Grace and Frankie (2015) s03e11 Episode Script
The Other Vibrator
1 [Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [waves rolling in.]
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
[door closes.]
Are we closed for some minor national holiday my "Minor National Holiday" calendar didn't tell me about? Nope.
Just done for the day.
But it's only 9:30.
Well, I got up at six and got everything done.
If I'm going to be doing this alone, I better start practicing.
[chuckles.]
Turns out, I can accomplish quite a lot without all the nonsensical chatter.
But I thought we were going to talk to our lawyer about Omni Tech together.
And I thought we were going to stop calling my free-spirited ruminations "nonsensical chatter.
" Well, I've already talked to Cheryl and approved the final draft of the cease-and-desist letter that she's sending, so everything's done.
Can we talk, please? Can we? I'll make you a martini.
This ain't your momma's tea.
Well, I'd at least like to see the letter.
It's done, Frankie.
I did it.
I'd like to co-did it.
I mean, I'm the co-doer of things in this company and it would be nice to be on the other side of a cease-and-desist for once.
Ooh, that reminds me, the Magicians' Union called again.
Oh, them.
Here.
Well, thank you.
Let's see.
Uh-huh.
Well, first off, the date is wrong, it's not July.
It is, in fact, July.
Right, right.
I was just testing you.
Unless you were testing me.
No, no, I know it's July.
- Are you gonna read that thing or not? - I'm reading.
I mean, paragraph three is a real quagmire.
When does it end with the "there-tos" and "here-to-fores" because I'm trapped in the world's longest run-on sentence.
I know the feeling.
Well, you go off on your own, you run the risk of getting notes.
Well, I guess going off on my own feels like the thing to do these days.
Okay, let's unpack that last remark a little.
Have you unpacked your stuff with Jacob? Well, no, I wanted to do it with you first.
I can't help you there, Frankie.
If I tell you to leave, you're gonna think I don't care.
If I tell you to stay, you're gonna resent me for keeping you from your boyfriend.
It's a lose-lose.
You're gonna have to talk to somebody else.
But you're the one I want to talk to.
Well, I am going upstairs.
I am disappearing, see? Oh, just my legs now.
And I'm gone.
[Robert whistling indistinct tune.]
Wondering who those jerks are? Yes, I was.
Hello, Steve.
Hey, Robert.
Everything okay? It's just a little understudy humor.
But really, is everything okay? Yes, Steve, everything is fine.
Who are they? Oh, some church group from El Cajon.
They always do this.
It's because we're a gay theater group.
They're harmless, just ignore them.
After last night's stumble-through, they're really the least of our problems.
So kind.
Thank you, Steve.
Age before beauty.
Understudy before star.
[man on TV.]
As you exhale, bring your head up to your knees and reach between your legs Great happy baby, Mom.
Thanks, it's all in the sphincters.
Yeah, you're really nailing it.
Super troubling.
You got to breathe, Bud.
Oh, is that what my problem is, that I'm not breathing? Because I thought my problem was that yoga is terrible.
Agh.
You're right.
I hate this.
- [turns off TV.]
- Bugles, anyone? Since when do you hate yoga, Mom? Oh, I don't know.
I guess since I started wondering if I'd like Santa Fe.
- Are you going to Santa Fe? - Maybe.
You will love it.
There's all these really cool art galleries on Canyon Road.
And the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.
Don't forget that desert siren.
I stayed in this village of biohomes there once.
Are you and Jacob planning a trip? Kind of.
He's thinking maybe of perhaps moving there.
And he sort of suggested that I might consider coming with him to live.
- In New Mexico? - Forever? What's forever? - A lot of crime in Santa Fe.
- My biohome smelled like burps.
I think Georgia O'Keeffe hated Jews.
Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you like this.
Grace won't talk to me, so I have to talk to somebody.
No, no.
It's okay, Mom.
We just didn't know that you two were so serious.
- He's my guy.
- That's great.
I guess we were just hoping to get to know him a little better, and that you would get to know Allison a little better, and that Allison and Jacob would get to know each other a little better.
Is there a reason why we should be getting to know Allison better? Is there? Whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
I mean, we've sort of talked about talking about taking the next step.
You have? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
So, good.
You may be taking steps, I may be taking steps.
- So steps are good, right? - What about Grace? I know how much you two depend on each other.
She must be really upset by all of this.
Who knows? She won't talk to me.
Her emotions can often come locked in a hard outer shell.
Kind of like a Tootsie Pop.
You have to lick it down and then just bite the hell out of it.
Well I've seen you take down many a Tootsie Pop.
So, are you going? I have no freaking idea.
I just know I need to figure it out.
Whatever you decide, we'll be okay.
I mean, I'll ugly cry and Coyote will write a series of alt-rock song crimes.
Which I will treasure.
And Santa Fe is just a plane, train or automobile away.
I can't afford any of those, but I bet there's a bus.
The bus makes you so sick.
That's me.
Oh, I knew it was one of you.
Yeah.
- Like that? - Right.
- Are we waiting till they come outside? - Yeah.
[low chatter continues.]
I'm sorry, I have a real problem with this.
I don't care for your signs.
- Free speech.
- Is a right, not an alibi.
What? You in the "show"? Unfortunately, no.
I wasn't cast.
I'm bringing a surprise lunch for my husband, who plays John Adams.
Oh, last time I checked John Adams wasn't a homosexual.
Actually, historians are still debating the sexuality of a number of our founding fathers.
Well, I guess you and your other gaywads can debate that in hell.
The only people here with tickets to hell are you and your friends.
You need to step back.
Freedom of speech, freedom to stand anywhere I want.
- Step back.
- Get your finger out of my chest.
Don't make me say it again, faggot.
What did you just call me? I think I called you a cocksucking faggot! Oh, that's just Daddy, I'm wet! - What is wrong with you? - [stammers.]
I I - [man.]
Get out of here.
- Yeah.
What is he? Why are there children here? Oh! [door opens.]
Hey.
Where are you going all duded up? I don't know.
Shopping.
- New lipstick.
Extra-popped collar.
- [sighs.]
I'm guessing a thong.
All right, I'm shopping and then going straight to Robert's opening night.
[sniffs.]
You're wearing your power cologne.
It's over, lady.
You're toast.
Spill it.
All right, I'll tell you where I'm going, but you are not coming.
And t'where am I allegedly not coming? - Omni Tech.
- Oh, the letter worked! Well, our lawyer is sitting down this afternoon with their lawyers and me.
This is huge, Grace! Give me five, I'll go put on a knee-length concert tee.
No need to break out the formal wear.
I've got it covered.
You're about to confront The Man, which is historically my thing.
Oh, I thought getting your hair caught in the ice machine was "your thing.
" Hey, I lost a lot of hair that day.
And may I remind you again that I am still half of this company? And I am going where you're going whether you want me to or not.
I'm like beach erosion, Grace: I'm happening.
Oh, God.
All right, but we let the lawyer do the talking.
You do not talk.
I don't talk.
Got it? Fine, but I'm driving.
[scoffs.]
I'm driving.
That is the second set of my car keys that disappeared down that sewer grate.
I didn't drop this set, you did.
Yeah, because you screamed, "He's after you!" Because I thought I saw a bat.
And had it been a bat, which I realize now it was not, it would have been rabid, and you'd be thanking me for saving your life.
You're the one hanging fruit in the trees with a sign that says, "For Bats.
" They have to eat.
And this is your Panic Alert? Yes, it is.
This car didn't come with any bells and whistles, so I use it as an OnStar.
It's because it's basically a golf cart.
And for that rude remark, I'm gonna make you talk about your feelings.
Nope.
You don't talk, I don't talk, remember? So, let's practice.
Fine.
[Frankie on recording.]
Hello, Frankie.
Hope you're feeling extra good today.
I almost got attacked by a bat, but other than that, I'm good.
Now remember: you don't have to look outside yourself.
You have everything you need inside.
- I do.
- Are you kidding me? You said you didn't want to talk.
But I didn't think I'd have to listen to a conversation between you and you.
Sometimes life sends you a wonderful surprise.
- Now, just close your eyes - [sighs.]
Get No! - I am healthy, brilliant - It was just a tiny veer over the line.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather - I thought you left.
- Red leather Well, clearly, I have not.
And I'm late for our last rehearsal, which believe me, I need.
- Can I help? What are you looking for? - My mints.
Abigail Adams has been complaining about my breath.
While I remain silent, she drowns me with her spittle.
Ta-da! Ah! Thank you.
Now, what else do I need? What else do I Oh! You're going to have a great opening night.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
There's plenty to be nervous about.
Peter continues to restage my opening number, my feet look like two loaves of bread baked in those ridiculous shoes.
And, oh, do you remember those protesters I told you about? Um Uh-huh.
Well, apparently some self-righteous idiot got into a fight with one of them and threw a beverage at an innocent child.
- I wouldn't call him an idiot.
- I would.
You don't engage people like that.
That's how you give them power.
Now they've tripled in number.
And there was a reporter at the theater this morning interviewing everybody.
- A reporter? - Yes, a reporter.
My understudy told me all about it after he got interviewed and photographed, of course.
Well, maybe the publicity will sell tickets.
Sol, this is the kind of publicity that un-sells tickets.
The owner of the theater is threatening to close the show after tonight's performance.
We may very well become the Moose Murders of La Jolla! I don't know what Moose Murders is, but it sounds bad.
It is bad! Oh, God Am I bad? Is that why my understudy is hanging around all the time? Maybe the protestors should shut us down.
I never should've done the show in the first place.
You're spinning out.
I know! I'm a mess! Hold me! Nobody's going to close the show, I promise.
And you're going to be great.
- I am? - Yes.
And if you get nervous, just look for me out in the audience.
I'll be the boy sitting there with stars in his eyes.
Okay.
That helps.
Thank you, boy with the stars in his eyes.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
[voice fades.]
Red leather, yellow leather My clients have an extensive paper trail covering the research and development of the Ménage à Moi, down to every last email, fax, letter and package doodle.
Well, our client has an extensive paper trail, too.
Which I'm betting begins after the article appeared on Flapper - about my clients' product.
- What are you looking for, Cheryl? For starters, you could drop the attitude, Keith.
And after I consider doing that? You admit your wrongdoing so we can all get out of here.
Why don't we do this? Why don't we go through your letter point by point Tell me what's going on, so I know what to fake interest in.
That's Nick Skolka.
He runs this place.
- Hello, Mr.
Skolka.
- Welcome to the Death Star.
Nick Skolka.
And you are? Grace Hanson.
Frankie Bergstein.
So nice to meet you, Mr.
Skullcap.
Please, my father was Mr.
Skullcap.
Call me Mr.
Skolka.
I'm still hearing "Skullcap.
" - What are you ladies doing here? - Suing you for patent infringement.
Oh, get in line.
Am I right, Keith? Actually, sir, we asked you not to come into these meetings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did I steal from you? No, not steal.
Don't say "steal.
" [clears throat.]
Our vibrator.
Wow.
I have a whole bunch of follow-up questions.
Our lawyer has all the answers.
- I don't love lawyers.
Right, Keith? - Yes, Dad.
Everyone with a fancy pen and a legal pad get the fuck out of here.
I do not think that is a good idea.
Keith you left the Innocence Project for a reason.
You can go, too, Cheryl.
I do not advise that.
I also do not advise that.
Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes? [silent mouthing.]
I got this.
[man.]
Let's go.
But the other guys aren't here yet.
Okay.
Franklin hands it to Livingston, Livingston hands it to Jefferson, Jefferson gives it to me, and I do this.
Mr.
Sherman, I say you should write it You are never controversial As it were - That is true - Whereas if I'm the one to do it They'll run their quill pens Through it I'm obnoxious and disliked You know that, sir Yes, I do Then I say you should write it, Roger - Yes, you - Good heavens, no You, Roger Sherman, you - But - You - But - You Stop! Stop! Stop! [sighs.]
How did my life lead me here? Lot of mistakes, that's how.
And where are the rest of the people in this number? Good question.
They can't find parking because of the protestors.
Great.
Where are our families supposed to park? Can't we do something about those awful people? Can I take care of you awful people first? Does anyone remember this quill choreography? - I do! - Thank God.
Show us, please, Steve.
It's, uh, very simple.
You just Yes, you, Roger Sherman You! Roger pushes it back.
You! He pushes it again.
You! Roger takes it.
I was doing that From the top! [knock on door.]
Come in! Hey.
Whoa.
This place feels huge now.
It's like the White House.
That's what you wear to an opening? What? These are beautifully stonewashed.
- With mustard? - Oh, shit.
I just ate a bunch of mustard.
[chuckles.]
Pretty crazy about Mom, right? I really don't want her to move.
Neither do I, but I guess we're gonna have to get cool with it.
Unless you're thinking Reverse Parent Trap? Using tactics from The Goonies? It could work.
Oh, it could totally work.
Or I could just go with her.
My tiny house does have wheels.
But you don't have a car so would you just rickshaw it the whole way there, or Shut up.
No, it's too far.
I'm almost ready.
Sorry.
Did you mean that stuff you said about you and Allison getting serious? I mean yeah.
- So marriage has come up? - Once or twice.
With her.
Like, you marrying Allison.
You marrying her.
- Do you have a problem with that? - No.
But you got to admit, she is a little off.
You're a little off.
The last time we went to dinner she talked to her food.
She was apologizing to her food because she was about to eat it.
Oh, you mean like a person that's a little off would.
Oh, my God.
You know what, stop ragging on my girlfriend.
It's really hard to get excited about a future with someone when you guys are always shitting on her.
- I'm not shitting on her.
- Yes, you are.
You all do.
And I'm sick of it.
[sighs.]
Which left us no choice but to write that letter asking Omni Tech to cease production on its Très Belle vibrator.
What a coincidence.
You have a vibrator with a French name, too.
Think you invented giving French names to sexy things? Yeah.
Aren't you too big for this? We're small potatoes.
You're not small potatoes, Nick.
You're huge.
And I got this huge by having my way with little companies like yours.
Well, how do you think it would look if the press got a hold of this? "Omni Tech taking advantage of a couple of little old ladies.
" I don't see a couple of little old ladies.
[chuckles.]
Well, I do.
Okay, let me see if I've got this figured out.
You're the kooky one.
And you're the most spectacular woman I've ever met.
Let me cut to your chase.
You're not crazy about lawyers.
I'm certainly not crazy about lawyers, I used to be married to one.
Surely there's some way that we can work this out on our own.
I have an idea.
How about I make this whole thing go away over dinner? Hey, I know I'm hungry.
Oh, no.
Stop right there.
Let me set the record straight.
Us sitting on this table was a power thing, not a sex thing.
- Frankie - Yes, you may argue that power and sex are the same thing, and I might agree with you under different circumstances.
What's happening? You just have to let her tire herself out.
I just ate a whole bunch of nuts and I can go on for days.
- But you're not going to.
- Oh, yes, I am.
You need to knock it off and quit cribbing our shit.
Oh, do I? Let's you and me go talk about this.
Oh, we'll talk about it, all right when we take you to court.
- Is that what we're gonna do? - Yes.
Let me sidebar with my partner for a minute No need for a sidebar.
You are vile and your company is disreputable.
Okay.
I'll see you in court.
- [Grace sighs.]
- At least I'll get to see you again.
Oh, this is great! I'm pumped.
You're pumped? Oh, that's good 'cause we're fucked.
[chanting.]
Gays go home! Oh, where's your Pepsi? Oh, it was actually an artisanal soda called "Mr.
Bubbly.
" I just wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day and say I hope we can set our differences aside and let the good thespians Lesbians! of the New Lear Community Theater enjoy their big night.
- What, you gonna throw those at us now? - No! As a proud protestor myself, I know the importance of staying hydrated.
I've fainted many times in the hot sun, and even though it's almost 6:30, the sun's rays can still hurt us.
So I present this water as a peace offering.
I hope we can all learn to live in a space of mutual respect.
Oh! That's nice.
Great example for your son.
Wasting water during a drought.
Look who's talking about good examples.
Go home.
Gays go home! [chanting.]
Gays go home! Lovely.
That's just lovely.
Gays go home! [chanting continues.]
- [man.]
Forty-five minutes to curtain.
- Paul! Where is Paul? We need to run the Mr.
Adams number again.
I don't know.
He went to Popeye's half an hour ago.
I think he got held up by those protesters.
Why are you everywhere? Hate is not a family value! Neither is throwing soda on a child! I was trying to throw it at you! [crowd yelling.]
I'll get you.
I'm gonna get you! I don't know why you're mad at me.
I'm mad at you because I had him exactly where I wanted him.
Where? In 1961 in the Playboy Mansion? Oh, I know how to handle guys like that.
I've been doing it my whole life.
Just because I was going to dinner with him doesn't mean it was going any further.
It was one bad day at the office.
We'll fix it.
"We'll"? There's no more "we'll.
" - That's not true.
- Oh, yes, it is.
Because half of "we'll" is abandoning me.
And why wouldn't I? You're acting like I've already left.
You wrote this letter without me, you were going to this meeting without me.
I don't even know if I'm going yet.
Of course you're going.
Santa Fe is the place you've been dressing for your entire life.
Don't you understand that this is an impossible choice? I don't want to lose Jacob, I don't want to lose you.
What am I supposed to do? Oh, I told you.
I can't tell you what to do.
Well, you can say something.
- Like what? - I don't know, like, "Don't go, I'll miss you.
" Or something a human being might think or feel.
You think I don't feel anything about this? I don't know what you feel, you won't talk to me.
There's nothing to talk about until you decide whether you're gonna run off with your boyfriend.
What would you have done if things had worked out with Phil? Would we all be living together at the beach house, because I don't think so.
Why the hell would you bring up Phil? I'm just saying I Make a hard left on Ferderd.
- [horn honking.]
- [man.]
Let's go! It's green, Frankie, go! [honking.]
Frankie, go! - Frankie? - [mumbling.]
Frankie? [slurred, indistinct speech.]
Oh, my God.
Frankie! [woman on speaker.]
Ms.
Bergstein? Is everything okay? [Grace.]
We need help! Frankie? [Bishop Briggs' "River" playing.]
Tales of an endless heart Cursed is a fool who's willing Can't change the way we are One kiss away from killing Don't you say Don't you say it Don't say Don't you say it One breath It'll just break it So shut your mouth And run me like a river Shut you mouth Baby, stand and deliver Oh, oh Like a river [woman.]
Okay, good night.
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [waves rolling in.]
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
[door closes.]
Are we closed for some minor national holiday my "Minor National Holiday" calendar didn't tell me about? Nope.
Just done for the day.
But it's only 9:30.
Well, I got up at six and got everything done.
If I'm going to be doing this alone, I better start practicing.
[chuckles.]
Turns out, I can accomplish quite a lot without all the nonsensical chatter.
But I thought we were going to talk to our lawyer about Omni Tech together.
And I thought we were going to stop calling my free-spirited ruminations "nonsensical chatter.
" Well, I've already talked to Cheryl and approved the final draft of the cease-and-desist letter that she's sending, so everything's done.
Can we talk, please? Can we? I'll make you a martini.
This ain't your momma's tea.
Well, I'd at least like to see the letter.
It's done, Frankie.
I did it.
I'd like to co-did it.
I mean, I'm the co-doer of things in this company and it would be nice to be on the other side of a cease-and-desist for once.
Ooh, that reminds me, the Magicians' Union called again.
Oh, them.
Here.
Well, thank you.
Let's see.
Uh-huh.
Well, first off, the date is wrong, it's not July.
It is, in fact, July.
Right, right.
I was just testing you.
Unless you were testing me.
No, no, I know it's July.
- Are you gonna read that thing or not? - I'm reading.
I mean, paragraph three is a real quagmire.
When does it end with the "there-tos" and "here-to-fores" because I'm trapped in the world's longest run-on sentence.
I know the feeling.
Well, you go off on your own, you run the risk of getting notes.
Well, I guess going off on my own feels like the thing to do these days.
Okay, let's unpack that last remark a little.
Have you unpacked your stuff with Jacob? Well, no, I wanted to do it with you first.
I can't help you there, Frankie.
If I tell you to leave, you're gonna think I don't care.
If I tell you to stay, you're gonna resent me for keeping you from your boyfriend.
It's a lose-lose.
You're gonna have to talk to somebody else.
But you're the one I want to talk to.
Well, I am going upstairs.
I am disappearing, see? Oh, just my legs now.
And I'm gone.
[Robert whistling indistinct tune.]
Wondering who those jerks are? Yes, I was.
Hello, Steve.
Hey, Robert.
Everything okay? It's just a little understudy humor.
But really, is everything okay? Yes, Steve, everything is fine.
Who are they? Oh, some church group from El Cajon.
They always do this.
It's because we're a gay theater group.
They're harmless, just ignore them.
After last night's stumble-through, they're really the least of our problems.
So kind.
Thank you, Steve.
Age before beauty.
Understudy before star.
[man on TV.]
As you exhale, bring your head up to your knees and reach between your legs Great happy baby, Mom.
Thanks, it's all in the sphincters.
Yeah, you're really nailing it.
Super troubling.
You got to breathe, Bud.
Oh, is that what my problem is, that I'm not breathing? Because I thought my problem was that yoga is terrible.
Agh.
You're right.
I hate this.
- [turns off TV.]
- Bugles, anyone? Since when do you hate yoga, Mom? Oh, I don't know.
I guess since I started wondering if I'd like Santa Fe.
- Are you going to Santa Fe? - Maybe.
You will love it.
There's all these really cool art galleries on Canyon Road.
And the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.
Don't forget that desert siren.
I stayed in this village of biohomes there once.
Are you and Jacob planning a trip? Kind of.
He's thinking maybe of perhaps moving there.
And he sort of suggested that I might consider coming with him to live.
- In New Mexico? - Forever? What's forever? - A lot of crime in Santa Fe.
- My biohome smelled like burps.
I think Georgia O'Keeffe hated Jews.
Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you like this.
Grace won't talk to me, so I have to talk to somebody.
No, no.
It's okay, Mom.
We just didn't know that you two were so serious.
- He's my guy.
- That's great.
I guess we were just hoping to get to know him a little better, and that you would get to know Allison a little better, and that Allison and Jacob would get to know each other a little better.
Is there a reason why we should be getting to know Allison better? Is there? Whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
I mean, we've sort of talked about talking about taking the next step.
You have? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
So, good.
You may be taking steps, I may be taking steps.
- So steps are good, right? - What about Grace? I know how much you two depend on each other.
She must be really upset by all of this.
Who knows? She won't talk to me.
Her emotions can often come locked in a hard outer shell.
Kind of like a Tootsie Pop.
You have to lick it down and then just bite the hell out of it.
Well I've seen you take down many a Tootsie Pop.
So, are you going? I have no freaking idea.
I just know I need to figure it out.
Whatever you decide, we'll be okay.
I mean, I'll ugly cry and Coyote will write a series of alt-rock song crimes.
Which I will treasure.
And Santa Fe is just a plane, train or automobile away.
I can't afford any of those, but I bet there's a bus.
The bus makes you so sick.
That's me.
Oh, I knew it was one of you.
Yeah.
- Like that? - Right.
- Are we waiting till they come outside? - Yeah.
[low chatter continues.]
I'm sorry, I have a real problem with this.
I don't care for your signs.
- Free speech.
- Is a right, not an alibi.
What? You in the "show"? Unfortunately, no.
I wasn't cast.
I'm bringing a surprise lunch for my husband, who plays John Adams.
Oh, last time I checked John Adams wasn't a homosexual.
Actually, historians are still debating the sexuality of a number of our founding fathers.
Well, I guess you and your other gaywads can debate that in hell.
The only people here with tickets to hell are you and your friends.
You need to step back.
Freedom of speech, freedom to stand anywhere I want.
- Step back.
- Get your finger out of my chest.
Don't make me say it again, faggot.
What did you just call me? I think I called you a cocksucking faggot! Oh, that's just Daddy, I'm wet! - What is wrong with you? - [stammers.]
I I - [man.]
Get out of here.
- Yeah.
What is he? Why are there children here? Oh! [door opens.]
Hey.
Where are you going all duded up? I don't know.
Shopping.
- New lipstick.
Extra-popped collar.
- [sighs.]
I'm guessing a thong.
All right, I'm shopping and then going straight to Robert's opening night.
[sniffs.]
You're wearing your power cologne.
It's over, lady.
You're toast.
Spill it.
All right, I'll tell you where I'm going, but you are not coming.
And t'where am I allegedly not coming? - Omni Tech.
- Oh, the letter worked! Well, our lawyer is sitting down this afternoon with their lawyers and me.
This is huge, Grace! Give me five, I'll go put on a knee-length concert tee.
No need to break out the formal wear.
I've got it covered.
You're about to confront The Man, which is historically my thing.
Oh, I thought getting your hair caught in the ice machine was "your thing.
" Hey, I lost a lot of hair that day.
And may I remind you again that I am still half of this company? And I am going where you're going whether you want me to or not.
I'm like beach erosion, Grace: I'm happening.
Oh, God.
All right, but we let the lawyer do the talking.
You do not talk.
I don't talk.
Got it? Fine, but I'm driving.
[scoffs.]
I'm driving.
That is the second set of my car keys that disappeared down that sewer grate.
I didn't drop this set, you did.
Yeah, because you screamed, "He's after you!" Because I thought I saw a bat.
And had it been a bat, which I realize now it was not, it would have been rabid, and you'd be thanking me for saving your life.
You're the one hanging fruit in the trees with a sign that says, "For Bats.
" They have to eat.
And this is your Panic Alert? Yes, it is.
This car didn't come with any bells and whistles, so I use it as an OnStar.
It's because it's basically a golf cart.
And for that rude remark, I'm gonna make you talk about your feelings.
Nope.
You don't talk, I don't talk, remember? So, let's practice.
Fine.
[Frankie on recording.]
Hello, Frankie.
Hope you're feeling extra good today.
I almost got attacked by a bat, but other than that, I'm good.
Now remember: you don't have to look outside yourself.
You have everything you need inside.
- I do.
- Are you kidding me? You said you didn't want to talk.
But I didn't think I'd have to listen to a conversation between you and you.
Sometimes life sends you a wonderful surprise.
- Now, just close your eyes - [sighs.]
Get No! - I am healthy, brilliant - It was just a tiny veer over the line.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather - I thought you left.
- Red leather Well, clearly, I have not.
And I'm late for our last rehearsal, which believe me, I need.
- Can I help? What are you looking for? - My mints.
Abigail Adams has been complaining about my breath.
While I remain silent, she drowns me with her spittle.
Ta-da! Ah! Thank you.
Now, what else do I need? What else do I Oh! You're going to have a great opening night.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
There's plenty to be nervous about.
Peter continues to restage my opening number, my feet look like two loaves of bread baked in those ridiculous shoes.
And, oh, do you remember those protesters I told you about? Um Uh-huh.
Well, apparently some self-righteous idiot got into a fight with one of them and threw a beverage at an innocent child.
- I wouldn't call him an idiot.
- I would.
You don't engage people like that.
That's how you give them power.
Now they've tripled in number.
And there was a reporter at the theater this morning interviewing everybody.
- A reporter? - Yes, a reporter.
My understudy told me all about it after he got interviewed and photographed, of course.
Well, maybe the publicity will sell tickets.
Sol, this is the kind of publicity that un-sells tickets.
The owner of the theater is threatening to close the show after tonight's performance.
We may very well become the Moose Murders of La Jolla! I don't know what Moose Murders is, but it sounds bad.
It is bad! Oh, God Am I bad? Is that why my understudy is hanging around all the time? Maybe the protestors should shut us down.
I never should've done the show in the first place.
You're spinning out.
I know! I'm a mess! Hold me! Nobody's going to close the show, I promise.
And you're going to be great.
- I am? - Yes.
And if you get nervous, just look for me out in the audience.
I'll be the boy sitting there with stars in his eyes.
Okay.
That helps.
Thank you, boy with the stars in his eyes.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
[voice fades.]
Red leather, yellow leather My clients have an extensive paper trail covering the research and development of the Ménage à Moi, down to every last email, fax, letter and package doodle.
Well, our client has an extensive paper trail, too.
Which I'm betting begins after the article appeared on Flapper - about my clients' product.
- What are you looking for, Cheryl? For starters, you could drop the attitude, Keith.
And after I consider doing that? You admit your wrongdoing so we can all get out of here.
Why don't we do this? Why don't we go through your letter point by point Tell me what's going on, so I know what to fake interest in.
That's Nick Skolka.
He runs this place.
- Hello, Mr.
Skolka.
- Welcome to the Death Star.
Nick Skolka.
And you are? Grace Hanson.
Frankie Bergstein.
So nice to meet you, Mr.
Skullcap.
Please, my father was Mr.
Skullcap.
Call me Mr.
Skolka.
I'm still hearing "Skullcap.
" - What are you ladies doing here? - Suing you for patent infringement.
Oh, get in line.
Am I right, Keith? Actually, sir, we asked you not to come into these meetings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did I steal from you? No, not steal.
Don't say "steal.
" [clears throat.]
Our vibrator.
Wow.
I have a whole bunch of follow-up questions.
Our lawyer has all the answers.
- I don't love lawyers.
Right, Keith? - Yes, Dad.
Everyone with a fancy pen and a legal pad get the fuck out of here.
I do not think that is a good idea.
Keith you left the Innocence Project for a reason.
You can go, too, Cheryl.
I do not advise that.
I also do not advise that.
Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes? [silent mouthing.]
I got this.
[man.]
Let's go.
But the other guys aren't here yet.
Okay.
Franklin hands it to Livingston, Livingston hands it to Jefferson, Jefferson gives it to me, and I do this.
Mr.
Sherman, I say you should write it You are never controversial As it were - That is true - Whereas if I'm the one to do it They'll run their quill pens Through it I'm obnoxious and disliked You know that, sir Yes, I do Then I say you should write it, Roger - Yes, you - Good heavens, no You, Roger Sherman, you - But - You - But - You Stop! Stop! Stop! [sighs.]
How did my life lead me here? Lot of mistakes, that's how.
And where are the rest of the people in this number? Good question.
They can't find parking because of the protestors.
Great.
Where are our families supposed to park? Can't we do something about those awful people? Can I take care of you awful people first? Does anyone remember this quill choreography? - I do! - Thank God.
Show us, please, Steve.
It's, uh, very simple.
You just Yes, you, Roger Sherman You! Roger pushes it back.
You! He pushes it again.
You! Roger takes it.
I was doing that From the top! [knock on door.]
Come in! Hey.
Whoa.
This place feels huge now.
It's like the White House.
That's what you wear to an opening? What? These are beautifully stonewashed.
- With mustard? - Oh, shit.
I just ate a bunch of mustard.
[chuckles.]
Pretty crazy about Mom, right? I really don't want her to move.
Neither do I, but I guess we're gonna have to get cool with it.
Unless you're thinking Reverse Parent Trap? Using tactics from The Goonies? It could work.
Oh, it could totally work.
Or I could just go with her.
My tiny house does have wheels.
But you don't have a car so would you just rickshaw it the whole way there, or Shut up.
No, it's too far.
I'm almost ready.
Sorry.
Did you mean that stuff you said about you and Allison getting serious? I mean yeah.
- So marriage has come up? - Once or twice.
With her.
Like, you marrying Allison.
You marrying her.
- Do you have a problem with that? - No.
But you got to admit, she is a little off.
You're a little off.
The last time we went to dinner she talked to her food.
She was apologizing to her food because she was about to eat it.
Oh, you mean like a person that's a little off would.
Oh, my God.
You know what, stop ragging on my girlfriend.
It's really hard to get excited about a future with someone when you guys are always shitting on her.
- I'm not shitting on her.
- Yes, you are.
You all do.
And I'm sick of it.
[sighs.]
Which left us no choice but to write that letter asking Omni Tech to cease production on its Très Belle vibrator.
What a coincidence.
You have a vibrator with a French name, too.
Think you invented giving French names to sexy things? Yeah.
Aren't you too big for this? We're small potatoes.
You're not small potatoes, Nick.
You're huge.
And I got this huge by having my way with little companies like yours.
Well, how do you think it would look if the press got a hold of this? "Omni Tech taking advantage of a couple of little old ladies.
" I don't see a couple of little old ladies.
[chuckles.]
Well, I do.
Okay, let me see if I've got this figured out.
You're the kooky one.
And you're the most spectacular woman I've ever met.
Let me cut to your chase.
You're not crazy about lawyers.
I'm certainly not crazy about lawyers, I used to be married to one.
Surely there's some way that we can work this out on our own.
I have an idea.
How about I make this whole thing go away over dinner? Hey, I know I'm hungry.
Oh, no.
Stop right there.
Let me set the record straight.
Us sitting on this table was a power thing, not a sex thing.
- Frankie - Yes, you may argue that power and sex are the same thing, and I might agree with you under different circumstances.
What's happening? You just have to let her tire herself out.
I just ate a whole bunch of nuts and I can go on for days.
- But you're not going to.
- Oh, yes, I am.
You need to knock it off and quit cribbing our shit.
Oh, do I? Let's you and me go talk about this.
Oh, we'll talk about it, all right when we take you to court.
- Is that what we're gonna do? - Yes.
Let me sidebar with my partner for a minute No need for a sidebar.
You are vile and your company is disreputable.
Okay.
I'll see you in court.
- [Grace sighs.]
- At least I'll get to see you again.
Oh, this is great! I'm pumped.
You're pumped? Oh, that's good 'cause we're fucked.
[chanting.]
Gays go home! Oh, where's your Pepsi? Oh, it was actually an artisanal soda called "Mr.
Bubbly.
" I just wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day and say I hope we can set our differences aside and let the good thespians Lesbians! of the New Lear Community Theater enjoy their big night.
- What, you gonna throw those at us now? - No! As a proud protestor myself, I know the importance of staying hydrated.
I've fainted many times in the hot sun, and even though it's almost 6:30, the sun's rays can still hurt us.
So I present this water as a peace offering.
I hope we can all learn to live in a space of mutual respect.
Oh! That's nice.
Great example for your son.
Wasting water during a drought.
Look who's talking about good examples.
Go home.
Gays go home! [chanting.]
Gays go home! Lovely.
That's just lovely.
Gays go home! [chanting continues.]
- [man.]
Forty-five minutes to curtain.
- Paul! Where is Paul? We need to run the Mr.
Adams number again.
I don't know.
He went to Popeye's half an hour ago.
I think he got held up by those protesters.
Why are you everywhere? Hate is not a family value! Neither is throwing soda on a child! I was trying to throw it at you! [crowd yelling.]
I'll get you.
I'm gonna get you! I don't know why you're mad at me.
I'm mad at you because I had him exactly where I wanted him.
Where? In 1961 in the Playboy Mansion? Oh, I know how to handle guys like that.
I've been doing it my whole life.
Just because I was going to dinner with him doesn't mean it was going any further.
It was one bad day at the office.
We'll fix it.
"We'll"? There's no more "we'll.
" - That's not true.
- Oh, yes, it is.
Because half of "we'll" is abandoning me.
And why wouldn't I? You're acting like I've already left.
You wrote this letter without me, you were going to this meeting without me.
I don't even know if I'm going yet.
Of course you're going.
Santa Fe is the place you've been dressing for your entire life.
Don't you understand that this is an impossible choice? I don't want to lose Jacob, I don't want to lose you.
What am I supposed to do? Oh, I told you.
I can't tell you what to do.
Well, you can say something.
- Like what? - I don't know, like, "Don't go, I'll miss you.
" Or something a human being might think or feel.
You think I don't feel anything about this? I don't know what you feel, you won't talk to me.
There's nothing to talk about until you decide whether you're gonna run off with your boyfriend.
What would you have done if things had worked out with Phil? Would we all be living together at the beach house, because I don't think so.
Why the hell would you bring up Phil? I'm just saying I Make a hard left on Ferderd.
- [horn honking.]
- [man.]
Let's go! It's green, Frankie, go! [honking.]
Frankie, go! - Frankie? - [mumbling.]
Frankie? [slurred, indistinct speech.]
Oh, my God.
Frankie! [woman on speaker.]
Ms.
Bergstein? Is everything okay? [Grace.]
We need help! Frankie? [Bishop Briggs' "River" playing.]
Tales of an endless heart Cursed is a fool who's willing Can't change the way we are One kiss away from killing Don't you say Don't you say it Don't say Don't you say it One breath It'll just break it So shut your mouth And run me like a river Shut you mouth Baby, stand and deliver Oh, oh Like a river [woman.]
Okay, good night.