Glee s05e02 Episode Script

Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

So how does it work with gay marriage? Do you take his last name or does he take yours? Or do you both hyphenate? Right now, I'm honestly just excited that Kurt said yes.
Hey, are you looking forward to prom? I fell asleep last night while Tina was texting me about her prom dress.
- - It's very nice that you're going with her, by the way.
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know.
I just-You know, it's my senior prom so I kinda wish I was going with somebody I really care about.
Damn, I have seriously been unlucky in love.
Come on, guys.
We're back with the Beatles.
We're leaving the mop-tops behind and moving into their experimental years.
Now the Rubber Soul album marked a turning point for the group where they literally and figuratively let their hair down.
Now the Beatles were the biggest musical act in the world.
They could've remained in their comfort zones but instead they risked everything to explore new musical worlds.
They had something important to say and they weren't gonna let something as silly as the fear of failure get in their way.
Good afternoon, McKinley High.
This year all the proms are being fused into one giant brundle-prom.
- What's a brundle-prom? - I don't get that reference.
That's from The Fly.
And now for the moment that will crush 99% of your misguided views about your own popularity here are your nominees for prom king and queen.
First here are your nominees for prom king.
Blaine Anderson- Muhammad Omar - Artie Abrams- - Yeah! And Stoner Brett Bukowski.
Wait, I really didn't get nominated for king? - And now on to the queens.
- Please let it be me, God.
Please let it be me, Yahweh.
Please let it be me.
- Kitty Wilde- - But I'm a sophomore.
- Amy Ryan- - Yes.
Jordan Stern and, inexplicably Tina Cohen-Chang.
Yes! Yes! Congratulations.
Six of you will be disappointed.
- Yeah! Yes! - Tina, wow! Even though I'm not nominated, it's such an honor to be going to prom with a potential queen.
Oh.
Sorry, Sam.
It was so nice of you to offer to go with me, but I'm gonna have to decline your invitation.
- But you already accepted.
- Yeah.
Tina, this is very uncool.
Losing is uncool.
I need to maximize my odds of taking the crown so I think I'm gonna go with a group of single gals to corner the dejected wallflower vote and I am going for it.
This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus.
So can I count on all your votes? Awkward.
Got mine.
Besides, I've got more shots at prom queen.
- It's Tina's time.
- I agree.
Hit it.
Later.
Later.
- Seriously? - Congratulations, Tina.
Seriously? That's it.
My dreams of playing Fanny Brice are over.
I'm sure it isn't over.
If I got it, I would've heard by now.
Okay? And-And-And the thing is is that I wasn't just auditioning for this for myself.
I was auditioning for everyone in McKinley.
I wanted to show that we're talented enough to make it in this insane business.
Okay, well, one of us sort of already did.
I booked a commercial.
It's a little embarrassing because it was for that yeast infection medication, Yeast-l-Stat.
But they sent me a rough cut.
Do you wanna see? Yeah.
Let's face it- there are good kinds of yeast and bad kinds of yeast.
But bad yeast goes scat with Yeast-l-Stat.
Burns and itch are a thing of the past.
And Yeast-l-Stat's seven-easy-step application makes feeling fresh a breeze.
I like yeast in my bagel but not in my muffin.
I'm free.
Wow.
That's-That's great.
Honestly, if it were anyone else, I'd be so jealous.
But I'm-I'm-I'm really proud of you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, hi, Kitty.
Can I talk to you for a second? I was so psyched that a fellow Cheerio was nominated for prom queen.
Thanks, Bree.
And then I heard that you weren't going to campaign for it and instead you were throwing your support to that Asian girl from Glee Club because you thought it was her turn.
Now if that's true, you might wanna tie yourself down because this is gonna be a rough ride.
I just wanted to remind you that a Cheerio has not won prom queen for several years now.
We've had prom queens from Glee Club including the Jewish girl and a gay dude.
And if we're not careful, I swear to God we're gonna have a black transsexual named Unique as prom queen before we have a Cheerio as prom queen.
Now I know you're thinking to yourself "But O.
M.
G.
, Bree, I love the Asian girl from Glee Club.
" Well, punch yourself in the face so I don't have to.
I do not give a flying fart, and the Cheerios do not give a flying fart about how much you love your sisters from Glee Club.
You have 51 weeks out of the year to love your sisters from Glee Club and this week is not-I repeat- not one of them.
This week is about winning prom queen for the Cheerios.
And that's not gonna happen if you're off campaigning for Kimchi Cohen-Barf or whoever.
Are you an idiot, Kitty? That's not a rhetorical question.
I literally want you to tell me if you're mentally slow so I can be sure you're not nominated for future prom courts.
Sam.
I didn't know you were gonna be in here.
Oh.
Hey, Mr.
Schue.
- Ah! - Yeah.
A lot of people say that the Beatles are, like, the best band ever, right? - That's right.
- Well, what if I told you that the Beatles wrote exactly zero songs about what it feels like when you tell a girl that you don't think is hot you'll go to prom with her because you feel bad.
And then you think you're gonna get nominated for prom king and then you don't and then the not-hot girl says, "I don't wanna go to prom with you anymore.
" - Would you still say they're the greatest band ever? - Hey, there, butt-chin.
Ah, Samgelina Jolie.
Oh, I hate to interrupt the blatantly homoerotic overtones of whatever the two of you are on the verge of crying about so I will be brief.
Now seeing as how your students in the Glee Club come and go for weeks at a time with no explanation whatsoever I'm sure that it will not come to you as a surprise that we have an abysmal attendance record at this school due to illness.
Therefore, I am instituting mandatory vaccinations at this school starting with your pansexual orgy of future patient zeros, the Glee Club.
When you say vaccinations, do you mean shots? That's right, imbecile homeless teen drifter.
And we will begin with the polio vaccine.
Sue, polio was all but eradicated in the 1950s.
Or so they'd have us believe.
I saw a documentary last night on F.
D.
R and it made me very suspicious about that Glee kid in the wheelchair.
Artie? He was in a car accident as a kid.
There is a meningitis outbreak in Los Angeles.
Mercedes Jones recently returned from Los Angeles.
Wait, I cannot get a vaccination.
Needles totally freak me out.
Sue, I'm all about keeping the kids in this school healthy, but this is ridiculous.
Hey, I would watch your tone with me if I were you, Busted Timberfake.
I'm not your coworker anymore.
I'm your boss.
And what I say goes.
And if you and Nipples the stripping clown don't get your shots by the end of the week, you're fired.
- What's going on in here? - Carmen Tibideaux needed volunteers for the annual NYADA piano tuning.
So did you hear about Santana's good news? - That she doesn't have a yeast infection? - I'm really happy for her.
Okay, what's wrong with you, because the Rachel I know would be furious at Santana for breezing into town and beating us at booking the first gig.
You have lost your mojo obsessing over this part.
We can't let our feelings of self-worth be determined by some part in a play.
That's easy for you to say.
You just got engaged.
True, but I'm not pinning all my future happiness on it.
I'm telling you, you've got to get your mojo back.
Right here, right now, this second.
- Huh.
- Oh, no.
- Hello? - Hey.
Hi.
Oh, are you here for your polio meningitis cocktail? I wasn't sure if I should call it polingitis or meningiolio.
I like the second.
It sounds like Italian food.
Gonna give him a shot he can't refuse.
Anyways, yes, I am here for my shots.
But to be honest, I'm kind of freaked out by needles.
And even if I wasn't, I'd kind of be freaked out by you with a needle.
- Saw you kill that sausage.
- Oh, Go-Yeah, that.
I know.
I had kind of an extended panic attack during the two weeks we studied injections last semester.
Wait, you're not a real nurse? I'm a sophomore in college.
This is kind of an internship to help me get into nursing school.
Okay! Ready for a shot? Is that the same needle you put in that sausage? Good eye.
You know what? I'm-I'm just gonna- I'm just gonna come back later, okay? It's cool meeting you.
- Penny Owen.
- Sam Evans.
Here are the latest prom poll numbers and your 3:00 coffee.
I said no caffeine until prom.
I can't afford to look tired like some sad, anemic dishrag.
What is with these numbers? There's been a sudden spike in Kitty's popularity.
Kitty? This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Tina, I didn't put these up.
That's not even me.
That's my head photoshopped onto Olivia Munn.
Oh, please.
I should have known that when you weirdly said you'd support me it was just some classic backstabby, gas-lighty Kitty mind game.
Hey, uh, what's with these posters? I thought you were supporting Tina.
And why is your head photoshopped onto Olivia Munn's body from February 2011? - What? I read Maxim.
- Don't worry, Tina.
Come on.
This is Tina's one big chance to finally get what she wants.
Why does no one believe me? Oh, right.
The habitual lying.
I dig your name.
So do you think that your parents like, knew that you were gonna grow up to be a lesbian giving you a boy name? - I'm not a lesbian.
- Oh, uh- You just wear so much eyeliner.
No, I'm totally kidding.
I love lady parts.
Dani is short for Danielle.
And, no, I don't think they knew.
My parents are actually kinda D-bags.
They caught me making out with a girl in the basement, and all hell broke loose.
I grabbed my guitar and never looked back.
- What about you? - My parents are pretty cool.
Grandma not so much.
I had a girlfriend, and she was bi.
Any chance of you guys getting back together? I love her, but, um, that's over.
I mean, it's probably for the best.
I think you need a 100% Sapphic goddess.
Um, I think I'm gonna go get the salt- the salt sh-shakers.
Shakers.
Oh, my God, I am sensing some serious energy exchanges happening over there.
No.
Help me, okay? I'm getting that stinky panic sweat under my boobs.
Why? She's cute, she's sweet, she's gay.
Ask her out.
Okay, I've never been with an actual lesbian.
It's been all bisexuals like Brittany or college girls trying to experiment.
You're scared.
I've never seen you scared before.
- It's so cute.
- You tell no one of this.
Seriously.
I think that I might like her, and it is terrifying.
Listen, she seems like a really smart girl.
And if she's a smart girl, then she's not gonna miss out on an opportunity to be with someone as amazing as you.
- You're right.
- Okay? - She's smart.
- Okay, go quickly now.
Okay.
We're gonna go pick up our tux rentals.
You coming? Could you guys grab mine for me? I need to go to the nurse's office- snakebite.
- That looks like a human bite.
- From a really big mouth.
You sure you didn't bite yourself and pretend it was a snake? - Now why would I do that? - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe for the exact same reason- Why you left math to get a Band-aid for your hangnail? She's gonna be at the prom chaperoning.
You can always just take it slow and ask her for a dance.
She'll stop liking me, okay? The key for me is to only spend a few minutes with a girl and then get away.
My personality is like a radioactive asteroid.
Spend too much time with it, and it could kill you.
That's insane.
You have an amazing personality.
You have all of your impressions.
And-And all of your impressions.
I was thinking of doing my Denzel impression for her.
All right, all right.
I'm coming for you.
And when I do, she didn't drink the vodka.
I drank the vodka.
Remember those Titans.
All right, Training Day.
You better come correct 'cause I'm coming for you.
And when I do, it's your day to train.
Training day is here.
My man, all right.
Embrace the Beatles mantra.
Charge forth fearlessly.
You may get hurt, but some girls are worth it and I have a feeling you think she is.
Go get 'em, Denzel.
Wh-Why are you packing up your things? Sue fired me for incompetence.
I was giving one of her Cheerios a urine test and another one a vaccination, and I got my vials all mixed up.
And, well, you can guess what happened.
- Well, you-you can't leave.
- Why? 'Cause we only hung out once so far, and it wasn't for long, but I had a great time with you.
- And, well, you're like almost totally normal and cool.
- Really? All right.
I want you to give me my shot.
If you can get me to take the shot Sue will have to see how great of a nurse you are and keep you.
One of these days, I'm gonna get this right.
Might as well be today.
- You can't fire her.
- Who? Nurse Penny.
You can't get rid of her.
I mean, I've been terrified of needles my entire life and she just used her impressive nursing skills and nurturing bedside manner and gave me a meningitis shot in my butt.
I'm sorry, but your mouth is incredibly distracting.
Please put a pair of white cotton panties over your head and cover up that horizontal talking moose knuckle.
Just promise me Penny still has a job here.
Oh, I believe someone's got a little crush.
Nah, I don't.
I don't have- Fine.
You've convinced me.
Nurse Bumble McQuirkypoops will remain at McKinley High.
I could use a new plaything.
You know, yesterday I asked her for two aspirin and she accidentally gave me steroids.
Which means I can finally stop buying from Mark McGwire.
Oh! He always wants to hang out, and I just wanna get the hell out of his house.
Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my office.
Tina for prom queen.
Don't be racist.
Vote for Tina.
Vote for Tina.
Don't be racist.
If you don't vote for Tina, you're a racist.
You're doing okay, Dottie.
- How do you know my name? - Come on.
Everyone knows Dottie Kazatori.
Tina Cohen-Chang's personal slave.
Break it down.
You hate Tina, don't you? I do wish she'd hurry up and graduate.
How would you like to be on the Cheerios? That's, like, my life's dream.
That's why you're perfect for our little plan.
Mazel Berry, looks like you're gonna make it through your first graveyard shift without collapsing.
- What is that? - The latest edition of Backstage hot off the presses.
Hot off the presses? What does that mean? I'm over my fear of rejection, and I'm no longer afraid of failing.
I'm auditioning for everything I'm remotely right for including but not limited to the role of Bottom at the Cape Cod Players' production of Midsummer and also Annie Sullivan's landlady in The Miracle Worker now casting at the New Jersey Theater for the Deaf.
Where do you think you're going? You still have 10 minutes and two dozen sugar caddies to caddy.
See, I thought that that was something that you and Dani could do alone.
Okay, no.
Come on.
You are not playing Yentl the lesbian matchmaker.
I'm so tired.
I have to get home.
No, you're not.
I've been here all da- Bye, Rachel.
See you tomorrow.
Good-bye, Dani.
Aren't you heading out too? No, not yet.
I like to watch the sunrise over that building.
I just love how the diner goes from being quiet and dark to suddenly just glowing.
- I've never seen it.
- Well, stick around.
We'll watch it together.
Okay.
- Well, this is where I get off.
- So I guess that's good-bye? For now.
See ya around.
Stick with me, dateless ladies, and you'll have a great time.
Hope I got all your votes.
Oh, hey.
Didn't see you there.
You know, it seems like someone convinced Sue to unfire me.
That person must really like you.
Hey, were you faking being sick all week? I even bit myself once.
You know you don't have to just stand here, right? - Oh, I know, but- - You can- As a minor league nurse, figured I should be on standby for any dancing-related injuries.
I'm the one who's most likely to go out there and hurt myself on the dance floor so as a minor league nurse it is kind of your responsibility to dance with me.
God, I don't-I don't know.
I bust moves literally.
I'm taking those.
Oh, my God, Tina.
Your dress is so pretty.
Thank you so much.
It's designer.
I hope you guys voted for Tina.
You guys look beautiful.
Psst! Come here.
- Everything set? - Yes.
Did you add extra shards of ice? Yes.
And I bought the Slushees in Toledo so no one could link me to the crime.
Oh, my God.
I just remembered.
I've got a viola lesson tonight.
Oh, I know you're not backing out at the last minute.
I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life being a pathetic bottom feeder.
You wet your bed until seventh grade.
- Fact- - Stop, stop.
Okay.
I'll d-I'll do it.
- I'll do it.
- Showtime.
Congratulations, New Directions, on accomplishing the impossible.
You've made me hate the Beatles.
Your nominations for prom king are: Stoner Brett, Blaine Anderson Artie Abrams and that radical cleric kid.
And now your nominees for prom queen.
Neck brace Cheerio Asian number one Kitty I-forget-your-last-name and some other chick.
And now here's the moment you've all been waiting for because your lives are so devoid of meaning something like this seems very important.
This can't be right.
Okay, what the hell do I care, huh? Your prom king and prom queen are Stoner Brett and Tina Cohen-Chang.
Stoner Brett! No! What the hell? This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus.
This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus.
This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus.
We need to get you out of those wet clothes and into something dry.
Just leave me like this.
I swear.
I just thought for one lousy night of my life I could be that girl.
But who am I kidding? I'm not that girl.
- And I will never be that girl.
- Tina, where are you going? I'm going home, Sam.
Hey, Tina, stop.
You have two choices and whichever one you pick, we will be supportive but we can either drive you home or we can clean you up and you can go back out there and own that prom.
This is your prom, Queen T.
I can't go back in there.
I don't even have a dress to wear.
- You can have mine.
- Or mine.
Or mine.
Although it would be a crime to break this look.
Come on, Tina.
We're all with you.
You want to be that girl? Then go be that girl.
I'm Tina Cohen-Chang, and I accept your crown! Long live prom! Ow, ow, ow.
Now get! - Ow! Ow.
- Sit down.
- Who is this? - Bree.
This is the girl responsible for the giant Slushee bucket at prom.
No, I mean, literally who is this? She's in a Cheerios uniform, but I swear I've never seen her before.
- You put me on the team.
- A black Cheerio.
You think I'd remember a black Cheerio.
It's not like we get a lot of 'em.
Sue Sylvester, this girl needs to be punished.
Now I'll admit that when the bucket of goo hit the Asian girl in the head, it was hilarious.
Then the bucket itself fell and hit the stoner kid in the head knocked him straight to the ground.
Priceless.
Top-notch entertainment.
But that does not change the fact that this girl right here needs to understand that pulling hilarious, top-notch pranks has consequences.
She should be suspended.
Bree I am promoting you to captain of the Cheerios - and buying you a Le Car.
- What? - What? - Chocolate Cheerio- Oh, that evil glimmer in your eye reminds me of a young Sue Sylvester.
You found a brand-new way to go after the Glee Club.
And I want you to keep at it.
I thought you said you wanted the Glee Club to win nationals.
I do, but the Glee Club needs an enemy.
The only time they were any good was when I was hell-bent on destroying them.
Plus I once sang on stage with them in plaid pajamas and ever since, I don't think they find me quite so scary.
I want you to go after the Glee Club with all you've got.
I want it to get weird.
I want you to pull something so psychotic that they can't help but start crying when they think about it in the middle of the inevitable Journey song they'll sing to win at nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment.
You got it? I think I need an agent.
I guess those contracts I signed for those commercials said that I waived my right to residuals in exchange for a lifetime supply of Yeast-l-Stat though I don't know whose toxic vagina would need that much of that stuff.
If you're producing that much yeast, you should probably start a bakery.
Are you ready for me? I'm sorry, what is Lady Hummel doing here? Working.
Vogue.
com doesn't pay, and I need some seed cash to start my Madonna cover band.
You guys, this is so great.
I feel like I'm on Smash season one.
Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because soon you'll be dumping us to play Fanny Brice.
Oh, no.
That ship has sailed.
If I got it, I would have heard by now.
- Rachel, be positive.
- I am positive.
Okay? My whole life I've been looking to be a part of something special to feel special, but the truth is is that I am special, okay? And I don't need producers to tell me that.
I'm gonna play this part, and if it's not in this production then that is their loss.
Isn't it amazing how life seems so easy when you just don't give a fart? I mean, look at this.
Hummel is getting married Berry is just full of confidence and I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for penis.
Then let's make a pledge.
We stay in this town together for two years.
For soaring success or miserable failure.
- None of us bail until then, okay? - Okay.
- No matter what.
- Okay.
Pinky swear.
Come on.
Put those long fingernails in there.
Someone in booth 14 is looking for the short one.
Go.
- I take this.
- Gunther, that's my Yeast-l-S- What the hell? - Mr.
Campion.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
Do you have any whole cakes, Rachel? - Just a whole cake? - Mm-hmm.
I'd like one.
Okay.
But I need you to write something on it for me.
Can you do that? - Yeah.
- Good.
I want you to write, mmm- "Congratulations, Rachel Berry.
You are Fanny Brice.
" Are you serious? Are you serious? Really? Oh, my God! Really? Thank you so much! Thank you! I got Fanny! Oh, my God, thank you! I got it! What? You got the part? Thank you so much.
Thank God.
I can't wait to take this off! - Whoo! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Yeah!