God's Favorite Idiot (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

Tom the Baptist

1
[ethereal music playing.]

[sirens bleep.]

- [monitors beeping.]

- [ventilator hissing softly.]

So, Judy's still asleep.

They think she's gonna be fine.

Oh! Well, that's great news.

Clark
[sighs.]
I'm so sorry, man.

- I'm sure your dad will be okay.

- Aw, thanks.

Have there been
any updates on your dad's condition?
Oh, not yet.

Buddy, get in here.

I'm flyin' in for a hug.

Um
- Ah, okay.

- [Tom.]
Yeah!
Now take it in.

We are gonna go and get a little bit
of a snack, or something to drink.

Can I get you anything?
- I'm okay.

- Okay.
Come on, let's go.
You too.

- Come on, Tom.

- Thank you.

[sighs.]

You know, I've been wondering
about something.

I can't figure it out.

Why wouldn't God help my dad?
They say God works in mysterious ways.

Maybe maybe this is one of those ways?
What I can't figure out
is why you wouldn't
When you were
putting a spell on the house,
why would you not
have also done the sauna,
and the whole backyard, for that matter?
I'm not gonna play the blame game here.

Instead, I'm gonna
point the blame finger at me.

Yeah, I'm putting both blame fingers
on you.
That's what I'm doing.

Chamuel asked me to secure the house.

But then he did it himself, 'cause I
I'm pretty sure he thought
I wouldn't do it to his specifications.

But in my defense,
he never filed the N919!
That's the only way that
I could have ever Harry Pottered
a Jacuzzi or a splash pool.

- Or, I'm sorry, the sauna.

- Oh my God.

Do you hear the gobbledygook
that comes out of your mouth?
I'm so sorry, Clark.
This is on me.
Okay?
I'm I'm so sorry about your dad.

And I want you to know this hospital
will be a Satan-free zone in no time.

You're you're telling us,
without any embarrassment,
that you haven't done
anything here to protect us?
- Although you could, you chose not to.

- [Clark.]
Are you
I'm saying I'm bending the rules
so that we can get it done.

Holy shit.

- [{Clark sighs.]

- I'm gonna break and bend your legs.

- I'm gonna break your legs.

- You should probably get movin' on that.

- Go do something now.

- Making it safe.

- I'm gonna.
Every nook and cranny.

- Not paperwork.

- No.

- Not paperwork.

I'm gonna go do it.
I'll Harry Potter
the whole place right now.

Without doing the paperwork first.

- I'm gonna break one leg, no matter what.

- Um Oh!
Ah Hi, there.
I'm Dr.
Stevens.

You're the family of Mr.
Thompson?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, he's my dad.

And I'm sleeping with him.

- Him.
Not him.
It's
- Oh Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Okay.
Well.

I'm very sorry to tell you this,
but because of the prolonged
heat exposure,
he sustained damage
to his brain and his kidneys.

We've induced a coma
so that we can keep him stable
until we can determine
the best course of treatment.

Oh, wow.

I knew it was bad, I didn't
I didn't know it was that bad.

Uh Okay.
Can I go, uh, see him?
Absolutely.
Of course.
That's fine.

- Okay.
Thank you.

- Thank you.

- I'll be right here if you need me.

- Okay.

[sighs.]

[sighs.]

[sighs.]

[whispers.]
Pop.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I got I got there too late.

[gasping.]
I couldn't stop Satan
from hurting you.

[sighs.]
I'm so sorry.

I wish I'd done better.

[sobs.]

I was too slow.

I was too slow [sobbing.]

I've always been slow.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

[distant siren wailing.]

[crowd clamoring.]

Well, here he is!
The big faker himself.

[man.]
False prophet!
You know, uh,
I'm on a new network now, Clark.

America's Own Holy Network.

Ayo ohn
And now there are
many more eyes on God's prize.

And we will not be fooled by your tricks.

How dare you say
that everybody's right about God?
- Everybody is right about God.

- No, Clark.

- [all yelling.]

- God told me that.
It's true, actually.

- Only we are right about God.

- [sighs.]

- Only the righteous are right.

- [man.]
That's right!
Only the righteous are right!
- Only the righteous are right! Yes please!
- Excuse me.

Don't you walk away
Only the righteous are right.

Only the righteous are right!
[crowd continues clamoring.]

Yikes.

[television news theme plays.]

[man.]
Clark Thompson, or the man
who glows, is back in the news,
this time with a breakout article
that has just come out in USA Today.

[woman.]
The journalist Judy Miller
recently published an article
claiming Clark Thompson
is a messenger of God.

[Clark.]
Hello?
She also claims
she witnessed divine phenomenon
Who's watching TV?
physically attacked by Satan,
who she says is a woman.

Uh, for the record,
- I'm not a fun person to murder.

- Hey!
- [yelps.]

- God!
- Oh! Holy bugbears.

- I'm sorry.
I di
- What did you just say?
- I said holy bugbears.

It's a very scary monster
from Dungeons & Dragons.

That's what you say when you think
you're gonna be viciously murdered?
May I have your weapon? Or bumbershoot?
Ah! Thank you.

- [sighs.]
How's your dad?
- Oh, he's, uh he's okay.

You know, serious but stable.

The doctor said he would text me
if there's any changes.

- Yeah.

- So I thought I'd come home
and just catch a quick shower, and
And then I was so delighted to see that
you're in the house I thought was locked.

Yeah, I just figure
I'm here all the time anyway.

And, you know, it's Harry Pottered
so we could actually be safe here.

So I just made a key.

That makes sense.

I also brought over, uh, all my stuff.

So I thought we'd just live together.

Awesome.
[chuckles.]

Hmm.

Also, for what it's worth,
I, um find it interesting
that I'm not going on the date
with the the truck driver.

Well, you know.
I also enjoy driving.

It's just one of my hobbies.

Probably why we're so close.

I made you something.
I cooked food.

- Oh.

- I just figured you'd be hungry.

And hospital food's terrible.

So I wanted to make you
a home-cooked meal.

Oh! What am I doing? My God.

- [clattering.]

- What am I doing? Here.

I'm not sure
which way you wanna go at it, so
Um it's it's cut up hot dogs
that I boiled
so long that the skins came off,
- which I thought was a nice touch.

- [snorts.]

It's on a bed of oatmeal because
I couldn't find a box of mashed potatoes.

So I thought this could
I think once you mix it all up
I think it'll be pretty pretty good.

It looks a little bit
like severed fingers.

In just such a fun way.

I thought so too.
I thought they looked
like little, fat, uh bloody toes.

I thought that was kind of, you know, fun.

And a protein and a carb.

- It's the circle of life on a plate.

- And a vegetable.
The ketchup.

I cannot wait to dig into this.

It's, uh, congealed a bit.

[laughs.]
That's
Mm
Oh wow.
That has got some zing.

It may be the soy sauce.

I did taste soy sauce in there, didn't I?
- I'm so glad you like it.

- Wow.

Um [clears throat.]

The only reason I'm not just,
like, mowing through this right now
is I feel like I just need to jump
in the shower
and wash the hospital off of me.

Oh, totally.

You were on the news all morning.

Did it work?
Is is Judy's article working?
No, sorry.

It just doesn't seem like they buy it.

I don't know why, but people are
only willing to believe what they believe.

[Clark.]
Dang it.

Well, what do I do? What do I do?
I mean okay.
[sighs.]

So, I'm not needed at the hospital.

I don't wanna be here, because there's all
those people outside.
That's scary.

- Should I shower up and we go to work?
- Oh, shit.
I keep forgetting I have a job.

Meh.

[Clark.]
No, it was not a trick.

Well, uh no, thank you.

I'm not gonna do that to myself,
and I'm not sure
that it's physically possible.

Uh Thank you for calling Arresta.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey.

How are you going
with getting the message out?
Ah Not so great.
I've been calling
news editors and different people
Everyone thinks I'm a faker.

Even people here think I'm a faker
and people saw me glow.

It's crazy.

Just ignore them.
It's all right.

- I've got a bit of good news.

- Oh.

So they ran a wee article about you
in the Bay of Plenty Times back home.

"Faker.
"
- Yeah.

- Well, every little bit helps, right?
- Oh, definitely.

- Thanks.

I also wanted to say that,
Clark, I'm so sorry about your dad.

- Thank you.

- Anyway, I got you something.

- What?
- I know you're going through a lot.

It's only small.
But there you go.

Wow.

It's a candle.

You can burn it.

- Love it.

- It's all natural.

- Thank you so much.
That's so great.

- Oh, you're welcome.

Whew!
That is a very natural smelling candle.

God damn it, you insidious beast.

- Oh.

- [sighs.]

- Tough cube, huh?
- Tough cube?
It has 12 sides.

Which is twice as many sides as my last
cube, which makes it 48 times harder.

But I have to solve it.

Wendy gave it to me.

Oh, so that's going well.

I'm so sorry.
I don't mean to pry.

You're not prying.
It's just
The short answer is I hope so.

- She thinks I'm nice.

- Well, you you are nice.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh no.

- What?
I'm in the same puzzle situation
that I was in early this morning.

Or maybe it was last night.
I don't know.

Time and space has no meaning
when it comes to this cube.

Is it even a cube? What do you think? Huh?
It has a zillion different sides.
Right?
The potential algorithms.

They're limitless.

I don't even know what side is up!
Maybe there is no up.

Maybe there's no up.

- I don't know.

- Oh my God.
Clark, that is brilliant.

Maybe it doesn't have an up.

Maybe I Maybe I don't have an up.

Right? Maybe up is down.

Down is up.
Maybe I should
Maybe I need to do things
a little differently.
I just
Mohsin is a little too, you know, stern.

Maybe I need to, like, calm down,
relax a bit, dance.

Maybe a little music.

You could play music for me, couldn't you?
- Like, try to make
- No, no.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
You don't have to.

You've got way too much on your plate.

God.
It's just It is just so
It's so quiet over here without Tom.

I hate to say it.
Without Tom,
without Frisbee, it's it's quiet.

It's too quiet to solve a cube, anyway.

Where do you think they are?
Uh, well, I know Tom is at the hospital
guarding my dad
'cause he did not trust Frisbee
to Satan-proof it.

Demon or regular person?
You shall not pa
Oh, Diane.

Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you're cleared.
Yeah.

You having a good day today?
You know what's so weird?
None of that sounds crazy anymore.

Maybe we're all just going crazy.

What do you think? I don't know.

Do you think Frisbee is part of that
intergalactic God war
that's going on up there, or, uh
- It's a really hard thing to visualize.

- He's a very sedentary man, yeah.

Um
But I kind of have a problem.

- What is it?
- It's, uh
- Is it a cube?
- It's this.

Oh, what's that?
Oh, my God.
Is that
Oh.
Is that, like, something you
Is that something you need to destroy?
Is that, like, a task from God?
Is that [gasps.]

Oh my God.
What is that smell?
- Put it Close it!
- [groans.]

- It's a candle.
Wendy gave me this candle.

- [gasps.]

The candle is the smell
because it's natural.

It's naturally god-awful.

- Smells like a man whose dick
- [coughs.]

[Wendy.]
Hi, guys.

- Hey,
- Oh, hey.
I was just, um
showing Mohsin the candle you gave me.

Great! I'm so pleased you like it.

I've gotta get back to work.

Yeah.
Somebody over here
should be doing some kind of real work.

[laughs.]
Yeah, that's right.
Look at you.

Working on your cube, eh?
A candle, a cube.
Wendy is everywhere.

Where where where [chuckles.]

That was just a little something
in response to your something.

- Right.

- It was good.

- Yeah.

- Okay.
I'm out.

[gasps.]
Why did you bring me into this?
- I didn't mean to, but now you're into it.

- [sighs.]

I can't leave this on my desk.

It could kill somebody.

- I have to go see my dad.
What do I do?
- I have a plan.

Oh, thank goodness.

- Okay.
Now what?
- Well, that's it.
That's the plan.

The plan was just to bring
the candle to Frisbee's office?
Sometimes the simplest plans
are the best plans, all right?
We'll just tell Wendy we're leaving it
here on Frisbee's desk for safekeeping.

- Okay?
- Okay, well, can can you tell her?
I don't really like lying.

Hey, stranger.

- What's going on?
- Hi!
Oh, you know.
Same old.

Same old, same old.

Plus a bunch of weird stuff, and
This and that, and
You know, a a couple of days ago,
Clark told me he loved me, so [chuckles.]

[laughs.]

- Oh, Amily.

- Now
[gasps.]

That's great!
- What did you say back?
- Well, nothing.

Oh.
Okay.

Maybe it's just
a bit too soon for you to know?
Maybe you don't feel the same way.

That's a bit awkward.

I don't know, and that's what's weird.

I always know what to say or what to do.

I mean, even if I have no idea
what I'm talking about,
I still, you know, forge ahead as if I do.

- Mm.

- Now I moved in with
I moved in with somebody and then I'm not
I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

Moving in with someone
that you don't know your feelings for
is very on brand for you, I will say that.

- Yeah.
Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Was Clark mad that you didn't say it back?
No, he wasn't he wasn't mad.
He, um
He said he doesn't need me to say it back.

Then at the same time, he made a
bunch of dead flowers come back to life.

[chuckles.]

- Wowee.

- Yeah.

The crazy thing is that Clark's bringing
a bunch of dead flowers back to life
doesn't actually sound
all that crazy to me anymore.

I know, right?
Well, look.
You like Clark,
a little bit, at least, right?
Well,
I mean, what's not to like, you know?
It's, uh
[sighs.]

You know I'm not
very good at feeling my feelings.

But
I worry about him, you know?
- He's got a lot on his shoulders.

- True.

I think that you
should go easy on yourself,
and just see what happens.

Because it seems like
we are the only people
that are aware of the fact
that it's quite possibly not all that long
until the end of the world.

- [Amily.]
Right? I know.

- Yes.

Thanks, Wendy.

You're welcome.

Sorry to bring the vibe down.

- [Amily.]
Ah
- Great shirt.
You look fantastic.

Thank you.

[crowd yelling.]

I'm very sorry
that I don't have better news,
but his condition hasn't improved.

He has extensive damage to his kidneys,
unknown amount of damage to his brain.

Not right now, but soon, we might want
to start discussing our options.

I'll let you be.

Thank you.

[sighs.]

Chamuel, can you hear me?
Please.
Are you listening?
- [screams.]

- [yells.]

- [splashing.]

- [Clark.]
Chamuel, please.

Oh, I'm gonna chop you up
and use you as dental floss!
That made zero sense.

[Satan.]
It makes perfect sense.

- [yells.]

- [grunts.]
You're insane.

Thank you.

Hand pike.

Hey! Hey! That's the SC!
It's a classic.
I can't replace it.

The desk is off limits, everybody.

It's neutral ground.

Frisbee! Frisbee!
Tell Clark I can't come down right now.

- I'm really busy trying to stay alive.

- [shrieks.]

Oh, no.
Are you bleeding? You never bleed.

- Oh.
I guess I do now.

- [growls.]

[gasping.]

[yelps.]

Ooh.
Shield.

[laughing.]

I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Chamuel, I really need your help.

I need your help right now.

If you can hear me, please.

- Please.

- Come on, Frisbee.
Tell Clark.

Can't do it, bud.
I gotta take notes,
to make sure everybody
follows the rules in the battle.

For example,
you just did a stab with a sword,
which would be SS151.

- And a great job, so I'll put two pluses
- Oh! Shut up, Frisbee.

[screaming.]

Who just went in the infinity chasm?
Was it It looked Was it Balthamore?
- Or was it Baphomet?
- [snarls.]

[yells.]

[Chamuel yells.]

Aw.

Bye, bitch.

[monitors bleeping.]

Dang it, Chamuel.

[sighs.]

How's he doin'?
A little worse, I think?
Hey.
Thanks for lookin' after my pop.

You kiddin' me?
I'm happy to do it.

Also, I don't trust Frisbee
to Harry Potter anything.

Let alone a whole hospital? Please.

I did read the CliffsNotes
to Harry Potter,
and I'm afraid I don't really
get the reference,
but maybe it just means
I need to read the whole thing.

But there's, like, ten books,
so I thought, "Aah, just forget it.
"
- [Tom sighs.]

- I think you're pretty tired.

You should maybe head home
and get some sleep?
No, no, no, absolu No, of course not.

I'm standing guard, you know?
This is my place in your time of need.

You're doin' the Lord's work,
so I gotta do your work.

And hopefully that works.

Work.
Work
- Work, work, work
- I think you're kind of
sleepin' just a little bit
on your feet, okay?
You know what? Maybe I will
- Yeah.
I'll get a coffee.

- Okay.

I'm gonna keep the sword.
Yeah.

I'll keep that.

You know.
I've been thinking.

Maybe I'm not cut out for
this service of God thing.
I mean, it's
I'm clearly not very good at it.

There's so much responsibility.

People are getting hurt
all over the place.

It could keep continuing.

I mean, I don't know.
There
It's very overwhelming, and there has to be
somebody more qualified than me to do it.

Clark, God chose you.

And who are we to say that God chose
wrong? I don't think God chose wrong.

I think God chose right.

I know that if I needed someone
to really do the right thing
I'd choose you too.

I always forget which day is trash day.

[chuckles.]

Truly.
[sighs.]

Ah, I just put my garbage
in my neighbor's yard, so
That's another way to go.

That's not what it's about.

It's about, probably, that you worry about
that you don't know when garbage day is.

I don't even think about it.

Well.
Either way,
you might have bad taste.

- Oh, yeah, I got a bad picker.

- You might.
Yeah.

- Ugh! What is that smell?
- [groans.]

Hi, guys.
How are you going?
Wendy, what is that smell?
That smell?
Oh, I don't know.
I've got a terrible
sense of smell, generally speaking,
and it's due to the fact that
my bloomin' cousin Monica dared me
to put two ignited sparklers straight
up my nostrils when we were both 11.

Bloody bitch.

Anyhow, I digress.

Clark, you forgot your candle.

I saw you left it in Frisbee's office
and I didn't
- Ooh my! Oh my!
- No, no, no, no, no!
[Amily.]
Lid it! Lid it!
- Lid it? Oh.

- [whispers.]
I'm so sorry she found it.

That smells like an entire rugby team
is forced to live in one tiny room.

And they're only allowed
to eat lamb sausage.

And they share the same jockstrap
without a washing machine.

And that jockstrap
has been rebirthed in that
[wheezing.]

In that candle.

Is it really that bad?
- It's a really unfortunate smelling thing.

- Look at Mohsin.

- Mohsin looks like he's about to yack.

- Smells like the worst part
- of the men's locker room.

- Which would be balls.

It smells like balls.

- Oof.

- I mean, subterranean,
dead of summer, New York subway balls.

[Wendy.]
I don't understand.

- Look, it says that it's gentle.

- Okay
Oh, no, not That says génitaux.

Uh [coughs.]

Which is, uh French for "genitals.
"
Who would make a candle that smells
like genitals? That's revolting.

The French.

- [crickets chirping.]

- [murmur of conversation.]

There's actually a ton
of weird-smelling candles out there.

Some of these smell like hooves.

- What kind of hooves?
- I don't know.
It just says hooves.

- Don't get any ideas.

- [chuckles.]

[Amily.]
Where's Tom?
- I don't know.

- He was
I feel like he was just here.

He was really tired.
He's not asleep
on the floor somewhere, is he?
Tom?
- [whispers.]
Sh! People are sick.

- Right.
Of course.

Tom!
- Oh, gosh.
He's
- Tomithy! [chuckles.]

Hey, buddy.

- Ah [sniffles.]

- [Clark.]
How you doin'?
Not good, honestly.

You've been here a long time.
I
It might be time
to go home and get a little rest.

[Mohsin.]
You should take it easy a little.

You need to keep up your vitamin C, buddy.

I'm sorry, are you
Are you guys hearing yourselves?
No, no.
I have to stay here.

This is my duty.

Okay? Look,
no matter how fucked up shit gets
And shit's fucked up.
Look, Clark.

Satan tried to murder your dad.

Tried to nuke that reporter,
who, by the way,
wrote that article we needed her to
and no one believed her.

There's angels and demons having
an epic battle in another dimension,
and God's side is losing.

How could God lose?
I'm having a really hard time
understanding any of this.

[breathing shakily.]

Clark, look at your dad, man.

[Tom sobs.]

[sighs.]
He's in a really bad way,
and frankly
so am I.

Oh, Tom.

[gasps.]

Who are you?
- Pop.

- Oh!
Uh, my my name is Tom.
I'm Tom.

Did you guys see that? Did you
- Oh
- [Tom.]
My tear.

- I'm like that guy.
Who's that guy?
- Hi, Pop.

John! John the Baptist!
I'm like I'm like John the Baptist.

'Cause I baptized you with my tear.

Right? I'm Tom the Baptist!
John the Baptist didn't
- You know what? It's fine.

- [all laughing.]

Good job, Tom.

- Nice, Tom.

- [sobbing.]
Whoo!
- [all.]
Tom! Tom! Tom!
- We'll give it to you, Tom.

We'll give it to you, Tom.

- [all.]
Tom! Tom! Tom!
- [Tom!.]
Me! Me! Me!
Yes, me! Yes, me! Ha, ha!
[Amily laughing.]
Oh, my God.

- [Clark.]
Whoa!
- [Amily giggles.]
Oh, my God.
You did it!
[theme music playing.]

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