Glee s05e07 Episode Script
Puppet Master
Here's what you missed on Glee.
Sue framed Figgins so she could take his job.
- Now she's principal and Becky's her Beckretary.
- Get out, bitch! Kurt started a cover band called Pamela Lansbury and Rachel's in it and so is Santana and so is Dani and so is Elliott, who they also call Starchild.
- But his name's really Elliott.
- Oh, my God.
Starchild.
Jake used to be a man slut, but then he wasn't 'cause he met Marley.
But then he cheated on Marley with Bree, which is so super mean because Marley's so nice and Bree's so horrible.
Geez, I guess he's a man slut again.
That's so sad.
My Aunt Felicia always says, "A tiger can't change his stripes.
" And that's what you missed on Glee.
Guys.
Guys! New Directions! New Directions! Guys! I just ran into Mr.
Schue.
He's gonna be stuck in his classroom for the rest of the afternoon because of some school board inspection thing.
But he still wanted us to meet so we can start working on ideas for nationals.
Beyoncé! - Okay! - No.
I- Wait! Wait! This is anarchy.
We can't-We can't all just shout at the same time.
That's better.
I have some ideas already.
I'm thinking that the music needs to be really simple so we can really highlight our voices.
No guitars or nothing electronic.
We go with a simple piano arrangement, which I could play.
I'm assuming you're singing lead.
Well, I am a senior and this is my last go at it.
- We need to win this.
- Feels like North Korea up in here.
Okay, forget the piano.
Forget all the music.
We can just do, um, a cappella.
That always works.
Déjà Warblers.
Should we wear matching blazers too? Let's take it back.
What was wrong with the guitars? Nothing.
Why can't you guys just stop resisting me for a second and just go with me? - Okay, Blaine Jong-il.
- Yes! Blaine Jong-il.
I'm not trying to be bossy.
I'm trying to give the benefit of my experience.
I have won more show choir competitions than anyone in this room.
You suck.
A cappella is worth a shot.
- Let's do it.
- Thank you.
Then you two can have fun in your little barbershop couplet while the rest of us discuss something good.
Fine.
You don't want my help? Then I'm not gonna give it.
Looks like somebody's man-struating.
I heard that.
Oh, good.
We're all here.
Thank you, Team Pamela Lansbury, for assembling on such short notice.
Okay, well, I rescheduled my dialect session.
So what's up with this emergency text? What's up is I just booked our band's debut gig.
Amazing.
Where? When? This Thursday, 7:30 p.
m at the Greenwich Village hot spot, Callbacks.
Ooh! NYADA's premier piano bar.
- Isn't that a Broadway hangout? - Well, traditionally, but I talked to the manager and he says that Thursdays are kind of their dead night, so we can do whatever we want.
No, we cannot debut there.
That is instant career suicide.
Yeah, Kurt.
Look, not to overstep but I follow a lot of bands just starting out and it's kind of all about the launch.
Getting music critics out to see you that's a lot easier with the right venue.
Oh, come on.
Callbacks is a real funky place.
You know, they've got tons of history.
Yeah, but I can't think of a single band that started out there.
It's not like the Bitter End or the Mercury Lounge or- And if people associate that place with show tunes nobody's gonna come out for- Our covers of Madonna's greatest hits? I disagree, Dani.
Oh, so we're back to the whole Madonna thing? Yes.
It was my first impulse.
Guys, I know it's untraditional, but you have to trust me.
I was there at Callbacks.
I saw it all-a vision of perfect clarity.
Every seat was occupied.
A quiet hush fell over the expectant crowd as Pamela Lansbury made their way to the stage and the opening notes of Madonna's 1985 seminal hit "Into the Groove," begin.
And you can dance for inspiration.
- - Oh.
It's my fiancé.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Hello.
Can I just say Glee Club sucks? Mr.
Schue asked for ideas for nationals and when I gave some genius ones everyone got all mad and started dissing me.
Maybe I came on too strong, but since when was that a bad thing? It's not.
But remember, at McKinley everyone has an equal vote.
And if you come on too aggressively they might think you're a control freak or a puppet master.
Anyway, I was gonna call you.
Pamela Lansbury booked its first gig.
And I know you were just here but I was hoping you could come cheer us on in the audience.
So what do you say? Can I send you the deets and a JetBlue voucher? Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.
Wow.
I can't believe anyone would see me as controlling.
You missed a spot.
I'm doing the best I can, Sue.
You know, the way you clean these floors is a perfect metaphor for the way you ran this school.
You did your best, but your best just wasn't good enough.
Look, I know you're upset that the school board is coming today to evaluate McKinley and to determine if I am worthy to be instated as full-time principal.
And do you realize in my short time as acting principal test scores have risen 42%? And my new caning policy has dropped both absences and tardiness down to zero.
So the truth is, you should be cleaning floors and I should be running schools.
And if you would like to continue cleaning floors and feeding your family I suggest you do everything you can to make sure this place looks just amazing for this evaluation.
They're in the office, Coach.
One last question before we come back for the official evaluation later in the week.
Why do you wanna be a principal? I know everyone wants to wear the crown.
But the fantasy of it can be quite different from the reality.
Well, more than anyone I've ever met I was born to be in charge.
Test scores are up.
Kids are showing up.
Our sports teams are winning.
Heck, even the Glee Club is back competing for the national title of clubs no one really cares about.
And all of this is happening because I can finally manifest my vision without having to clear it with some fool.
You give me this school, and in one year it'll be the top school in the state, I guarantee it.
I'm a champion, gentlemen.
Let me be your champion.
Oh.
Oh.
We'll be back in a week.
But between you and me, barring a total catastrophe, you have my vote.
You certainly have a lot of trophies, Principal Sylvester.
Well, Superintendent Harris, you're new in town.
You may not be aware, but I am the only seven-time national champion cheerleading coach in the country.
My wife used to watch those competitions on television.
- Hmm.
- Bugged the crap out of me, if I'm gonna be totally honest.
Hmm.
We're divorced.
- Are you married? - No, no.
I married myself once, but I don't think it was legal.
We should go out for a beer sometime.
Are you sure that's appropriate, Bob? I don't think anyone would see a couple of guys going out for a beer as anything shady.
Besides, I'm new in town.
I'd like to find some great dudes to hang out with.
I'll call your office, okay? I'm lactose intolerant and I may have to fart, Coach.
I don't look masculine, do I, Becky? - You have an allure that goes beyond gender.
- That's what I always say.
And I have to admit, while I find his hairline highly suspicious for a man his age that Bob Harris thinks I could star in the sequel of Boys Don't Cry honestly, it kind of bums me out.
Maybe it's your clothes.
You could try on a skirt every now and then.
No, you don't understand the era I grew up in.
I became a teacher almost 30 years ago.
It was 1986.
It was a different time.
I tried being girlie but I found it hard to get the respect I felt I deserved.
Boys, no video games in school.
Who are you supposed to be? - I'm the new cheerleading coach.
- Do you bop? Get to class, mates.
I've been trying to sound like Crocodile Dundee.
A word of advice, new Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester: Try some pants.
Get to class.
The new cheerleading coach is one scary dude.
The moment I put that track suit on- The world bowed before me.
I had one made in every color.
Maybe it's time for a change, Coach.
Everybody is scared of you now.
It can't hurt to girl up a bit.
- You're early.
- Geez! Brad.
You scared the crap out of me.
Warn me before you talk.
- I'm sorry, man.
I'm having a bad week.
- Tell me about it.
I can't stop playing online blackjack.
I owe thousands of dollars to some very sketchy people.
Why doesn't anyone listen to me? I'm in 23 clubs.
I probably would have been prom king if the school didn't have so many stoners.
And what's wrong with having a solid game plan? - My house is getting foreclosed on.
- And get this.
My fiancé called me a puppet master.
Well, if pulling strings means that I encourage people to reach their fullest potential then hell, yeah, guilty as charged.
Brad, if everyone just wants me to sit down and shut up that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be right back here in the back corner.
Believe me- That'll send a message loud.
Blainey Days! Blainey Days, wake up! We're sorry we didn't listen to you earlier.
Yeah, dog.
Our bad, yo.
I'd love to say something really bitchy or even downright cruel, but I can't because you're clearly the most talented teenager at this school.
- Yeah! - On this planet.
Yeah, that's why we're best friends, even though I'm straight and you're gay and I'm blond and you're gay.
- May the Force be with you.
- Kids, I've got an awesome idea.
This week's lesson is all about the most inspiring guy we know-Blaine.
Yeah! Ooh, child, Unique's got the blues and the only way to cure 'em is to hear Blaine's smooth-as-a-baby's-butt voice.
- Please, Blaine! - Please! - Please! - Yeah, Blaine! Really? Well, if you guys insist.
What should I sing? Oh, I know.
Hit it.
Blainey Days! Blainey Days, what's wrong with you? Yeah, dude, you didn't say a word the entire class.
Didn't even sing.
You want us to call you a waam-bulance? 'Cause your pity party is out of control.
Yeah, girl.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Go one, two, four six, eight.
Sharper, two, three.
Here it comes.
Make sure we land- Look, I'm gonna do you guys a favor.
You suck, and I can't be bothered to keep wasting my time.
Hit the showers and get focused.
Please, tomorrow we are doing 540s.
Later, Jake.
Oh, my God.
Her too? All of them actually.
Jake.
Hey.
Uh, listen.
I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me in Glee Club.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that really cares about pushing us - so we can nail it, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm getting pretty sick of it too.
Yeah, look, um, I don't know how else to say this, but there's something going on in the choir room.
I don't know if it's haunted or like a space-time rift happening.
But trust me.
Do yourself a favor.
Sit in the back corner.
It's crazy.
Dance has never been our strong suit but I think with Jake's help, we can really kick it up a notch.
- Jake? - What's the point? - I'm sorry? - Seriously, what is the point? I could choreograph a sick dance.
None of you can keep up.
Half of you can't even do it and won't even try.
Why? Because you're not dancers.
So let's not waste my time.
Let's just do another cut-and-paste dance routine that even Tina can pick up.
You are such a conceited jerk.
I'm not conceited.
I'm bored.
Please, we've seen your dance moves.
They're fine, not epic.
Oh, you wanna see epic? Give me a beat! Oh, you wanna see epic? Give me a beat! Baby-faced mocha-teen boy, arise.
Where is everyone? They left minutes ago muttering hateful comments about your snide, nasty mouth and bad-boy attitudes.
Now, clear out.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Alfano.
As much as I've really enjoyed learning about yarn these past three months I was wondering since arts and crafts is my senior elective if maybe I could do my own thing and venture into felt and fabric and even yarn and make a puppet? Your request surely begs the question: Why on earth would an 18-year-old man want to make a puppet? Well, it's not just any puppet.
It-It's a puppet of my fiancé.
We're 600 miles apart.
And even though I get to see him tomorrow night, I'd really like to see him right now even though it might be only in my imagination.
Fine.
Make a puppet.
- May I experiment with decoupage? - No.
I forgave myself a long time ago.
I think it's time I forgave you now.
You are right.
Please forgive me.
In this argument, I don't have a leg to stand on.
Hey, Principal-Uh, Coach.
Um, geez, are you okay? What-Oh.
What's with the shoes? Man, you have big feet.
Well, I'm sorry if my femininity threatens you.
What is that? Did you just touch me with a puppet? - Oh, I made it in crafts class.
- Get that thing out of here.
I don't ever wanna see that thing in my hallway again.
What? You can't just ban puppets.
Are you saying that because of the shoes? Are you less afraid of me? In a few days' time, I'm going to be evaluated on my abilities to run this school.
And if the school board comes here and sees schizophrenic students clearly off their meds talking to puppets they're gonna think I don't have a handle on things.
- Wha-Hey, hey.
Kurt puppet.
- This is contraband.
And if I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn't human you're in a world of trouble.
No-Be careful.
Damn! Sue, I'm trying to work.
Do you mind coming back in an hour to barge in here without knocking and start insulting me for no reason? Oh, sure, sure, pal.
I just wanna ask you a question first.
Um, you're an oddly feminine man.
What? Oh, please.
You just literally did a pirouette.
Sue, just because a guy can dance doesn't make him effeminate.
That's what I'm saying.
When you dance somehow you're able to maintain your manliness.
Here's the thing.
Um, I happen to have a sizable crush on the handsomest man in the universe- Superintendent Bob Harris.
I've had multiple conversations with him.
In fact, several days ago I was quite certain he was flirting with me.
But it turns out, all this time he thought I was a man.
I blame the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue.
" - You know what they used to say about Ginger Rogers? - No.
That she could lead her partner while dancing backwards in high heels.
I have no idea how that is germane to this conversation.
Ginger Rogers was the pinnacle of femininity.
I mean, she was one of the most famous dancers in the world.
And her partner was Fred Astaire- maybe the greatest dancer of all time.
Again, I don't know how this pertains to what I'm talking about.
The point is, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only she did it backwards and in high heels.
She managed to find a way to be feminine and strong.
Half the time when it looked like Fred Astaire was leading her - she was leading him.
- Okay.
Tell you what.
Let's make a deal.
I'll teach you to lead while dancing backwards in high heels and you give me the $600 I need for new costumes at nationals.
Nope.
Forget it.
I'm sorry.
There's no way in hell I'm gonna give the Glee Club more money for costumes until you can explain to me how you paid for that 18-cubic-foot inflatable Lady Gaga air bag that you strapped onto the back of the crippled kid's wheelchair.
That was at least a thousand dollars right there, William.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
Hey, doll.
What do you say you and I cut a rug? Come on, Coach.
Wake up! I've got to shop for a mini fridge for college.
Ohh! - - Oh, God.
Let it go.
I don't want a girlfriend.
Shut up.
I don't wanna be your girlfriend either.
Then what? I'm late for class.
I'm pregnant.
With your baby.
- Bree, this is- - All I'm gonna ask is that you come with me to the doctor.
Okay? - What are your parents gonna say? - No parents.
This is staying between us.
Forever.
It's the right thing to do.
Right? Well, well, well.
If it isn't Miss Sally Field in Not Without My Puppet.
Did you really think I was too stupid to suspect that you would come back here under the cloak of darkness to claim your monstrous puppet bride? You strange, tiny, doe-eyed pervert.
Kindly remove your fist from Puppet Hummel's butt and place it gingerly on the desk.
And now report to detention for the rest of the week.
But I'm supposed to fly to New York to see Kurt's first big show.
Well, you're gonna have to cancel Wonder Woman's invisible jet or whatever magic discount bullet train you kids use for your weekly jaunts to New York.
Now, get out of here.
Go feel shame.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Did you get your ticket that I reserved for you - house left? - Kurt, I was gonna call you.
Um, please don't be mad, but I'm not in New York.
I'm in Lima.
Are-Are you kidding? What happened? Did you miss your flight? - Are-Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh- I'm just trying to explain.
Yes, why don't you explain? And it better be a good explanation.
Well, Principal Sylvester gave me detention and she said if I tried to skip it that she was gonna suspend me and put it on my permanent record.
Hey, hang on.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait one second.
And you weren't going to call me? I was trying my best not to hurt you.
All I did was steal back the Kurt puppet that I made in crafts class.
Excuse me? The what puppet? What the hell are you talking about? Uh, I know.
It's, uh- It's kind of a weird story.
- But basically, I was missing you.
- And is that how you see me? As a thing of felt and cloth and button eyes that has no feelings that you can play with and manipulate and discard whenever you're bored? I'm a person, Blaine.
I am flesh and blood and bone and this was a really big night for me, and I needed you to be here.
Kurt- Oh! - Hey.
- We can release Blaine's seat.
I don't think that's going to be necessary.
One person? And he thinks Angela Lansbury's performing.
I told you so.
Let's be real for a second.
I've never been all that nice to you.
And I don't really get whatever's going on with you.
But I have to say there's a part of me that really admires it.
When a woman of my stature needs a makeover she rings up all her best gays.
But unfortunately, Porcelain, the sassy toothless elf, is in New York.
So, God's most fabulous mistake, I turn to you.
I wanna look more like a lady.
Girl, I have already pulled out my makeup kit.
I got you, boo.
Welcome, teen delinquents, to detention a.
k.
a.
The Beck-fast Club named after Miss Becky Jackson who has been here more than any other student.
Yeah, why is that? 'Cause I like saying bad words, bitch! Jacob X.
Puckerman, you were caught red-handed starting another exciting yet forbidden fistfight in the William McKinley High School hallways.
Why are you such a mysterious, musical bad boy? It is now 4:01.
You have exactly eight hours to ponder the horrific error of your pubescent ways.
There will be no talking and no monkeyshines.
Is that clear? Crystal.
You know, maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better.
We could sit in a circle on the floor and tell each other about our core wounds.
Or you shut your hole! I'm going to college soon.
I don't have time for your lame-ass bull crap.
I'm sorry, Blaine Warbler.
That was totally inappropriate.
Please come sit with me.
Sometimes I fall off the handle.
Like yesterday when I taped Dottie's buns together.
I did it for my old man.
I wanted him to think I was cool.
That's really heavy, Becky.
Thanks for sharing.
What's going on with you, Blaine? Well, to tell the truth, guys I feel really, really guilty about missing Kurt's show in New York.
Why? It's a stupid cover band.
And, dude, you go to New York all the time.
You were just there last week.
True.
But Kurt needs me.
We all need you, because you are so awesome.
Yeah.
You're America's gay sweetheart.
Thanks, guys.
You guys are like my only real friends.
- But we're not real.
We're puppets.
- Maybe that's a bad thing.
Maybe the fact that I can only really feel like myself with friends I can totally control is keeping me from really feeling like I'm close to anyone.
Maybe it's indicative of a deeper intimacy issue.
Or maybe everyone should just wise up and start doing everything you say because you are so right on all the time.
Did you notice you're now having puppet fantasies outside the choir room? That's not normal.
Seriously, you might wanna get a CAT scan.
Hello, hello.
Wake up.
Hey.
Will you cover for me, please? I've got to leave early.
Uh, y-yeah, sure.
Why? It's not important.
Later.
Hey, so are you ready to go? No need.
The crimson tide is rolling again.
I got my period.
I'm not pregnant.
I guess I was just late this month.
Are you serious? That's awesome news.
Oh, I am so relieved.
You're relieved? Why? I was the one who had to go to the doctor visit.
No, I just mean that I'm relieved that the whole thing is over you know, for the both of us.
Let me hit you with a blunt instrument of reality, Puckerman.
You're still you-a douchey playboy who's gonna spend the rest of his life dealing with one mess after another as long as he lives.
One of these days you are gonna knock someone up.
And I feel bad for whoever has to have a child that shares your D.
N.
A.
- - Hey, I'm gonna make a great father one day.
To who? Your seven kids by seven different women? Not unless you change.
Bree, look, I'm sorry, okay? I know this whole thing was really scary and traumatic- Just do me a favor and stay away from me from now on.
You're toxic.
Little known fact: McKinley saved a bundle on new lockers by using recycled metal.
These lockers are actually Kalashnikovs that were melted down during the war in Chechnya.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, Principal Sylvester.
- Yes.
- I owe you an apology.
I- - Mmm.
I get in business mode and I may not be that observant.
So I- Well, I might have overlooked your more feminine side.
Oh, no worries, Superintendent.
No worries.
- Please.
- Okay.
And this is the choir room of McKinley's pride and joy- our national championship Glee Club the New Directions.
Attention, McKinley School Board.
Sue Sylvester has put our children in grave danger.
There is a gas leak in this room that is a direct result of Sue Sylvester's failed leadership.
No.
There was a gas leak in this room, but I fixed it.
I know a gas-induced fantasy dance sequence when I experience one.
And despite the fact that facilities management is under your jurisdiction Janitor Figgins I found the problem, I corrected it and now I'm cutting your pay in half.
Principal Sylvester, we've seen enough.
Yours is precisely the type of leadership this school needs.
The board would like to make you principal on a permanent basis.
Oh! Congratulations, Sue.
Oh, thank you so much, Superintendent.
How about we go out and celebrate? Excuse me? Would you like to go out on a date with me? Um, no.
I don't wanna do that.
Am I okay? I mean, is this what it feels like to be losing your mind? I'm unraveling.
I feel like Mel Gibson in The Beaver.
More like Mel Gibson in Mad Max with your abs and your leather.
Wait.
What leather? The leather I was imagining you in when I was rubbing vapor cream all over your smooth hairless chest.
Tina.
I'm engaged.
Hey.
What's going on? Uh, nothing.
I'm just, uh, clearing my head out just trying to figure some stuff out.
- Is that supposed to be me? - What? That's-That's crazy.
She has Asian eyes and my exact dress.
Total coincidence.
Not everything is about you, Tina.
What do you want? I just wanted to let you know that everybody feels bad.
We spent pretty much the whole Glee session discussing how much pressure you're under - with nationals, graduation- - The engagement.
You were just trying to exert some control.
And the truth is, you should have some.
You've earned it.
Sam suggested you should have the lead on one of the songs at nationals.
So we took a vote and it was unanimous.
Piano, a cappella, whatever you think is right.
- Thanks, Tina.
- Of course.
So if you're done being a puppet master do you think you can take your hand out from under my dress? - Uh- - Yeah.
- Oh.
- It's okay.
- Sorry about that.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna kind of miss having a Kurt puppet though.
He does anything you say.
- Anything? - All right, settle down, Puppet Tina.
- Blainey Days! - Okay, I get it.
Marley.
Marley.
Marley, please.
Please just listen.
Please.
Thirty seconds.
Go.
I miss you every minute of every day.
And I know that I screwed things up really badly, and I'm sorry.
I know what I lost, and I know that I can't be without you.
I need you.
I don't wanna be this jerk anymore and you were the only one who can make me a better person - a good person.
- I'm not here to fix you, Jake.
I know, I know, I know.
That's why I'm here- to make it right, to make it better and to make me better.
I'm sorry, but we gave it a try and it just wasn't right.
So after all of that you're saying that you don't have any feelings for me? I think that you're a good friend and teammate.
- Marley- - But I just don't feel the same as you.
Not anymore.
Marley, please.
I got to get to class.
I'll see you later in Glee Club.
Look, I know we don't know why Kurt called this meeting.
It's probably to retire the band.
But we can't rub it in and say "I told you so.
" That would be devastating.
Well, I wouldn't do that, and I'm not gonna let Kurt disband Pamela Lansbury.
Look, I might not agree with all of his decisions but he is our leader and he's an artist and artists should be allowed to fail.
Who says we failed? Cronuts, anyone? - Hi.
- Oh, this? No big deal.
Just a little token from the booking agency of the Williamsburg Music Hall which is the location of our second gig.
What? Are you serious? - How? - Okay, true.
We only had one audience member at our last show but happened to be the right audience member because not only was he a devoted Angela Lansbury fan but he also liked what he saw, made a secret bootleg and passed it along to his nephew who works at- The Williamsburg Music Hall, which also just happens to be- One of the hottest venues in Brooklyn.
Good work, fearless leader.
Well, it wasn't just me.
It was also a lot of luck and you guys because whether Pamela Lansbury implodes or explodes I really have to thank you guys for sticking by me.
Uh, package for a Kurt Hummel.
Thank you.
Oh, it's from Blaine.
He sends a gift to say sorry for missing the performance the other night.
That's so nice.
Okay, that is creepy as hell.
Is there one for each of us? Guys, I just wanted to apologize to all of you.
I've been a little bit controlling lately, and it's not cool.
I've made some changes though and I've learned that sometimes you just need to let go- cut the strings, so to speak.
I bet you'll still be bossy as hell.
Actually, I hope to be more of a leader as opposed to being just bossy, Kitty.
So to celebrate this new laissez-faire Blaine I've made some felt peace offerings.
What? - Voilà .
- What? - Whoa! - It has glasses! We look alike.
Sue framed Figgins so she could take his job.
- Now she's principal and Becky's her Beckretary.
- Get out, bitch! Kurt started a cover band called Pamela Lansbury and Rachel's in it and so is Santana and so is Dani and so is Elliott, who they also call Starchild.
- But his name's really Elliott.
- Oh, my God.
Starchild.
Jake used to be a man slut, but then he wasn't 'cause he met Marley.
But then he cheated on Marley with Bree, which is so super mean because Marley's so nice and Bree's so horrible.
Geez, I guess he's a man slut again.
That's so sad.
My Aunt Felicia always says, "A tiger can't change his stripes.
" And that's what you missed on Glee.
Guys.
Guys! New Directions! New Directions! Guys! I just ran into Mr.
Schue.
He's gonna be stuck in his classroom for the rest of the afternoon because of some school board inspection thing.
But he still wanted us to meet so we can start working on ideas for nationals.
Beyoncé! - Okay! - No.
I- Wait! Wait! This is anarchy.
We can't-We can't all just shout at the same time.
That's better.
I have some ideas already.
I'm thinking that the music needs to be really simple so we can really highlight our voices.
No guitars or nothing electronic.
We go with a simple piano arrangement, which I could play.
I'm assuming you're singing lead.
Well, I am a senior and this is my last go at it.
- We need to win this.
- Feels like North Korea up in here.
Okay, forget the piano.
Forget all the music.
We can just do, um, a cappella.
That always works.
Déjà Warblers.
Should we wear matching blazers too? Let's take it back.
What was wrong with the guitars? Nothing.
Why can't you guys just stop resisting me for a second and just go with me? - Okay, Blaine Jong-il.
- Yes! Blaine Jong-il.
I'm not trying to be bossy.
I'm trying to give the benefit of my experience.
I have won more show choir competitions than anyone in this room.
You suck.
A cappella is worth a shot.
- Let's do it.
- Thank you.
Then you two can have fun in your little barbershop couplet while the rest of us discuss something good.
Fine.
You don't want my help? Then I'm not gonna give it.
Looks like somebody's man-struating.
I heard that.
Oh, good.
We're all here.
Thank you, Team Pamela Lansbury, for assembling on such short notice.
Okay, well, I rescheduled my dialect session.
So what's up with this emergency text? What's up is I just booked our band's debut gig.
Amazing.
Where? When? This Thursday, 7:30 p.
m at the Greenwich Village hot spot, Callbacks.
Ooh! NYADA's premier piano bar.
- Isn't that a Broadway hangout? - Well, traditionally, but I talked to the manager and he says that Thursdays are kind of their dead night, so we can do whatever we want.
No, we cannot debut there.
That is instant career suicide.
Yeah, Kurt.
Look, not to overstep but I follow a lot of bands just starting out and it's kind of all about the launch.
Getting music critics out to see you that's a lot easier with the right venue.
Oh, come on.
Callbacks is a real funky place.
You know, they've got tons of history.
Yeah, but I can't think of a single band that started out there.
It's not like the Bitter End or the Mercury Lounge or- And if people associate that place with show tunes nobody's gonna come out for- Our covers of Madonna's greatest hits? I disagree, Dani.
Oh, so we're back to the whole Madonna thing? Yes.
It was my first impulse.
Guys, I know it's untraditional, but you have to trust me.
I was there at Callbacks.
I saw it all-a vision of perfect clarity.
Every seat was occupied.
A quiet hush fell over the expectant crowd as Pamela Lansbury made their way to the stage and the opening notes of Madonna's 1985 seminal hit "Into the Groove," begin.
And you can dance for inspiration.
- - Oh.
It's my fiancé.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Hello.
Can I just say Glee Club sucks? Mr.
Schue asked for ideas for nationals and when I gave some genius ones everyone got all mad and started dissing me.
Maybe I came on too strong, but since when was that a bad thing? It's not.
But remember, at McKinley everyone has an equal vote.
And if you come on too aggressively they might think you're a control freak or a puppet master.
Anyway, I was gonna call you.
Pamela Lansbury booked its first gig.
And I know you were just here but I was hoping you could come cheer us on in the audience.
So what do you say? Can I send you the deets and a JetBlue voucher? Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.
Wow.
I can't believe anyone would see me as controlling.
You missed a spot.
I'm doing the best I can, Sue.
You know, the way you clean these floors is a perfect metaphor for the way you ran this school.
You did your best, but your best just wasn't good enough.
Look, I know you're upset that the school board is coming today to evaluate McKinley and to determine if I am worthy to be instated as full-time principal.
And do you realize in my short time as acting principal test scores have risen 42%? And my new caning policy has dropped both absences and tardiness down to zero.
So the truth is, you should be cleaning floors and I should be running schools.
And if you would like to continue cleaning floors and feeding your family I suggest you do everything you can to make sure this place looks just amazing for this evaluation.
They're in the office, Coach.
One last question before we come back for the official evaluation later in the week.
Why do you wanna be a principal? I know everyone wants to wear the crown.
But the fantasy of it can be quite different from the reality.
Well, more than anyone I've ever met I was born to be in charge.
Test scores are up.
Kids are showing up.
Our sports teams are winning.
Heck, even the Glee Club is back competing for the national title of clubs no one really cares about.
And all of this is happening because I can finally manifest my vision without having to clear it with some fool.
You give me this school, and in one year it'll be the top school in the state, I guarantee it.
I'm a champion, gentlemen.
Let me be your champion.
Oh.
Oh.
We'll be back in a week.
But between you and me, barring a total catastrophe, you have my vote.
You certainly have a lot of trophies, Principal Sylvester.
Well, Superintendent Harris, you're new in town.
You may not be aware, but I am the only seven-time national champion cheerleading coach in the country.
My wife used to watch those competitions on television.
- Hmm.
- Bugged the crap out of me, if I'm gonna be totally honest.
Hmm.
We're divorced.
- Are you married? - No, no.
I married myself once, but I don't think it was legal.
We should go out for a beer sometime.
Are you sure that's appropriate, Bob? I don't think anyone would see a couple of guys going out for a beer as anything shady.
Besides, I'm new in town.
I'd like to find some great dudes to hang out with.
I'll call your office, okay? I'm lactose intolerant and I may have to fart, Coach.
I don't look masculine, do I, Becky? - You have an allure that goes beyond gender.
- That's what I always say.
And I have to admit, while I find his hairline highly suspicious for a man his age that Bob Harris thinks I could star in the sequel of Boys Don't Cry honestly, it kind of bums me out.
Maybe it's your clothes.
You could try on a skirt every now and then.
No, you don't understand the era I grew up in.
I became a teacher almost 30 years ago.
It was 1986.
It was a different time.
I tried being girlie but I found it hard to get the respect I felt I deserved.
Boys, no video games in school.
Who are you supposed to be? - I'm the new cheerleading coach.
- Do you bop? Get to class, mates.
I've been trying to sound like Crocodile Dundee.
A word of advice, new Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester: Try some pants.
Get to class.
The new cheerleading coach is one scary dude.
The moment I put that track suit on- The world bowed before me.
I had one made in every color.
Maybe it's time for a change, Coach.
Everybody is scared of you now.
It can't hurt to girl up a bit.
- You're early.
- Geez! Brad.
You scared the crap out of me.
Warn me before you talk.
- I'm sorry, man.
I'm having a bad week.
- Tell me about it.
I can't stop playing online blackjack.
I owe thousands of dollars to some very sketchy people.
Why doesn't anyone listen to me? I'm in 23 clubs.
I probably would have been prom king if the school didn't have so many stoners.
And what's wrong with having a solid game plan? - My house is getting foreclosed on.
- And get this.
My fiancé called me a puppet master.
Well, if pulling strings means that I encourage people to reach their fullest potential then hell, yeah, guilty as charged.
Brad, if everyone just wants me to sit down and shut up that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be right back here in the back corner.
Believe me- That'll send a message loud.
Blainey Days! Blainey Days, wake up! We're sorry we didn't listen to you earlier.
Yeah, dog.
Our bad, yo.
I'd love to say something really bitchy or even downright cruel, but I can't because you're clearly the most talented teenager at this school.
- Yeah! - On this planet.
Yeah, that's why we're best friends, even though I'm straight and you're gay and I'm blond and you're gay.
- May the Force be with you.
- Kids, I've got an awesome idea.
This week's lesson is all about the most inspiring guy we know-Blaine.
Yeah! Ooh, child, Unique's got the blues and the only way to cure 'em is to hear Blaine's smooth-as-a-baby's-butt voice.
- Please, Blaine! - Please! - Please! - Yeah, Blaine! Really? Well, if you guys insist.
What should I sing? Oh, I know.
Hit it.
Blainey Days! Blainey Days, what's wrong with you? Yeah, dude, you didn't say a word the entire class.
Didn't even sing.
You want us to call you a waam-bulance? 'Cause your pity party is out of control.
Yeah, girl.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Go one, two, four six, eight.
Sharper, two, three.
Here it comes.
Make sure we land- Look, I'm gonna do you guys a favor.
You suck, and I can't be bothered to keep wasting my time.
Hit the showers and get focused.
Please, tomorrow we are doing 540s.
Later, Jake.
Oh, my God.
Her too? All of them actually.
Jake.
Hey.
Uh, listen.
I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me in Glee Club.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that really cares about pushing us - so we can nail it, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm getting pretty sick of it too.
Yeah, look, um, I don't know how else to say this, but there's something going on in the choir room.
I don't know if it's haunted or like a space-time rift happening.
But trust me.
Do yourself a favor.
Sit in the back corner.
It's crazy.
Dance has never been our strong suit but I think with Jake's help, we can really kick it up a notch.
- Jake? - What's the point? - I'm sorry? - Seriously, what is the point? I could choreograph a sick dance.
None of you can keep up.
Half of you can't even do it and won't even try.
Why? Because you're not dancers.
So let's not waste my time.
Let's just do another cut-and-paste dance routine that even Tina can pick up.
You are such a conceited jerk.
I'm not conceited.
I'm bored.
Please, we've seen your dance moves.
They're fine, not epic.
Oh, you wanna see epic? Give me a beat! Oh, you wanna see epic? Give me a beat! Baby-faced mocha-teen boy, arise.
Where is everyone? They left minutes ago muttering hateful comments about your snide, nasty mouth and bad-boy attitudes.
Now, clear out.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Alfano.
As much as I've really enjoyed learning about yarn these past three months I was wondering since arts and crafts is my senior elective if maybe I could do my own thing and venture into felt and fabric and even yarn and make a puppet? Your request surely begs the question: Why on earth would an 18-year-old man want to make a puppet? Well, it's not just any puppet.
It-It's a puppet of my fiancé.
We're 600 miles apart.
And even though I get to see him tomorrow night, I'd really like to see him right now even though it might be only in my imagination.
Fine.
Make a puppet.
- May I experiment with decoupage? - No.
I forgave myself a long time ago.
I think it's time I forgave you now.
You are right.
Please forgive me.
In this argument, I don't have a leg to stand on.
Hey, Principal-Uh, Coach.
Um, geez, are you okay? What-Oh.
What's with the shoes? Man, you have big feet.
Well, I'm sorry if my femininity threatens you.
What is that? Did you just touch me with a puppet? - Oh, I made it in crafts class.
- Get that thing out of here.
I don't ever wanna see that thing in my hallway again.
What? You can't just ban puppets.
Are you saying that because of the shoes? Are you less afraid of me? In a few days' time, I'm going to be evaluated on my abilities to run this school.
And if the school board comes here and sees schizophrenic students clearly off their meds talking to puppets they're gonna think I don't have a handle on things.
- Wha-Hey, hey.
Kurt puppet.
- This is contraband.
And if I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn't human you're in a world of trouble.
No-Be careful.
Damn! Sue, I'm trying to work.
Do you mind coming back in an hour to barge in here without knocking and start insulting me for no reason? Oh, sure, sure, pal.
I just wanna ask you a question first.
Um, you're an oddly feminine man.
What? Oh, please.
You just literally did a pirouette.
Sue, just because a guy can dance doesn't make him effeminate.
That's what I'm saying.
When you dance somehow you're able to maintain your manliness.
Here's the thing.
Um, I happen to have a sizable crush on the handsomest man in the universe- Superintendent Bob Harris.
I've had multiple conversations with him.
In fact, several days ago I was quite certain he was flirting with me.
But it turns out, all this time he thought I was a man.
I blame the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue.
" - You know what they used to say about Ginger Rogers? - No.
That she could lead her partner while dancing backwards in high heels.
I have no idea how that is germane to this conversation.
Ginger Rogers was the pinnacle of femininity.
I mean, she was one of the most famous dancers in the world.
And her partner was Fred Astaire- maybe the greatest dancer of all time.
Again, I don't know how this pertains to what I'm talking about.
The point is, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only she did it backwards and in high heels.
She managed to find a way to be feminine and strong.
Half the time when it looked like Fred Astaire was leading her - she was leading him.
- Okay.
Tell you what.
Let's make a deal.
I'll teach you to lead while dancing backwards in high heels and you give me the $600 I need for new costumes at nationals.
Nope.
Forget it.
I'm sorry.
There's no way in hell I'm gonna give the Glee Club more money for costumes until you can explain to me how you paid for that 18-cubic-foot inflatable Lady Gaga air bag that you strapped onto the back of the crippled kid's wheelchair.
That was at least a thousand dollars right there, William.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
Hey, doll.
What do you say you and I cut a rug? Come on, Coach.
Wake up! I've got to shop for a mini fridge for college.
Ohh! - - Oh, God.
Let it go.
I don't want a girlfriend.
Shut up.
I don't wanna be your girlfriend either.
Then what? I'm late for class.
I'm pregnant.
With your baby.
- Bree, this is- - All I'm gonna ask is that you come with me to the doctor.
Okay? - What are your parents gonna say? - No parents.
This is staying between us.
Forever.
It's the right thing to do.
Right? Well, well, well.
If it isn't Miss Sally Field in Not Without My Puppet.
Did you really think I was too stupid to suspect that you would come back here under the cloak of darkness to claim your monstrous puppet bride? You strange, tiny, doe-eyed pervert.
Kindly remove your fist from Puppet Hummel's butt and place it gingerly on the desk.
And now report to detention for the rest of the week.
But I'm supposed to fly to New York to see Kurt's first big show.
Well, you're gonna have to cancel Wonder Woman's invisible jet or whatever magic discount bullet train you kids use for your weekly jaunts to New York.
Now, get out of here.
Go feel shame.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Did you get your ticket that I reserved for you - house left? - Kurt, I was gonna call you.
Um, please don't be mad, but I'm not in New York.
I'm in Lima.
Are-Are you kidding? What happened? Did you miss your flight? - Are-Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh- I'm just trying to explain.
Yes, why don't you explain? And it better be a good explanation.
Well, Principal Sylvester gave me detention and she said if I tried to skip it that she was gonna suspend me and put it on my permanent record.
Hey, hang on.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait one second.
And you weren't going to call me? I was trying my best not to hurt you.
All I did was steal back the Kurt puppet that I made in crafts class.
Excuse me? The what puppet? What the hell are you talking about? Uh, I know.
It's, uh- It's kind of a weird story.
- But basically, I was missing you.
- And is that how you see me? As a thing of felt and cloth and button eyes that has no feelings that you can play with and manipulate and discard whenever you're bored? I'm a person, Blaine.
I am flesh and blood and bone and this was a really big night for me, and I needed you to be here.
Kurt- Oh! - Hey.
- We can release Blaine's seat.
I don't think that's going to be necessary.
One person? And he thinks Angela Lansbury's performing.
I told you so.
Let's be real for a second.
I've never been all that nice to you.
And I don't really get whatever's going on with you.
But I have to say there's a part of me that really admires it.
When a woman of my stature needs a makeover she rings up all her best gays.
But unfortunately, Porcelain, the sassy toothless elf, is in New York.
So, God's most fabulous mistake, I turn to you.
I wanna look more like a lady.
Girl, I have already pulled out my makeup kit.
I got you, boo.
Welcome, teen delinquents, to detention a.
k.
a.
The Beck-fast Club named after Miss Becky Jackson who has been here more than any other student.
Yeah, why is that? 'Cause I like saying bad words, bitch! Jacob X.
Puckerman, you were caught red-handed starting another exciting yet forbidden fistfight in the William McKinley High School hallways.
Why are you such a mysterious, musical bad boy? It is now 4:01.
You have exactly eight hours to ponder the horrific error of your pubescent ways.
There will be no talking and no monkeyshines.
Is that clear? Crystal.
You know, maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better.
We could sit in a circle on the floor and tell each other about our core wounds.
Or you shut your hole! I'm going to college soon.
I don't have time for your lame-ass bull crap.
I'm sorry, Blaine Warbler.
That was totally inappropriate.
Please come sit with me.
Sometimes I fall off the handle.
Like yesterday when I taped Dottie's buns together.
I did it for my old man.
I wanted him to think I was cool.
That's really heavy, Becky.
Thanks for sharing.
What's going on with you, Blaine? Well, to tell the truth, guys I feel really, really guilty about missing Kurt's show in New York.
Why? It's a stupid cover band.
And, dude, you go to New York all the time.
You were just there last week.
True.
But Kurt needs me.
We all need you, because you are so awesome.
Yeah.
You're America's gay sweetheart.
Thanks, guys.
You guys are like my only real friends.
- But we're not real.
We're puppets.
- Maybe that's a bad thing.
Maybe the fact that I can only really feel like myself with friends I can totally control is keeping me from really feeling like I'm close to anyone.
Maybe it's indicative of a deeper intimacy issue.
Or maybe everyone should just wise up and start doing everything you say because you are so right on all the time.
Did you notice you're now having puppet fantasies outside the choir room? That's not normal.
Seriously, you might wanna get a CAT scan.
Hello, hello.
Wake up.
Hey.
Will you cover for me, please? I've got to leave early.
Uh, y-yeah, sure.
Why? It's not important.
Later.
Hey, so are you ready to go? No need.
The crimson tide is rolling again.
I got my period.
I'm not pregnant.
I guess I was just late this month.
Are you serious? That's awesome news.
Oh, I am so relieved.
You're relieved? Why? I was the one who had to go to the doctor visit.
No, I just mean that I'm relieved that the whole thing is over you know, for the both of us.
Let me hit you with a blunt instrument of reality, Puckerman.
You're still you-a douchey playboy who's gonna spend the rest of his life dealing with one mess after another as long as he lives.
One of these days you are gonna knock someone up.
And I feel bad for whoever has to have a child that shares your D.
N.
A.
- - Hey, I'm gonna make a great father one day.
To who? Your seven kids by seven different women? Not unless you change.
Bree, look, I'm sorry, okay? I know this whole thing was really scary and traumatic- Just do me a favor and stay away from me from now on.
You're toxic.
Little known fact: McKinley saved a bundle on new lockers by using recycled metal.
These lockers are actually Kalashnikovs that were melted down during the war in Chechnya.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, Principal Sylvester.
- Yes.
- I owe you an apology.
I- - Mmm.
I get in business mode and I may not be that observant.
So I- Well, I might have overlooked your more feminine side.
Oh, no worries, Superintendent.
No worries.
- Please.
- Okay.
And this is the choir room of McKinley's pride and joy- our national championship Glee Club the New Directions.
Attention, McKinley School Board.
Sue Sylvester has put our children in grave danger.
There is a gas leak in this room that is a direct result of Sue Sylvester's failed leadership.
No.
There was a gas leak in this room, but I fixed it.
I know a gas-induced fantasy dance sequence when I experience one.
And despite the fact that facilities management is under your jurisdiction Janitor Figgins I found the problem, I corrected it and now I'm cutting your pay in half.
Principal Sylvester, we've seen enough.
Yours is precisely the type of leadership this school needs.
The board would like to make you principal on a permanent basis.
Oh! Congratulations, Sue.
Oh, thank you so much, Superintendent.
How about we go out and celebrate? Excuse me? Would you like to go out on a date with me? Um, no.
I don't wanna do that.
Am I okay? I mean, is this what it feels like to be losing your mind? I'm unraveling.
I feel like Mel Gibson in The Beaver.
More like Mel Gibson in Mad Max with your abs and your leather.
Wait.
What leather? The leather I was imagining you in when I was rubbing vapor cream all over your smooth hairless chest.
Tina.
I'm engaged.
Hey.
What's going on? Uh, nothing.
I'm just, uh, clearing my head out just trying to figure some stuff out.
- Is that supposed to be me? - What? That's-That's crazy.
She has Asian eyes and my exact dress.
Total coincidence.
Not everything is about you, Tina.
What do you want? I just wanted to let you know that everybody feels bad.
We spent pretty much the whole Glee session discussing how much pressure you're under - with nationals, graduation- - The engagement.
You were just trying to exert some control.
And the truth is, you should have some.
You've earned it.
Sam suggested you should have the lead on one of the songs at nationals.
So we took a vote and it was unanimous.
Piano, a cappella, whatever you think is right.
- Thanks, Tina.
- Of course.
So if you're done being a puppet master do you think you can take your hand out from under my dress? - Uh- - Yeah.
- Oh.
- It's okay.
- Sorry about that.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna kind of miss having a Kurt puppet though.
He does anything you say.
- Anything? - All right, settle down, Puppet Tina.
- Blainey Days! - Okay, I get it.
Marley.
Marley.
Marley, please.
Please just listen.
Please.
Thirty seconds.
Go.
I miss you every minute of every day.
And I know that I screwed things up really badly, and I'm sorry.
I know what I lost, and I know that I can't be without you.
I need you.
I don't wanna be this jerk anymore and you were the only one who can make me a better person - a good person.
- I'm not here to fix you, Jake.
I know, I know, I know.
That's why I'm here- to make it right, to make it better and to make me better.
I'm sorry, but we gave it a try and it just wasn't right.
So after all of that you're saying that you don't have any feelings for me? I think that you're a good friend and teammate.
- Marley- - But I just don't feel the same as you.
Not anymore.
Marley, please.
I got to get to class.
I'll see you later in Glee Club.
Look, I know we don't know why Kurt called this meeting.
It's probably to retire the band.
But we can't rub it in and say "I told you so.
" That would be devastating.
Well, I wouldn't do that, and I'm not gonna let Kurt disband Pamela Lansbury.
Look, I might not agree with all of his decisions but he is our leader and he's an artist and artists should be allowed to fail.
Who says we failed? Cronuts, anyone? - Hi.
- Oh, this? No big deal.
Just a little token from the booking agency of the Williamsburg Music Hall which is the location of our second gig.
What? Are you serious? - How? - Okay, true.
We only had one audience member at our last show but happened to be the right audience member because not only was he a devoted Angela Lansbury fan but he also liked what he saw, made a secret bootleg and passed it along to his nephew who works at- The Williamsburg Music Hall, which also just happens to be- One of the hottest venues in Brooklyn.
Good work, fearless leader.
Well, it wasn't just me.
It was also a lot of luck and you guys because whether Pamela Lansbury implodes or explodes I really have to thank you guys for sticking by me.
Uh, package for a Kurt Hummel.
Thank you.
Oh, it's from Blaine.
He sends a gift to say sorry for missing the performance the other night.
That's so nice.
Okay, that is creepy as hell.
Is there one for each of us? Guys, I just wanted to apologize to all of you.
I've been a little bit controlling lately, and it's not cool.
I've made some changes though and I've learned that sometimes you just need to let go- cut the strings, so to speak.
I bet you'll still be bossy as hell.
Actually, I hope to be more of a leader as opposed to being just bossy, Kitty.
So to celebrate this new laissez-faire Blaine I've made some felt peace offerings.
What? - Voilà .
- What? - Whoa! - It has glasses! We look alike.