Glee s03e03 Episode Script

Asian F

- So here's what you missed on - Emma's living with Will, which has really been helping her OCD, which is good, because she's helping Artie and Beiste direct West Side Story.
Rachel seems like a shoo-in for Maria, and Kurt's running for class president so he can get into NYADA.
Thank you in advance for your votes.
But Brittany quit as his campaign manager so she can run, too.
I'm also a unicorn.
And th's what you missed on Glee! Five, six seven, eight.
You're late.
I know.
I overslept.
It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
My alarm clock went off 30 minutes late this morning.
Kind of shifted my whole schedule.
Anyway, what's Santana doing here? I've resworn my allegiance to the Glee Club without telling Coach Sue.
Mercedes, I'll catch you up.
Five, six, seven.
Five, six - Mercedes, you okay? - My stomach hurts.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Why are you babying her? I mean, she can't do three steps without puking 'cause she ate at Quizno's before she showed up in this joint.
Shue, you have us scheduled to the second right now.
With school, Glee Club and Booty Camp, when else am I supposed to eat? - When the rest of us do.
- Oh, like you eat! It's not about eating.
It's about attitude.
Sectionals are coming up, and if we don't give it our all I am doing my best.
No, you're not.
It's not about doing your best anymore.
It's about doing better.
- Morning, sunshine.
- Hey.
Do you want me to iron some bacon for you? Um, I was looking for a fresh box of cornflakes, and I found this hidden way back in the pantry.
It's a stash of wedding magazines.
Wedding, Inc.
, Modern Bridal, Marry Me Monthly Oh, wow.
Terri must have had a massive bridal magazine addiction.
And an autographed headshot of Vera Wang.
"To Emma.
Always Marry Up!" Right, that's slightly harder to explain away.
Look, Emma, I'm not scared of your inner bridezilla.
I mean, that's clearly the road we're headed down, and marriage is just one of several milestones I look forward to sharing with you.
But because I don't like secrets, I thought I'd share my secret stash with you.
I was a bachelor for over a year.
Kept me off of Craig's List.
Okay, we'll just put that over here.
if you're serious about you and me why haven't I met your parents? Be because, um, they're dead.
You spoke to them on the phone last night.
I spoke to their ghosts last night.
I have ghost parents.
Okay, can't lie to you.
Um I I I just want to take it really slowly.
You know, I don't want to rush things.
And and I feel like meeting my parents right now would be a bad idea.
I must say Mr.
Mike Chang Sr.
, this is highly unusual.
I have no grounds to drug test your son every day.
My grandmother in China knew three English phrases: "Coca-Cola," "Kiss My Grits" and "Harvard University.
" Deep in Hubei Province this old woman knew the best school in the United States.
That's where my son belongs.
But what makes you think he's on drugs? He's one of our best students, a football star, and he can bust a serious move.
My son got an A-minus on his chemistry test.
An A-minus is an Asian F.
Chang Sr.
, I don't want to get in your business, as they say, but don't you think perhaps you're putting too much pressure on Mike Chang Jr.
? An A-minus won't do.
It's the girlfriend.
She's a distraction.
Here's where we agree, sir.
Tina Cohen-Chang and her vampire ways have no place in this school.
Excuse me from gym all year or I'll drain your spicy curry blood.
It's clear to me that either Michael is on drugs or that he's bitten off more than he can chew.
He needs to quit Glee Club.
- Performing is a waste of his time.
- What? The consultant we hired said that it was meaningless on your transcript.
In fact, he said it was a detriment.
I'll do better, Dad.
I promise.
Get me a chemistry tutor.
I'll pay for it myself.
Just give me one more chance.
All right, listen up, ladies! Number one: I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled, hence the crutches.
Number two: the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating staph infection so, fellas, wash yourselves, and that includes your bat caves and your bramble patches.
Number three: Tinsley, Puckerman, Azimio, show me your moves.
- What moves? - Oh, don't play stupid.
You're all dancing in West Side Story unless I specifically excuse you.
Tire shop every afternoon.
Coach, no disrespect, but my dad, he didn't raise me to be no damn ballerina.
In fact, my dad, he didn't even raise me.
Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half of the NFL on Dancing With the Stars! Boo-yah! By Wednesday, everyone is to show up at audition and dance.
How are we supposed to learn to dance by Wednesday? Figure it out.
- Baby, what was that? - What? You just hugged your arch-nemesis right before the audition.
You think before I cleat some dude I hug him? You think Wonder Woman hugs the Cheeta before the Amazonian smackdown? It's not like that.
Rachel and I are friends.
Not right now you're not.
This is winner-takes-all.
Maria's the lead and you need to be playing that part.
Don't be going crazy now on me, Shane.
People are saying that Rachel Berry's the one to beat.
Why don't you know that you're the one to beat? You're fabulous, baby.
I know You don't.
You always make me watch Dreamgirls.
You say you're Beyoncé, but on the inside you feel like Effie White.
You're better than Rachel Berry, baby.
I've been here for three years and no one's ever said that to me.
Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo Are you a man who loves, cherishes and cares for me? Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah Are you a guard in the prison, maximum security? Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah Do we stay home all the time 'Cause you want me to yourself? Is that you, is that you, is that you? Yeah Or am I locked away out of fear That I'll find someone else? Is that you, is that you? Yeah Well, I don't like living under your spotlight Maybe if you treat me right You won't have to worry You won't ever have to worry No No Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourself What the hell do you think you're doing? Loving me, loving me so wrong Baby, all I do is try Try To show you that you're my My One and only guy Only guy No matter who may come along Open your eyes 'cause, baby, I don't like Ooh-hoh, ooh, hoo-hoo Hey, 'cause I don't like Living under your spotlight No, no Just because you think I might Find somebody worthy, no, no I don't like, yeah Living under your spotlight Living under your spotlight Maybe if you treat me right Treat me right, yeah You don't never have to worry I don't like.
- Wow! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Beautiful.
Whoo! Mercedes, I've never seen you like this before.
You're so - Glamorous.
- Glamorous.
Well, I just wanted you guys to see me - the way that I see myself - as a leading lady.
Well, it was wonderful.
So good.
You killed it! I'm so proud of you.
Ready for song practice? Your audition is tomorrow.
- I'm not auditioning.
- What are you talking about? We've been practicing your singing every day! This is your chance to break out and show everybody that you're more than just a fleet-footed dance ninja.
Riff is perfect for you.
He sings, he dances, he dies.
It's the second male lead, Mike.
I'm overwhelmed and losing focus.
Football, Glee Club, Booty Camp so we're ready for Sectionals.
I got an A-minus, Tina.
You got an Asian F? My dad is all over me.
You shouldn't have to hide your dreams.
Just be honest with him.
Oh, like how you were so honest about pretending to stutter all that time? Point taken.
With only two days left for people to announce their candidacy, that leaves me and Brittany running in this race.
Which is more like me running, and you know, Brittany just whimsically hopping and skipping nearby.
No one takes her seriously.
That's so amazing, Kurt.
I mean, you can practically add the moniker of "President" to your curriculum vitae now.
NYADA is gonna eat that up.
According to the new Jacob Ben Israel straw poll here, take one take one, take Okay.
Um, according to the soft numbers, - I'm ahead by Brit by 11%.
- Really? - This could be a cakewalk.
- Nice blouse, Hummel.
Really brings out the color of your pink eye.
- So, I assume I can rely on your vote, Rachel.
- I'm sorry, Brittany, but I've already pledged my fidelity to Kurt.
Oh, so you're cool with flushing McKinley High's future down - the magical poop-stealing water chair? - Did you know that in six years at this school, we've only exclusively had male student council presidents? And yeah, Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon's butch daughter, but a vote for him would only empower yet another frank and beans.
Where has that patriarchy gotten us? Double-digit inflation, economic freefall, oil spills, war in Afghanistan.
I tweeted about Brit's flash mob pep rally in the gym, and we're all showing up to support her with girl power.
Yes, boys have made one helluva mess in this school, and there's only one way to clean it up.
Girls, we run this mother, yeah Girls Girls, we run this mother Who run the world? Girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls Who run the world? Girls, girls It's hot up in here, DJ, don't be scared To run this, run this back I'm reppin' for the girls who taking over the world Help me raise a glass for the college grads Anyone rolling, I'll let you know what time it is, check You can't hold me I work my 9:00 to This goes out to all my women getting it in You on your grind To all the men that respect what I do Please accept my shine Boy, I know you love it, how we're smart enough To make these millions, strong enough to bear the children Then get back to business See, you better not play me Don't come here, baby Hope you still like me If you pay me My persuasion Can build a nation Endless power Our love we can devour You'll do anything for me Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls, girls Who run the world? Girls Who are we? What we run? The world Who run this mother? Who are we? What we run? The world Who run this? Yeah Who are we? What do we run? We run the world Who run the world? Girls! Hi.
I'm Brittany S.
Pierce, and I'm your next senior class president.
Harvard/Yale 1968.
- Bush/Gore 2000.
And now - I know.
- It's too close to call.
- What is? Marias.
We have two very strong, but very different candidates tied for the role.
Rachel Berry and ? Mercedes.
I thought Berry had it in the bag, and then Stealth-Attack Jones came in and just pancaked me emotionally.
I mean, right before our eyes, Mercedes just transformed.
She had a new maturity, there was a confidence I've never seen before.
Her performance was so truthful.
I think our little girl's all grown up.
I'm so happy to hear that.
I don't know what you're doing, Schuester, but it's working.
Well, I have been pushing her pretty hard in Booty Camp.
Good for Mercedes.
Yes, but very hard for us.
I mean, Rachel is Maria.
- Isn't she? - Yes.
On the other hand, Mercedes is Is the riskier choice, no doubt.
And she might even be the more exciting one.
It's just too close to call.
Well, you know what you need to do, then.
Let me get this straight.
You can't make up your minds, so we have to try out again? In the biz, it's called a callback.
With such an iconic role as Maria, it can't appear as if they're just giving me the part.
We'd like you both to come back on Thursday for the ultimate Maria-off.
I can't speak for Mercedes, but I'll be singing the timeless Maria classic "I Feel Pretty.
" Actually, that's too easy, Rachel.
We've picked a song that we think has the potential to show off both of your talents, in unexpected ways.
"Out Here On My Own" from the seminal behind-the-scenes musical Fame.
- I know it.
- I lived it.
Mercedes! Look, in the spirit of Broadway camaraderie, I'd like to offer you a hug to congratulate you on your callback.
You know what, Rachel? Hug me after I get the part.
I'm leaving right now to go meet the Chem tutor at The Lima Bean.
I promise I'll bring my grade up.
And, Dad, I'm so sorry for disappointing you.
We've worked so hard to get to where we are.
And this, this is how you waste your time? Dancing is something you do at a wedding.
It's a hobby, not a career.
There's no future in it.
What happens if you hurt yourself? You're one injury away from having nothing.
You will not waste your life.
So beautiful.
You don't talk that much, you hardly ever sing, but when I see you do that, it's who you are.
It's what makes me feel you.
Mike, you got to know by now, when I see you dance it's why I fell in love with you.
Mike Chang? The kid's never late.
He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.
Okay, next.
Uh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm here to audition for Riff.
Uh, Mike, you know that's not just a dancing part, right? I do, yes.
I've been working on my singing.
Boy, boy, crazy boy Get cool, boy Got a rocket in your pocket Keep coolly cool, boy Don't get hot, 'cause, man, you got Some high times ahead Take it slow and, Daddy-O You can live it up and die in bed Boy, boy, crazy boy Stay loose, boy Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it Turn off the juice, boy Go, man, go, but not like a yo-yo schoolboy Just play it cool, boy Real cool Cool! Go! Crazy! Cool! Go! Crazy! Go! Boy, boy, crazy boy Stay loose, boy Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it Turn off the juice, boy Just play it cool, boy Real cool.
Yeah! Wow! Wow, Chang, you must have worked really closely with my boys there.
That was some really fancy footwork.
I just hope you didn't waste too much of your time.
It's what I love to do.
It's never going to be a waste of my time.
Good job.
So no girls have tried out for your fancy new rogue singing club? Why do you think that is? Mmm.
Singing's just musical talking.
Well, I guess if I was a girl in this school, and I wanted to be in a singing group, I'd be in New Directions.
Enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.
Hey, Will.
What, no chicken? Mm, I'm carbo-loading, Will.
I got to keep my strength up.
I got football, I'm running the student council elections, and you got me doing that musical.
Thank God for Emma.
She's a hard worker.
You should be really proud of her.
Yeah, well, I just wish she was more proud of me.
Mm, come on.
I mean, I know I'm not a dentist like Carl.
I don't make $80,000 a year.
Punkin, what the hell are you talking about? That girl is crazy about you.
She hasn't introduced me to her parents.
Well, introduce yourself! You're a catch, Will.
You got nothing to be nervous about.
You're everything a future in-law could ask for.
You think so? You bet your sweet bippy.
Did you know Breadstix delivers? That's awesome.
The cast list goes up on Friday.
Are you nervous? A little.
I'm trying not to think about it.
I wouldn't be.
My mole in the casting office says that there's only one actor they're seriously considering for the role of Tony, and his initials are B.
Kurt, they're beautiful.
But what are they for? You killed your audition, Blaine.
If anyone else got Tony, including me, the Wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Shubert Alley locusts.
These are to celebrate you.
You always zig when I think you're about to zag, and I I just I love that about you.
Thank you.
Okay, so, before we dive into today's Booty Camp, I just want to say how impressed Mike and I have been with everyone's progress.
Uh Brittany, why are you here? 'Cause I intend on, you know, dancing my way into the voters' hearts.
All right everyone up! Now, your homework assignment was "The Widow Maker," perhaps the hardest show choir dance move ever.
Now, when you get it right, one of us is gonna tap you out, then you can have a seat.
Uh, five, six, seven, eight! Okay.
You have it.
Come on, Mercedes down, open.
- Come on, Finn, you can do it! - No, he can't.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Come on, Mercedes.
Good job, buddy.
Down open Come on, Mercedes, down open up My ankle hurts.
Push through it.
- I don't feel good.
- You're fine.
No, I'm not! Look, Mercedes, I want you to be the best you can be, okay? Did you even practice this? Stop picking on me! You're always singling me out, making me look bad! - That's crazy.
- No, you're crazy for not letting me shine! Where's Rachel, huh? I don't see her here, being a part of the "team.
" Rachel practices every night.
No one asked you, Finn.
Everyone knows that Rachel is your favorite.
That's not true.
No, it's true you give that skinny, Garanimal-wearing ass-kisser everything! And, you know, for two years, you know, I took it.
But not anymore! I'm done! You know, I've outgrown you.
I've outgrown all of you.
Mercedes! You walk out that door, you're out of Glee Club.
Shue was supposed to love me.
I turn my back and find myself out on the line You could've warned me But that would've been too kind I've been warning you for months to clean up your act You've been late, you've been mean Giving all kinds of stupid flack That's a lie, that's a lie It's just, I haven't been feeling that well Effie, please, stop excusing yourself You've been late, you've been mean And getting fatter all the time Now you're lyin', you're lyin' I've never been so thin You're lyin', you're lyin' 'Cause you're knockin' off that piece Who thinks she's better than everybody Running for president She ain't better than anybody She ain't nothin' but common Now, listen to me, Miss Blame-it-on-the-world See, I put up with you for much too long I have put up with your bitchin' I put up with your naggin' And all your screamin' too Oh, now when are you two gonna stop all this fighting? Stay out of this, Finn, this is between Santana and me! Yeah! Well, it's between me, too I'm as much a part of this group as anybody else And I'm tired, Effie I'm tired Of all the problems you're makin' up I always knew you two were together What?! Always knew you two were gangin' up on me Kurt had nothing to do with this change, it was you It was you always thinking of you Always thinking of you Lay off, Effie Just take the money and run You in this with them, Puck? Cool it, Effie This time you know what you've done So they bought your behind, too, huh? I said, cool it, Effie This time you've gone too far Oh, I can go further.
I can go further! I don't wanna stay around this I'm just breakin' in to this business This is between all of you This is none of my affair I'm not feelin' well, I've got pain Effie, we all got pain Oh, for two years, I stuck with you I was your sister You were trouble And now you're telling me It's all over Now we're telling you It's all over And now, I'm telling you I ain't goin' It's all over I ain't goin' It's all over It's over.
Mom? What are you doing here? What are you doing, Michael? I'm just warming up for football.
How can you look at me like that and lie to me? I got a call from your chemistry tutor when you didn't show up.
I covered for you with your father.
So now I'm a liar, too.
The least you could do is tell me the truth.
I auditioned for the school musical.
I don't want to be a surgeon or a lawyer, Mom.
I want to be an artist.
And the only time I really feel special is when I do That.
Mom, please don't cry.
Michael, my job is to encourage you to live your dreams, not mine, not your dad's.
I was raised a certain way, and my parents had expectations of me and I simply was not as courageous as my son.
I let go of my dreams but I never want you to do that.
Do you hear me? So do you know if we earned that part in the school musical yet? Well, when you do, we're going to tell your father about it.
So what dream did you let go of? Like you, I loved dancing.
But your waigong never let me take lessons.
Some people think I'm a pretty good teacher.
Okay Rachel, focus.
You want this more than she does.
I do.
You've earned this.
The part's already yours.
It's been waiting for you, Mercedes; just take it.
I will.
Rachel Berry? Mercedes Jones? Go get it, baby.
Ladies you're both wonderful.
Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans.
I have a feeling that people are going to be talking about this face-off for the rest of our lives.
- Heads or tails? - Heads.
- Tails.
- Heads.
- Yes! Rachel? Mercedes can go first.
Sometimes I wonder Where I've been Who I am Do I fit in? Make believin' is hard alone Out here on my own We're always provin' Who we are Always reachin' For that risin' star To guide me far And shine me home Out here on my own When I'm down And feelin' blue I close my eyes So I can be with you Oh, baby, be strong for me Baby, belong To me Help me through Help me need you Sometimes I wonder Where I've been Who I am Do I fit in? I may not win But I can't be thrown Out here On On my own Out here On my Own.
Wow! Yeah! Bravo! That was excellent.
You were amazing.
She was better than me.
Coach Beiste, I have something very important we need to discuss.
What is this? - Are we having a romantic dinner? - Sort of.
I invited your parents over.
Is that my little freaky-deaky? Okay.
I'm gonna say hi in one minute.
One minute, one minute.
Oh, God, oh my God.
- Why would you do this? - I wanted to meet your parents, so I thought I'd take the bull by the horns.
Right, it's okay, because maybe, maybe we can get them to leave.
I will pretend like, um, an ovarian cyst burst.
Works every time.
Emma, what is going on here? Are you ashamed of me? No.
I'm ashamed of them.
What? Why? My parents are ginger supremacists.
We're not ginger supremacists.
We're more ginger preservationists.
We don't hate anybody.
We just prefer the company of other redheads, which is why we - enjoy the Red Oaks so much.
- What's the Red Oaks? It's a gingers-only country club.
It's really the only place I feel I can be myself and let my auburn hair down.
Did you know that if we're not careful, - redheads will be extinct in 30 years? - Extinct? It's a recessive gene.
If we keep heading down the road we're on, with everybody just mixing with everybody, we gingers will cease to exist as a species.
Not really a separate species.
Which is why I'd really love to hear about your heritage.
I have to say, your hair's a little wooly for my taste, but those beautiful blue eyes are a very good sign.
Now Schuester is German, right? I I think so.
You're practically a Viking.
- Hey.
- Well, that's a relief.
There's got to be some red hair in that family tree.
Yeah, not like that Carl.
Looks like freaky-deaky's coming down with a mean case of the cleanies.
Don't bother trying to stop her once she starts, Will.
We used to tie her thumbs together, and she'd chew right through the twine.
I think it's weird.
I don't know where she got it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Amigo.
You're not our regular waitress.
- Cindy! - You can't be too careful.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but has anyone ever told you that you're both a little racist? I'm sorry? Excuse me, it's not racist to be proud of the heritage that you're trying to preserve, Will.
Well, maybe it isn't.
But all I know is that if Emma and I were blessed enough to have a child, I wouldn't care what he or she looked like.
And you know what? If my child had OCD, I'd maybe try to show a little compassion instead of calling her a name that makes her feel like a freak.
These beans are a disaster.
These beans are what happens when you sit out - an election, Rose.
- There wasn't a ginger candidate.
I think we should talk, don't you? About the, um, upcoming deadline for the NYADA applications? About you telling Coach Beiste that you're running for senior class president.
- Against me.
- Kurt, you saw Mercedes, okay? I'm not gonna get the part.
So I figured, if I win, I'll make you vice president, and then maybe you could just do vice-versa.
Rachel, if you win, yes, it'll better your chances of getting into NYADA, yes.
But if I win, it could make a huge difference at this school.
Not just for me, but kids like me.
Things could actually change for them.
So, whatever it takes, I'm winning.
Look, I just I need something for my senior year that's gonna make me special, that's gonna make me stand out.
I thought Maria was gonna be that.
You understand.
You're just as ambitious as I am; that's why we're friends.
Rachel, in ten years, when you look back on this time, you're not gonna be thinking about the clubs you belonged to or the parts you had.
You'll be thinking about the friends you had and and the ones you just tossed aside.
Please don't tell us that we have to try out again.
No, we've come to a decision.
It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my two prize donkeys to pay my gas bill.
I sold Kim, but I kept Khloe.
So, um, in the grand tradition of the Special Olympics everybody wins.
We're double-casting Maria.
What the hell is "double-casting?" It means that we'll both get to play Maria.
You'll get your well-deserved standing ovations on Saturday matinees and Sunday mornings for the Retired Lima War Veterans, and I'll do all the evening performances.
Actually, Rachel, we're adding a week.
You'll both get four nights and two matinees.
Fair enough.
Mercedes, it'll be a pleasure sharing the spotlight with you.
Are you double-casting any other roles? - No.
Just - No.
Thank you for your time.
Where are you going? Tell me you were better than me.
Tell me.
Why is it that no one ever wants to hurt her feelings? You know, it's always been "The Rachel Berry Show" around here.
But it's not gonna be for me.
No, not my senior year.
Mercedes, don't make this a stupid pride thing.
Oh, it's a pride thing.
But it's not stupid.
You got the part.
I don't want it.
I got it.
I got it, like, by default.
They double-cast us, and then Mercedes turned it down.
So cool.
You're gonna you're gonna be withdrawing from the race, then.
Look, Finn, when Brittany sang that song about girls changing the world, it got me thinking, you know maybe maybe I can change the world.
By being Student Class President? Look, make fun of it all you want, but you need to start thinking about your future, too.
Oh, did you talk to Kurt about the election? Yeah.
He asked me who I was voting for.
What did you say? I said I didn't know.
Son of a biscuit.
I've lost count again.
Two - Three - I'm so sorry.
I should've believed you when you told me you didn't want me to meet your parents.
I didn't get it.
Emma, stop.
Come on, let's go to bed.
Wh what are you doing? I'm praying.
I do it all the time in my head, but right now, it's just not enough.
And when I need help, I know God hears me better on my knees.
Something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.
I wish I could make things better for you, I I just don't know how.
I don't have any clue what I'm doing down here But I'm willing to learn.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down on your face I promise you that I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down on your face And I Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones Ooh And I will try to fix you.
Corcoran, I hear you're starting a new group.
You're going to need some star power, so here I am.

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