Grace and Frankie (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

The Floor

1 [Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh Negative gun energy may not stay.
I release you and send you on your way.
Go on now.
Get out of here.
On your way.
I'm not done yet.
Negative gun energy, I banish thee, and is my word so mote it be! Mote? Don't you mean "might"? "Might"? Grace, no, no.
It's "mote.
" You'd be laughed right out of the coven.
What does "mote" mean? Might.
- Are we done? - Almost.
- Ah Ah [soft snort.]
- Oh, don't Why do you do that?! I've told you, it's dangerous to hold a sneeze in.
I'm not a pretty sneezer.
Well, the face you make holding it in isn't pretty, either.
Well, thanks for telling me.
That's what I'm here for.
We have saged every inch of this house.
You told me when we were through we could go over the talking points for our interview.
I know.
I've done my homework about all our talking points and I've got a plan.
Oh, what is it? We're gonna wing it.
We're not winging anything.
We're going to over-prepare and then act like we're winging it.
To each her own.
So mote it be.
I'm gonna take a shower.
I smell like a brush fire.
I'm gonna purify this chair because it would've been the last thing I saw before you shot me.
- Ah Ah Ah - Let it out! Let it out.
Let it out.
- What's the matter? Are you okay? - My back! Oh, God.
What can I do? - [groans.]
No, no, no! Don't do that! - Here.
- Let me get you into a chair.
- No! On the floor! The floor! Oh, wait.
Oh - Ah! Yes.
- You all right? - [groans.]
- What? Oh, my back, back, back! That's not funny.
I'm serious! Oh, don't go down.
- Oh, I'm going! - Don't go down! - I'm going! - Don't go down! - Oh, I'm down.
- No.
[groans, panting.]
I thought you were going to breakfast with Brianna and Mallory.
I am, but they don't have Pop-Tarts there.
- So you're gonna sit there and not eat? - No, I'm gonna eat.
- Ate the last one, huh? - No, I did not.
I went to the store.
When you're done with them you can live in the empty boxes.
Look, man I'm looking for a place, okay? I've got ten solid leads right now.
- Leads? - Yeah.
Looking for an apartment or trying to solve a crime? Maybe both.
Some of these places are a little sketchy.
But I'm all over it, man.
Well, do you need any help? Because, uh I'm good at this kind of stuff and you're - I'm good at this kind of stuff.
- I've got it covered.
Okay? Ye of little faith.
Hot! Hot, fuck.
I always forget.
What just happened? I believe we've fallen and we can't get up.
No, my back.
What just happened to my back? You hurt it trying to help me.
I just read an article about how this happens all the time.
There was this guy who was trying to get his wife out of a bathtub and they both drowned.
Oh, that is a terrible story! Oh, it gets worse.
I expect this kind of thing from my wrists and my ankles and my knees and my hips.
But my back was never like those assholes.
I wouldn't do that.
This isn't gonna work for me, Frankie.
We have a meeting with Marla at 4:00.
- Oh, no.
- [moans.]
If your pain could talk, what would it say? It just said, "Ah!" Oh, that's muscle pain.
Mine is a disc problem, which is way worse.
I thought you were against competitive victimization.
Only when I'm losing.
Where's your Skeflaxin? In my studio with my Tiger Balm and my Backnobber III.
Hell, your Backnobber III is at the bottom of the pool with your Backnobber II.
Okay, it's in my studio with my Tiger Balm.
Look, we're gonna have to get somebody over here to get us some drugs, get us off the floor, and maybe put on our lipstick.
Oh, you don't have to put on lipstick for me.
For the meeting with the website that took me weeks to schedule! Oh, you are a tenacious little prairie dog.
Hey, where's your phone? Over there.
Oh, you're gonna have to be more specific.
In my studio.
Next to my Skeflaxin and Tiger Balm.
You'll pass the landline on your way.
You might as well stop and use that.
That's the best idea you've had since Irish coffee popsicles.
I don't want to miss the meeting, either.
You're in my path.
I'm going to have to roll over you.
Oh, you know me, I'll try anything once.
Oh Ah! - Oh, God.
- Ow! Ow! [both groaning.]
One of your bones is jabbing my breast.
Yeah, well right back at you, sister.
- Oh, Grace.
- What? I probably don't say this often enough, but you are a striking woman.
Oh, thank you.
[Grace grunts.]
Look at this beautiful fruit salad.
I've really outdone my bad self.
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
This is shaping up to be a very gay brunch.
Might as well go all the way.
Wine spritzers? Maybe we should butch it up with some Bloody Marys.
Not with your heartburn, we can't.
Ah, no.
Of course not.
We'll just leave out the horseradish.
And the tomato juice.
And the hot sauce.
- Yeah, we'll leave those out, too.
- Then it's just vodka.
That's all I really wanted.
Did you really have heartburn last night or was it something else? Sweetheart, it was just a bad night.
Trust me, it wasn't you.
I just wasn't feeling well.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
- [doorbell rings.]
- I'll get it.
- John.
- Robert.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Sol.
- John.
Oh, God, your house is beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you guys for having me over.
Well, I think the rule is when you burst in and start screaming like a crazy person at an ex-priest who's only giving water to his golden retriever, you gotta have that man over for brunch.
Well, I'm glad to be here.
But can this mark the end of the rambling apology calls? - Absolutely.
- Probably not.
Are you gonna call 911? 911? God, no! That's for emergencies.
Oh, then I'll check back with you tomorrow.
- What about Jacob? - No, no, no.
He thinks I'm a powerful goddess.
- He can't see me like this.
- Oh, God.
So we'll call your boys.
Isn't that what sons are for? No, I can't call Coyote.
He doesn't have a car.
And as you know, Bud is not in the mood for enmeshment.
Plus, his back is not great.
What about your girls? My girls just told me I was at the age when children start caring for parents.
I will not prove them right.
Well, we'll just have to call Rudy at Rudy's Pizza.
If you don't mind, I'd prefer Rudy not see me like this.
Oh, believe me.
He's seen worse.
You think I've never been stuck in the tub? Uh, Frankie this is the TV remote.
Oh, great.
I could use some River Monsters right about now.
Why is the TV remote in the phone cradle? So I'll remember where it is.
Well, how do you remember where the phone is? With great difficulty.
In case you haven't noticed, people don't even know who we are or what we are selling.
This meeting is the first chance we've had at distribution! It's okay, I'm with you.
Don't flip out.
Just hit the pager button thingy on the base thingy.
[phone chirps across room.]
Fuck me in the eye.
The thing is, guys, I can't argue with anything Bud said.
What about the stuff he said about your music? He said he can't argue with it.
Let's just No, he's right about everything.
Yes, it's time I find my own place.
I need to get my own life.
Hey, you're only 35.
I mean, what's the rush? Okay, there has to be some place decent in your price range.
Oh, you bet.
Fo sho.
Checking out a great sitch this afternoon.
What kind of sitch? Well, it's the bottom floor of an older gentleman's house, and he asked me if I enjoy giving back rubs.
Lucky for both of us, I do.
All right, my friend Debbie has a brother named Kevin and he lives with four guys in one of those old Victorian shitholes.
What about your mom's yurt? - It exploded.
- What? Did you not hear about the explosion? - It was on the news, right? - Yeah.
How did I not know about this? Anyway, I saw this ad this morning.
I thought I could go check that out.
"Albert 'The Duke' Dukmejian's real estate.
The expert in affordable alternative living.
" I like "affordable," and you're definitely "alternative.
" Great, let's go check out this sitch.
Or, more likely, have a man named "The Duke" show us his penis.
We can do a watermelon spritzer, grapefruit spritzer - I can even do strawberry.
- What are you having? - Just straight vodka.
- I'll have that.
Okay, I'll drink my fizzy wine alone.
- It is so peaceful back here.
- Yeah, yeah So, listen, when you were in the confessional did anyone ever tell you about seeing, you know people who aren't there um, ghosts or apparitions, spirits even? I was really hoping to talk about the Chargers, but, uh go ahead, my son.
So last night, Sol and I Well, we were in the bedroom and we were just a John.
Rocks or neat? It doesn't matter, Sol, just fill them up to the top.
Uh, rocks for me.
Everything okay? Yeah, we're just talking about the Chargers.
You know, football.
Oh, carry on.
Look, I know this sounds crazy but just as Sol and I were about to, you know Again, I know it's crazy, but I saw a vision of my mother.
Where? She was sitting in her wheelchair, right here in our bedroom.
That's crazy, right? I'm guessing you haven't told Sol.
Oh, God, no.
He'd want to talk about it for days and days and days.
So why are you telling me? Because you'll be leaving here in an hour.
But why are you really telling me? Listen, nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
And you were a priest.
I don't know whether I need absolution or if I should check myself into a psych ward.
I'm sure whatever's going on with you can be explained.
How about them Chargers?! Every time I come out here you're huddled in some secret conversation! What the hell is going on between you two? This quiche better be good.
Oh! Oh, man! Oh, honey, why don't you crawl over here and forage with me? We're floor people now.
Look, I found some peppermints and two pennies.
You can put them on top of my eyelids when I die.
The peppermints.
And by the way, if I go first, you have permission to eat me.
But not my face.
I don't understand why you're being so negative.
You know how important meeting Marla is for us.
You're supposed to be my partner! I am being your partner.
You're living in a dreamscape, Grace.
Even if you get to the phone, it's too late to get someone over here to help us in time for the meeting.
I will not give up.
Fine! Then I will do it for you.
Ah! What are you doing? I'm cancelling the meeting.
- You wouldn't dare! - Oh, wouldn't I? - You don't know Marla's number.
- Oh, don't I? Or did I write it and the address of her office on my forearm because you always say I'm so sucky with navigation? - Ha! - [gasps.]
Beep, beep! Eat my floor dust! Ah! [groaning.]
Don't you dare cancel that meeting, Frankie.
[Frankie groans.]
Well, this is very Making A Murderer, isn't it? - [gasps.]
A boat! - [man.]
Hey, howdy, folks.
Come on in.
Have a look-see.
- [dog barking loudly.]
- Don't worry, I chained that dog up.
[nervous exhaling.]
Albert "the Duke" Dukmejian.
- All right.
- Coyote.
- Mallory.
- Hello, Mallory.
- And Brianna.
- Hi, Bree.
- Brianna.
- Brianna.
Well, feel free to look around, folks.
Everything here is for sale, including this jacket.
I am digging that jacket.
I knew we were too far off the freeway.
Can we please get the hell out of here? I smell meth.
We drove all the way here.
Let's at least look around.
- Okay? - Yeah.
I think I might have partied in this.
Oh, Jesus.
Do you want to live in this food truck? Well it does have a big kitchen.
- Oh, my God, you guys! - Run! It's too late for Mallory! No, come here.
This is awesome.
Scared the shit out of me.
Look! Oh, dear Lord, it's a tiny house.
Is this for little people? No! Don't you ever watch Tiny House Hunters? You know how I feel about tiny houses.
What do you have against tiny houses? What don't I have against tiny houses? Look, I'm all for sustainable living, I don't need some smug, whimsy-loving tiny-house fascist making me feel guilty because I don't care to sleep sitting up! - That's harsh.
- Oh, is it? Or is "harsh" cooking Brussels sprouts on your stove-top and then hot-boxing yourself to death with your own farts? Know what show I wanna watch? Tiny House Hunters Hunters! I love this tiny porch.
And it's going to make it look like I've got a lot of stuff.
Hey, Duke, is this for sale? - Everything's for sale! - [chuckles.]
I'm never coming over.
- ["William Tell Overture" playing.]
- [both grunting.]
- I'm getting to that phone first.
- No.
- No, you can't.
- What do you mean, "no"? Yes! Listen to your limits.
I'm not gonna give up.
Let go of me.
- We're gonna do this.
- That's your hat, joke's on you! Grace, no.
Ah! Aah! [Robert.]
The only lunatic at this table is me, Sol.
When you saw your mother, was she in bed with us? Oh, God, no.
But, like, my face wasn't her face, was it? No, but thanks for putting that in my head.
You know, in answer to your question from before, I've heard lots of stories like that in the confessional.
It's not all that uncommon.
See that? Of course you conjured your mother.
That was a very hard visit you had with her, so it makes perfect sense that it rattled you.
He came out to his mother.
I think you buried the lead here.
She's still alive? You can't kill what's already dead.
What was that like? How did it go? Well, I've had better times with the IRS.
Will you walk me through what happened last night? When you saw her did she say anything? She didn't have to.
I knew she was thinking, "See you in hell, Bobby.
" She really thinks you're going to hell? Mother was a big believer in the fire and brimstone.
What about you? Do you think you're going to hell? Of course he doesn't.
Robert? I think some of the teachings of the church cast very long shadows.
Right, but you don't actually believe in an omnipotent God who can send you to hell? I don't know.
Do you really believe God's angry when you eat lobster? Yes, I do.
But God isn't sending me to burn for all of eternity.
Well, then I guess it's a question of degrees, Sol.
I agree.
I've always thought religion is most beneficial when it's taken à la carte.
Look, I know that hell isn't really a place.
But I don't know that, too.
There is this part of me, somewhere, that believes hell is exactly where I'm going.
But, if we're true to ourselves and love each other the way we do how can we be sinners? I struggled with this too.
But a very wise priest gave me another way to look at it.
The afterlife is how you're remembered by the living.
Hitler was evil.
He will always be remembered as evil.
He's in hell.
Mother Teresa is holy and good.
She will always be remembered for that.
That's heaven.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's a really beautiful way to look at it.
That really shakes everything up.
- You're welcome? - Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Oh, my sweet goyishe boy.
You two have nothing to worry about.
You'll both be remembered well.
Who doesn't love divorce lawyers? - [both.]
- [all chuckling.]
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- What's happening? - [door closes.]
I got a place.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Where? - [chuckling.]
I bought a house, man.
- With money? - Yeah.
It's the coolest thing.
I found a tiny house.
- Like the ones Brianna hates? Ah! - Yeah! So this scores on a lot of levels.
So, uh, when do you leave? Well right now.
Like now-now? Yeah, you wanted me out.
I'm out.
I know, but, you know, I just, uh got us a pizza.
Well, I could stay for one last meal.
What's the matter? I don't know.
It's just fast and I thought, um Dude.
Are you gonna miss me? Yeah.
I think I am.
Well, you know, I just gave the down payment.
- I could go back - No! No! No, no, no.
Pizza and then I will help you move this stuff out of here.
Can you even fit a full-size pizza in that house? - No.
Personal pan only.
- Oh.
Thanks for having me over for dessert.
Thanks for everything you've done for me.
- I mean, since we were kids.
- Ah! You're my brother.
I'm glad Mom bought you.
I'm glad Mom bought you, too.
Where did you get that killer jacket? Duke gave me a really good deal on it.
It's nice, right? I think I owe him a couple of back rubs.
I am the winner! Oh, you don't look like the winner.
More like Mother Time's mother.
You're right.
What is the matter with me? Aah! How can I run a business when I can't even get off the floor? My daughters are right.
I can't do this.
I'm old! Before, when I was young [grunts.]
there was this big oak tree in the backyard.
I could shoot up that sucker faster than any boy in the neighborhood.
The best part was getting to the tippy-top and looking down at the world.
You do love that.
When I was up there, I thought I could do anything.
See, inside, I still feel like that little girl but I know I'm just fooling myself.
Every day my body tries to tell me how old I am but today is the first day I hear it.
It sure is a hard thing to hear.
I got a new bike on my ninth birthday.
I remember swerving through the marching band at the Fourth of July parade.
Oh, they were so mad.
So you know what I mean.
I do.
- And that little girl is not gone.
- [scoffs.]
Don't even try.
Okay, I won't.
But I still see her in you when you're giving me shit about being a sucky navigator - or you're chucking towels and hats at me.
- [chuckles.]
Really? You're still climbing trees.
Only now they're banks and incubators.
I wouldn't be your partner if I didn't think you could get us to the tippy-top.
Thank you, Frankie.
Thank you.
Give me the phone.
You calling Marla? Nope.
I just thought of who could help us make our meeting.
[Frankie chuckles.]
Okay, I'm afraid I have a little pinched nerve in my right shoulder, so I'll have to use my left side.
I've got sciatica on my left side, so my right is better.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Now, remember, to lift with your legs, not with your back.
And bend your knees like so.
- Knees are shot, I'll leverage my ankles.
- That's not gonna work.
Will one of you geezers help me up off this flipping floor? Here we go.
One, two, three.
- [men grunting.]
- [groans.]
- Are you okay? - Not even close.
- But I am up.
- Hello? Other ex-wife down over here.
- Grace, I have to ask you something - I don't think it's a disc.
- It's something muscular.
- Oh, good, good.
Listen, I know I wasn't in any way your dream husband or even a good one.
- What? - But, listen to me.
I just really hope that someday, maybe after I'm gone, you'll remember me well.
I know I'll always remember you picking me up off the floor.
If that ever happens.
Here we go.
- Yes! - [Grace sighs.]
Now, raise your hand if you're good with lipstick.
Thank you so much, Marla, for accommodating us.
Of course.
Is everything all right? Oh, sure! It's just we've been running around today because we overscheduled ourselves.
Plus, we wanted you to see our headquarters and our wonderful wares.
I gotta say, I can't wait to hear your story.
You guys are really impressive.
Of course we are! [both.]
We're Vybrant! - Is it too hot? - Shh.
[Leon Bridges' "Smooth Sailin'" playing.]
I don't really know Her destination But I got a feeling I get to be your passenger Sugar, let me be your passenger - Sugar, said I like the way - Like the way - Said I like the way - Like the way You sail your ship down Let me be your cargo I won't wear you down No, honey, I won't I want you - Sugar, said I like the way - Like the way - Said I like the way - Like the way You sail your ship down Let me be your cargo I won't wear you down No, honey I won't Wear you down [woman.]
Okay, good night.

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