Grace and Frankie (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

The Test

1 Ah, well, you are really a peach, you know that? I mean, taking me to Whole Foods and the art store.
Don't forget the transcendental foot place.
That was a necessary stop.
Wait till you try out the neuropathy socks I got you.
Danger ahead: uncontrollable urge to cha-cha-cha, pain-free, all night.
Can I get you anything? - How about your license? Oh, God, it's so good to laugh.
I-I've really missed your snappy wit.
Grace, that stare is filled with Phil.
I believe it's called rage.
If it's any consolation, I've been awful with myself in my diary.
Your bullshit diary where you write in the air? I'm just trying to help, Grace.
I'm trying to say I'm sorry.
I'm trying to cheer you up.
You know what would cheer me up? Other people cheering me up.
All I see is you anymore, in the house, in the car.
I lie down to close my eyes, and all I see is your hair.
Well, I can't help that I have memorable hair.
Well, I miss other hair on other friends who don't ask me about my feelings all the time.
I used to have friends.
We'd meet up for a fun lunch or a fun drink, and then you know what they'd do? I'm guessing something fun.
They'd get in their own cars and drive themselves away back to their own homes.
And where are these independent drivers now? We fell out of touch after the whole Robert mess.
Wait a minute.
What Robert mess? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could go out and make new friends.
But I don't know.
Who wants to start to build history right before we're history? -Didn't we do that? -We had special circumstances.
Maybe I should call some of them.
Although, I don't know.
You know, it is a little weird hanging out with a bunch of couples when you're not a couple anymore.
-Do you want me to come? -No.
Besides, it's been a year.
Janet will pick up and say, "Hello, Stranger.
" How do you come back from that? Do you want to talk about it? No! I want to do something about it.
But, but I want you to know I hear you.
And don't worry about me getting my license back.
Dear Diary: Tomorrow I buckle down and hit the books.
Heart, heart, prayer hands.
"What does this sign mean?" What the hell? Wait, that does look familiar.
Oh, that's why.
What do you mean-mean-mean? --I can't wait.
Oh, it's gonna be so much fun to see everyone again.
How about 12:30? Terrific.
I'll see you tomorrow, Janet.
How great is this? Is that a cha-cha? It's those neuropathy socks, isn't it? I was so nervous to call her, my hands were shaking when I dialed.
- Oh, it's been so long.
- Ah-ha-ha.
She couldn't have been lovelier.
Oh, that does not sound like the Janet I know.
-Frankie -She breeds Pomeranians.
She has a Pomeranian.
She's coming to lunch tomorrow with Mary and Arlene.
The whole country club crowd.
Don't start.
They were my best friends.
Besides, you don't have to be around to deal with them anyway.
Do you know this sign means? No I am not being sucked into whatever this is.
-I'm studying for my driver's test.
-Really? It looks more like a Jamaican séance.
Good band name: Jamaican Séance.
Yeah, I'll tell you a better band name: "I'm Not Driving You Around Anymore So You Really Should Take This Seriously.
" -Oh, yeah, that'll catch on.
-Well, it better.
Your long Frankie nightmare will be over tomorrow.
You're taking me to the DMV.
That's tomorrow? I have my lunch! Oh, calm down.
It's an early appointment.
You'll be back in plenty of time, man.
--Now serving number A45.
-I'd like to appeal these results.
-Excuse me? I'd like to speak to someone who understands the biased nature of standardized testing.
Or someone who will consider an essay in lieu of multiple choice.
We don't have that person.
-All right, let me take it again.
-I can't do that.
You flunked three times.
You need to wait a week to retake it.
A week? Oh, look, there's a very angry woman coming this way.
Don't pay any attention.
Just be cool and just follow my lead.
-Hey, girl.
-How'd you do? -She flunked.
-Oh, God damn it.
-I thought we had a deal.
-You flunked again? Forty? You got a 40? You're going backwards! Listen, I'm having some people over to lunch in a half an hour-- -You can go.
She's all done.
I have to come back in a week to retake it.
-What? -Let's just leave.
Um, hi.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, President Andrew Jackson? Ma'am, you know you can go to prison for trying to bribe me.
And he's dead now.
The president is dead.
I hope you're happy.
You know, this is not over between us.
Seven minutes.
I've got seven minutes.
-I can do this in seven minutes.
-OK, I'll get outta here.
You're not going anywhere yet.
Well, not like I'm going far, because I can't.
No, no, no.
You made me late.
You need to help.
Go get the crab salad out of the fridge.
-Sir, yes, sir.
-And get the serving spoon.
-The one with the fleur-de-lis.
-Oh, you mean the French swastika? Oh Does this look tasty.
-Don't mess the mound! -Oh! But, I'm starving.
I wasn't gonna put my fist in it.
Well, I was, but now I'm not.
You don't need a license to take your noodles and your peanut butter sandwich up to your studio.
Oh, shit! I gotta go.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Say "hi" and then be on your way.
And lose the dick.
Oh, look at you, Janet.
Oh Mm.
-Oh, and you brought Ann-Margret.
-Ann's dead.
This is Jackie O.
All she needs is an over-sized pair of sunglasses.
- She's got 'em.
- Oh, Arlene.
Oh, careful.
New hip.
Mary, I almost forgot what an infectious laugh you have.
I feel infected already.
Frankie's here.
We were hoping to see you.
I never want to disappoint my fans, however-- One should always leave the audience wanting more.
Oh, can't you join us for a little lunch? You know, if the Meals On Wheels people catch me eating lunch they'll stop coming by.
Well, come on, stay.
I mean, we're so curious about how you two are getting on.
And we want to hear all about your new single lives.
Oh, I don't think you do, Janet.
Sometimes it really sucks the big-- Everybody grab a seat in the dining room and I'll get us some wine.
Frankie, would you come help? No, I won't help you.
I'll be eating a sandwich up in my studio.
Why should I be your waitress? You'll be my bus-girl.
Meaning you'll ride the bus all week if you don't.
Besides, it'll look too weird.
Like you can't stand them or something.
Yeah, I'd hate for them to get the right idea.
Just put a lid on it.
Don't be too you-ish.
-Jewish? -You.
No railing against country clubs, don't reference your manifesto, and for God's sakes don't talk about the BP oil spill and what it can do to a crab salad.
Any trouble finding the place, Arlene? No.
-Did I ask you that already? -Yes.
I'm sorry.
I meant to ask Mary.
Mary? Any trouble finding the place? We carpooled.
In Janet's car.
Look, can I just say how sorry I am that I haven't been more in touch? -I feel terrible about it.
-Oh, water under the bridge.
-Oh, don't give it a second thought.
-We could've done better, too.
No, no, I get it.
It's hard in these situations.
I was a wreck.
Last year after everything that happened with Robert, I was Well, you find out your husband of 40 years is having an affair with another man? You start asking yourself some very hard questions about what makes you happy, about all the lies you tell yourself.
You should hear all the lies I tell myself about all the lies I tell myself.
Well, that's all behind you.
And everyone should look as good as you coming off the year you've had.
-Really, how do you do it? -Have you guys looked at her plate? I get a lot of help from my two Italian nutritionists Martini and Rossi.
Oh, I've missed you guys.
We've missed you.
-Hasn't been the same.
-So much.
-Who's up for more wine? -Who isn't? - Oh! Oh, that was that was unbelievable.
No, but, Mary, you're thinking about the time we were in Cancún.
-This was the trip to Puerto Vallarta.
-She always confuses our trips.
And Frankie, the hurricane wasn't even the best part of it.
The best part was on the beach the one day the sun came out.
Robert decides to order us all prickly pear margaritas - in his "perfect Spanish.
" - I remember this.
Anyway, he orders from this guy on the beach, five minutes later the guy comes back with a sock full of cocaine.
- Cocaine! That's a good band name: Sock Full of Cocaine.
How we're not all in a Mexican prison I'll never understand.
Oh, Grace, you remember when, uh, Sonny tried to roll Robert down the lane? Oh, yes.
It's the only time I ever got kicked out of a bowling alley.
-You bowled? In an alley? -Uh-huh.
Well, I tried.
-I was always jealous of your form.
-Do y'all still do that? -Oh, we do.
Grace, you should come play with us next Friday.
That's so nice.
Oh, I'll have to dust off my old pink ball.
Oh, no.
We don't use balls anymore.
Is this what it's come to? Is this what sports are now for old people? Oh, damn it! See, it's all in the timing.
Did your grandson give you any pointers when you stole his game? Shh.
I grabbed it before he woke up.
- Aw.
- Oh! Frankie, you're crowding my follow-through! -Why are you screaming? -I'm not screaming, I'm getting in shape to have fun with my friends.
Fine, fine.
Whatever you need to do to get back in with Puss Face and the gang.
Now what is that supposed to mean? I caught a puss face from Janet during the lunch.
No, that's Janet's face.
We don't talk about it, but that's her face.
Well, we got extra puss face when you started talking about Robert.
Well, maybe the puss face was for you.
You think they didn't hear all your sideline potshots? I don't know that they heard all of them.
They couldn't have been nicer to you.
You know what this means to me? Yes, old friends equal fun.
That's right.
Do you remember the last time I had fun? Heh.
Me neither.
All right, all right.
They're your friends.
I'll just have to adapt.
But I'm not getting a Pomeranian.
Well, that's good, because I'm not driving you to the pet store.
I will need one last lift to the DMV on Friday.
Friday is bowling day.
Can't you ask one of your kids to take you? I mean, don't they owe it for all the years that you drove Bud to his flute lessons and Coyote also to his flute lessons? Sol usually drove them so that he could go to his flute lesson.
Well, tell Bud and Coyote they're on chauffeur duty from now on.
- Yeah! That's the sugar mama likes! OK, OK.
Let's do another.
But I'm gonna get this one.
All right.
Here we go.
Ready? -Mm-hm.
-"With a Class C license -a person may drive--" -Yes.
-Can you be more specific? -A motorcycle.
No, it's a three-axle vehicle -weighing less than 6,000 pounds.
-How would I know that? I haven't driven a semi in years.
Well, you had this last night.
Remember? All right.
You know, let-let's do road signs.
You want to do road signs? OK.
All right.
Horse? Horse crossing? No.
No, the horse is the one with the horse on it.
-See? -Damn it.
Hill? Helipad? Hoagies.
Hoagies? Really, Mom? The street sign is telling you where to find a large sandwich? If it's not hoagies, I've got an idea for an app.
"Hospital"? Damn it.
You had that 20 minutes ago.
- I did? - Yeah.
Gobble, gobble, gobble! That's a turkey, sucker! Whoo! Three strikes in a row! How am I supposed to concentrate with that going on? It's like living with an alcoholic Midwestern dad.
When's dinner? You know, you want to take a little break? Mmm.
Clear your head out for a little bit.
All right? Here, study these.
I'll be right back.
Didn't you grow up playing video games? Where's my competition? Going to the other room to do not this.
You play like an Amish kid.
Hey, we need to talk.
Mom is really having trouble remembering things.
So, what you're saying is, Mom is Mom? No, this is more than typical Mom stuff.
I think she's starting to have a real problem.
Like maybe she shouldn't be driving.
Well, I mean, we've always thought that.
Remember what she used to say - when she would drive into the hedges? Shit, fuck.
Fuck, shit.
Fuck, nuts.
Are you sure you're not overreacting? Look, she's already failed the test three times.
She's studying like it's the bar exam, but she's not retaining anything.
It's bad.
We should have a talk with her.
It puts a pit in my stomach, but I hear you.
Yeah, I'm really worried.
What are you worried about? - I'm just saying - Mm-hm.
that we were studying and you were doing pretty well, OK? And then you took the test and it was like you never studied.
Have you been forgetting anything else lately? No, I'm not like what's-her-name in that movie with that guy.
You know, the redhead? Maybe it's time we think of some alternatives.
-To what? -We just want you to be safe.
-And others to be safe, too.
-Hold on.
Wait a minute.
You want me to stop driving.
Are we really having this conversation? We're bringing it up because we love you.
And it could be a good thing, Mom.
You don't even like driving.
And there's Uber now, and everyone delivers.
Maybe, maybe we could hire a nice college student who's interested in performance art to drive you around.
-Huh? -Yeah.
And think of the environmental contribution you'd be making.
Carbon footprint.
So you want me to hand over my keys and live the rest of my life as a shut-in.
Oh, right, I could take a cab to Applebee's, stockpile ketchup packets like Aunt Dotty! Why don't you just put me in a home where they have shuttle buses to drive you around? -Mom, nobody's putting you in a home.
-Come on.
No, you're just locking me up and keeping me in this one.
And you, of all people, would know what it's like not to have a license.
If I try to ride a bike, I'm one speed bump away from a-a titanium hip.
-Mom-- -I can't believe what I'm hearing.
-Let's just take a breath.
-Oh, fuck your "take a breath.
" Grace is off with her fancy friends.
And you two Judases have sold me up the river.
I think you should go.
-You're kicking us out? -What? That's exactly what I'm doing.
Wait, are you hungry? Let me get you a little something.
But then get the hell out of my house.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I gotta do something about this.
- Where are the guys? - I kicked 'em out.
After I gave them lasagna.
I thought you wouldn't eat it.
But if you're trying to fill out that bowling shirt Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm whittling.
-Isn't that what old people do? -Old frontier people.
I can make you a stick with a point.
Would you like that? No, thanks.
You know, they-they think I'm losing my memory.
Maybe they're right.
I've taken that test about a million times.
Why can't I pass it? Maybe Bud and Coyote are just being overprotective.
Or maybe they think my mind is going.
Well, it could be wandering the perimeter.
I can't believe this is happening now.
Just when my life is opening up again.
Oh, look, our brains are getting a little older, and it takes longer for things to sink in.
You just have to be a little more patient with yourself.
And stop doing this.
Did you ever consider there may be a connection between your memory problems and all the pot? I wasn't high when I took the test.
No, but you were high when you studied.
What do you think? Hmm? I don't get you, man.
What the hell are you doing? Aren't Coyote and Bud supposed to pick you up for your test in ten minutes? I could not ask them to leave work.
So I'm gonna take my first Uber.
Oh, you mean not counting the time you jumped out of the car because you thought the driver was Roy Orbison? -Roy Orbison is blind.
-He's not blind, he's dead.
Who wants a dead man driving? The fact is, this is the day of looking the beast straight in the eye.
And I'm gonna pass this sucker, thanks to your sage advice.
I told you to get off the pot.
I know.
I listened and did the exact opposite.
I remembered a class I took at Berkeley on how we learn.
-You went to Berkeley? -Half a semester.
I fell in love with a Black Panther.
Anyways, there's this theory that the best way to pass a test is by recreating the exact state you were in when you studied for it.
-It's called "state-dependent learning.
" -Get to the point.
This is how I studied for that first test.
PJs, Rasta beanie and a bong.
But I did not recreate it at the DMV, so, of course, I was all thrown off.
You're gonna bring a bong to the DMV? No.
That would be ridiculous.
I'm gonna sneak in a little vape.
-Hey, Gracie-Mae! -Look who's here! --Hi, guys.
-It's good to see you.
-Oh, it's so good to see you.
-Oh, I'm really happy you're here.
- How about this for a set-up, huh? - It's amazing.
But don't you miss the balls and the blowers? Grace loves the balls and blowers.
- Oh.
So bad.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
-She got you.
-How do you deal with these guys? We try not to.
Let's get you a drink.
I told you I'd be back, man.
Do you live in the Walgreens parking lot? No, but I know who you're talking about and that chick is weird.
Oh, we got a ringer! Ha! -We are so lucky to have you back.
-Well, it's great to be back.
Somebody has to teach Bob how to do a high-five.
Even though I am annoyed at the fit of your shirt while we're all in circus tents.
So listen.
This is big.
We've been talking about this ever since we saw you.
-Jerry Weisczak left Gloria.
-Oh, no.
What happened? Oh, it depends on who you ask.
I mean, he wasn't happy, she's never been happy.
Hard to tell if it was the depression or the pills.
I got depressed so I could take pills.
Oh, she must be devastated.
Is she OK? Oh, it was a lot of drama.
I always say if you've got ugliness going on, don't lay it on everyone else.
Deal with it like you would a face-lift.
You know, get out of town until you're all healed up, come back fresh and ready to play.
Well, you get it.
The point of all this is Jerry is single now.
What are you-- What? He's been asking about you.
I don't think so.
Gloria's a friend of mine.
- Just think about it.
- He likes you.
-He's done very well.
Stop sign.
Pass on the left.
Four lane intersection.
Eat that, Coyote! That's a funny name to name a baby.
-Here you go.
-Now, don't get excited.
-Look who just walked in.
- Hey! Jerry! - Hi, Jerry.
Come on.
- Hey! - Come on! We didn't want to spring it on you, but then we thought -Maybe we should spring it on you.
-You know, I really don't think that-- Say hello.
What's the harm? Don't forget, Jerry lives right around the corner from us.
How fun would that be? I get what you're trying to do.
I don't really feel comfortable with this.
Oh, but you must be dying living out there alone at the beach with Frankie.
I swear, at lunch, I thought a bird was gonna come flying out of that hair of hers.
Do you remember, she used to protest outside my mani-pedi place.
Well, she's very pro-union.
Look, I-I know she's a little unusual but we've both been put through the same wringer.
That's what I told Bob.
"They're living together because who else could understand that situation?" But you're past all that now.
Honey, she's holding you back.
-Nobody wants to be around her.
Just a second-- Oh, come on, you've been saying she drives you crazy for years.
Well, she did.
And she does.
But this year, she's also been there for me.
In a very real way.
Well, are you seriously gonna waste the rest of your life being roommates with that hippie nutbag? Were you always this nasty? I shoot from the hip, you know that about me.
-You were worse than I was.
-Well, things have changed.
You've changed.
Thank you.
That's the nicest thing you've said all day.
All right, this has gotten way out of hand.
Grace, it's your turn.
Why don't we just forget about all this and have fun? Sure.
Because that's what we do here, right? Grace, where you going? You know what? I think I prefer bowling with real balls.
Hey, what are you doing here? When the DMV is more fun than bowling with old friends, -you know it wasn't the best time.
-You want to talk about it? I love you for that question, but no, thanks.
Not right now.
I have something that might cheer you up.
-Ta da.
-You passed? Baby, I'm back in business.
-Oh, my God.
I am so happy.
-And it's good for five years so I still have plenty of time to lose my mind.
Listen, I'll tell you when you're losing your mind.
And when I tell you, you'll know it's true.
And I will do the same for you.
No, thank you.
Wait a minute.
Why does it say restricted? Oh, I-I passed the written test, but my eyes are meh.
So no nighttime driving, no freeways.
Oh, great, so you have half a license and I have no friends.
Or, I have more license than I had yesterday and you might have a new best friend.
- Stop.
- I mean it.
- So do I.
- Best friends! Kill me now.
Are you gonna drive? Do I have a choice? The sun's going down.

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