Grace and Frankie (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

The Vitamix

1 Dr.
Bender, paging Dr.
Bender, please.
Bender, paging Dr.
Bender, please.
He's OK, Grace.
Everything went really well.
They just moved him out of recovery - and he's in his room.
- Oh, thank God.
- I've been praying for him.
- Me too.
What's happening? Is there news? Your dad made it through surgery with flying colors.
He's going to be just fine.
That's so good! - Ah Let me just - Sorry Yeah.
- Wow.
- I was still asleep.
That was special.
He looks so small in that bed.
I can almost see what he looked like when he was a boy.
When he wakes up should I tell him Frankie and I had intercourse? - No! No! - Are you crazy? OK.
That was my instinct.
Just checking.
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for Mr.
Hanson's spouse? Well, I guess that would be me.
I am the spouse.
Well, don't get too excited.
I'm from the billing department.
I love you so much.
They really are married, aren't they? They really are.
I need gluten.
My powers are weak.
Your powers are fictional.
Oh, God.
We don't look a day over 350.
I would've loved being born in the 17th century.
Of course I would have died in my 30s.
- I look like our mailman.
- Let's go.
Hey, kids, I feel my trademark energy waning, and I could really use a bowl of Grape-Nuts.
So unless one of you has some, I I'm just gonna skedaddle.
- OK.
- Bye, Frankie.
- Bye, Momma.
- Bye, Mom.
- Don't ask.
- What's wrong? Our insurance is balking at the bill, plus, I just remembered there are 80 people coming to our house in 48 hours for a wedding that's already happened.
Not to mention the caterer, the florist Yeah, what about the bagpiper? - Did he make you get the bagpiper? - Two! Identical twin, red-headed piper brothers.
Fergus and Finn.
Sol, we'll can take care of it.
Right guys? We'll just We'll call everyone and cancel everything.
- It's fine.
- Really? I hate to be helpful, but I could use the distraction while we're waiting for Dad to wake up.
Dad, don't stress.
We got it.
Take this off your worry list.
- It's time for a full-body exhale.
- Uh-oh.
- Full-body exhale.
Here we go.
- Excuse us.
Drop it! Release my Cheez-Its! Aw, man, she really does need her full 11 hours.
OK, I got to go home, check on the house, get a change of clothes.
Wait! I need to fix this insurance stuff before Robert wakes up.
And get a change of clothes.
Did I say that? OK, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to your house so you can stay here - and take care of everything else.
- I couldn't ask you to do that.
Well, you didn't.
I offered.
Text me a list of what you need and I'll bring it back for you.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Let me hold that.
- Bye, Mom.
- Oh.
Hey, guys.
Somebody should be here if Robert wakes up.
- Coyote, will-will you stay? - Of course.
I love to watch guys sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I like sleep.
I prefer it to running errands for my ex-husband.
Why are we doing this for him? Because, Frankie.
It's what one does.
It's not what I does.
I've been here for 48 fucking hours Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's? - Whoa.
- Yeah, I know stuff.
No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- Mommy, look! Free crackers! Nothing's free.
You Frankie! Whoa.
This is a lot more loot than Sol and I got for our wedding.
Mighta had something to do with the 50 other couples you were married with.
Oh, man, they got a Vitamix? I always wanted one of those.
They get everything, don't they? Maybe Sol will trip over it when he comes back.
Actually, will you help me move some of these things out of the way? Oh, whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you Lou.
Why don't you go to McDonald's and get me - Forget it.
You'll never learn it.
- Everybody a burger.
Oh! No solicitors.
No, no, I-I live across the street, and I saw an ambulance here a couple of days ago.
- Are you Gladys Kravitz? - No, I'm Lucy.
Oh, Grace! Grace! She knows me.
- Lucy.
- Hello.
Listen, what's going on? I've been very worried.
Robert had a heart attack, but he's all right.
- Ah! He's all right? - Yeah, he's fine.
Oh, well, I'm so relieved.
We're all relieved.
Thanks for stopping by, Luce.
Yeah, you're welcome.
It's just so crazy.
I mean Oh, those are from us.
Ken and I were just here for dinner with the boys and Robert looked just fine.
- You, you had dinner with them? - Well, it was their turn to host.
And let me say that Robert makes a mean mojito.
- Robert? - Well, you know, Ken and I have always wanted to get to know you, too.
But, you know, you were busy with the kids and work, and rushing out of the car to your house, and rushing from the house to the car.
So How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand? Poor Sol.
He must be worried sick.
He is so wonderful.
- Do you know Sol? - Clearly I-I know nothing.
Well, I hope that you get to meet him some day.
Sol has the soul of the Buddha, he has the heart of Mother Teresa.
And, oh, those soulful eyes! How they twinkle when you know he's You know, since you love Sol so much, maybe you could take him his underwear.
Oh, Frankie.
- Well, I suppose I could.
- No.
We're OK.
- Thank you for stopping by, Lucy.
- OK.
All right.
- Well, you know, I'm available.
- We'll give him your regard.
You give him a hug.
Oh, my God.
Let's do this and get out of here.
- What? - I don't know.
It's just different.
You want to leave? What is that coffee table doing floating out in space? And this chair? Looks like it dropped out of a wormhole from the Tang Dynasty.
Everything is just wrong.
And what's with the ottoman that looks like a yeti? - That's Sol's, right? - Yeah.
He loves that thing.
Well, it belongs by the window, or out the window, actually.
Did you know I even sewed a stupid pocket on it for his stupid reading glasses? Which he never used because they were always under a stupid couch cushion.
Sol did not put these glasses on his list because he thinks he has his extras, which he doesn't, because they are always under his favorite pillow.
Ta-da! It's like a circus trick that not many people would be interested in.
Including me.
Let's get out of here.
No, you stay down here.
I'm gonna do the upstairs stuff.
- Oh, brother.
- There's a brown sweater, Xanax, mouth guard.
God, I hope there's a case on that.
Well, the Xanax will not be upstairs because he keeps that with all his other drugs, which are with the spices in the kitchen.
Well, that makes about as much sense as a sarape on a velvet couch.
And the brown sweater is in a cedar box he keeps in the closet so that it will smell like the cabin where he first read Catcher in the Rye.
- You're kidding.
- Damn it, knowledge, leave my head! We can't get the deposits, but we can try to get some money back.
We should play up the heart attack.
Say the surgeon had to go back in because they left a Coke can inside.
- Over the top.
- Shot glass.
- Bow tie? - Is the surgeon a riverboat gambler? Look, I'll call the vendors, you guys divide the guest list.
Wouldn't it be better if you took the list since all of these people like you better than me? Exactly.
The guests will be so eager to get off the phone with you that it'll all go by more quickly.
A brutal yet fair point.
You're smarter than I give you credit for.
Though I do wonder how Princess Goody Two-Tits is gonna get one single penny from the big, bad potentially mob-affiliated vendors.
Big sister throw-down.
The same way I beat you out for Commissioner of Youth Activities by using my sweet demeanor and sugar cookies to get elected while you used intimidation and then promised to blow everyone.
- Game on.
- I didn't do it.
There wasn't enough time before voting.
Did you read my play? Did you give me a play? You didn't read it yet? Um Well, what was your play about? Oh So cute.
Oh Ee! Cold.
Oh Little baby spoons.
What are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing? - Stealing from our ex-husbands.
- Are you going to tell? - No.
Take a spoon so I know you're cool.
I'm not telling them, because you're not doing it, because it's not something one does.
Come on! They're getting all this new stuff for their wedding and we get nothing.
I thought you wanted to go home.
I do.
Don't I deserve some kind of compensation for my services? I usually get paid 300 bucks for marrying people.
Plus a tip.
- Give that to me.
- No, no.
It makes me so happy.
- I don't care.
Give it to me.
- Give it.
- Frankie, give it to me! - Give it! Is that the hospital? Sol wants his earplugs.
Which he keeps by the fishbowl so he'll be reminded to feed the fish before going to sleep.
I'll get them.
Up against the wall.
You seem to be enjoying yourself.
- Really? - I miss you already.
So the money you say we owe is for a special surgeon, our surgeon called in during my husband's surgery - who's not in our network? - That is correct.
Whom we didn't know about and never met.
That is correct.
But had we known about this surgeon, in the time it would have taken to be janked around and rejected by insurance, my husband would have died on the table! But then you wouldn't owe $35,000.
Look, my husband had a heart attack.
If he sees this bill he's going to have another, which can't happen, because he's got to get healthy because there's some stuff I need to process with him that I can't talk about but let's just say some shit is going down! What if we refuse to pay? Interesting question.
No one's ever been clever enough to try that before.
Actually, the hospital will sue you and come after your wages.
Who's next? That's right, no wedding.
Don't come.
No, you have a great day, Spencer.
And can I just say what a pleasure it has been to work with such an absolute professional.
I'm gonna give you a five star Yelp review right this second.
OK, you too.
A very respectable 40 percent refund from the florist.
New friend made.
Flies, honey.
Oh, right, your mother had the same thing.
Except with clots.
That must have been very upsetting for you, Mrs.
I just did five calls in line for coffee, how many have you done? This is the first.
She's having a lot of feelings.
Yes! The caterer is refunding everything but the deposit.
Hold it.
What about all the food they prepared? That's just gonna go to waste? Oh, no.
I completely forgot.
Oh, wait, no, I didn't.
It's all being donated to the homeless shelter that Dad and Sol support.
- Shazam! - OK.
You're a mother of four.
Have some self-respect.
- Did you get it? - Uh, what? Your play? My hot dog.
Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea.
The lady said I could have it.
- What What lady? - Ella Fitzgerald.
OK, I think I've got everything.
Did you get the rest of your stuff? Frankie? For Pete's sake.
Hey, now.
Where's the stuff from Sol's list? How should I know? I'm on strike.
I'm lying upside-down on the job.
Well, in case you haven't noticed, we are in crisis-mode now.
Oh, ple Yesterday was a crisis.
This is Sol wanting his Stim-u-dents.
You have been acting like a petulant teenager all day.
- Whatever.
- No, seriously.
You have got to let go of some of this crap.
I'm trying to.
After the wedding, I felt almost good.
And what do you do? Drag me back to this hellscape.
It's a place.
A house where people live.
That's it.
Oh, really? The minute you walked in here you started getting twitchy.
You don't want to be here any more than I do.
- It doesn't matter what I want.
- Oh, it exactly does matter.
You are so caught up in this bullshit obligation and what for? - What has it gotten you? - Do we really have to answer every existential question about our lives right now? No, no, not every one.
But how about this one: What do you want? - What? - Right now.
Right this minute.
Of course.
I-I'm not surprised.
You couldn't even come up with one wish.
Grace? Grace! A little help! Oh, shit.
Is this Finn or Fergus? Oh, I have both of you.
I've bagged two pipers.
Yes, we've hidden all of Robert's valuables from the nurses.
Well, uh, I don't think it matters how Filipino she is, Aunt Irma.
Well, I'm sure somebody stole his socks, - but that is not what killed Uncle Dave.
- Get off.
- Wait - Hi, Aunt Irma.
Bye, Aunt Irma.
And, Aunt Irma? Get that racist shit together, OK? - Watch some documentaries.
- What the hell? Sorry, there's just way too much talking.
We have over 60 people to do.
You know what, Bud, you're not capable of doing this.
I am just going to send out an email blast to the entire wedding list.
- "To Whom It May Concern.
Wedding off.
" - Oh, that's friendly.
- That's real friendly.
Let me do it.
- What? No.
You'll just do that feel-good psychobabble bullshit subterfuge.
- It's called being human.
- No, it's called being a pussy.
But just get to the facts, pussy.
- You want the facts? - Yes.
You want the facts? I'll give you the facts! How about "Dear Beloved Guest, Sol fucked Frankie, and Robert had a heart attack because he eats sausage for every meal.
That's not a gay thing.
He really eats a lot of sausage.
But everything's fucked because they got married anyway.
Wedding canceled.
Send gifts.
Fuck you!" - Happy now? - Yes.
Ho - Oh.
- No.
What the hell? - Hey.
- Hey.
Come here.
Why did you use all those drugs? Um I guess because I only really liked myself when I was on them.
Why didn't you come talk to me? I didn't know I could.
I Always.
Stop it.
The bad news is that the email did go wide.
The good news is that it was auto-corrected.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, God, what did it say? "Dear Beloved Guzzle, Vin Diesel fucked Frankie, and Robert hatha yard attack be causal bleeds Sausalito, California every day.
" Oh, my God, I am so relieved it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.
- OK.
It's OK.
- Guys, that was really scary.
- Phew.
- Woo! Whoa.
Head rush.
Oh, come on.
That thing you said about suing people got my attention.
So I chatted up a few folks, and you know what? Everybody I met owes this hospital money.
But how can that be? How is this happening? Since this isn't my area of the law, I ran my questions by a colleague in malpractice and she told me that in addition to having a very high rate of billing code error, you guys have set a record in the area for surprise charges, and litigating against patients, and I'm pretty sure that under the Affordable Care Act, Federal Regulation 7-8-9-5-4, you're not supposed to do that.
This isn't my area, but I've learned so much today I'd like to branch out.
What do you say? Maybe I move into class action and I represent these good people and we sue your hospital's ass off? I'll just get my manager.
Your constraints mean nothing to me.
My feet are like sparrows.
Fly, feet.
You fat flightless penguins.
Ah Yes.
I thought you left.
I figured you might need a ride home.
How'd you get out of that thing? I jimmied my way out with Sol's pocketknife, which he keeps with his nighttime peanut butter and cracker kit, which I would never have known about if I didn't know him so damn well.
- That's ironic.
- Oh, knowledge.
Get out of my head and don't come back.
- Be gone.
- I Hold this, will you? I gotta move this ottoman.
It is so wrong it's driving me crazy.
How anyone in God's name would want to put an That's why the coffee table is way out there.
And why they put the ottoman here.
So they can sit here.
Under this blanket with their feet up.
It's not all wrong.
It's just the house of two people who could give a fuzzy rat's ass where things are supposed to go as long as they're next to each other.
It's warm.
It wasn't like this when I lived here.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sorry that I lashed out.
Oh, it's OK.
What you said about my not having a wish, it's true.
But see, the thing is I don't have any practice because I don't actually make wishes.
- Never have.
- Come on.
Not even on your birthday? Mm.
It's too stressful.
Everybody wants cake.
Not even when you were a kid? I used to tell myself I'd do it after everybody left the party, but I never did.
And then it became easier not to make any wishes at all.
Yeah, don't ever make them, can't ever be disappointed.
You might want to get on that before, you know, you like, expire.
- How? - Well, if I had to guess, I'd say black mold or disgruntled waiter.
You So? What? A a wish? - Can I start small? - Of course.
I wish I didn't have to schlep all this stuff back to the hospital.
Well, now that's a wish we can do something about.
And I'd also like to make amends for drinking all the crème de menthe at Thanksgiving and blaming it on Brianna.
Well, she did do a lot of other things.
Yeah, but she didn't steal your cigars and re-sell them for cash, that was also me.
I burned down your tool shed, I stole the Virgin Mary from your nativity scene That's it.
I'm good with your amends.
- Hello, love! - You're awake.
- There's my husband.
- How are you feeling? - I'm great.
- Hello.
I missed you.
You had the easy job.
- I got really lucky.
- Mm.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Aw, here are my babies.
- You're back! I was Oh.
- What? Are you OK? Yeah.
It's just some boring cramps from the babies I'm gonna have.
- Babies? You're having twins? - Wait a second, you're pregnant? Why didn't you tell us? Well, Dad, I didn't want to steal your medical thunder.
Give us a hug! Oh, sweetheart.
It's Mom.
Hey, hey.
Don't say anything about the babies, OK? I'll tell her later.
- Thank you.
- Mazel tov.
Hi, honey.
- Thanks, Lucy! - Uh-huh.
- You're a pal.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.
How's your dad? - He's great.
- Good.
Listen, sweetheart, change of plan, um We're sending a friend to bring Sol's stuff and then I'm taking Frankie home.
- Oh, by way of Del Taco.
- By way of Del Taco.
Get some rest, Mom.
- We love you.
- Love you, too.
Let me see it again.
Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's? Oh, God, I've never loved you more.
I know.
I learned it from my grandson.
- You ready to go? - Wait.
One thing.
I know how to say "bullshit" in American Sign.
Because see? The bull.
Now I'm ready.
Oh, oh! My babies.
They're back.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Who's Vin Diesel?
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