Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Escape To Tooth Mountain
- Aww.
- Ha ha! [grunts.]
[screams.]
[laughs.]
- Richard, give us more quarters.
- Sorry, guys, all out.
[cackles.]
Richard's unable to provide even fractions of a dollar because he's unemployed.
[laughing.]
Stop it, guys.
Richard has a job.
Oh, totally.
Lot's of people with jobs get checks from the unemployment office.
I checks from the unemployment office because I work at the unemployment office.
Yeah, right.
And I get hemorrhoids because I work at the hemorrhoid emporium.
Dylan: Brains.
Give me stupid sister brains.
- Gross! - Ghaa! Dylan, stop making your loose tooth bleed.
[gasps.]
Looks like someone's getting a visit from the Tooth fairy.
Tooth fairy? Why have I not heard of this Tooth fairy? Because she's made up.
The kids at school told me she's not real.
What?! [child grunts.]
Those kids are stupid liars.
Golan, when a human child loses a tooth, the Tooth fairy who's very real flies in at night and replaces that tooth with dollar.
Oh, this Tooth fairy must be powerful and cruel to horde the teeth of children.
[chuckles.]
Oh, oh I'm going into a fantasy.
Put a baby inside me, Golan.
That Tooth fairy will be mine.
Dylan, un-mouth that tooth! [screams.]
Oh! [chomps.]
[grunts.]
[laughs.]
[screeching.]
Huh? [grunting.]
[screams.]
[roars.]
[grunting.]
[beeps.]
1x03 - Escape To Tooth Mountain Oh, yeah.
This Tooth fairy is in for the night of her life.
I just hope she can still fly after I'm done with her.
If you know what I'm saying.
Obviously, you're gonna rip off her wings, right? If I do it right.
Now go to sleep! I don't need you screwing this up for me.
So what? You're gonna try to stay up all night? - Yeah, I am.
- Shaa, you'll never make it.
On New Year's eve, you were fast asleep by 10:30.
Well, that's because I was rollerblading all day, but today, I hardly rollerbladed at all.
[snoring.]
[mumbles.]
[snores.]
Ah.
[birds twitter.]
Oh, curses! I fell asleep.
Oh no.
Uh, um, wait.
[slurps.]
[laughs.]
Bye, Tooth fairy.
Thanks for all the above average relations.
And psych! I wasn't a virgin.
[laughs.]
The Tooth fairy was here.
Dylan, you've been here the whole time while I was getting busy with the Tooth fairy? So she's really, really, really real? Oh, yeah, she's real.
Real hot for my bod.
And then Golan and the Tooth fairy ate so many teeth, and then they puked teeth, and then he touched her boobs, and her boobs had teeth.
Golan, stop telling your sex stories to my six-year-old daughter and start writing them down in this journal.
Well, the important thing is that we all know the Tooth fairy is real.
Now I'm off to my job at the unemployment office, which is also real, Golan.
Now it's just getting sad.
Alexis! You must be so jealous of me and the Tooth fairy.
Oh, please, Golan.
We all know you never met the Tooth fairy.
- I did so.
- You did not! Wha what do you think, I gave these hickies to myself? 'Cause that would be a cry for help.
Okay, well, Keith and I are going to the spaghetti barn tonight.
Maybe you and your girlfriend should meet us there.
Do it, Golan.
Then kill the non-believers - and bring me their leftovers.
- Uh, fine.
Me and the Tooth fairy will meet you tonight, Alexis.
And one of us is gonna look pretty stupid.
Missed connection.
I am an experienced demigod who was sleeping with a little girl.
You" [door opens.]
Golan.
I sharpened your beheading ax - for the big date.
- Well, the date is off - Thanks to you.
- Me? What did I do? Yeah, this morning, the Tooth fairy saw your stupid face and thought you were my special-needs kid.
And chicks do not dig single dads with special-needs kids.
So she didn't leave her number and now I can't tell her about the date at spaghetti barn.
Relax, all you have to do is put another tooth under my pillow and she'll come back.
Well, if she likes your tiny yellow teeth, she'll love these.
Awesome! But I think the Tooth fairy only wants kids' teeth.
[groans.]
[crunching.]
Oh, I got it.
Billy Anderson lost a tooth today at soccer - when I punched him in the face.
- [swallows.]
So? So the Tooth fairy will be at his house tonight.
Then so shall I be there also.
[groans.]
I don't know why I give squirrels so much crap.
This is pretty nice.
[birds twitter.]
Oh, hey there, little guys.
Mommy bird not around? Don't worry.
I'll feed you.
[crunching.]
[retches.]
[sizzling.]
Well, that's how they died.
Oh, hey there, mommy bird.
Some dumb-ass squirrel just murdered your children.
Really sorry for your loss.
They seemed like great kids.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a date.
Hmm.
Oh geez! Please don't let that be the Tooth fairy.
[groans.]
Well, she's probably very giving.
[grunts.]
[screams.]
- Mommy? - Ah, no need to call for your mother.
[whimpers.]
The Tooth fairy and I were just leaving.
[screams.]
Date night! [melancholy music plays.]
[woman screams.]
Alexis is never gonna believe we're in love, if you scream every time [muffled speech.]
I uncover your mouth.
[muffled speech.]
So quit it.
Cool? [muffled speech.]
Yeah, there we go.
Now when Alexis and Keith get here, act super into me.
Touch my arm a lot.
Laugh at everything I say.
Laugh at everything I say! [forced laughs.]
[laughing.]
[crying.]
Ah.
[violin music plays.]
[whistles.]
This is quite the production.
You know, you're not so bad looking in the dim light.
Whoa, what's happening? Do you feel that? What are you doing to me? - Nothing.
I'm just scared.
- I'm scared too, honey.
I mean, I've never had feelings like this before.
- Please don't hurt me.
- Oh, Tooth fairy, no one ever goes into a relationship planning to hurt the other person.
Everything will be fine as long as we're honest with each other.
Here is something you should probably know about me.
I'm a single father and I have a special-needs child.
It is quite a challenge, but it is all worth it when I see her smile, which is like all the time.
You know how they are.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! There's Alexis and Keith.
Ooh, she's gonna be so jealous we're in love.
If she asks, tell her your usually way more attractive.
Alexis! [gasps.]
- Hey, 'sup, Keith? - Oh my god, Golan.
You're actually here? Wait, where's your girlfriend the Tooth fairy? Right this way.
Tooth fairy? - Tooth fairy! - Oh, maybe she turned invisible.
I mean, the Tooth fairy does have special powers, right? Yeah, like the power to not exist.
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
You mock my love, you son of a bitch! - [grunts.]
Golan! - Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I'll have to ask you to [growls.]
[screams.]
[grunting.]
[screaming.]
My word! The spaghetti barn used to have standards.
Harold, get your hat.
We're leaving.
Hmph.
[screams.]
This is what I get for saying yes to love.
- Snap out of it.
- Agh! You can't let this Tooth fairy whore disrespect the Godlord terrible of Gkruool.
You're right, Dylan.
I will make this tooth monger pay for what she's done.
Yeah, let's kill her and display her rotting, decapitated, worm-infested husk on the front yard.
You know, Dylan, sometimes I worry I'm a bad influence.
Now to lure the Tooth fairy here, you're going to need one of my teeth, Golan.
Ready? - Ready.
- On your mark [grunts.]
[screams.]
[cracks.]
Did it work? Tooth triumph! Aww.
[metal clangs.]
Oww! My arm! Tooth fairy, meet your doom.
- Oh! God! - Richard, now what are you doing here? - Why are you giving me money? - Ah! Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
Were the other kids right? Is the Tooth fairy made-up? - Uh - Golan? - Have you been lying to me? - Uh, no.
Golan, tell me the truth.
- Well, the thing is - Golan, the truth! Fine, fine, fine.
I'll come clean.
- Golan: The truth is - The truth is I snuck in here to steal the money from the Tooth fairy who is as real as this bone sticking out of my arm.
What? Really? But that's stealing.
Why would you do that, father? Because he's unemployed.
[laughs.]
I knew it.
Yup, Golan's right.
Can't hold down a job.
- Dylan, I hope you can forgive me.
- Never! Golan says forgiveness is a sign of weakness.
- Now give me my Tooth fairy money.
- Here you go, honey.
[screams.]
What's going on? Oh my god! [screams.]
Your husband was just elected President of Loser-ville.
And the Tooth fairy and I are more in love than ever.
Oh, Alexis, this must just be eating you up inside.
I don't care anymore.
Lives are being destroyed.
- Let's just go to the hospital, please.
- Come on, honey.
We can visit the waiter from the spaghetti barn.
Oh, Dylan.
Sorry your dad is such a poor provider.
Uh, he got what he deserved.
Hey, look.
The Tooth fairy forgot my tooth.
Excellent.
That means she shall return.
And when she does [claw creaks.]
we'll be ready.
Man: No! [children cry.]
- Ha ha! [grunts.]
[screams.]
[laughs.]
- Richard, give us more quarters.
- Sorry, guys, all out.
[cackles.]
Richard's unable to provide even fractions of a dollar because he's unemployed.
[laughing.]
Stop it, guys.
Richard has a job.
Oh, totally.
Lot's of people with jobs get checks from the unemployment office.
I checks from the unemployment office because I work at the unemployment office.
Yeah, right.
And I get hemorrhoids because I work at the hemorrhoid emporium.
Dylan: Brains.
Give me stupid sister brains.
- Gross! - Ghaa! Dylan, stop making your loose tooth bleed.
[gasps.]
Looks like someone's getting a visit from the Tooth fairy.
Tooth fairy? Why have I not heard of this Tooth fairy? Because she's made up.
The kids at school told me she's not real.
What?! [child grunts.]
Those kids are stupid liars.
Golan, when a human child loses a tooth, the Tooth fairy who's very real flies in at night and replaces that tooth with dollar.
Oh, this Tooth fairy must be powerful and cruel to horde the teeth of children.
[chuckles.]
Oh, oh I'm going into a fantasy.
Put a baby inside me, Golan.
That Tooth fairy will be mine.
Dylan, un-mouth that tooth! [screams.]
Oh! [chomps.]
[grunts.]
[laughs.]
[screeching.]
Huh? [grunting.]
[screams.]
[roars.]
[grunting.]
[beeps.]
1x03 - Escape To Tooth Mountain Oh, yeah.
This Tooth fairy is in for the night of her life.
I just hope she can still fly after I'm done with her.
If you know what I'm saying.
Obviously, you're gonna rip off her wings, right? If I do it right.
Now go to sleep! I don't need you screwing this up for me.
So what? You're gonna try to stay up all night? - Yeah, I am.
- Shaa, you'll never make it.
On New Year's eve, you were fast asleep by 10:30.
Well, that's because I was rollerblading all day, but today, I hardly rollerbladed at all.
[snoring.]
[mumbles.]
[snores.]
Ah.
[birds twitter.]
Oh, curses! I fell asleep.
Oh no.
Uh, um, wait.
[slurps.]
[laughs.]
Bye, Tooth fairy.
Thanks for all the above average relations.
And psych! I wasn't a virgin.
[laughs.]
The Tooth fairy was here.
Dylan, you've been here the whole time while I was getting busy with the Tooth fairy? So she's really, really, really real? Oh, yeah, she's real.
Real hot for my bod.
And then Golan and the Tooth fairy ate so many teeth, and then they puked teeth, and then he touched her boobs, and her boobs had teeth.
Golan, stop telling your sex stories to my six-year-old daughter and start writing them down in this journal.
Well, the important thing is that we all know the Tooth fairy is real.
Now I'm off to my job at the unemployment office, which is also real, Golan.
Now it's just getting sad.
Alexis! You must be so jealous of me and the Tooth fairy.
Oh, please, Golan.
We all know you never met the Tooth fairy.
- I did so.
- You did not! Wha what do you think, I gave these hickies to myself? 'Cause that would be a cry for help.
Okay, well, Keith and I are going to the spaghetti barn tonight.
Maybe you and your girlfriend should meet us there.
Do it, Golan.
Then kill the non-believers - and bring me their leftovers.
- Uh, fine.
Me and the Tooth fairy will meet you tonight, Alexis.
And one of us is gonna look pretty stupid.
Missed connection.
I am an experienced demigod who was sleeping with a little girl.
You" [door opens.]
Golan.
I sharpened your beheading ax - for the big date.
- Well, the date is off - Thanks to you.
- Me? What did I do? Yeah, this morning, the Tooth fairy saw your stupid face and thought you were my special-needs kid.
And chicks do not dig single dads with special-needs kids.
So she didn't leave her number and now I can't tell her about the date at spaghetti barn.
Relax, all you have to do is put another tooth under my pillow and she'll come back.
Well, if she likes your tiny yellow teeth, she'll love these.
Awesome! But I think the Tooth fairy only wants kids' teeth.
[groans.]
[crunching.]
Oh, I got it.
Billy Anderson lost a tooth today at soccer - when I punched him in the face.
- [swallows.]
So? So the Tooth fairy will be at his house tonight.
Then so shall I be there also.
[groans.]
I don't know why I give squirrels so much crap.
This is pretty nice.
[birds twitter.]
Oh, hey there, little guys.
Mommy bird not around? Don't worry.
I'll feed you.
[crunching.]
[retches.]
[sizzling.]
Well, that's how they died.
Oh, hey there, mommy bird.
Some dumb-ass squirrel just murdered your children.
Really sorry for your loss.
They seemed like great kids.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a date.
Hmm.
Oh geez! Please don't let that be the Tooth fairy.
[groans.]
Well, she's probably very giving.
[grunts.]
[screams.]
- Mommy? - Ah, no need to call for your mother.
[whimpers.]
The Tooth fairy and I were just leaving.
[screams.]
Date night! [melancholy music plays.]
[woman screams.]
Alexis is never gonna believe we're in love, if you scream every time [muffled speech.]
I uncover your mouth.
[muffled speech.]
So quit it.
Cool? [muffled speech.]
Yeah, there we go.
Now when Alexis and Keith get here, act super into me.
Touch my arm a lot.
Laugh at everything I say.
Laugh at everything I say! [forced laughs.]
[laughing.]
[crying.]
Ah.
[violin music plays.]
[whistles.]
This is quite the production.
You know, you're not so bad looking in the dim light.
Whoa, what's happening? Do you feel that? What are you doing to me? - Nothing.
I'm just scared.
- I'm scared too, honey.
I mean, I've never had feelings like this before.
- Please don't hurt me.
- Oh, Tooth fairy, no one ever goes into a relationship planning to hurt the other person.
Everything will be fine as long as we're honest with each other.
Here is something you should probably know about me.
I'm a single father and I have a special-needs child.
It is quite a challenge, but it is all worth it when I see her smile, which is like all the time.
You know how they are.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! There's Alexis and Keith.
Ooh, she's gonna be so jealous we're in love.
If she asks, tell her your usually way more attractive.
Alexis! [gasps.]
- Hey, 'sup, Keith? - Oh my god, Golan.
You're actually here? Wait, where's your girlfriend the Tooth fairy? Right this way.
Tooth fairy? - Tooth fairy! - Oh, maybe she turned invisible.
I mean, the Tooth fairy does have special powers, right? Yeah, like the power to not exist.
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
You mock my love, you son of a bitch! - [grunts.]
Golan! - Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I'll have to ask you to [growls.]
[screams.]
[grunting.]
[screaming.]
My word! The spaghetti barn used to have standards.
Harold, get your hat.
We're leaving.
Hmph.
[screams.]
This is what I get for saying yes to love.
- Snap out of it.
- Agh! You can't let this Tooth fairy whore disrespect the Godlord terrible of Gkruool.
You're right, Dylan.
I will make this tooth monger pay for what she's done.
Yeah, let's kill her and display her rotting, decapitated, worm-infested husk on the front yard.
You know, Dylan, sometimes I worry I'm a bad influence.
Now to lure the Tooth fairy here, you're going to need one of my teeth, Golan.
Ready? - Ready.
- On your mark [grunts.]
[screams.]
[cracks.]
Did it work? Tooth triumph! Aww.
[metal clangs.]
Oww! My arm! Tooth fairy, meet your doom.
- Oh! God! - Richard, now what are you doing here? - Why are you giving me money? - Ah! Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
Were the other kids right? Is the Tooth fairy made-up? - Uh - Golan? - Have you been lying to me? - Uh, no.
Golan, tell me the truth.
- Well, the thing is - Golan, the truth! Fine, fine, fine.
I'll come clean.
- Golan: The truth is - The truth is I snuck in here to steal the money from the Tooth fairy who is as real as this bone sticking out of my arm.
What? Really? But that's stealing.
Why would you do that, father? Because he's unemployed.
[laughs.]
I knew it.
Yup, Golan's right.
Can't hold down a job.
- Dylan, I hope you can forgive me.
- Never! Golan says forgiveness is a sign of weakness.
- Now give me my Tooth fairy money.
- Here you go, honey.
[screams.]
What's going on? Oh my god! [screams.]
Your husband was just elected President of Loser-ville.
And the Tooth fairy and I are more in love than ever.
Oh, Alexis, this must just be eating you up inside.
I don't care anymore.
Lives are being destroyed.
- Let's just go to the hospital, please.
- Come on, honey.
We can visit the waiter from the spaghetti barn.
Oh, Dylan.
Sorry your dad is such a poor provider.
Uh, he got what he deserved.
Hey, look.
The Tooth fairy forgot my tooth.
Excellent.
That means she shall return.
And when she does [claw creaks.]
we'll be ready.
Man: No! [children cry.]