Glee s05e12 Episode Script

100

Don't get me wrong.
I know this is a sad day for McKinley and that we've come back to reflect on everything the Glee Club has meant to us- But still, I figured they'd at least put up a poster saying, "Welcome back, Mercedes.
" Look.
No confetti.
No red carpet, even though I called.
- I'm the biggest recording star - biggest Broadway star - this school's ever produced.
- What the hell? - - I would be so excited.
- I'm excited.
- Are you nervous? - Like, a little.
Of course she is.
It's your Broadway debut.
- I know! I can't believe it! - Oh, my God.
- I can't wait for that album to drop.
- Thank you.
I mean, come on, she wrote a couple of songs.
Big whoop.
So what? She got cast in a play as an annoying Jewish girl.
What a surprise.
There's only one way to assert my God-given superiority.
Sit front and center in the Rachel chair.
Greet each other.
Hello, Rachel.
I am so happy to hear about all of your success.
Oh, thank you so much, Mercedes.
And you are looking well.
Thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll make my way to the back of the bus.
Hey, could I get Finn's plaque when we clear this place out? The plaque stays here.
Lillian and Finn belong here at McKinley.
It means so much to me that so many of you came back on such short notice to celebrate the past few years to sit in this room one last time and sing.
Your assignment is to sing one of the songs we sang in here but reinvented in some way.
Way back in the old days when I started the Glee Club I would give an assignment, and then I would- I would give a little demonstration of what I was looking for.
Yeah! See, you all cheer now, but just wait till he starts rapping.
Okay, no hip-hop today, Santana.
However, I have asked a very special person to come join me.
It seemed appropriate since her contributions helped save the Glee Club or, at least, the auditorium way back when.
Please welcome, all the way from Broadway - Miss April Rhodes.
- Hey, y'all! She once taught me how to shoplift meat in my vagina.
Right? So, Mr.
Moneybags says to me- He says, "April Rhodes you sing like an angel and make love like a tiger.
But the old ball and chain's got your number.
So I'm afraid I gots to set you loose.
" So you know what he did? He bought me an island! That's right.
I own my own island in the Caribbean called Santa Aprilrodeo.
It's not war-torn or filled with landslides or got destitute locals in it.
Just me and my manservant Kadeem with long, sensuous nights full of home-brewed poi and intimate massage.
Okay.
Thank you, April - for that wonderful lesson in female empowerment.
- Amen! Amen.
But why are we all holding these plastic champagne flutes? 'Cause we are about to pop the cork with some bubbly.
But don't worry.
This Spumante is a virgin.
Probably like you will be for a long time.
Anyways- Will and I want you to raise your glass to celebrate the Glee Club by singing, hands down the best song New Directions ever did.
The New Directions never sang "Raise Your Glass.
" The Warblers did that.
I was wondering why it didn't annoy me every time I heard it in my head.
I always have had a soft spot in my heart for you prep school boys.
- Well- - Honk! Hit it, boys.
Yeah! Oh, no.
My glass is empty.
That sucks.
I was "The Saw.
" That's what they called me.
I sliced through this school like- well, like a saw.
Dude got in my way, sawed him.
Set my sights on a chick, sawed her.
It would've been like a horror movie if I wasn't so awesome.
But that guy's gone now.
I have a purpose to defend our great country with my superior airpower.
I don't look back.
The past - it's dead to me.
Except for maybe just one thing.
- Hey, Puck.
- Hey.
So, uh, have you noticed how hot I look in my uniform? It does look a little bit itchy.
- Are you serious? - I'm just kidding.
You look really handsome.
It's not just the uniform either.
You've got this newfound confidence about you.
So, um, do you know what song you're gonna sing for the Glee Club? I'm not sure.
Maybe we could go to Breadstix mull some potentials.
You know that's my tickle spot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I got bored sitting at the hotel.
Who's this? Puck, this is my boyfriend, Biff McIntosh.
- Like the apple? - Yeah.
Exactly like it.
My family planted the first McIntosh apple orchard in Pennsylvania.
So every time you have one of our apples, we get a nickel.
This is my very old, dear, dear friend Noah Puckerman.
Puck.
Puckerman.
Is that Jewish? She never told you about me? How long have you been going out? About three months.
Well, Quinn doesn't really like to talk about her past which is why I insisted on coming back to see it for myself as boring as you said it might be.
I said, "If you want to meet Mother I have to really get to know you first.
" Wait.
You call your mother "Mother"? I need to show Biff the auditorium.
Thank you so much.
It's been great talking to you, Puck.
Yeah, it's good to meet you.
And nice uniform.
Looks a little itchy though.
Hey.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
What are you doing? I'm trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis.
- Who's forcing you to do this? - My colleagues at M.
I.
T.
They say that I have the most gifted mind in a generation.
Miss Pierce what's 5,752,293,288 divided by 958,715,548? I don't know.
Six? I just wish that I could have my old life back where I wasn't a mathematical genius and all I wanted to do was to scissor you and talk to my cat.
Well, what do you say you and I reunite a little threesome called the Unholy Trinity? That is what I'm talking about, kiddos.
What did you think, Mr.
Preppy McDimplebutt? Oh, I thought it was, um, very energetic.
Dude, you were texting the whole time.
You know, he's very busy.
He's, um, president of a-of a secret society and also captain of the water polo team.
- You were great.
- Mmm.
Well, you were amazing as usual.
No, I wasn't.
During the bridge, I was out of sync 1/16th of a seventh step.
What are you talking about? You're the most amazing dancer I've ever met.
No, I need to focus on what I'm good at, quantitative algorithms.
And if there's any time left in the day hosting my popular Internet talk show.
That's some hot dish! Hello, America.
I'm Brittany S.
Pierce.
And Fondue for Two has been on hiatus because, as it turns out, I'm a genius.
Tonight's guests are two of McKinley's most famous nonmathematical geniuses Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry.
- Question, Rachel.
- Yes.
You're currently rehearsing for the lead role in a Broadway musical.
You're also working full-time as a singing waitress at a diner and enrolled full-time as a student at NYADA.
That's correct.
Would you agree that it's slightly irresponsible for you to leave New York for an entire week for no other reason than the Glee Club's been canceled? Uh-No.
I just- When are the lies going to stop? You don't even live in New York.
I'm not even sure you've been to New York.
- Brittany, we went to New York together.
- Don't change the subject.
Are your cats making out? Yes, they are.
Mercedes, how would you respond to the rumors - that you're a really good dancer- - Huh! But you hid the fact the entire time you were in Glee Club so Mr.
Schue would allow you to, quote, "park and bark"? - No comment.
- Good.
Last question.
Do you know what song you're going to sing for Mr.
Schue's last assignment? Yes.
"Defying Gravity.
" What? No.
You can't sing that song.
Kurt and I are singing it, but we're switching parts so that I can belt out the high note at the end.
That's not reinventing a song.
You can't do that.
You know what, Mercedes? Why don't we settle this the old-fashioned way? A diva-off? Oh, hell to the yes.
It's on.
I've never really noticed because I haven't spent that much time around them.
But poor people are generally less attractive than rich ones.
It means so much to me that you came back here.
You know, it makes us feel so much more real.
Yeah, well, we are very real.
I love you, Quinn.
And I want to really get to know you.
Well, what do you wanna know? I can tell you so many things, like the time that I- Oh, no, not you.
Hey, guys.
Come here.
Yeah, you- Come on.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Santana Lopez.
Word on the street is that you're old money.
I'm a lesbian, but I'm totally into that.
- Mike Chang, Asian dancer.
- Hi.
And I'm Artie Abrams.
I may look like a dweeb in a wheelchair but my girlfriend's a cheerleader.
So what about Quinn? How would you describe her in one sentence? She's constantly surprising you.
Like, one year she showed up to school in the fall and decided she wanted to be a skank.
She dyed her hair pink, she got a Ryan Seacrest tattoo and then lit a purple piano on fire.
Well, hold on one second.
A piano? I mean- They're-They're messing with you.
Honey, I forgot my purse in the car and I'd really love my lipstick and some lady things.
Oh, absolutely.
I'll go get it for you, sweetheart.
No worries.
What the hell was that? I am trying to present myself in a particular way.
Biff's family is Philadelphia Main Line society and if I get in with that, then my life is set.
How do you cover up the tattoo, you know? Like, what, magic? I pay my roommate to apply three coats of cover-up makeup to my lower back before I see him.
Does he know about us? About Beth? I will tell him everything when I'm ready.
The agreement clearly states that the provider of the funds- in this case, the April Rhodes Charitable Foundation independent L.
L.
C.
- is, quote, "solely responsible for the maintenance and operation of this facility until such funds are no longer provided.
" - Which means? - Which means as long as I'm paying for that auditorium I gets to say who performs there.
If you'd like to start paying for it- We can't do that.
School doesn't have the money.
Then it sounds like the Glee Club is saved and that we're moving full-time to the auditorium.
I will have my team review this and get back to you tomorrow.
Um, and let's hold off on any official announcements until then.
Agreed? Let's get some box wine to celebrate.
Whoo! Becky.
There's something fishy going on around here.
We're going to get to the bottom of it.
We're going to get to the bottom of it.
All right, everybody, I wish I could say that this week isn't about competing against each other but time for one last diva-off.
And, apparently, the only song we can sing in a diva-off is "Defying Gravity.
" Wait.
So we have to listen to Kurt shred that note again? For the millionth time, I did it on purpose.
And after we're done singing the song, there will be a secret ballot where you guys can finally answer the age-old question who is the true star of the Glee Club Me or Mercedes? It's funny.
Even now, all of the success in the outside world doesn't feel as important.
Wow! That song should be on the Broadway.
All right, let's stop playing around.
It's time to vote.
Actually, let's just take a beat and just enjoy how amazing those performances were.
We'll sleep on it and we'll vote tomorrow.
But today, right now, you are all winners.
Knight takes pawn.
Kiki, your move.
Pawn to A-6.
Clever, for a pinko communist.
Knight to C-3.
Brittany, what the hell is this? The chess club is helping me re-create the historic 1972 world championship between Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky.
And it's the only creative outlet I have now that my life is one never-ending math equation.
This is freaking me out.
This is not you.
You love to dance.
And I know that you think that you're a little rusty right now but you'll get it back.
I'll prove it to you.
- How? - Let's do a number together.
No.
Those days are over.
This is my life now.
Bishop to E-3.
It all comes down to how cool you are.
Rachel Berry, she represents Broadway, the past.
I'm the future, a pop diva.
I mean, she may be a pop diva but the fact is is that this song is a hit from one of the longest-running Broadway musicals of all time.
Question.
Why do they call it Broadway when most of the theaters are actually not on Broadway? You know, this vote asks the question what is Glee Club? Is it a training ground for theme park and cruise ship performers who can't wait to get on some outdoor stage and belt out Pippin or is it a place where stars are born? You know, the kind of stars that you actually hear on the radio.
I beat Kurt singing this song in our first diva-off.
I am better than her.
I've always been better than her.
Just vote for me.
And let's settle this once and for all time.
Amen.
So, you two are gettin' hitched.
When's the happy occasion? Well, we don't know just yet.
We were gonna wait to set a date.
We're enjoying a long engagement.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times the one thing this country needs more of is teen marriage.
I've got your wedding present.
- It's a little hooch.
- Oh.
It'll help dull the excruciating pain of your wedding night sodomy and the inevitable divorce that you're careening towards a couple months later.
Okay, guys, we're having our secret ballot at the end of class but before we get to that, Puckerman has asked to do a number.
Actually, Mr.
Schue, I was hoping, for this number, that we could move- Hold up.
Hold up, Private Puckerman.
I'm gonna let you finish, but first, I would like to uphold the tradition of hijacking this Glee Club and making everyone sit through what is basically an intervention.
Mr.
Schue, you said that we could redo some of our favorite numbers, right? Well, then I wanna do a dance duet with Brittany.
Hit it.
See? This is who you are.
This is what happens when you don't think about it.
Wow.
I wouldn't want to follow that number, but if you're still up for it, Puck- Well, you know what? For my number, I think, uh, we should move to the auditorium.
I guess I can still saw your heart.
I loved the song.
But I'm not crying over you.
I'm crying because until you sang that song I had actually forgotten about it.
Then in a couple of years, we'll forget all of this.
Well, that's why you got to keep holding on to your past and not be ashamed of it.
I'd rather look forward.
We all love you for who you are.
And I'm in love with Biff.
All right, everybody, no more drama.
Time to vote for either Rachel or Mercedes.
Excuse me, Schuester.
Before we cast another pointless vote in a meaningless contest that has absolutely no practical ramifications whatsoever I would like to say some words about my good friend Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry is the most horrible human being on the planet.
- What? - Can it, troll.
- Santana- - You have sold half the people in this room down the river more times than I can count so that you can get a solo or the lead in a musical and I'm pretty sure that you don't know the names of the other half of the people.
That's not true.
All right, what is his name? - Rick.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
See, you've all met Rachel, okay? But I-I live with her.
Let me tell you what it's like to share a bathroom with a stubby, under-grown little cretin.
Someone in that apartment shaves their face and leaves their stubble in the sink and we all know it ain't Kurt, so do the math.
- That's a lie.
- You know what else is a lie? - When you won prom queen.
- What? Yeah, that's right.
You didn't win, okay? Everybody just felt really bad for you and the two people that you hate most in this whole world, Quinn and I stuffed the ballot box so that you would win.
You're so cruel, Santana.
You're only doing this to me because I'm the lead of Funny Girl and you're just the lowly understudy.
You wanna make me feel bad because I'm better than you and you're an awful person.
Well, I feel so much better.
Let's vote.
Well, that Santana rant really brought me back.
You don't even know what it's like in New York.
I mean, Santana and I were close for, like, a minute but now it's like every single day is exactly like that.
And now it's like no matter where I go or what I do I'm just back in high school again.
You know, every time a producer or an agent tells me that I'm not good enough or that I'm not ready God, it's like Santana is saying it.
Or Puck or Quinn, or anybody that's been here that's ever made me feel small.
Sometimes it's even you.
I'm one of your high school ghosts? It's not necessarily a bad thing.
I just use all of that stuff, and I let it motivate me.
It just makes me sad that you would think that I'm one of your tormentors.
I guess I just-I don't know.
I had this feeling that it was always me and you against everyone else.
You were never like them.
You were just always the best damn singer that I've ever heard.
You know, and I want you to be all big and rich and famous.
I just wanna be richer and bigger and more famous.
Oh, don't you think that Beyoncé and Barbra feel that way? Girl, I don't know.
Ask me when I get my first gold record.
Okay? Well, I mean, I will have won my first Tony by then, so- Oh.
Come here.
Ohh! After the unpleasantness of our last encounter I decided to do some deep background to investigate your claims conducted an intensive Wikipedia search that took all of 25 seconds.
You, April Rhodes were the mistress of local strip-mall magnate Buddy Leibowitz whose wife offered you two million dollars to keep the affair quiet after her husband's untimely demise.
It was that money that you placed into an annuity to fund the auditorium in perpetuity.
- That's right.
- Well, it didn't last.
In fact, that money ran out six weeks ago.
- How? - Will Schuester's profligate spending and his penchant for staging elaborate private bacchanalia replete with extravagant scenery and costumes not seen since the reign of Caligula.
I have here a line-item budget of the jungle set you constructed onstage a few weeks back so the Glee Club could perform a Katy Perry song literally for just you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Let me see that.
I don't know what the problem is.
But whatever money the Glee Club needs, I'm good for it.
April Rhodes is rich.
No, April Rhodes is under indictment from the Securities and Exchange Commission and in violation of her three million dollar bail that forbids her from leaving the state of New York.
- Oh, snap! - Wait.
What? Well, what April may have neglected to mention is that her most recent john was none other than the disgraced financier Bernie Madoff.
All of April's assets, including her private island, have been frozen.
April, is this true? Gulp.
Sure sounds true, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Will.
It does appear that the Glee Club is indeed over.
- Ohh! - Will, wait.
Wait.
- This is yours.
- Will, wait.
I can explain.
Explain what, April? That you're a pathological liar whom I never should have trusted? Yes, exactly.
You did the worst thing you possibly could've done.
You gave me hope.
What are you talking about? A tattoo? - It's not that bad.
It was- - On your lower back is not that- Ryan Seacrest? - I could get it removed.
- There's not a laser big enough.
It's the size of Texas.
- You should've told me this weeks ago.
- We're in the 20th century.
- Is there a problem? - The 21 st, almost.
- Puck, go away, okay? - Was she always this big of a liar? I'm coming clean now.
Doesn't that mean something? Wha-A baby? What happens if we got married and this kid shows up looking for money? Are you crazy? Was this the loser who knocked you up? - Yes, yes.
Puck is the father.
- Yeah.
I'm looking for acceptance here, okay? This is how I love.
That may be how you and your loser friends love but where I come from, you carry your past with you.
You are the worst kind of hypocrite.
You walk around like you're some Snow frickin' White but you're really just a dirty little slutbag.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - You shouldn't have said that.
Let go of my nose! Ow! God, let go! Am I bleeding? Not yet.
You're hurting him.
Stop.
- Kind of the point.
- Biff, knock it off! Stop! Help me get him out of here.
Do you have any idea how much better you are than this guy? Look, you can crawl into the trash and help him out or you can come be with your real friends in the choir room.
I'll be waiting.
All right, it's time to get this voting nonsense out of the way so that we can continue on with what you all came here for, the music.
Y'all can use your left hand for anonymity.
- But I'm left-handed.
- Then use a foot.
Okay.
Dude, who you puttin' on? Well, I'm torn.
One is black and one is Jewish.
Okay, that's everybody.
So, um, sorry about that outburst earlier.
Mercedes and I have been talking.
And we both realize that asking you guys to vote for who's more talented is just- it's completely ridiculous, unproductive and narcissistic.
I mean, how could we ask you guys to choose between two beautiful queen divas? Well, funny enough they did vote, and they did choose.
And guess what.
You're both equally talented in their eyes.
And mine.
- Tie.
- Love that.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'd like to apologize.
It's not the first time I've raised someone's hopes and then left them on the rocky shores of disappointment and regret.
Just ask all of my A.
A.
Sponsors.
April, we just wanna spend the rest of the week singing in peace.
But what I did do was use the last few hours of my NetJets account to bring in someone whose infectious happiness surely will make the next few days that much brighter.
Ladies and gentlemen- Hola, clase.
April, thank you for buttering the floor for me.
You know I like to make an entrance.
Wha-I'm sorry.
How-How do you two know each other? Oh, because there's a whole Facebook page for people who were guests of Glee Club.
- I'm on it.
April- - Blaine's brother.
Rachel's mom.
That Mexican guy.
Holly, this is amazing.
- Where have you been? - Oh, I've been everywhere.
I quit being a substitute teacher because I couldn't stand being tied down.
I like teaching a roomful of kids if I know I'm never gonna see them again.
But then if you're any good at it, they keep asking you back which kind of defeats the purpose.
So I started my trademark Holly Holliday Teachin' Pop-Ups.
I just show up at a classroom, unannounced teach a lesson and get the hell out of there.
Hello.
I'm William Henry Harrison America's worst president.
I exterminated a nation of Native Americans and it got me elected.
But I refused to wear a coat to my inauguration so I caught a cold and died a month later.
I accomplished nothing.
There she is.
She just showed up and she took over my class.
Tippecanoe! But when I heard Glee Club was ending I ripped off my Pol Pot uniform hopped on that first flight out of Buenos Aires and came to pay my respects.
Holly, you know that we're singing our favorite Glee Club songs we've already sung before.
That's a terrible idea.
Listen, that might be fine for you nerds but when Holly Holliday's in town this hot bitch is not looking in the rearview mirror.
She's looking forward.
Hit it.
Whoo! Yeah! He forgave us for what we did, right? A long time ago.
We saved him.
Rachel was his soul mate.
Who's yours? Biff? He's going back to Yale.
Alone.
This is so not cool.
They can't just chain you to a calculator and keep you as their math monkey.
Wait.
Do those actually exist? You need to be having a life.
You need to be out in the world going to restaurants and concerts and-and dating.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna blow this place too.
Unless there's a reason for me to stay.
'Cause I know who my soul mate is.
Okay, um- It's a bad idea.
You wouldn't want me.
I'm terrible at having a relationship that involves any level of honesty.
I love you.
Just tell me to stay.
'Cause the truth is there's only one guy that you were ever really honest with.
It feels really good to be around you.
You make me feel like a girl again, like my body wakes up.
Please don't do this, okay? I have worked my ass off to get over you.
I really wanna be with you, Santana.
I've seen the world and I'm sure now more than ever that I belong with you.
And I'm sure your girlfriend's great but you can't re-create what you and I have.
Just tell me to stay.
Please.
It's your choice.
If you want me, I'm here.
Stay.
I want to show you guys something.
All of you that were together from the very beginning when the Glee Club was just a dream.
Their new and final resting places.
For as long as McKinley's around all the students who travel through this auditorium are gonna see these.
And have absolutely no idea who they are.
You know what? This is crazy because I could really give two poops about this place but this is really getting to me.
I know.
Why is that? We were all raised by different parents but we grew up together in the Glee Club.
It's a part of all of us.
Of course you're sad about it.
I don't know, Mr.
Schue.
With this and Finn it's kind of hard to believe that anything lasts.
I don't have any more pep talks.
I just have you guys and the memory of the people on this wall.
My friends.
I mean, we share this special bond.
We're the only ones in the world who know what this Glee Club meant to us what it felt like to sing together to be-to be together and what it feels like to say good-bye to it.
I didn't come here to cheer you up just to thank you.
To thank you for going on this ride with me.
All right, come on.
We've still got a few days until, uh, Sue shuts the lights out on the choir room so let's make the most of them.
I mean, I know we got to finish our wine first but when we do, we cannot let that Glee Club go the way of the dodo.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Holly Holliday we are gonna save that Glee Club.