GLOW (2017) s02e05 Episode Script
Perverts Are People, Too
1 - [CHATTERING.]
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[WOMAN.]
It's the wolf girl! Hello.
[WOMAN.]
We want Liberty Belle! - [MAN.]
What's your name again? - [WOMAN.]
Is Welfare Queen coming on? [WOMAN 2.]
Is Liberty Belle coming? Goodbye.
Sheila! Sheila! Wait You're my favorite.
I can see that.
Is Sheila your real name? Are those your real teeth? Do you have a boyfriend? I drove all the way here from Bakersfield! At least give me a hug! Just let me smell your neck! [MEN AND WOMEN CLAMORING.]
Salut vutiye! My public! [MAN.]
When are you gonna fight Liberty Belle again? [MAN SHOUTS.]
[SIGHS.]
They didn't offer us any water.
It's a bad sign.
Never give bad news in a meeting, bad news is a phone call.
No fucking water, no fucking respect.
I believe there is a water fountain by the men's room, if you're thirsty.
Sam! My favorite auteur.
- Bash, Mr.
Super Producer.
- Yeah! And of course, our own beautiful Liberty Belle.
- Aww.
- I'm feeling more patriotic already.
Lots of exciting stuff.
Thanks for coming in on such short notice.
We're all big fans.
Patio Town is withdrawing their sponsorship from the show.
What? Wait.
They're Why? Uh, they had an issue with the lawn chair bit in your match.
The Whoa! That was completely unplanned.
We had no idea that it was gonna break like that.
And they had a little issue with the PSA.
Seems Patrick O'Towne's mother was 15 when he was born, so while he's not an advocate for teen pregnancy It was a different time! All right, so the birdbath king is out.
We'll get another sponsor.
It might be a little tricky with the ratings being so soft.
What? What are you talking about, the ratings are soft? You just said they loved us.
Why are we only hearing this now? Frankly, we were hoping for a boost from your big match with Welfare Queen, after the big marketing push we did.
Yeah.
I saw the billboard behind the DMV in Encino.
Look, Glen.
We have fans! Okay? I mean the girls get letters.
There's weirdos waiting outside for them outside the stage door.
I'm telling you.
The audience is out there.
So - Okay.
- Okay.
- Here is the big news.
- What? Tom Grant, head of the network, has taken a real interest in the show.
You know, thinks it has real potential.
Especially with the fun kidnapping story line you just kicked off.
Oh, is that so, Glen? Yeah, and he wants to meet with all of you in a couple days, hear what you have in mind going forward, see what makes sense for us Great! That sounds great! So he wants us to sell him the season we're already making.
[LAUGHS.]
You're gonna love Tom.
Used to work for Brandon Tartikoff.
He's one of us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not Jewish.
No, I meant an artist.
Sure, yeah.
Look, here is your chance to impress the hell out of him! Turn him into your number one fan! This kind of opportunity does not present itself every day, folks.
Right? Right? Hey, Glen.
Could I trouble you for a drink of water? There's a water fountain right next to the men's bathroom.
Uh-huh.
You're popular.
- And you're like second popular.
- [CHEERING.]
This one's from San Diego.
"Dear Britannica, you may be the smartest woman in the world, but you are also the most beautiful.
I wish I had gone to medical school so I could tell you to say 'Ah' with this.
" Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Interesting location for a "Mom" tattoo! - [SHOUTING.]
- They must be very close.
- Is there a ring on there? - Oh, my God.
Yes.
"Have you ever read anything by Immanuel Kant? He is my favorite.
" An intellectual sexual predator! You're so lucky! All my letters are from little girls who like my hair glitter! I don't care.
Sorry, Cherry.
I didn't mean to disturb you.
Thought you were dead.
This is the most fan mail I ever gotten.
All I had to do was completely degrade myself in public.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wait.
We gotta capitalize on this.
We gotta make some extra cash while the getting's good.
Like sell merch? No, we're the merch.
We're gonna set up tables after the show.
We can do, like, a meet and greet.
Ten bucks for an autograph, 20 for a photo.
I don't know.
Some of these guys seem like major pervs.
[RUTH.]
I love this idea! And not just because of the money.
I mean, these are our fans.
We owe them our gratitude and respect.
- That's right.
Perverts are people, too.
- Okay, so everyone's in.
Oh, Bash! Can we set up an autograph table after the show? Can you? Hmm Uh, of course! Yes! Fan outreach, that's the spirit.
- Carmen, can I borrow the key from you? - There on the table.
- Ooh! - [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
What was that? What? Are you sleeping with Bash? [LAUGHS.]
He's just sleeping in my room.
Our room, actually.
But he sleeps in my sleeping bag.
It has Garfield on it.
And it takes up the whole floor.
Jesus! Don't you knock? Rhonda's starting to get upset.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just things are hard right now.
Got the network breathing down our necks.
We got big presentation in couple of days.
We gotta pitch them on rest of the season.
No, don't worry, it's gonna be fine.
I just I just don't want to be at home right now.
It's too lonely.
Why? Where's Florian? I wrote him a check that bounced.
Bash! Come on.
Not again! Ugh! I'm good for it as soon as Birdie releases my bi-monthly allowance in five weeks.
Doesn't bi-monthly mean every two weeks? That's what I thought, too.
Anyway, we got into this big fight, and he got really mad and stormed out.
Said I was being completely solipsistic.
Wow.
I looked it up.
It means that you think you're the center of the universe and that you don't care about other people.
Which is completely insane, because I hate being alone.
You need to talk to him.
How? I don't know where he is.
I keep calling the house but nobody answers.
Does he have any other friends or someone he might be staying with, someplace he might be? Yeah, I mean he has this one friend who tends bar at this place in Hollywood.
I think Florian goes there sometimes on his night off.
Let's go and see if we can find him.
All right.
So I'm some yuppie head of a shitty network in Anaheim.
I think the sun rises and sets in my own asshole.
What are you gonna pitch me to make me feel like less of a douchebag? Debbie.
Let's get Ruth in here, though.
She came up with the idea.
No, this is a classic soap plot.
I got this.
Okay.
In a kidnapping story, the next step is for the grieving mother to make a public plea for her child's safe return.
Then we cut to a remote cabin in the Montana wilderness where we see a hermit realize this is his long-lost wife and child who he'd forgotten because he was in a fire, suffered amnesia.
My son, who I gave birth to after my going away, falls in love with my long-lost daughter.
I have to stop their wedding.
Uh-oh! She's already pregnant with her incest baby.
- It's raining - Okay, Jesus Christ! I mean, it's a wrestling show for kids, not Guiding goddamn Light.
- You're so dismissive.
- Really? That's the longest I've ever let a woman who I'm not sleeping with speak uninterrupted.
You're welcome.
It's an honor.
It's not the show.
[BASH.]
Okay, okay, okay.
We could do a "loser leaves town" match.
Huh? Or a handicap match.
Three against one, that's always a classic.
Or a wedding! People love an in-the-ring wedding! What? They're all girls.
Who are they gonna marry? Each other? It's a good point.
What do you think? My official autograph.
Thought about using the Cyrillic alphabet, but maybe that's pretentious.
I have to do something to stand out.
They seem to have forgotten all about me.
You know they're having some big network meeting about storylines for the rest of the season? They didn't even talk to me about how to play through the baby thing! Do you wanna talk about why this is making you so hostile? I'm not hostile.
I just don't wanna sell my picture to a bunch of strangers.
You're on a TV show, Sheila.
There's an audience.
This is part of the job.
Wow.
That's all yours? They all have a million questions.
"Where are you from? Do you have brothers and sisters? Is that your real name? What did you do before GLOW?" They wanna know more about you.
There's a man that dresses up like me.
It's demeaning.
He likes you.
They all like you! You have fans! What did you think would happen? I don't like people staring.
Honestly, Sheila, after five years walking around Los Angeles in a fur corset, you'd think you'd be used to that.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Hello.
This is Ruth Wilder.
Oh, wow! Really? I think that should be fine.
Let me just get a pen.
Two pages.
Isn't this beautiful? Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
Me too.
Okay.
Thank you.
"The first thing my mom does when she gets home " That was Tom Grant's secretary on the line.
The head of the network.
She said he's a big fan of Zoya, and he wants to meet tomorrow night for dinner to talk about my future on show.
Really happy for you.
Shenanigans.
Must be an Irish place like Bennigan's.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [RHONDA.]
I love this song.
Let's dance! Are you Eric? I can't hear you, darlin'.
Uh, I'm looking for Eric.
Hey, Eeyore.
You're being paged by Malibu Ken.
What can I do for you? Uh, I'm looking for a friend of mine.
Florian.
I think you know him.
You must be Bash.
He talks about you a lot.
Well, he's my butler, so um Is he here? He hasn't been here in a couple of weeks.
Last time he left his bar tab open.
You gonna take care of it? I'm just kidding.
What can I get you to drink? On me.
No, uh, no, thank you.
I mean, I can pay for my own drinks.
And I'm actually not thirsty now.
Or ever.
Florian's not here.
- He's not? - No, we're going.
Can we please stay? Rhonda's friend Bruce said there's gonna be a Pink Flamingos lookalike contest, and I want to see everyone dressed up as flamingos.
I'm leaving, all right? So, here, take this.
It's for a cab home.
I'll see you later.
Wait.
[SIGHS.]
We'll find Florian.
It's gonna be okay.
Ruth Wilder.
Here for Tom Grant.
Bungalow two.
Well, I think it's a dinner reservation.
[LAUGHS.]
Mr.
Grant always takes dinner meetings in his room.
Just over the bridge, past the water feature.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
Glen! Oh, my God! - Glen! - Wow! What a welcome! Come in! Uh, Ruth Wilder.
Tom Grant, our fearless leader.
- So nice to meet you, Mr.
Grant.
- No, please, call me Tom.
- Who am I? Ed Asner? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that's him.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
It's classic.
I'm so sorry for the confusion, but I just got in from New York.
I'm too beat to face the restaurant.
Hope you don't mind.
- Course not! I totally understand.
- White Zinfandel? Yes! - [TOM.]
All right, yeah? Okay.
- Mmm! - [GLEN.]
Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
Are we doing this? Oh, wow.
Both legs out the sweatpants! What is it, my birthday? After this long, you should be grateful I'm still looking at you.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
You don't feel very grateful.
If I got all excited when my woman was not in the mood, what kind of man would I be? All right, what's the matter? Come on, unload on me.
That's what I'm here for.
Just figuring out what I'm doing with my life.
Living in a motel waiting to see what Sam's gonna do with me while Laverne and Shirley crack shit about my hair.
All right, okay.
I'm calling in reinforcements.
Hello? Hey, what's up, man? It's Keith.
Look, uh, I'm feeling a little lonely tonight.
I wonder if you could send over some Black Magic.
A little voodoo loving.
All right, thanks.
She might be willing to come out of retirement.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! - One night only.
- I'll take what I can get.
That's her.
There she is.
Black Magic.
[HUMMING.]
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
Shaking it up now.
You called? When the Omaha World Herald calls you personable in their review of Talley's Folly, you know Hollywood must be waiting with open arms.
So I came out, and I waited tables - for a decade.
- [LAUGHING.]
I'm glad you think it's funny.
I just find it hard to believe someone so obviously talented as you could go so long without work.
Who's your agent? I don't have one.
Which you already know.
What agent in their right mind would let me anywhere near that contract we signed? Okay, touche.
This one.
I told you she's a pistol.
Pistol.
[IMITATES GUN FIRING.]
[TOM CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving.
Should we order dinner? Yes! Dinner! Great! Great.
I will run to the restaurant grab a couple of menus.
I like to know what the specials are.
And I will be right back.
So you come out to Hollywood to be the next Ellen Burstyn.
You're doing, uh, Chekhov in scene class one day, the next day you're on a women's wrestling show on a local network.
Well, it's the best job I've ever had.
And we've got some really exciting stuff coming up.
Sam, Bash and Debbie have been working so hard.
I know.
 And, officially, I want to hear all about that.
But I just I can't imagine that this is quite what you had in mind for yourself.
Nothing in my life is what I had in mind for myself.
I've been acting pretty much my whole life, and it's always just another audition, another meeting Another year of waiting for someone to give you permission to do the thing you wanna do.
But finally I'm getting to do something.
And it feels different, you know? I feel different.
Strong.
In control.
I could use some of that.
[LAUGHS.]
Why don't you show me a move or two? Oh, I You know, it just doesn't really work if both people aren't properly trained.
No, no, I I work out every morning.
So Feel, right? Oh.
Yeah! - No flab.
- Impressive.
[LAUGHS.]
How about a little headlock? All right.
So See, uh you have to Stupid American.
Come on.
Don't spare me.
I promise I'm not gonna sue you.
- So - [GRUNTING.]
[TOM MOANING.]
And then I go like this, right? [GRUNTS.]
Right? Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
You moved too fast for me.
You must be tired.
I should go.
No, no, no.
What kind of guy would I be if I let you go back to that roach motel without a hot meal and a good bath? I'm gonna go check on these Jacuzzi jets in the tub.
See if they work as advertised.
What about Glen? Oh, don't worry about Glen.
He's not coming back.
[LAUGHS.]
[YAWNS.]
I thought you were the dim sum.
Oh, Gary, it is so comforting to see a butler.
Is Birdie awake? She's just left for Squaw Valley with her very rich, very old boyfriend Gil.
She's dating? Would you like to come in? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mmm.
These are ours? They're spicy.
They've added cayenne pepper to the seasoning mix for the Latin market.
How long have you worked for our family? Eighteen years this December.
Are you all right? Yes.
Yeah, I'm just having problems with my butler.
It's just a small cash flow issue.
I get short sometimes at the end of the month.
Birdie designed my allowance that way.
You know this.
Anyway, I bounced Florian's last check, and it wasn't the first time, and he got mad and took off.
Anyway, I, uh I just need to make good with him and maybe give him a few months' advance so that he'll come home.
So Florian stopped by a few days ago.
Said he was taking some time off.
He asked Birdie for money for his travel expenses.
Travel expenses to where? I have no idea.
I sent him to your mother's study, and he left with a check.
Wow.
Do you want me to help you with your bookkeeping? I would be happy to.
Do you think Birdie would sponsor my wrestling show? I will talk with her.
- [SIGHS.]
- I don't know where that dim sum is.
[LAUGHS.]
- - [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll go through the boards.
You fill in with stuff from the story pages.
And remember.
These network guys, no detail too small, no question is too stupid.
Okay? Really? You're doing that now? You didn't have time before right now? No, Sam Fuck.
I could not.
I was up half the night working on this thing, the other half just trying to get Mark's fucking printer to work.
All right.
Maybe you should smoke.
It works for me.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Look, look, look! - It's gonna be great, okay? We're ready.
- Okay.
- [BASH.]
Whoo! - Where the fuck have you been? Good news! Uh, no, no Blind item.
Okay? Tell me.
What glamorous and nationally-renowned processed food heiress might be thinking about, may be considering coming on board as an exclusive GLOW sponsor? [DRUMROLL.]
Birdie! My mother! Yeah.
I stayed over there last night.
She wasn't there, but Gary our butler, he thinks that she's very much not uninterested.
[MUTTERS.]
Should we go in one car? Yes.
We should take mine.
Because it's the most impressive.
No offense.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Office of Sam Sylvia.
Executive producer Bash Howard speaking.
Yeah, we we're just on our way out the door.
Uh-huh.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
What are you doing here? I like to have time alone in the space before everyone gets here.
Oh, God.
Of course you do.
Aren't you supposed to be at the big network meeting? Oh, we had a big network phone call instead.
They are, um moving the show to a new time slot.
At two a.
m.
But we're a kids' show.
Kids don't watch TV at two a.
m.
Nobody watches TV at two a.
m.
, Ruth.
That's the point.
They're burying us.
And we're gonna be canceled.
I think this might have something to do with me.
Jesus Christ, our show did not get shit-canned 'cause Sam and I wouldn't listen to your idea about you wrestling over the fate of your family's cherry orchard.
It's because, apparently the only people watching us are, um standing out in the parking lot right now, leaking pre-cum into their Sheila costumes.
I had a meeting with Tom Grant.
We were in his hotel room.
It was a dinner.
But then it was not dinner.
And Glen was there.
But then he was not there and he said he wanted to talk about my career, which he did.
But he also wanted to wrestle.
Literally and figuratively.
What did you do? What do you mean? I left.
You left? He went into the bathroom, and I made a run for it.
I can't believe this.
I know.
It was terrible.
How could you be so fucking stupid? What are you talking about? You're in the hotel room of the head of the network.
He comes on to you, and you run away? Was I supposed to fuck him? No! You're supposed to make him think that you might fuck him.
Or that you desperately want to fuck him, if only you didn't have a fiancé or your period or an extra set of teeth where your vagina should be.
- I'm not that kind of person.
- What, an actress? I mean, that is how this business works, Ruth.
Men try shit, you have to pretend to like it until you don't have to any more! It shouldn't be that way! No, it shouldn't, and women should get to direct and not be washed up by the time they're 30.
And I should have got to eat a piece of my own wedding cake without worrying about how many minutes of Jane fucking Fonda it was gonna take to work it off, but that is the way it is.
You don't make it better by flouncing out like some fucking Victorian schoolmarm every time a sleazeball puts his hand on your knee.
You're taking 20 other people down with you! So just let them do whatever they want? Not exactly a guiding feminist principle.
Feminism has principles, life has compromises.
Congratulations, Gloria Steinem.
The one time you keep your legs shut, we all get fucked! - Ooh, that one felt great! - Detention.
- Oh, thanks.
- Enjoy it! [CHATTERING.]
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah! Did you see that? Machu Picchu put me in a headlock! [CHATTERING.]
[SHEILA.]
Nice to see you again.
[MAN.]
You're the best.
I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like I got what boys like I know what boys like I know what guys want I see them looking I make them want me I like to tease them They want to touch me I never let them I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like, boys like Boys like me I'm sure you're special I might let you You're so much different I might let you Ooh, would you like that? I might let you I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like, boys like Boys like me Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[WOMAN.]
It's the wolf girl! Hello.
[WOMAN.]
We want Liberty Belle! - [MAN.]
What's your name again? - [WOMAN.]
Is Welfare Queen coming on? [WOMAN 2.]
Is Liberty Belle coming? Goodbye.
Sheila! Sheila! Wait You're my favorite.
I can see that.
Is Sheila your real name? Are those your real teeth? Do you have a boyfriend? I drove all the way here from Bakersfield! At least give me a hug! Just let me smell your neck! [MEN AND WOMEN CLAMORING.]
Salut vutiye! My public! [MAN.]
When are you gonna fight Liberty Belle again? [MAN SHOUTS.]
[SIGHS.]
They didn't offer us any water.
It's a bad sign.
Never give bad news in a meeting, bad news is a phone call.
No fucking water, no fucking respect.
I believe there is a water fountain by the men's room, if you're thirsty.
Sam! My favorite auteur.
- Bash, Mr.
Super Producer.
- Yeah! And of course, our own beautiful Liberty Belle.
- Aww.
- I'm feeling more patriotic already.
Lots of exciting stuff.
Thanks for coming in on such short notice.
We're all big fans.
Patio Town is withdrawing their sponsorship from the show.
What? Wait.
They're Why? Uh, they had an issue with the lawn chair bit in your match.
The Whoa! That was completely unplanned.
We had no idea that it was gonna break like that.
And they had a little issue with the PSA.
Seems Patrick O'Towne's mother was 15 when he was born, so while he's not an advocate for teen pregnancy It was a different time! All right, so the birdbath king is out.
We'll get another sponsor.
It might be a little tricky with the ratings being so soft.
What? What are you talking about, the ratings are soft? You just said they loved us.
Why are we only hearing this now? Frankly, we were hoping for a boost from your big match with Welfare Queen, after the big marketing push we did.
Yeah.
I saw the billboard behind the DMV in Encino.
Look, Glen.
We have fans! Okay? I mean the girls get letters.
There's weirdos waiting outside for them outside the stage door.
I'm telling you.
The audience is out there.
So - Okay.
- Okay.
- Here is the big news.
- What? Tom Grant, head of the network, has taken a real interest in the show.
You know, thinks it has real potential.
Especially with the fun kidnapping story line you just kicked off.
Oh, is that so, Glen? Yeah, and he wants to meet with all of you in a couple days, hear what you have in mind going forward, see what makes sense for us Great! That sounds great! So he wants us to sell him the season we're already making.
[LAUGHS.]
You're gonna love Tom.
Used to work for Brandon Tartikoff.
He's one of us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not Jewish.
No, I meant an artist.
Sure, yeah.
Look, here is your chance to impress the hell out of him! Turn him into your number one fan! This kind of opportunity does not present itself every day, folks.
Right? Right? Hey, Glen.
Could I trouble you for a drink of water? There's a water fountain right next to the men's bathroom.
Uh-huh.
You're popular.
- And you're like second popular.
- [CHEERING.]
This one's from San Diego.
"Dear Britannica, you may be the smartest woman in the world, but you are also the most beautiful.
I wish I had gone to medical school so I could tell you to say 'Ah' with this.
" Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Interesting location for a "Mom" tattoo! - [SHOUTING.]
- They must be very close.
- Is there a ring on there? - Oh, my God.
Yes.
"Have you ever read anything by Immanuel Kant? He is my favorite.
" An intellectual sexual predator! You're so lucky! All my letters are from little girls who like my hair glitter! I don't care.
Sorry, Cherry.
I didn't mean to disturb you.
Thought you were dead.
This is the most fan mail I ever gotten.
All I had to do was completely degrade myself in public.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wait.
We gotta capitalize on this.
We gotta make some extra cash while the getting's good.
Like sell merch? No, we're the merch.
We're gonna set up tables after the show.
We can do, like, a meet and greet.
Ten bucks for an autograph, 20 for a photo.
I don't know.
Some of these guys seem like major pervs.
[RUTH.]
I love this idea! And not just because of the money.
I mean, these are our fans.
We owe them our gratitude and respect.
- That's right.
Perverts are people, too.
- Okay, so everyone's in.
Oh, Bash! Can we set up an autograph table after the show? Can you? Hmm Uh, of course! Yes! Fan outreach, that's the spirit.
- Carmen, can I borrow the key from you? - There on the table.
- Ooh! - [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
What was that? What? Are you sleeping with Bash? [LAUGHS.]
He's just sleeping in my room.
Our room, actually.
But he sleeps in my sleeping bag.
It has Garfield on it.
And it takes up the whole floor.
Jesus! Don't you knock? Rhonda's starting to get upset.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just things are hard right now.
Got the network breathing down our necks.
We got big presentation in couple of days.
We gotta pitch them on rest of the season.
No, don't worry, it's gonna be fine.
I just I just don't want to be at home right now.
It's too lonely.
Why? Where's Florian? I wrote him a check that bounced.
Bash! Come on.
Not again! Ugh! I'm good for it as soon as Birdie releases my bi-monthly allowance in five weeks.
Doesn't bi-monthly mean every two weeks? That's what I thought, too.
Anyway, we got into this big fight, and he got really mad and stormed out.
Said I was being completely solipsistic.
Wow.
I looked it up.
It means that you think you're the center of the universe and that you don't care about other people.
Which is completely insane, because I hate being alone.
You need to talk to him.
How? I don't know where he is.
I keep calling the house but nobody answers.
Does he have any other friends or someone he might be staying with, someplace he might be? Yeah, I mean he has this one friend who tends bar at this place in Hollywood.
I think Florian goes there sometimes on his night off.
Let's go and see if we can find him.
All right.
So I'm some yuppie head of a shitty network in Anaheim.
I think the sun rises and sets in my own asshole.
What are you gonna pitch me to make me feel like less of a douchebag? Debbie.
Let's get Ruth in here, though.
She came up with the idea.
No, this is a classic soap plot.
I got this.
Okay.
In a kidnapping story, the next step is for the grieving mother to make a public plea for her child's safe return.
Then we cut to a remote cabin in the Montana wilderness where we see a hermit realize this is his long-lost wife and child who he'd forgotten because he was in a fire, suffered amnesia.
My son, who I gave birth to after my going away, falls in love with my long-lost daughter.
I have to stop their wedding.
Uh-oh! She's already pregnant with her incest baby.
- It's raining - Okay, Jesus Christ! I mean, it's a wrestling show for kids, not Guiding goddamn Light.
- You're so dismissive.
- Really? That's the longest I've ever let a woman who I'm not sleeping with speak uninterrupted.
You're welcome.
It's an honor.
It's not the show.
[BASH.]
Okay, okay, okay.
We could do a "loser leaves town" match.
Huh? Or a handicap match.
Three against one, that's always a classic.
Or a wedding! People love an in-the-ring wedding! What? They're all girls.
Who are they gonna marry? Each other? It's a good point.
What do you think? My official autograph.
Thought about using the Cyrillic alphabet, but maybe that's pretentious.
I have to do something to stand out.
They seem to have forgotten all about me.
You know they're having some big network meeting about storylines for the rest of the season? They didn't even talk to me about how to play through the baby thing! Do you wanna talk about why this is making you so hostile? I'm not hostile.
I just don't wanna sell my picture to a bunch of strangers.
You're on a TV show, Sheila.
There's an audience.
This is part of the job.
Wow.
That's all yours? They all have a million questions.
"Where are you from? Do you have brothers and sisters? Is that your real name? What did you do before GLOW?" They wanna know more about you.
There's a man that dresses up like me.
It's demeaning.
He likes you.
They all like you! You have fans! What did you think would happen? I don't like people staring.
Honestly, Sheila, after five years walking around Los Angeles in a fur corset, you'd think you'd be used to that.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Hello.
This is Ruth Wilder.
Oh, wow! Really? I think that should be fine.
Let me just get a pen.
Two pages.
Isn't this beautiful? Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
Me too.
Okay.
Thank you.
"The first thing my mom does when she gets home " That was Tom Grant's secretary on the line.
The head of the network.
She said he's a big fan of Zoya, and he wants to meet tomorrow night for dinner to talk about my future on show.
Really happy for you.
Shenanigans.
Must be an Irish place like Bennigan's.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [RHONDA.]
I love this song.
Let's dance! Are you Eric? I can't hear you, darlin'.
Uh, I'm looking for Eric.
Hey, Eeyore.
You're being paged by Malibu Ken.
What can I do for you? Uh, I'm looking for a friend of mine.
Florian.
I think you know him.
You must be Bash.
He talks about you a lot.
Well, he's my butler, so um Is he here? He hasn't been here in a couple of weeks.
Last time he left his bar tab open.
You gonna take care of it? I'm just kidding.
What can I get you to drink? On me.
No, uh, no, thank you.
I mean, I can pay for my own drinks.
And I'm actually not thirsty now.
Or ever.
Florian's not here.
- He's not? - No, we're going.
Can we please stay? Rhonda's friend Bruce said there's gonna be a Pink Flamingos lookalike contest, and I want to see everyone dressed up as flamingos.
I'm leaving, all right? So, here, take this.
It's for a cab home.
I'll see you later.
Wait.
[SIGHS.]
We'll find Florian.
It's gonna be okay.
Ruth Wilder.
Here for Tom Grant.
Bungalow two.
Well, I think it's a dinner reservation.
[LAUGHS.]
Mr.
Grant always takes dinner meetings in his room.
Just over the bridge, past the water feature.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
Glen! Oh, my God! - Glen! - Wow! What a welcome! Come in! Uh, Ruth Wilder.
Tom Grant, our fearless leader.
- So nice to meet you, Mr.
Grant.
- No, please, call me Tom.
- Who am I? Ed Asner? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that's him.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
It's classic.
I'm so sorry for the confusion, but I just got in from New York.
I'm too beat to face the restaurant.
Hope you don't mind.
- Course not! I totally understand.
- White Zinfandel? Yes! - [TOM.]
All right, yeah? Okay.
- Mmm! - [GLEN.]
Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
Are we doing this? Oh, wow.
Both legs out the sweatpants! What is it, my birthday? After this long, you should be grateful I'm still looking at you.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
You don't feel very grateful.
If I got all excited when my woman was not in the mood, what kind of man would I be? All right, what's the matter? Come on, unload on me.
That's what I'm here for.
Just figuring out what I'm doing with my life.
Living in a motel waiting to see what Sam's gonna do with me while Laverne and Shirley crack shit about my hair.
All right, okay.
I'm calling in reinforcements.
Hello? Hey, what's up, man? It's Keith.
Look, uh, I'm feeling a little lonely tonight.
I wonder if you could send over some Black Magic.
A little voodoo loving.
All right, thanks.
She might be willing to come out of retirement.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! - One night only.
- I'll take what I can get.
That's her.
There she is.
Black Magic.
[HUMMING.]
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
Shaking it up now.
You called? When the Omaha World Herald calls you personable in their review of Talley's Folly, you know Hollywood must be waiting with open arms.
So I came out, and I waited tables - for a decade.
- [LAUGHING.]
I'm glad you think it's funny.
I just find it hard to believe someone so obviously talented as you could go so long without work.
Who's your agent? I don't have one.
Which you already know.
What agent in their right mind would let me anywhere near that contract we signed? Okay, touche.
This one.
I told you she's a pistol.
Pistol.
[IMITATES GUN FIRING.]
[TOM CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving.
Should we order dinner? Yes! Dinner! Great! Great.
I will run to the restaurant grab a couple of menus.
I like to know what the specials are.
And I will be right back.
So you come out to Hollywood to be the next Ellen Burstyn.
You're doing, uh, Chekhov in scene class one day, the next day you're on a women's wrestling show on a local network.
Well, it's the best job I've ever had.
And we've got some really exciting stuff coming up.
Sam, Bash and Debbie have been working so hard.
I know.
 And, officially, I want to hear all about that.
But I just I can't imagine that this is quite what you had in mind for yourself.
Nothing in my life is what I had in mind for myself.
I've been acting pretty much my whole life, and it's always just another audition, another meeting Another year of waiting for someone to give you permission to do the thing you wanna do.
But finally I'm getting to do something.
And it feels different, you know? I feel different.
Strong.
In control.
I could use some of that.
[LAUGHS.]
Why don't you show me a move or two? Oh, I You know, it just doesn't really work if both people aren't properly trained.
No, no, I I work out every morning.
So Feel, right? Oh.
Yeah! - No flab.
- Impressive.
[LAUGHS.]
How about a little headlock? All right.
So See, uh you have to Stupid American.
Come on.
Don't spare me.
I promise I'm not gonna sue you.
- So - [GRUNTING.]
[TOM MOANING.]
And then I go like this, right? [GRUNTS.]
Right? Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
You moved too fast for me.
You must be tired.
I should go.
No, no, no.
What kind of guy would I be if I let you go back to that roach motel without a hot meal and a good bath? I'm gonna go check on these Jacuzzi jets in the tub.
See if they work as advertised.
What about Glen? Oh, don't worry about Glen.
He's not coming back.
[LAUGHS.]
[YAWNS.]
I thought you were the dim sum.
Oh, Gary, it is so comforting to see a butler.
Is Birdie awake? She's just left for Squaw Valley with her very rich, very old boyfriend Gil.
She's dating? Would you like to come in? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mmm.
These are ours? They're spicy.
They've added cayenne pepper to the seasoning mix for the Latin market.
How long have you worked for our family? Eighteen years this December.
Are you all right? Yes.
Yeah, I'm just having problems with my butler.
It's just a small cash flow issue.
I get short sometimes at the end of the month.
Birdie designed my allowance that way.
You know this.
Anyway, I bounced Florian's last check, and it wasn't the first time, and he got mad and took off.
Anyway, I, uh I just need to make good with him and maybe give him a few months' advance so that he'll come home.
So Florian stopped by a few days ago.
Said he was taking some time off.
He asked Birdie for money for his travel expenses.
Travel expenses to where? I have no idea.
I sent him to your mother's study, and he left with a check.
Wow.
Do you want me to help you with your bookkeeping? I would be happy to.
Do you think Birdie would sponsor my wrestling show? I will talk with her.
- [SIGHS.]
- I don't know where that dim sum is.
[LAUGHS.]
- - [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll go through the boards.
You fill in with stuff from the story pages.
And remember.
These network guys, no detail too small, no question is too stupid.
Okay? Really? You're doing that now? You didn't have time before right now? No, Sam Fuck.
I could not.
I was up half the night working on this thing, the other half just trying to get Mark's fucking printer to work.
All right.
Maybe you should smoke.
It works for me.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Look, look, look! - It's gonna be great, okay? We're ready.
- Okay.
- [BASH.]
Whoo! - Where the fuck have you been? Good news! Uh, no, no Blind item.
Okay? Tell me.
What glamorous and nationally-renowned processed food heiress might be thinking about, may be considering coming on board as an exclusive GLOW sponsor? [DRUMROLL.]
Birdie! My mother! Yeah.
I stayed over there last night.
She wasn't there, but Gary our butler, he thinks that she's very much not uninterested.
[MUTTERS.]
Should we go in one car? Yes.
We should take mine.
Because it's the most impressive.
No offense.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Office of Sam Sylvia.
Executive producer Bash Howard speaking.
Yeah, we we're just on our way out the door.
Uh-huh.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
What are you doing here? I like to have time alone in the space before everyone gets here.
Oh, God.
Of course you do.
Aren't you supposed to be at the big network meeting? Oh, we had a big network phone call instead.
They are, um moving the show to a new time slot.
At two a.
m.
But we're a kids' show.
Kids don't watch TV at two a.
m.
Nobody watches TV at two a.
m.
, Ruth.
That's the point.
They're burying us.
And we're gonna be canceled.
I think this might have something to do with me.
Jesus Christ, our show did not get shit-canned 'cause Sam and I wouldn't listen to your idea about you wrestling over the fate of your family's cherry orchard.
It's because, apparently the only people watching us are, um standing out in the parking lot right now, leaking pre-cum into their Sheila costumes.
I had a meeting with Tom Grant.
We were in his hotel room.
It was a dinner.
But then it was not dinner.
And Glen was there.
But then he was not there and he said he wanted to talk about my career, which he did.
But he also wanted to wrestle.
Literally and figuratively.
What did you do? What do you mean? I left.
You left? He went into the bathroom, and I made a run for it.
I can't believe this.
I know.
It was terrible.
How could you be so fucking stupid? What are you talking about? You're in the hotel room of the head of the network.
He comes on to you, and you run away? Was I supposed to fuck him? No! You're supposed to make him think that you might fuck him.
Or that you desperately want to fuck him, if only you didn't have a fiancé or your period or an extra set of teeth where your vagina should be.
- I'm not that kind of person.
- What, an actress? I mean, that is how this business works, Ruth.
Men try shit, you have to pretend to like it until you don't have to any more! It shouldn't be that way! No, it shouldn't, and women should get to direct and not be washed up by the time they're 30.
And I should have got to eat a piece of my own wedding cake without worrying about how many minutes of Jane fucking Fonda it was gonna take to work it off, but that is the way it is.
You don't make it better by flouncing out like some fucking Victorian schoolmarm every time a sleazeball puts his hand on your knee.
You're taking 20 other people down with you! So just let them do whatever they want? Not exactly a guiding feminist principle.
Feminism has principles, life has compromises.
Congratulations, Gloria Steinem.
The one time you keep your legs shut, we all get fucked! - Ooh, that one felt great! - Detention.
- Oh, thanks.
- Enjoy it! [CHATTERING.]
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah! Did you see that? Machu Picchu put me in a headlock! [CHATTERING.]
[SHEILA.]
Nice to see you again.
[MAN.]
You're the best.
I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like I got what boys like I know what boys like I know what guys want I see them looking I make them want me I like to tease them They want to touch me I never let them I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like, boys like Boys like me I'm sure you're special I might let you You're so much different I might let you Ooh, would you like that? I might let you I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like, boys like Boys like me Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah