Glee s04e03 Episode Script

4ARC03 - Makeover

So here's what you missed on Glee: Kurt's in New York where he's rooming with Rachel and planning to interview for Vogue.
com.
Rachel's friend, Brody, totally wants to date her, but she's still confused about Finn, and Finn's still in the army, and nobody's heard from him.
- Glee! - Back at McKinley, Mr.
Schue's trying to repeat a win at nationals by repeating assignments from last year.
- Are we doing Britney week again? - That's great.
And Sam's new blonde besties with Brittany, who didn't graduate and thinks she's still president even though all she accomplished last year was a dinosaur prom.
That's what you missed on Glee.
All right, Blaine Anderson, time to change things up.
Last year, it was all about letting the seniors shine.
But this year it's your turn.
Welcome to your life There's no turning back Even while we sleep We will find you Acting on your best behavior Turn your back on Mother Nature Everybody wants to rule the world There's a room where the light won't find you Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down When they do, I'll be right behind you So glad we've almost made it So sad they had to fade it Everybody wants to rule the world Of course, part of the reason I'm doing all these extracurriculars is to fill my days now that Kurt's in New York.
We talk and Skype and text as much as possible, but the only time we're really in sync is when we're hate-watching Treme together.
These songs go on forever, and why isn't there more zydeco? I can't stand this indecision Married with a lack of vision Everybody wants to rule the Say that you'll never, never, never, never need it One headline, why believe it? Everybody wants to rule the world.
What do you think you're doing, Blaine Warbler? I'm running for president.
I've spent the entire weekend trying to choose the absolute perfect outfit because I've snagged an interview at-- drum roll, please-- Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel.
Vogue.
com.
Yes, it's just for an internship, but I haven't been this nervous since I auditioned for NYADA, and we all know how that turned out.
I'm meeting with the new senior editor and designer extraordinaire.
Isabelle Wright, and her stellar reputation precedes her.
She's a style maverick.
She double-majored in fashion design and dead romance languages.
- An iconoclast.
- Rumor has it, She gave Steve Jobs his first black turtleneck.
She's Vogue's rogue.
Miss Wright will see you now.
Hello? Columbus.
- Excuse me? - You're from Lima.
I'm from Columbus.
And actually, I once got food poisoning in Lima at some Italian place, It was Bread - Stix? - Breadstix, yes.
I can't believe you ate at Breadstix.
Well, I wish I hadn't.
Isabelle Wright.
Kurt Hummel.
So, Mr.
Hummel, I have to tell you, I am very impressed with your online resume, especially this gallery of you and your rather bold clothing choices.
- Where did you find all this? - Well, I.
.
I made most of them, And searched the Internet for bargains.
And, uh, that half-sweater there at the bottom, that belonged to my dead aunt, and I found it in her attic.
And the embroidered calico vest was actually inspired by one of your designs.
Oh, yes, my quilted micro skirt collection.
It was an epic fail.
But like you said in Vanity Fair, "I don't trust anyone who hasn't failed big at least once.
" Have a seat.
So, I'm just gonna ask you a couple of routine questions I ask all potential hires.
Who are your fashion icons? Audrey Hepburn, Michelle Obama, and not to kiss up or anything, but you.
And have you done any writing on fashion? Self journaling, mostly.
I did weekly updates and, um, blogs on Project Runway since season one, - and - Wave your magic wand, Where would you be in four years? Working here part-time, graduating from NYADA and, uh, starting my first Broadway show.
I know that sounds presumptuous.
No.
Frankly, you should be more presumptuous, you know? This is New York; It's for dreamers.
It's for people like you, who are just starting out, and people like me who very much want to re-invent themselves.
No, you should dream.
You should dream very, very big.
And then you should work incredibly hard and make sure you do everything in your power to make it happen.
Look, Anna hired me because she said that the Web sites that I designed for my collections were inspired.
So neither myself nor my team can let her down, and that includes you.
- Me? - Well, listen, My friend, anybody who can pull off a hippo brooch deserves to be here.
So welcome to Vogue.
com.
Thank you.
Thank you so - Oh, you're very welcome.
- Sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
That should come with a warning.
Oh, it did.
Artie, can I talk to you for a second? Okay, so I'm running for senior class president again, and I want you to be my VP.
Being vice presidential pick of McKinley High's first two-term president would look really good on your college resume.
I have a 4.
0 GPA, and I scored a 210 on my practice SAT, and I was the only handi-capable member of a national championship glee club.
I'm not really worried about getting into college.
I know how people like you are afraid of the spotlight sometimes, but did you know that Franklin Roosevelt was part robot, too, - and he's on Mount Rushmore? - No, he isn't.
And I'm just going to say it again, - I'm not part robot.
- I realize That I didn't do much as president last year, and if you help me win again this year, I promise to do exactly the same thing, which means I'll be president, and you can make all the boring decisions.
So I could be Cheney to your Bush.
I'd rather be landing strip.
I mean, it's no secret that a woman loves a man in power, and don't take this personally, but before I graduate, I would like to have a relationship that lasts longer than a couple weeks.
Why would I take that personally? - You and I dated.
- We did? Look, you've got yourself a deal.
Cool.
Okay, as you all know, as national champions we get to host the annual Show Choir Rules Committee meeting.
Please tell me you're gonna ask what 1/3 vintage meant last year? Or like, why some teams get to sing six songs and other ones only do one? Speaking of competitions, shouldn't we start like, preparing for ours? I have some ideas which I am working on very hard.
Um I don't really want to give anything away right now I have no ideas.
I'm tapped out.
I spent all last weekend trying to think of something for us to perform, and all I came up with was a scat version of "Carmina Burana.
" - Yes, go ahead.
- Excuse me, I'm not sure if what You were saying was actually important 'cause I wasn't listening but I'd like to make an announcement.
First, I'd like to know if anyone can prove that Blaine was actually born in this country.
Second, I'm wrapping up the election by selecting Artie as my running mate.
Ah! All right.
I think by bridging the human-slash-robot divide, we'll ensure that both students and vending machines will be voting for us.
- Still not a robot.
- Brittany, that's not fair.
This isn't a popularity contest, it's about who's got the best ideas.
It's about believing you can make a change, right? What is that taste in my? Is that sour grape? Brittany.
- Hey, butt-chin.
- Hey, Sue.
I'm making a list of potential themes for our set list at sectionals, and right now I can't decide between classic TV theme songs or a salute to autumn.
William, those are terrible.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
What happened to all my good ideas? Oh, don't kid yourself; you never had any good ideas.
You just didn't notice because you were too busy chasing your bizarre childhood dream of a glee club national championship.
And now that that's over, well, you're waking up to the incessant mind-numbing tedium that is the day-to-day life of a schoolteacher.
Take a look around you, William, at this sad panoply of walking human garbage.
This is what you have to look forward to.
In a few short years, you'll either be an alcoholic morbidly obese or both.
That's what I like to call the Full Charlotte Rae.
Personally, William, I think you should take this opportunity to bow out gracefully and explore other job opportunities.
Now, your penchant for bland, simplistic aphorisms could give you a leg up in the motivational hot-air balloon poster business, and of course, your complete lack of adult friends means you're well on your way to a career as a pedophile birthday clown.
But I love my job.
William, you had a dream, and you achieved it.
Now move on.
Otherwise, you'll end up like that.
Quietly smirking because you just did a little crop-dusting.
Oh, and now you're enjoying the sneaky tickle of your own stink as it ripples up your enormous, soupy butt crack.
Hey, why didn't you ask me to be your running mate? I'm like the perfect candidate.
Well, I didn't want it to ruin our friendship.
I mean, look at Sarah Palin.
She and her grandfather, they were super close, and then he asked her to be his running mate, and they lost, and now they're not even speaking.
But I do think you'd be a great vice president, so I'm going to help you out.
Come here.
Blaine Warbler? I'd like to introduce you to Sam Evans.
Um, we've actually met several times.
He's your candidate for vice president.
Uh, no.
I'm picking my own running mate.
My family's on food stamps, so that will get you the sympathy vote.
I'm not gay, so that'll help with the not-gay vote, and you know, I don't want to brag, but (imitates George W.
My impressions are hilarious It's George Bush, come on.
Okay, sure.
Awesome.
First order of business, Artie and I challenge you and Sam to a debate.
You're on.
What's a debate? I think it's time we tackled something that we have been avoiding for far too long, and I think you all know exactly what I'm talking about.
Leather Leather, but in unexpected ways.
Pitch me.
Okay, it's coming to me.
It's coming to me.
It's Italy.
Saló, 1944.
Belts as punishment.
Belts as reward.
"You can't have a belt! You: put a belt on!" It's faux-fascist.
It's pair it with a chunky boot.
Okay, belts were two years ago, and chunky boots were five years ago.
While we're on the topic of the verboten, I would beg all of you to please, please not offer up a leather platform.
Chase, you know I love you, and I and I love that you're filled with so much passion, so I'm definite I'm going to I'll keep thinking about it, of course.
Okay.
Um Daphne.
Leather socks.
Suede underpants.
Cowhide brassieres.
Daphne, did you go off your meds again? Yes.
Then I want you to stay off because that is sick.
I mean good sick.
That's the that's the kind of sick I want you to be.
You know, that's exactly what I'm talking about, everybody.
I don't want any rules-- just toss them.
You know, let's think out of the box.
Or maybe I don't know.
Maybe that's maybe that's too far out of the box.
Okay, why don't we do this? Let's, uh we'll we're going to take a a little break, and then we will we'll revisit the topic of leather, okay? Kurt, can I can I see you in my office? So, what did you think of the ideas in there? Fascinating.
I hated them.
Look, I-I know I'm just an intern, but I feel like "unexpected leather" should be in the back pages of The Village Voice.
No, I know, I agree, but Mand Mandy, you know, the receptionist, every time I walk by her, she suggests that I do an article on trends in animal hide.
And then her cat died.
Did you know her cat died? So, what, am I going to say no? - So now I'm stuck with leather.
- No, you're not.
There are a million different ideas.
Uh, we could do a music video that pays tribute to the most cutting-edge fashion, right? Well, I told Chase Madison that I would do his piece on Spanx for cankles: "Spankles.
" Oh, God.
I'm an artist, not a manager.
I I can't say no to anybody.
I can't bear it.
You know, I'm I'm used to knocking on doors, not bolting them shut.
Back in the day, if I had an idea-- a crazy idea-- I knew if it was good based on my instinct.
And now crazy ideas just seem crazy to me.
You know, like, uh, uh uh, high-heeled galoshes or, um, equestrian underwear-- what? And I can't I can't land anything.
I just feel like I lucked into a job that I don't deserve, and I honestly, I-I-I I have no idea what I'm doing.
My collection was a failure.
I can't fail at this.
And I just rented a one-bedroom apartment in Midtown so I could walk to work.
But now I'm not going to have a job to walk to or an apartment to walk from.
I'm going to be homeless.
Hey, hey.
You are not going to be homeless.
All right? You can always come stay with me and my roommate in Bushwick.
Oh, God.
Brittany, I just got a copy of Jacob Ben Israel's latest presidential poll.
The good news is 90% of respondents said they're planning on attending Friday's debate.
That's cool.
So what's the bad news? they were coming to hear you say something st stu They think I'm going to say something stupid.
But, see, you're not stupid.
You're really creative.
Your brain exists in this magical other dimension where anything is possible.
It's really amazing.
We just need to focus on a little preparation.
If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm a little worried that my picking you as a running mate is going to seem like a desperate grab for the straight vote if you don't really look like a serious candidate, you know? What do you mean, pilgrim? - Was that John Wayne? - Yeah.
I panicked.
Okay, listen.
When's your next free period? I need you to meet me in the costume shop.
Brittany S.
Pierce, how do you react to the characterization of your first term in office as one in which you didn't do anything at all until prom? I would describe that as entirely accurate.
Okay.
Test scores at McKinley have gone down six percent every year for the past decade.
- What would you do to fix the problem? - Stop giving tests.
They're hard, and there's way too many of them.
What is your favorite color? Filipino.
They're very hard workers, and family is very important to them.
You know what? Let's talk wardrobe.
Oh, make me over I'm all I wanna be A walking study In demonology Hey, so glad you could make it Yeah, now you really made it Hey, so glad you could make it now Oh look at my face My name is might have been My name is never was My name's forgotten Hey, so glad you could make it Yeah, now you really made it Hey There's only us left now When I wake up in my makeup Have you ever felt so used up as this? It's all so sugarless Hooker, waitress Model, actress, oh, just go nameless Honeysuckle, she's full of poison She obliterated everything she kissed Now she's fading Somewhere in Hollywood I'm glad I came here with your pound of flesh You want a part of me Well, I'm not selling cheap No, I'm not selling cheap.
Okay.
First off, I'd just like to say what an honor it is to have been asked to lead the annual Show Choir Committee meeting.
- Which of these snacks are gluten free? - I guess the carrots are.
Did it state so on the package? Because you do not want to deal with me - if I've got gluten in my system.
- We really need - to get started, Mr.
Rumba.
- What? - We really need to get started.
- Well, why didn't you say so? I did-- several times.
Well, I didn't hear you.
You know I have complete loss of hearing - in my left ear-- scarlet fever.
- Uh, Birdie, You had mentioned you wanted to discuss some of the redistricting bylaws.
I've been doing some research, and it turns out - in Article 12 - I'm so bored.
What is wrong with me? This is what I've always wanted.
I won Nationals.
I'm I'm in charge of this committee.
But it feels so meaningless.
Do all teachers feel this at some point? When Regionals occur in a leap year Oh, this is pointless! I didn't know how to tell you guys - but my glee club lost its funding.
- Oh, my God.
We're done.
We can't even complete the season.
I know that everybody likes to make fun of the deaf choir, but my kids have a song in their heart; they're not going to be able to sing it.
For some of them, it's the only thing that brings them any happiness.
It's the only thing that brings me any happiness besides my extreme couponing and muscle relaxers.
I'm so sorry.
- Is there anything we can do? - Yeah.
You can watch your back, because you're next.
We're all dead.
The money for the arts has dried up.
What we need is representation on that blue-ribbon government panel to get arts - back in the schools.
- There was a huge debate over that in Congress.
Oh, they don't care about us.
They don't want to have anything to do with show choir directors; They want bigwigs like Meryl Streep or Demi Lovato.
Maybe they'll take a show choir director who just won Nationals and wants to make a difference in this world.
- Go for it.
- Highly unlikely.
I'm going to have a shame Triscuit.
I don't care if I have to spend all night on the potty.
Yeah, I swear it.
It was like a deleted scene from The Exorcist that was cut because it was actually too scary.
- Oh, chilling.
- And then I tried I tried to be, like, nice and, you know, smile, but then the black swans said to me I didn't know Lena Dunham was joining us today.
I'm sorry, but did I do something to offend you? Your outfit did.
It's at least a decade away from even being considered for ironic-retro.
It's a tragedy What Not to Wear doesn't do two-hour specials.
You know, part of why I was so excited to come to New York was because I thought it would be a chance for me to start over, reinvent myself.
I had no idea that it was going to be so exactly the same.
- You know why you feel exactly the same? - Hmm? Because you're still dressing exactly the same.
We're not in Ohio any more, Rachel.
And even then, it's not like we were on trend.
I hate to say this, but life is like high school.
Styles and clothes determine the pecking order.
Well, I don't know what you expect me to do.
It's not like I can afford an entire new wardrobe.
Who says you'll have to pay for it? Put down your chopsticks and follow me.
I got an idea.
It's almost midnight.
What are you talking about? I'm about to change your life.
And maybe mine, too.
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
- Take a picture of me.
- Come on, quick, quick, quick.
Check this out.
This is unbelievable.
Wait, I'm scared.
Don't leave me.
Oh, my God.
I can't even breathe.
They call this the Couture Vault.
It supposedly can withstand a nuclear blast.
Okay, I'll set up the camera.
Freeze! - Kurt.
- Oh, uh I thought you were going to be At dinner with Steve Buscemi and Yoko Ono.
Well, they canceled again.
What are you doing here? And who is that? I'm Rachel Berry-- I'm Kurt's roommate.
He We were going to do a music video for the Web site.
- He adores you.
- Rachel was going to get a makeover, And she was going to model some clothes.
Stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
You had me at "makeover.
" Someday When I'm awfully low When the world is cold I will feel a glow Just thinking of you But you're never fully dressed without a smile Oh, it's lovely With your smile so warm And your cheeks so soft There is nothing for me But to love you But you're never fully dressed without a smile Who cares what they're wearing From Main Street to Saville Row? It's what you wear from ear to ear And not from head to toe Lover Never, never change Keep that breathless charm Won't you please arrange it? 'Cause I love you Remember, you're never fully dressed Without a smile Ba da-da, ba da-da Ba da-da, ba da-da Ba da-da-da Bum-bum-bye You're never fully dressed Without a smile Lover Never, never change Keep that breathless charm Won't you please arrange it 'Cause I love you But you're never fully dressed Without a Smile Smile Smile Just the Way you look tonight.
- And that was just the rough cut.
- No, it's genius.
And Rachel looks so gorgeous, the whole looks so like, professional, like a real fashion video that you'd seen on TV or something.
So what's the next step? Well, uh, ideally the dream would be that Isabelle would see it, and love it, and then put it on Vogue.
com.
But I mean, she's already committed to so many other concepts that No, Kurt, of course she's going to choose yours.
She's gonna pick yours.
And then, after we made over Rachel, Isabelle took us to this place called Gray's Papaya and we had guava juice and hot dogs.
- Wow.
- It was amazing.
You're hanging out with fashion goddess Isabelle Wright.
And I'm running for Student Body President with a former stripper.
Oh my gosh, I forgot about that! How's it going? It's going okay.
But, um, I did want to ask you what bow tie you thought I should wear for tomorrow's debate.
I have narrowed it down to five, but mainly I have Bow ties are your signature, whatever you choose is gonna look great on you.
- Hi, Blaine, we miss you! - Oh, Rachel says hi.
Oh, hi, Rachel.
By the way, one more question about the video.
That scene where she plays the East Village It Girl-- did you think that was too much? No, it's I don't know.
Oh, good, good, good.
'Cause I didn't either, but she was a little skeptical.
But I said she was very Chloe Sevigny chic, right? - Yeah? Good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And then, oh my God, I found this sweater in the vault that was to die for! Hi.
Hi.
I know I don't have an appointment, but, uh I really needed to speak to my guidance counselor, and not my fiancée.
Well, please have a seat, Mr.
Schuester.
Mr.
Schuester.
As you know, all I've ever wanted was to make a difference.
Change people's lives.
Make them better.
I'd like to think that I've done that in my time here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Winning Nationals, Seeing most of the kids graduate.
Right, you have a lot to be proud of here.
But now I have this once in a lifetime opportunity in front of me.
- A chance to make a difference on a whole new level.
- Okay.
So they're they're assembling a blue-ribbon panel to improve arts education around the country.
I filled out the application, but I haven't sent it in yet.
This looks amazing.
If I were to get this I would have to leave McKinley for several months.
Paid for by the District, but I'd be away from the kids.
Oh.
Um Okay.
I You know we've been telling these kids for years to follow their dreams no matter what, so Yeah.
I'm not going to tell you to do the opposite.
I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize this-this new life we're about to begin together.
It's not gonna change a thing.
Okay? Weddings can wait.
You have to apply for this position.
And if you get it, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Together.
Attention, miniscule segment of the student body.
Principal Figgins is out this week, with what he describes as religious fever.
And I am forced to moderate these proceedings.
Hey, dude, uh, now that you made me over, - can I give you some advice? - Yeah, sure.
- Lose the bow tie.
- What? Yeah, trust me, it makes you look uptight and a little like a young Orville Redenbacher.
Just take it off.
Okay.
You know what? Actually, it's you're actually right.
- Thank you.
- There are two new utterly disheartening wrinkles to this year's absolutely pointless contest.
First, the horrifying fact that this year's slate of candidates consists entirely of Glee Club members.
And secondly, the inexplicable introduction of a vice presidential field for no discernable reason whatsoever.
Separation of powers! Whoo! So let's meet these second-tiered losers.
You know them as the pimp and the gimp.
Artie Abrams and Sam Evans.
Stumbles, my first question is for you.
Who, in God's name, gives a hot, wet, steamy dump about student government? I do.
And I think everyone in this room should, too.
First of all, student government isn't just a way for us to pad our college résumés.
It's a way for us to take an active role in our own education.
Study after study shows that an active student body is a successful student body.
Okay, moving on.
Student government is just the beginning.
We need more after-school programs, and better-qualified staff to support our teachers, who are overworked and underpaid.
- Oh, dear God.
- And that's just the beginning.
I want to talk about the cafeteria, 'cause I believe at the beginning of every year to see if enough to support our brain activity That's one of the many goals I promise to reach by the midway point of my first term, as outlined in my 96-point Pierce-Abrams Road map To Restore McKinley's Future.
Merciful sweet Jesus, thank you.
Sam Evans, your response? I wasn't really listening.
Whatever Artie said, I agree with that.
Our next question is from the Twitter.
@HungrySouthMouth asks Sam Evans, "Rumor has it you were a stripper.
Aren't you ashamed?" No, I'm not.
In fact - Whoo - Shake that Students at this school have every right to be angry.
Last year's student council, led by my opponent, was the most ineffectual in a generation.
Brittany S.
Pierce, in her last term, accomplished absolutely nothing, except plan a dinosaur-themed prom and ban the use of hair gel.
Ladies and gentlemen, telling anyone what they can or cannot put into their hair is disgusting.
It's the first step towards tyranny, my friends.
Next thing you know, they'll start burning books.
And then they'll probably start burning people, too.
That's a lie.
This tyranny all ends today, McKinley.
I want to offer you a change.
And I am that change.
Let's make history, Titans.
And vote Anderson-Evans.
Thank you.
Sweet, simple Brittany.
What say you? Uh I love you.
I love you so much, McKinley High School.
Simple as that.
In fact I think that everyone should love this school as much as I do.
If you elect me as president, I promise to outlaw summer vacation, so we'll have school all year round.
That means we'll spend every day of every summer indoors with all our friends, in McKinley High School's award-winning air conditioning.
Also, I promise to end McKinley High School's policy of having weekends.
If you make me your president, Saturday and Sunday will be illegal, so that Monday will come right after Friday, which is the funnest day anyways.
Vote Brittany and Artie.
Thank you so much.
We just lost the election.
Kurt, can I see you for a minute? You might want to sit down for this.
I saw your video, and I forwarded it to Anna.
Am I fired? That is the first time that I've heard "great" from Anna.
I am gonna print that and frame it.
Does does this mean - they're gonna put the video on the Web site? - Sort of.
We're gonna reshoot the whole thing in Bali with Karolína Kurková, but you're getting credit - for the idea.
- Oh, my Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- And thank you so much for helping out with Rachel.
She went home that night and threw away her reindeer sweater, which is a huge deal for her.
Ah, she already seems so much more confident, you know? It's so funny how a new image can change everything.
Oh I sure hope you never lose that.
What? Oh, just your unbridled, wide-eyed, Lima, Ohio optimism.
You know, I had an instinct about you, Kurt Hummel, and so far, it's proven to be correct.
I feel like we're real kindred spirits, don't you? I agree.
Can I please just say that I think you're the best-dressed fairy godmother an intern like me could ever have? Well, then, can your fairy godmother give you a little bit of advice? You have quite the aptitude for fashion.
And I know it's your dream to go to NYADA, but sometimes dreams can change, and I really would not be surprised if someday, every A-lister in this town was fighting for one of your designs.
So which "leather" pitch are we running with? Oh, actually, you know what? We're gonna toss the whole thing and start from scratch.
We're gonna meet here in two hours.
Oh, and, um Kurt will be joining us.
I'm famished.
Let's go to Indochine.
Wow.
Hm.
You look incredible.
They say that you haven't settled into New York City until you've had your first makeover.
Mine took six months.
Oh, really? Like you need a makeover? Every girl in school wants to date you.
True.
But four years ago, I was a scrawny kid from backwater Montana, with a bad haircut and a unibrow.
And seniors took me under their wing, introduced me to waxes and the gym, - and they changed my life.
- Yeah.
It's pretty amazing what a good makeover can do.
It's like you change the outside, and then the inside just follows.
I think it's the other way around.
I think now your outside has caught up to how you feel about yourself.
Hmm.
I like that.
I like you.
So what are you working on? Just a new number.
I like to do something every day, just to keep my machine well-oiled.
Oh, me too.
I love that song.
Do you, uh want to sing it with me? Ten years living in a paper bag Feedback baby, he's a flipped-out cat He's a platinum canary drinkin' Falstaff beer Mercedes rule and a rented Lear Bottom feeder, insincere High-fed, low-fat pioneer Sell the house and go to school Pretty young girlfriend, daddy's jewel A change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good Good, good, good it'll do-do Good, good, good it'll do-do-do Whoa whoa-whoa Whoo! Whoa Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good Chasing dragons with plastic swords Jack off Jimmy, everybody wants more Scully and Angel on the kitchen floor And I'm calling Buddy on the Ouija board I've been thinking 'bout catching a train Leave my phone machine by the radar range Hello, it's me, I'm not at home If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good Hello, it's me, I'm not at home If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good I-I think a change A change would do you good Would do you good A change would do you good Would do you good! That was amazing.
You're amazing.
What are you doing tomorrow tonight? I want to cook you dinner.
Attention, students: Your record-low election votes have been tallied, and we have a winner.
Becky, can I get a xylophone flourish? No? Not feeling it? Okay.
This year's Student Council President is How do you do? How you doing? - Congratulations, Mr.
President.
- Thank you, Artie.
Losing the bow tie, that was your game changer-- kudos.
No hard feelings.
Maybe I can find a place for you in my administration.
No, thanks; I got what I needed.
Sugar asked me out on a date.
She invited me horseback riding.
I'm just hoping it doesn't involve being towed.
- You talk to Kurt? - Uh, yeah, yeah.
He was super proud of me and he's really excited.
He's already planning a whole inaugural ball.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks.
You know, I have not stepped foot inside a Manhattan movie theater since the bedbug scare.
And this is a fact: They prefer to lay their eggs in couture.
That's true.
Who wouldn't? I'm not lying.
What's the last movie you saw? The last Ooh, you know what? The last movie I saw was a double feature.
It was, um, Unmarried Woman and The Red Balloon.
You weren't bored.
No, no, I wasn't even That's okay.
There's the man of the hour.
You all right? You know, it didn't hit me until right now: I came to McKinley for Kurt-- that's it.
And now he's gone, and even with Glee Club, it just I feel really, really alone.
You're kind of killing my party buzz, bro.
I'm sorry, it's just that I did all of this for him, I did all of this for him.
And now he's not here.
And so it just kind of feels like none of it matters.
Of course it matters.
You're McKinley's "First Gay Guy President.
" Nobody cares about that.
Look, before you, Kurt was the first gay kid I met.
Don't get me wrong, he's great, but I just don't really get his Bravo jokes or the fashion thing or Broadway.
You and me, it's different, you know? I never had a gaybro before.
We'd be like Wolverine and Cyclops, you know, show people how we're cool with each other.
And you know, if you ask me, that's what matters.
Thanks, man.
You're right.
But just so we're clear I'm Wolverine.
I'm I said it first.
Congratulations, Blaine Warbler.
Thank you, Brit.
Cool.
Congratulations to you, Mr.
Vice President.
The people have spoken.
Can I let you in on a little secret? I like secrets.
I voted for you.
What? Thank you.
I would've voted for you, too, but I-I just really wanted to win.
I know losing sucks, but you know, sometimes it can be a good thing.
Look at Al Gore.
He lost an election, then he won an Oscar.
He did? You think so? I don't know how you do it.
What? You just always know exactly the right thing to say.
It's a gift.
You win.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I'm taking Sue Sylvester's advice.
I mailed in the application.
Congratulations, William.
I think it's the right decision.
Yeah.
There's only one problem.
I need a written recommendation from a colleague, and I was thinking I'm one step ahead of you, butt-chin.
I took the liberty of composing a letter to the Arts Governing Board outlining your astonishing accomplishments.
"Not only is William a direct descendant of Harriet Tubman, he delivered my infant child with his bare hands"? Sue, Sue, this isn't even true.
Well, what can I say, William? I want you out of here.
And for the first time, I think I mean that in a good way.
Oh, my God Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh Wow.
You're smokin'.
Oh, it's actually the duck.
No, no.
It's, it's you.
Come in.
I really wanted to cook you dinner, but this is what you get.
- This is, this is good.
- Pizza.
Food is food.
It's, it's the effort that counts.
A girl has never cooked me dinner before.
I don't believe you.
No.
No one has ever even tried.
I'm trying new things.
Doing new things, it's all part of you know, the new me.
And I like it.
I like, I like the new me.
I've never been the cook-a-guy-dinner type.
I've always been the just annoy-a-guy-for-a-year until-he-finally- gives-in type.
Well, tell, tell me about this old Rachel.
- Tell me a secret.
- A secret? Something that you don't want anyone else to know.
Okay, but you first.
- Okay.
- Think of something very good.
- Okay, so, um, when I was a kid - Mm-hmm.
- I was obsessed with Ace of Base.
- No.
Yes.
I was-- seriously, I had the posters on my wall.
Wait.
I thought you said you were straight.
Oh, come on.
Hot girls playing all their own instruments is straighter than straight.
Moon river, wider than a mile Thank you.
You're welcome Your turn.
My turn, okay.
Um, I have a good one.
When I was eight years old, I got my first love letter from a guy named Tony.
And he was very cute.
And when he gave it to me, I corrected all of the grammatical errors and his spelling errors and gave it back to him.
That's so embarrassing.
I've never told anybody that before, not even Finn.
Well, just so you know, no matter how lovely this is, I'm hands-off.
Just friends.
We're after The same Rainbow's end Waitin' round the bend My huckleberry friend Moon river And me.
It's Kurt.
He keeps forgetting his keys.