Glee s02e14 Episode Script

Blame It on the Alcohol

Here's what you missed.
Quinn was dating Sam.
Then she kissed Finn.
Santana told Sam.
- Now they've started dating.
- Biebalicious.
Will's not dating anyone and says he's over Emma but it seems like he's still got a thing for her even though she's married.
Kurt's really into Blaine and Blaine likes Kurt but he says he just wants to stay friends.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
- You wanted to see me? - William, we have an epidemic on our hands.
- Head lice? - Worse.
Giggle juice.
I'm sorry.
What? Alcohol, William.
The wet devil.
Our children are so brazen they're showing up to school wasted.
And not wasted on learning, Will- wasted on booze.
Why, just this week, we've had five suspensions for intoxication on school grounds.
Figgins! You rock! Yeah, man! Six suspensions.
I don't get it.
Drinking's never been a problem at this school.
That's because there are new alcoholic beverages targeted to kids, Will.
Just listen to the radio.
Pop music now glorifies binge drinking.
Just listen to any hit by pop sensation "Ke-dollar-sign-ha.
" Oh.
You- You mean Ke$ ha? We must do something to protect our children, Will.
I-I totally agree.
How-How can I help? I have decided to make this week Alcohol Awareness Week at McKinley.
I have contacted Kitty Dukakis, who will be the guest speaker at an assembly where your Glee Club will perform a song highlighting the dangers of teenage drinking.
Can I count on you, William? - Emma? - Hi.
Enough with us not being friends.
I heard through the grapevine that you and Carl started looking for a tract house.
I just wanted to say that I'm genuinely happy for you.
Thank you.
That's really sweet.
Do you want to catch up? Yeah.
How have you been? Busy.
Glee Club's gearing up for regionals I, um, love hearing about the Glee Club but I'm actually more interested in you you know, how you're doing.
- Me? - Are you dating anybody? - No.
- No? Maybe you should.
You know, Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid even a human female.
- Treatment? - Alcoholics Anonymous, Will.
I suggest you preemptively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic.
I mean, come on.
Look where you are.
You're coaching a glee club that can only beat choirs of old people.
You're rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances.
And when my glee club crushes you at regionals well, the last ounce of meaning will drain from your life and you will turn to drink.
I don't get it.
How is it you're now coaching a glee club? I was so inspired by my stint in the Glee Club that I took the trip to Westvale and I volunteered my help.
Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Aural Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.
I'm okay.
Don't worry.
Not to be alarmed.
Doctors say he will be fine provided they can get the swelling in his brain under control.
Okay, sorry.
I still don't understand.
How can the school let you coach Aural Intensity? News flash, Imelda.
There's no one lining up to coach glee clubs because it's a sucky job for losers.
But there was an opening, and I am a champion.
Oh, Will.
Here's the book by Bill W outlining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I can't wait for you to start climbing those steps.
'Cause when you get to the top I'm gonna knock you back down.
Whassup, my hot little Jewish-American Princess? What do you want, Puckerman? Word on the street is your dads are out of town and you're alone in your house.
They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise.
Who told you that? This is the kind of information a guy like me tends to know.
So, uh, party this Saturday? I'll bring the beer ball.
That's a minikeg.
Forget it.
Oh, come on.
Just the Glee kids.
We're losing our minds, all stressed about sectionals and stuff.
Besides, you just want a place to have sex and get drunk.
There's a word for that- a party.
My dads, they left me alone in my house because they trusted me to be responsible.
They left you alone 'cause you suck and are a total bore.
- Hey.
- Yo.
- How's the songwriting going? - Hey.
It's going amazing.
I might have a really big hit, which is why I wanted you to come by.
I wanted you to hear it.
Come here.
- What was that for? - To break the tension.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn.
It's silly for us to pretend like we aren't comfortable around each other.
I know that we have some unresolved feelings but, like my two new role models Carole King and Gerry Goff in I think it's important that we just put them aside and stay focused on our mission which is just to write an amazing song to win regionals with.
Well, I have no idea who those people are.
But I'm on board.
Let's hear it.
It's just- It's a little rough.
But, uh, I think it's really special.
# There you rest # # With all the rest # # Of my accessories on my nightstand # # You're red or yellow # # And like a good fellow # # Sometimes you get lost in my mess # # But when schoolgirl pigtails won't do # # And I need to control my do # # You're the only one I can count on # # My headband # # You're my headband # # Wrapped right around my melon # - # You're a product like Magellan-## - Uh.
Hold- Hold on.
Hold on.
Is this song about your headband? - Yes.
It's called "My Headband.
" - Right.
They say you should write about what you know.
Well, uh, it's really interesting but it's not emotional or, like, good.
- It sucks.
- Yeah.
How am I supposed to write a song like Joni Mitchell or Carole King? - They've lived.
- Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them you should do a little living.
You're so right.
I mean, even now, it-it- it's Alcohol Awareness Week and we're supposed to sing songs about the dangers of drinking and I've never even had a drink.
Seriously? That's why I never got past second base.
- Wait.
Where are you going? - To find Puckerman.
You know, my journey from little princess to "natural woman" begins this Saturday night at my house.
It sounds awful.
Is anybody going? Let me find out.
Did you hear? Yes.
Mercedes just told me.
Tell them I'll go if they go.
Tell them yourself.
I ain't no pony express.
You're going, right? Only if there's liquor, because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober.
But it's Alcohol Awareness Week.
And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is.
- Let's ask Puckerman.
- You're go for Puck.
Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes.
Can your friend score us some wine coolers? No, but his I.
Well, if we're all in, it's settled.
The Rachel Berry house party train wreck extravaganza is officially a go.
I wasn't expecting you guys.
Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history.
He kind of insisted on coming.
I'm totally off the clock right now, Rachel.
I'm not a Warbler.
I'm just Blaine.
I'm not even wearing my uniform.
So, this is your dads' Oscar room.
They transformed our ordinary basement - for our famous annual Oscar parties.
- Is that a stage? I kind of like to give impromptu performances for our neighbors sometimes.
Hey, girlfriend.
Having fun? Yeah.
Awesome party.
Uh, okay.
Let's, uh- Let's go over the rules.
Everybody gets two drink tickets to keep things from getting out of hand.
We are serving wine coolers today.
That is our specialty drink.
It's actually all we have.
Brittany! Remember the rules.
No sitting on anything.
Okay, everybody.
Cheers! Great party, Rachel.
We gotta run.
Yeah, dinner reservations.
But-But we- We haven't even played celebrity yet.
I Wh- Why is everybody leaving? Because this party blows.
I haven't even had my first sip yet.
How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now" if I can't even throw a party? Look, if you want everyone to stay you have to let me break in your dads' liquor cabinet.
No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers.
I'll replace it before they get home.
Let's party! # Poppin' bottles in the Ice # # Like a blizzard # # Now I'm feelin'so fly like a G6 # - Let's go! - # Like a G6, like a G6 # # Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 # Mike, get off! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! It tastes like pink.
It tastes like pink! Pink! - Are you not drinking? - No.
Designated driver.
- What about you? - I'm still trying to impress Blaine.
Can't get too sloppy.
Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.
Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers.
Right? Like, brothers! Wow! You're so tall.
- You having fun, Blaine? - Yeah.
This is the best party ever! Finny.
Dance with me.
We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I would do anything for you.
Anything! - Okay, Rachel.
Since this is your first time at this- - Sit down? - I'm gonna break it down for you.
- Okay.
Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk.
Exhibit "A": Santana- the weepy, hysterical drunk.
You like her more than me.
She's blonde and awesome and so smart.
Admit it.
Just admit it! No! Kiss me! Lauren Zizes and Quinn- the "anger girl" drunks.
I can't believe what you did to my body.
- I used to have abs.
- Back off.
- Who told you that hairstyle was cool- Geronimo? - Chill out.
Brittany- also known as the " girl who turns into a stripper" drunk.
# Makin' it rain # Whoo! That's my girlfriend.
I love you, baby.
Mercedes and Tina- "happy girl" drunks.
Oh! Oh! And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel.
And right now you're being the "needy girl" drunk.
Hanging all over me, being overly lovey.
It's not cool.
Well, what kind of girl is this? Let's spin the bottle! Who wants to play spin the bottle? Spin the bottle.
# Feelin' so fly like a G6 ## # Johnny, what's the deal, boy? # You know what? A reminder I owns that guppy mouth.
Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me, so You know what this is not? Hey, honeys.
It's not a Big Red commercial.
No me gusta.
Whoo! Party! It's my turn! It's my turn! Oh! This is outstanding! Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.
Yeah! Deep! Deep! More! More! More! More! # Johnny, are you queer, boy? # # Johnny, are you queer, boy? ## Okay, I think we've had enough of that.
- Okay! - Yeah! Your face tastes awesome.
That was crazy.
I think I just found a new duet partner! # You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar # - # When I met you # - # You # # I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around # - # Turned you into someone new # - # New # - # Don't- Don't you want me? # - # Don't # # You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me # - # Don't- Don't you want me? # - # Don't, don't # # You know I don't believe it when you say that you don't need me # # It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind # # You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry # # Don't you want me, baby? # # Don't you want me? Oh, oh # # Don't you want me, baby? # # Don't you want me? Oh, oh # # I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar # - # That much is true # - # True # # But even then I knew I'd find a much better place # - # Either with or without you # - # Without you # - # Don't # - # Don't # - # Don't you want me? # - # Don't you want me? # # You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me # # It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind # # You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry # # Don't you want me, baby? # I want you.
I do.
# Don't you want me? Oh, oh # - # Don't you want me, baby? # - # Oh, oh # # Don't you want me? Oh, oh # # Don't you want me, baby? ## Hey, Kurt, come give me a hand with these eggs.
I'll be down in a minute.
What the hell is a shirred egg? Is that- Is that the same thing as a scrambled egg? Hey, what's this? Today was the day you were gonna teach me all about brunch.
I'll be down in a sec.
Oh, where am I? Oh.
Uh, I'm sorry.
My bad.
I need to close my locker, and it's gonna sound like a gunshot.
I have had the worst hangover since Saturday, and it's Monday.
I've been dry-heaving all weekend.
When my mother asked what the sound was I said that I was practicing birdcalls.
- You guys, I can't stop barfing.
- Please don't say "barf.
" I caught a whiff of hair spray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom.
I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Can we talk about anything else? How about some Bloody Marys, y'all? Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.
It'll help your hangover.
That's what Bloody Marys are for.
Hair of the dog that done bit yo' ass.
# Blame it on the Goose Got you feelin' loose # # Blame it on the 'Tron Got you in the zone # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-a-a-alcohol # # Eh, she say she usually don't # # But I know that she front # # 'Cause shorty know what she want # # But she don't wanna seem like she's easy # # I ain't saying what you won't do # # But you know we probably gonna do # # What you've been feelin' deep inside # # Don't lie now # # Boy, what you drinkin'? # # Gonna let it sink in # # Here for the weekend thinkin' # # We can see what we can be if we press fast-forward # # Just one more round and you're down, I know it # # Fill another cup up Feelin' on your butt, what? # # You don't even care now # # I was unaware how fine you was # # Before my buzz set in # # My buzz set in # - # Blame it on the Goose Got you feelin' loose # - # Blame it on the Goose # # Blame it on the 'Tron Got you in the zone # - # Alcohol # - # Blame it on a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the vodka Blame it on the Henny # # Blame it on the blue top Got you feelin' dizzy # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-a-a-alcohol # # Now to the ballas poppin' bottles with their Henny in their cups # # Screamin' money ain't a thing if you ain't throw it up # - # In the sky # - # In the sky # - # And hold your drinks up high # - # Up high # # And to my independent mamas who can buy they own bottles # # If you lookin' like a model when them broke fellas holla # - # Tell them bye # - # Bye # - # And hold your drinks up high # - # Up high # # Blame it on the Goose Got you feelin' loose # # Blame it on the 'Tron Got you in the zone # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the vodka Blame it on the Henny # # Blame it on that blue top Got you feeling dizzy # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol # # Blame it on the a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol ## Well done, you guys.
I mean, you always bring it with the singing and the dancing.
But what I was really impressed with today was your acting.
I truly thought that some of you guys were drunk.
We take our craft serious.
Problem is- That-That song is great but it- it kind of glorifies drinking, don't you think? I mean, we're supposed to sing about the dangers of alcohol for this assembly.
Well, good luck finding a song that does that.
Schue? First of all, that vest is very cute.
You are all kinds of awesome.
But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none, as long as you have a proper designated driver.
Have I ever told you how great you are? Well, Rachel, yeah, driving drunk is dangerous.
And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poisoning? Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year.
Santana, are you- Are you crying? I'm okay.
I'm okay.
You're such a hypocrite.
You drink.
Most adults do.
I may have a beer every now and then, but I don't- I don't get drunk.
We're just saying this is a waste of time.
We're totally aware of alcohol.
We see adults drinking it and having fun.
Every commercial during NASCAR is for beer.
Enough, guys.
Look, tomorrow, come with your thinking caps on because we're gonna spend the entire day brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly.
Am I out of touch? I used to drink a lot more when I was their age.
Most of the time, it was just to deal with Terri, but I mean, who am I to tell them not to drink when I blacked out a couple of times when I was their age? - And I ended up okay.
- You're taking this way too hard.
- Something else going on? - Let's see.
Um My divorce is starting to really sink in.
Sue's coaching my competition at regionals.
And Emma is looking for a house with her husband.
Is that all? - What do you do for stress relief? - Exercise.
Well, me, too, but that's a little too close to being productive.
You got to get a little ridiculous, man, burn off some of that angst.
- You have any suggestions? - Tomorrow night you're tagging along with me for my stress relief.
We're going to a little place they call Rosalita's Roadhouse.
Isn't that like a honky-tonk bar? You ain't lived till you've seen me in a cowboy hat.
# So far away # # Doesn't anybody stay In one place anymore? - I didn't drink that much.
- Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face.
That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.
- Oh, my God.
Speak of the devil.
- Two medium drips.
Hi, Rachel.
Kurt and I were just talking about you.
You're such a cutie-pie with your blazer and your pants.
So, I have a question for you.
- I wanted to know- - Is she drunk? Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Um, yeah.
All right, I'll see you then.
Okay, bye.
Rachel just asked me out.
Oh, that's amazing.
She's got a girl crush on you.
Wait a second.
Why'd you say yes? - You can't lead her on.
- Who says I'm leading her on? You can't be serious.
When we kissed, it- it felt good.
It felt good because you were drunk.
What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date? - You're gay, Blaine.
- I thought I was.
But I've never even had a boyfriend before.
Isn't this the time you're supposed to figure stuff out? - I can't believe that I'm hearing this right now.
- Maybe I'm bi.
I don't know.
"Bisexual" is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.
Wait, wait.
Why are you so angry? Because I look up to you.
I admire how proud you are of who you are.
I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.
I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever.
But however confusing it might be for you it's actually a lot more confusing for me.
You're 100% sure who you are.
Well, maybe we all can't be so lucky.
Yeah, I have- I've had a lot of luck, Blaine.
I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.
- And why did he do that? - Because he didn't like who I was.
Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now.
Isn't it? I am- I'm searching, okay? I'm honestly just trying to figure out who I am and for you, of all people, to get down on me for that I didn't think that's who you were.
I'll see you.
I'd say "bye," but I wouldn't want to make you angry.
- Bring it in.
- Cheers! - Come on, brother.
- # Last night # - Yeah! Go, Will! Get up! Yeah! # A hundred bottles of beer on the wall # # I thought I could drink 'em all ## Whoo! Bring it in.
Whoo! Welcome, everybody, to Rosalita's Roadhouse where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.
A special warm welcome to Will Schuester joining us here for the first time tonight.
My friend Shannon the Cannon here tells me Will wants to hop up on stage and sing us a song.
Come on up here, cowboy.
Whoo! I'll get you for this.
You know- You know, I- I am not singing anything without my gal here.
Come on, bring her a microphone.
Bring her a microphone.
I wanna tell you a story about the house-rent blues.
I come home one Friday had to tell the landlady I done lost my job.
She said, "That don't comfort me.
Long as I get my money next Friday.
" Now, next Friday come, I didn't get the rent and out the door I went.
# One bourbon, one scotch, one beer # # Well, I ain't seen my baby since I don't know when # # I've been drinking bourbon, whiskey scotch and gin # # Gonna get high, man, I'm gonna get loose # # Need me a triple shot of that juice # # Gonna get drunk Don't you have no fear # # I want one bourbon one scotch and one beer # # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer # # I ain't seen my baby since the night before last # # Gonna get a drink, man, I'm gonna get gassed # # Gotta get high, man, I ain't had enough # # Need me a triple shot of that stuff # # Gonna get drunk Won't you listen right here? # # I want one bourbon one shot and one beer # # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer # I want all that! Come on now! # One bourbon, one scotch, one beer ## Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Drinks on me! Thanks for helping with the party cleanup especially considering that you didn't even drink.
- I was in the neighborhood.
- At 10:00? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went? Oh, was that tonight? Look, we're friends, so I'm gonna be honest with you.
The date was lovely.
We saw Love Story at the revival theater.
We even dressed up as the characters.
That's not gay at all.
Did you kiss? No.
Our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue.
Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close but I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Or the blood-alcohol level.
Look, I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out.
But Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay well, then I guess I will have done you a favor.
And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Blaine and I have a lot in common.
A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay.
Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger.
I don't dispute that.
But there's something you and Blaine will never have, and that's chemistry.
Then I'm gonna prove you wrong.
I'm gonna take the beer goggles off, and I'm gonna kiss him sober.
And if the spark is still there then I'm taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping-hot slice of humble pie.
Whoa! Easy, partner.
- Can I get you something to drink? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Taxi's waiting.
- All right.
How are you not drunk? We drank exactly the same amount.
I got a hollow leg.
You got a hollow leg! - Hey, you gonna be okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I just- just got to grade some papers, and I'm still looking for a song for the kids to sing at the Alcohol Awareness assembly.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Uh, the kids want to sing a Ke$ ha song but, uh, it just makes drinking seem like a lot of fun.
Sometimes it is fun.
Like tonight.
That's the most fun I've had in a really long time.
- I mean, we were careful.
- Mm-hmm.
- We didn't drive.
- Mmm.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothin'.
Nothin's wrong with that.
Except we're not teenagers anymore, Will.
You know? The way I see it, you can't just lecture kids.
I mean, we can't stop them from drinking if that's what they're gonna do.
I mean, the best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and just hope they're smart enough to make a good decision on their own.
I don't know.
You nut.
All right, buddy.
I'm out of here.
Don't get up.
I'm not.
I'm gonna stay right - Hey.
- Yes? You just make sure you drink lots of water.
- Okay? - Mwah! I love you.
Right back at you.
Happy face.
That was a valiant effort.
You get A-plus.
That's how I roll.
I don't even know who you are.
Oh, what the hell.
Hey there, sexy lady.
I know it's late, and I know you're taken.
I've had a couple drinks, but there's something I r-really, really want to say to you.
William! Can't wait to see what your New Directions are planning for the assembly.
I know we've had issues with your kids performing in front of the school but I have a really good feeling about this one.
Why are you screaming? I'm not screaming.
Are you okay? Oh, wow, your cologne is just really strong.
It's Drakkar Noir! - Hey.
- Emma.
Oh, Will, you look terrible.
Considering how much I drank, I think I'm lucky to be alive.
Although I kind of wish I was dead.
- I am so embarrassed.
- Why? I mean, besides the fact that you drank like a frat boy and you're well into your 30s.
- Please don't make me say it.
- Sorry? I don't even remember half the things I said to you.
I-I'm not following.
I-I drunk-dialed you last night.
No, you didn't.
I mean, I didn't get a single message.
What would you have said that you'd be embarrassed about? Nothing.
I-I-I- Just must have been a really elaborate, uh, booze dream, yeah.
It's time, Will.
I've arranged to have you committed for 48 hours, and it's not gonna be easy.
Those state institutions tend to turn the fire hose on patients going through the D.
But at this point, I have no other option but a forced intervention.
Sue, I do not have a drinking problem.
Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart imitation? Will, I'm trying to save you.
Why? All you ever want to do is destroy me.
Yeah, well, it's kind of like nursing a P.
back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him to death.
All right, Will.
You had your chance to do this the easy way.
Soufflé is all about the whites.
If you get yolk in it or you don't let it stiffen properly then you might as well be making pancakes.
All right.
You think the one we already made is ready yet? - I hope so.
- All right, let's check it out.
Here we go.
You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Why are you being so hard on me? I would've been happy with you teaching me to make toast.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but it's Blaine.
He's interested in Rachel.
I'm confused.
I thought he was gay too.
Oh, he is, he is.
He's just experimenting.
He's not the only one.
What does that mean? Look, I need you to ask me before you have someone sleep over.
We-We were fully clothed the entire time.
Blaine was too drunk to drive, so I let him crash here.
- I was being responsible.
- You kids are drinking now? Finn and I didn't have any, if that's what you're worried about.
I'm worried about you being inappropriate in my house.
And if Puckerman had a sleepover with Finn, would that be inappropriate? - That's different.
- Because they wouldn't have sex? No, I would never allow Finn to have a girl sleep over in his bed.
But would it make you uncomfortable if he did? Hey, when have I been uncomfortable with you being gay? So it's not being gay that upsets you.
It's just me acting on it.
I don't know what two guys do when they're together.
You know, I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain.
From what I gather, something went down in the tent.
What do you want from me here, Dad? I want you to apologize for being inappropriate and promise me you'll never do it again.
I'm sorry.
I won't have sleepovers with anyone that might be gay without asking you first.
Thank you.
But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself so if I have any questions, I could go to my dad like any straight son could.
Quiet, please.
Quiet, please, children.
I would like to wish you and yours a healthy and happy Alcohol Awareness Week.
Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest.
But Lima Police Chief Lawrence Krowley is here to show you a grisly slide show of auto accidents.
Take it away, Chief.
- You guys, I'm really nervous.
- Thank you, Principal Figgins.
Ke$ ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice.
- We haven't had enough rehearsal.
- Or any at all.
And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.
Never fear, teammates.
It's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene.
In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet.
There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here.
Also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled-up Oreos.
Oh, my God.
This tastes like cough syrup.
- There's also cough syrup.
- Cheers.
- To Ke$ ha.
- Cheers.
- To Ke$ ha.
Thank you, Chief.
And now, performing the hit single "Tik" and also "Tok" by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha the New Directions.
# Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P.
Diddy # - What up, girl? - # Grab my glasses, I'm out the door # - # I'm gonna hit this city # - Let's go.
# Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack # # 'Cause when I leave for the night # # I ain't comin' back # # I'm talkin' pedicure on our toes, toes # # Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes # # Boys blowin' up our phones, phones # # Drop-toppin', playin' our favorite CDs # # Goin' up to the parties # # Trying to get a little bit- tipsy # # Don't stop, make it pop # # Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight # # I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight # # Ticktock on the clock # # But the party don't stop, no # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Don't stop, make it pop # # Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight # # I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight # # Ticktock on the clock # # But the party don't stop, no # - I don't feel good.
- Power through it! # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # You build me up # # You break me down # # My heart, it pounds # # Yeah, you've got me # # With my hands up you've got me now # # You've got that sound Yeah, you've got me # # Oh, oh # # You build me up # # You break me down # # My heart, it pounds # # Yeah, you've got me # # Oh, Oh # # With my hands up # # Put your hands up # # Put your hands up # # Now, the party don't start till I walk in # # Don't stop, make it pop # # Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight # # I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight # # Ticktock on the clock # # But the party don't stop, no # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-## Oh, my God.
Everybody, drink responsibly.
Heads up, McKinley.
Coach Sylvester's gonna shout at ya.
Students, colleagues Indeed, all who understand the Queen's English.
We all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly by a Glee Club spiraling out of control.
My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit.
And there is simply but one person to blame the alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist Will Schuester the director of that club.
Two days ago, I received a drunk-dial in the middle of the night - from a horny Will Schuester.
- Oh, no.
Open your ears, McKinley High and behold the awful price of alcoholism.
Hey there, sexy lady.
There's something I really, really want to say to you.
I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my llfe.
Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here? And it'll be just one night of us just getting crazy.
Let's just get crazy! Just get really crazy and roll around in the hay.
I was just in some hay earlier tonight.
Hey, and I rode a bull, and I was thinking of you.
Will Schuester you've just been publicly humiliated.
And on the road to recovery, it's the very first step.
We're probably gonna get suspended.
I think you'll definitely get suspended.
- You'll probably all get suspended.
- Oh, you're one to talk.
How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy von Drunk-a-ton? William, Glee Club.
I have one word for you.
Those special effects at the assembly really paid off! I had no idea what brilliant musical-comedy performers you all have become.
The kids at this school are scared straight.
Today is the first day in a month without a single act of public drunkenness at McKinley High! And as a thank you here are coupons for half-off frozen yogurt.
William, I do think you need to see someone about your sex and love addiction.
I've talked to my pastor about you and he's willing to meet you at your earliest convenience.
Thank you.
Achievement! Achievement! I'm torn.
Part of me never wants to drink again because it made me so sick.
But if it weren't for drinking, the assembly would have been a disaster.
I, for one, am never drinking again.
Being thrown up on- it just does something to a person.
All right, guys.
While I'm happy things worked out with the assembly I never want to see you guys pull anything like that again.
Drinking while performing is unprofessional.
Drinking while at school is just stupid and, most importantly any of you guys drinking at all is illegal.
There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.
That is so racist.
I couldn't agree more, which is why I'm gonna stop drinking.
Not even a beer at the end of the night to take the edge off.
But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for? I have plenty in my life without beer.
Like what exactly? The point is I'm gonna stop.
And I hope you guys do too.
- Isn't that kind of unrealistic? - Yeah.
Honestly, I think it is.
Which is why I'm only gonna ask you to do it until after nationals.
Consider yourselves like prize fighters getting ready for a big heavyweight bout.
Now, these are pledge forms, and I want you guys to sign them.
And what if we fall off the wagon again? Look in the top corner of your form.
That's my cell phone number.
Yes! Part of your pledge is that if you do slip up no matter where you are or what time of the night it is I want you to call me to drive you home.
We got lucky this time that the only consequences of your drinking was some ill-timed vomiting.
None of us wants to see any of you guys get hurt.
Cool beans, Mr.
I'll sign this.
Me too.
Alcohol has done nothing for my songwriting.
What about after we win nationals? I'm buying the sparkling cider.
Yes! You said he comes this way at 3:30.
Like clockwork- for his postrehearsal medium drip.
I just can't wait to lay one on him.
I've got a bad feeling about this, Rachel.
I don't mean to be a scold, but I don't want you to get hurt either.
- There's no victory in this for me either way.
- Who cares about you, buddy? I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and, in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.
There he is, dreamy as ever.
Wish me luck.
# I feel the earth move under my feet # - Hey, Rachel.
What's going on? - # I feel the sky tumblin'down # # A-tumblin'down # # I feel the earth move under my feet # # I feel the sky tumblin'down # # A-tumblin'down # # I just lose control # Huh.
I'm gay.
Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel.
Save my space in line, will you? I gotta go hit the restroom.
# All over # # I feel the earth move under my feet # # I feel the sky come # - That was hard, wasn't it? - Are you kidding? That was amazing.
I am speechless.
I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay.
That is songwriting gold.
Oh! Okay.
I have to go compose, but thank you.
Thank you! # Tumblin'down ## English - US - SDH
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