Going Dutch (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

Nazi Hunters

1
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Hey, Papa D. Come on in.
- Sit down. How you doing?
- What's going on?
I just wanted to have
a little, uh, chat.
- Is someone dead?
- No, no, no.
- Is my dad dead?
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, listen, one of
my favorite things
on this base, if not my favorite thing,
is that tank we stole.
[CHUCKLES] And that heist proved
to me that you have potential.
- Potential? Okay.
- Yes.
Now we're talking. I'm listening, man.
Go pull Dead Poets Society on me.
"Oh, colonel, my colonel."
I don't know what that means,
but listen to me.
You're a corporal, right?
So you're on a leadership track.
And, and you can't remember
when to salute.
That's the kind of thing,
it's a basic
No, no, it's not now.
- No, and this is all wrong.
- Open hand?
Just put it down.
I don't even need you to
meet me halfway anymore,
'cause I know you'd get winded.
I just need you to take
a couple of baby steps
towards me, all right?
- Pfft. Yeah, or else what?
- Or else
We both know you're not gonna
kick me out of the army.
Dude, tech geniuses don't come
to Stroopsdorf very often.
I mean, the guy I replaced
was still paying for AOL.
I will drum you out if I have to.
- For what?
- Your hair, mustache, posture,
attitude, laziness,
lack of fitness, gait.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Do you know what I'm saying?
Pfft. It's tough love.
But maybe it's time to grow up.
Hey, we're about to serve
birthday cake in the Team Center.
I'm only trying to get you
What? W-where are you going?
You are not dismissed. I will
kick you out for good.
Oh, my God.
I'm never gonna make it
through this place.
[THEME MUSIC]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Got a minute?
- Yeah.
Would you care to join me
on a little trip
to a local antique store
that apparently has
a sizable collection of
World War II memorabilia,
including a Colt single-action revolver
used by General Patton during the war?
- Wow.
- I know.
This is like, you know,
something that we
really bonded over
when you were a kid and
Yeah. A love for World War II
is not something that we shared.
Yeah, you droning on
about it is something
- I've always had to endure.
- What?
Do you remember my ninth birthday?
I had a slumber party,
and you made us all watch
Saving Private Ryan, and
then all the girls had to
call their parents to get picked up
after Vin Diesel's head was blasted off?
Honey, you're never too young
to learn not to walk
into a sniper's ambush.
Why are you so obsessed
with World War II?
The greatest war fought by
the greatest generation
against the greatest enemy that
we have ever crushed like a bug.
You know, when I was little, I thought
that you loved this war more
than you loved me.
Oh, my God. I was right.
- Are you serious?
- No! Of course not.
- Of course not?
- I have to say something
like that out loud? That's the
problem with your generation
Yes, you literally do have to say
something like that out loud.
- My generation?
- is everything has to
- be said out loud.
- Your generation
is obsessed with World War II.
Oh, my God. You know what?
Let me explain something to you.
When I was a kid, there were
Nazis everywhere, okay?
Hiding out in basements in Cleveland.
They were selling used cars
in Wisconsin.
And I'll tell you something
else. When I was a kid,
I'd go to the Oktoberfest every year
just to see if I could see one of these
drunk German bastards slip a Sieg Heil.
Now, they never did, but, you know,
and they did report to my parents
that I was kind of stalking them.
But I learned to be vigilant
because our enemies
are always around us, especially
here. Are you kidding me?
- Here, of all places. Yes.
- In the Netherlands?
The biggest threat to the United States
is how much better their Kit Kat is.
That's the kind of dovish
thinking that leads
to our base being wide open
to our enemies
- and a surprise attack.
- [MAGGIE] Did you know that
we run war games quarterly?
- You run war games? Okay.
- [MAGGIE] Mm-hmm.
What are you, warm up some
towels and melt some Kit Kats?
War games. Oh, this is interesting.
I think I'd like to run one
tomorrow at 0900.
- We'll be ready.
- Okay.
And what about the little jaunt
to the, uh, antique store?
Oh, sure. Yeah, as long as I can, uh,
take General Patton's gun
and shoot myself in the head.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All right, listen up.
Everybody listen up. We are at war.
Russian forces have invaded
Eastern Europe.
Tyranny is at our doorstep.
And I say we open the door and
punch tyranny right in the neck.
[CHEERING]
I know this is just a war game,
but he is giving that
Danny Day-Lewis level of commitment.
Now, our mission today is to
meet at the rendezvous point
and supply three full brigades
[SIGHS] with laundry and cheese.
[SOLDIERS] Yeah!
Woo-hoo!
[SIGHS] Do you understand the mission?
[SOLDIERS] Sir, yes, sir!
Now let's go do it! Dismissed.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You're gonna like what you see
today. My troops are special.
- Oh, yeah, they're special.
- You can't say that.
What, I just said what you said.
- No, you had a tone.
- I said special.
- You said special.
- You said special
- in a special tone.
- Forget it. You have one hour.
No problem.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
The first round of MREs are
headed to the truck,
and we have plenty of cheese
for the rest.
Are you sure about that, sergeant?
An enemy just fired
a short-range ballistic missile.
All of this cheese is destroyed.
No, seriously, all of it's destroyed.
- Go away.
- What are you doing?
Your war game scenario read
like a Black Friday rehearsal
at Walmart. Major Shah
is here to represent
the unpredictability of the enemy.
I'm your worst nightmare.
I am the agent of chaos.
Why are you dressed
- like a stagehand?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, the enemy could be anyone.
I thought the black would sell
that. I just made a choice.
I don't think he looks like a stagehand.
- I think he looks cool.
- Thank you.
Clock is ticking, captain.
Clock is ticking.
Sergeant, deploy the Comté.
- Uh, the
- That's just fancy cheese.
Just hold her. This is why we
keep a secret stash.
Uh, I'm-I'm gonna do it,
but you don't have to use
outlandish words together
like just and fancy.
[BA] Captain, we have a problem.
- Uh Uh
- Hey.
Captain, we're down to like
half the machines.
They keep tripping the breakers.
The Russians have colluded
with your suppliers,
and now you've got faulty wiring.
- Agent of chaos strikes again.
- Why are you doing this?
Because no one understands the
enemy better than the Colonel.
If he says you're gonna be
attacked, you gotta be ready.
Nope. I mean, why are you a stagehand?
Okay, what is this vendetta
against stagehands?
They're the backbone of the theater.
Relax, Shakespeare.
- You're wearing a cool outfit.
- Thank you.
Corporal Papadakis, I need
more power to laundry.
[ELIAS] Yeah, working on it, Captain.
Hey, listen, while I have you,
I'd love for you to support my appeal
regarding the Colonel's
kicking me out of the Army.
I like it here. They gave
me a free footlocker
in the Bayou Churchill.
Not the time, corporal.
[ELIAS] I shouldn't be
punished for my love
of birthday cake
because well, it's just that
cake and I are an amazing team.
We're, uh, together like
peanut butter and jelly,
like college students
and Adderall, okay?
- Appeal denied, soldier.
- Don't
Corporal, what about the power?
I can get you the juice,
but I'd have to shut down
the bowling alley and let's just say
the locals are having a tournament.
Betray your beloved townies? No way
- Do it.
- May God have mercy on us all.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
Back on schedule.
Impressive.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
- Only I get to be that cocky.
- Let's go, move, move!
Oh, um, just one more load of laundry
with, uh, time to spare.
Would you look at that?
Well, how is BA gonna handle
it without his jeep, you know?
The enemy had to watch an hour-long
YouTube tutorial to figure this one out.
Twenty. Mississippi, -Private BA?
- Nineteen
- Anyone got eyes on BA?
- I'm really going slow.
- Stop!
- Mississippi, seventeen.
- Come on, BA.
- [BA] Watch out, watch out!
- Here he comes!
Watch out! Out of the way!
[SLOW MOTION SPEECH]
[GROANS]
[CHEERING]
Yes, yes!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Yes! Yes!
- Way to go, BA!
- Thank you.
- Oh, colonel.
You have to remind me.
How do you like your crow?
Barbecue, right? I told
you we're always prepared,
and we can handle you, and, I mean
Hey, what the hell is that?
That appears to be a drone, sir.
Yeah, we have an unidentified
bogey in our airspace.
Oh, Colonel, no, no, no.
That's just Geert.
- What's Geert?
- Geert.
[MAGGIE] He's a little Dutch boy
who lives in the next town.
He's quite the drone pilot. Hi, Geert.
- Hi, cutie.
- What, don't wave at him.
You're letting this kid fly a drone in?
Yeah, he's like the base's pen pal.
- The pen pal? The base pen pal?
- Yeah.
Yeah. And there we go.
Oh, he wants to know
how the war game went.
Oh, that's what the enemy
would wanna know.
That's what the enemy would wanna know.
- Ugh!
- No, no, Geert.
Aha. Chinese lettering.
What does that say?
Sir, that says made in China.
If that makes this an enemy drone,
then I have a 65-inch flat screen
you'll wanna interrogate.
Okay, are we done fear-mongering?
I'm not fear-mongering.
Have you met this kid?
Yeah, we FaceTimed him once.
Yeah, and what did he look like?
He
- He was too shy to be on camera.
- Oh?
But that made sense at the time.
I'm sure it made sense at the time.
If you're a toothless woman
from the Midwest
trying to catfish somebody
or, of course, a kid spy.
No, you always do this.
You always need an enemy.
It's like when you thought my babysitter
was poisoning my mind with propaganda.
O-okay, that stupid giving tree
with the free handouts
that boy needed to get a real
job and buy his own wood.
Colonel, Papadakis was
able to extract data
from the drone's GPS.
We have Geert's location.
No, no, no.
No, you're not going into
a child's house
and accusing him of espionage.
- You're right. I'm not.
- Thank you.
- We are. Yeah, we are going.
- What?
That sounds like a great
father-daughter bonding experience.
- Let me know how that goes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, we're all going.
- What did you say?
- I can't hear you.
- We're all going.
I can't hear you. Who is we?
[MAGGIE] Geert is not a terrorist.
He's a sweet 12-year-old boy.
Where does this paranoia even come from?
Okay, how about one cursory
glance at history, huh?
Beautiful countryside.
You'd think nothing bad
ever happened here, right?
You'd be wrong.
September 1944.
It's like we're on one of
their family road trips.
- Right.
- I'm just kidding.
He wasn't around long enough
for them to go anywhere.
I'm sorry you got dragged into this.
Oh, it's okay. I'm sure
I'll get something out of it.
Yeah, absolutely. You can learn a lot.
I mean, no one anticipates
a surprise attack
or can sniff out a mole
like the colonel.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, well, that's not what I meant.
The man cost me my Comté.
I will be leaving with something.
Okay. Operation Market Garden.
The Battle of the Scheldt.
Right up the road here,
the Battle of Otterlo.
I mean, this whole area, all the roads,
meadows, fields,
just smothered by Nazis.
Are you being wistful right now?
You sound like you were longing
for an old friend.
I just would love to have been there
just so I could, you know,
just punch one Nazi
right in his Nazi face.
Okay, dad, stop. You're,
you're making me a statistic.
Just another daughter
who has lost her father
to World War II addiction.
It's like fentanyl for boomers.
[ELIAS] The colonel is finally
serious about kicking me out.
I guess we should just put up our stuff.
I'm gonna need to take that
Fast 8 poster.
All the computers, the TV,
the beanbag couch.
Okay, I guess I called dibs
on the mini fridge then.
Now, wait, man, I can't let you do that.
We brought that baby
into this world together
with those Dave & Buster tickets.
- I know, I know.
- I just wish there was something
we could do to change
the colonel's mind.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. I've got it.
What does the colonel hate
more than anything
- in the entire world?
- Pacifists.
- And after that?
- Billie Eilish?
Okay, third then?
The possum's squatting in the air tower.
Dude, we just gotta figure out
a way to kick him out!
I know!
I'm scared of possums.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[PANTING]
- Ah! Ah!
- [BA] Oh, God.
Everything hurts. [GROANS]
Dude, that just felt
unbelievably coordinated.
Yes, I think they, I think
they speak same language.
Felt like they were
toying with us at the end.
[DOOR OPENS]
[LAUGHING]
So you are Geert?
I am Geert chess teacher.
Geert, you have adult visitors.
- I'll leave you now.
- Yeah.
- Hm?
- A Russian chess teacher?
Maggie, Dana.
- Hi!
- My American friends.
[MAGGIE] I told you he was a boy.
Hey, Geert, where are your parents?
- The dentist.
- [SCOFFS]
Parents are at a joint
dental appointment
in a country with socialized medicine?
Yeah, likely story, pal.
[ABRAHAM] Um, hey, you know, I've always
trusted your instincts, right?
Yeah, I know.
That's 'cause I'm always right.
I predicted your divorce
at your wedding.
That was a really heartfelt speech, sir.
I just think that's a child, right?
And I was with you this whole time,
but once again, that is a child.
- Maybe we should leave.
- Yeah, you're right.
Let me tell you something,
Benjamin Button.
You have everybody else
fooled, but not me.
I know you're up to something.
You got five seconds to come clean.
- Dad! Dad, stop!
- One, Mississippi.
- Two, U.S. Army.
- Geert, please don't cry!
No, Margaret. He is right.
I've been secretly collecting documents.
I shall give them to you now.
Documents! He's got it.
- What?
- Collecting documents.
I was right. Thank you.
[DANA] That's just his mom's
glossy fashion magazine.
Zendaya makes me feel things in my body.
[DANA] Is that why it's so glossy?
[GEERT'S MOM] Geert, what's going on?
- Parents are here.
- Ah, we're here.
So, yeah, it's official.
Your son's into Zendaya, um
Zendaya, so it means he's
probably into girls, so
- Who are you?
- We're the U.S. Navy.
- Yeah, that's right.
- We're everywhere, okay?
Sorry. Gotta get back to the boat!
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
You were right. Fine.
Geert hasn't been turned
by the enemy yet.
- Oh, my God.
- Sir. This might be the fact
that I just witnessed
a tearful confession
of a preteen's masturbation habits,
but maybe it's time to admit that
here in the Netherlands, we're
not surrounded by enemies.
Okay, well, you're just
lucky you weren't here
in the early 1930s,
when apparently a harmless,
failed Austrian painter
- Don't say it.
- Please don't.
[PATRICK] everybody came to call
No, no, no! Okay, you know what?
You want World War II?
I will give you World War II. Let's go.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Wow, what a nice surprise.
You've got some incredible pieces here.
Here it is. This is what
you wanted to see, right?
Patton's gun?
[PATRICK] Wow, look at that.
He said his .357 was his killing gun,
but this was his walking-around gun.
Thank you for bringing me here.
I mean, this is a great way
to admit that you were wrong.
It's very honorable.
No, see, I brought you here
to show you what's gonna happen
if you don't stop living in the past.
If you refuse to evolve,
you're just gonna
become an old, dusty relic
that nobody wants anything to do with.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Okay.
- Was that too mean?
- Hmm.
- Do you have a bathroom?
- Mm-hmm-mm.
[HUMMING] Bathroom, bathroom,
where are you? But
[KEYCHAIN JANGLING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Holy Nazi!
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God. He is a Nazi.
I still gotta pee.
Colonel, colonel.
You're gonna wanna hear this.
All right, listen,
I know you were right.
I am a dusty old relic
that belongs on a shelf.
I don't get it. I just, I guess I need,
like, an enemy for moral clarity
or something, you know?
That is real growth, and I want
you to remember that, okay?
And-and remember that you were wrong
about Geert and the drone,
and so, so, so, so much more.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Usually so wrong
about all things. Um, but
there's a Nazi in there.
I knew it! There's a Nazi.
Yeah, I should have
recognized that mole.
It's Cindy Crawford meets
the master race.
It's Helmut von Furstenberg,
the Butcher of Baden,
and I'm about to get him.
Okay, Colonel,
your instincts were right.
There was an enemy near-ish.
- I'm sorry I doubted you, sir.
- Okay, he didn't know.
Well, maybe we should circle back
and check on Geert after this.
- Good idea.
- Wrong lesson.
- Makes no sense.
- I don't know.
- He did find the Nazi.
- I-I found him.
- But why would he be here?
- The Battle of Otterlo.
An Allied victory so resounding
that Nazis who were fleeing
stripped off their uniforms
and melted into the countryside
to live their cowardly lives
in anonymity.
- Like this guy.
- Wow.
Okay, just 'cause I was bored
out of my mind
doesn't mean I wasn't listening.
- You know?
- I can't believe this, guys.
I'm gonna fight the final battle
of World War II.
Oh, my God, and I get to punch a Nazi.
Probably the final Nazi.
I'm gonna be in the history books.
- Wow.
- Are you getting emotional?
This is a big deal for him.
All right, he's got
a real Indiana Jones fantasy
and everything in there
belongs in a museum.
[SIGHS] So this is poetic.
Okay, how do I look?
Like you're missing something.
Oh, dude, now we're never
gonna get to show the colonel
that you deserve to stay in the Army.
I want you to have the mini fridge.
- Oh, really?
- [PHONE NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES] Why don't we both
keep the mini fridge?
Hey. You know what they say,
if you're gonna fight a Nazi,
you gotta do it in
a World War II inspired uniform.
You guys look like you've fought a Nazi.
- What happened?
- Oh, my gosh.
We were fighting over
who could carry the uniform.
- And you won. Wow.
- Yes.
You guys are even more
resourceful than I thought.
I totally underestimated you.
Nice job. Now, I gotta go.
- I gotta go fight a Nazi.
- Fun.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Where is that Nazi bastard?
- My body feels amazing.
- I know. Pure electricity?
- Tingling with
'Cause you're about to go
toe-to-toe with evil?
- Exactly.
- Yeah, that's how I feel
every day. Helmut von Furstenberg,
show your face.
[ELIAS] Oh, right! WW2 was like
a thousand years ago.
[PATRICK LAUGHS] Ah-ha!
[KEYS JINGLING]
I peed on your Nazi stuff.
- Oh!
- You did what?
- What?
- Did you wipe?
- What?!
- He's a literal Nazi. Judge him.
I think I've never been
prouder of you than right now.
- Okay, let's focus.
- Okay. You know what?
World's been waiting
80 years for this, pal.
[GROANING]
[THUDS]
- Hm.
- Sorry, what's happening?
He's having a heart attack.
- Right.
- We should save him.
Do we save him? I mean, he was a Nazi.
If anything, we do Maggie's pee thing.
- That is not my thing.
- Yeah. it is.
Why don't you just say now?
It's definitely your thing.
Listen, Maggie's right.
He's our enemy until he's wounded.
Now he's wounded,
we gotta save his life.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [BONES CRUNCHING]
- Oh.
What do you want me to do? He's old.
- He's got Cheetos for ribs.
- Yeah
Oh, I think you should stop, colonel.
- Yeah, no, I think you're right.
- You're making him more dead.
He My hands are wet.
Can you see if there's any Nazi
paper towels or handkerchiefs?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[AMBULANCE SIREN]
Sorry you didn't get to,
uh, punch a Nazi.
Well, I got to cave his chest
in, which is pretty cool.
- [SHUDDERS] Nah.
- Oh, I love that.
Thank you. A racist dead man
gave it to me.
- Oh!
- Uh, I don't think we should be
stealing items from crime
Ooh-hoo-hoo. God, I love you.
That's fantastic.
I am still waiting for you
to say that to my face.
- Okay. Me, me, me.
- You know that, right?
I told you I was leaving with something.
- You did say that.
- Am I
- Okay.
- Wow.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Colonel. You wanted to see me?
- Hey!
Look at you. Well, well, well.
- You combed your hair.
- Yes, I did.
And you got your jacket ironed
and it zipped up.
You took a couple steps in my direction.
- I finally get it, Big C.
- You do?
All these things
you've been teaching me.
- Good.
- Stealing tanks
Punching old Germans, prostitution.
Never dating 'em. I don't know
what your deal is.
And that's what it means
to be a soldier, right?
- Shh!
- Right?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- That's
- Old school.
It's old school, but it's not
You can't tell anybody about that.
Besides the people that already know
that are involved with us.
- We can't.
- Yeah, I know.
So you can't tell family
members, friends.
Nobody can know about this.
Not gonna tell anyone.
Okay.
- Very good, soldier.
- Yup.
The hair's still not in
regulation yet, but it's good.
- I'm glad you
- Yeah.
Uh, I do need to get my mom
to take down a podcast, bye.
W-wait, what? Your mom has a podcast?
Previous Episode