Grace and Frankie (2015) s03e04 Episode Script
The Burglary
1 [Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh That was a good idea, Frankie.
We really needed that.
Like I always say, if you can create a viable vibrator business with your best friend, then go to Extraordinary Desserts and get your freak on.
Is that what you call snorting a whole line of powdered sugar? That was an accident.
I am riding a pretty serious sugar high.
What do you say we try to get some work done? I'd love to, but I'm kind of swamped tonight.
Is that what you call needing to catch up on Ray Donovan? You're damn right.
Now, you can watch with me, but just remember, the rules are: No talking about how handsome Liev Schreiber is during the show.
We talk about it after.
Really? You think he's handsome? Yes, he's handsome! I mean, he's not not-handsome.
Now, Grace, that's exactly the kind of conversation you save for after the show.
Grace, do you have the TV? Yeah, it's in my purse.
Do you Do you have my laptop? I'm still on the TV.
One mystery at a time.
Yours isn't here, either.
Both of our laptops were right here.
Oh, my God! We've been robbed! Maybe they're still in the house.
Frankie? Frankie? - Frankie? - Get out of the house, Grace! Take to the water! Huh.
[police radio chatter.]
[Frankie groans.]
Are you sure you guys are okay? Can I get you anything? We're fine.
All I wanted was to watch Ray Donovan.
How will I ever find out if he fixed all the things that needed fixing? She doesn't seem fine.
Well, you were definitely robbed.
Oh, I think you've got the goods to make detective.
I am a detective.
Mom? Mom, it's okay.
They didn't take any of my your the jewelry.
They didn't take the jewelry that you were going to give me or whatever.
- Oh, my God.
How are you guys? - We are fine.
I honestly don't know why you girls came here.
Because we've been violated and my false sense of security has been destroyed forever.
Frankie, buck up.
Oh, buck up.
I don't care about anything but the laptops.
Ma'am, there's little chance you'll get your computers back.
How little? Teeny tiny.
Okay, zero.
Oh, unbelievable! My homeowner's insurance doesn't cover laptops and this one doesn't insure anything except her geodes.
Now, is it just the two of you alone in the house? Why? Do you think they could come back? Because all there is is little old me and this dusty bag of elbows! It's very unlikely, but not unheard of.
What are you saying? Am I in danger? Because I will go back and hide in the ocean right now! Don't test me! Would you please sit on her or something? Do you have anywhere you can stay for the night? Jacob picked the worst possible week to go out of town.
Where can we stay? Oh, the Disney Hilton! Oh, please, please? [Mallory.]
You can stay with me.
We have plenty of room.
Quick warning, though.
Macklin's night terrors are back, the twins aren't sleeping through the night, and Madison has the croup.
It's a barking cough.
Or you can stay at my place.
I won't, but you can.
Girls, we're fine.
A couple of hooligans are not going to scare us away.
This is our home.
So just go back to your respective nightmares and I'll stay with mine.
- Go! Go! - Okay.
Should I take the jewelry with me? 'Cause it might be safer - Go! Right now! - We'll talk about it later.
Okay.
Christ on a cupcake, I just noticed how many windows there are in this house.
Why are there so many windows? We are sitting ducks! Well, if it can give you some peace of mind, there's a great crime prevention class for seniors down at the community center.
Great.
Can I sleep there? Oh, thank you for your advice.
We're fine.
Okay.
I just have one more question.
Do you own a firearm, and if so, was it stolen? No.
No, you don't own a firearm or no, it wasn't stolen? Yes.
- I'm confused.
- Correct.
Of course we don't have a gun! Are you insane? Do you think we'd have a gun? Do you think we'd let a gun come into the house in a million years? I don't know you.
- Oh, Grace, tell him! - Tell him what? That we don't have a gun! That we would never have a gun.
- Grace? - What? Do you own a gun? No.
You're gonna have to promise me.
I promise.
[clears throat.]
The way I like it.
Frankie, I promise I do not have a gun nor will I ever have one.
You do not need to worry.
Thank you.
Now finish it off.
[sighs.]
Promise accepted.
Namaste.
- You and your wife are adorable.
- Thank you.
- So, you have a gun, right? - Oh, yeah.
Stolen? No.
It's in a safe upstairs.
Copy that.
And the girl that was here earlier, not the obvious man-eater, but the nice one? She's married with four children.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And the man-eater? Goodnight, officer.
For the last time, she's fine.
[Sol.]
Fine? I know Frankie, and there's no way she's fine right now.
Try putting a hot compress on her head.
That always helps calm her down.
The same hot compress she puts down her pants? Pass.
Did you at least rub her sternum? I tried, but she kept moaning and it confused me.
Did you pull her pinky toes? Same answer there, Sol.
And you're sure you're all right? We're fine.
Because you can both stay here.
I'm sure it's okay with Robert.
I can't ask him because he's out rehearsing every night.
Now I know how Lucy Ricardo felt.
Although, I always knew.
- Maybe you guys should come over.
- Look, everything's fine.
Frankie went to bed with minimal fuss.
I'm about to pass out.
So thank you for your concern, but we don't need your help.
- I got it covered.
- You haven't seen this place.
- Uh-huh.
- It's very comfortable.
- Uh-huh.
- We could play a game.
- We could do, you know, whatever - [sighs.]
[toilet flushes.]
Okay, let's hit the hay.
You want right side or left? I call middle.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Oh, would you rather us both sleep in my studio? Cool with me, though there is a bit of unaccounted-for vindaloo somewhere in my bed.
No.
I will sleep in my bed.
You will sleep with the Indian food, like always.
Okay, okay.
Let's make a deal.
I sleep with you and you let me.
Look, those idiots are not coming back anytime soon.
Oh, you don't know that.
What if they realize they forgot to take my antique roll of Civil War authentic twine? I wouldn't worry, it's pretty cleverly disguised as garbage.
What is the matter? Why can't you get control of yourself? I don't know.
I can't stop thinking about how vulnerable we are.
- Doesn't it bother you? - Honestly? Not really.
I'm fine.
Well, I decidedly am not.
I haven't felt this way maybe ever.
Please, Grace, let me stay here for one night.
- I need you.
- Oh, fine.
Oh, yippee! - This is a one night only thing.
- Totally agreed.
Three weeks, max, barring any setbacks.
Full disclosure, there's gonna be setbacks.
Would it help you get your head on straight if we took that crime prevention class for seniors? - Will you do it with me? - Will it get you out of my bed? - Super probably.
- Then good enough.
Good night, Frankie.
Mmm, nighty-night-night.
Night, night, night Frankie! Sorry.
Night.
- [sighs.]
- Night, night.
[chuckles.]
Ta-da! Holy moly.
[chuckles.]
I heard the car.
Ta da.
Thank you and what is it? It's a pink squirrel.
I accidentally bought strawberry milk at the grocery store - and now I have to get rid of it.
- [chuckles.]
So can you believe this robbery? We had that house for 20 years, nothing.
Never a problem.
They have the house for 18 months and all of a sudden it's The Wire over there.
Sol, the girls told me all about it.
I called Grace and she said everything is fine.
Great.
I don't need to talk about it.
I can talk about other things.
How was rehearsal? Did you learn more blocking? - I can speak the lingo.
- Rehearsal's fine.
We just started to get it up on its feet, but it's early yet.
I'm so glad you're home.
I've been saving us the last episode of Dance Moms.
- Oh, there are more of them? - Oh.
We can watch anything.
What are you in the mood for? Honestly, I'm in the mood for bed.
Well, that can be arranged.
I don't think I have it in me tonight, Sol.
You might if you downed that pink squirrel.
You know, honey, as much as I love gin and milk, I am whooped.
I just spent two straight hours in rehearsal.
Two hours? You told me it was 7:00 to 10:00.
Oh, well, right.
[stammers.]
Two hours of rehearsal, then vocalizing, then an hour of drinkies.
- "Drinkies"? - Mm-hmm.
What What What What do you mean "drinkies"? Well, you know post-rehearsal drinks.
You know, it's the brotherhood of the stage, bonding and the such.
You padded your rehearsal time.
I most certainly did not.
It's part of the theatrical tradition.
Dates back to Roman times, probably.
Well, I guess we won't be needing these.
I wanted to invite you for drinkies, but spouses don't come.
Not only am I not good enough to play Silent Guy with Spittoon, I can't even do drinkies.
[sighs.]
You know what? You can do drinkies.
- And you know why? - Why? Because drinkies are coming here tomorrow night.
No, they're not.
Oh, yes they are.
I just decided.
May I make pink squirrels? You may certainly not.
Good night, sweetheart.
They're good! In fact, some of the things that make you less safe you don't even realize you're doing.
- Yes? - Officer Tuttle? Frankie Bergstein.
Frankie, you don't have to say your name every time you have a question.
What's your question? - I forgot.
- Great.
Uh, number one: avoid grocery shopping between the hours of 5:00 and 8:00 p.
m.
I live in a home.
They take us grocery shopping in a bus.
- Mel Cordray.
- Okay, class announcement: you don't have to say your name every time you have a question.
Excuse me.
Between 5:00 and 8:00 are prime sample hours at Trader Joe's.
Okay, moving on.
Avoid mall bathrooms at all costs.
Where am I supposed to eat my Cinnabon? For the last time, at the Cinnabon! Oh, my God! I do all those things! I'm a walking target! - You're not a walking target.
- Actually, I'm afraid she is.
- Wait, I am? - Thanks a lot, Tuttle.
Would you please stand up here for a moment? Don't make her stand up.
I'd like everyone to pay attention to what we're dealing with here.
First, the loose fabric, very easy to grab.
The clogs make it virtually impossible to run away.
They have springs.
If she had a ponytail, she'd be a prowler's delight.
What is this, a roast? Officer, questionable wardrobe choices aside, Frankie is a lot less vulnerable than she looks.
I mean, in fact, she's extremely vigilant.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I've heard her give out her home address at least three times since she got here.
- Fair enough.
- I'm not safe anywhere.
You'd be safe with old Mel Cordray.
Look, you seem like you're a lot of fun and obviously I want to hear all about this grocery bus, but this is not the time and this is not the place.
I really miss the kindergartners.
Officer, my friend is upset because we had a home invasion and were robbed.
Isn't there anything you can do to put her mind at ease? Yes, that.
That.
I want to hear all about that.
Okay.
The key there is to make it look like somebody's always home.
Oh, yes, always home.
Never leaving.
Got it.
A burglar is 90 percent less likely to enter the home if they think that someone is awake.
We've got to be awake constantly.
So here are some things you can do to create the illusion that someone is always awake.
Of course.
That makes more sense.
You can leave a light on.
You can install a motion detector light.
You can leave a TV on low when you go to bed.
Another thing you could do is leave a large pair of men's boots outside the front door.
That gives the appearance that there's a man at home.
What if we come face to face with an intruder in the house? Well, it's extremely important that you do not try to engage the intruder physically.
At your advanced age, you're not going to be able to win a hand-to-hand fight.
Why not? What about adrenaline? I mean, what about women who pick up a car to save a child? Yeah, well, I think that ship has pretty much sailed.
If somebody has entered your home, the first thing you want to do is say your full name very loud.
Frankie Bergstein! Then your best bet is to go ahead and soil yourself.
Excuse me? - What if you don't have to go? - Oh, you'll have to go.
Soil my Soil myself? It's not pretty, but it's the most proven and effective method to ensure that an attacker will not want to touch you.
Soil myself.
Speaking of Excuse me.
- Soil myself.
- It would just be for once.
Did Janet Reno finally accept Frankie's dinner invitation? No, no.
Those are because of the class that you guys took.
[Bud.]
I think it was supposed to be men's shoes, but, uh, Mom thought that was too heteronormative.
Guys, I was going to hire someone to fix that.
No, we YouTubed how to fix a pane of glass.
It's good as new.
Plus, Mom is convinced that the entire handyman industry is a scam for thieves to gain access into your house.
Do either of you foresee your mother returning to any level of normalcy soon? Define "normalcy.
" [laughs.]
- Where is she? - [Frankie.]
She's right here.
Oh, Frankie, we said no booby traps.
Oh, this is gonna be much better than any booby trap.
Boys, thanks for installing our new TVs.
One's upside down but I can fix it.
- I told you it was upside down.
- Shut the fuck up.
- So you're feeling better? - I am.
Great.
So what are we doing with all that? Oh, this? This is just to weigh her down.
What? [classical music plays.]
You do have memorable hair.
- [laughter, chatter inside.]
- [Peter.]
Mmm.
Oh, Sol, how do you do it? The crust is fluffy and crunchy.
You have really outdone yourself.
You don't have to go overboard with compliments.
You didn't cast me in the play and now I'm co-hosting drinkies.
It's awkward.
Only if we talk about it more.
All right.
What do you want to talk about? - [jazz plays softly in background.]
- [party chatter continues.]
God, it's still awkward, isn't it? - Let's go join the others! - Okay.
No, no.
Gwen Verdon did not win a Tony for Sweet Charity in 1966.
I think it's Ver-don.
It's Verdon.
Look it up, please.
Angela Lansbury won that year for Mame.
Wait, I thought she had four.
[Robert.]
She did.
Can-Can, Damn Yankees, New Girl in Town, and Redhead.
Come on.
Give me a real challenge.
Let's try Zero Mostel or Patti LuPon.
It's LuPone.
Look it up.
You're unbelievable.
Sol, I hope you know how lucky you are to live with someone with this kind of information at his fingertips.
I try not to bore Sol with my gift.
I'm never bored.
Confused, sometimes.
And often wondering how Grace never figured out he was gay for all those years.
[laughter.]
Wait.
Who's Grace? - Grace is - Grace Kelly.
Star of High Society, 1956.
Musical version of The Philadelphia Story.
And also Robert's wife of 40 years.
I'm sorry, what? You were married? To a woman? - We both were.
- Can I get a refill? You guys don't know this? Robert, how did this not come up in share circle? Or at least how did this not come up in drunk share circle? - I guess I wasn't drunk enough.
- You were pretty drunk.
We neither of us really lead with it.
But there it is.
[Sol.]
Let's get into it.
This is why I don't bring Jeff to drinkies.
[woman.]
Tell us everything! - Hey, girl! - Oh, no, no, no.
Frankie, don't even think about getting into this bed.
I need sleep! Oh, relax.
I just can't find my glasses.
Think I left them here.
Mind? Fine.
Make it quick.
I feel so much better thanks to that class.
Gave me so many good ideas to secure our perimeters.
Our perimeters, right.
I only have one thing more to do to make us fully secure for the night.
And what might that be? - No Frankie! Frankie, no! - I'm in! I'm in! I'm in! I'm already in! You can't kick me out! - Squatter's rights! - Oh, God.
I thought you were fine! Be fine! I am fine.
During the day.
It turns out I'm just less fine at night.
You snore.
You talk in your sleep.
Last night you kept saying, "Let's get you out of that skin.
" Must have freaked you out, huh? Get out! No, wait! Wait! Don't push me out! - Please.
- No, please.
We can solve this.
Do you want me to do stuff to you? Oh, stop asking me that! I don't hear a "no.
" Oh, fucking hell, Frankie! Are you gonna make me physically remove you from this room? Because I took an extra Boniva this morning.
You're really not scared? I'm scared of some things.
Death comes to mind.
But, no, I'm not scared now.
And I'll tell you something.
As long as you have me, you don't need to be scared, either.
- I don't know.
- Oh, cut the crap.
Come on.
The Frankie I know is an ass-kicker.
The Frankie I know never met a phobia she couldn't beat.
- She drives the freeways.
- Oh, yeah, but I almost killed that guy.
She started a relationship with a new man.
A farmer, no less.
I do rock his world.
She started a business in her 70s, for Christ's sake.
I did all those things.
You're damn right you did.
And you know what all those victories have in common? A series of lost purses? You.
I couldn't have done any of that without you.
You make me feel strong, Grace Hanson.
Like I could do anything.
- Well, I'm glad you feel better.
- Me, too.
Nighty night.
I thought you were going to sleep in your bed.
I thought since I was already here Agh.
Okay, wait here.
I know what we're going to do.
I got these for Macklin.
Don't tell Robert.
I keep a stash of toys that I dole out when the kids come over.
Walkie-talkies.
I apologize, they've got a picture of somebody called "André the Giant" on them.
Can you believe what he did to King Kong Bundy at the "Colossal Jostle" back in '85? Well, I'm not a basketball fan, I'm afraid.
Look.
A special channel so that you can always reach me any time, day or night.
- It's short-wave.
- Yes.
So we never have to be far apart from each other.
Frankie, I'm going to get you through this.
I will always be here for you.
I just can't be here for you.
Mmm.
- Frankie, don't abuse them.
- Oh.
Goodnight, Grace.
I'll be up and at 'em first thing for work.
- Like noon? - Yeah, noon-ish.
Squirrely Chicken has arrived downstairs.
Over and out.
The gazelle seeks its daily nutritional needs The zebras continue their daily trek along the savannah seeking out the rain's latest harvest.
I'll come back tomorrow for my car.
I'll take an Uber home and then another Uber here for my car.
Just leave my car where it is.
Coming! - Night, Robert.
- Goodbye, Peter.
That poor Uber driver.
- Does Peter live far? - No.
What's wrong? Are you mad at me? Yes.
- May I ask why? - No.
- Yes.
You inned me.
- I what? Inned me! As in reverse outted.
You told all my gay friends I used to be straight.
- I thought they knew.
- They didn't know! And when it was obvious they didn't know, you told them every tawdry detail.
I didn't realize our life story was tawdry.
I just wanted to be part of a group of gay friends where I was gay like they were gay.
Is that asking too much? They were very understanding.
They know our generation was different.
Sol, it's not about them.
Then what is it about? - It's about how I feel.
- How do you feel? I don't know! I just know that I feel shitty about all the years I pretended I wasn't gay and what that did to all the people that I love.
And now they know that that's the kind of coward that I am.
But that's what happened.
And we can't pretend it didn't.
I know we can't, but do you have to discuss it with the whole world? No, but we shouldn't hide it, either.
Personally, I'm done with being in any kind of closet.
This is between you and you.
[creaking.]
[squeaking.]
[glass shatters.]
[softly.]
Frankie? Are you in the house? Negatory, breaker niner.
Squirrely Chicken is in the coop, over.
I need you to stay where you are and call 911.
Someone is in the house.
What?! [low chatter on television.]
[wind howling.]
How much of that did you see? [Nico Vega's "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" playing.]
Bang, bang He shot me down Bang, bang I hit the ground Bang, bang That awful sound Bang, bang I used to shoot you down Music played and people sang Just for me, the church bells rang Now he's gone I don't know why Until this day, sometimes I cry He didn't even say goodbye He didn't take the time to laugh Bang, bang He shot me down Bang, bang I hit the ground [woman.]
Okay, good night!
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh That was a good idea, Frankie.
We really needed that.
Like I always say, if you can create a viable vibrator business with your best friend, then go to Extraordinary Desserts and get your freak on.
Is that what you call snorting a whole line of powdered sugar? That was an accident.
I am riding a pretty serious sugar high.
What do you say we try to get some work done? I'd love to, but I'm kind of swamped tonight.
Is that what you call needing to catch up on Ray Donovan? You're damn right.
Now, you can watch with me, but just remember, the rules are: No talking about how handsome Liev Schreiber is during the show.
We talk about it after.
Really? You think he's handsome? Yes, he's handsome! I mean, he's not not-handsome.
Now, Grace, that's exactly the kind of conversation you save for after the show.
Grace, do you have the TV? Yeah, it's in my purse.
Do you Do you have my laptop? I'm still on the TV.
One mystery at a time.
Yours isn't here, either.
Both of our laptops were right here.
Oh, my God! We've been robbed! Maybe they're still in the house.
Frankie? Frankie? - Frankie? - Get out of the house, Grace! Take to the water! Huh.
[police radio chatter.]
[Frankie groans.]
Are you sure you guys are okay? Can I get you anything? We're fine.
All I wanted was to watch Ray Donovan.
How will I ever find out if he fixed all the things that needed fixing? She doesn't seem fine.
Well, you were definitely robbed.
Oh, I think you've got the goods to make detective.
I am a detective.
Mom? Mom, it's okay.
They didn't take any of my your the jewelry.
They didn't take the jewelry that you were going to give me or whatever.
- Oh, my God.
How are you guys? - We are fine.
I honestly don't know why you girls came here.
Because we've been violated and my false sense of security has been destroyed forever.
Frankie, buck up.
Oh, buck up.
I don't care about anything but the laptops.
Ma'am, there's little chance you'll get your computers back.
How little? Teeny tiny.
Okay, zero.
Oh, unbelievable! My homeowner's insurance doesn't cover laptops and this one doesn't insure anything except her geodes.
Now, is it just the two of you alone in the house? Why? Do you think they could come back? Because all there is is little old me and this dusty bag of elbows! It's very unlikely, but not unheard of.
What are you saying? Am I in danger? Because I will go back and hide in the ocean right now! Don't test me! Would you please sit on her or something? Do you have anywhere you can stay for the night? Jacob picked the worst possible week to go out of town.
Where can we stay? Oh, the Disney Hilton! Oh, please, please? [Mallory.]
You can stay with me.
We have plenty of room.
Quick warning, though.
Macklin's night terrors are back, the twins aren't sleeping through the night, and Madison has the croup.
It's a barking cough.
Or you can stay at my place.
I won't, but you can.
Girls, we're fine.
A couple of hooligans are not going to scare us away.
This is our home.
So just go back to your respective nightmares and I'll stay with mine.
- Go! Go! - Okay.
Should I take the jewelry with me? 'Cause it might be safer - Go! Right now! - We'll talk about it later.
Okay.
Christ on a cupcake, I just noticed how many windows there are in this house.
Why are there so many windows? We are sitting ducks! Well, if it can give you some peace of mind, there's a great crime prevention class for seniors down at the community center.
Great.
Can I sleep there? Oh, thank you for your advice.
We're fine.
Okay.
I just have one more question.
Do you own a firearm, and if so, was it stolen? No.
No, you don't own a firearm or no, it wasn't stolen? Yes.
- I'm confused.
- Correct.
Of course we don't have a gun! Are you insane? Do you think we'd have a gun? Do you think we'd let a gun come into the house in a million years? I don't know you.
- Oh, Grace, tell him! - Tell him what? That we don't have a gun! That we would never have a gun.
- Grace? - What? Do you own a gun? No.
You're gonna have to promise me.
I promise.
[clears throat.]
The way I like it.
Frankie, I promise I do not have a gun nor will I ever have one.
You do not need to worry.
Thank you.
Now finish it off.
[sighs.]
Promise accepted.
Namaste.
- You and your wife are adorable.
- Thank you.
- So, you have a gun, right? - Oh, yeah.
Stolen? No.
It's in a safe upstairs.
Copy that.
And the girl that was here earlier, not the obvious man-eater, but the nice one? She's married with four children.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And the man-eater? Goodnight, officer.
For the last time, she's fine.
[Sol.]
Fine? I know Frankie, and there's no way she's fine right now.
Try putting a hot compress on her head.
That always helps calm her down.
The same hot compress she puts down her pants? Pass.
Did you at least rub her sternum? I tried, but she kept moaning and it confused me.
Did you pull her pinky toes? Same answer there, Sol.
And you're sure you're all right? We're fine.
Because you can both stay here.
I'm sure it's okay with Robert.
I can't ask him because he's out rehearsing every night.
Now I know how Lucy Ricardo felt.
Although, I always knew.
- Maybe you guys should come over.
- Look, everything's fine.
Frankie went to bed with minimal fuss.
I'm about to pass out.
So thank you for your concern, but we don't need your help.
- I got it covered.
- You haven't seen this place.
- Uh-huh.
- It's very comfortable.
- Uh-huh.
- We could play a game.
- We could do, you know, whatever - [sighs.]
[toilet flushes.]
Okay, let's hit the hay.
You want right side or left? I call middle.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Oh, would you rather us both sleep in my studio? Cool with me, though there is a bit of unaccounted-for vindaloo somewhere in my bed.
No.
I will sleep in my bed.
You will sleep with the Indian food, like always.
Okay, okay.
Let's make a deal.
I sleep with you and you let me.
Look, those idiots are not coming back anytime soon.
Oh, you don't know that.
What if they realize they forgot to take my antique roll of Civil War authentic twine? I wouldn't worry, it's pretty cleverly disguised as garbage.
What is the matter? Why can't you get control of yourself? I don't know.
I can't stop thinking about how vulnerable we are.
- Doesn't it bother you? - Honestly? Not really.
I'm fine.
Well, I decidedly am not.
I haven't felt this way maybe ever.
Please, Grace, let me stay here for one night.
- I need you.
- Oh, fine.
Oh, yippee! - This is a one night only thing.
- Totally agreed.
Three weeks, max, barring any setbacks.
Full disclosure, there's gonna be setbacks.
Would it help you get your head on straight if we took that crime prevention class for seniors? - Will you do it with me? - Will it get you out of my bed? - Super probably.
- Then good enough.
Good night, Frankie.
Mmm, nighty-night-night.
Night, night, night Frankie! Sorry.
Night.
- [sighs.]
- Night, night.
[chuckles.]
Ta-da! Holy moly.
[chuckles.]
I heard the car.
Ta da.
Thank you and what is it? It's a pink squirrel.
I accidentally bought strawberry milk at the grocery store - and now I have to get rid of it.
- [chuckles.]
So can you believe this robbery? We had that house for 20 years, nothing.
Never a problem.
They have the house for 18 months and all of a sudden it's The Wire over there.
Sol, the girls told me all about it.
I called Grace and she said everything is fine.
Great.
I don't need to talk about it.
I can talk about other things.
How was rehearsal? Did you learn more blocking? - I can speak the lingo.
- Rehearsal's fine.
We just started to get it up on its feet, but it's early yet.
I'm so glad you're home.
I've been saving us the last episode of Dance Moms.
- Oh, there are more of them? - Oh.
We can watch anything.
What are you in the mood for? Honestly, I'm in the mood for bed.
Well, that can be arranged.
I don't think I have it in me tonight, Sol.
You might if you downed that pink squirrel.
You know, honey, as much as I love gin and milk, I am whooped.
I just spent two straight hours in rehearsal.
Two hours? You told me it was 7:00 to 10:00.
Oh, well, right.
[stammers.]
Two hours of rehearsal, then vocalizing, then an hour of drinkies.
- "Drinkies"? - Mm-hmm.
What What What What do you mean "drinkies"? Well, you know post-rehearsal drinks.
You know, it's the brotherhood of the stage, bonding and the such.
You padded your rehearsal time.
I most certainly did not.
It's part of the theatrical tradition.
Dates back to Roman times, probably.
Well, I guess we won't be needing these.
I wanted to invite you for drinkies, but spouses don't come.
Not only am I not good enough to play Silent Guy with Spittoon, I can't even do drinkies.
[sighs.]
You know what? You can do drinkies.
- And you know why? - Why? Because drinkies are coming here tomorrow night.
No, they're not.
Oh, yes they are.
I just decided.
May I make pink squirrels? You may certainly not.
Good night, sweetheart.
They're good! In fact, some of the things that make you less safe you don't even realize you're doing.
- Yes? - Officer Tuttle? Frankie Bergstein.
Frankie, you don't have to say your name every time you have a question.
What's your question? - I forgot.
- Great.
Uh, number one: avoid grocery shopping between the hours of 5:00 and 8:00 p.
m.
I live in a home.
They take us grocery shopping in a bus.
- Mel Cordray.
- Okay, class announcement: you don't have to say your name every time you have a question.
Excuse me.
Between 5:00 and 8:00 are prime sample hours at Trader Joe's.
Okay, moving on.
Avoid mall bathrooms at all costs.
Where am I supposed to eat my Cinnabon? For the last time, at the Cinnabon! Oh, my God! I do all those things! I'm a walking target! - You're not a walking target.
- Actually, I'm afraid she is.
- Wait, I am? - Thanks a lot, Tuttle.
Would you please stand up here for a moment? Don't make her stand up.
I'd like everyone to pay attention to what we're dealing with here.
First, the loose fabric, very easy to grab.
The clogs make it virtually impossible to run away.
They have springs.
If she had a ponytail, she'd be a prowler's delight.
What is this, a roast? Officer, questionable wardrobe choices aside, Frankie is a lot less vulnerable than she looks.
I mean, in fact, she's extremely vigilant.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I've heard her give out her home address at least three times since she got here.
- Fair enough.
- I'm not safe anywhere.
You'd be safe with old Mel Cordray.
Look, you seem like you're a lot of fun and obviously I want to hear all about this grocery bus, but this is not the time and this is not the place.
I really miss the kindergartners.
Officer, my friend is upset because we had a home invasion and were robbed.
Isn't there anything you can do to put her mind at ease? Yes, that.
That.
I want to hear all about that.
Okay.
The key there is to make it look like somebody's always home.
Oh, yes, always home.
Never leaving.
Got it.
A burglar is 90 percent less likely to enter the home if they think that someone is awake.
We've got to be awake constantly.
So here are some things you can do to create the illusion that someone is always awake.
Of course.
That makes more sense.
You can leave a light on.
You can install a motion detector light.
You can leave a TV on low when you go to bed.
Another thing you could do is leave a large pair of men's boots outside the front door.
That gives the appearance that there's a man at home.
What if we come face to face with an intruder in the house? Well, it's extremely important that you do not try to engage the intruder physically.
At your advanced age, you're not going to be able to win a hand-to-hand fight.
Why not? What about adrenaline? I mean, what about women who pick up a car to save a child? Yeah, well, I think that ship has pretty much sailed.
If somebody has entered your home, the first thing you want to do is say your full name very loud.
Frankie Bergstein! Then your best bet is to go ahead and soil yourself.
Excuse me? - What if you don't have to go? - Oh, you'll have to go.
Soil my Soil myself? It's not pretty, but it's the most proven and effective method to ensure that an attacker will not want to touch you.
Soil myself.
Speaking of Excuse me.
- Soil myself.
- It would just be for once.
Did Janet Reno finally accept Frankie's dinner invitation? No, no.
Those are because of the class that you guys took.
[Bud.]
I think it was supposed to be men's shoes, but, uh, Mom thought that was too heteronormative.
Guys, I was going to hire someone to fix that.
No, we YouTubed how to fix a pane of glass.
It's good as new.
Plus, Mom is convinced that the entire handyman industry is a scam for thieves to gain access into your house.
Do either of you foresee your mother returning to any level of normalcy soon? Define "normalcy.
" [laughs.]
- Where is she? - [Frankie.]
She's right here.
Oh, Frankie, we said no booby traps.
Oh, this is gonna be much better than any booby trap.
Boys, thanks for installing our new TVs.
One's upside down but I can fix it.
- I told you it was upside down.
- Shut the fuck up.
- So you're feeling better? - I am.
Great.
So what are we doing with all that? Oh, this? This is just to weigh her down.
What? [classical music plays.]
You do have memorable hair.
- [laughter, chatter inside.]
- [Peter.]
Mmm.
Oh, Sol, how do you do it? The crust is fluffy and crunchy.
You have really outdone yourself.
You don't have to go overboard with compliments.
You didn't cast me in the play and now I'm co-hosting drinkies.
It's awkward.
Only if we talk about it more.
All right.
What do you want to talk about? - [jazz plays softly in background.]
- [party chatter continues.]
God, it's still awkward, isn't it? - Let's go join the others! - Okay.
No, no.
Gwen Verdon did not win a Tony for Sweet Charity in 1966.
I think it's Ver-don.
It's Verdon.
Look it up, please.
Angela Lansbury won that year for Mame.
Wait, I thought she had four.
[Robert.]
She did.
Can-Can, Damn Yankees, New Girl in Town, and Redhead.
Come on.
Give me a real challenge.
Let's try Zero Mostel or Patti LuPon.
It's LuPone.
Look it up.
You're unbelievable.
Sol, I hope you know how lucky you are to live with someone with this kind of information at his fingertips.
I try not to bore Sol with my gift.
I'm never bored.
Confused, sometimes.
And often wondering how Grace never figured out he was gay for all those years.
[laughter.]
Wait.
Who's Grace? - Grace is - Grace Kelly.
Star of High Society, 1956.
Musical version of The Philadelphia Story.
And also Robert's wife of 40 years.
I'm sorry, what? You were married? To a woman? - We both were.
- Can I get a refill? You guys don't know this? Robert, how did this not come up in share circle? Or at least how did this not come up in drunk share circle? - I guess I wasn't drunk enough.
- You were pretty drunk.
We neither of us really lead with it.
But there it is.
[Sol.]
Let's get into it.
This is why I don't bring Jeff to drinkies.
[woman.]
Tell us everything! - Hey, girl! - Oh, no, no, no.
Frankie, don't even think about getting into this bed.
I need sleep! Oh, relax.
I just can't find my glasses.
Think I left them here.
Mind? Fine.
Make it quick.
I feel so much better thanks to that class.
Gave me so many good ideas to secure our perimeters.
Our perimeters, right.
I only have one thing more to do to make us fully secure for the night.
And what might that be? - No Frankie! Frankie, no! - I'm in! I'm in! I'm in! I'm already in! You can't kick me out! - Squatter's rights! - Oh, God.
I thought you were fine! Be fine! I am fine.
During the day.
It turns out I'm just less fine at night.
You snore.
You talk in your sleep.
Last night you kept saying, "Let's get you out of that skin.
" Must have freaked you out, huh? Get out! No, wait! Wait! Don't push me out! - Please.
- No, please.
We can solve this.
Do you want me to do stuff to you? Oh, stop asking me that! I don't hear a "no.
" Oh, fucking hell, Frankie! Are you gonna make me physically remove you from this room? Because I took an extra Boniva this morning.
You're really not scared? I'm scared of some things.
Death comes to mind.
But, no, I'm not scared now.
And I'll tell you something.
As long as you have me, you don't need to be scared, either.
- I don't know.
- Oh, cut the crap.
Come on.
The Frankie I know is an ass-kicker.
The Frankie I know never met a phobia she couldn't beat.
- She drives the freeways.
- Oh, yeah, but I almost killed that guy.
She started a relationship with a new man.
A farmer, no less.
I do rock his world.
She started a business in her 70s, for Christ's sake.
I did all those things.
You're damn right you did.
And you know what all those victories have in common? A series of lost purses? You.
I couldn't have done any of that without you.
You make me feel strong, Grace Hanson.
Like I could do anything.
- Well, I'm glad you feel better.
- Me, too.
Nighty night.
I thought you were going to sleep in your bed.
I thought since I was already here Agh.
Okay, wait here.
I know what we're going to do.
I got these for Macklin.
Don't tell Robert.
I keep a stash of toys that I dole out when the kids come over.
Walkie-talkies.
I apologize, they've got a picture of somebody called "André the Giant" on them.
Can you believe what he did to King Kong Bundy at the "Colossal Jostle" back in '85? Well, I'm not a basketball fan, I'm afraid.
Look.
A special channel so that you can always reach me any time, day or night.
- It's short-wave.
- Yes.
So we never have to be far apart from each other.
Frankie, I'm going to get you through this.
I will always be here for you.
I just can't be here for you.
Mmm.
- Frankie, don't abuse them.
- Oh.
Goodnight, Grace.
I'll be up and at 'em first thing for work.
- Like noon? - Yeah, noon-ish.
Squirrely Chicken has arrived downstairs.
Over and out.
The gazelle seeks its daily nutritional needs The zebras continue their daily trek along the savannah seeking out the rain's latest harvest.
I'll come back tomorrow for my car.
I'll take an Uber home and then another Uber here for my car.
Just leave my car where it is.
Coming! - Night, Robert.
- Goodbye, Peter.
That poor Uber driver.
- Does Peter live far? - No.
What's wrong? Are you mad at me? Yes.
- May I ask why? - No.
- Yes.
You inned me.
- I what? Inned me! As in reverse outted.
You told all my gay friends I used to be straight.
- I thought they knew.
- They didn't know! And when it was obvious they didn't know, you told them every tawdry detail.
I didn't realize our life story was tawdry.
I just wanted to be part of a group of gay friends where I was gay like they were gay.
Is that asking too much? They were very understanding.
They know our generation was different.
Sol, it's not about them.
Then what is it about? - It's about how I feel.
- How do you feel? I don't know! I just know that I feel shitty about all the years I pretended I wasn't gay and what that did to all the people that I love.
And now they know that that's the kind of coward that I am.
But that's what happened.
And we can't pretend it didn't.
I know we can't, but do you have to discuss it with the whole world? No, but we shouldn't hide it, either.
Personally, I'm done with being in any kind of closet.
This is between you and you.
[creaking.]
[squeaking.]
[glass shatters.]
[softly.]
Frankie? Are you in the house? Negatory, breaker niner.
Squirrely Chicken is in the coop, over.
I need you to stay where you are and call 911.
Someone is in the house.
What?! [low chatter on television.]
[wind howling.]
How much of that did you see? [Nico Vega's "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" playing.]
Bang, bang He shot me down Bang, bang I hit the ground Bang, bang That awful sound Bang, bang I used to shoot you down Music played and people sang Just for me, the church bells rang Now he's gone I don't know why Until this day, sometimes I cry He didn't even say goodbye He didn't take the time to laugh Bang, bang He shot me down Bang, bang I hit the ground [woman.]
Okay, good night!