Glee s05e10 Episode Script


Here's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel and Santana are on the outs because Santana landed a job in Funny Girl as Rachel's understudy, even though Santana's Latin and Fanny Brice is clearly Jewish.
You and I have never been friends.
Never have and never will be.
Nationals is fast approaching, and graduation's in two weeks.
- My fellow graduates.
- God, this can't be happening.
But not everyone knows what they're gonna do once they graduate because the New Directions seem to plan their lives like they plan their set lists- they pretty much figure it out the night before.
- I'm not ready to make a decision.
- Okay.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
They were encouraged to take the shortcut by Lanford Hastings who had never taken the journey with wagons.
This required them to traverse through Utah's Wasatch Mountains.
Will, it's time.
We have to do it right now.
Winter came and the Donner party got trapped in the mountains and they ate each other.
Everybody discuss.
What's up, buddy? How you doing? All right, cool.
What's going on in there? Oh, my God.
I am disturbed on every level.
And Becky has been scarred for life.
- Sue, I'm mortified.
- We are so, so- I am aware that the pheromones emitted from the orifices of your porous bird-lady pelvis can cause an overwhelming urge to copulate in some emotionally stunted man-children, with butt-chins who befriend teenagers and can't rap.
But why could you not wait to copulate until you returned to the sickly sweet stench of your own conjugal bed? I'm-Well, Sue, uh- Will and I are trying to conceive a child.
Oh, God.
Why? And-And there are certain windows of time where fertilization is most likely.
See, we finally feel like we have some financial security.
- I'm 37.
- Yes, and I'm-I'm- I'm of a similar age range.
And after the age of 35, you know the chances of birth defects increase dramatically.
There's, um, fragile "X" chromosome, there's Down syndrome.
What's wrong with Down syndrome? What's wrong with Down syndrome? N-No-Nothing.
Look, Sue, we are so sorry.
This is not gonna happen again.
I promise.
Hopefully it won't have to, if I hurry up right now and lie down on the floor of my office and put my feet up in a chair because we were able to achieve a successful emission.
Okay, get the hell out of my office.
Oh, didn't need to know that.
Didn't need to know that.
Doin' it for the people.
You guys, that was amazing, but, um, I'm not sure it's right for nationals.
Yes, 'cause Unique will not be standing in the back swaying while you guys go all Three-yoncé in the spotlight.
Why does everything you say have to sound like that? We know it's not right for nationals.
We just wanted to do it for fun.
We were talking, and we realized that we'd never actually done a number together.
As seniors we realized we were running out of time and wanted to feel the power of a trio.
Which, I learned in my senior math class is about 25% less powerful than a quartet.
Well, I'm really glad that you guys did that.
You probably don't realize this, but these are friendships that you're gonna cherish for the rest of your lives.
And you gotta squeeze in as many experiences as you can because, for you seniors, you're all gonna be going your separate ways very soon.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Tina, don't, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no! No! You don't have to cry.
You don't have to cry.
It's okay.
- We're here for you.
- Tina.
Okay? Huh? No, you had your turn.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
So I want to start at the overture and then I want to do the entire show from top to bottom.
Maybe two or three times.
Oh, my God, Elliott, hi! Come on in.
Uh, when you said you were gonna be rehearsing on your day off I assumed it would just be you, running scales.
Well, you know, since I have Gina Gershon Jr.
Nipping at my heels here I had to have Rupert, my director, ask Sidney, my producer if I could have a full band on retainer at all times so I could sing full voice, just to keep my instrument really sharp.
You have your own band.
That's impressive.
Oh, yeah.
You can borrow them anytime you want.
Um, in the meanwhile, I got your rehearsal clothes dry-cleaned.
Green tea with honey and lemon.
And I got you your very own key to my apartment.
Elliott! Seriously, what would I have done if you'd have turned me away at your door? I was like some heroine from a lost Tennessee Williams play.
They kicked me out.
I had nowhere else to go.
Then it was so chivalrous of you when you made up your couch for me.
You gave me your bed instead when I explained that after last week's traumatic events the only way I could recover is by sleeping in a real bed and not some lumpy surrogate.
So you're sure you're okay with me living with you, like, indefinitely? Yeah, it's cool.
I mean, like I said, my rent is so high and I've been looking for a roommate, and- And now you have one.
And I have a new best gay.
Yeah, yeah.
I kind of hate that term.
It makes me feel like a pet.
What do you mean? It's so funny.
You have done more for me in the past 24 hours than that traitor Kurt Hummel has since graduation.
I was just gonna sing the entire Funny Girl score.
Want to watch? - Uh, mmm- - Oh, please, it'll be so fun.
- You can sing all the chorus parts, if you want.
- Tempting.
And I do want to sing with you, but how about something a little more rock and roll? I was gonna suggest this for Pamela Lansbury but maybe you and I should give it a try.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful, beautiful friendship.
All right.
We have to try them on to see if they fit.
Small, medium, large.
It's not that complicated.
I'm sure they all fit.
We should just try 'em on to see what they look like.
Holy crap.
I can't believe this is actually happening.
Hey, guys.
- Tina.
- No, please.
No, no, Tina.
Tina, no, no.
I know this is hard for you, but come on, please.
No, don't-don't cry.
Try not to cry.
I'm not ready to say good-bye to you guys yet.
It's not good-bye.
They call graduation "commencement" because it's not the end of something, it's the beginning.
They say that so we'll go willingly.
Sam, you and Mike were so close.
Puck too.
- When was the last time you talked to them? - I-I don't know.
I can't remember.
Rachel and I haven't spoken on the phone in months.
And yes, I know we all love each other but the fact is the glue that holds high school friendships together is high school.
Being around each other every day, seeing each other in the halls.
Whenever something is up, we don't have to do any work to talk to our friends about it.
They're right there.
As soon as it takes effort, we get lazy.
And then we forget and then we just move on.
I don't want to fade away.
But it doesn't have to go down like that though.
Like, my dad's best friends are still his high school buddies.
They can go a year without talking to each other, they get together and don't miss a beat.
And with Facebook and e-mail and blogs and stuff, it's much easier to stay in touch.
Look, here.
I'll make you a deal.
I promise that, for the rest of our lives I will send one Vine of me doing an impression every week.
- Aw.
- And then you can send me one of you soaping up your boobs.
Three years together, and he finally notices my boobs? Victory! We are all going to be friends for life.
I promise.
And we still have some high school left, right? We need to say good-bye to this place with some heroism and some drama.
We gotta do something so epic that in 30 years time we can just call each other up and reminisce about it.
I know.
Let's sneak a cow into school.
I was thinking more like an overnight lock-in.
I'll talk to the student council, and I'll get them to approve it.
Sounds dangerous.
I'm in.
Yes! Me too.
Three-way show circle? - Get in there.
- A mazing! - I just did the pregnancy stick.
- Yeah? It came up negative.
Oh, Em.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
There's no reason to panic.
I mean, it takes 15 to 20% of couples a full year to get pregnant.
- I know.
- Look, just in case I went ahead and made an appointment at the fertility doctor on the 15th.
And we'll-we'll go.
We'll take a personal day, and we'll both go in together.
I promise you, we'll figure this out.
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Oh, Will, I'm real sorry.
Oh, I don't mean to intrude, William but, uh, far be it from me to tell you how to inseminate a frail, neurotic woman that I hate.
But it occurs to me, you might want to try to relax your already mentally fragile ape-wife instead of making her cervix snap shut like a barnacle by bombarding her with a barrage of pregnancy statistics.
Sue's got a point there, hon.
Oh, stop agreeing with me.
You don't know what you're talking about.
The only thing I can see you giving birth to is a bushel of russet potatoes.
You know, when Michael Bolton impregnated me he called in a favor from his old friend Kenny G who stood at the foot of our bed and serenaded us on soprano sax as Michael used every inch of his enormous silky-smooth vocal range to soothe me into a state of relaxation so deep it could only be described as religious.
I'm serious, Will.
I was looser than a Reno slot machine.
Punkin, it don't matter if you got a she-goat in heat.
You still gotta calm her down before you- knock her up.
That's a saying where I come from.
And where do you come from? It seems like a dude ranch on a nuclear waste site.
What I mean is, if you're ready to get pregnant you gotta make it real natural.
It'll take the pressure off of both of youse.
If you and Emma are ready to start trying, you gotta stop trying.
- - Attention, McKinley students.
I have just been informed that the McKinley High Student Council has voted to approve the first annual senior lock-in this weekend.
And I regret to inform you that I'm canceling this event due to budget cuts, safety concerns and-oh, I don't know- let's say Obamacare.
Tina! Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? The lock-in was canceled! Oh, Tina, why are you so worried about it? We just thought of that yesterday.
I know it would have been our first lock-in, Blaine but it would have been our last lock-in, Blaine and now we don't have that at all! Every day that passes is another day closer to never seeing each other ever again! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Um, uh- How about this? How about- How about we, um, have our own lock-in? - Yeah! - Just the three of us? How would we manage that? Easy.
Here's what we'll do, okay? We'll climb in through one of the choir room windows.
We'll leave one unlocked, and no one will ever notice.
Yeah, how about it, Tina? What do you say? All right.
Let's get you up.
Let's get you out of here.
Now, Tina, I've been meaning to ask you.
Are your boobs getting bigger? Is that possible? Yes.
Yes, they are, Sam.
Thank you.
You're the best.
Lady Hummel, come here.
I need your tiny, delicate, elfin-like fingers to help me fasten this weave.
It's Elliott, actually.
And that's a lot of hair.
- I will take that as a compliment.
- Well, good.
It's all a part of my master plan to psych out Berry so I can play Fanny Brice.
First comes some amazing hair then incredibly sexy rehearsal clothes, which she could never pull off.
And then I'm gonna sneak into the theater and tack up yearbook photos of her from sophomore year when she was a chunky little butterball just to remind her- Hey, once a fatty, always a fatty.
God as my witness, I will break her down.
Oh, girl, this is so high school.
Okay, life is very high school, just with bigger stakes.
And if you knew Berry the way that all of us did, you would be applauding me.
In the beginning, it's all sunshine and giggles and stickers and then, the second that you want the same thing as her a dark cloud comes over her whiskery little chin.
And she will chew you up and spit you out like a Jewish Hillary Clinton.
You know, I-I'm actually just here to get her sheet music.
- Do you know where she keeps it? - Up her butt.
She asked me to come here and pick it up and, you know, she's moving into my apartment.
Whoa! Wait.
Whoa! Wh-What did you just say? How could you do this to me? You are such a traitor! Well, "A," I hardly know you, so I'm not really being a traitor and "B," she needed a place to stay, and I needed the money.
- You need money? - Well, yeah.
Well, maybe Auntie Snixx could help you out with that.
In a world on the verge of graduation one hero stands against evil.
I, the Dark Feather.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay, you made this way more difficult than it needed to be.
Just for the record.
Any excuse to put on that costume.
Well, it's the last chance I get to put it on unless I'm in some kind of creepy fetish club.
- Shh.
Did you guys hear that? - Hear what? The sound of an epic senior lock-in about to start.
Busted! Your fat asses are mine.
Let's get this party started! Eleven-hour energies for everybody! Uh, we don't want to be rude, but- I can't hear you, Chang-Chang! I'm too busy drinkin' my 11 -hour energies! Oh, yeah, baby! Don't you think you need to slow down a little bit on the energy drinks? By the way, how did you even get in here? I climbed through the window, fool! It's time for Twister! Every time you fall down, you drink one of these.
- Becky, we'll die.
- Whoo! Party in the U.
! All right, that-that sounds really fun, um but we were thinking that we would just do our own thing tonight.
Think again, Gay Blaine! If you don't play Twister with me, I'm calling the cops.
Oh, snap! What did you do to the craft room? Finally cleared it all out.
You know, the only work of art that belongs in here is the one we're gonna make together.
Wait, are you setting up the nursery? That's bad luck.
We haven't even conceived yet.
- You worry too much.
- You're just figuring that out now? We both worry too much.
My dreams aren't big, Emma.
I don't want to go to the moon or play third base for the Reds.
I just want to teach art to kids and have a family with the girl of my dreams.
The girl of your dreams probably has a more fertile womb.
Hey, all the doctors said that everything was fine for both of us.
We just need to relax and enjoy this.
We're so afraid of letting each other down that all there is in our home is fear.
What baby's going to want to be born into that space? Not mine.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
Then let's just enjoy the fact that we finally found our one and only true loves and see what magical little spirit wants to come along and join us for the ride.
Mind giving me a hand? Okay.
- Hi, hot stuff.
- Hi.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! You lose again! Time-out.
I-I'm getting a cramp in my leg.
How long have Sam and Tina been gone? Oh, who cares? Tina is boring.
I hate Sam's haircut.
It makes his forehead look too big.
You know what? I'm gonna walk this cramp off.
When you come back, I'll be here.
I can have some more energy drinks.
Sam? Tina! Tina? Oh! What the hell are you doing? - Nothing! - Nothing! What about Nurse Penny, Sam? What, did you just forget about her? And, Tina, you're just-Ugh! - Oh, I can't! - I'm sorry! It was the 11 -hour energies! And cheap, sordid nostalgia.
This was supposed to be our night.
Our little family, our friendly threesome.
It was our last chance to hang out together, and you- you ruined it.
Actually, that was Becky, with her Twister! Blaine, come back! - Rachel, you're late! - I'm sorry.
I was at a fitting.
Table 5-They've been waiting for you.
Well, here we go.
Hi, Rachel.
What's going on here? What's going on here? We have a fatwa against her, remember? Actually, I am paying Elliott to run lines with me and they are going to be letter-perfect by the time you have the tragic accident that sidelines you and leaves you horribly disfigured.
Or did that already happen? I can't tell.
Okay, for the millionth time, that is never, ever going to happen.
I gave you the apartment, I gave you Kurt, and you are never-let me repeat- ever gonna play this part, ever, okay? But you can't take my new best friend.
- You don't own him, Rachel.
- I'm not speaking to you, traitor! Rachel, Table 3 is requesting a number.
The husband and his wife have been coming here every year for the wife's birthday.
Her name is Gloria, and she requested a certain song be performed.
- "Happy Birthday"? - "Gloria" by Laura Branigan.
Okay, well, Ronnie, in that case, even though I'm off duty I think I'll take the lead on this one since Rachel obviously couldn't handle that song.
Come on, bestie.
Back me up? Back both of us up, and then at the end you can decide which one of us is better.
Back both of us up, and then at the end you can decide which one of us is better.
All right, Starchild, it is time to settle this once and for all.
- Who was better? - You're both pretty and I'm not gonna pick sides or choose favorites or anything.
Yeah, well, sometimes you have to.
Well, maybe, but not me, and not for this.
You know what? Until you guys can figure out your stuff, I'm done- - I'm done with the band.
- What? You know what, Santana? You can find a new scene partner.
- Rachel, you can be my roommate, but I'm not your new best gay.
- Ha! And, Kurt? You might be used to this kind of drama, but I'm not.
I'm over it.
Blaine, come on, wait up.
I can't even look at either of you- That's how grossed out I am.
- Please stop.
We owe you an apology.
- Yes.
Yes, you do.
The whole point of this lock-in was for the three of us to have fun together.
Instead, the two of you run off and make it about yourselves with your making out and your gross boob talk.
Blaine, Sam and I just needed to get it out of our system.
We tried making out, and it was hot and everything but we decided that we both don't want to be a couple.
We just needed to explore the possibility, and now it's over.
- It was a silly senior fling.
- That's right.
Now I'm back to finding Tina not attractive again, okay? So, look, Tina and I, we don't want to be a duet.
We want to be a trio again, the three of us.
Why don't the three of us hang out tonight? No Twister, no making out, no Becky.
We tried that, and you ruined it.
You know, I turned down bumper bowling with Kitty and Artie.
And you know how much I love bumper bowling.
I turned it down because I figured they were just gonna make out the whole time - and I didn't want to be a third wheel.
- Fifth wheel.
And then, lo and behold the two of you run off during our fun night of shenanigans and mischief and you turn it into some kind of creepy face-sucking slurp-a-thon which I still can't get out of my head! So I guess you guys can just have fun hanging out by yourselves tonight and fondle each other's boobs, or whatever.
I mean, do you want to? There's no point in trying to broker the peace, Kurt.
I am not interested.
Neither am I.
Although, if you can clear out some space for us here I would be happy to settle this Lima Heights style.
Two men enter, one man leaves.
Okay, I'm gonna give you both one more chance to put the stupidity aside and act like adults.
My feelings are my feelings, and they're not gonna change even if Santana admits that she was wrong.
- You broke this.
- I'm gonna break something, but you are literally- - She broke it.
- The most selfish bitch I've ever met.
We promised each other that we would stick by each other for two years and you guys haven't lasted for two months because you don't care about anyone but yourselves.
How about me? How about the fact that I lost my roommates, huh? Or the fact that you scared off Elliott and now he wants to quit the band? This has nothing to do with the band, Kurt, okay? Santana and I are both professionals.
Blink 182 hated each other and still found a way to continue to suck as a band for years.
You guys don't have to worry about the band because you're out.
- What? - Pamela Lansbury is dead.
I'm starting a new band with Elliott and Dani.
It's gonna be a trio.
Okay, wait.
So my own girlfriend agreed to kick me out of the band? Your girlfriend wants to sing and have fun and she knows that's impossible with you still in the band.
Okay, here is a flyer for our first gig.
I hope the two of you can declare an armistice long enough to come and watch us play.
Thank you, Kurt.
Well, Santana, I hope that you can rise above because I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Make sure you stay on your side of the club, dwarf.
I think I saw a squirrel come out of the back of your hair.
Okay, look, the way I see it is we have two options right now.
One, we can have an all-out catfight right here in the middle of this bar- Which I would win.
Or for the sake of Kurt, we could pretend to be friends, even if it's just for tonight.
But just for tonight, and only because I don't want to get your blood all over my outfit.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Kurt, and welcome.
I know most of you were excited to see Pamela Lansbury perform tonight but unfortunately, I have some sad news.
Pamela Lansbury c'est fini.
- What? - Yeah, but do not worry because rising from the ashes like a phoenix I give you New York's new singing thruple-One Three Hill! Thank you.
Uh, you know, a year ago had someone asked me if I thought I'd ever be a part of a singing trio I would have said absolutely.
Maybe not this combination exactly, as amazing as they are- - Shut up and sing! - But I guess it's like what they say.
Life is one long and windy road and you're never sure what might happen.
Speaking of which- Speaking of which- Oh, my God.
Why are you digging through my panty drawer, lezzie? Well, because before this drawer was filled with crotchless panties and stripper bras- Ah! It was my scented candle drawer.
Elliott's lovely, but he seems to only know how to cook with cumin and curry.
Can we just talk for a second about how you used to have an entire drawer dedicated to scented candles? Maybe another time.
It's funny, but I realized that I really don't have any other girlfriends here in New York City, and you were sort of my only one.
Maybe you should take that as a sign of your horrible personality disorder.
Sorry, but I don't see you cruising around town having cocktails with your gal pals.
I guess we didn't have a lot of girlfriends in high school.
Brittany doesn't count 'cause I was in love with her.
And I guess I had Quinn, but the fact that she lives an hour away and I never thought about calling her should say something to me.
Sucks that we were all so competitive about boys and solos.
I mean, you know, Kurt and Elliott are great but it's just different having someone who really gets it.
I just don't understand.
Like, why my part? Why my understudy? There was an opportunity, and I took it.
You would have done the same thing and then you would have fought to take down whoever was in your way even if it was me.
In New York City, when you ask for a black coffee- Well, you two in the same room, and there are no stitches? That's an improvement.
We were just gonna rehearse.
Uh, Kurt picked out the best trio song ever.
- I was just leaving.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go too.
No, no, no, babe, stay.
It'll make me feel less guilty about being okay with Kurt kicking you out of the band.
I have to go to work.
Hey, for the record, I think you guys are both amazing.
If you manage to patch things up at some point I would love to sing with either of you or cook some curry.
We all would.
Right, well, I don't really see that happening anytime soon and I have to go to rehearsal.
- Excuse me.
- You're a traitor.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, I thought you were gonna climb in through the window.
I think I'm retiring my cape.
Guess you're outgrowing a lot of things.
No, I freaked out.
And I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
I thought we were gonna have the perfect senior year and the one that we got has been so weird and really hard.
And so when I tried to plan the perfect night out and it didn't go the way that- that I'd hoped, I-I flipped out.
And I guess I found it shocking to find two people kissing that I never really expected to find kissing but, really, that happens all the time around here.
- It does.
- Yeah.
You were right, Tina.
Everything is changing and I get why you want to try everything before it changes for good.
But the one thing I can promise is not gonna change is that we are gonna be friends forever.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like the sound of that.
I'm sorry, guys.
What do you all think's gonna happen to this place when we leave? I mean, there's only gonna be, like, three kids in the Glee Club.
It feels so weird to think about Glee Club going on without us.
Well, at least we can leave them with a second national championship to remember us with.
- Ménage à gross.
- Hey, Artie, uh, you want to join us? We're just having a little senior moment if you want to, you know, take part.
Oh, I don't want to interrupt your power trio.
All right, all right, all right, all right! All right.
Okay! Ladies and gentlemen, one week until nationals.
Yeah! Okay, I was planning on ordering dinner in and working you guys deep into the night but then I realized that worrying too much about what you're trying to accomplish actually gets in the way of what you're trying to accomplish.
- Right.
- Huh.
And as a coach who knows what a national championship team looks like I have to say you guys are ready.
Love you! Except for one thing.
Don't forget your sunblock because this time next week, we are gonna be in sunny Los Angeles.
Oh! Wait, Mr.
Schue, Mr.
So, for us seniors, this is one of our last Glee Club meetings.
It's kind of a big deal.
We were wondering if we could just do one last number.
- Yes, please.
- And we wanted to ask Artie to be a part of the trio with us.
If memory serves, a quartet is 25% more powerful.
We're just a little slow at the math.
I was right.
We leave for L.
In two days, Em.
You better start packing.
I know how you like to vacuum-pack all your stuff.
Um, I don't think I'm gonna go with you.
You better go.
Hey, you're our good luck charm.
And besides, we can't miss a prime week of baby-making time.
Well, we can if one has already been made.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is amazing! Wait, wait, wait.
Are you really pregnant, or are you just pretending to be? Because last time somebody told me they were pregnant, it was really bad.
Listen, listen.
The doctor confirmed it.
I'm really, really pregnant with your baby, Will.
I'm gonna have your baby.
Oh! Mmm! Oh, my God.
We're gonna be a real family.
- Just the three of us.
Oh, I love you so much.
- I love you! Oh!
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