Good Omens (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

The Doomsday Option

1 [QUEEN'S "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND" PLAYS] - Ooh, you make me live - [DIALLING] Whenever this world - Is cruel to me - [PHONE LINE RINGS] I got you To help me forgive [OPERATOR] Please hang up and try your call again.
You make me live now honey Ooh, you make me live Are you the owner of this establishment? Do I look like I run a bookshop? I'll never be lonely You're my only one - And I love the things - Aziraphale! Aziraphale, where the Heaven are you, you idiot? I can't find you! Aziraphale, for God's For Satan's Ah! For somebody's sake, where are you?! [EXPLOSION] [GROANS] You've gone.
Somebody killed my best friend! Bastards! All of you! [ADAM] It's a bad world, but we can fix it.
And it doesn't matter that you three aren't my friends anymore.
I've got better friends than you'll ever be.
My new friends will be together soon.
They're coming here, and then we make everything better.
[THEME SONG PLAYS] [GOD] Crowley had lost Aziraphale, and the world was ending in a few hours.
He was in Hell's bad books.
Not that Hell has any other kind.
Find me somebody - To love - [THUNDER CRASHES] Find me somebody To love I shouldn't litter, should I? I mean, I probably should litter.
I'm a demon, after all.
But nobody's really keeping score anymore.
- Somebody to - [THUNDER CRASHES] Somebody to love Somebody to Find me somebody Find me somebody to love Anybody, anywhere Anybody find me Somebody to love Whoa-oh Find me, find, find [THUNDER CRASHES] [DOORBELL BUZZES] [DOOR OPENS] Mr Shadwell? Oh, what on earth happened? What would you say if I told you that this hand had just exorcised a demon clean off the surface of the earth? [THUNDER CRASHES] I'd say somebody needs to come inside and have a nice cup of tea.
But young Newt, he's still out there.
In thrall to heathen ways and lubricious occult wiles.
There could be women there.
Oh, well now you can't be in here, because Mrs Ormorod and such will be arriving any minute.
Why don't you come in here and have a nice lie down.
[THUNDER CRASHES] You're no use to young Newt in this state.
Aye.
I'll have a bit of a lie down.
[SIGHS] [EXHALES] Nobody's ever done what I've done.
Not Hopkins, not Siftings, not Dalrymple.
I'm the ultimate weapon.
I'm the doomsday option.
- [SIGHS] - [STUFFED TOY SQUEAKS] What kind of a place is this? [THUNDER CRASHES] - [WHIP SNAPPING] - [RUMBLING] [GASPING AND PANTING] You! You're late.
Yes.
Um Actually, I I I didn't mean to be here um, yet.
Still sorting things out on Earth.
[QUARTERMASTER] Aziraphale, isn't it? Principality, Angel of the Eastern Gate.
Your whole platoon is waiting for you.
Aziraphale.
Aziraphale Why is that name so familiar? Hang on.
Aziraphale.
You were issued with A flaming sword, I know.
It's not my fault.
She was having a very bad day.
You were issued with a body.
Where is it? I'm afraid I hadn't actually prepared to step into the transportation portal, you see.
And the body discorporated.
Discorporated? It was 6,000 years old.
I count them all out, and I count them all in again.
And then you turn up, late for Armageddon, no flaming sword, not even a body, you pathetic excuse for an angel! Well, I suppose I am, really.
I mean I have no intention of fighting in any war.
Don't be a coward! You get into position right now, and I won't say anything more about the body you discorporated.
We can take the sword out of your celestial wages.
I was in the middle of something important.
I demand to be returned.
Without a body? That's ridiculous.
- It is? - Obviously.
What are you going to do? You can't possess them.
Demons can.
You're not a demon.
You're an angel.
What are you ? Where are you going? How does one navigate? - Oh, well.
- [QUARTERMASTER] Get away from that thing! I'll figure it out as I go.
[AZIRAPHALE WHOOPS] What are you lot looking at?! Don't you know there's a war on?! My friends are on their way, and then there'll be a world just for us.
We'll get rid of everything stupid and start all over again.
Won't that be awesome? Say something.
You have to say something.
I'm telling you to say something! Stop it.
Stop crying.
This is fun.
We're having fun.
This is the best day of all.
You have to smile! I can make it happen! Smile! Smile! [WHIMPERS] That was I mean that was You know I've never actually That was my first time.
I'd never have known.
Well, seeing as the world's ending, can we do it again? We don't have time.
And Agnes only said we did it once.
She never.
She bloody She can't have predicted that.
"You go, boy.
May fortune be with you.
Anathema, my descendant, I trust he will be fine of feature and mighty of " - Oh, my dear Lord.
- Get dressed.
So, we find this Adam, and then we - stop him? - Mmm I'm not sure anymore.
Agnes doesn't tell us to.
Because if there's a card with instructions, I don't know which one it is.
What do you mean, "Agnes doesn't tell us to"? Don't you ever just do things for yourself? See how they turn out? No, not important things.
And we have maybe an hour or so to go until there's nothing anybody can do.
I'm not going to waste a second of it, so come on.
You can't let a 400-year-old witch tell you what to do.
I've spent my whole life trying to figure out what Agnes wanted me to do.
And she's never failed me.
Sometimes I fail her.
- Same again.
- [THUNDER CRASHES] I never asked to be a demon.
I was just minding my own business one day and then oh, lookie here, it's Lucifer and the guys.
Oh, hey, the food hadn't been that good lately.
I didn't have anything on for the rest of that afternoon.
Next thing, I'm doing a million-light-year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur.
[THUNDER CRASHES] Aziraphale? - Are you here? - Good question.
Not certain.
Never done this before.
- Can you hear me? - Of course I can hear you.
Afraid I've rather made a mess of things.
Did you go to Alpha Centauri? Nah, I changed my mind.
Stuff happened.
I lost my best friend.
I'm so sorry to hear it.
Listen, back in my bookshop there's a book I need you to get.
Oh, look, your bookshop isn't there anymore.
- Oh? - I'm really sorry.
It burned down.
[THUNDER RUMBLES] All of it? [STAMMERS] Yeah.
What what was the book? The one the young lady with the bicycle left behind.
- The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of - Agnes Nutter! - Yes, I took it! - You have it? - Look, souvenir! - Look inside.
I made notes.
It's all in there.
The boy's name, address.
Everything else.
I worked it all out.
Look, wherever you are, I'll come to you.
Where are you? I I I'm not really anywhere yet.
- I've been discorporated.
- Oh.
You need to get to Tadfield Air Base.
[CROWLEY] Why? World ending.
That's where it's all going to happen.
Quite soon now.
I'll head there too.
I just need to find a receptive body.
- Harder than you'd think.
- I'm not going to go there.
I do need a body.
Pity I can't inhabit yours.
- Ooh.
- Angel, demon - probably explode.
- Blehh So I'll meet you at Tadfield.
But we're both gonna have to get a bit of a wiggle-on.
- What? - Tadfield Air Base.
I heard that.
It was the "wiggle-on".
[THUNDER RUMBLING] [DOORBELL BUZZING] Enter all seekers after wisdom.
Only if you are prepared to part the veil and receive wisdom from those who have gone before.
We are here to receive your wisdom, Madame Tracy.
- [THUNDER CRASHES] - Oh! Very good weather for a séance.
Did you have them do it special, the weather, - with your psychicness? - No, dear.
They're waiting for us.
Our Ron and the spirits, they're waiting.
And we are looking forward to hearing what they are going to say to us, after we've made our donations.
[GOD] Aziraphale had to find a host to inhabit.
And the Four Horsemen needed to come together for their final ride.
Purpose of your visit to the U.
K.
? I ride to where the end of the world begins.
Sounds like fun.
Four cups of tea, please.
One of them black.
And a cheese sandwich.
You take a seat and I'll bring it over for you.
Four of you, are there? There will be.
I'm waiting for friends.
You're better off waiting in here.
- It's hell out there.
- [THUNDER CRASHES] No.
Not yet.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC] [THUNDER CRASHES] War.
It's been a long time.
Famine.
Feels funny, all of us getting together like this.
Funny? Hmm.
We've spent all these thousands of years waiting for the big day, and finally it comes.
[FAMINE] We'll have a thunderstorm to ride in.
Any idea how far we've got to ride? - A hundred miles.
- I would have thought it'd be farther, somehow.
It's not the travelling, it's the arriving that matters.
Any sign of him yet? [WIND HOWLING] [THUNDER CRASHING] - [HEAVY METAL MUSIC] - [VIDEO GAME BEEPING] When did you get here? I never went away.
Your tea is getting cold, Lord.
It's been a long time.
But now we ride.
Yes.
Now we ride.
[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY] - Ooh.
Pfft.
- [MRS ORMOROD] She's going under.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
She's just making herself a bridge to the other side.
- Her spirit guide will be along soon.
- [SIGHS] Are you there, my spirit guide? [LAUGHS] [IN IRISH ACCENT] Ah, begorrah 'tis me.
Little Colleen O'Leary.
Colleen died in Dublin in 1746 when she was nine years old.
- [SINGS WITH IRISH ACCENT] - But she was very psychic.
Colleen.
Hello, dear.
Is my Ron with you? - I've got so much to tell him.
- [GASPS] Ooh! [TRACY'S VOICE] Ah, Colleen wants to know if there's anyone named Mr Scroggie here? Actually, that's my name.
[MADAME TRACY] Yes.
Well, Colleen wants to know if you've ever known anyone named - John.
- No.
- Or it could be Jim.
- No.
- Tom? - No.
- Steve? - No.
- Dave? - I knew a Dave from Hemel Hempstead.
Yes! So, you see, that's what he's saying.
He's saying Hemel Hempstead.
He wants you to know that he's doing very well beyond the veil.
I saw him walking his dog the other day and he looked perfectly healthy.
People go very suddenly.
Like my mum.
Your mum can bloody well wait her turn, Julia Petley.
I've been coming here for seven years.
I do have seniority.
Now, you tell my Ron [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS] Ooh! [SCREAMS] - Is it our Ron? - No, it's something real.
[CHANTS AND YELPS] [PANTING] [SNARLS] [BLATHERING] [FARTS AND BELCHES] [AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Is that you, Ron? - Ron? Not Ron.
[CHUCKLES] Definitely not.
Well, I want to speak to Ron Ormorod.
He's rather short, balding on top.
Can you put me through, please? [MIX OF AZIRAPHALE AND TRACY'S VOICES] Ah, well, there does appear to be a spirit matching that description trying to attract our attention.
Very well.
I will hand you over, but you must be very quick.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] I am attempting to avert the Apocalypse.
- Right.
- [THUNDER CRASHES] [SPUTTERS, HOWLS] [SINGS IN MAN'S VOICE] Moonlight becomes you [GROANS] [HYPERVENTILATING] [RON'S VOICE] Hello, Brenda.
Ron? What You sound like you.
I am me, Brenda.
It's c cold here.
Right, so I went to our Krystal's wedding last weekend.
That's our Tracy's eldest.
And they start serving Korean food.
Well, I can take a joke as well as the next woman.
- Brenda! - I'm getting to the good bit.
So, I hold up the kimchi and I say, "What you expect me to do with this, then?" - [RUMBLING, TEA CUP RATTLES] - Whereupon, without even the grace to look ashamed - Brenda! - Yes, Ron? Y y you never g gave me a chance to get a word in edgeways when we were married.
And now I'm dead.
Oh! There's only one thing I want to tell you.
You've never spoken to me like this before.
Ron, remember your heart condition.
I don't have a heart anymore! [LAUGHS] - And Brenda? - Yes, Ron? [GIGGLES] Shut up! [SHRIEKS] [LOUD RUMBLING] [HIGH-PITCHED HOWLING] [SCREAMING] [SILENCE] [AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Wasn't that touching? [CLEARS THROAT] Right, well, uh, lovely to meet you all.
[TRACY'S VOICE] Out.
Show's over.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] World to save.
Can't lollygag.
Well, that's very good value.
Very entertaining.
[TRACY'S VOICE] Glad you enjoyed it.
[KETTLE WHISTLING] [THUNDER CRASHES] [QUEEN'S "ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST" PLAYS] [GOD] Crowley is currently stuck in a traffic jam as he tries to get out of London to find Adam.
[NEWSCASTER, ON RADIO] And it's official.
This is the biggest traffic jam in England's history.
Why? [SATAN] What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[GOD] The traffic jam is being caused by problems on the M25, the freeway that circles London.
Crowley had a lot to do with the design of the M25 back in the 1970s.
[CROWLEY] So, thanks to three computer hacks, selected bribery, and me moving some markers across a field one night, the M25 London orbital motorway, which was supposed to look like this, will, when it opens in 1986, actually look like this, and represent the dread sigil Odegra in the language of the dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu.
"Odegra" means, "Hail the great beast, devourer of worlds.
" Can I hear a "wahoo"? [FAINT BOOING] How do you think We're gonna get along Once it's built, the millions of motorists who grumble their way around it are going to be like water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil that will encircle the whole of London.
Yes, Duke Hastur? What's a computer? Another one bites the dust [SNORES] - [STUFFED TOY SQUEAKS] - [LABOURED EXHALE] [MADAME TRACY] So, what exactly do you propose we do about this? [AZIRAPHALE] Given the circumstances, we're both going to have to be extremely flexible.
Get your hands off her, you - Where is he? - Who? Some southern pansy.
I heard him, making lewd suggestions.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Not just "a" southern pansy, Sergeant.
"The" southern pansy.
[GASPS] Demon! You know what this is? Four fingers, one thumb.
Now, you get out of this good woman's head before I blast you to kingdom come.
[TRACY'S VOICE] That's the trouble, Mr Shadwell.
Kingdom come.
It's going to.
Mr Aziraphale has just been explaining it.
You come and have a nice cup of tea, and listen to him.
[THUNDER CRASHES] [GOD] As Adam came into his power, the world welcomed him in ways not even Crowley had expected.
[HORNS HONKING] I can't hold it in.
Well, what if the traffic starts moving again? It's the M25.
You can't just get out and have a widdle in the middle of the road.
I can, and I will.
Hail the Great Beast.
What'd you say, Horace? Hail the Great Beast, devourer of worlds.
Hail the Great Beast, devourer of worlds.
[ALL] Hail the Great Beast, devourer of worlds.
Hail the Great Beast devourer of worlds [GOD] The M25 had become, unexpectedly, a burning magical ring of fire that surrounded London.
Nobody was getting in or out.
Crowley had made it, now Crowley was trapped inside it.
[GROWLS] Right.
The M25 is now an impassable burning ring of infernal fire, and that's my fault.
Come on, Tadfield.
Tadfield.
Tadfield.
Motorists are being advised to avoid the M25 London orbital motorway because, in the words of a Transportation Department spokesman, "It's on fire or something.
" What does that even mean? [AZIRAPHALE] I know where the Antichrist is.
I know where the Antichrist is.
I know where the Antichrist is.
[PHONE DIALLING] - Mr Biggs - [MR BIGGS] Yes? I'm calling about a car accident that was not your fault that you were involved in.
[LINE DISCONNECTS] Bugger.
[TYPING] [PHONE SPEED-DIALLING, LINE RINGING] - [WOMAN ON PHONE] Hello? - Mrs Blore? [MRS BLORE] Wha' is it? I'm calling about a car accident that you were recently involved in.
You are eligible for compensation.
[LINE DISCONNECTS] Oh, for Heaven's sake.
[PHONE SPEED-DIALLING, LINE RINGING] [RINGING] - [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] - [HASTUR] Yes? Hello, Mr Cowwley.
We're calling about an accident you had.
[HASTUR] It, eh, wasn't an accident, Lisa.
And this isn't Crowley.
Um, h how do you know my name? [HASTUR] I know lots of things, Lisa.
I should be grateful to you for setting me free, shouldn't I? I mean, I should thank you personally and meet your friends.
Uh I'm hanging up the phone now.
[HASTUR] Too late.
[SCREAMS] [GASPS AND COUGHS] [SLURPS AND BELCHES] I needed that.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Right.
So there really is an Antichrist? [AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] The Antichrist is alive and on the Earth at this moment, Sergeant.
He is bringing about Armageddon.
I'm sure you can see that the imminent destruction of the world is not something that any reasonable person would permit.
- No.
- Am I correct? - Aye.
- The Antichrist must be killed, Sergeant Shadwell.
And you are the man to do it.
Well, I don't know about that.
Um, the Witchfinder Army, we just kill witches.
I'm sure you've killed lots of those.
Well, early days.
This Antichrist of yours, how many nipples does he have? Oh uh oodles of them.
Pots of nipples.
Nipples everywhere.
Ha-ha-ha! [LAUGHS] Then I'm your man.
Now, Sergeant, what weapons do you have? Oh.
Here.
Yes, anything more substantial? Um, I've got pins and the Thunder Gun of Witchfinder Colonel Dalrymple.
- It'll fire anything.
Silver bullets.
- That's werewolves.
- Ehh Garlic? - Vampires.
Hmm.
Bricks? That should do nicely.
Ha! [CHORUS VOCALIZING INTENSELY] Come on.
There must be a way across it.
Burning roads.
You predict this, Agnes? Why isn't there an index? [LENSES SHATTER] You'll never escape London.
Nothing can.
Hastur.
How was your time in voicemail? Funny, ha-ha.
Joke all you like, Crowley.
There's nowhere to run.
Aren't you to be lining up, ready for battle around now? Hell will not forget.
Hell will not forgive.
You know where the real Antichrist is, don't you? You'll never reach him.
You're done, Crowley.
Think you're going to get across that? There's nowhere to go.
[CHUCKLES] Let's find out.
[THUNDER RUMBLES] What what why are you driving? That's what Stop this thing.
You know the thing I like best about time, is that every day it takes us further away from the 14th century.
I really didn't like the 14th century.
- You'd have loved it, then.
- Yeah.
They didn't have any cars back in the 14th century.
Lovely, clever human people inventing cars, and motorways, and windscreen wipers.
- You got to hand it to them.
- Yeah.
Aah! Stop it.
It's over.
You're doomed! You hear me, Crowley? You're doomed.
Whatever happens.
Doomed! See? This day's already got better.
- [QUEEN'S "I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR" PLAYS] - [HASTUR MOANS] When I'm holding your wheel Stop this! You'll discorporate us both! - [LAUGHS] - [HASTUR SCREAMS] - This is not funny! - Come on! If you've got to go, then go with style! [THUNDER CRASHES] I hate you! [CROWLEY LAUGHS] You are my car.
I've had you from new.
You are not going to burn.
Don't even think of it.
[GRUNTS] [YELLS] Ha-ha! [GOD] Crowley has something no other demons have, especially not Hastur: an imagination.
Right now, he's imagining that he is just fine, and that a ton of burning metal, rubber and leather is a fully functioning car.
He had started the journey in his Bentley, and he was damned if he wasn't going to finish it in the Bentley as well.
[SCREAMING] The boffins are on their way.
In the meantime, nothing is getting out of London.
- [CAR HORN HONKING] - You sure about that? ["I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR" CONTINUES] What was ? Right now, that's someone else's problem.
He was waving.
The machine of a dream [THUNDER CRASHES] Listen, I'm sorry I made you all shut up, but I'm going to make it so you can talk again, and we'll all play a game.
We're all going to meet my new friends.
You'll like them so much.
Come to me! Come to me! - [DOG BARKING] - Come on.
We can still be friends.
After all the people have gone, you can rule the world that's left.
Wensley, you can have America.
And Pepper, you get Asia and Russia.
And Brian, you can have Europe and Africa.
And Dog, you can have Australia.
So we'd rule the world.
But what about you, Adam? What? What bit are you going to have? I'll be here, same as always.
On your own? I don't want to go anywhere else.
And this is our Hogback Wood too.
We don't want to go to America or Asia.
You will do as I say.
Or what? You've already taken our mouths and frozen us here.
We can't get away.
Actually, he could kill us.
[PEPPER] Yes, you could do that.
You aren't frozen anymore.
You can go anywhere you want.
See? I don't care where you go.
- Goodbye, Adam.
- [BRIAN] Goodbye, Adam.
Actually, yes.
Goodbye, Adam.
What do you mean "goodbye"? Stop following us.
I'm not following you.
We aren't your friends anymore.
We don't like you.
I don't care.
- [DOG WHINING AND BARKING] - Dog, come back.
Dog! [VOICES WHISPERING] Let them go.
You have the world.
You have the power.
You have the glory.
Let them go.
Give me back my dog! He's not your dog.
He's his own dog.
I don't think he likes you anymore.
You're really scary, and you aren't our friend.
You aren't anybody's friend.
You're going to burn all this away.
Why? Because some adults mucked things up.
That's a reason to fix it, not destroy it.
[WHINING] Come back.
Please? [SCREAMING] [SCREAM ECHOING] [BARKS] [DEIRDRE] Come on, little one.
Hello, Adam.
[BARKING] [WHINING] I'm sorry.
I wasn't I don't think I was thinking straight.
I am now.
[BIRDS TWEETING] [PEPPER] Adam, what have you done? I don't know.
But whatever I've started, we've got to stop it.
We need our bicycles.
Meet back here in five minutes.
Where are we going? Adam.
Adam, after we get our bikes, where are we going? The end of the world.
It's not far.
- I've got it.
- Oh, yeah? If Agnes tells you what to do, and we need to do this right, then you just need to pick a card, any card.
"When the skies are crimson seen " Well, she got that bit right.
" then ye both must stand between the world of life and the world of war, where the iron bird lands no more.
" See? It could be talking about us.
"Where the iron bird lands no more.
" Iron bird.
That could be a plane.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where don't they land? There's an American Air Force base outside of town.
They don't land planes there anymore.
I met some of the guys who work there at the village pub.
But why would we go there? I mean, all they have left in there is communication technology.
Computers and stuff.
Nothing explosive at all.
Oh, my God.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Dear lady, it seems to me, we could make better time walking.
[TRACY'S VOICE] It'd be a miracle to get past 10 miles an hour.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Miracles.
Yes.
Right.
Uh, hold on extremely tightly, Sergeant Shadwell, if you'd be so kind.
- Whoa! - [SCREAMS] [AZIRAPHALE] Don't look down, Sergeant Shadwell! And off we go then! [BRAKES SKIDDING] [TURN SIGNAL BLINKING] [DOG GROWLING] [DOG BARKS] I'm afraid we're lost.
The signposts must have blown down.
We're looking for the air base.
Well, it's second on the right.
Well, it's not exactly on the right.
You go to the left, but you'll find that it winds its way around to the right eventually.
It's signposted "Porrit's Lane".
You'll come into the village, you go up past the Bull and Fiddle and you can't miss it.
Not sure I got that.
[DEATH] I did.
Let us go.
[ANATHEMA] "Behind the eagle's nest a great ash hath fallen.
" That's it.
You know, most of my family thought it was something to do with the Russian Revolution.
You know, these places have some pretty serious people with some extremely big guns guarding them.
And if we don't get shot trying to break in, then we're going to spend the last few minutes before the world ends in a little cell without any windows in it Okay.
I think you're getting yourself a little overexcited.
I'm not.
I'm getting myself quite calmly worried about being shot, and then put in a cell, and then waterboarded, and then shot again.
Don't worry, Agnes would have definitely told me if someone was going to shoot you.
This is the place.
Is this all there is? I thought it'd be more impressive somehow.
All these thousands of years waiting, just for a ride of a hundred miles.
If Armageddon is anywhere, then it is everywhere.
Let's crash through the barriers.
[DEATH] No.
We go in, we do the job, we go out.
The geography is immaterial.
[DEATH'S VOICE] Surprise inspection, officer.
I was not informated on any surprise inspection, sir.
Well, if you had, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it? Can I Can I see some kind of identification, sir? Very good, sir.
Don't tell them we're coming, officer.
We want it to be a surprise.
[TURNS ENGINE OFF] "Behind the eagle's nest, a great ash hath fallen.
" Well, she's on the money there.
- [CAR DOOR SLAMS] - Nice going, Dick Turpin.
You really do call your car "Dick Turpin".
Yes.
I bet you're hoping one day someone's going to ask you why.
Maybe.
[CLEARS THROAT] Right.
It can't be this easy.
It really can't.
There's going to be guards and security cameras.
Where are we going? There.
How do you know? Because everything in my life, everything Agnes wrote down on that book 400 years ago, everything is all leading me here.
Now.
With you.
I know.
- How are we going to stop them exactly? - Come on.
[PEPPER] It's stupid calling it a military base.
I went up there on their open day, and they didn't even have guns and things.
Just lots of radios, satellite dishes and stuff.
Yeah, it was all knobs and dials.
Stupid.
What are your new friends going to do here? Well, I suppose they could patch into the worldwide military net and issue orders to all computers to activate all automated systems and start fighting.
Actually, that would be quite difficult.
Not really.
Not if you're them.
Oi, you! Stop! I said stop! Adam Young, I thought it was you.
And the rest of you.
Do your parents know you're out? Actually, it's not like there's a law against being out.
I mean, you can't get sent to prison for "being out".
Where are you four troublemakers going this evening? And don't stick your tongue out at me, young lady, or I'll have words with your mother.
- We're going to the air base.
- If that's alright with you.
I mean, we wouldn't want to go there if it wasn't alright with you.
Adam Young, don't think I won't talk to your father! Can someone pass me the screwdriver? Who the hell are you? I am neither of Hell nor Heaven.
[POLLUTION] What's so special about this place anyway? This is a classified communications hub.
Everything comes through here.
See, they've made it so they don't even have to fight anymore.
- Machines will do it for them.
- [DEATH] Except the dying.
When it comes to some things, machines will never replace people.
[WAR] I can feel it.
Another five minutes, and the whole world will be at war.
[FAMINE] And once the war begins, the famine comes then the pollution.
[BLOWS] [ELECTRICAL BUZZING] We're in business.
[GOD] They are taking charge of the electricity, all of it.
And under their rule, it is coming to life.
They're fusing relays.
They're closing switches.
They're turning off the lights.
They are in control.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING] Let's get this show off the road.
[ALARM SOUNDING] - [RECORDED VOICE] All warheads armed.
- What the heck? Did you really just say "what the heck"? Get me STRATCOM Cyber Command.
Something's happening.
[ALARM BLARING] It has begun.
Nuclear codes delivered.
Everything is set in motion for the final countdown.
The sword is raised, ready to strike.
[CHATTERING] [SPEAKING RUSSIAN] What exactly is happening? Coded message from the Kremlin.
I think we're at war! - Who with? - Who do you think? - Ukraine? - Keep going - Uzbekistan? - Everybody! [CHATTER IN RUSSIAN CONTINUES] It's not just nuclear destruction.
It's chemical too.
And my favourite standbys are all chemical.
Say what you like, plutonium may give you grief for thousands of years, but arsenic is forever.
The war, the pollution and then the winter.
I like the winter.
So cold.
So clean.
So hungry.
[QUEEN'S "WE WILL ROCK YOU" FADES IN] We will, we will rock you Buddy, you're a young man Hard man Shouting in the street Ah, excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
I seem to have got slightly lost.
Tadfield Air Base? [GOD] There are some things it is very difficult to say.
What R.
P.
Tyler truly wants to say is: [TYLER] Your car is on fire.
[GOD] But he can't.
I mean, the man must know, mustn't he? Perhaps it's some kind of practical joke? So he says [TYLER] Might have taken the wrong turn.
Signpost blown down.
Easy mistake to make.
So, second on the right.
[GOD] When what he wants to say is Young man, your car is on fire, and you're still sitting in it, and frankly, it's in no fit condition to drive.
Right.
Got it.
Terrific.
- Young man? - Yes? Very unusual weather for the time of year.
I'm afraid I hadn't noticed.
That's probably because your stupid car is on fire! We will rock you All right [SONG CONTINUES WITH GUITAR SOLO] [SONG ENDS] [GRUNTING] You see this finger, laddie? This finger could send you to your maker.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] It really is vitally important that we speak to whoever is in charge.
[TRACY'S VOICE] He's telling the truth.
I'd know if he wasn't.
[AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Will you please stop interrupting? I am trying [TRACY'S VOICE] I just thought I'd put in a good word for [AZIRAPHALE'S VOICE] Yeah, I understand, but you must really Will you please be quiet? Both of you.
I mean, ma'am, I must respectfully ask you to [ENGINE REVVING] [QUEEN'S "BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY" PLAYS] [TYRES SKID] So you think you can stone me And spit in my eye [MUSIC STOPS] You wouldn't get that sort of performance from a modern car.
- [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley? - Hey, Aziraphale! I see you found a ride.
- Nice dress.
Suits you.
- [AZIRAPHALE] Ahh! This young man won't let us in.
Leave it to me.
Army human, my friend and I have come a long way, and Which one of you did that? [BIKE BELLS DINGING] Okay, those kids are in big trouble.
And so are you people.
Don't move! [KLAXON ALARM BLARES] All the chickens are coming home to roost.
[CLUCKING TONGUE] No more chickens.
[RECORDED VOICE] Countdown to activation initiated.
[POLLUTION] Our lord, our master.
Our friend.
He's all we've been waiting for.
When he joins us, we will be complete.
[GOD] Adam didn't know what was going to happen next, but he did know what he had to do.
So, what are these people like? Don't know.
Are they grownups? [BARKS] - What the hell are you kids doing here? - It's alright.
Listen, kid, you're on military property.
I think you all need to go to sleep now.
All you soldiers.
I'm here! [ECHOES] [CHORUS VOCALIZING INTENSELY] He is here.
Everything ends now.
Time is over.
[HAUNTING ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS] [THEME SONG PLAYS ON PIPE ORGAN]