Gold Digger (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Her Boy

1 Daughter.
Wife.
Mother.
These are my roles.
I chose them.
For better, for worse.
And then you came along exploded all of that.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[RAIN HITS WINDOW.]
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS.]
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Morning.
Good morning, darling.
Did you sleep okay? Oi.
How did I raise such a caveman? I hate to break it to you, Mum, but I don't think cavemen had almond milk.
What have you got planned for today? Nothing life-changing.
I used to dream of having the things I have now.
A wife, a house, a family of my own.
I suppose I thought when they were mine, I wouldn't corrupt them.
How wrong was I? [PHONE CLICKS.]
[KEYBOARD TAPPING.]
[LIFT DINGS.]
Morning, Marsha.
This is a surprise.
Your father's out in the garden.
Could you get him for me, please? I think I can manage that.
Edward? Edward! - Yeah? - It's Patrick for you.
Patrick.
I hope you know it's mum's birthday.
Well, she was my wife before she was your mother.
Thanks for enlightening me.
That's all I called to say.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, God.
- Sorry.
- [PHONE CLICKS.]
- Della Uh - Happy birthday to you! I'm in the quiet carriage.
I only rang to sing you happy birthday.
Well, and to tell you the crap news.
My flight back's been cancelled.
- I've tried everything.
- But it I even resorted to flirting with the man at the desk.
No dice.
The next flight back's not till tomorrow.
[PHONE BLEEPS.]
DOORMAN: Hello, madam.
- Good afternoon.
- Checking in for Julia Day.
Welcome back, Mrs Day.
Just me this time.
Uh are you any good with flowers? Is that a gender neutral question, Mr Day? Or are we swimming into dangerous territory? Yeah, sod off.
It's a yes-no question.
Will you, um Will you order something nice for my mother's birthday? What colours does she like? White.
Not a colour.
Leave it to me.
How much do you want to spend? However much.
I I just want it to be special.
She's She's on her own now, so - [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, wow! [FACETIME RINGTONE.]
Uh, they're a bit small, actually, darling.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
Well, what can I say? It's not every day your old ma turns 60.
Oh, less of the old.
How are you? Oh, you know, horribly busy.
Everyone's on their third consecutive late night, but don't worry, I've told them that I have to be out by eight.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
If you have to work, you have to work.
But it's it's your 60th.
It's a big one.
- Please, don't worry.
- I do worry a lot.
I I feel like a total shit, but Della and Leo are just going to have to hold the fort this one.
Mum, I I I've got to go.
I'll make it up to you.
- I swear.
- Co? [PHONE RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE.]
Hi.
I have a table booked tonight under the name of Day.
I need to cancel it.
Wonder what we're missing.
Uh A 520 BC warrior woman.
No bigger than my index finger yet you could tell everything about her.
Her strength, her capability and what she had to put up with.
Well, either you work here or that is some serious armchair buffery.
Buffery? Is that a word? - [THEY LAUGH.]
- Probably not.
So, do you? I did many, many years ago.
Not that many years, I'm sure.
So what what was it that you did here many, many years ago? I was a conservator.
And if somebody didn't know what that was? It's looking after the exhibits, recording their intricacies.
Basically doing the impossible halting the march of time.
Sounds kind of incredible.
It was.
So why why stop? Life got in the way.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I know what you - TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, the museum will be closing in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Thanks for the expertise.
You make me sound like I'm 100.
Would you like to go for a drink? Who with? What? With with me.
You can say no.
I'm not some weird stalker who's going to follow you home and strangle you for rejecting me.
Okay, I'm going to stop talking now.
Except to say my name is Benjamin.
Julia.
QUIETLY: Julia.
Well, it was very nice to meet you, Julia.
And I'm sure you Well, you may well have other plans.
Well, I did, but I Not any more.
[LOUD CHATTER.]
- Sorry it's so rammed.
- It's all right.
My son works in a pub.
My youngest.
Works is overstating it.
He takes the least shifts possible.
My husband ex husband, courtesy of my ex best friend, doesn't mind Leo drifting about.
Says it's character building, so my other two go crazy about it, of course.
That's all out there, then.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
[PHONE DIALS.]
VOICEMAIL: Hi, you've reached Julia.
Sorry I missed you.
Please [PHONE LOCKS.]
If it makes you feel any better, I was only cleaning coffee [SHE LAUGHS.]
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
What is the worst thing you've ever done? Ah I've always been terrified of getting in trouble.
Do the right thing.
It's a desperately dull mantra to live by, but live by it I do.
I think if I'm really honest with myself, I've chosen to be this way.
If I didn't, if I let myself off the leash I don't know where it would take me.
What I'd be capable of.
None of us do.
And I'm remembering why me and white wine aren't friends.
Um, what about you? - Your worst thing.
- Fine.
Fine, fine.
I, uh I said some things to my dad.
Shitty things.
Things that turned out to be last things.
Sorry, this is totally unacceptable first date chat.
Mm.
[SHE GIGGLES.]
Thank you, Benjamin.
It was really fun.
So I better go.
Oh, I'd never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.
[THEY LAUGH.]
You mean on the long and treacherous journey to the very secure lift and my locked door? Exactly.
- Hello.
- Good evening, sir.
This is very nice.
- Julia.
- [SMASHING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- [BABY WHIMPERS.]
- Sh [BABY CRIES, HE SHUSHES.]
- It's all right.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Are you serious? - I was stealthy.
I was beyond stealthy.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
I can see that.
So why'd the mothership decide not to stay? Quite unfathomably, she's decided she'd rather stay in a hotel than our perfectly nice guest bedroom.
Never mind the cost of it, she'll be on the other side of town to her grandchildren, which is just bizarre.
- Yeah, well, it is your mother.
- What's that supposed to mean? She's had a crappy year.
If she wants to treat herself, then she should, don't you think? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I'm tired is all.
- And this fucker - [BABY CRIES.]
lovely fucker hasn't given me a minute's peace all day.
Well, she's just had, and then some great oaf Some great, handsome oaf.
[BABY GURGLES.]
Give her to me.
[GRUNTS.]
Hello.
It's okay.
- Sweet - [BABY GURGLES.]
I know.
It's tough, isn't it? Yeah, I know.
[HE KISSES HER, SHE GRUMBLES.]
Yeah, good girl.
[HE HUMS.]
For the road Am I thinking what everybody's thinking? It's not much of a view.
I disagree.
I was attempting to be wry unsuccessfully, clearly.
Leave you dancing You're being ridiculous.
My hand from your hand Leave you dancing with a ghost At the risk of you laughing at me again.
There's blood Would you like to dance with me? I'm sorry.
It was a stupid idea.
No, it wasn't.
I, um I just can't remember the last time I was asked.
Everybody's thinking? I'm so glad I came, but I can't wait to leave Slip my hand from your hand Leave you dancing with a ghost Slip my hand from your hand Leave you dancing with a ghost [GLASS SMASHES.]
[MAN GRUNTS.]
[MAN BREATHES.]
[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
Hey.
[HE GROANS SOFTLY.]
Hello.
You have to go.
Why's that? I was 60 yesterday.
And you're well, I mean, I don't even know, but you're bloody young.
And Well, it's been a long time, long time now Since I've seen you smile And I'd gamble away my fright And I'll gamble away my time And in a year, a year or so [HE MOANS.]
[SHE MOANS.]
[THEY MOAN.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Julia? Shall I get some room service? Right, so until we've done the Tower of London, we can't really consider ourselves proper tourists.
I've already got the perfect excuse for work, and before you say anything, it's not a lie, it's just not a truth as such.
Sounds like a question of semantics.
No.
It's a question of intention.
And since I have no intention of doing anybody any harm, it only counts as a tiny white lie.
You are dangerously persuasive.
- So here's what I'm thinking - I have to go back to Devon.
I have something that I can't get out of.
And this something that you can't get out of, is that a long something or a short something? It's a lunch something.
So I'll meet you back at Paddington in time for dinner then, yes? I'm starting to think that you're certifiable.
[PHONE RINGS.]
DELLA: Where've you been? I was worried.
I even resorted to calling Leo to see where you were, who, of course, had no idea what day it even was.
What have you been doing all this time? I mean, how many galleries can one woman really consume? You'd be surprised.
Julia, where have you gone? I'm right here.
Don't take me for a fool.
You're thinking of that feckless son of mine.
Much use it'll do you.
"Oh, the man who commits adultery with a woman "is lacking sense.
"He would destroy himself.
" Does it? Proverbs 6: 32-34.
They should make that into a fridge magnet, Hazel.
It's very pithy.
- I - [DOOR OPENS.]
Something wrong with the bell? Hello, mother.
Nice to see you, too.
- I have visitors.
- Yeah, I, uh Julia.
She's all yours.
[SHE KISSES HER.]
Well, don't leave on my account.
Who said I was? Someone's waiting for me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
I saw your car.
You really do go above and beyond the call of duty for Hazel.
We're family.
Well, we were a family.
- How was your birthday? - I have a train to catch.
My least favourite subject at school was history.
Always felt so irrelevant.
All we have is what's to come, not what's been.
That's convenient for you.
I have to run.
But the one moment that always stood out for me was that brief period during the Cold War where everyone just got their shit together.
It didn't mean they were all best friends, everything was forgiven.
It just meant, I don't know, things could be easier.
I'm not having this conversation.
You have to at some point! [LAUGHTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Aw, thank fuck you're back.
There's literally nothing to eat in the fridge.
Light bulb's gone in my bathroom, and the kitchen sink smells like a dead badger.
Good news.
Curt's got a load of bricks for the pizza oven.
He's said he'd give me the lot for 500 quid, which I said I was good for, obviously, but I'm well short.
So you want money? Thanks, Mum.
You're the best.
Do you or do you not know where the light bulbs live? I get it.
This is about your birthday.
I've said it already, but I'll say it again.
I'm sorry that I forgot.
I just I have a lot going on at the moment, and I'll make it up to you at your fast-approaching 70th.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on, you've made your point.
Not everything is always about you, Leo.
Hi.
Hi.
I know flowers are a more traditional reunion gift, but Oh.
It's very sweet.
- Thank you.
- Ready? Yep.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
VOICEMAIL: Hi, you've reached Julia.
Sorry I missed you.
Please, leave a message, and I'll call you back.
Thanks.
[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
Patrick.
Shit.
Right response.
I'm need to You look amazing.
You really do.
But.
[LOUD MUSIC.]
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Is there somewhere we can sit? - Somewhere a bit less hectic.
- Uh, sure.
Follow me.
You're a brave man.
I wouldn't bring my mum here.
Lucky he didn't, then, isn't it? Julia.
Julia! You do not look like my mum! Look, I've held off asking this because, well, because I didn't want to know the answer, but what exactly are you doing with me? Why aren't you with someone your own age? What's wrong with you? Oh.
I see we're done with the pleasantries.
I know nothing about you.
- Nothing concrete.
- That's not true! You know lots.
I don't even know your last name.
It's a pretty bloody basic detail.
My last name is Greene.
All right? Now can can we please try and go back to having a nice evening? I don't think we can.
Fine.
Fine.
You want to know stuff? Here is stuff.
I was born in the Royal Surrey Hospital.
I'm a Virgo.
Uh, I'm an only child.
Always wanted a brother.
Somebody who could look out for me, but, in the end, who really looks out for anybody in this life? My parents, they Well, let's just say they don't really factor into the story.
And in answer to your question, I was with somebody else.
I was with someone my own age.
I even thought that I was going to marry her, but it turns out that she, well, she had a very different plan.
So I think, "Fine, fine, that's me " done.
" And then I happened to meet you.
And I forget about her.
Just for a little while, I forget.
And, yeah you're older.
Big deal.
[MOANING.]
[SHE LAUGHS.]
- Ta-dah! - Did you just tick everything? Maybe.
Aren't you sick of ordering room service? Uh, no.
You'd be happy just holed up here for another week, never leaving the room, wouldn't you? You are literally describing my dream scenario.
- It's not real life, though, is it? - Well, who needs real life? I think I do.
I think we have to face it at some point.
Okay.
So what do we do? We? - Hm? - Um We tell people? The dreaded people.
So who gets the honour of being told first? Uh Ah, I guess my kids.
All right, then.
Um They're going to love you.
Hi, Mum.
- Hey.
- Happy birthday.
Thank you.
You look, uh [SHE LAUGHS.]
How are you, darling? How's work? - Oh.
- Eimear and the girls? They send granny their love.
Thank you.
Ooh.
Did Dad get you anything? Can we not? - Not tonight.
- Just tell me he at least got you a present.
- Why would he? - Because you were married for 35 years.
- Patrick - He at least got you a card? Just tell me he at least got you a card.
I don't want a card from him.
I don't want anything from him.
I just want to have a nice evening with no mention of that fucking man.
You're a good boy.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm not that late.
Leo.
Oh, so what are we eating? We were waiting for you to order.
Well, wait no longer, my friend.
Ooh, lobster looks lush.
- It's 50 quid a kilo.
- Yeah, we're having the set menu.
It's Mum's birthday dinner.
Belated birthday dinner, so it's up to her to decide.
Do we have to order off the set menu? Have whatever you want, darling.
There's something Well, there's something I need to tell you all, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't pass it on to your father.
You're not dying, are you? No, Leo.
I'm not dying.
Sorry to disappoint.
The divorce has finally come through, and I've, uh I've met someone.
- Like a romantic someone? - Uh like a romantic someone.
Well, it's better than you dying I think.
Don't be a dick.
It's much better.
Uh, we're not ready to order.
I'll let you know Oh, no, he isn't Um, this is the someone.
Benjamin.
This is Benjamin.
What the actual fuck? He can't be much older than you.
I think Mum's having some kind of breakdown.
This is a smart place, you know.
Della, do you need to, um, freshen up? Shall we? So, um, tell me, Benjamin.
What kind of cushty work number have you got that allows you to be prowling art galleries in the afternoon? Copywriting.
You kind of set your own hours, hence the prowling.
Sounds almost too good to be true.
Very nice.
- Very cool.
- Hm.
Us lawyers don't do cool, so Well, I'm sure that there are, uh other perks.
Yes, there are.
Wolves kept firmly from the door.
Can I? You're using lip gloss now as well? As well as? What part of the world is it that you hail from? Kent.
Oh, well, Kent's a big place.
Where exactly? Tiny village, you won't know it.
Try me.
It's called Newenden.
- Family still there? - Are you not going to eat that? Oh.
Please, be my guest.
I see you've got yourself quite the tattoo there.
Leo, Julia tells me that you've moved back home with her.
Temporarily.
I'm back home temporarily.
Yeah, no, I just mean I get it.
Can't be easy for your generation to try to I wouldn't say you're far off my generation, Ben.
It's Benjamin.
Oh.
Look, why don't we just address the colossal elephant in the room? I don't know what you mean.
I understand that this is awkward for you.
I'd be the same.
She's your mum.
You're rightly protective of her.
Well, thanks for the permission.
Then you see this youngish guy, and you're thinking, "What's his game?" All I can say to try to reassure you is I'm not going to hurt her.
Good.
'Cos if you did, we'd kill you.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
WHISPERING: How are you? - Thank you.
- Oh, no, Mum.
Put it away.
Well, that's kind.
See you.
Really good to meet you all.
Oh.
Thank you.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
That is properly grim.
You'll love this.
Leo has already managed to tell dad.
It just slipped out.
I made him swear not to say anything to Mum.
She specifically asked us not to.
What can I say? I'm in shock.
I mean, she hardly soft-soaked us with either bombshell.
The divorce isn't a bombshell.
It's overdue.
How did dad take it? He thought the timing was interesting.
Oh, how depressingly typical, thinking the whole world revolves around him.
Right.
Benjamin.
- What's he after? - One word.
Well, two, I suppose.
Gold digger.
Thank you, Kanye.
Do we instantly have to be suspicious? Yes.
He's, what, 20, 30 years younger than Mum.
And? Mum has the house, the villa, the investments.
She's the proverbial golden fleece.
I'm sure she'd love to be described like that.
The man didn't even try to pick up the bill! Never mind he's decked out in designer gear, which I find hard to believe he paid for.
So what if mum wants to treat him? It's her money.
That's my inheritance you're talking about.
Well, our.
He was evasive.
Artfully so.
When you think about it, how much did he really give away about himself? It was a dinner, not an interrogation.
Could be an opportunist.
Could be far worse.
Either way, we'll obviously have to stop it.
Has it occurred to either of you that mum was happy tonight? Like actually, properly happy, like, in a way she hasn't been since our bellend of a father walked out.
How is it, then? Emily being back? What? She's back? How do you know? It's a new-fangled thing called social media.
I assumed she'd tell you herself.
There is a thing called tact, Leo.
Mm, coming from both of you.
I've got mates to see.
Not that this hasn't been lovely.
Right.
You didn't need I'm totally fine about it.
So what? She's back.
She didn't tell me.
It's no biggie.
How's everything with you anyway? Ah So much detail.
It's overwhelming.
Everything's great, if you count getting Uh, let's see.
Yep, uh, four missed calls from your wife because you're out past wait for it, ten o'clock.
Remind me never to get married.
I don't think you need reminding.
I've just realised something of epically tragic proportions.
Our 60-year-old mother is getting laid more than both of us.
[HE GROANS.]
MAN SHOUTING: Come here! Dell, do you Do you ever think about? This thing with Benjamin will burn out.
Guaranteed.
So I say let her enjoy herself.
[HE SCOFFS.]
And if it doesn't? She's our mum.
It's our job to protect her.
Uh, one of your guests.
Julia.
Julia Day.
What room is she in? I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to disclose that information, sir.
I'm her son.
I just need to speak to her.
That may well be the case, sir It is the case.
Right.
Me.
My mum.
Now, what room is she in? I'll see if Mrs Day is willing to receive further visitors.
Thank you.
[MOANING, KISSING.]
[DIAL TONE.]
Further vi further visitors? I'm her son.
He's he's He's with her.
Patrick? What's going on? I think I was just - [HE MUMBLES DRUNKENLY.]
- Come on.
I didn't know you were coming back.
- And shit-faced.
- I, uh I, um [HE SIGHS AND GRUNTS.]
- I'll get you some water.
- Thank you.
I'm not sure what I'd do without you.
I'm sure you'd cope.
I, uh [HE EXHALES LOUDLY.]
I refuse to be anything like my parents.
My mum, I love her, I really do, but she is weak.
Always has been.
My father he's not even worth the oxygen.
I'm a good man.
I have to be a good man.
Or else what am I? [SHE SIGHS.]
Thanks.
Never thought I'd be the kind of woman who checks up on her husband.
I'm going back to work.
I've e-mailed my old chambers already.
- We agreed a year.
- We agreed a lot.
I can't do this right now.
Mum's shagging someone my age.
She brought him to dinner to meet us.
Like it was a - a thing.
- What's he like? A liar.
Probably a criminal.
And you got all that from the one meeting? He is half her age.
Yeah, well, it would have been hard for her telling you all.
Oh, for her? Are you serious? Would yous prefer it if she stayed miserable, then, would you? She's a woman in her own right.
She is not just your mother.
Unless you're jealous of him.
You're really on her side? Like, really? It doesn't matter to you that I'm your husband? CRYING: That you're going to be loyal to me? Do you know who you sound like? Your father.
[HE GRUNTS IN PAIN.]
Fuck It will be okay.
All right, it won't be okay, but your mother is old enough to make her own mistakes.
We just have to be there to pick up the pieces.
Oh, that's cheered me up.
Well, lucky for you, you miserable sod, whatever happens, whichever way it cuts, you've always got us.
We just thought our own place in London might be nice.
Your glass is empty, my love which is entirely unacceptable.
Mm, keeping me pickled to get me down the aisle, - aren't you, Mr Greene? - Busted.
Patrick, would you mind grabbing us another bottle? They're just in the garage, I think.
Well, we can't be low in champagne, not with everything we have to celebrate.
Thanks, mate.
[HE SIGHS.]
[THUDDING.]
Mum, I'm sorry, but he's not a good man.
- There are so many things - I will say it one last time, Patrick.
Do not make me choose.
Uncle Leo, isn't it amazing? It's a wedding! Go and help Auntie Della.
Go on.
Go on.
Oi.
Are you really going to behave like this all day? Mate, you promised.
You said you'd stop it.
There's still time.
Marriage is forever.
When you're given the right person, it's unbreakable.
It's being able to say what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
It's the feeling that I have in my chest right now.
A feeling that I am going to burst with pride when I say the words, "Ladies and gentlemen, "please raise your glasses to my wife " this is Julia " Greene.
" Your home is incredible.
- You must be - Benjamin.
- I'm guessing you're - Ted.
I didn't realise that getting the divorce through would affect you so much.
You okay? What are you doing here? Go home, Della.
PATRICK: If he's hiding something, we'll find out and fast.
My hotel.
Come on.
Surely.
And I'm paying, I suppose? Tell mum about Benjamin.
We do this, she'll never trust us again.
I told you that I am working on it, all right? Mum can really pick 'em.