Good Omens (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

The Arrival

[CROWLEY] Excuse me.
Yes? Was that you?
Oh, hi, yeah.
Err, look, if you don’t mind,
could you hold this,
while I crank it all up?
Um, which way up does it go?
Well, like that.
Just hold it tight. There we go.
- Alright, ready?
- For what?
There you go, lovely.
Thank you, you can put it down now.
Right. Is that it?
Oh, no. That’s just priming the engine.
This is the fun bit.
I’ve been waiting for this since, um
well, always.
Um. Hello.
- I’m Aziraphale.
- Nice meeting you.
Okay, here goes.
Let there be matter,
let there be gravity,
let there be everything from pages
11 to 3,000,602 inclusive.
- Is something meant to happen?
- Oh, right, sorry, yes, yes.
- I knew I’d missed one.
Let there be light.
[AZIRAPHALE] Oh, good lord.
Look at you, you’re gorgeous.
Oh. You made it all yourself?
Ah, well, I mean, more or less.
I wasn’t I wasn’t, um
I wasn’t the original concept designer,
but I worked very closely
with upstairs on it.
- Well it’s very pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
And I think you’ve
done an excellent job.
- So, what’s it for?
- How do you mean?
Well, what exactly does it all do?
Oh, right. Well,
what doesn’t this beauty do?
Basically, it’s a star factory.
All the dust and gas you can see,
it’s actually building
about 5,000 young
stars and protoplanets.
Most of the universe of stars
will come pre-aged, but these ones
are only starting out.
A few million years to bake, and then
boom, stars everywhere!
Oh, that’s nice.
You know, the current word from upstairs
is that we’ll be shutting
this all down again
in about 6,000 years.
But that’s nothing!
What’s the point in creating an infinite
with trillions of star systems
if you’re only gonna let it run
for a few thousand years?
The engine won’t have properly
warmed up by then.
Ah, the point. Ah, well,
you’ve heard of Earth?
Yeah, not as such.
Ah. Blue-green planet.
It’ll be over there somewhere
when they roll out that quadrant.
Now that’s where the people
that we’re currently designing
are going to be.
I’ve seen the plans.
We’re going to start out
with a breeding pair,
and then pretty soon
there’ll be oodles of them
They’ll breed like um
Well, they’ll breed like people.
The impression I get
is that the stars and your um
- Err, call it a nebula.
- Right.
Well, they exist
just so that the people
can look up into the night sky
and marvel at the illimitable vastness
of The Almighty’s creation.
But that’s idiocy!
It’s the universe,
it’s not just some fancy wallpaper!
Millions of galaxies,
trillions of stars, oodles of
everything! It’s not just
put here to twinkle!
Most of it won’t even
be visible from Earth.
Why don’t you put Earth in the middle
of the universe
so the view’s better?
It’s not our job to advise The Almighty
on the details of creation.
Well, then whose job is it? I mean,
someone has to say, "Look, boss,
this is a really,
really terrible idea."
Well, I suspect that would be considered
Well, I don’t suppose
anyone could object to me
putting a note into the suggestion box.
I don’t believe The Almighty
has actually created a suggestion box.
And furthermore,
I don’t think it’s our place
to start suggesting
that there should be a suggestion box.
Well, if I was the one running it all,
I’d like it if someone asked questions.
Fresh point of view.
You can't just create a universe,
run it
for a few thousand years, and then stop.
I like the pinky-blue bit
in the corner of the,
the nebula. Yes, it’s very um, ah!
Um, but look, word to the wise,
I’d hate to see you
getting into any trouble.
Mm, thanks for your help.
And thanks for your advice.
I wouldn’t worry though.
How much trouble can I get into
just for asking a few questions?
"Dear Mr. Fell."
"There is something about which
I need to speak with you
on a matter of some
ugrency?" Urgency.
"Yours very faithfully, Maggie."
Hello, Maggie.
I got your note.
I thought you, well,
it’s been such a rough couple of years,
between the lockdowns and the
Internet orders not coming and
[SIGHS] I can be out
of here in two weeks.
Out of here?
Don’t you like it anymore?
Oh, Mr. Fell, I love this shop!
I’ve loved it since I was a baby. But
I know how behind I am on rent.
Well then that’s entirely my fault
for not collecting the rent.
Now, I believe you said
you were getting in some
Shostakovich records for me.
I can’t pay the rent.
I’m so sorry.
I can be out of here next week.
[SOBBING] I just have to pack it all up.
Maggie, if you were out of here,
where would I get my records?
Finding the 78s is much harder
than the long players,
and frankly I wouldn’t know
where to start.
I don’t have the money.
what if I were to just
take these Shostakovich records
without paying for them?
And we’ll call it even.
I owe you thousands of pounds in rent!
Those records would
cost you eight pounds.
Eight pounds and 75 pennies.
[LAUGHS] You can’t just
forgive me eight months’ rent.
Oh, I can. I’m very good at forgiveness.
It’s one of my favorite things.
Now, you have paid your rent,
I have my music,
and I know exactly what I’ll be doing
for the next 21 minutes.
The clarinet
can make beautiful music.
You what?
The clarinet.
It can make beautiful music.
Wrong bench.
You want the Azerbaijani Sector Chief.
He’s over there.
I brought your mail.
Anything interesting?
Bills, mostly.
I don’t understand why they
won’t just deliver them to your car.
Send the bills to Hell’s finance office.
I did.
They say they can’t accept
my signature as your replacement.
Don’t give them bread, you idiot.
- Ducks shouldn’t eat bread.
- What are you meant to give them then?
- Do they know?
- The ducks?
Do they know you’re checking in with me?
I’m now Hell’s representative in London.
And Hell doesn’t care how jobs get done.
Yeah, I remember.
They just care that somebody does them.
Do you ever just think what’s the point?
How do you mean?
What’s the point of it all?
Heaven, Hell, Demons, Angels.
That it’s all
well, pointless?
- Was it always this easy?
- Easy?
I keep planning
complicated strategic strikes
to spread misery and panic
among the humans,
and just as I'm about
to put one into motion,
they come up with something themselves
which is so much worse
than anything I could have thought of.
Yeah. Always this easy.
Anything going on I should know about?
You’re still persona non grata.
Beelzebub put some
of the lesser demons on half-rations.
And something’s up.
Up where?
Up up
- Something big?
- Don’t know.
We just got a rumor that
something’s going down in the Up.
If you get wind of anything
through your contact
in the bookshop, let me know?
Nah, they don’t talk to him anymore.
If I learn anything
that you might find useful,
I’ll tell you, and in return,
you’ll tell me what I need.
Got anything for me?
Frozen peas.
That’s what you feed ducks. Frozen peas.
They love them,
and it’s good for them too.
- See anything you fancy?
- Oh. Yes. Coffee.
The usual then.
Don’t tell me, it’s in here.
- You’re a skinny latte.
- You remembered.
A lot of people in this head,
and a lot of coffees,
but I only remember the regulars.
Oh, right, yes. I’m that.
You work in the record shop, don’t you?
Dunno who buys records
in this day and age.
- Holy shit!
- What?
- Look.
Holy shit.
Hey you.
- What
- What am I doing here?
Well? What are you doing here?
I don’t know. That’s why I asked.
- You don’t know?
- No, but I would love to find out.
Oh, it would also be great
to know where here is,
and also who you are, and also who I am.
And also, why you’re naked.
Who told you I was naked?
- Who, I can see you’re naked!
- Oh! Well,
what do you know? [LAUGHS]
- Can I come in?
- No!
Alright! Just
Just get in!
- That’s not something you see every day.
- No.
Probably a new delivery service.
A stripper Deliveroo-gram.
- You just made that up.
- Yeah.
Um, I’m Maggie.
I actually run the record shop.
I know who you are.
You’re the skinny latte.
I’m Nina.
I’m not saying Hell
is complicit in this.
I’m not saying anyone is complicit.
I’m just saying
if anyone is found helping him,
we are prepared to
use extreme sanctions.
- [WOMAN, THROUGH PHONE] Extreme sanctions?
- Yes.
- Book of life.
- I'm on it.
I appreciate it. [BLOWS]
It’s called hot chocolate. You drink it.
you don’t know who you are?
Oh, yes.
I’m me.
I just don’t know who me is.
I see.
But you know me.
- You recognize me.
- Well, I err
know someone
who looks like you.
That’s probably me then.
I think that’s one of the main ways
you can tell.
But you
don’t recognize me?
No. Sorry.
why did you come to my shop?
I don’t know. I just thought I should.
You know what it’s like when you don’t
know anything at all,
and yet you're totally certain
that everything would be better
if you were just near
one particular person?
No. Certainly not.
I have no idea what that feels like.
What makes you say that?
Oh, I think it’s my brain,
but I’m not sure.
Anyway, that’s how I felt
that so long as I came here
the something terrible
might not happen to me.
The something terrible?
Whoa, this is
this is amazing. [LAUGHS]
What something terrible?
It’s doing, like, one thing here
and another thing here, and they’re both
totally different things,
but they’re both so good!
Please, tell me about
the something terrible.
What? I don't know.
I just know that it’s incredibly awful
and that that’s why I had to come here
and give you the thing.
- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- What? What?!
Now it’s doing something down here!
Oh man, this is the best one yet.
- What thing?
- Huh?
What thing do you have to give me?
I don’t seem to have anything on me.
- Do you think it’s important?
- Well, you
you just said
that it was the only way to prevent
something terrible happening.
- Really? What?
- I don't know!
Well then, I expect it will be fine.
Most things are fine in the end.
Like this one time,
I started to get cold.
Now I have this neat blanket.
Oh, and this other time,
my arms were aching ‘cause I had
to carry that box for so long.
Now they’re fine.
The box.
Junk. Junk.
Something else I
thought you should know.
Okay. Basic demon on Earth stuff.
Either call on the phone and talk,
or appear mysteriously. Don’t do both.
- Why not?
- Trust me.
A little more information has emerged
about the business in the upper floors.
Whatever’s going on concerns Gabriel.
His royal smugness is in trouble?
That’s so sad.
Is it? Why?
Sarcasm. We’ll work on it next time.
Is that all? Oh.
There’s nothing in here!
What were you bringing me?
You’re funny.
I love you.
Thank you.
You said you were bringing something.
Did I?
- Then I was.
- Gabriel, look, please.
Try to pay attention.
Why did you bring the box here?
What’s Gabriel?
You are!
At least I think you are.
Gabriel? Cool. I love it.
Although, ah, actually, no, no.
If anyone asks, you’re not Gabriel.
Oh. Okay.
Then what am I?
Well, you’re
- Jim.
- Jim? Cool. I love it.
Jim. Short for Gabriel.
No, no. Short for James.
James, cool. I love it.
James. Long for Jim, short for Gabriel.
No, just forget about Gabriel!
[LAUGHS] I’ll try.
But I find it
kind of hard to forget things.
Do you indeed? Well then,
please, tell me
what was in the box.
What box?
it’s me. Don’t say anything.
- Are you there?
- Should I say something now?
No. Meet me
over the road from the bookshop.
I’ll be in
Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death.
- Over the road.
- Two minutes.
Right, what’s the problem?
Problem? Who said there was a problem?
Tone of voice.
You have three reasons
for calling me: you’re bored,
you need to tell someone about
something clever you did before you pop,
or something’s wrong.
This was your "something’s wrong" voice.
It’s nice to tell someone
about the good things you’ve done,
now that I’m not reporting to Heaven.
Hello. Can I get you anything?
Take a big cup, put six shots
of espresso into it, nothing else.
- That sounds fun. Does it calm you down?
- Not really.
Nina, what do you sell
that calms people down?
Eccles cakes?
Some Eccles cakes, please.
How’s your naked man friend?
He’s not, he’s not my
Well, he’s certainly not naked anymore.
You’re a dark horse, Mr. Fell.
- Are you a bookseller too?
- Not even at gunpoint.
This is Crowley.
He and I
go back a long time.
something big is going on in Heaven.
Do you know anything about it?
Possibly a little.
Why don’t we go into your shop
and discuss it there?
- Because there’s a naked man there?
- Not technically.
Has this got anything to do
with why
we aren’t in your bookshop right now?
Is it something I can help you with?
Oh, Mr. Fell, about the rent.
I just want to say, you’re an angel.
Oh, nothing of the sort.
Eccles cake?
- Doing good again, angel?
- Oh, it hardly counts.
A purely selfish action.
Back again?
Just thought I’d get a final something.
End of the day.
Pity. I thought it was
my charming personality.
Actually, I brought you
something, because
Nina Simone.
And your name is Nina.
I don’t
have anything to play it on.
- Of course.
- Skinny latte?
Oh no, I’d be up all night.
Just a herbal tea.
Mint tea.
Although the chamomile looks nice.
We’re getting older.
Remember when
we used to party and stay up all night?
Now we’re all in bed by ten.
- I didn’t go to parties.
- Well, you were a teenager, weren’t you?
Yeah but not that sort of teenager.
Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought over
the LP without asking.
Been a long day.
I need to finish closing the shop.
My partner’s expecting me home.
Oh you,
you have a partner?
Who really doesn’t like it
when I’m late, so,
hard choices, mint tea or chamomile?
I wasn’t gonna say this out there,
but it sounds like
something a bit weird
is going in with your old lot.
You’ll never guess who Shax
was asking me about.
Yes, I think perhaps I will.
Oh. Go on then, guess.
Do we know a Jim?
- Hi there.
- Argh, Gabriel!
See, I told you I looked like a Gabriel.
- What’s he doing here?
- I don't know.
- What’s happened to him?
- I don't know.
- Well, ask him!
- I have! He doesn’t know either.
Ask him properly!
What are you doing
in this bookshop?!
I am dusting.
So, okay,
he’s gonna be okay.
We can just take him somewhere
and leave him there.
Take him where?
The crucial part of the plan
isn’t the taking him somewhere.
It’s not bringing him back again.
We’ll bundle him
into the Bentley, I’ll drive to
Dartmoor and dump him.
- Why Dartmoor?
- Because!
Dartmoor is a long way away
and it isn’t here!
Crowley, he’s in trouble.
Then we should get as far from him
as we can, as quickly as possible.
He said something terrible
was going to happen to him.
All the more reason for him
to be nowhere near us when it does!
- I just
- Angel,
this is the supreme archangel
of all Heaven, your former boss,
who tried very hard to cast you
into hellfire and destroy you.
He is not our friend.
I don’t think he really has any friends.
- Exactly.
- Yes, exactly.
What does your exactly mean exactly?
I feel like your exactly
and my exactly are different exactlys.
Well, he doesn’t have any friends,
so he needs us.
What I need is for him
to be nowhere near me,
and the precious,
peaceful, fragile existence
that I have carved out for myself here.
I thought we carved
it out for ourselves.
So did I!
Very well.
If you refuse to help me,
then of course
you’re at liberty to go.
To go?
Oh, right, this is how you wanna do it?
No, I would love you to help me.
I’m asking you
to help me take care of him.
But if you won’t,
you won’t.
Yeah, I won’t.
You’re on your own with this one.
Just breathe, that’s what humans do
then they count to ten
before they do anything stupid!
That’s weird.
See that bloke?
Six shots of espresso. He’s smoking.
There’s no law against it.
You can smoke in the street.
I mean, look at him. He’s smoking.
I can’t do this I’m just so angry!
[MAGGIE] I think that man
was just struck by lightning!
- No, this is not happening.
- What's wrong?
In case of a power cut,
the security system kicks in.
This door’s just auto locked.
We’re gonna be in here for a while.
I’m sure we can just call
and they’ll let us out.
- My phone’s dead.
- So is mine.
[MICHAEL] You misunderstand me, Uriel,
no doubt accidentally.
[URIEL] I think I understand you
rather well, Michael.
You’re saying that someone needs to give
the orders,
and that’s going to be you.
There is, of course,
no question
of replacing the supreme archangel.
I am the Archangel Michael,
you are the Archangel Uriel.
We aren’t in charge.
Right now, as of this moment,
Heaven does not have
a supreme archangel.
There is always a supreme archangel.
Oh yes? And who’s that?
My point
is that during Gabriel’s absence,
his duties must still be carried out.
Someone’s gotta give the orders.
And that’s you?
- It’s all of us.
- Ah.
- Led by me.
- Mm.
I am duty officer.
Your beatitudes?
[BOTH] Yes.
I think you should hear this.
- Hello.
- [SARAQAEL] And you are?
Oh, no one. I mean,
technically, Muriel,
37th order scrivener,
but, you know, no one.
Well, I
I found something. By the lift to Down,
on the floor.
A material object?
In Heaven?
That’s impossible.
Yes, I know.
That’s definitely an earthly object.
I can see that.
I think he’s gone to Earth.
Come on! In my car? Really?
- [BEELZEBUB] Hello traitor.
- Oh.
Lord Beelzebub!
I suppose you’re wondering
why I called you here.
You came to me!
Oh, come on!
I thought we had a [SPITS]
generalized understanding.
We don’t.
You’re still a traitor. I could put
a price on your head
any time I wanted to.
Is that a new face?
What, this old thing?
I’ve had it for ages.
Such a pity that Hell never really
appreciated your talents, Crowley.
It is? It is, yeah.
What if I said Hell was willing
to forget everything you did,
that we were willing to accept you back,
no questions asked
with a hefty promotion?
Doesn’t actually sound like
the sort of thing you’re likely to say.
Might be.
The Archangel Gabriel has vanished.
We know he isn’t in Heaven.
What we don’t know is where he is.
Oh, how mysterious.
We think someone
must be hiding him from us.
- Not very likely.
- If you found Gabriel
and handed him over to us,
you could name your price
I’ve got all the hosts of Hell hunting
for him, and we will find him,
but you, Crowley,
you know Earth better than anyone.
Well, I
it’s a big universe, lots of places
that an archangel on the lam
could have a wonderful time
and never be seen again.
Well, wherever he is,
you find Gabriel for me
and you can have whatever
your nasty little heart desires.
You could be a Duke of Hell.
According to what I’m hearing,
on a grapevine that
obviously doesn’t exist,
upstairs is seriously troubled
about Gabriel’s disappearance.
I’m hearing that anybody
they find involved in this affair
will be dealt with.
That isn’t actually a thing.
That’s just something we used
to joke about to frighten the cherubs.
No, it exists.
Extreme sanctions.
Anyone found involved
in Gabriel’s disappearance
will be erased from the Book of Life.
They won’t just be gone,
they will never have existed.
Well, that will teach them
a lesson, alright.
So, if you hear anything,
come to me first, yeah?
I don’t know anything about this,
but I’ll absolutely let you know.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Aziraphale, what have you done?
Someone’s coming. Hold up your sign.
Oh, come on!
Somebody could just walk right into
my shop and just take records.
They could empty the till. I could see
them from here,
I couldn’t stop them.
If I owned a record shop, I’d be more
worried about people breaking in
and leaving more records behind.
Want some wine? I’ve got a bottle
in the back for emergencies.
- This qualifies.
- I don't drink.
Why not?
I just never wanted to.
I don’t like the taste.
Well, I need a drink.
No judgement.
I have enough judgement
in my life already.
When my phone goes back on,
there’s gonna
be about 100 worried texts from Lindsay.
Must be nice,
to have someone at home
who cares where you are.
Yeah, well,
Lindsay likes it if I text when
I’m gonna be more
than ten minutes late.
It’s funny, I was sort of hoping
we’d have a chance to talk. And now
here we are,
locked in.
Here we both are.
Hey, boy, where did you go? ♪
I learned my passion
In the good old-fashioned ♪
School of loverboys ♪
Get out of the way!
There’s only room for one of us
in this lane, and it’s not you.
No, don’t even think about it.
That’s better.
Why sell records?
Nobody buys records anymore.
You see, the record shop was opened
by my great grandmother
in the 1920s.
Originally, our shop was
in a corner of Mr. Fell’s bookshop.
I think that’s why he lets me stay on.
Old time’s sake.
Because what, his grandfather
knew your great grandmother?
- Oh, someone’s coming this way! Signs!
- It's him!
The one who was struck by lightning,
the six shots of espresso.
Oh, really?
My bad.
Oh! That’s a coincidence. It went out
when he went that way, and
That's Lindsay.
I’m back.
Yes. I can see that.
You want a big, "I think I said
the wrong thing," sort of apology,
or can we take that as said?
I'd like the apology, actually.
You were right.
Not good enough.
- I want a proper apology.
- No.
- With the little dance.
- I don't do the dance.
I did the "I was wrong" dance in 1650,
- in 1793, 1941
- Fine!
You were right, you were right,
I was wrong, you were right.
Very nice.
Now, we need to
keep him here and hide him.
- From who?
- Everybody. Heaven, Hell, humanity.
We do it together. We make it
so nobody notices he’s here,
until we’ve sorted all this out.
- Together?
- Yes. We do a
little miracle
so nobody can spot him
even if they’re looking for him.
No, I mean,
especially if they’re looking for him.
I think Heaven would notice if I was
to perform even
a very minor miracle.
I don’t want Hell
taking an interest either.
Where did you come back from?
Is it big? Can I see the outside?
No, no, no, no. You need to stay here,
inside the bookshop.
We can look after you in here.
Just stay here.
Crowley, what if we each
did half a miracle?
I could hide him from
your former people,
and you could hide him from mine.
It would barely move the dials.
Yeah, that could work. Yes, okay. Okay.
- You
- Jim.
- It’s short for James, but
- Jim.
Sit in this chair.
You take his right hand,
I’ll take his left.
We need to make this the tiniest,
most insubstantial, fractional half
a miracle we have ever performed.
No traces of anything
miraculous left behind.
- No alarm bells ringing in Heaven.
- Right.
Count of three.
One, two, three,
Do you think it worked?
I don’t know. Probably.
Good news, Jim.
Nobody’s going to notice you.
You’re safe here.
For now.
While we figure out
what’s actually going on.
I think I know what’s going on.
I don’t go to the outside,
and now
- I have two friends.
- I am not your friend.
I think it took.
That was a class-A
surreptitious half a miracle.
No one will have noticed a thing.
Excuse me, Michael.
I think this one’s for you to deal with.
- What’s happening?
- You’re the duty officer.
- I know I'm the duty officer!
- It's Earth.
You better come over here.
- Have you spotted Gabriel?
- Not as such, but check it out.
- Stop that noise!
- Can you turn off the alarm, please?
I see.
We may not know where Gabriel is,
but I’ll tell you what we do know.
There’s a former angel in this,
up to his bookshop-owning neck.
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