Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

The Lodger

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [GRACE.]
So, let me get this straight.
You were belly dancing on the beach and decided that you needed to cool off by going skinny-dipping, and you forgot where you left your clothes.
Oh, my God, I am having such adéjà vu right now.
Maybe one of those beagles swooped down and took it.
You mean a seagull.
- No, maybe I mean an eagle.
- Yeah.
Oh! - Oh! - Hey! - Look at that.
- [GASPS.]
- There she be! Great.
Now all we have to do is find your top.
Okay, we're looking for two gold nipple graduation cap thingies.
Tassels? Grace, you have a word for everything.
There actually are words for everything.
You crack me up.
Oh, okay.
- So funny.
- [GRACE.]
You're like a dictionary.
- [GRACE.]
There's a beagle! - [WOMAN LAUGHS.]
Or is it an eagle? [WOMAN.]
No, it's the other one you said.
Shoo! Shoo! The Santa Fe light has so much to teach me, Jacob.
It's like you think you know what a cactus looks like, but then, the light says, "Look again, lady.
You don't know.
" Honey, Tai Chi is all about hearing what the Zen masters called "the soundless sound.
" - Of course! - [LOUD CLANGING.]
It's just so big.
I'm not sure how I'd walk into my house Now available in travel size! Fits discreetly into your purse.
Or in the seat-cubby of your walker.
Great! I love your jackalope.
It moves me.
I feel the fur.
And thank you for this gorgeous eggplant, Fred.
You're so welcome.
That's your fourth sale today.
Santa Fe loves you.
It really does.
- Ooh.
Hey, Grandma.
No, it's Frankie.
About to be known as Grandma.
Oh, hush, hush, hush, hush.
You can't call me that yet.
Two more months, and even then, not Grandma.
I'm trying to decide between Mee-maw, Gabba-Gabba, or Adele.
Oh, good, I was hoping Santa Fe would make you weirder.
Yeah, but a weekend with you will level me out.
Oh, God, I'm thrilled that Bud and Allison are having this ridiculous whatever-it-is party so I can see you.
Me, too.
But a gender reveal party is not ridiculous, Grace.
I mean, obviously, we're also gonna need to have a gender decision party when the child is 12.
Can't wait.
Oh, Frankie, remember you're gonna be in the guest room.
Sheree's in the studio now.
Why can't the lodger sleep somewhere else? Because the "lodger" is paying us actual rent.
Oh, and Frankie, you need to sign her lease.
What time do you land tomorrow? My plane gets in at 12:20.
Oh, well, you're definitely gonna miss that flight.
And most likely the one after that.
Good chance.
So I'll meet you at the airport three flights after the one you were supposed to come in on.
I feel so known.
I told you, Sol, you can't block the entrance to the Build-A-Bear.
Those kids and creepy adults get very angry.
But we did good this time, Terry.
Channel Seven was there.
They put us on the midday news.
I'm sure it was a hit with all the pets whose owners left the TV on for them.
Eyeballs, Robert.
It's all about the eyeballs.
Now Tallwater Commons will be known as the mall that kicked out two women for kissing.
Don't you guys usually do these protests with a big group? We do.
Dedicated resistance fighters all.
So how come you two are the only ones who ever get arrested? - They're younger.
They can run.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad to be home, and I can't believe that I haven't even talked to my grandbaby in utero yet.
Little help here? Oh, there's so much to teach him/her before he/she even gets born.
Frankie, what the hell do you have in here? Oh, just some highly-personalized chunky turquoise jewelry I bought for everyone from the world's greatest city.
That must have set you back a pretty pumpkin.
So? Did you sign up for that dating site I signed you up for? Yes.
And oddly enough, I didn't find the love of my life on Hippie-Round-Up-dot-com.
You've got to open up your mind, Grace.
- Old hippies are the best lovers.
- Well, Sol's an old hippie.
He was always a very giving lover.
If a bit distracted.
Like the time he called me "Robert.
" Which, in retrospect, makes a lot of sense.
- Did Robert ever call you - No! Did he ever say, "That's all," but what he was really saying was, "That's Sol"? There was no talking.
No, it was all a very silent, separate experience.
Everyone was left to their own thoughts.
Which is why you need an old hippie.
They bring the ruckus every night.
Well, my ruckus is just fine, thank you.
Oh, really? Are you seeing someone? Are you holding out on me? No! No! No, no, no, of course not, no.
How are you and Jacob doing? Oh, he's a dream.
He takes me camping in the desert, he makes breakfast for me every morning, he reads to me every night.
And he didn't even mind when I adopted a pack of stray dogs.
So it's working out perfectly.
That's what I figured.
I'm happy for you, Frankie.
Thank you.
Do you know anyone who wants a stray dog? [SHEREE.]
Hey, hon, I'm back with the groceries! - Who's that? - Sheree.
Who's "hon"? I'm "hon.
" What happened to my pet name for you? "Kevin" never really caught on.
Oh, there she is! Oh, the famous Frankie.
I feel like I know you already.
Can I give you a hug? Or is that weird? We don't have to hug.
Okay, let's not.
Yes, we do.
It's a good thing I'm not allergic to rhinestones.
Oh, that is a good thing.
Sheree's cooking dinner in your honor.
So it'll be the three of us for dinner? I'm making my famous chicken pot pie.
It's deep-fried so you don't even taste the vegetables.
Also, there aren't vegetables in it.
I can honestly say it's the most delicious thing I ever tasted.
Well, to be fair, you are new to food.
That's great, Sheree, but unfortunately, I'm a vegan.
Grace told me already, so I'm making a fried potato pot pie for you.
And if it sounds rich, you're welcome to work it off with us on Dance Night.
You dance? Like, for joy? I don't know who Joy is, but can she do this? Bam, bam, bam, bam Ah, bam, bam, bam, bam - Ah, ooh, ah - Ooh, ooh, ah - What the hell is going on here? - [SHEREE.]
- Hey! - Hi.
Sharon still thinks I work here.
Asked me to get toner for the copy machine.
- Which you did.
- Which I did.
But I drew the line at changing out the water cooler.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
How'd your interview go with Lauren? It was really good.
- Do you know she and her husband - Are both named Lauren? Yeah.
- Lauren and Loren.
It's perverse.
- It's cute.
It's not cute.
You're right.
If you don't want me taking a job with a competitor She's not my competitor, she's my nemesis.
She said very nice things about you.
- She said you were smart and funny.
- [SIGHS.]
Barry, Barry, Barry that is her game.
She plays all cute and cuddly until she rips your face off.
Did she tell you about the first time we met? I was wearing a yellow skirt, and then the next time I saw her, she was wearing a yellow skirt.
We talked mainly about tax law.
- She's a bitch, Barry.
- Okay, she's a bitch.
I'll see you at home.
Big old bitch! If you need to pee, you need to pee.
Just go.
I am not going in that thing, Sol.
Nobody cares if you pee.
Right, guys? Shut the fuck up! - See? - Those two idiots.
- It's fine.
We're always out of here in a couple hours.
I'll just hold it.
I don't want to say anything, but I told you to go before the protest.
I did! And if you hadn't insisted I stay hydrated and bought me that Jamba Juice, I'd be fine.
Uh, Terry? I can't let Robert use the employee john again.
I got in trouble last time.
No worries.
But do you know when we're getting released? I need an ETA so he doesn't get a UTI.
I'm sorry, Sol.
Nobody gets processed over the weekend, so you're in for the night this time, pal.
Guess what? If you're gonna say "cheddar biscuits," I'm gonna love you forever.
You're gonna love me forever.
Did I just see you and Sheree do a Top Gun high-five? Yeah.
I've been trying to get you to do a Top Gun high-five for years.
With her, it's natural.
You want it too much.
When did you two get so close? She's been doing my nails for 20 years.
We enjoy each other.
She had no place to go when her husband died.
She has no children, no family.
So, she needed a friend.
I didn't realize she had no family.
- [GRACE.]
- Sheree, I'm so sorry about your husband.
That's really sweet of you.
It was a pretty tough go there, but Grace was a godsend.
Oh, no, you're the godsend.
You're good company, you cook, you clean, you clean while you cook.
I can get touch-ups anytime I want.
This is a real nail artist.
- Oh - That's so great.
I'm more an artist artist.
- Show her.
- Oh, no.
Come here.
She's modest.
Look at this.
Look at that.
My God.
What is that, Guantanamo Bay? It's the view from our house.
- Now I see it.
- It's beautiful.
So, Grace, shouldn't we talk about the business? You know, forecasts, market-what-have-yous, the update on the Santa Fe office.
Yeah, how are things in our "Santa Fe office"? Oh, well, lots of politics.
A hornet's nest.
I'm sorry, Sheree, we have to do this.
No, Sheree doesn't mind.
In fact, she has a good head for it.
It was her idea for me to do the pop-up store in her salons.
Well, sure, all kinds of ideas pop up now that we're established.
You know, Grace and I fought the early battles.
We had to take on this evil corporate raider with these dastardly eyebrows.
Well, I'm not a business person like you.
Well Nobody's a business person like her.
No one.
Well, if you are interested, I do have another idea.
How about selling them on cruises? Fancy older people love cruises.
Well, that is genius.
The early bird buffets! Adult extension courses! Tom Hanks movies! - Oh! I love Tom Hanks! - I know.
Everybody does.
How does he do it every single time? He's always good.
Am I the only one here who has seen Larry Crowne? I'm sorry.
I I've got jet lag.
You gained an hour.
I'm just gonna chill in my meditation room.
Frankie! No, no, it's the one place that really returns me to myself.
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah.
- Holy fu Keep it down.
What happened here? I know it's a bit much, but Sheree makes all those little figurines herself.
She painted them with nail polish.
See the one of me? Looks just like you, Kevin.
I think last night took misery to a new level.
You might want to think about one of those sleep apnea machines.
Terry, we really have to be somewhere by 1:00 today.
Did you make said request upon booking your room? Very funny.
But I need to find out the sex of my son's baby.
Holy shit, Bud's having his kid today? Well, not today.
- Today is his gender reveal party.
- Bud's? I didn't know he was making that choice.
No, no, no, his baby's.
Nowadays young people celebrate finding out their baby's sex.
Oh, so it's like a baby shower? It's a party before the baby shower.
Do you get him a present or how does that work? I don't know.
Robert, did we get him anything? Jesus! Okay, that's it.
We're out of here.
I'm doing what we should have done last night.
- No.
- We are calling Judge Hempstead.
We can't.
It's wrong to use our connections as two privileged white men.
Call the damn judge so I don't have to hear another fucking word about the gender reveal party.
And, yes, you should bring a present.
Balloons are nice.
It's Judge Hempstead.
Hello, miniature lodger.
It's Sunday.
Time for church.
Oh, no! Jacob, I'm so sorry! I'm on my way to the airport right now.
Please don't be mad.
Frankie, we agreed I'd take a taxi from the airport because you wouldn't remember to pick me up.
What? Yeah.
Uh, no doubt.
No doubt.
Anyway, I'm taking a later flight.
I ended up giving my seat away.
Some lady had a service animal.
Ha! All those people are all con artists.
I don't know, Frankie, she was pretty blind.
Good on you.
Good on you.
So, how was your girls' night with Grace? You could have come with me yesterday.
We didn't have our night.
The lodger crashed it.
And get this, Grace wants to give the lodger a lease.
But she's very nice.
What the hell happened to your face? Girl Scouts get really pissed when you only buy one box.
What? Why are you laughing? No, it's make-up, Mal.
- See? Look.
- [SIGHS.]
Nadia's been practicing on me for her make-up artist class.
Last Saturday night she gave me chicken pox and a smoky eye.
You two really need to start having sex.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I know.
- Mm-hmm.
Only six more weeks till she gets her one-year chip.
And I'm doing this the right way.
Sometimes doing the right thing will give you an even greater high than drugs.
Really? No.
Not at all.
Where are the kids? Um, it's Mitch's weekend at the house.
- How are they doing? - They seem to be doing fine.
Yesterday, they got upset when he couldn't take them to soccer practice.
But it turns out it's just because Daddy got a new car that they wanted to ride in.
What kind of car? Porsche.
He's getting laid, isn't he? - Like a doctor in a Porsche.
- [SIGHS.]
That's really what I want to think about.
Mal, um, if you can't take me home, is there any chance that Mitch could pick me up? Wow.
That's really cold.
- Hi.
- Morning! - How about a muffin? - Are they deep-fried? No, but I put Rolos in them.
Listen, Sheree, Rolo muffins aside but to be clear, this does change everything we know about muffins how is Grace holding up? Oh, she's doing great.
Well, she acts like she's doing great, but when I left, she was, frankly, devastated.
You don't have to worry about our friend.
I'm here for her, and she's got that great guy.
A guy? Right.
I love that guy.
What's not to love? He's loaded, he's handsome.
Right, I love that rich, handsome guy with the, uh face.
Oh! That fine face.
And that hair.
And, uh, okay, what the hell, I'm just gonna say it that ass.
- So bad.
- Um How do you pronounce his name? It's so hard on the phone, with all the syllables, the different spellings I think it's pronounced Nick.
Of course, there could be an "H.
" Right.
Wait a minute.
Is this him? No.
That's a naked picture of you.
Oh, my God.
Is this him? That's another picture of you.
- Is this him? Oh, yeah.
That's a Nick pic.
I wonder if that's how they came up with that term.
Oh, my God.
You are dating the guy who tried to steal our business! He wasn't trying to steal our business.
It was just his way of flirting.
Oh, like how Hitler flirted with Poland.
How did you find out about Nick? Have you been grilling my roommate? Well, someone has to start filling me in on what's going on here.
Was it Sheree's idea for you to date him? [SCOFFS.]
Okay, well, he's wrong for you on every level.
Why? Because he doesn't drive a car that runs on millet? He is a soulless corporate monster! Well, I'm sorry that I'm not dating a hippie who's still reeling from the break-up of Creedence Clearwater Revival.
They were brothers! They should have worked it out! Look, it's no big deal, okay? It's just casual between me and Nick.
Has he been inside you? You make me sound like a fort.
Well? - Yes.
- Oh, God, this is worse than I thought.
Did I not have any effect on you? Because without me, you have lost your bearings, lady.
You're eating carbs, dancing.
Where is that empty robot I left? See, that is the point! You left.
It's so funny how you keep forgetting that part.
What is your problem? My problem is that you have erased me! I moved on, just like you did.
Well, the way you moved on was all wrong.
Well, according to you.
It's working for me.
I mean, give me a break.
You're gonna get on a plane in two days.
You don't have to worry about it, so would you just sign the lease and give Sheree some security and give me some peace of mind, please? [SIGHS.]
You're right.
I'm sorry.
This is your house with Sheree now.
Oh, my God, this is a 30-year lease! It's a three-year lease! I don't have my glasses.
Just sign right here.
"In other words, the anti-feminist backlash was set off not by women's achievement of full equality, but by the increased possibility that they might win it.
" Now more relevant than ever, Mom.
But perhaps it's time to give Allison a little break.
All right, but we've got to get started reading The Feminine Mystique.
I didn't get to read that to you till later.
Yes, but it still shaped me as a four-year-old.
Other kids had Yertle the Turtle, but I showed them Betty Friedan was fun, too.
Is this why you got beat up a lot? Well, also, I was Betty Friedan for Halloween.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Three Halloweens in a row.
- No.
- Ah! - Ah! - [LAUGHS.]
- Ah! At least someone's happy to see me who did not run out and get a new roommate.
Well, actually, Barry moved in a week ago.
- Oh, my God! - Frankie.
Barry! Oh, I am so out of the loop! How did she even get you to come back to San Diego? - Really deep heart-to-hearts.
- Freaky sex stuff.
Well, I feel terrible.
I got everyone else chunky turquoise jewelry except you.
Oh, he can have mine.
My turn! Ah! Oh! [LAUGHS.]
T-minus ten minutes until the reveal revelry begins! - [FRANKIE.]
Yes! - Yes.
You guys are a little ripe.
We didn't have time to go home and freshen up after prison.
Oh, no.
I've been there.
But what's with the bologna smell? When we were on the inside, we used the sandwiches they gave us as tiny pillows.
You're getting really good at this.
Coming from you that means something.
Heartwarming father-son chat.
I can feel his little behind.
- Those must be his testicles.
- But those are my boobs.
So sorry that I dragged you into this awful Bud-Allison narcissistic "we're the first people to ever have a baby" bullshit.
Well, I'm okay with it.
Just like I will be for the baby shower, the baby-naming, not to mention the first birthday party.
Seriously, how many times do we have to celebrate that Allison took a load? You are such a romantic.
I've taken a million loads.
Nobody's ever thrown a party for me.
- What? - So just tell me when you want to leave and we will get out of here whenever you want.
Thank you.
- You want to leave? - I'm okay.
- How about now? - Okay, stop it.
Let's go back to the group.
If I lived here, my hands would never leave this belly.
Oh, that's nice.
Bud? Yes? Is there anything I can get for you? Well, there is one thing Can I? Please, God, not here.
She gets whatever she needs.
- Ew! Ew, ew, ew! - Bud, no! It's a pregnancy thing.
Okay? She likes to inhale the pheromones.
Thanks, babe.
I just needed a quick hit.
There's no way I am going to get through this sober.
Oh, God, I miss this.
Like, you miss this specifically? Well, yeah, it's part of the pregnancy.
I don't want to miss a thing.
What if you decide to get married on the spur of the moment? We're not there yet, Mom.
Yeah, we have like 17 baby parties to get through first.
Frankie, are you still stashing up in your studio? There are five.
Five more parties.
I want one of those.
You never drink this early.
What's the matter? Mitch got a sex car.
And? He's a doctor in a Porsche, Mom.
He's clearly on the prowl.
Look, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you choose to leave him? Well, yeah, but Why is everybody whining about decisions they made? God, you and Frankie, what a pair.
I'm not whining.
I'm lamenting.
You know what you should be? Fuming.
Anger solves everything.
No, no, no.
I am no good at getting angry.
Oh, you're my daughter.
It's in your blood.
You want to take your emotions and crush them into a diamond and hurl them at the person you're mad at.
And then you can move on.
Thanks, Mommy.
You're always so good at the mushy stuff.
It's just Oh, my God.
I feel like I walked into a cupcake on the Serengeti.
We're gonna have to get high just to match this room.
Where is it again? Behind the shingle with the hook.
Where's my drafting table? And where's my pleather couch? Oh, my God.
She got the vindaloo stain out of the ceiling.
Goodbye, character.
Frankie, I get that it's a little weird, but you had to see this coming.
Well, maybe not this exactly.
I don't think anyone could have predicted this.
What do you think of Sheree? She's nice.
Mom seems good.
She does.
Are you gonna hang onto that joint all day? Is this the same stuff from when I ruined Thanksgiving by talking in an Australian accent the whole night? [MIMICS ACCENT.]
Please pass the kangaroo, mate.
- What the hell? - It still makes me laugh.
What are you reading, nosy? A deposition.
About what? About Sheree.
From her stepson.
And here's another one from her stepdaughter.
I didn't know that she had stepchildren.
Neither does Grace.
That is a little weird.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
I found it hard Tried to reserve I'll get it right When I am heard Hot for me - The man's his own - Hot for me - To her he'll go - Hot for me - But I'll be fine - Hot for me 'Cause I know He's in her heart On the floor Thinking that I'll never know I'll be up going through Crazy shit I did for you In my mind, in my head Seeing all the words unsaid Honey, honey I am never coming home again You've been lying so Honey, I'm not your honey pie [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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