Glee s02e03 Episode Script

Grilled Cheesus

Here's what you missed on Glee.
Artie made the football team, which is crazy.
Finn's not the quarterback anymore.
This new kid Sam is.
Kurt's dad and Finn's mom are dating and are really happy together, which makes Finn and Kurt sort of like brothers.
They sure yell at each other like brothers.
Why is it so hard for you to understand? Sue has a sister, Jean, who she doesn't yell at, at all- - I will always love you.
- Which makes her the only person Sue doesn't yell at.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
It all started a week ago.
I was super hungry, but my mom was gone so I busted out the George Foreman.
It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy.
And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God- Literally.
I had made a grilled "Cheesus.
" - I'm so hungry.
- I'm not the most religious guy- I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco- but this was different so I decided to see what it felt like to, you know, pray.
Dear Grilled Cheesus first of all, you're super delicious.
Please, Grilled Cheesus- please let us win our first football game.
It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him.
I mean, you did sort of screw him in the leg department.
And in return, Cheesy Lord I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.
Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, that's my boy.
You forgot your breakfast.
Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
- What is this? - It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla half a grapefruit and a green drink.
- Where's my usual breakfast? - A Coke and two Slim Jims? - Yeah.
Breakfast of champions.
- Dad, you are not a kid anymore.
You have to start taking care of yourself.
I guess with enough hot sauce, this will be all right.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week.
Carole and Finn are coming over and she has to work the night shift.
I can't do this Friday.
Uh, sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale Theater.
It's a once-a-year event.
Last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Season six, Dad.
Those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family- one your mom started.
I know, but I'm a teenager.
Friday nights are kind of important to me.
Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.
Those dinners are more than important.
They're sacred.
The whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.
Sing-along Sound of Music is sacred to me.
What, you think I don't know that? Wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? - The point is- - Enough with the bonnet.
If you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners then you got nothing to hold onto.
Okay, let's face it, Kurt- If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out.
If we don't hang out, then our lives just go right by each other.
And we don't share very much.
I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner.
Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.
I got to tell you, Kurt.
I'm real disappointed in you.
Schue? I have something to say.
Something happened to me and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core.
- Oh, my God, he's coming out.
- Why, yes.
There is a man who's sort of recently come into my life and that man is Jesus Christ.
That's way worse.
And I know there's others in here who dig him too.
And so I thought maybe this week we could pay tribute to him in music.
You know, pay tribute to Jesus.
Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church.
And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people.
Or women.
Or science.
I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.
I agree.
I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help.
I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby? Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about Jesus.
We could do songs about spirituality.
- You got a problem with Jesus? - Oh, I got no problem with the guy.
I'm a total Jew for Jesus.
He's my number one Hebe.
What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everybody else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality- or whatever you want to call it- is about enjoying the life that you've been given.
- I see God every time I make out with a new chick.
- Okay, okay.
That doesn't make any sense.
In fact, it's stupid.
Are you calling Mr.
Billy Joel stupid? At this time I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists.
- Hit it.
- Hit it.
# Come on, Virginia, don't let me wait # # You Catholic girls start much too late # # Oh, but sooner or later It comes down to fate # # I might as well be the one # # Well, they showed you a statue Told you to pray # # They built you a temple and locked you away # # Oh, but they never told you the price that you pay # # For things that you might have done # # Only the good die young # # Whoa-oh, whoa-oh Whoa, whoa, oh # # You got a nice white dress # # And a party on your confirmation # # You got a brand-new soul # # Mmm, and a cross of gold # # Come on, come on Come on Virginia, don't let me wait # # You Catholic girls start much too late # # Sooner or later it comes down to fate # # I might as well be the one # # You know that only the good die young # # Tell ya, baby ## Ow! Well, according to this, I've still got two left but let me check, 'cause I don't trust the guy who does my inventory.
- Who's that? - Me.
Oh, geez.
Hey, you okay, man? Yeah.
Just a little indigestion, you know? Don't buy salami at the gas station.
Kurt? Can we talk to you outside? Where is he? Is he dead? No, he's alive, but I'm sorry.
I don't have any other good news.
- I want to see him.
- He hasn't regained consciousness.
- I thought he had a heart attack.
- Brought on by an arrhythmia which caused a lack of blood to his brain.
That's what made him lose consciousness, and what's keeping him comatose.
We have him on Lidocaine, but there's no guarantees they're going to work or what kind of damage was done to his brain by the lack of oxygen.
I don't understand what you're saying.
- When is he gonna wake up? - I don't know.
Okay, just- Just take us to him now, please.
I need a minute.
I don't think you should be alone, Kurt.
Please just give me a moment alone with my father.
We'll be right outside.
Dad? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand.
I'm holding yours right now.
Just squeeze back.
Come on, Dad.
Just squeeze my hand.
What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something.
I didn't go to Sunday school, so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing.
Dating Rachel is great but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy.
Anyway, her boobs aren't that great but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them.
So, Cheesus considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers.
Hey, Kurt.
We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
Thanks, Santana.
I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor.
I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
What the hell happened? - My dad's in the hospital.
- I know.
My mom just called me.
- I feel like I'm the last one to know.
- I'm sorry, Finn.
It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.
Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has but I thought we were sort of a family.
Look, I guess I just- I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.
Hey, guys.
Our thoughts are all with Kurt and I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else- Mr.
Schue? - Yeah? - I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it.
This song is about being in a very dark place and turning to God.
It's a spiritual song, Mr.
Is that okay? It's fine.
Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please? # As I lay me down # # Heaven, hear me now # # I'm lost without a cause # # After giving it my all # # Winter storms have come # # And darkened my sun # # After all that I've been through # # Who on earth can I turn to # # I look to you # # I look to you # # After all my strength is gone # # In you I can be strong # # I look to you # # I look to you, oh # # And when melodies are gone, yeah # # In you I hear a song # # I look to you # # Ooh # # I look to you ## Thank you, Mercedes.
Your voice is stunning, but I don't believe in God.
Wait, what? You've all professed your beliefs.
I'm just stating mine.
I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults.
Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay, and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose as if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life.
And right now I don't want a heavenly father.
I want my real one back.
But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.
You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it? Is God an evil dwarf? We shouldn't be talking like this.
It's not right.
I'm sorry, Quinn.
But you all can believe whatever you want to.
But I can't believe something I don't.
I appreciate your thoughts but I don't want your prayers.
- - [Will.]
How did you even find out about the lesson? I have cameras everywhere, William.
I'm giving a lesson on spirituality.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
The big deal is that this is a public school and there's this little thing called separation of church and state which happens to be the pillar of a functioning civil society.
But, Sue, children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose.
At the BET Awards, but not in a public school.
Sue, I'm trying to help these kids.
Kurt is struggling with some really tough issues.
Well, William, if your kids want to praise Jesus in class I suggest they enroll at Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street, but not here.
This country is not a monarchy, William.
Trust me.
I've tried.
And as much as I enjoy giving impromptu civics lessons I got work to do.
Finn, please- sit.
You're upset about Kurt's dad too? Yes.
But more importantly let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me.
I want this relationship to go the distance but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
You don't think you're gonna have sex till you're 25? I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith.
Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once.
I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Of course.
Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and- and wear those hats and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.
- Let's lay down on the bed.
- Okay.
- Finn? - Yeah? I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.
I need to know what's going on with that Glee Club.
Brittany, Jugs the Clown, go.
Mostly just everyone's really sad for Kurt, and no one really knows how to help.
I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much.
" Schuester still pushing the Lil Jeezy? I guess so- Although I don't really see what the big deal is.
But Kurt's definitely not into it.
How's your father? They say his condition is critical but stable.
Good news, I guess.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, lady.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
And I guess I don't have to.
I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something.
I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual but I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
So you want me to be your scapegoat? Mm-mmm.
You don't understand.
I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun.
I admit it- It aids digestion.
But I'm not joking here.
I want to be your champion.
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I'm sorry, Madam Secretary, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Love to Bill.
There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father.
How could you get in the way, when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant.
Have a seat.
Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero.
My big sister.
You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me.
And while I was still very young I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did.
People were rude to her.
They were cruel.
They laughed at her.
And so I began to pray.
I prayed every night for her to get better.
And nothing changed.
So I prayed harder.
And after a while I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough.
It's that no one was listening.
Asking someone to believe in a fantasy however comforting isn't a moral thing to do.
- It's cruel.
- Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant? It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God and if they don't accept it no matter how openhearted or honest their dissent they're going to hell.
Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it? Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine but please keep it to yourself.
So long as you do the same.
That kid could lose his father at any moment.
You should start preparing him for that.
Now get the hell out of my office.
I realize you're only half orangutan but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.
Last week we were too sexy.
This week we're too religious.
- We can't win.
- Now I know what Miley feels like.
The real tragedy here is that I found the most perfect spiritual song to sing this week and now it's been torn away from me like Sophie's daughter.
Guys, you can still sing whatever songs you like that sum up your feelings about God, about spirit.
You just can't do it on school time.
- I hope you're happy, Kurt.
- Having the week of my life, actually.
Guys, back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.
Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.
It's doing me some good.
Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.
Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule.
You've given me everything I've prayed for and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome.
Anyway, I need another favor, so, Cheesus I pray that I'm made quarterback again.
Sam's a good dude- I just think that I can deliver your message to the world more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
So I pray before I eat now.
What's the big deal? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you? No.
It's cool.
To tell you the truth, I actually went to temple with my nana yesterday.
I know it makes me a wuss, but I'm bummed about Kurt's dad.
I've kind of been praying for him.
I know how hard it is not to have a father, you know? What do you pray for? Yeah.
Same stuff.
You burned your grilled cheese.
Ow! Why are we in the park? 'Cause I don't want anything coming between us and God and because Yentl was outside when she sang this song in the movie.
I just hope that God hears this song as a prayer for Burt Hummel and decides to bring him back to us.
# God # Our heavenly father.
# Oh, God # And my father who is also in Heaven.
# May the light # # Of this flickering candle # # Illuminate the night # # The way your spirit # # Illuminates # # My soul # # Papa # # Can you hear me # # Papa # # Can you see me # # Papa, can you hear me in the night # # Papa, are you near me # # Papa, can you hear me # # Papa, can you help me not be frightened # # Looking at the skies # # I seem to see a million eyes # # Which ones are yours # # Where are you now that yesterday # # Has come and gone and closed its doors # # The night is so much darker # # The wind is so much colder # # The world I see is so much bigger # # Now that I'm alone # # Papa, please forgive me # # Try to understand me # # Papa, don't you know I had no choice # # Can you hear me praying # # Anything I'm saying # # Even though the night is filled with voices # # I remember everything you taught me # # Every book I've ever read # # Can all the words in all the books # # Help me to face what lies ahead # # The trees are so much taller # # And I feel so much smaller # # The moon is twice as lonely # # And the stars are half as bright # # Papa, how I love you # # Papa, how I need you # # Papa, how I miss you # # Kissing me # # Good night # - Who's next? - What's going on in here? We-We were just praying for your dad.
Rachel, Quinn and I are taking turns.
We're from different denominations and religions so we figured one of us is bound to be right.
I didn't ask you to do this.
Honey, I know you're upset about what's happening.
I get it.
But friends help out, even when you don't ask.
Kurt Hummel? Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim? I'm not Muslim.
I'm a Sikh.
She's gonna see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad's brain.
Amazingly, needles pierce the skin better than psalms.
Can you all please leave now? We just wanted to do something.
- Red 42 on three.
- Break! - Wait.
That cornerback's been cheating right all night.
We should naked bootleg left.
That ogre linebacker's on the left.
He's been killing me all game.
Dude, trust me.
I'm the only guy who's ever actually won a game on this field.
Okay, naked bootleg left.
I keep on three.
- All right, you ready? - Break! That's not what I called.
Yeah! Hike.
- Huh.
- Is he okay? - His shoulder's dislocated.
- This is what happens when you change my plays in the huddle.
- [Boy.]
I don't understand.
- That guy came out of nowhere.
- [Boy #2.]
I know.
That kid's been cheating right all night.
No reason for him to be there.
It's just bad luck.
- We need to get him to the E.
- Okay, let's go.
It's in your hands now, Lurch.
You're the quarterback again.
I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family.
Let's hear it for Finn, on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season.
Too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother.
- Mr.
Schue, if I may? - Yeah.
Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad but for your information, his condition remains the same.
I need to express myself so with your permission, Mr.
Schue I've prepared a number for the occasion.
Of course, Kurt.
On the day of my mom's funeral when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying.
I mean, that was it.
It was the last time I was ever going to see her and I remember I looked up at my dad and I- I just wanted him to say something- just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over.
And he just took my hand and squeezed it and just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me- That was enough.
This is for my dad.
# Yeah, I'll # # Tell you something # # I think you'll understand # # When I # # Say that something # # I wanna hold your hand # # I wanna hold your hand # # I wanna hold your hand # # Oh, please # # Say to me # # You'll let me be your man # # And please # # Say to me # # You'll let me hold your hand # # Now, let me hold your hand # # I wanna hold your hand # # And when I touch you # # I feel happy # # Inside # # It's such a feeling # # That my love # # I can't hide # # I can't hide # # I can't hide # # Yeah, you # # Got that something # # I wanna hold your hand # # I wanna hold your hand # # I wanna hold your hand # # I wanna hold # # Your hand ## Kurt, can I talk to you for a second? I know you're going through a really scary time right now but I feel like I don't know how to be around you anymore and I know you're not really spiritual or whatever but I feel like you're closing yourself to a world of experiences that might surprise you.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be pushing my friends away especially friends as fabulous as you.
Do me a favor.
One thing? Come to church with me this Sunday.
Our church does this thing where we dedicate the service to someone and I got them to dedicate this Sunday to your dad.
- I don't know.
- You get to wear a fabulous hat.
Mercedes, you had me at "fabulous hat.
" Come on, let's go to class.
I have to confess something.
I'm the reason Sam got hurt.
I asked for three things to happen- One, for us to win our first football game two, to get to second base with Rachel and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again.
All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.
- Where to start? - No, no.
I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't.
Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich and it has special powers, I'm telling you.
- But I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
- Okay, let's just- Let's take a second.
Okay? Um- Look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails.
And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs.
- Rachel did.
- Just the sides of them.
But wait.
Why would she do that? What were you doing right before you were touching them? What? - I remember yawning.
- Yawning.
Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.
Oh! Yes, well, there you go, That's it.
Girls like that.
She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching.
Uh, more importantly you didn't hurt Sam.
It was a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23.
God works in all kinds of mysterious ways but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches.
You look disappointed.
I am.
It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God.
Now I just feel like everybody else- You know, like we're all just floating around in space.
- I don't like that.
- You're not alone.
The big questions are really big for a reason- They're hard.
But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.
# Oh, life # # Is bigger # # It's bigger than you # # And you are not me # # The lengths that I will go to # # The distance in your eyes # # I've said enough # # That's me in the corner # # That's me in the spotlight # # Losing my religion # # Trying to keep up with you # # And I don't know if I can do it # # Oh, no, I've said too much # # I haven't said enough # # I thought that I heard you laughing # # I thought that I heard you sing # # I think I thought I saw you try # # But that was just a dream # # Just a dream, just a dream # # Dream # I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion.
Evidently, we can't sing about faith but we can sing about losing faith.
That's sort of what I want to talk about today.
Earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently.
I used to think God was up there looking over me.
Now I'm not so sure.
I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best.
It's so Christ chic.
I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long.
My Sikh is coming again today at 2:00 to do more acupuncture on my dad.
Is it working? Not yet.
Nothing is.
I have to go be with my choir.
Wait, don't- Don't- - Hi, church.
- Hi.
I have a favor to ask you guys.
My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital and it's pretty bad.
And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles but if we could just put them aside and focus all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel and to my friend Kurt.
I know you don't believe in God.
You don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay.
To each his own.
But you've got to believe in something- something more than you can touch, taste or see- 'cause life is too hard to go through it alone without something to hold onto and without something that's sacred.
Anyway, Kurt, this song is for you.
# Don't trouble the water # # Give it up Why don't you # - # Whoa, whoa, yeah # - # Whoa, yeah # # When you're down and out # # When you're in the street # # When evenin' falls so hard # # I will comfort you # - # I'll take your part # - # Ooh, ooh # # Yeah # - # Whoa, when darkness comes # - # Ooh, ooh, ooh # # And there's no one # # No one you love around # # Just like a bridge over troubled waters # # I will lay me down # # Like a bridge # # Like a bridge over troubled water # # I will lay me down # # Don't trouble the water # # Yeah, yeah # - # Give it up # - # Give it up, yeah # # Why don't you let it be # # Let it, let it, let it Let it, let it, let it # # Let it be, yeah # # Yeah, still # - # Waters run deep # - # Hey, hey # - # Don't trouble the water # - # Trouble # # I'll be there when you need a friend # # To lay me down # # I'll be your bridge over troubled water # - # Hey, hey, yeah # - # Still waters run deep # - # Yes, they do # - # Yes, they do # - # Don't trouble the water # - # Trouble the water ## - No, this one, baby.
- Oh, this one.
Boom, boom.
I won.
- Sue, you're letting me win.
- No, I swear it.
I'm not.
You're letting me win, Sue.
You're letting me win.
Do you believe in God, Jeannie? Do you? - No, I don't.
- Why not? Because when we were little girls you were perfect in my eyes.
And I watched the world be cruel to you, so- God never makes mistakes.
That's what I believe.
You want me to pray for you, Sue? Yeah.
That would be nice.
I win.
No, I cheated.
I can't do that.
- You never could dress yourself.
Mercedes took me to church on Sunday.
It's funny, but when the choir was singing this memory flashed into my head.
Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after Mom died? You tried to make a chicken.
I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal.
You put it on the table and you cut into it, and it was raw.
And we both looked at each other for a second and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet.
I'm sorry about the other day, Dad.
I should have let those guys pray for you.
It wasn't about me.
It was about you, and it was nice.
I don't believe in God, Dad but I believe in you and I believe in us.
You and me- That's what's sacred to me.
And I'm- I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that.
Dad? Nurse Nancy.
Dad, I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere.
# If God had a name what it would it be # # And would you call it to his face # # If you were faced with him in all his glory # # What would you ask if you had just one question # # And yeah, yeah # # God is great # # Yeah, yeah # # God is good # # Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah # - # Oh # - # What if God was one of us # # What if God was one of us # # Oh, just a slob like one of us # # Just a slob like one of us # # Just a stranger on the bus # # Trying to make his way home # # Just trying to make his way home # # Just trying to make his way home # Kids really wanted to do this song, Sue, so I let 'em.
- # Nobody calling on the phone # - You gonna get me fired? - Report me? - # Except for the Pope, maybe, in Rome ## No.

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