Glee s06e03 Episode Script

6ARC03 - Jagged Little Tapestry

How do you call yourselves a sheet music store if you don't have the soundtrack of Smash? Ugh, I know, it's like a show choir hate crime.
Hi, Blaine.
And Dave.
Don't tell me that we have to figure out alternating sheet music days.
No.
No, of course not.
It's fine.
So, uh, I've been helping Blaine put together - his Warblers song list.
- Oh But it's just like pulling teeth to get this guy off Broadway.
Or even off-off-Broadway, if you know what I mean, right? Um, it's good to see you, Kurt.
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time There's something wrong here There can be no denying One of us is changing Or maybe we've just stopped trying And it's too late, baby Now it's too late Though we really did try to make it Something inside has died And I can't hide it I just can't fake it Oh, no, no No, no Oh, no No, no It used to be so easy living here with you Here with you You were light and breezy And I knew just what to do Now you look so unhappy And I feel like a fool I feel like a fool And it's too late, baby Now it's too late Though we really did try to make it Something inside has died And I can't hide it I just can't fake it Oh, no, no No, no, no Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na Na, Na, Na, Na, Na Oh, it's too late Baby, it's too late Now, darling It's too late.
I ran into Blaine and Karofsky last night.
Then I spent the rest of the night having a fantasy about singing "It's Too Late" all over town.
Oh, no.
Hey.
Why don't we use Carole King's seminal break-up album Tapestry as this week's lesson? Yeah, it's brilliant, but, I mean, it's sort of a downer, don't you think? If we're gonna do a break-up album, then it has to be Jagged Little Pill, 'cause it's modern and edgy and angry.
And isn't that the kind of energy that we want these new kids expressing? Yeah, but I bet none of these kids have even heard of Tapestry, and that's just wrong.
And Mr.
Shue was a little obsessed with rap and Journey, but at least we all left Glee Club with a better understanding and appreciation of all kinds of music.
You know? It's our job to educate as well as win competitions, you know? Maybe it was easier for Mr.
Shue 'cause he didn't have a partner to answer to.
I I'm just, you know, getting worried about this co-teaching thing.
I don't want us to start hating each other.
Wait, why don't we do both albums? We'll make it a mash-up week.
Think about it, uh, Jagged Little Pill and Tapestry.
Two great albums written by great singer-songwriters.
That's brilliant because then we can educate them and get them fired up at the same time.
We're so good! Yes, on fire, Rachel, fire! You and me, together.
Sorry I'm late.
I think I got some bad sushi last night.
I seriously did not get off the pot until about So, uh, how was practice? Uh, you know, amazing, yeah.
Only two guys passed out from dehydration.
Well, you can't criticize the results.
The guys love you.
They work hard for you.
Like I say, Miracle Whip works fine on a burger, but You can't use it to skin a cat.
Thanks, Coach, yeah.
Um, no, I'm having the time of my life here.
I mean, if you asked me what my dream was, like, right now, besides like, having one of those, like, giant talking M&M's and, uh, making it my pet it would probably be to take over your job when you retire.
It's, like, my ultimate fantasy.
You could do it, too.
You've got the gift, Sam.
That's why I've been entrusting you in running practice couple days a week.
Oh, hey, um Are you, uh Are you are you okay? - What? - I I mean, like I said, I-I'm super grateful, um but, frankly, everybody thinks it's kind of suspicious for you to skip out of practice at all.
Well, you tell 'em to mind their own damn business! Whoa, uh, nobody's accusing you of anything.
I and definitely not me.
Honestly, I'm, you know, I'm just I'm worried about you.
It-it's my knee.
Looks like I'm gonna have to have it replaced again.
And I'll probably have to take off a couple weeks.
Is that all? God, okay, I was worried it was something more serious.
I mean, like Well, that explains the extra leg hair.
It must hurt to shave.
I've been trying to keep it hush-hush.
You know, I feel like the-the team needs to see me as, like, Iron Shannon, you know, this invincible titan.
Hey, Coach es.
Uh you got a second to talk about the starters for Friday? I'll post it Friday morning, same as always.
I want a shot at quarterback.
You're my best receiver.
I've been taking snaps in practice for weeks.
I came in the last four minutes of the game against Central and threw for four first downs.
And no touchdowns.
And you know why? Because you didn't have you to throw to.
I told you this 50 times.
You take Fred Flintstone off the brontosaurus, all he is, is Wilma with a set of man-plumbs.
Conversation over.
Look, dude, man.
Tough break, buddy, okay? I think you're like a majestic knight riding a horse.
If it were up to me, I'd give you a shot.
Okay, why don't I start it with the title, and then you can just segue into the theme.
Or I could start with the title, and then we could both segue into the theme.
Welcome, everyone, to our very first Glee Club rehearsal.
First, I would like to welcome back our distinguished alumni who have so graciously agreed to stay an extra week.
So, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yeah, how exactly are you guys doing that? Oh, I can bend time and space with my mind.
Okay, so, as you very well have heard, the glee club has a grand and glorious tradition of starting each week with a lesson where we explore every musical genre under the sun.
But mostly Katy Perry and show tunes.
Not this week.
Rachel and I are extremely excited to kick off this week's lesson with our First musical lesson, "Jagged Little Tapestry.
" Oh, look, finally some songs about Rachel's hair extensions.
Now, as you can clearly see, we've combined the titles of these two iconic albums Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill.
Which is celebrating its And Carole King's Tapestry.
That-that's my favorite.
So these two iconic albums are sort of like chocolate and peanut butter.
Both Or peanut butter and jelly.
Okay, they're both different but amazing.
You know, you could say that they're sort of - like the Reese's Pieces of music.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right? - Or, if you don't like Reese's Pieces, you could name another candy of your choice.
Okay, Kurt, why don't you now Well-well, Carole King's Tapestry is-is you know, it's easy and informal, like you're getting a cup of coffee with an old friend.
Team Carole.
Good choice.
Okay, and Alanis is different.
- You know, she's edgy and dark - Angry.
Team Alanis.
Yeah, and this is why we wanted it to be your first lesson.
Because, like Alanis and Carole, you can look at every situation from two different points of view, you know? It's about combining I think what Kurt is trying to say is that it's about working together and using this lesson to grow as a team.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
What is it exactly you want us to do? Just sit and smile like I did for three years.
So, our weekly lesson is to find a partner that has a different style than you and work together to mash up an Alanis and a Carole song.
Kurt and I will demonstrate - probably tomorrow? - What? We Let me tell you something why do you keep interrupting me? You're interrupting me, and you're confusing them.
You're confusing the hell out of them.
Or how about since you and Porcelain obviously have some issues to iron out, Brittany and I will go first.
- Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.
That'd be great.
Quinn, can I talk to you for a sec? Artie told me that you said that Brown was not an Ivy League school.
That's not what I said.
I said it's barely an Ivy League school.
Becky.
I thought you were in college.
I am, idiot.
I came back because I'm in trouble.
I need help.
I met a guy named Darrell, and now he's my boyfriend.
And I'm madly in love.
Well, that's amazing.
Shut up.
I know.
I brought him home to Lima so he can meet my parents.
Okay, so what's the problem? Bitch! The problem is that I lied to him.
I told Darrell that I was the president of every club at school.
Becky, that's an insane web of lies.
I know, whore.
But that's not the worst part.
I told him that I was in Glee Club.
Wait, why would you tell him that? Because he was in Glee Club in high school, and I want to impress him by my singing voice.
You got to let me sing at the glee club when Darrell comes to school tomorrow.
Becky, we will do whatever it takes to help you.
Thanks, Kitty.
You know, I am pretty sure that our fish ancestors crawled out of the ooze and got legs just to be able to scissor.
Well, actually, scissoring was invented by the ancient Egyptians, which is weird because actual scissors weren't invented for many centuries after that.
True story.
You know, I have to say, I'm kind of really digging this back-to-the-future for Glee Club.
If for no other reason than to mess with Berry and her sad gay.
But I have the perfect mash-up idea for us to perform this week.
So do I.
Okay, you go first.
Three, two, one.
"I Feel the Earth Move" and "Hand in My Pocket.
" "You Oughta Know.
" No, see, you're supposed to do a song - from each album.
- Okay, but I refuse to be restrained by the laws of man.
I like to think outside of the box.
No, listen.
Okay.
Aren't we here to help the glee club get back on top? And don't you think that teaching the power of a mash-up would totally contribute to that? Okay, I may be a genius, but how can I argue with the logic of your giant, generous heart? Come here.
Ugh, we are so awesomely in love.
- I would totally hate us if I didn't know us.
- I was thinking.
I think that you and I should live in New York together.
You know? I-I want to go back to college NYU or Columbia And you can just go.
.
Wherever I get in, genius.
How much fun would it be to be back in school together again? It'd be amazing! I love you, Britt.
I love you, too.
I'm serious, I mean living my life with you is one of the few things that's actually as good in real life as it is in my imagination.
Like rain in phones.
Exactly.
I'm serious.
You make me so happy.
And I'm never going to stop doing just that.
As a math genius, I am one of the few people who understands the concept of infinity, and I will love you until infinity, Santana Lopez.
And I will love you until infinity, too, Britt.
No, Becky, there's no way this wouldn't impress that new boyfriend of yours.
But, Coach, I feel bad that I lied.
Oh, honey, all healthy relationships are built on lies.
When I got married, I pledged to be totally honest at all times.
And you know what? I'm pretty sure that's why I ended up divorcing myself.
Coach, he's here! Darrell's here! Ooh, can't wait to meet him.
This is when I campaigned against fracking with Mark Ruffalo.
Young man? Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
What are your intentions with Ms.
Jackson? Well uh, today I intend to take Becky to Fuddruckers for lunch.
Actually, Becky, we need to go if we're gonna beat the rush.
I will bring the car around.
Nice to meet you, Principal Sylvester.
Aw! Isn't he dreamy, Coach? I'm so in love! I'm broke, but I'm happy I'm poor, but I'm kind I'm short, but I'm healthy, yeah I'm high, but I'm grounded I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed I'm lost, but I'm hopeful, baby What it all comes down to What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine 'Cause I got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving a high five 'Cause I got one hand in my pocket I feel the Earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumbling down Tumbling down I feel my heart start a-trembling Whenever you're around What it all comes down to What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be quite all right 'Cause I got one hand in my pocket And the other one is flicking a cigarette Yeah, I got one hand in my pocket Ooh, baby Baby When I see your face Mellow as the month of May Oh, darling Darling I can't stand it When you look at me That way I feel drunk, but I'm sober I'm young and I'm underpaid I'm tired, but I'm working, yeah What it all comes down to, my friends, yeah Is that everything is just I feel the sky tumbling down Fine, fine, fine I feel my heart start a-trembling Whenever you're around I got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing a piano I feel the Earth move under my feet What it all comes down to, my friends What it all comes down to Yeah Is that everything is just Fine, fine, fine 'Cause I got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailing a taxicab I feel the sky Tumbling down.
And that is how a mash-up is done, everyone.
No, actually this is.
Britt, can you take a seat? Okay.
So, I figure that this is as good a place as any to ask you this question.
Um, mainly because it's gonna really upset all the single guys and gals in here.
But I want to mash up with you forever, Britt.
I mean, some people love someone because they make them a better person, and that's not why I love you, because you've always just wanted me to be myself.
You're my favorite person in the whole world, and we're a big deal, you know? Like, no matter how many times we've tried to put our thing down and walk away from it, we can't because I don't want to live my life without my one true love.
And I normally use a lot of words when I'm saying something negative, so since this is the most positive thing I'm ever gonna do, I'm gonna keep it simple.
Brittany S.
Pierce will you marry me? Wait, what is happening? This kind of thing happens in here all the time.
Just go with it.
Oh, my God.
I would love to.
- Really? - I would love to.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I-I just have to speak now or forever hold my peace.
Um, normally you save that kind of thing for the wedding.
Did you learn nothing from me and Blaine? We're too young to get married.
All of us.
Um, as somebody who has lived their life jealously attacking the happiness of others, even I can't hate this engagement.
You guys are perfect together.
Thank you, Tina.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You want me to fire Coach Beiste? I don't want you to fire her.
I didn't even want to come talk to you.
It's just I've been really worried, and I felt like I had to.
- She's been acting really weird.
- How so? Well, first, I noticed that Sam Evans had been running practices a lot because she's been absent so much.
And also she started yelling all the time about the stupidest things.
Listen, I-I can't just fire somebody for yelling.
I'm teaching a class in pedagogical screaming over at the community college.
- I'd look like a hypocrite.
- No, but, listen, here's the kicker, last night, when Coach Beiste was locking up she was wearing this shirt from the Victoria's Secret.
Truck Driver collection that was, like, five sizes too small, and she was scarfing down all these drugs.
She had, like, three bottles of pills on her desk.
Well, I appreciate your coming to me.
I'm actually quite envious of all the snooping around you've been able to do without detection.
It's like you're Batman, only gay.
- I guess it's like you're Batman.
- Look, she's a great coach, and I don't want her to get fired.
All I'm saying is that if she did, Sam Evans could take over.
He's young, he's exciting, and he's got a lot of fresh ideas that could bring this football team another championship.
Kurt, I just I don't think you're being supportive.
You're right.
I'm not being supportive.
I'm not gonna support something that I know from personal experience is a horrible decision that they're going to regret.
Oh, Kurt, can I have a word with you? Oh, um, I'm gonna go.
No, Unibrow, stay.
Kurt, I took what you said to heart, and I thought long and hard about it, and it occurred to me that you may have a point.
Okay, maybe Brittany and I are too young to get married.
I mean, after all, that's why it didn't work out with you and Blaine, right? Or maybe it didn't work out because you're a judgmental little gerontophile with a mouth like a cat's ass.
Maybe Blaine got tired of hearing your shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement every time you so much as cooked macaroni and cheese together or farted.
Maybe Blaine didn't want to be with someone who looks like they just removed their top row of dentures every time they smile or someone who doesn't dress like an extra out of one of Andy Dick's more elaborate wet dreams.
Maybe Blaine grew weary of dating a breathier, more feminine Quinn Fabray.
Maybe he finally got freaked out by your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer.
Maybe he got tired of watching you drape yourself on every piano you happen to pass to entertain exactly no one with, say, some song that Judy Garland choked on her tongue in the middle of or some sassy old Broadway standard made famous by another dead alcoholic crone.
Maybe Blaine woke up one day and said, "You know what, I don't want to marry a sexless, "self-centered baton twirler.
Maybe I need someone who knows more than three dance moves.
" The finger wag, the shoulder shimmy and the one where you pretend to twirl two invisible rainbow-colored ribbons attached to your hips.
So, you know what, maybe that's why it didn't work out.
Maybe it has nothing to do with me and Brittany.
Maybe it's just that you are utterly, utterly intolerable.
Maybe that has something to do with it.
__ It's gonna be fun.
You know, you just, like, tuck behind.
Yeah.
Roll the arms.
To the right.
Turn to the right.
Clap.
Turn to the left.
All right, sluts, I'm out.
Becky, we just started practice ten minutes ago.
I have a dinner date with Darrell.
Look, Becky, if you're too tired, just say so.
You don't have to lie.
I'm not lying, Tanya.
But here's a lie: you guys getting in college.
Oh.
Oh, snap! Freshmen 15s in the house.
There he is.
Told you.
Sorry, Becks, but we got to fly if we're gonna make our - And you know they don't like to hold a table.
- Let's hit it, boyfriend.
Deuces.
Uh, nice to meet you.
Hi.
- I'm morally outraged.
- Thank you.
I gained five pounds max.
We've got to talk to Sue.
Right.
Darrell.
Of course.
Ugh.
Why are you using Mounds bars? Aren't jelly beans more traditional? Mounds bars are the lesbians of candies.
Jelly beans are the gays, of course.
I used my better-than-yours math brain to figure out exactly how many minutes Santana and I have spent together, and I'm putting the mini Mounds bars into this giant jar to give to her as an engagement present.
I am so sorry that I interrupted your proposal.
I'm bitter.
I have this firm belief that people shouldn't get married until they're 30.
But I believe in you and Santana.
You remind me of Blaine and me.
Except for the fact that she and I are actually still together.
I'd like to believe that we're just on a hiatus.
And I'd like to think that Lord Tubbington isn't secretly videotaping me while I'm in the shower and selling it on Craigslist.
Doesn't make it true.
Okay, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, um, he's moving in with Dave Karofksy.
You know, Blaine.
Not Lord Tubbington.
I was just helping them decorate yesterday.
Wow.
Yay! Where's the bed? I had it removed, 'cause when I pictured you two having sex, I imagined a U-Haul mounting a moped.
You need to start getting over him.
Okay, move on.
Start seeing somebody else.
I'm sure there's another person in this world who will understand and appreciate your particular brand of eccentricity.
I know, but I just feel like, if I start seeing someone else or just even go on a date, that I'll be admitting that it's over, and I-I I don't want to do that.
You know these Mounds bars are delicious, but you have to eat them.
If you just hold them in your hand hoping that you might get to eat them one day, they're going to melt.
Then you'll look like somebody just pooped in your hand.
Don't let waiting for things to maybe work out with Blaine turn you into the guy who looks like somebody just pooped in your hand.
I have missed you, Britt.
I know.
I am awesome.
What are you doing? What do you think you're doing?! Sorry.
I don't see what the problem is.
The problem is, you're dating.
Coach Sylvester's daughter Robin, and she is not - okay with it.
- Hey, Roz, uh, we're not talking about my daughter Robin.
We're talking about Becky Jackson.
She's not my daughter.
I thought your daughter had Down syndrome.
My daughter does have Down syndrome, as did my late sister.
However, Becky Jackson does have Down syndrome, but she is merely my best friend and confidante.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
Your daughter, your sister and your best friend all have Down syndrome? What? Okay, look, Darrell, Becky is our friend, and we have some questions for you.
Like where did you even meet? At a Quiznos, actually, across the street from her college.
She came in, and she ordered every sandwich on the menu, and then she tried to pay with a $10,000 bill that she counterfeited.
I thought she was really cool and funny.
We started hanging out.
And when you "hang out," what exactly do you do? Probably the same things you do.
You may find this shocking, but it turns out that people with Down syndrome actually like doing exactly the same things that other people do.
We just want to make sure that no one is taking advantage of her.
What do you mean by "taking advantage of?" You know, like, doing certain things with her that might not be appropriate.
Okay, why don't you guys quit beating around the bush? Just ask me the question you're obviously dying to ask.
I'll ask.
You having sex with Becky? No, we're not.
Not yet.
Our relationship hasn't gotten to that point.
But at some point, it might, and if we did have sex, I-I don't see what's wrong with that.
Are you kidding?! Everything is wrong with that! It's gross, it's weird Is it gross when you have sex? Don't make us out to be bigots.
Becky is our friend.
We're trying to protect her.
No, you're not.
You're trying to protect yourselves from something that you find uncomfortable because it doesn't fit your preconceived notions about what a relationship is.
You know, when Becky and I first started dating, I actually called the National Association for Down syndrome.
- NADS? - And I asked them that exact same question.
You know what they told me? They told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Guys, come on.
You sit there and you try and tell me that Becky doesn't have the right to live a normal life just because she has Down syndrome? Well, I-I think that's flat-out wrong.
You should be the ones who have to explain yourselves, not me.
Wow.
That didn't go at all the way I pictured it.
Tonight you're mine Completely You give your love So sweetly Tonight The light of love is in your eyes But will you love me tomorrow? Hey, yeah Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh I had no choice but to hear you You stated your case Time and again I thought about it You've already won me over in spite of me And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet And don't be surprised if I love you For all that you are Yeah Will you still love me Tomorrow? Yeah Tonight With words With words Unspoken Oh, oh-oh-oh When the night When the night Meets he morn Meets the morn ing sun You've already won me over In spite of me And don't be alarmed if I fall Head over feet And don't be surprised if I love you For all that you are All that you are Will you still love me Tomorrow? You've already won me over Will you still love me Tomorrow? Yeah, yeah.
Yay! Great job, you guys! I loved the enthusiasm and the emotion.
Great kick-off performance.
Yay! I think the singing could have been a whole step higher.
Mason, you're cheerleader, could have used choreography.
You know, give it variety, complexity.
Kurt, it was their first time.
Have you forgotten what the competition looks like? You're forgetting how hard Mr.
Shue had to push us to be champions.
Come with me.
I am here, and you are just sabotaging that.
My problem is, you're just telling these kids what they want to hear.
We are in this to win it, and we are a long way from it.
Brutal honesty's our only hope.
You know, these clashes that you're creating They are not proactive, and they're hurting the team, and right now, I think that you should just go home, and I'm gonna take it from here today.
Shannon, you and I need to have a frank discussion about something that you might find uncomfortable.
However, I don't want you to grab me by the throat and crotch and hurl me into that wall behind me which I believe is well within your abilities.
Sue, what do you want to talk about? Well, I've been approached by more than one individual at this school concerned about your well-being upon observation of a sharp change in your behavior.
And after two to three milliseconds of deep soul-searching, I decided to exercise my authority as principal and rifle through all of your desk drawers.
There I found several prescription medications, among them GNRH, that Wikipedia tells me is a type of steroid used for certain medical treatments.
So, Shannon, I'm going to ask you something, and I need for you to answer me honestly.
Coach Beiste, do you have cancer? Yes.
I'm so sorry.
I-I know this is a huge inconvenience.
Shannon, just stop stammering.
You know, you and I haven't always seen eye to eye.
And I'm not using that metaphor just because you look exactly how I picture Greek mythology's legendary Cyclops.
I promise you, I'm going to do everything I can to help you.
Sue, you don't have to.
Everything.
Okay, don't worry.
We'll give you a cue, okay, Becky? And then just burst in like Mercedes.
Okay, okay, I've got it.
- I'm going to nail it.
- You are.
So far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know You're just time away Long ago I reached for you And there you stood Holding you again could only Do me good How I wish I could But you're so far away One more song about moving along the highway I can't say much of anything that's new If I could only work this life out my way Well, you really can't blame her for not joining in.
These two were very pitchy.
So, uh, let them work it out.
Hey, Becky.
What happened back there? I couldn't do it.
I told you I should have taken the Mercedes moment.
Pretty sure that's not what she was talking about.
As soon as I started singing, Darrell was going to know that I was lying about being in Glee Club.
What do you think he thinks now? I think her plan is brilliant.
I always find that literally running away from my problems is usually my safest play.
Look, we've all lied at the beginning of a relationship.
I told Finn that he was the father of my baby.
I told Arnie I had a stutter.
I told everyone I was straight.
I once told a guy I had three vaginas, and he was pretty bummed when he found out I only had two.
The point being is that most people, to get through that first getting-to-know-you phase, do everything they can to make sure the other person doesn't get to know them.
At least not the real them.
Praise.
Real relationship can't start till you stop being who you think the other person wants you to be - and just be yourself, come what may.
- Mm-hmm.
You guys know it's different for me.
How often am I gonna get a chance to get a guy like Darrell? I think he really likes you.
It's true.
I see how he looks at you when you're not looking.
I wish a guy would - look at me like that.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
I blocked your voice a few months ago because everything you say is depressing and about you.
Okay, look, Becky, how long are you gonna do this for? You gonna lie to him your whole life? That's what Sue said to do.
Sue also told us to be honest with you and treat you like we would treat anyone else, so let's just say it.
You can't sing, you can't dance, and you weren't in any of those clubs, because you're kind of lazy and pretty toxic to be around.
You call people stupid bitches, and get mad at xylophones.
You're not really a catch, but you found this guy who digs you, and you dig him, too, and finding someone to put up with you is rare, so I mean all of this in the nicest way.
You have to take a chance that he likes you for real reasons, and tell him the truth.
And then your relationship can really start.
Thanks, guys.
You're mostly super bitches, but you're pretty cool, too.
Aw.
No need to lecture me.
I know I screwed up.
I broke the cardinal rule of teaching Leave your baggage at home.
Or at least check your baggage so the whole plane doesn't have to smell your stinky socks.
Don't worry.
We've all been there.
Heartbreak poisons the brain.
So I am grasping for control where it is not appropriate.
I'm sorry.
I was way out of line.
You weren't.
You were right.
Jane and Mason came to talk to me this morning.
We've been watching.
YouTubes of the New Directions! at regionals and nationals.
We want to be as good as you guys were.
If we're going to do this, we want to be champions.
And that's not going to happen if you go easy on us.
Kurt was right.
We didn't work hard enough on our number, and we're going to need someone like Kurt being brutally honest with us if we want to be the best.
I need you, Kurt, as my co-director.
I need you here to keep me honest.
I-I think, because we're so close, we forget sometimes that we have different views of life, but they both work.
Did they really say that about me? That I helped them? It feels good, doesn't it? Holy crap, we're teachers.
Well, I think, between the two of us, we make a pretty good one.
So, what do you say? We do this together, changing the world? Deal? - Deal.
- Deal.
Uh, what's going on? You guys said it was urgent? Uh, yes.
Coach Beiste asked me to summon you.
Have a seat.
Shannon, proceed.
Um, you may have noticed that I've been acting sort of weird lately.
- Yeah.
- Um, taking a lot of personal days and stuff.
Well, the truth is, is I've been seeing some doctors.
Okay, this is taking too long.
What Coach Beiste is trying to say is that she has cancer.
- You have cancer?! - No, I don't.
- What? - Wait.
So, you don't you don't have cancer? No, I told Sue that, but it was a lie.
- What?! - Wait.
What's going what's going on? This is an outrage.
You don't lie about having cancer unless you're trying to get out of jury duty, or explain away a particularly bad haircut.
This will explain everything.
It's a letter from my psychologist, Dr.
Shane.
"It is my assessment "that patient Shannon Beiste meets all the necessary criteria "for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, DSM-5, code 302.
85.
" Holy mother of God.
Wait, I don't I don't Yeah, what is that, that gender dys-what, uh? Well, pumpkin, it's where your outsides don't match how you feel you are on the inside.
This letter is my first step into legally transitioning from a woman to a man.
When you think about it, it's not that big of a stretch.
Okay, I don't I don't get it.
Okay, so, you're like a you're like a lesbian? Kiddo, this isn't about who I want to go to bed with.
It's about who I want to go to bed as.
I've always been attracted to men, and-and they say that's not gonna change.
You're gonna be, like? You want to be a gay man? Wow, really thought I heard of every conceivable version of a gay man coming out.
I'm confused.
I feel like I this is coming out of nowhere.
Kiddo, I know this may seem sudden to you, but it doesn't to me.
So, how long have you felt this way? I've felt like this my whole life.
Growing up, I was I was really confused.
I thought I was just a tomboy.
So, I got into sports, I started coaching football, and I wrestled hogs in my free time, but no matter what I did, I never felt at home in my own skin.
I never felt like my body fit who I was on the inside.
I don't hate being a woman, and I don't regret the things I've been through, because they've made me the person I am today.
A person strong enough to go through with this transition.
I got to do it for my own peace of mind.
I got to get my body in alignment with how I see myself.
I'm gonna need you to take over as coach when I start the procedures next week.
I'm gonna have surgery to have my breasts removed, and then I'm gonna start taking testosterone.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Please spare us the details of the literal sausage-making.
I just want to let you know, should you choose to return to this school your job will be waiting.
We got your back.
Thank you.
Okay.
I love you guys so much.
Here you go strawberry milk shake, two straws.
Thanks.
The milk shakes at Fuddruckers are so much better.
Well, we're not allowed to go back to Fuddruckers, remember? The waitress was rude.
They're supposed to be rude.
That's, like, their thing.
You can't just hit people, Becky.
Listen, Darrell, it's really great having you here, but I haven't been completely honest with you, and it's eating me up inside.
What is it? First of all, I have Down syndrome.
Yes, I know.
Good.
I also have to tell you that I really wasn't the president of those clubs in high school.
And I can't sing.
You know, I sort of suspected you were exaggerating a little bit when you said you were the fifth member of 98 Degrees.
I mean, that's just something I looked up on my phone.
I shouldn't lie to you.
I wanted to impress you.
Becky, you don't have to impress me.
I already like you, and I'll like you just the same whether you're Angela Merkel's most trusted advisor or not.
People think it's weird that I like you for whatever reason.
There's gonna be a lot of outside pressure on us.
We have to know that, no matter what, we've got each other's backs.
It's just going to take me some time to get used to a guy having my back.
Well, get used to it, Becky.
'Cause I've got it.
It sounds like a plan.
Gross! This milk shake sucks! Before we wrap things up, Kurt and I just wanted to say together that we're very proud of you guys.
Although we've just begun to jell as a team, we learned this week that two very different styles of teaching, although may clash sometimes They yield very important lessons learned.
That sort of sounded like you were congratulating yourselves.
You get used to it.
Guys, the point being is that we took our inner Caroles and our inner Alanises Uh, Alani.
We took the jagged and the smooth, the angry and the sad, and the joyful, and created something new.
Mash-ups aren't always pretty.
But they're worth the risk.
Now we know you guys are ready.
Ready for what? The road to sectionals.
Do-do, do-do-do Do, do Mm I recommend Do-do Getting your heart trampled on to anyone Do-do-do Do, do-do Yeah Mm, I Do-do Recommend walking around naked in your living room Do-do-do, do Yeah Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest night Oh, yeah, yeah You live, you learn You love, you learn You cry, you learn You lose, you learn Winter, spring, summer or fall You breathe, you learn You scream, you learn And I'll be there All you have to do is call You've got a friend Ain't it good to know That you've got a friend You love, you learn When people can be so cold? You cry, you learn They'll hurt you, yes, and desert you And take your soul if you let them If you let them Oh, but don't you let them Oh, yeah, yeah You just call out my name You live, you learn You love, you learn You laugh, you learn You choose, you learn Oh, yes, I will You've got a friend You learn Oh, yes, I will You've got a friend It's good to know Ain't it good to know You've got a friend You've got a friend It's good to know You've got a friend.
Ooh.