Good Girls (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Girls today can be anything.
CEO, Olympic gold medalist, even a Supreme Court Justice.
We've finally broken that glass ceiling, and, wow, sure looks good from the top.
- [SELENA GOMEZ'S "BAD LIAR" PLAYS.]
- Oh, I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm trying, I'm trying, oh, trying Hey, go brush your teeth.
Wipe her face.
Did you find your homework? And you, my little friend, you need pants.
Mom.
Can I stay home from school today? - Nobody's staying home.
- I feel sick.
- What hurts? - My spleen.
Specificity is good, but that's over the top.
Next time try tummy.
It's go time.
Let's go.
Okay, everyone's going to school.
Mommy has something important to do.
- [TELEVISION PLAYING.]
- Oh, look.
Guys, look, Daddy's on TV again.
So what are you waiting for? A pig to fly? All right, let's go.
Line up.
- Love you.
- Train's leaving.
Love you.
Love you.
Bags in the back.
Love you.
Love you.
Tuna fish.
Keep it in the fridge.
Stop, stop, stop, Mom! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
You make your dad drop you off all the way back here? I don't know.
What's the girlfriend drive? Porsche Turbo.
[IMITATES GAGGING, RETCHING.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did you need this? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Love you, Sadie.
Can I have lunch money? Come on, did those kids take it again? God, those douchebags.
It was a 20.
Well, small price to pay for the bone structure of my face.
That's very true.
Oh, baby, let's make I don't want to leave you without cash.
Excuse me, who is the adult here? Don't answer that.
So why aren't there any of these awesome women in my history book, huh? I'll tell you why.
Sister made the mistake of getting her period.
They say behind every great man there's a great woman.
Well, I say that's some bull right there.
'Cause none of these nasty women I just told you about stood behind men.
- [POPS LIPS.]
- They stood right beside them.
So we gotta get it done ourselves, ladies, am I right? You get it, girl! You.
Get.
It.
We gonna burn this patriarchy down! Whoo! [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
Ain't nobody gonna stop her? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I'm out of here.
What's going on? You got an early shift? Um.
I figured, you know, we could use the extra.
Hm, I figured the same thing 'cause I'm about to pull a double at the mall.
I can make it work.
You always do, boo.
And, oh, baby, let's make reality Actuality A reality Oh, baby, let's make reality Actuality A reality Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying I cannot believe you.
Chill, sis.
I'm like two minutes late.
[SIGHS.]
- How was Sara's thing? - Oh, she was so good.
She's so smart.
- I worry about mine.
- [LAUGHS.]
Stop it.
All right, you all ready for this? - Now or never.
- Let's do it.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
All right, everybody be cool, and nobody gets hurt.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a robbery.
- [WAX STRIP RIPPING.]
- Oh! My lord.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe we don't have to do the full Brazilian.
Oh, Brazilian would put you in the hospital.
This is just brush control.
Yeah, I probably don't get in here as much as I used to.
[MOCK SURPRISE.]
No.
My husband and I aren't having a lot of S-E-X right now.
Maybe he just can't find it.
Kids are back to school.
I'm swamped.
He's always working late.
Plus there's so much on the DVR it's really kind of hard to sched ow! - Okay! - Mrs.
Boland? Your card was declined.
- Are you sure? - I ran it twice.
I'm sure he just Forgot to pay the bill.
He's been very distracted lately.
Hey, there.
Amber here over at Boland Motors.
We've got Chevys.
We've got Fords.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
We've got Chryslers, too.
Have we got the car for you? Do you think I could make it in LA? - The right price to boot.
- Mmm, mm-hmm.
It's not like Michigan.
They have really good actresses there.
And you're gonna win one of those fancy awards.
Like a People's Choice.
I don't need all that.
I just want to be super famous.
So come on down to Boland Motors where we'll put the vroom, vroom, vroom back in your engine.
Annie Bananey.
Hey, you, uh, you got any plans later? My church is having a bring a friend night.
You know, I'm just not really much of a church person.
You're definitely a stuck up bitch.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just kidding ya.
Now, see, the old me totally would have meant that, but Born again Boomer don't judge.
This came from your register last night.
Know what it is? Hmm, this is a tough one.
It's a curling iron? We in the biz say counterfeit.
Yeah, see, I know it's counterfeit because I used the pen.
Did you us the pen? Boomer, I don't remember if I used I'm guessing you didn't because, if you had, you would have known it's counterfeit which is why we have the pen.
So unfortunately I'm gonna have to dock this - from your paycheck.
- Whoa, whoa.
Wait, Boomer, that's like a whole shift for me.
Well, maybe next time you'll take security more seriously.
Come on, what security? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Excuse me, how much longer is the wait? 'Cause we've been What I'm most concerned about right now is Stella's kidney function.
Sara.
- What? - You said Stella.
Her name's Sara.
Okay, so what about her kidneys? One is failing, the other one's right behind.
I would suggest that we put Sara on the list for a transplant as soon as possible.
Carla, you just can't throw files like this.
- But we just got ten walk-ins.
- I've been doing some reading.
Okay.
'Cause she can barely make it through the school day right now 'cause It's all willy-nilly over there.
She can barely make it through the day let alone soccer.
You might want to keep her home and get a tutor.
Are those last week's blood draws? My husband and I work all the time.
- So we can't.
- Here, Carla.
Take them all away.
And the transplant list can take months right? Separate.
Thank you.
And there's this new drug - that just got approved.
- Take everything out.
[YELLING.]
Oh, my God, can you please just listen to me for one damn minute? Shame on you.
Shame on all of you.
Eculizumab.
That's the name of the drug you're talking about.
- Yes.
- It does.
It improves renal function dramatically.
It's also ten grand a month out of pocket.
And I'm guessing that may not be an option.
Well, I'll talk to my husband.
We might be able to swing it.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay.
And she was only halfway through my wax.
So what happened? Well, now I'm very uneven.
I don't even want to know.
Dean maxed out their credit card at some lingerie store.
Do you think he's sleeping around? Don't nobody want Dean.
- It's a Christmas gift.
- In October? Maybe it's your anniversary present.
He already gave me 100 coupons to Bed Bath & Beyond.
- Ew, really? - Son of a bitch.
No, I really do love it there.
No, that old guy is stealing your tip.
He can't even walk.
Go get it.
- Shady S.
O.
B.
- Eh? - Shady.
- Mm-hmm.
At my old job we got robbed all the time so I got the sixth sense now.
- Are you serious? - I mean it's no big deal.
All the stores I work at eventually get hit.
- You could get shot.
- Ugh, one can hope.
These guys, they don't want to hurt anybody.
They just want the money so we let them have it.
Nobody's trying to be a hero.
Do they get caught? Yeah, the dumb ones do 'cause they park in the front by the security cameras.
You got to put your getaway car in the back by the loading dock.
And you never dick around with the registers.
The real money is back in the vault.
You've really worked this out.
Just keeping my options open.
How much is in the vault? 30 grand, give or take.
Damn, I could use that money.
Oh, my God, me too.
So when you want to do this? Well, I already bought three automatics and filed off the serial numbers so really, name a day.
[LAUGHS.]
You should see your face.
- It's whiter than usual.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna need you all to get on the ground get your cell phones out of your pockets, and keep your hands where I can see 'em.
All right, good.
Now, I need to you to get your manager up here.
I said you need to get a manager up here right now.
Hey! Where's y'all's boss at? [YELLING.]
I better get a manager up here right now or I will start capping people, and I'm not even joking.
- Mother - [CRASH.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Are you the manager? - Over there.
Hey.
Hey, you.
You! You, squirmy! Hey, hey, hey! Are you in charge here? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Okay, then you listen to me.
You're gonna put on your big boy panties and you're gonna tell your customers to stay calm and this will be over real soon.
Get out of there.
Everybody stay calm, okay? Now you're going to take my friend here to the cash vault.
Move it before I shoot your face off let's go! Now, now, now! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God.
Hey, Deadpool.
You wanna? Ugh.
- Seriously? - You won't call me back.
I was busy.
So here I am.
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be helping customers not chatting with my ex, so.
So, now I'm a customer.
Nancy and I are suing you for custody.
[BEEP.]
Club card? There's a hearing next month.
You should probably get yourself a lawyer.
You know if you sign up now you get 10% off your purchase.
Annie, we were 17 when we decided all this stuff.
Sadie would be happier with us now.
How do you figure, Greg? We could send her to private school, St.
Anne's.
She's an atheist who enjoys a jaunty bow tie.
I don't really think that Catholic school is a good fit.
We could get her therapy.
She doesn't need therapy.
She's figuring out who she is.
That's all great, but she's getting bullied, Annie.
Yes, by dickhead kids that need therapy.
Who's watching her now? It's after midnight.
The neighborhood girl.
She's very good.
The one who got the DUI? She lives within walking distance.
I'm buying her a new computer.
Hers has been broken for a month.
Why didn't she tell me that? Because she said she didn't want to freak you out.
Why is it so crazy? I mean it's a victimless crime.
The store is insured.
Plus, you know they make us work through lunch so it's basically tit for tat when you figure in the lost wages.
Oh, that will hold up in court.
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey, no pop before dinner, sweetie.
But she gets it.
That's because I am a grown up.
Technically.
Okay, you know, can't you just have my back on, like, one thing ever? This isn't me telling Mom and Dad that you smoked pot.
Which was incredibly lame, by the way.
This is me helping you not ruin your life.
Oh, because your life is so great.
I should want this life? - I didn't say that.
- You're like the Stepford mom - without a pulse.
- I never said that.
You're cutting chicken fingers into stars.
They're already fingers.
And, I mean, not to pile on, but look who you married.
It's 20 years and four children.
Marriage sometimes takes a little work.
Wow.
That is so romantic.
You could lose your daughter.
Has that occurred to you? Well seeing as Greg is suing me for custody and I can't afford to fight it, yes, actually, the thought has crossed my mind.
I didn't know.
Now you know.
Hey, there, Amber here over at Boland Motors.
Jeez, who'd this chick have to blow to get on TV? Around town.
So what are you waiting for? A pig to fly? So come on down to Boland Motors where we'll put the vroom, vroom, vroom back in your engine.
Is your babysitter free? Mm, they took away her license.
She's always home.
It's this charge right here.
Could you just tell me exactly what was bought? It's against policy to divulge information on previous purchases for privacy concerns.
Oh, but it's it's on her bill, so.
They she should remember what she bought.
Well, I remember that I bought it for a friend.
And she loved it so much.
She really went nuts for it.
Um But then she was in an accident.
With a driver texting.
Yeah, well it was the other driver texting.
Not my friend.
She would never do that.
But anyway, she's been in a coma ever since and her brain is like ten times the size it should be.
Um, I just thought, wouldn't it be a nice gesture - if she wakes up - Hey, when she wakes up.
Stay positive.
To have her favorite pair of undies waiting.
'Cause she was actually wearing the last pair - when she got in the accident.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, and the paramedics had to cut them off of her, you know, jaws of life style.
Darn it if I cannot remember the size that I got.
And I obviously feel stupid asking her family.
- No, can't do that.
- So could you just look it up? Okay! Just Give me one second, please.
Damn, that was a good sell.
This is so crazy.
It's obviously going to be something for you.
Here it is.
This was it.
Okay, yeah, that's probably not for you.
Okay, it's going to be okay.
We're gonna have a drink.
[SIGHS.]
We're gonna have ten drinks.
Ugh, hey, do you know the difference between a Manhattan and a sidecar? I always forget.
Something about the vermouth whispering Hey! Guess who found those caramel Bugles at Kroger? What is going on? "The Bachelorette" is on.
Hello [MOUTHING WORDS.]
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Dean is having Huh? [MOUTHING.]
Son of a bitch.
Oh, honey.
What can we do? How about a screwdriver? A sledgehammer.
What? [SHATTERING.]
You planning on stopping this? Nah.
You? Nah, I'm good.
What is it? Oh, my God.
What? Does he have another ho? [SIGHS.]
[FRIDGE DOOR OPENS.]
If you're looking for the vodka, I drank it.
What are you doing in the dark? Guess I'm used to it after 20 years.
What does that mean? It means your child bride wears very expensive underwear.
What happened to us? I was stupid.
I was stupid and Doesn't even matter.
Why do we have Three mortgages that we haven't paid? Why do our credit cards all have advances on them and we have hardly anything in our accounts? I look, I made a few bad decisions at work.
[QUIETLY.]
Oh, my God.
I tried to fix it with a couple investments and I should have been Yeah, I should have been careful.
I just I panicked.
We have four children.
I know.
Are we going to lose this house? Look, I I dropped the ball, that's all.
Are we going to lose the house? No.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe.
We might.
We could lose everything.
[SOBBING SOFTLY.]
I'm so sorry.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
We're gonna rob that store.
What? - We're gonna rob that store.
- Yes! Have you lost your mind? Bend the rules up, do what I say Watch me roll up, hit the valet Move along now, out of my way We were just kidding about the store, Beth.
Hey.
I wasn't.
- Well, I was.
- Why? You need it just as bad as we do.
We just do it once.
- And we get some money.
- Oh, dear God.
You get to help your little girl.
And you get to take care of this custody thing.
And I get to save my family.
And we're done.
We never do it again.
And we don't sit back, and let everything be taken away from us.
No one's gonna fix this.
We have to do this ourselves.
Mm! I'm gonna show you danger Follow me, I'm blazing a trail Like a wildfire going off rails All that I do, never can fail You never can fail It's good to be me, no, I can't lie No, no, you know I can't lie Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, I'm gonna show you danger - What is taking so long? - I don't know.
Hi.
How old are you? Let me guess.
Six.
Do you watch "Doc McStuffins"? Uh, yeah, we, um, used to watch it in the big house.
- Move it, you little weenie.
- I'm going as fast as I can.
Come on.
Get out of the way.
[CHRIS ISAAK'S "BABY DID A BAD BAD THING" PLAYING.]
Baby did a bad, bad thing - You stay right there! - Did a bad, bad thing Baby did a bad, bad thing Baby did a bad, bad thing I feel like crying Holy crap.
We got to go.
We got to go, we got to go, we got to go! Oh, sh Ooh, I feel like crying - Let's go! - Nope, turn around! - Let's go, let's go, come on! - Guys! - We gotta go, we gotta go! - What? - Go, go, go, go! - Go, go, go, go! Gotta go, gotta go! There, out there! They're going out the back! I feel like crying Get them.
- Get them.
Get them! - [WHEEZING.]
Beth.
Hello? Are you okay in there? - What's your name? - I robbed a grocery store.
Who's Secretary of State? I robbed a grocery store.
Who is Secretary of State? We robbed a grocery store.
We totally did.
And we actually got away with it.
[LAUGHS.]
Like some smooth criminals.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, how much did we get? Please tell me we got the 30.
Uh We got it.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, God.
We got more than the 30 grand.
How much more? - What in the hell? - How is this even possible? - Count it again.
- I counted it right.
- Count it again! - You said there would be 30.
I said 30 give or take.
I guess it was give.
Why does a grocery store even have this kind of money on hand? Because it's hella shady.
I told you this was a bad idea.
You guys are missing the point.
We just won half a million dollars.
- We didn't win anything.
- Half a mil, biatches! We didn't win it! We stole it.
And maybe the cops don't follow up on $30,000.
They damn sure follow up on half a million dollars.
- What do we do? - Nothing.
We divide it up, and we sit on it.
Until we come up with a way to get rid of it quietly.
Without looking like, you know - Criminals.
- Yeah.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Okay! [BEASTIE BOYS' "HEY LADIES" PLAYING.]
There never was a city kid truer and bluer There's more to me than you'll ever know And I've got more hits than Sadaharu Oh Tom Thumb, Tom Cushman, or Tomfoolery Date women on TV with the help of Chuck Woolery Hey.
What is this? Turbo S you know, it's similar to the model that douche-face Nancy has but more features, more cylinders.
You know, more cooler.
Hey, hey, hey ladies, hey! Why don't you check under your seat.
Who are you? Oprah? [AS OPRAH.]
You get a laptop, and you get a laptop, and you get a laptop! I don't get it.
Uh, how to have fun? Yes, I can see that.
No, how you have money for all of this.
Would you just let me worry about that? - But - Who is the adult here? - Mom - Who is the adult? Who's the adult? [SIGHS.]
Come on, let's go tailgate some old people.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Hey, Mrs.
Boland.
- Nice weather we're having.
- Good afternoon, Mrs.
Boland.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Oh, Mrs.
Boland, hi.
What are you doing here? I'm here to clean up a mess, Amber.
- What mess? - You.
Sit.
Don't worry.
I mostly blame him.
He should know better.
You're obviously stupid.
Oh, it's not a knock.
We all have our strengths and weakness.
You're a beautiful dummy.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
So Here's what's going to happen.
You're going to quit your job and my husband.
Effective immediately.
Trust me.
They're both a dead end.
This is five grand.
Enough for a plane ticket and a little to get you started in LA.
I do want to warn you about something though.
- What's that? - Those folks out there, they take one look at a person like you, the pretty, the dumb, the self-hating, and they figure perfect for porn.
Mrs.
Boland.
Why are you doing this? Because we both deserve more than a liar in a pig suit.
Me more than you, but still.
That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Wow.
Really? Wow.
Uh, Boland.
The ladies, the ladies [ENGINE REVVING.]
Girls with curls and big long locks And beatnik chicks [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! [CRASH.]
Whoo! Oh, no.
[LAUGHS.]
[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Doctor, I know you're busy, and I won't waste your time.
But I've been doing a lot of research here on different drugs and things.
Just, um, it has like this crazy ass name.
Um, but I know it's all out of pocket Um.
You're touching me.
Why are you touching me? Because you've been here for ten minutes, and you've barely taken a breath.
The new med's a great option.
Definitely worth trying before we go down the transplant road.
I've got some samples.
We'll start her on it, and see how she does.
In the meantime, let's do a CT, creatinine clearance, and an ultrasound.
Cover all bases.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Mom.
Can we get some water in here please? - Yes, of course.
- Oh, is cucumber infused okay? [CRYING.]
Oh, my God, yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I get lemon too? [WHISTLES.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Annie Bananey.
You forgot your paycheck.
A lot of money in here.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
How'd you have the balls to do it? What, you and the girls get all coked up or something beforehand? - What? - I saw your ass tat.
I don't know what you're talking about.
How many chicks have a tramp stamp that says "All You Need Is Love"? It's a very popular song.
Okay.
Well, then, guess you won't mind if I go to the cops then, right? I mean, if it wasn't you I'm sure you got some explanation for how you bought all this on minimum wage.
I didn't say nothing.
Cops came around, but I didn't tell 'em.
What do you want? You want money? - It's not like that.
- What's it like then? I got your back, okay? I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
Thanks.
I mean, I'm really gonna try.
I am.
I hope I can.
I don't know.
I just get so lonely, and well [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry to be crass here, but, uh Horny.
Too.
I just want to shoot my mouth off.
Talk and talk until I'm Satisfied.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Can we just get it over with, okay? All right, hey, hey.
I'm not some wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
You know? I need a little romance.
Mom.
Hi, honey.
I thought you were asleep.
And here it is! Found it.
He lost some change in the couch so I was just helping him find it.
- Thanks, thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
Oh, Sadie, honey, this is my, uh, Boomer.
I work with him at work.
- Hi.
- You know, so, but he has to go now.
- Because he was he has to - Uh Use quarters on the vending machines, I was gonna and maybe fill a meter or two, you know, surprise someone.
- Hey, that's nice.
- Yeah, pay it forward.
- Or whatever.
- [WHISPERS.]
Just go.
You know, uh Since I have all this bus fare now, I'll probably be back real soon.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Morning.
I'm gonna need the PINs and passcodes to the accounts.
Mortgage, bank, credit cards.
Uh It's "2fast2furious.
" It's the number two.
You know, like the movie.
I know it's a movie.
That's for all of them? Yeah.
I handled the mortgage.
[STAMMERS.]
But how'd you do that? I handled it because you couldn't.
And this thing that we do Where you bring home the bacon, and I don't ask any questions, that's that's over.
Does that mean we get to stay in the house? It means I get to stay in the house with the kids.
You get to go to a motel.
Your clothes are in the car.
Still no leads on last week's armed robbery of Fine and Frugal.
- A rep from the local police - You don't think it's weird? What? Our GoFundMe page has been up for years.
Some anonymous donor rolls in now with all that cash? It's a miracle.
Why question it? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
See this? I do.
- Yeah, yeah? - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
- Our girl's coming back.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, oh oh okay, bruiser.
All right, ease up now.
You got him.
- Ugh! - Look at you.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
Hey, buddy, what's wrong? You need to go potty? Need to pee-pee? - Nah, he's good.
- [SCREAMS.]
We already took him out.
- What do you want? - Oh, relax, sweetheart.
I just need you to call your lady friends over so we can all have A little talk.
About what? Oh, about the money you stole from us.
Yo, this backsplash is dope.
What's that made out of, marble? Yo, you ever get any problems with staining back here? Like if you cookin' a big pot of spaghetti sauce or something like that? No, I don't think so.
No? Hmm.
We didn't know you owned the store.
[CHUCKLES.]
I look like some kind of grocery store manager to you? What, like Rotary Club or somethin'? Nah, let's just say that we got certain "arrangements" with some local businesses.
I mean, we help each other out and what not, you know? Like money laundering for drugs? [WHISPERS.]
Told you it was shady.
Why don't you stop worrying about my business dealings and start figuring how you gonna pay me my money back.
We can get it back.
That'd be great.
Most of it.
- Sorry, what? - Some of it for sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Oh, what, like you guys didn't spend a dime? - How much, Annie? - I don't know.
I don't know, I probably spent like like 100.
- Grand.
- What? I'm gonna shoot you myself.
Nah, you just gonna pay me back is all.
And right quick too.
With interest.
[CRYING.]
So see you real soon, yeah? You know, you really got to be careful, ladies.
I mean, with citrus on marble, like lemon and whatnot, that stuff will erode like crazy.
Why can't Daddy come home? Your Daddy and I love you so much.
And I know it's confusing.
Daddy's got to stay here while he and I work on some grown up stuff.
You can have whatever candy you want from the vending machines, okay? ALL: Yay! - Hey.
- Pick the kids up from school and bring them straight back here.
Don't go to the park or anywhere.
I can't have the kids here.
- I've got like one twin bed.
- You have to.
You just have to.
What's going on? - I can't tell you.
- Wait, stop.
Are you okay? Just take care of my babies.
Hey, who wants who wants pizza? - I do! - Yay! Me! Me! I would have picked you up down the block, but your cell was off.
Where's the Porsche? I sold it.
I had to.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
Is that a cassette deck? What? And manual roll down windows? Yas, queen.
Mm-hmm, cloth interior.
Nice.
Leather burns your ass.
How'd you get to be so awesome? I don't ride in Porsches.
[DOOR LOCK JINGLES.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
Who is it? I said, who is it? Me.
Stan! [CHUCKLING.]
What the hell are you doing? I want an alarm system, and you please fix the back gate.
- I said I would.
- Yeah, you said it.
But it just sits there wide open.
You got your bat out.
You know you could have gotten a knife out the drawer, baby.
All right, all right.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- God.
Calm down.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You scared? Your hearts beating.
Come here.
Breathe.
Breathe.
What'd I tell you? All this right here is all the security you need, baby.
- Hm.
- You don't need no Wiffle bat.
- Is that so? - Yeah, that's so.
Because your man here hold on.
Is no longer gonna be trailing teenagers at the Great Steak N' Fry.
You applied to the police academy? I did.
Yeah, I didn't tell you in case I got rejected.
Brother ain't get rejected.
Aw, Detroit's finest, baby.
Protect and serve.
Give me some.
[TAPPING.]
- Where are we at? - Short.
- By how much? - Over 60 grand.
[SIGHS.]
What about the car? I took it back.
Lost over half its value, B-T-dubs.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have bought it in the first place.
My, what a helpful contribution.
Let me just grab my time machine.
Oh, my God, we should just go to the police.
Wait.
What? We haven't done anything that bad yet.
- We don't have records.
- Uh, yes, now we do.
If we just explain to them that Explain what? That we meant well? Gee, officer, we're sorry, we didn't mean to piss off the gang.
We just wanted to rob the grocery store.
Okay, I'm just trying not to die, okay? - If you have a better plan - Actually, yes, I do.
We should take it from somewhere else.
We'll just steal it, and then we'll pay them back.
And then we'll just put the whole thing to bed.
Bitch, are you out of your mind? - Enough! - That's the best - possible plan.
- Enough! Enough.
We're gonna get that money.
We're gonna figure it out.
Because we are strong and we are resourceful.
And we've accomplished way harder than this.
I once made 300 damn cupcakes in one night, and they were both nut and gluten free.
Kid still had an allergy attack.
And you don't always have to fact check me, okay? [SIGHS.]
I'm gonna take a shower.
I smell like booze and crime.
I'll call you tomorrow.
[SHOWER WATER RUNNING.]
[FRENCH POP MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
- I, uh - Bad time? - Very.
- Hey.
Come on.
Don't be rude.
Oh, God.
Boomer, you're wasted.
You know I was just thinking about how we didn't finish - What we started.
- Boomer, it's not stop.
- Stop.
- What? Why don't we just have a little bit - of fun - Boomer, hey, hey, stop! My sister is here! Yeah? Huh, is she hot? [WATER SPLASHING.]
[SIGHS.]
I'll be fast, I promise.
[GRUNTS.]
Did you just hit me? [PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
No! Ah, stop! No! - You're hurting me! - That's how you like it, - right, tough girl? - Stop, no! Come on, you can rob a store, right? Get off of her! Whoa.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Easy.
All right, no need to get upset.
All right? No need to get upset.
Oh, do I look upset? Why would I be upset? 'Cause every man in the world thinks he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
Okay, okay, hey, we were just having a little bit of fun.
- All right? - Oh, is that was that was? 'Cause you see When a lady screams "stop" it is usually because she is not having the time of her life.
But what do I know? Now you're gonna pull up your pants, and you are gonna get the hell out of here.
[YELLS.]
Get out! Is that a toy gun? No.
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
Okay, then.
Shoot me.
Stupid bitches.
- You're going down.
- Boomer.
Boomer, please, please.
You need money, right? - We can get you money.
- Oh, no, I'm turning you in.
- Boomer, please, please.
- You know how fast they're gonna lock you up? - And take away your loser kid? - No, Boomer.
Please.
Yeah, your dumbass sister too.
The two of you are so done.
You're gonna rot in jail.
You think you're so much better than everyone.
Well, now you are finished.
- It is over! - No, please.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [THUD.]
[GROANING.]
- Ow! - Oh, my God.
God.
You've [TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh.
[GASPS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
- [BOTH SCREAM.]
- Oh, my oh, my Is he? He's not.
No.
Are you sure? [WHIMPERS.]
No.
What do we do now? Well, we're not going to the police.
CEO, Olympic gold medalist, even a Supreme Court Justice.
We've finally broken that glass ceiling, and, wow, sure looks good from the top.
- [SELENA GOMEZ'S "BAD LIAR" PLAYS.]
- Oh, I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm trying, I'm trying, oh, trying Hey, go brush your teeth.
Wipe her face.
Did you find your homework? And you, my little friend, you need pants.
Mom.
Can I stay home from school today? - Nobody's staying home.
- I feel sick.
- What hurts? - My spleen.
Specificity is good, but that's over the top.
Next time try tummy.
It's go time.
Let's go.
Okay, everyone's going to school.
Mommy has something important to do.
- [TELEVISION PLAYING.]
- Oh, look.
Guys, look, Daddy's on TV again.
So what are you waiting for? A pig to fly? All right, let's go.
Line up.
- Love you.
- Train's leaving.
Love you.
Love you.
Bags in the back.
Love you.
Love you.
Tuna fish.
Keep it in the fridge.
Stop, stop, stop, Mom! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
You make your dad drop you off all the way back here? I don't know.
What's the girlfriend drive? Porsche Turbo.
[IMITATES GAGGING, RETCHING.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did you need this? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Love you, Sadie.
Can I have lunch money? Come on, did those kids take it again? God, those douchebags.
It was a 20.
Well, small price to pay for the bone structure of my face.
That's very true.
Oh, baby, let's make I don't want to leave you without cash.
Excuse me, who is the adult here? Don't answer that.
So why aren't there any of these awesome women in my history book, huh? I'll tell you why.
Sister made the mistake of getting her period.
They say behind every great man there's a great woman.
Well, I say that's some bull right there.
'Cause none of these nasty women I just told you about stood behind men.
- [POPS LIPS.]
- They stood right beside them.
So we gotta get it done ourselves, ladies, am I right? You get it, girl! You.
Get.
It.
We gonna burn this patriarchy down! Whoo! [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
Ain't nobody gonna stop her? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I'm out of here.
What's going on? You got an early shift? Um.
I figured, you know, we could use the extra.
Hm, I figured the same thing 'cause I'm about to pull a double at the mall.
I can make it work.
You always do, boo.
And, oh, baby, let's make reality Actuality A reality Oh, baby, let's make reality Actuality A reality Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying I cannot believe you.
Chill, sis.
I'm like two minutes late.
[SIGHS.]
- How was Sara's thing? - Oh, she was so good.
She's so smart.
- I worry about mine.
- [LAUGHS.]
Stop it.
All right, you all ready for this? - Now or never.
- Let's do it.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
All right, everybody be cool, and nobody gets hurt.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a robbery.
- [WAX STRIP RIPPING.]
- Oh! My lord.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe we don't have to do the full Brazilian.
Oh, Brazilian would put you in the hospital.
This is just brush control.
Yeah, I probably don't get in here as much as I used to.
[MOCK SURPRISE.]
No.
My husband and I aren't having a lot of S-E-X right now.
Maybe he just can't find it.
Kids are back to school.
I'm swamped.
He's always working late.
Plus there's so much on the DVR it's really kind of hard to sched ow! - Okay! - Mrs.
Boland? Your card was declined.
- Are you sure? - I ran it twice.
I'm sure he just Forgot to pay the bill.
He's been very distracted lately.
Hey, there.
Amber here over at Boland Motors.
We've got Chevys.
We've got Fords.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
We've got Chryslers, too.
Have we got the car for you? Do you think I could make it in LA? - The right price to boot.
- Mmm, mm-hmm.
It's not like Michigan.
They have really good actresses there.
And you're gonna win one of those fancy awards.
Like a People's Choice.
I don't need all that.
I just want to be super famous.
So come on down to Boland Motors where we'll put the vroom, vroom, vroom back in your engine.
Annie Bananey.
Hey, you, uh, you got any plans later? My church is having a bring a friend night.
You know, I'm just not really much of a church person.
You're definitely a stuck up bitch.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just kidding ya.
Now, see, the old me totally would have meant that, but Born again Boomer don't judge.
This came from your register last night.
Know what it is? Hmm, this is a tough one.
It's a curling iron? We in the biz say counterfeit.
Yeah, see, I know it's counterfeit because I used the pen.
Did you us the pen? Boomer, I don't remember if I used I'm guessing you didn't because, if you had, you would have known it's counterfeit which is why we have the pen.
So unfortunately I'm gonna have to dock this - from your paycheck.
- Whoa, whoa.
Wait, Boomer, that's like a whole shift for me.
Well, maybe next time you'll take security more seriously.
Come on, what security? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Excuse me, how much longer is the wait? 'Cause we've been What I'm most concerned about right now is Stella's kidney function.
Sara.
- What? - You said Stella.
Her name's Sara.
Okay, so what about her kidneys? One is failing, the other one's right behind.
I would suggest that we put Sara on the list for a transplant as soon as possible.
Carla, you just can't throw files like this.
- But we just got ten walk-ins.
- I've been doing some reading.
Okay.
'Cause she can barely make it through the school day right now 'cause It's all willy-nilly over there.
She can barely make it through the day let alone soccer.
You might want to keep her home and get a tutor.
Are those last week's blood draws? My husband and I work all the time.
- So we can't.
- Here, Carla.
Take them all away.
And the transplant list can take months right? Separate.
Thank you.
And there's this new drug - that just got approved.
- Take everything out.
[YELLING.]
Oh, my God, can you please just listen to me for one damn minute? Shame on you.
Shame on all of you.
Eculizumab.
That's the name of the drug you're talking about.
- Yes.
- It does.
It improves renal function dramatically.
It's also ten grand a month out of pocket.
And I'm guessing that may not be an option.
Well, I'll talk to my husband.
We might be able to swing it.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay.
And she was only halfway through my wax.
So what happened? Well, now I'm very uneven.
I don't even want to know.
Dean maxed out their credit card at some lingerie store.
Do you think he's sleeping around? Don't nobody want Dean.
- It's a Christmas gift.
- In October? Maybe it's your anniversary present.
He already gave me 100 coupons to Bed Bath & Beyond.
- Ew, really? - Son of a bitch.
No, I really do love it there.
No, that old guy is stealing your tip.
He can't even walk.
Go get it.
- Shady S.
O.
B.
- Eh? - Shady.
- Mm-hmm.
At my old job we got robbed all the time so I got the sixth sense now.
- Are you serious? - I mean it's no big deal.
All the stores I work at eventually get hit.
- You could get shot.
- Ugh, one can hope.
These guys, they don't want to hurt anybody.
They just want the money so we let them have it.
Nobody's trying to be a hero.
Do they get caught? Yeah, the dumb ones do 'cause they park in the front by the security cameras.
You got to put your getaway car in the back by the loading dock.
And you never dick around with the registers.
The real money is back in the vault.
You've really worked this out.
Just keeping my options open.
How much is in the vault? 30 grand, give or take.
Damn, I could use that money.
Oh, my God, me too.
So when you want to do this? Well, I already bought three automatics and filed off the serial numbers so really, name a day.
[LAUGHS.]
You should see your face.
- It's whiter than usual.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna need you all to get on the ground get your cell phones out of your pockets, and keep your hands where I can see 'em.
All right, good.
Now, I need to you to get your manager up here.
I said you need to get a manager up here right now.
Hey! Where's y'all's boss at? [YELLING.]
I better get a manager up here right now or I will start capping people, and I'm not even joking.
- Mother - [CRASH.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Are you the manager? - Over there.
Hey.
Hey, you.
You! You, squirmy! Hey, hey, hey! Are you in charge here? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Okay, then you listen to me.
You're gonna put on your big boy panties and you're gonna tell your customers to stay calm and this will be over real soon.
Get out of there.
Everybody stay calm, okay? Now you're going to take my friend here to the cash vault.
Move it before I shoot your face off let's go! Now, now, now! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God.
Hey, Deadpool.
You wanna? Ugh.
- Seriously? - You won't call me back.
I was busy.
So here I am.
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be helping customers not chatting with my ex, so.
So, now I'm a customer.
Nancy and I are suing you for custody.
[BEEP.]
Club card? There's a hearing next month.
You should probably get yourself a lawyer.
You know if you sign up now you get 10% off your purchase.
Annie, we were 17 when we decided all this stuff.
Sadie would be happier with us now.
How do you figure, Greg? We could send her to private school, St.
Anne's.
She's an atheist who enjoys a jaunty bow tie.
I don't really think that Catholic school is a good fit.
We could get her therapy.
She doesn't need therapy.
She's figuring out who she is.
That's all great, but she's getting bullied, Annie.
Yes, by dickhead kids that need therapy.
Who's watching her now? It's after midnight.
The neighborhood girl.
She's very good.
The one who got the DUI? She lives within walking distance.
I'm buying her a new computer.
Hers has been broken for a month.
Why didn't she tell me that? Because she said she didn't want to freak you out.
Why is it so crazy? I mean it's a victimless crime.
The store is insured.
Plus, you know they make us work through lunch so it's basically tit for tat when you figure in the lost wages.
Oh, that will hold up in court.
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey, no pop before dinner, sweetie.
But she gets it.
That's because I am a grown up.
Technically.
Okay, you know, can't you just have my back on, like, one thing ever? This isn't me telling Mom and Dad that you smoked pot.
Which was incredibly lame, by the way.
This is me helping you not ruin your life.
Oh, because your life is so great.
I should want this life? - I didn't say that.
- You're like the Stepford mom - without a pulse.
- I never said that.
You're cutting chicken fingers into stars.
They're already fingers.
And, I mean, not to pile on, but look who you married.
It's 20 years and four children.
Marriage sometimes takes a little work.
Wow.
That is so romantic.
You could lose your daughter.
Has that occurred to you? Well seeing as Greg is suing me for custody and I can't afford to fight it, yes, actually, the thought has crossed my mind.
I didn't know.
Now you know.
Hey, there, Amber here over at Boland Motors.
Jeez, who'd this chick have to blow to get on TV? Around town.
So what are you waiting for? A pig to fly? So come on down to Boland Motors where we'll put the vroom, vroom, vroom back in your engine.
Is your babysitter free? Mm, they took away her license.
She's always home.
It's this charge right here.
Could you just tell me exactly what was bought? It's against policy to divulge information on previous purchases for privacy concerns.
Oh, but it's it's on her bill, so.
They she should remember what she bought.
Well, I remember that I bought it for a friend.
And she loved it so much.
She really went nuts for it.
Um But then she was in an accident.
With a driver texting.
Yeah, well it was the other driver texting.
Not my friend.
She would never do that.
But anyway, she's been in a coma ever since and her brain is like ten times the size it should be.
Um, I just thought, wouldn't it be a nice gesture - if she wakes up - Hey, when she wakes up.
Stay positive.
To have her favorite pair of undies waiting.
'Cause she was actually wearing the last pair - when she got in the accident.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, and the paramedics had to cut them off of her, you know, jaws of life style.
Darn it if I cannot remember the size that I got.
And I obviously feel stupid asking her family.
- No, can't do that.
- So could you just look it up? Okay! Just Give me one second, please.
Damn, that was a good sell.
This is so crazy.
It's obviously going to be something for you.
Here it is.
This was it.
Okay, yeah, that's probably not for you.
Okay, it's going to be okay.
We're gonna have a drink.
[SIGHS.]
We're gonna have ten drinks.
Ugh, hey, do you know the difference between a Manhattan and a sidecar? I always forget.
Something about the vermouth whispering Hey! Guess who found those caramel Bugles at Kroger? What is going on? "The Bachelorette" is on.
Hello [MOUTHING WORDS.]
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Dean is having Huh? [MOUTHING.]
Son of a bitch.
Oh, honey.
What can we do? How about a screwdriver? A sledgehammer.
What? [SHATTERING.]
You planning on stopping this? Nah.
You? Nah, I'm good.
What is it? Oh, my God.
What? Does he have another ho? [SIGHS.]
[FRIDGE DOOR OPENS.]
If you're looking for the vodka, I drank it.
What are you doing in the dark? Guess I'm used to it after 20 years.
What does that mean? It means your child bride wears very expensive underwear.
What happened to us? I was stupid.
I was stupid and Doesn't even matter.
Why do we have Three mortgages that we haven't paid? Why do our credit cards all have advances on them and we have hardly anything in our accounts? I look, I made a few bad decisions at work.
[QUIETLY.]
Oh, my God.
I tried to fix it with a couple investments and I should have been Yeah, I should have been careful.
I just I panicked.
We have four children.
I know.
Are we going to lose this house? Look, I I dropped the ball, that's all.
Are we going to lose the house? No.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe.
We might.
We could lose everything.
[SOBBING SOFTLY.]
I'm so sorry.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
We're gonna rob that store.
What? - We're gonna rob that store.
- Yes! Have you lost your mind? Bend the rules up, do what I say Watch me roll up, hit the valet Move along now, out of my way We were just kidding about the store, Beth.
Hey.
I wasn't.
- Well, I was.
- Why? You need it just as bad as we do.
We just do it once.
- And we get some money.
- Oh, dear God.
You get to help your little girl.
And you get to take care of this custody thing.
And I get to save my family.
And we're done.
We never do it again.
And we don't sit back, and let everything be taken away from us.
No one's gonna fix this.
We have to do this ourselves.
Mm! I'm gonna show you danger Follow me, I'm blazing a trail Like a wildfire going off rails All that I do, never can fail You never can fail It's good to be me, no, I can't lie No, no, you know I can't lie Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, you looking for some danger Ooh, I'm gonna show you danger - What is taking so long? - I don't know.
Hi.
How old are you? Let me guess.
Six.
Do you watch "Doc McStuffins"? Uh, yeah, we, um, used to watch it in the big house.
- Move it, you little weenie.
- I'm going as fast as I can.
Come on.
Get out of the way.
[CHRIS ISAAK'S "BABY DID A BAD BAD THING" PLAYING.]
Baby did a bad, bad thing - You stay right there! - Did a bad, bad thing Baby did a bad, bad thing Baby did a bad, bad thing I feel like crying Holy crap.
We got to go.
We got to go, we got to go, we got to go! Oh, sh Ooh, I feel like crying - Let's go! - Nope, turn around! - Let's go, let's go, come on! - Guys! - We gotta go, we gotta go! - What? - Go, go, go, go! - Go, go, go, go! Gotta go, gotta go! There, out there! They're going out the back! I feel like crying Get them.
- Get them.
Get them! - [WHEEZING.]
Beth.
Hello? Are you okay in there? - What's your name? - I robbed a grocery store.
Who's Secretary of State? I robbed a grocery store.
Who is Secretary of State? We robbed a grocery store.
We totally did.
And we actually got away with it.
[LAUGHS.]
Like some smooth criminals.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, how much did we get? Please tell me we got the 30.
Uh We got it.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, God.
We got more than the 30 grand.
How much more? - What in the hell? - How is this even possible? - Count it again.
- I counted it right.
- Count it again! - You said there would be 30.
I said 30 give or take.
I guess it was give.
Why does a grocery store even have this kind of money on hand? Because it's hella shady.
I told you this was a bad idea.
You guys are missing the point.
We just won half a million dollars.
- We didn't win anything.
- Half a mil, biatches! We didn't win it! We stole it.
And maybe the cops don't follow up on $30,000.
They damn sure follow up on half a million dollars.
- What do we do? - Nothing.
We divide it up, and we sit on it.
Until we come up with a way to get rid of it quietly.
Without looking like, you know - Criminals.
- Yeah.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Okay! [BEASTIE BOYS' "HEY LADIES" PLAYING.]
There never was a city kid truer and bluer There's more to me than you'll ever know And I've got more hits than Sadaharu Oh Tom Thumb, Tom Cushman, or Tomfoolery Date women on TV with the help of Chuck Woolery Hey.
What is this? Turbo S you know, it's similar to the model that douche-face Nancy has but more features, more cylinders.
You know, more cooler.
Hey, hey, hey ladies, hey! Why don't you check under your seat.
Who are you? Oprah? [AS OPRAH.]
You get a laptop, and you get a laptop, and you get a laptop! I don't get it.
Uh, how to have fun? Yes, I can see that.
No, how you have money for all of this.
Would you just let me worry about that? - But - Who is the adult here? - Mom - Who is the adult? Who's the adult? [SIGHS.]
Come on, let's go tailgate some old people.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Hey, Mrs.
Boland.
- Nice weather we're having.
- Good afternoon, Mrs.
Boland.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Oh, Mrs.
Boland, hi.
What are you doing here? I'm here to clean up a mess, Amber.
- What mess? - You.
Sit.
Don't worry.
I mostly blame him.
He should know better.
You're obviously stupid.
Oh, it's not a knock.
We all have our strengths and weakness.
You're a beautiful dummy.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
So Here's what's going to happen.
You're going to quit your job and my husband.
Effective immediately.
Trust me.
They're both a dead end.
This is five grand.
Enough for a plane ticket and a little to get you started in LA.
I do want to warn you about something though.
- What's that? - Those folks out there, they take one look at a person like you, the pretty, the dumb, the self-hating, and they figure perfect for porn.
Mrs.
Boland.
Why are you doing this? Because we both deserve more than a liar in a pig suit.
Me more than you, but still.
That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Wow.
Really? Wow.
Uh, Boland.
The ladies, the ladies [ENGINE REVVING.]
Girls with curls and big long locks And beatnik chicks [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! [CRASH.]
Whoo! Oh, no.
[LAUGHS.]
[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Doctor, I know you're busy, and I won't waste your time.
But I've been doing a lot of research here on different drugs and things.
Just, um, it has like this crazy ass name.
Um, but I know it's all out of pocket Um.
You're touching me.
Why are you touching me? Because you've been here for ten minutes, and you've barely taken a breath.
The new med's a great option.
Definitely worth trying before we go down the transplant road.
I've got some samples.
We'll start her on it, and see how she does.
In the meantime, let's do a CT, creatinine clearance, and an ultrasound.
Cover all bases.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Mom.
Can we get some water in here please? - Yes, of course.
- Oh, is cucumber infused okay? [CRYING.]
Oh, my God, yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I get lemon too? [WHISTLES.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Annie Bananey.
You forgot your paycheck.
A lot of money in here.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
How'd you have the balls to do it? What, you and the girls get all coked up or something beforehand? - What? - I saw your ass tat.
I don't know what you're talking about.
How many chicks have a tramp stamp that says "All You Need Is Love"? It's a very popular song.
Okay.
Well, then, guess you won't mind if I go to the cops then, right? I mean, if it wasn't you I'm sure you got some explanation for how you bought all this on minimum wage.
I didn't say nothing.
Cops came around, but I didn't tell 'em.
What do you want? You want money? - It's not like that.
- What's it like then? I got your back, okay? I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
Thanks.
I mean, I'm really gonna try.
I am.
I hope I can.
I don't know.
I just get so lonely, and well [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry to be crass here, but, uh Horny.
Too.
I just want to shoot my mouth off.
Talk and talk until I'm Satisfied.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Can we just get it over with, okay? All right, hey, hey.
I'm not some wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
You know? I need a little romance.
Mom.
Hi, honey.
I thought you were asleep.
And here it is! Found it.
He lost some change in the couch so I was just helping him find it.
- Thanks, thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
Oh, Sadie, honey, this is my, uh, Boomer.
I work with him at work.
- Hi.
- You know, so, but he has to go now.
- Because he was he has to - Uh Use quarters on the vending machines, I was gonna and maybe fill a meter or two, you know, surprise someone.
- Hey, that's nice.
- Yeah, pay it forward.
- Or whatever.
- [WHISPERS.]
Just go.
You know, uh Since I have all this bus fare now, I'll probably be back real soon.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Morning.
I'm gonna need the PINs and passcodes to the accounts.
Mortgage, bank, credit cards.
Uh It's "2fast2furious.
" It's the number two.
You know, like the movie.
I know it's a movie.
That's for all of them? Yeah.
I handled the mortgage.
[STAMMERS.]
But how'd you do that? I handled it because you couldn't.
And this thing that we do Where you bring home the bacon, and I don't ask any questions, that's that's over.
Does that mean we get to stay in the house? It means I get to stay in the house with the kids.
You get to go to a motel.
Your clothes are in the car.
Still no leads on last week's armed robbery of Fine and Frugal.
- A rep from the local police - You don't think it's weird? What? Our GoFundMe page has been up for years.
Some anonymous donor rolls in now with all that cash? It's a miracle.
Why question it? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
See this? I do.
- Yeah, yeah? - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
- Our girl's coming back.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, oh oh okay, bruiser.
All right, ease up now.
You got him.
- Ugh! - Look at you.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
Hey, buddy, what's wrong? You need to go potty? Need to pee-pee? - Nah, he's good.
- [SCREAMS.]
We already took him out.
- What do you want? - Oh, relax, sweetheart.
I just need you to call your lady friends over so we can all have A little talk.
About what? Oh, about the money you stole from us.
Yo, this backsplash is dope.
What's that made out of, marble? Yo, you ever get any problems with staining back here? Like if you cookin' a big pot of spaghetti sauce or something like that? No, I don't think so.
No? Hmm.
We didn't know you owned the store.
[CHUCKLES.]
I look like some kind of grocery store manager to you? What, like Rotary Club or somethin'? Nah, let's just say that we got certain "arrangements" with some local businesses.
I mean, we help each other out and what not, you know? Like money laundering for drugs? [WHISPERS.]
Told you it was shady.
Why don't you stop worrying about my business dealings and start figuring how you gonna pay me my money back.
We can get it back.
That'd be great.
Most of it.
- Sorry, what? - Some of it for sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Oh, what, like you guys didn't spend a dime? - How much, Annie? - I don't know.
I don't know, I probably spent like like 100.
- Grand.
- What? I'm gonna shoot you myself.
Nah, you just gonna pay me back is all.
And right quick too.
With interest.
[CRYING.]
So see you real soon, yeah? You know, you really got to be careful, ladies.
I mean, with citrus on marble, like lemon and whatnot, that stuff will erode like crazy.
Why can't Daddy come home? Your Daddy and I love you so much.
And I know it's confusing.
Daddy's got to stay here while he and I work on some grown up stuff.
You can have whatever candy you want from the vending machines, okay? ALL: Yay! - Hey.
- Pick the kids up from school and bring them straight back here.
Don't go to the park or anywhere.
I can't have the kids here.
- I've got like one twin bed.
- You have to.
You just have to.
What's going on? - I can't tell you.
- Wait, stop.
Are you okay? Just take care of my babies.
Hey, who wants who wants pizza? - I do! - Yay! Me! Me! I would have picked you up down the block, but your cell was off.
Where's the Porsche? I sold it.
I had to.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
Is that a cassette deck? What? And manual roll down windows? Yas, queen.
Mm-hmm, cloth interior.
Nice.
Leather burns your ass.
How'd you get to be so awesome? I don't ride in Porsches.
[DOOR LOCK JINGLES.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
Who is it? I said, who is it? Me.
Stan! [CHUCKLING.]
What the hell are you doing? I want an alarm system, and you please fix the back gate.
- I said I would.
- Yeah, you said it.
But it just sits there wide open.
You got your bat out.
You know you could have gotten a knife out the drawer, baby.
All right, all right.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- God.
Calm down.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You scared? Your hearts beating.
Come here.
Breathe.
Breathe.
What'd I tell you? All this right here is all the security you need, baby.
- Hm.
- You don't need no Wiffle bat.
- Is that so? - Yeah, that's so.
Because your man here hold on.
Is no longer gonna be trailing teenagers at the Great Steak N' Fry.
You applied to the police academy? I did.
Yeah, I didn't tell you in case I got rejected.
Brother ain't get rejected.
Aw, Detroit's finest, baby.
Protect and serve.
Give me some.
[TAPPING.]
- Where are we at? - Short.
- By how much? - Over 60 grand.
[SIGHS.]
What about the car? I took it back.
Lost over half its value, B-T-dubs.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have bought it in the first place.
My, what a helpful contribution.
Let me just grab my time machine.
Oh, my God, we should just go to the police.
Wait.
What? We haven't done anything that bad yet.
- We don't have records.
- Uh, yes, now we do.
If we just explain to them that Explain what? That we meant well? Gee, officer, we're sorry, we didn't mean to piss off the gang.
We just wanted to rob the grocery store.
Okay, I'm just trying not to die, okay? - If you have a better plan - Actually, yes, I do.
We should take it from somewhere else.
We'll just steal it, and then we'll pay them back.
And then we'll just put the whole thing to bed.
Bitch, are you out of your mind? - Enough! - That's the best - possible plan.
- Enough! Enough.
We're gonna get that money.
We're gonna figure it out.
Because we are strong and we are resourceful.
And we've accomplished way harder than this.
I once made 300 damn cupcakes in one night, and they were both nut and gluten free.
Kid still had an allergy attack.
And you don't always have to fact check me, okay? [SIGHS.]
I'm gonna take a shower.
I smell like booze and crime.
I'll call you tomorrow.
[SHOWER WATER RUNNING.]
[FRENCH POP MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
- I, uh - Bad time? - Very.
- Hey.
Come on.
Don't be rude.
Oh, God.
Boomer, you're wasted.
You know I was just thinking about how we didn't finish - What we started.
- Boomer, it's not stop.
- Stop.
- What? Why don't we just have a little bit - of fun - Boomer, hey, hey, stop! My sister is here! Yeah? Huh, is she hot? [WATER SPLASHING.]
[SIGHS.]
I'll be fast, I promise.
[GRUNTS.]
Did you just hit me? [PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
No! Ah, stop! No! - You're hurting me! - That's how you like it, - right, tough girl? - Stop, no! Come on, you can rob a store, right? Get off of her! Whoa.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Easy.
All right, no need to get upset.
All right? No need to get upset.
Oh, do I look upset? Why would I be upset? 'Cause every man in the world thinks he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
Okay, okay, hey, we were just having a little bit of fun.
- All right? - Oh, is that was that was? 'Cause you see When a lady screams "stop" it is usually because she is not having the time of her life.
But what do I know? Now you're gonna pull up your pants, and you are gonna get the hell out of here.
[YELLS.]
Get out! Is that a toy gun? No.
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
Okay, then.
Shoot me.
Stupid bitches.
- You're going down.
- Boomer.
Boomer, please, please.
You need money, right? - We can get you money.
- Oh, no, I'm turning you in.
- Boomer, please, please.
- You know how fast they're gonna lock you up? - And take away your loser kid? - No, Boomer.
Please.
Yeah, your dumbass sister too.
The two of you are so done.
You're gonna rot in jail.
You think you're so much better than everyone.
Well, now you are finished.
- It is over! - No, please.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [THUD.]
[GROANING.]
- Ow! - Oh, my God.
God.
You've [TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh.
[GASPS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
- [BOTH SCREAM.]
- Oh, my oh, my Is he? He's not.
No.
Are you sure? [WHIMPERS.]
No.
What do we do now? Well, we're not going to the police.