Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e10 Episode Script
The Death Stick
1 Grace & Frankie 4x10 "The Death Stick" Jan 19, 2018 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [FRANKIE GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, mopesy.
You know what might make you feel better is changing the leak bucket.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna need a reflective surface to gaze sadly into later, and you won't let me have a well.
Let me guess.
You're cyber-stalking Winnie again.
Yes.
And get this, some guy named Chester Davenport liked a picture of Winnie and Jacob playing Frisbee golf.
Her friends sound like a-holes.
You realize that's just making you feel worse.
I know.
I just polished off a tub of what I thought was cheese dip.
Yeah.
I know, I read your status update.
[SIGHS.]
Why don't you go see your granddaughter? Are you kidding? Faith gets exposed to even a whiff of my toxic negativity at her age and she is on the child-actor track.
Well, you're the one that said that breaking up was the right thing to do.
I know.
I know, but it's so hard to see Jacob gallivanting around the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum like I was never even banned from there.
Well, let's stop using Facebook to torture ourselves, and use it to read our customer testimonials.
That always cheers you up.
So does ramen, but I have to really be in the mood, and the weather's been just too warm lately.
Okay, here's one from Heywood Jablomie Okay, that's clearly Brianna.
Oh, Harriet posted again.
You love Harriet! Oh, I am a fan of our biggest fan.
"Ladies, greetings from San Juan Capistrano! Just ordered a half-dozen for the gals I did jury duty with.
And a mini for the woman who definitely robbed that bank!" Oh, God, that is classic Harriet.
Is there a new picture? [GRACE.]
Let's see.
There.
Oh.
That's her look.
Outer space librarian.
God, I love her.
Hey, Frances.
What do you say we have an adventure? Are you gonna finally take me to the world's largest Slip 'N Slide? You know what? Instead of sliding down what smells like a giant urinal, let's go see Harriet.
Let's just show up at her house and surprise her.
Well, she may not be there.
What if she's trapped in the mall overnight again? We'll just wait for her.
This is a good day to drive up the coast.
Go get dressed and I'll get her address.
Can we bring her some freebies? We can bring her a whole gift basket of extra Ménages and your yam lube.
Can there be balloons? Vagina balloons? For the first time ever, I'm gonna answer that question with a yes.
Ah! - So, who wants to start? - I'll start.
If that's okay with you.
I think that would be great.
Very well.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Today, you'll hear two stories.
One, clear-eyed and level-headed, the other, a jumble of too many emotions.
My husband will disarm you with his welcoming eyes and warm temperament, then distract from the facts with his loud feelings, which are clearly [THERAPIST.]
Okay, Robert.
Robert.
I appreciate the effort behind your opening statement, but you're not here to win a case.
Thank you.
Obviously, one of us is new to therapy and needs a little guidance in the art of self-reflection.
I take responsibility.
As a longtime mental-health participant, I should have prepared him.
Okay, let me stop you right here.
No one is going to "win" today, and no one gets points for having done this before.
Thank you for acknowledging that I've done this before.
[THERAPIST CHUCKLES.]
Just tell me straight up.
Hmm? Why are you here? And thanks for the ride.
I'm pretty sure the mechanic's holding my car hostage.
- Want me to handle it for you? - That'd be great.
He's mean.
What time do you want me to pick you up tonight? Dinner's at eight.
Yeah No.
Another late night? Lauren is the worst thing to happen to my sex life since my IUD fell out at that Petco.
I promise she's not doing it to spite you.
We're really busy.
You know? Yes, and Say Grace is busy, too.
Okay? Unlike your horrible boss, I have respect for my employees' personal lives.
You fired Suzy for going home for her kid's bath time.
No, I did not.
I passive-aggressively shamed her in meetings until she elected to leave of her own volition.
Lauren's been nothing but professional.
And I know I said I could handle you hating her, but these daily diatribes are getting kind of old.
You know what's getting a little old is Lauren.
I just feel like I'm always coming in second.
Just because I couldn't go on one cruise, which was my idea in the first place, does not mean you come second.
And I must say, that's a rather rich accusation coming from you.
And why is that? Because he still thinks of Frankie as his soul mate.
Can you tell me more about that, Sol? I'm not sure I was being literal.
I was just musing.
He "mused" it to her the other day.
I have a complicated heart with many compartments.
It's a lot to manage.
That must have triggered some painful memories, especially considering what you shared about Sol's infidelity before your wedding.
I once again feel like I'm running a race against someone I can never beat.
The only thing going on between me and Frankie is our new grandchild.
If you don't count the all-night texting, and the all-day texting, and her dropping by all the time.
The texting bothers you because It didn't bother me at all until I found out how he still feels about her.
I have barrels of feelings.
Why are we cherry-picking this one? Because this is the one you kept from me.
Robert, are you worried that there's something inappropriate going on between Sol and Frankie? Well, I think when they're texting at 2:00 a.
m.
, it's not only John Oliver they're talking about.
It's only about 40 percent.
The rest is chitchat and patter.
I can only imagine.
Would it help if I let you read our text messages? Because I have nothing to hide.
Do you think that would help, Robert? Perhaps.
Okay, then that's your homework.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Of course, Robert isn't fluent in the language of emoji, so a lot will go over his head.
Oh, fats! We should have brought our camcorder to capture her reaction, like they do with Publishers Clearing House.
Well, you could use my phone, but you've lost your "my phone" privileges.
I have never felt more like Ed McMahon.
And I have actually felt Ed McMahon.
Hi! Is Harriet here? No, she's not.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Grace Hanson and this is Frankie Bergstein.
- Have you heard of us? - I can't say that I have.
Oh, what an interesting shape.
They're vaginas for Harriet.
Well, I guess if anyone celebrated their vagina, it was Harriet, poor thing.
Why do you say "poor thing"? Harriet passed away last week.
What? No, I'm just here to feed Harriet's parrot, Parriet.
I live next door.
She's dead? But I came here to be cheered up! Oh, jeez.
That's poor timing.
Well, what happened? She had a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
The word on the street is that she diddled herself to death.
- Diddled? - Yes.
With this humongous vibrator that she bought from some porno website for older ladies.
Oh, no.
I thought she was getting them from us.
She talked about it all the time.
Now, I barely knew Harriet.
I'm really just friends with Parriet.
I'm sure it wasn't her vibrator that killed her.
No, it was.
Apparently, when they found her, it was still buzzing.
Oh, was that for Harriet? [STAMMERS.]
No, it's for us.
- We won it at the Stop & Shop.
- The carnival.
Stop & Shop Carnival.
Behind the Stop & Shop store.
She forgot her purse there, so we better get going.
Bye now.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Frankie! Look, this is tragic, but it was not our fault.
Kind of feels like our fault.
Look, she died doing what she loved.
There are worse ways to go.
Ask any of our friends who've died lately.
I can't, they're so dead! When has that ever stopped you? I packed an instrument of death into a box and sent a lady to her doom! In your defense, I don't think that any of the boxes you packed made it to our customers.
This was our biggest fan and we whacked her! Okay, you have to stop talking like that because we have a bigger problem here.
That lady told two strangers that Harriet died using our vibrator.
- Who else is she gonna tell? - The parrot? Oh, no.
They repeat everything! I think we have to start thinking about damage control.
Damage control? We killed a woman who trusted us! Yeah.
That's the damage we have to control.
Say Grace doesn't even surface on social media anymore.
Either they've forgotten about you or they see you as old-fashioned.
God, we're like a sad mall kiosk.
We're like the Piercing Pagoda that gave me that staph infection.
Why is Barry here? Barry? What's going on? [PANTING.]
Lauren is coming! She's parking.
- What? Why the fuck is Lauren here? - No idea.
- We were driving to lunch - You drive to lunch together? I don't have a car right now.
Can we talk about that later? I just Lauren from Natural Feces is parked in our handicap spot.
- What does she want? - Maybe trying to make things better? Make things better? She is the queen of lies.
- She is the devil's concubine Hi! - [SQUEALS.]
- Hey! - Surprise! I'll say! Wild honey from the bees in my hive.
It's pure magic.
[BRIANNA.]
Wow, you have a hive.
And you're here.
It's so much to process! Yeah, I know.
Right? Ugh.
Oh, my God.
You're not gonna believe this, but I have done something very similar in my office.
I do believe it.
You know, actually, it's my New York office, and it's in a brand-new building with a ton of natural light, - so it's different from what you have.
- Pretty big window here.
But, oh, wow! We always do this! You sure do! Stop copying me, you.
- You stop copying me.
- No, you.
[CHUCKLING.]
- Call a tow truck.
- Mm-hmm.
So that's when I figured it out: I was on the wrong private jet! - Oh, no.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Oh, my God.
Such a relatable problem.
Why are you here? I miss us.
Well, I miss my belly button ring, but some things are best yanked out and treated with antibiotics.
See? I miss that.
The banter.
The way we used to push each other and make each other better.
If it weren't for the fierce competition between us for all of those years, my company wouldn't be what it is today.
But sadly, those days are passed.
No, no, no, you used "sadly" wrong.
Oh, honey, I know Say Grace is in trouble, but I can help.
By buying you.
- What? - Oh, shit.
Okay.
Say Grace is not in trouble.
Yeah, The Rock just tweeted about us, so And we're not for sale.
Really? The Rock? Well, then I must have misunderstood all of your employees flocking to me with resumes in hand.
Can someone explain to me what's going on? Uh, it's Erica.
Okay, it has to be.
She steals toner, her boobs are real but terrible, now this.
No, it's no one, because no one is flocking to Lauren, because Lauren is making shit up, which is what Lauren does.
Listen, I know you have your pride, and I respect that.
All right, but you don't have to pretend with me.
I'm a friend.
You know, I was saying to my husband, Loren the other night - Oh, God.
Ew.
- after we made love, "Loren, what should I do with all the extra money I'm making?" And Loren said to me, "Lauren, you need to help somebody in need.
Like an Ethiopian child, or your friend, Brianna.
" Yeah.
You know, you should go home tonight and say to Loren, "Loren, I got really confused because Brianna and I are not friends.
" - Okay, but your company is in trouble.
- What is she talking about? Oh, Bar, did Brianna not You know what? I just assumed you guys share everything, like me and Loren.
I forget not everybody has that.
You should go now.
Oh, the cute sister's right.
All right.
You know what? I'll let you two catch up.
Actually, you take the rest of the day off, mister.
All right? But I am gonna need you in Saturday and Sunday.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [GRACE.]
Hey, Rocco.
It's Grace Hanson again.
Remember me? You broke my antique chair.
Anyway, my guest bath is still raining into my kitchen.
Can you get here before I have an indoor pool? Thanks.
What the hell are you doing? "This vibrator may cause severe death.
" Are you insane? You have to scream "fire" or people won't listen.
Haven't you ever been to a movie theater? Uh.
I needed to wax today, anyway.
We are not using these labels.
How are we supposed to stop another customer from picking up a loaded Ménage and playing a losing round of Rubbin' Roulette? You need to calm down.
- Calm down? - Yeah.
I got dumped by my boyfriend and I went on a killing spree! Look, this kind of crazy-eyed panic is exactly why I'm gonna deal with this on my own.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Remember our friend Marla from Flapper? No.
The lifestyle blogger.
Her article put us on the map.
Nothing.
Well, anyway, she's coming tomorrow to interview me about Harriet.
That way we can get ahead of the story and warn everybody so this never happens again.
So what about me? I don't even get to talk to her? No.
No.
How come I can't remember Marla? [GRACE.]
Because you're old! And I knew that b-turd of a woman was using you to humiliate me.
Why didn't you tell me the company was in trouble? Oh, because I didn't want you to know.
Did you ever think I could've helped you? How? We're beyond fussing with the budget, Barry.
Can't fix this problem with your TI-84.
- No, I just meant I could have - Could have what? Ridden in here on your white horse? Can't even ride in here in your gray Subaru.
Jesus Christ, Brianna.
I could have been there for you.
I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it's like to carry an entire company on your shoulders.
You know what? You're right.
I don't.
Well, what do you think? How many more haikus do I have to read? Seventeen.
Are my eyes bleeding yet? [CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
- What was that? - Nothing.
- Then you won't mind if I read it.
- Not at all.
Whose knees are these? They might not be knees at all.
- It's "hot dogs or legs.
" - What? It's a guessing game that's captivated the Internet.
Because, from a certain perspective, hot dogs look like legs.
I think this one is hot dogs.
Wait.
No Who's Roy? My "Both Tides Now" buddy.
I've mentioned him.
Actually, you haven't.
Sure, I did.
The one from the Captain's Dinner.
I remember hearing about the buffet at the Captain's Dinner.
That's where I met Roy.
We were making fun of the beef medallions.
Is he gay? Not that it matters, but yes.
Ha! No "ha.
" He's just a friend.
How often would you say you text with this Mr.
Beef Medallion? How about you stop interrogating me.
How about you give me your phone back so I know exactly what I'm interrogating you about.
No! I thought you had nothing to hide.
Fine, but I will not say another word without my therapist present.
[GRACE.]
Marla, I'm so grateful that you agreed to do this.
I thank you.
Yeah.
If it's okay, I'd like to record it on the phone.
Sure.
Yeah.
So what would you like to say to Harriet's family? Well, our hearts ache for their loss.
Yeah, Harriet was one of our best customers and we loved her dearly.
Are you concerned that your vibrator is not safe? Oh, not at all.
I mean, everyone should consult their doctor before using something as effective and exciting and affordable as our vibrator.
And we can be found online "Vybrant" is with a "Y.
" I guess my question is, is your vibrator too dangerous - for your target demographic? - Yes.
Well, you know, Marla, I have given that a lot of thought.
You know, is Ménage à Moi too dangerous? Is our new travel size, Mini Ménage, which is selling like hotcakes, is that too dangerous? I think the answer is no.
But I'm happy to continue the discussion at our next pop-up this Saturday in Mission Valley, outside Nordstrom Rack.
What is this, Hanson, the Home Shopping Network? You're supposed to be warning people! Frankie, I was hoping I could talk to you, too.
Well, it's happening.
We're murderers.
No, that is off the record.
It is so on the record.
It's the hot hit single.
A woman died here.
Her name was Harriet, uh I can't remember her last name.
But whatever it was, we can assume she wanted to live.
And I will not stand by and watch another innocent woman die because of our vibrator.
Oh, for Heaven's sake, she didn't die because of our vibrator.
Yes, she did! And it could have been me or you or Marla.
Anybody could have been Harriet! And the public has a right to know.
I'd especially like to warn Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
RBG, if you've received my packages, be careful.
We need you now more than ever.
Marla, how about you and I go out for lunch.
I know some places where she's not allowed.
Oh, you don't know all of them! No, it's okay.
I'd actually like to hear more from both of you.
How did you find me? We live across the street.
I could see you from every window.
- I'm not in the mood to talk.
- Really? Because I have given you over 28 hours to brood.
You know how many rats have been born since we last spoke? - Is this what you want to talk about? - No.
I'm sorry for saying that horrible thing and for not telling you.
I just knew you would look at me like, "Poor Brianna, I feel sorry for her.
" - And it's it's humiliating.
- Okay, I'm your boyfriend.
You don't have to put on some strong front for me.
- I do.
- You don't.
I do! Because you fell for a badass CEO, not a total fuck-up.
You're not a total fuck-up.
For the record, I fell for "trash can Brianna.
" Okay, your cousins married each other, if anyone's trash can No.
Do you remember how I used to be terrified of you just like everybody else? Fondly.
This one day I saw you strutting all hot and cocky down the hallway until you walked right into a trash can.
Doesn't sound like me at all, but I'll entertain it.
And you were clearly horrified and relieved when you thought no one saw you.
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean, you were such a colossal loser in that moment.
And you're telling me now, in this moment, because Because it was adorable.
It made me smile the whole day.
And the next day, I asked you out.
So in other words, you decided that because I was a loser, - that you had a shot.
- Yes.
But also, good things can happen when you allow yourself to be human.
[SIGHS.]
Eh So you're still gonna love me when Say Grace goes under and I'm super poor? Well, we'll be super poor together.
I quit my job.
- What? - Yeah.
I couldn't work for someone who was that horrible to you.
Although I did work for your mom.
You always know how to make me smile.
Come here.
- I don't want to be poor.
- Yeah, poor sucks.
"Vybrant Co-Founder Says 'We're Murderers'"? I'm not happy this happened, Grace.
But I am glad that word is out about our death sticks.
What have you done, Frankie? This was our baby.
This was our third act.
This is what no one thought we could do and you probably ruined it for us.
I did this in the name of my good friend, Harriet No-Last-Name.
Grace last-name-Hanson thinks you better start looking for a new best friend.
I like that you're finally admitting we're best friends.
And then Roy texted, and I quote, "You looked good in that Hawaiian shirt at the Judy Collins Weep and Greet.
" Unquote.
He was just trying to make me feel better about my poor outfit choice! It was very windy on the lido deck.
Roy will be in town next week.
He's invited Sol out.
He's coming here for work.
He suggested a casual margarita.
I declined the suggestion.
Do you see how Robert could interpret this as flirting? I didn't mean to flirt.
I didn't even intend to stay in touch with Roy.
Why do you think you did? I guess because I enjoy talking to him.
I'm someone who needs people in his life.
Sol does seem to be looking for something with Roy, with Frankie, even with his activism that he feels he is not getting at home.
- Well, I can't be everything to him.
- And you shouldn't have to be.
Have you two ever considered a less conventional approach to your relationship? What do you mean? I've had patients, gay men in particular, who have had some success venturing outside the social norms to find an arrangement that works best for them.
What kind of arrangement? Oh, something like spending some time apart.
What would that solve? Well, it might take the pressure off of both of you, and your marriage.
If a "Roy" pops up again, perhaps you could explore that without any guilt.
You mean explore? But I'm Catholic, for Christ's sake! And we're married! And you're also men.
You have complex biological impulses, and monogamy may run contrary to those impulses.
An open marriage is just one idea.
There are many others.
All I'm saying is that you may want to redefine intimacy to find what works for both of you as a couple.
But what does that mean? Well, it means that in order to fix this relationship, you may need to break it wide open.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
It's very uncomfortable eating dinner with someone in complete silence.
You have literally spoken every 15 seconds.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Are you Frankie Bergstein? I am thrilled to say I am not.
Are you guys talking Frankie Bergstein over here? Are you Frankie? - Yeah.
- My name is Sally Gaspar.
I'm Harriet Frankel's cousin.
Frankel! That's what it was.
Oh, my God! Why are you here? Yeah, if you're here to kill her, please come in.
I'm sorry to barge in, but a friend sent me your interview.
I don't know if you believe in these kinds of things, but if Harriet had a message from beyond I believe in them! Harriet told me you would.
And she'd tell you that this was not your fault.
No, you changed her life.
- We did? - Yeah.
After her husband passed, she stopped going to movies, she lost interest in temple.
And then she found your product.
And I know this sounds silly, but it brought back the cousin that I once knew.
She returned to temple and started seeing movies? She even started rapping! Oh, tell me there's video.
So So you don't think that we killed her? No! Quite the opposite.
Your vibrator gave her life.
And then death, but first, life.
See? Did you hear that? Yeah, I did.
You two have nothing to feel bad about.
[GRACE.]
I'm so glad you feel that way.
I don't know if the rest of the world agrees with you Are you kidding me? Have you seen your Facebook page lately? I don't log on anymore because I end up in a Jacob/Winnie rabbit hole.
Yeah, and I'm too scared to look.
Well, you should probably check it out.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I had these made for Harriet's friends.
My grandson went to NYU and now he's making T-shirts.
I think we should all be a little more like Harriet.
- Oh.
Gosh! - [CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
We have 4,000 new members! - Everybody is getting their Harriet on.
- Let's see.
Terrie Sue Epperson from Yakima, "I want what Harriet's having.
" Oh, Molly and Teresa of Colleyville, Texas are hosting a Vybrant brunch! And Oh, look at this.
Katie from the Netherlands is "bezeten" with Frankie Bergstein.
Oh, God.
It's more than a vibrator now, isn't it? It's a movement.
And we started it.
Oh.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
- [CRASHING.]
- Ah! What the hell? [WATER GUSHING.]
Oh, my G My tub! Well, I wish that it would rain Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Heavy rain down from the sky Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Maybe then you wouldn't see The teardrops in my eyes Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo Well, I wish that it would rain Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo It would be a great disguise Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Maybe then you wouldn't see [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [FRANKIE GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, mopesy.
You know what might make you feel better is changing the leak bucket.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna need a reflective surface to gaze sadly into later, and you won't let me have a well.
Let me guess.
You're cyber-stalking Winnie again.
Yes.
And get this, some guy named Chester Davenport liked a picture of Winnie and Jacob playing Frisbee golf.
Her friends sound like a-holes.
You realize that's just making you feel worse.
I know.
I just polished off a tub of what I thought was cheese dip.
Yeah.
I know, I read your status update.
[SIGHS.]
Why don't you go see your granddaughter? Are you kidding? Faith gets exposed to even a whiff of my toxic negativity at her age and she is on the child-actor track.
Well, you're the one that said that breaking up was the right thing to do.
I know.
I know, but it's so hard to see Jacob gallivanting around the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum like I was never even banned from there.
Well, let's stop using Facebook to torture ourselves, and use it to read our customer testimonials.
That always cheers you up.
So does ramen, but I have to really be in the mood, and the weather's been just too warm lately.
Okay, here's one from Heywood Jablomie Okay, that's clearly Brianna.
Oh, Harriet posted again.
You love Harriet! Oh, I am a fan of our biggest fan.
"Ladies, greetings from San Juan Capistrano! Just ordered a half-dozen for the gals I did jury duty with.
And a mini for the woman who definitely robbed that bank!" Oh, God, that is classic Harriet.
Is there a new picture? [GRACE.]
Let's see.
There.
Oh.
That's her look.
Outer space librarian.
God, I love her.
Hey, Frances.
What do you say we have an adventure? Are you gonna finally take me to the world's largest Slip 'N Slide? You know what? Instead of sliding down what smells like a giant urinal, let's go see Harriet.
Let's just show up at her house and surprise her.
Well, she may not be there.
What if she's trapped in the mall overnight again? We'll just wait for her.
This is a good day to drive up the coast.
Go get dressed and I'll get her address.
Can we bring her some freebies? We can bring her a whole gift basket of extra Ménages and your yam lube.
Can there be balloons? Vagina balloons? For the first time ever, I'm gonna answer that question with a yes.
Ah! - So, who wants to start? - I'll start.
If that's okay with you.
I think that would be great.
Very well.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Today, you'll hear two stories.
One, clear-eyed and level-headed, the other, a jumble of too many emotions.
My husband will disarm you with his welcoming eyes and warm temperament, then distract from the facts with his loud feelings, which are clearly [THERAPIST.]
Okay, Robert.
Robert.
I appreciate the effort behind your opening statement, but you're not here to win a case.
Thank you.
Obviously, one of us is new to therapy and needs a little guidance in the art of self-reflection.
I take responsibility.
As a longtime mental-health participant, I should have prepared him.
Okay, let me stop you right here.
No one is going to "win" today, and no one gets points for having done this before.
Thank you for acknowledging that I've done this before.
[THERAPIST CHUCKLES.]
Just tell me straight up.
Hmm? Why are you here? And thanks for the ride.
I'm pretty sure the mechanic's holding my car hostage.
- Want me to handle it for you? - That'd be great.
He's mean.
What time do you want me to pick you up tonight? Dinner's at eight.
Yeah No.
Another late night? Lauren is the worst thing to happen to my sex life since my IUD fell out at that Petco.
I promise she's not doing it to spite you.
We're really busy.
You know? Yes, and Say Grace is busy, too.
Okay? Unlike your horrible boss, I have respect for my employees' personal lives.
You fired Suzy for going home for her kid's bath time.
No, I did not.
I passive-aggressively shamed her in meetings until she elected to leave of her own volition.
Lauren's been nothing but professional.
And I know I said I could handle you hating her, but these daily diatribes are getting kind of old.
You know what's getting a little old is Lauren.
I just feel like I'm always coming in second.
Just because I couldn't go on one cruise, which was my idea in the first place, does not mean you come second.
And I must say, that's a rather rich accusation coming from you.
And why is that? Because he still thinks of Frankie as his soul mate.
Can you tell me more about that, Sol? I'm not sure I was being literal.
I was just musing.
He "mused" it to her the other day.
I have a complicated heart with many compartments.
It's a lot to manage.
That must have triggered some painful memories, especially considering what you shared about Sol's infidelity before your wedding.
I once again feel like I'm running a race against someone I can never beat.
The only thing going on between me and Frankie is our new grandchild.
If you don't count the all-night texting, and the all-day texting, and her dropping by all the time.
The texting bothers you because It didn't bother me at all until I found out how he still feels about her.
I have barrels of feelings.
Why are we cherry-picking this one? Because this is the one you kept from me.
Robert, are you worried that there's something inappropriate going on between Sol and Frankie? Well, I think when they're texting at 2:00 a.
m.
, it's not only John Oliver they're talking about.
It's only about 40 percent.
The rest is chitchat and patter.
I can only imagine.
Would it help if I let you read our text messages? Because I have nothing to hide.
Do you think that would help, Robert? Perhaps.
Okay, then that's your homework.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Of course, Robert isn't fluent in the language of emoji, so a lot will go over his head.
Oh, fats! We should have brought our camcorder to capture her reaction, like they do with Publishers Clearing House.
Well, you could use my phone, but you've lost your "my phone" privileges.
I have never felt more like Ed McMahon.
And I have actually felt Ed McMahon.
Hi! Is Harriet here? No, she's not.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Grace Hanson and this is Frankie Bergstein.
- Have you heard of us? - I can't say that I have.
Oh, what an interesting shape.
They're vaginas for Harriet.
Well, I guess if anyone celebrated their vagina, it was Harriet, poor thing.
Why do you say "poor thing"? Harriet passed away last week.
What? No, I'm just here to feed Harriet's parrot, Parriet.
I live next door.
She's dead? But I came here to be cheered up! Oh, jeez.
That's poor timing.
Well, what happened? She had a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
The word on the street is that she diddled herself to death.
- Diddled? - Yes.
With this humongous vibrator that she bought from some porno website for older ladies.
Oh, no.
I thought she was getting them from us.
She talked about it all the time.
Now, I barely knew Harriet.
I'm really just friends with Parriet.
I'm sure it wasn't her vibrator that killed her.
No, it was.
Apparently, when they found her, it was still buzzing.
Oh, was that for Harriet? [STAMMERS.]
No, it's for us.
- We won it at the Stop & Shop.
- The carnival.
Stop & Shop Carnival.
Behind the Stop & Shop store.
She forgot her purse there, so we better get going.
Bye now.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Frankie! Look, this is tragic, but it was not our fault.
Kind of feels like our fault.
Look, she died doing what she loved.
There are worse ways to go.
Ask any of our friends who've died lately.
I can't, they're so dead! When has that ever stopped you? I packed an instrument of death into a box and sent a lady to her doom! In your defense, I don't think that any of the boxes you packed made it to our customers.
This was our biggest fan and we whacked her! Okay, you have to stop talking like that because we have a bigger problem here.
That lady told two strangers that Harriet died using our vibrator.
- Who else is she gonna tell? - The parrot? Oh, no.
They repeat everything! I think we have to start thinking about damage control.
Damage control? We killed a woman who trusted us! Yeah.
That's the damage we have to control.
Say Grace doesn't even surface on social media anymore.
Either they've forgotten about you or they see you as old-fashioned.
God, we're like a sad mall kiosk.
We're like the Piercing Pagoda that gave me that staph infection.
Why is Barry here? Barry? What's going on? [PANTING.]
Lauren is coming! She's parking.
- What? Why the fuck is Lauren here? - No idea.
- We were driving to lunch - You drive to lunch together? I don't have a car right now.
Can we talk about that later? I just Lauren from Natural Feces is parked in our handicap spot.
- What does she want? - Maybe trying to make things better? Make things better? She is the queen of lies.
- She is the devil's concubine Hi! - [SQUEALS.]
- Hey! - Surprise! I'll say! Wild honey from the bees in my hive.
It's pure magic.
[BRIANNA.]
Wow, you have a hive.
And you're here.
It's so much to process! Yeah, I know.
Right? Ugh.
Oh, my God.
You're not gonna believe this, but I have done something very similar in my office.
I do believe it.
You know, actually, it's my New York office, and it's in a brand-new building with a ton of natural light, - so it's different from what you have.
- Pretty big window here.
But, oh, wow! We always do this! You sure do! Stop copying me, you.
- You stop copying me.
- No, you.
[CHUCKLING.]
- Call a tow truck.
- Mm-hmm.
So that's when I figured it out: I was on the wrong private jet! - Oh, no.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Oh, my God.
Such a relatable problem.
Why are you here? I miss us.
Well, I miss my belly button ring, but some things are best yanked out and treated with antibiotics.
See? I miss that.
The banter.
The way we used to push each other and make each other better.
If it weren't for the fierce competition between us for all of those years, my company wouldn't be what it is today.
But sadly, those days are passed.
No, no, no, you used "sadly" wrong.
Oh, honey, I know Say Grace is in trouble, but I can help.
By buying you.
- What? - Oh, shit.
Okay.
Say Grace is not in trouble.
Yeah, The Rock just tweeted about us, so And we're not for sale.
Really? The Rock? Well, then I must have misunderstood all of your employees flocking to me with resumes in hand.
Can someone explain to me what's going on? Uh, it's Erica.
Okay, it has to be.
She steals toner, her boobs are real but terrible, now this.
No, it's no one, because no one is flocking to Lauren, because Lauren is making shit up, which is what Lauren does.
Listen, I know you have your pride, and I respect that.
All right, but you don't have to pretend with me.
I'm a friend.
You know, I was saying to my husband, Loren the other night - Oh, God.
Ew.
- after we made love, "Loren, what should I do with all the extra money I'm making?" And Loren said to me, "Lauren, you need to help somebody in need.
Like an Ethiopian child, or your friend, Brianna.
" Yeah.
You know, you should go home tonight and say to Loren, "Loren, I got really confused because Brianna and I are not friends.
" - Okay, but your company is in trouble.
- What is she talking about? Oh, Bar, did Brianna not You know what? I just assumed you guys share everything, like me and Loren.
I forget not everybody has that.
You should go now.
Oh, the cute sister's right.
All right.
You know what? I'll let you two catch up.
Actually, you take the rest of the day off, mister.
All right? But I am gonna need you in Saturday and Sunday.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [GRACE.]
Hey, Rocco.
It's Grace Hanson again.
Remember me? You broke my antique chair.
Anyway, my guest bath is still raining into my kitchen.
Can you get here before I have an indoor pool? Thanks.
What the hell are you doing? "This vibrator may cause severe death.
" Are you insane? You have to scream "fire" or people won't listen.
Haven't you ever been to a movie theater? Uh.
I needed to wax today, anyway.
We are not using these labels.
How are we supposed to stop another customer from picking up a loaded Ménage and playing a losing round of Rubbin' Roulette? You need to calm down.
- Calm down? - Yeah.
I got dumped by my boyfriend and I went on a killing spree! Look, this kind of crazy-eyed panic is exactly why I'm gonna deal with this on my own.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Remember our friend Marla from Flapper? No.
The lifestyle blogger.
Her article put us on the map.
Nothing.
Well, anyway, she's coming tomorrow to interview me about Harriet.
That way we can get ahead of the story and warn everybody so this never happens again.
So what about me? I don't even get to talk to her? No.
No.
How come I can't remember Marla? [GRACE.]
Because you're old! And I knew that b-turd of a woman was using you to humiliate me.
Why didn't you tell me the company was in trouble? Oh, because I didn't want you to know.
Did you ever think I could've helped you? How? We're beyond fussing with the budget, Barry.
Can't fix this problem with your TI-84.
- No, I just meant I could have - Could have what? Ridden in here on your white horse? Can't even ride in here in your gray Subaru.
Jesus Christ, Brianna.
I could have been there for you.
I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it's like to carry an entire company on your shoulders.
You know what? You're right.
I don't.
Well, what do you think? How many more haikus do I have to read? Seventeen.
Are my eyes bleeding yet? [CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
- What was that? - Nothing.
- Then you won't mind if I read it.
- Not at all.
Whose knees are these? They might not be knees at all.
- It's "hot dogs or legs.
" - What? It's a guessing game that's captivated the Internet.
Because, from a certain perspective, hot dogs look like legs.
I think this one is hot dogs.
Wait.
No Who's Roy? My "Both Tides Now" buddy.
I've mentioned him.
Actually, you haven't.
Sure, I did.
The one from the Captain's Dinner.
I remember hearing about the buffet at the Captain's Dinner.
That's where I met Roy.
We were making fun of the beef medallions.
Is he gay? Not that it matters, but yes.
Ha! No "ha.
" He's just a friend.
How often would you say you text with this Mr.
Beef Medallion? How about you stop interrogating me.
How about you give me your phone back so I know exactly what I'm interrogating you about.
No! I thought you had nothing to hide.
Fine, but I will not say another word without my therapist present.
[GRACE.]
Marla, I'm so grateful that you agreed to do this.
I thank you.
Yeah.
If it's okay, I'd like to record it on the phone.
Sure.
Yeah.
So what would you like to say to Harriet's family? Well, our hearts ache for their loss.
Yeah, Harriet was one of our best customers and we loved her dearly.
Are you concerned that your vibrator is not safe? Oh, not at all.
I mean, everyone should consult their doctor before using something as effective and exciting and affordable as our vibrator.
And we can be found online "Vybrant" is with a "Y.
" I guess my question is, is your vibrator too dangerous - for your target demographic? - Yes.
Well, you know, Marla, I have given that a lot of thought.
You know, is Ménage à Moi too dangerous? Is our new travel size, Mini Ménage, which is selling like hotcakes, is that too dangerous? I think the answer is no.
But I'm happy to continue the discussion at our next pop-up this Saturday in Mission Valley, outside Nordstrom Rack.
What is this, Hanson, the Home Shopping Network? You're supposed to be warning people! Frankie, I was hoping I could talk to you, too.
Well, it's happening.
We're murderers.
No, that is off the record.
It is so on the record.
It's the hot hit single.
A woman died here.
Her name was Harriet, uh I can't remember her last name.
But whatever it was, we can assume she wanted to live.
And I will not stand by and watch another innocent woman die because of our vibrator.
Oh, for Heaven's sake, she didn't die because of our vibrator.
Yes, she did! And it could have been me or you or Marla.
Anybody could have been Harriet! And the public has a right to know.
I'd especially like to warn Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
RBG, if you've received my packages, be careful.
We need you now more than ever.
Marla, how about you and I go out for lunch.
I know some places where she's not allowed.
Oh, you don't know all of them! No, it's okay.
I'd actually like to hear more from both of you.
How did you find me? We live across the street.
I could see you from every window.
- I'm not in the mood to talk.
- Really? Because I have given you over 28 hours to brood.
You know how many rats have been born since we last spoke? - Is this what you want to talk about? - No.
I'm sorry for saying that horrible thing and for not telling you.
I just knew you would look at me like, "Poor Brianna, I feel sorry for her.
" - And it's it's humiliating.
- Okay, I'm your boyfriend.
You don't have to put on some strong front for me.
- I do.
- You don't.
I do! Because you fell for a badass CEO, not a total fuck-up.
You're not a total fuck-up.
For the record, I fell for "trash can Brianna.
" Okay, your cousins married each other, if anyone's trash can No.
Do you remember how I used to be terrified of you just like everybody else? Fondly.
This one day I saw you strutting all hot and cocky down the hallway until you walked right into a trash can.
Doesn't sound like me at all, but I'll entertain it.
And you were clearly horrified and relieved when you thought no one saw you.
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean, you were such a colossal loser in that moment.
And you're telling me now, in this moment, because Because it was adorable.
It made me smile the whole day.
And the next day, I asked you out.
So in other words, you decided that because I was a loser, - that you had a shot.
- Yes.
But also, good things can happen when you allow yourself to be human.
[SIGHS.]
Eh So you're still gonna love me when Say Grace goes under and I'm super poor? Well, we'll be super poor together.
I quit my job.
- What? - Yeah.
I couldn't work for someone who was that horrible to you.
Although I did work for your mom.
You always know how to make me smile.
Come here.
- I don't want to be poor.
- Yeah, poor sucks.
"Vybrant Co-Founder Says 'We're Murderers'"? I'm not happy this happened, Grace.
But I am glad that word is out about our death sticks.
What have you done, Frankie? This was our baby.
This was our third act.
This is what no one thought we could do and you probably ruined it for us.
I did this in the name of my good friend, Harriet No-Last-Name.
Grace last-name-Hanson thinks you better start looking for a new best friend.
I like that you're finally admitting we're best friends.
And then Roy texted, and I quote, "You looked good in that Hawaiian shirt at the Judy Collins Weep and Greet.
" Unquote.
He was just trying to make me feel better about my poor outfit choice! It was very windy on the lido deck.
Roy will be in town next week.
He's invited Sol out.
He's coming here for work.
He suggested a casual margarita.
I declined the suggestion.
Do you see how Robert could interpret this as flirting? I didn't mean to flirt.
I didn't even intend to stay in touch with Roy.
Why do you think you did? I guess because I enjoy talking to him.
I'm someone who needs people in his life.
Sol does seem to be looking for something with Roy, with Frankie, even with his activism that he feels he is not getting at home.
- Well, I can't be everything to him.
- And you shouldn't have to be.
Have you two ever considered a less conventional approach to your relationship? What do you mean? I've had patients, gay men in particular, who have had some success venturing outside the social norms to find an arrangement that works best for them.
What kind of arrangement? Oh, something like spending some time apart.
What would that solve? Well, it might take the pressure off of both of you, and your marriage.
If a "Roy" pops up again, perhaps you could explore that without any guilt.
You mean explore? But I'm Catholic, for Christ's sake! And we're married! And you're also men.
You have complex biological impulses, and monogamy may run contrary to those impulses.
An open marriage is just one idea.
There are many others.
All I'm saying is that you may want to redefine intimacy to find what works for both of you as a couple.
But what does that mean? Well, it means that in order to fix this relationship, you may need to break it wide open.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
It's very uncomfortable eating dinner with someone in complete silence.
You have literally spoken every 15 seconds.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Are you Frankie Bergstein? I am thrilled to say I am not.
Are you guys talking Frankie Bergstein over here? Are you Frankie? - Yeah.
- My name is Sally Gaspar.
I'm Harriet Frankel's cousin.
Frankel! That's what it was.
Oh, my God! Why are you here? Yeah, if you're here to kill her, please come in.
I'm sorry to barge in, but a friend sent me your interview.
I don't know if you believe in these kinds of things, but if Harriet had a message from beyond I believe in them! Harriet told me you would.
And she'd tell you that this was not your fault.
No, you changed her life.
- We did? - Yeah.
After her husband passed, she stopped going to movies, she lost interest in temple.
And then she found your product.
And I know this sounds silly, but it brought back the cousin that I once knew.
She returned to temple and started seeing movies? She even started rapping! Oh, tell me there's video.
So So you don't think that we killed her? No! Quite the opposite.
Your vibrator gave her life.
And then death, but first, life.
See? Did you hear that? Yeah, I did.
You two have nothing to feel bad about.
[GRACE.]
I'm so glad you feel that way.
I don't know if the rest of the world agrees with you Are you kidding me? Have you seen your Facebook page lately? I don't log on anymore because I end up in a Jacob/Winnie rabbit hole.
Yeah, and I'm too scared to look.
Well, you should probably check it out.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I had these made for Harriet's friends.
My grandson went to NYU and now he's making T-shirts.
I think we should all be a little more like Harriet.
- Oh.
Gosh! - [CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
We have 4,000 new members! - Everybody is getting their Harriet on.
- Let's see.
Terrie Sue Epperson from Yakima, "I want what Harriet's having.
" Oh, Molly and Teresa of Colleyville, Texas are hosting a Vybrant brunch! And Oh, look at this.
Katie from the Netherlands is "bezeten" with Frankie Bergstein.
Oh, God.
It's more than a vibrator now, isn't it? It's a movement.
And we started it.
Oh.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
- [CRASHING.]
- Ah! What the hell? [WATER GUSHING.]
Oh, my G My tub! Well, I wish that it would rain Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Heavy rain down from the sky Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Maybe then you wouldn't see The teardrops in my eyes Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo Well, I wish that it would rain Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo It would be a great disguise Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Maybe then you wouldn't see [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.