Glee s01e08 Episode Script

1ARC07 - Mash-Up

My weave! - What the hell, Karofsky? - Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade when you made fun of me for getting pubes.
Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? - It's open season.
- Screw you, Karofsky! You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing! - You're gonna pay for this, dude! - No, I'm not.
You two don't have the juice anymore.
Welcome to the new world order.
- Hey, guys.
- We need to talk.
As you know, even though she refuses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone including her mother about the engagement, Emma and I are, in fact, getting married.
Ken convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified.
What can I say? I'm a traditionalist.
We're going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach.
And you want me to come? No, no, no, no.
I picked Hawaii, because it's far away from everybody we know.
- Oh.
- Uh, the thing is is that after a very brief, private ceremony Ken has decided he would like to have a first dance.
The problem is, we can't decide on the song.
I would like to have "I Could've Danced All Night.
" Oh, from My Fair Lady.
Great choice.
Such a romantic song.
Yeah, if you're making a mixed tape for the boring parade.
I want the "Thong Song.
" I need something I can shake my moneymaker to.
Um Uh, I was remembering, um, that you did those, uh - mash-up things with the Glee kids, right? - Uh-huh.
So I thought maybe you could find a way to use both of our songs.
Um, and I well, we both need want need dance lessons.
Yeah, l-I I mean, I might need a bit of polishing but it's the Emster here you really have to work with.
Had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back.
Had to get all my toenails removed.
So if she steps on my feet during the dance, I might pass out.
We would, uh, be very happy to pay you for your time, Will.
No, I want to give you these lessons as a wedding gift.
Sound good? - Hmm! - Great.
This is a disaster.
Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn.
- The Slushee war has commenced.
- And if Finn and Quinn got nailed, none of us are safe.
Okay, guys.
We're a little behind for sectionals thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour.
But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up.
Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups.
Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together.
But the big difference between them is what makes them great.
Like chocolate and bacon.
Or Glee Club and football.
But you've proven that it is a great combination.
So here is My personal favorite song.
Here is My personal favorite song.
And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.
- "Bust a Move"? - Yeah, this song is old school.
- All right.
Um, Artie.
- Yeah? Try to follow along on the bass.
Finn, take us through it.
Uh, I'm sorry, Mr.
I got corn syrup in my eye.
Uh, Puck.
How about it? I don't really groove on Young MC.
I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now.
It's okay, Rachel.
I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done.
Bust it! #This here's a tale for all the fellas # #Tryin' to do what those ladies tell us # #Get shot down 'cause you're overzealous # # Play hard to get Females get jealous # #Okay, smarty, go to a party Girls are scantily clad and showin' body# #Achick walks by and you wish you could sex her # # But you're standin' on the wall like you was Poindexter # # Movie's showin' So you're goin' # #Could care less about the five you're blowin'# #Theater gets dark just to start the show # #Then you spot a fine woman sittin'in your row # #She's dressed in yellow She says hello # #Come sit next to me you fine fellow # #You run over there without a second to lose # #And what comes next Hey, bust a move # # Hey, you want it # #You got it # #Hey, you want it Baby, you got it # - #Just bust a move # - # Mmm, you want it # #You got it, uh # # Hey, you want it Baby, you got it # #Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry # # In five days from now he's gonna marry # # He's hopin' you can make it there if you can # #'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man # #You say "neato" Check your libido # #And roll to the church in your new tuxedo # #The bride walks down just to start the wedding # #And there's one more girl you won't be getting # #So you start thinkin' then you start blinkin'# #Abridemaid looks and thinks that you're winkin' # #She thinks you're kinda cute so she winks back # #And now you're feelin' really fine 'cause the girl is stacked # # Reception's jumpin' Bass is pumpin' # # Look at the girl and your heart starts thumpin' # #Says she wants to dance to a different groove # # Now you know what to do, "G" Bust a move # #Hey, you want it # #You got it, uh # #Ah, you want it Baby, you got it # - #Just bust a move # - # Mmm, you want it # #You got it, uh # # Hey, you want it Baby, you got it # #Move it, boy # # Uh-huh Yeah # # Uh-huh Hey, yeah # - #Just bust a move # - #Y eah # So, how can I, uh how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or I can't believe we're saying this but we need some advice on how to be cool.
Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas about what cool people do from watching them over the years.
Not that you were never cool yourself.
Yeah Eh Well Um But, um, you're two of the most popular kids in school.
We were until we joined Glee Club.
That's why he got a Slushee facial.
I'm sure of it.
I see.
Um, don't really have any pamphlets on how to be popular.
Uh, okay, right.
Well, let's talk about this.
Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun.
Status is like currency.
When your bank account is full you can get away with doing just about anything.
But right now, we're like toxic assets.
When my mom applied to college she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity.
And she got into Arizona State.
Sunglasses are so sexy.
Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool.
I'm always seeing celebrities wear them in magazines, even at night.
Doesn't need to be day.
Very popular.
Gives you a sense of mystery.
You know rappers.
- You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power.
- Mmm! I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea.
It Em No.
Um, no.
Kids, look.
The most important thing is that you be yourselves.
Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em.
This is my Cousin Betty's.
We were obsessed with Princess Di's dress when we were little girls so, um, when she got married she insisted on having this, uh this long train.
Is there a reason you have it on now? - Yes, yes.
- Okay.
Um, she didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train.
- It was really bad.
Their fight was epic.
- Ooh.
The priest cried.
They were divorced three months later.
Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it.
No, no, no, no, no! It's all good.
It's all good.
We'll, uh We'll see how you move in it.
- Right? - Okay.
Um, so first, uh, let's do Ken's selection and then, uh, we'll work in your song for the big finish.
- Okay.
- All right? Hey, Emma I'm really excited about this.
It's so, so exciting.
This thing right here is lettin' all the ladies know what guys talk about.
You know the finer things in life.
Check it out.
#Ooh, that dress so scandalous And you know another guy couldn't handle it # #She's shakin' that thing like who's the ish # #With a look in your eye So devilish, uh # #She like to dance at the hip-hop spots # #And she cruise to the crews like connect the dots # # Not just urban, she like the pop 'cause she was "Livin' La Vida Loca" # #She had dumps like a truck Truck, truck # #Thighs like what What, what # # Baby, move your butt Butt, butt, uh # # I think I'll sing it again # #She had dumps like a truck Truck, truck # #Thighs like what What, what # #All night long # # Let me see that thong # # Baby # #That th-th-th-th-thong # # I like it when the beat go # # Baby, make your booty go # - Good God! - Are you okay? - I'm okay.
Are you? - Oh, yes! Oh, ho! Oh.
It's the darn "Thong Song.
" I don't think it's the song.
I think you need a new dress.
Come on.
I'll pick you up.
- Right.
- Upsy-daisy.
Oh, I'm stuck.
All right.
Let's try, uh, reverse chair on two.
Let's not.
Hey, Azimio, I'm the quarterback.
I call the plays.
Some of the guys was talkin', and we're starting to question your leadership ability.
Yeah, like maybe you're having trouble making good choices as in, for instance, choosing to join homo explosion.
Do I need to remind you that Glee Club helped us win our first game of the season? What have you done for me lately? Yeah, we're taking a bunch of heat, because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden.
You're not being a team player, man.
Can't believe you was man enough to knock up Quinn Fabray.
You sure a real man didn't sneak in there and do it for you? That's it! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! - Okay, break it up! Get up! - Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! - Man, get off me! - Hey, calm down, everybody! On the sidelines and take a knee! Now! What if you had broken Finn's arm, huh? We'd be worse off and more pathetic than we already are.
Where's Puckerman? Uh, he said he had to miss practice today.
He's working on something for Glee Club.
Is he workin'on his coming-out-of-the-closet speech or somethin'? - Hey, man! Don't push me, man! - Okay, enough! Football is war.
And no one single man can win that war, not even if they strap nukes on him.
I want you to start acting like a team again! When we won that one game, it wasn't because we were dancing.
It's because we were of singular purpose.
I want you to start hanging more, spend more time together.
Which is why, starting next week I'm adding extra practice on Thursdays at 3:30.
- But, Coach, that's when Glee rehearses.
- You know what? I have had it up to here with Schuester and Glee.
Here's the story, Quarterback.
And you tell Puckerman this when you see him.
That practice is mandatory.
No exceptions.
So you're going to have to choose what's more important to you football or Glee Club.
#W hat a girl wants, what a girl needs # #Whatever makes me happy Sets you free # #And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly # #What a girl wants What a girl needs # #Whatever keeps me in your arms # - #A nd I'm thanking you # - I know this looks weird.
- #For giving it to me ## - But wait until you see what happens next.
- My ears are starting to hurt.
Can we take a break? - Okay.
- You wanna make out? - Sure.
I know.
It's whack.
But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester: Only Nixon can go to China.
I have no idea what she meant, but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food and sat down together for our traditional Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List.
That's really when all of this started.
It wasn't the most normal tradition but we did it for my mom.
- She said it made her feel connected to herJewish roots.
As she was giving me my sweet-and-sour pork she said something that really hit home.
You're no better than them, Noah.
Why can't you date a Jewish girl? That night, I had the strangest dream.
I knew it was a dream, because there's no way Rachel could've climbed up the wall outside my window with no shoes on.
When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream.
It was a message from God.
Rachel was a hotJew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.
I picked it up for you when I was buying dip.
It's grape.
I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off.
Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to work together on some mash-up ideas.
Things happened pretty fast from that point.
Getting her to make out with me was easier than I thought.
Guess she's kind of desperate.
- You okay, baby? - I can't do this.
Why? We're a couple of good-lookin'Jews.
It's natural.
L-I can't give myself to someone who isn't brave enough to sing a solo.
If you don't have the guts to do that, then how are you gonna be bold enough to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high-maintenance girl like me? Are you questioning my badassness? - Have you seen my guns? - Noah, I'm sorry, but Your arms are lovely, but I just don't see us working out.
So any ideas for the mash-up? - Anybody? - No.
Oh, come on, guys! - It's like you're daring me to start dancing.
- Oh, no! - I've been working on something.
- Oh, yeah? It's my personal tribute to a musicalJewish icon.
Uh, fantastic.
Let's hear it.
#Where it began # # I can't begin to know when # # But then I know it's growin' strong # #Was in the spring # #And spring became summer# #Who'd have believed you'd come along # # Hands # #Touching hands # # Reachin' out # #Touching me # #Touching you # #W hoa, sweet Caroline # #Good times never seemed so good # #I've been inclined # #To believe they never would # #Oh, sweet Caroline # #Good times never seemed so good # #Oh, I've been inclined # #To believe it never would # #Oh, no, no # - Puckerman! - Yeah! Huh! You know, I really think this is working.
I think we look supercool.
I'm proud of you, Finn.
I'm proud of us.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular.
It just means you want people to like you.
I think that's healthy.
- I totally agree.
- Being popular just means you can have it all.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- You thirsty? Sure.
- You can't do this! - Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude.
Don't forget that.
I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage.
" Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds.
" Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets.
I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage.
Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.
So "woof" on Prop 15, Ohio.
And that's how Sue sees it.
- Oh, Rod.
- Boffo, Sue.
And we'll be right back after this.
You still smell like scotch, Rod.
You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity.
Most women find me intimidating.
The teeth, the hair It's a lot to take in, and I know it.
I need a gal with a little backbone.
And I think you just might be that gal.
Don't you have a wife, Rod? She drowned.
So now I've got the condo all to myself.
Maybe we could go out sometime, have a little fondue.
Bread, cheese Oh, fantastic.
I'll call you.
Sue Whoo! That was amazing.
Oh! You know, I have to admit At first when you suggested that I teach you a few steps I was hesitant.
You know, 'cause how horrible you were to me and the Glee kids when Figgins made you codirector.
Well, live and let learn, my friend.
That is ultimately what I got to.
It's nice not being at each other's throats.
You know, you're right.
I Oh, gosh.
I don't know how else to say this, but I'm in love.
- Really? - After one date, Sue Sylvester is in love.
You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.
You know, Sue, I like to swing.
I could be good with that.
Rod has invited me to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-cell Anemia Dance-a-thon.
- Ooh.
- And with your tutelage, Will we can take home that blue ribbon like two prize heifers in love.
I was wondering why you asked for dance lessons.
Oh, well, Erma just raved about you.
Sue, I'm I'm actually touched.
I mean, you seem so happy and nice.
And you've been so cool with Quinn Fabray and her, you know, situation.
Mmm, yeah, well, she's just a confused kid and the least I can offer her is my compassion.
But, you, mister - Aw - The Sue Sylvester who has been obsessed with sabotaging your every move is now just a distant memory.
- That's great, Sue.
- Now all I feel for you is sympathy.
Whether it be for your sham of a marriage or the fact that Coach Tanaka's finally laying down the law with regard to Glee Club.
What? Yeah.
Tanaka-san's making the kids choose.
Come on.
Let's be honest.
What kid's gonna choose Glee Club over football? It'd be ridiculous.
Hey, Ken, you wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on? You know I had a standing Glee rehearsal on Thursday.
We sat down and worked out a schedule when some of your guys joined the club.
Circumstances have changed.
I have a serious morale issue with my team.
It's my responsibility to fix it.
Sorry if me doing my job interferes with your club.
Ken, we've known each other for years.
Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants.
You know, let's get into what this is really about.
You're upset that I don't like your song for your wedding mash-up.
And you're right.
It's not my place to have an opinion.
Why don't you just cut the crap, Will? You're not that naive.
This is not about a song.
It's about my fiancée.
You and I, the whole world, knows that I'm just a consolation prize to you.
How do you think that makes me feel? Emma's totally into you.
Emma is settling for me.
And I love her so much, I don't care.
But it doesn't mean I appreciate you comin' in with your Gene Kelly charm and gettin' high off of her fawning over you.
L-I have never intentionally encouraged Emma.
But I haven't discouraged her either.
You don't have to worry about it anymore though.
So, are we cool? And I'll have my guys on Thursday again? 3:30? So you keep your rehearsal.
I'll keep my practice.
We'll let the kids decide who's first choice and who's a consolation prize.
making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories.
Totally interesting.
You know, you never told me what you thought of my mash-up solo.
You're still missing the elusive high "B.
" That's a brass ring for a baritenor.
I had to work on it for weeks with Finn before he got it.
You're a great performer, Noah.
I just wanna say how proud I am to have you on my arm in front of the whole high school.
You're pretty good at this.
I've had a lot of practice.
You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn.
Your head is shaved.
I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.
It's okay.
No, it isn't.
No one deserves this feeling.
You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes or the way the Slushee drips all the way into your underpants.
It's the humiliation.
I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.
Rachel I'm sorry, but today when the clock chimes 3:30 You're choosing football over Glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore.
Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew.
Are you ready yet? We've only got an hour for lunch, Emma.
It's not like trying on a pair ofjeans, Will.
Well, it doesn't have to be perfect.
Wejust have to see if you can dance in it.
Fits okay? Yeah.
Fits great.
Yeah, terrific.
Uh, so, should we see if you can dance in it? Okay.
This is the instrumental version of your wedding song.
You can sing along if you want to.
It'll help your footwork.
# I could have danced all night # #I could have danced all night # #And still have begged for more # # I could have spread my wings # #And done a thousand things # #I've never done before # # I'll never know what made it so exciting # #Why all at once my heart took flight # # I only know when he # # Began to dance with me # # I could have danced danced, danced # #All night # Yeah, you can dance in it.
So, I gotta get goin'.
Um Got the big showdown today at 3:30.
and, uh I wanna make sure I'm there to support the kids, no matter what happens.
Wait, what showdown? I thought I thought you and Sue had that last week.
Eh Between me and your fiancé.
Uh, Ken's told all the football players in Glee that they have to choose between the club and the team.
And unless all the guys choose Glee it looks like we won't have enough members for sectionals.
- Then Glee is over.
- I know.
Well, wish me luck.
Hey, guys.
I guess they're not coming.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I can't believe this.
I thought they were our friends.
How can they just abandon us? Hi.
I'm glad you made it.
You scared me.
Good to see you, huh? Are you sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day.
Bring it.
Where's Finn? - Hey, fella.
- Hey, man.
- You made the right decision.
- What's up, dude? Okay, let's huddle up.
Do it.
I really don't want to, honestly.
I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face.
But you've been getting so much pressure from the gorillas on the football team.
I guess they didn't appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee.
Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers.
You are not gonna Slushee on my man Kurt.
Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice.
He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
No, that's not true.
It's just that if I don't do it the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me.
Well, we can't have that, can we? - What are you doin'? - It's called taking one for the team.
Now get out of here.
And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you.
Someone get me to a day-spa stat! - Ooh, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh.
Uh, you aren't scheduled to tape another "Sue's Corner" until tomorrow night.
I came by special to show you my zoot suit.
I had it made for our dance competition.
But, uh, only the men wear those.
- Further embarrassed.
- You're taking her? - Not now, Andrea.
- He took me last year.
We came in third.
You didn't think that we were exclusive, did you? It's the only way I do it, Rod.
I can't be caged in, Sue.
That's why I got my tiger tattoo.
Heck, even my wife understood that.
Are we still on for Saturday night? No.
Hut! - You miss it? - Hell, no.
Set, hut! I hope you didn't choose Glee over football because of me.
Why? Because I don't think this relationship is gonna work out.
It's cool.
I was gonna break up with you anyway.
- No, you weren't.
- Yes, I was.
You won't even let me touch your boobs.
It's Finn, right? He's never gonna leave Quinn.
Not with that baby in her belly.
You like her, don't you? I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn.
Is that why you joined Glee? To be closer to her? Like I said, they're never breaking up.
God, what's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense.
Why don't girls like me? Because you're kind of a jerk.
No offense.
I just think you want it too much which is something I can relate to.
I want everything too much.
Our relationship was built on a fantasy.
Like every other one in my life.
I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous.
- I just hope we can still be friends.
- We weren't friends before.
Hey, Finn, wanna have a catch? - Sure.
- Go long.
I'm not comin' back.
These are the moments, Finn.
They're the crossroads.
They're the ones you look back at when you get old and think "what if?" I don't buy that.
I don't think any one decision makes your life unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or somethin'.
You're right.
Life's a series of choices.
Big combination of moments little ones that add up to big ones that create who you are.
You're lettin' other people make those choices for you, Finn.
You're letting them decide who you're gonna be.
People you're not even gonna know in three years.
People whose names you're gonna forget when you run into them in the hardware store.
You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
Yes, I do.
Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me.
Come back to Glee, Finn.
It's where you belong.
Hey, Coach.
Can I talk to you about somethin'? - You got an itch down there or somethin'? - What? No.
Uh - I'm the quarterback, right? The leader.
- Sure.
Well, all this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football is making it hard for me to lead.
Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't.
Right? Like they can imagine a future where things are better.
Like Thomas Jefferson or that kid from the Terminator movies.
I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club.
Where you can play football and sing and dance and no one gets down on you for it.
Where the more different you are the better.
I guess what I'm tryin' to say is I don't wanna have to choose between them anymore.
It's not cool.
Hey, about that Thursday practice.
It's, uh, canceled indefinitely.
I got stuff I gotta do that time.
Laundry, things like that.
Tell Puckerman and the other guys too, will you? Sure.
Thanks, Coach.
Schuester! - Yeah.
- I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all.
I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5:00 p.
And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat.
I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat.
And then on some dark, cold night I will steal a way into your home and punch you in the face.
- Hey, Sue.
- What? - Didn't work out with Rod? - No, it did not.
Q, take off those sunglasses.
I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business.
You're off the Cheerios.
I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad.
You're a disgrace.
I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up.
I've been workin' really hard on it and I just can't get those two songs to go together.
That's because they don't.
We both know that.
They're both good songs though.
Great ones.
Will, um, I just wanted to say, uh Thank you for the dance lessons.
So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys? Thanks for the Slushees, Finn.
They're delicious.
And loaded with empty calories.
You know why they call them Slushees? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To Mr.
You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination.
Schue, I am sorry to report that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week.
Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for "Bust a Move.
" And I personally feel like a failure.
Well, that's okay, guys.
Because I feel like the lesson landed.
And that's what's important.
And we are glad to have you back, Finn.
- You okay, Quinn? - Do I look okay? I'm devastated.
Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a Slushee facial.
That's okay if that happens, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here - who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off.
- Yeah.
Whoo! That's right, girl.
Mmm, brain freeze.
I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these.
You've never been hit by a Slushee before, Mr.
Schue? Um All right, guys.
We're a team.
Bring it on.
Gimme your best shot.
One, two, three.
All right.
From the top.

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