
It was gross.
Overall, a good day, though.
I mean, we still don't have our love song, but I'm sure that'll come to us eventually.
We found our love song! Oh, my God! It's about Ashley.
You've reached Ashley's Splazz.
Leave a message if you love me ♪ Not a day goes by without missing you ♪ ♪ Wishing you were here and the truth weren't true ♪ ♪ Wanna hear your voice, but you don't answer anymore ♪ ♪ Still, we call you up ♪ Sometimes to be sure ♪ We hope somewhere that you can see ♪ While you're swimming in infinity ♪ That life is cruel and it probably ♪ Should have been me ♪ I did a lot of cocaine ♪ So much cocaine ♪ At the beep ♪ ♪ At the beep ♪ ♪ Message at the beep ♪ ♪ Dream 'bout you always ♪ Even when we can't sleep ♪ At the beep ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ At the beep ♪ Message at the beep ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ To say ♪ We love you ♪ At the beep ♪ Message at the beep ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Oh ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Oh ♪ Leave a message ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Leave a message ♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪ Threw us together in a motel room ♪ Promised we'd be famous soon ♪ Made his money off a basement zoo ♪ Saw the Spice Girls, said ♪ "I can pick girls too" ♪ Bob Cratchit hours, thousand crunches a day ♪ Set of steak knives to whoever lands Carson Daly ♪ We were Top 40 and living out our dreams ♪ He got a Porsche, we got a camel cash per diem ♪ After our shows, he took a bow ♪ Drove us by his high school ♪ Yelled, "Who's bad at football now?" ♪ But we're finally at the wheel ♪ You can take the bus ♪ 'Cause everything we do ♪ Belongs to us ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.

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