Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e09 Episode Script

The Website

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh [GRACE.]
What are you wearing? [SCOFFS.]
Brianna, what are you wearing to the meeting? [SCOFFS.]
Well, they better be formal basketball shorts.
- Oh.
It's Nick.
Hey, call me if anything comes up at the hotel, okay? What's an "upper decker"? Oh, God, you're disgusting.
Bye! Hey, you.
No, I can't do dinner tonight, but I can do lunch Thursday.
- Okay.
Then let's make it then.
Uh! Oh, I got another call, I got to go.
You, too.
What, Frankie? [FRANKIE.]
Grace, you were right for once.
Oh, my God, it's coming from inside the house.
I don't have time for whatever this is.
Excuse me, madame.
Don't you have a moment for Vybrant? Also, you have to talk to me.
It's in your planner.
You can't go in my planner and write "Frankie Bergstein" across Monday to Friday.
Sure can.
You're also scheduled for a big kiss on the mouth later.
But right now, exciting business talk.
Oh, it sounds like just more work for me.
I don't have time for more work for me.
No, doy.
That's why you've got me.
The Ménage à Moi was only halfway to the moon, so why did we stop Frankie, please, no more half-baked ideas.
Really plump and fluffy.
I need help with the flat, unleavened small things that have to get done.
Well, I'm more a big idea person.
Like my idea for hands that come out of the wall to rub your shoulders.
Whose hands, you might wonder? Well, here's where it gets really exciting Yeah, Frankie! Fine, let's sit down and put together - a list of the small stuff.
- [GRACE.]
Oh, here.
- We're out of toilet paper.
Why do we give him a ride to school every day? - Because he works there.
- I have a name.
Why doesn't he have a car? Same reason you can't have fireworks.
Mom, my diorama for Mr.
DeGara's class is due tomorrow.
Well, then you better finish it today.
Then someone needs to take me to the craft store.
Can you even drive? Can you? We have all the supplies you could ever want at home.
Like what? Like anything you can find.
Be creative.
- Not with my stuff.
- Or my stuff.
Use anything that isn't his or his.
Everyone got their lunches? - [MADISON.]
Damn it.
All right, everyone out.
Do you mind swinging around back so the kids don't see you dropping me off? Get out.
Grace has never before given me the reins of Vybrant, so we must treat this with the utmost seriousness.
No shirking, no procrastinating, and no reinventing the wheel, unless, of course, you have a great new wheel idea.
- Now then, onto the first item Label and ship packages.
Oh, for Pharrell's sake.
Why can't you just paint two "X" s on my eyes and bury me at sea? I'll just put a "no" next to it, darling.
No, we can't do that.
But we can put it off till the end because it sucks.
Now, item number two: customer service's emails.
I'm on it.
May I use coarse language, if warranted? You may, and I will start with what should have been our number one: fixing the website picture.
- What's wrong with the website picture? - I'd just done the Cinnamon Challenge.
Oh, this will do.
I will just highlight here and copy and drag here and all set.
God, there are so many customer service emails.
- Oh, our customers love us! - Not today, dear.
They can't find the website anymore and no one can order anything.
You know, it's very sad, some older folks just don't always know how to use the Internet.
Let me just go to our website and [DING.]
- What happened? - Something's wrong with my computer.
Try yours.
- [DING.]
- - It won't come up on mine either.
Okay, not time to panic yet.
Maybe the whole Internet is down.
Quick, search "funny elephant videos.
" See if anything comes up.
Eight million results.
Eight?! Oh, that's more than last time No! I mustn't.
Um We need to fix what we broke.
How do I undo this? I'll try undo.
- Undo.
- [DING.]
- Undo.
- [DING.]
- Undo, undo, undo, undo - [COMPUTER DINGING.]
Hold on, darling.
Magic touch.
- Undo! - [DING.]
May I use coarse language? Ugh.
Grace is gonna kill me.
- Foot.
- Oh, you good boy.
- Hi.
Oh, hi.
Another bad rehearsal? Peter certainly thought so.
Unless "you all suck" has a double meaning.
Well, I know something that will cheer you up.
I finally stood up to Ozzy at Ozzy's Dry Cleaners.
You did? That's great.
I know.
I demanded to be accommodated - and accommodated I was.
- So We are now the proud owners of a stack of "free shirt-clean" coupons.
That's very good, Sol, but what will we Excuse me.
You keep interrupting my story.
I'm not finished.
It wasn't over? The coupons weren't the climax? No, there's a twist.
The coupons were stuck together, so we got twice as many.
That's it.
I'm done.
Well, that's great.
Sounds like you had a very successful day.
What are we doing for dinner? I don't know.
I hadn't even thought about it.
Is there another story? Nope, just the great one I told you.
So, what are we doing for dinner? Why do you assume that I took care of dinner? Because you're the one who's home now and you always take care of dinner.
Well, now sometimes I'm raising hell at the dry cleaners, and I don't always do anything.
Come on, Carl.
You're lucky I had two lunches! [SIGHS.]
We could stay until the crack of dawn or let Brianna deal with this when she gets back.
What's our excuse for not getting it done? Uh, you're old and I'm not getting paid? - You're not getting paid? - You are? No, we We need to finish.
We can't put it off till tomorrow.
There'll just be more.
- [SIGHS.]
I have kids.
- Yeah, so do I.
That's why I'm in this mess.
Ahoy, mateys.
Oh, God.
What are you two here for? Just wanted to talk to you some place where you couldn't be loud and violent matey.
What did you do? Actually, it was while doing some extra credit on our homepage, I found Are you obsessing about that picture again? It's a bad picture of me and you know it! Well, you wouldn't stop eating all the cinnamon! - Oh, I can just - Uh - Okay.
You got it.
- So what am I about to yell at you for? No biggie.
Our website disappeared from the Internet which is space, I think.
What? How does that even happen? Oh, how does anything happen? Oh, it looks like one of you forgot to pay the domain lease.
I don't know what that is, so it couldn't be me.
I paid it! Uh not last month.
Or the month before that.
Or the month before that.
Isn't this delicious? Little Miss Incredible falters and leaves the Madwoman of La Jolla to pick up the pieces.
You never pay your bills on time and you manage.
I'll pay what's outstanding.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Actually, when you didn't pay, the website became available for purchase and someone bought it.
Who would want our website? Someone who wants to sell it back to you for more money.
Happens all the time.
Oh, it's true.
I used to be in the domain-name game, until I lost Cars-dot-com in a vicious bridge tournament.
So, we just need to find whatever Internet nerd did this and cut them a check.
Well, apparently the Internet nerd's name is Howard Kassembaum.
Who the hell is Howard Kassembaum? Howard from Walden Villas.
You know him.
- The food toucher with the walker.
- [SIGHS.]
I caught him once with a fist in the Thousand Island.
He stole our website? If you want, I know a guy who can break his food-touchers.
But one of you has to phone him.
He thinks I'm dead.
Coyote, come see my diorama I made.
Uh I'm kind of late for the Come on! Come on! Come on! Okay.
- Which one's yours? - That one.
Wow, Madison.
That Secret Garden is really good.
That's stupid Kaitlyn's.
Mine's Little House on the Prairie.
Oh, wow.
Oh wow.
- Has your mom seen this? - Nope.
Where did you get the fancy fence posts? From Mommy's secret cabinet.
Last night's drama is not something I want to relive either.
I really hope you like this.
I put in extra eggs and sardines for a shiny coat.
Leave it.
- Hey, Bud.
- Hey, Dad.
First, hells yes, I'd like some free shirt-clean coupons.
- That was such a great story.
- I knew that was a great story.
And just wanted to double check Jeff and Peter got Allison's list of don'ts and don'ts for tomorrow's tasting.
They sure did! Jeff wants to know if caviar counts as eggs, and Peter wants to know if she's fucking kidding.
I don't want any problems.
He couldn't cater your law firm events.
- Well, he doesn't know that.
You can call him if you want.
- Do it.
See you both tomorrow.
Robert, you're eating that.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I should've waited.
- No, it's not that - I'm sorry about yesterday.
It was childish to take my theater frustrations out on you.
This was so nice and not assumed and not expected in any way, but I definitely still appreciate it.
- Thank you.
- You're eating dog food.
Why haven't you been answering your phone? Shit.
My phone was on vibrate.
- Why? What's wrong? - I don't know how to tell you this, but Madison's Little House on the Prairie diorama has a fence posts made out of joints.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Since when do you have weed in the house? Brianna gave me some, but I I hid it.
That's good, 'cause kids never look for things that are hidden.
Why didn't you take them out? Because the case was locked and they still won't give me any keys.
Shit, it's the school.
Oh, hey, um, when you're in the principal's office, say good things about me.
Just if it comes up.
Hello? Okay, this is my mistake.
I'll fix it.
You follow my lead.
I know.
Good cop, bad cop.
I am all the cops.
You're a civilian ride-along.
Either come in or go away! [DOORKNOB CLICKS.]
Well, lookie, who's here.
I thought they threw the two of you out of this place.
They didn't throw us out.
We broke out.
And now, technically, we're banned.
Hey, ride-along, zip it.
What will it cost to get our domain back? I really have the two of you over a barrel.
Well, he's got us there.
We need our website back - and we'll pay anything for it.
I'm starting to get why you paid so much for your car.
How much do you want? Well, I could ask you for anything.
A company's not a company without a website.
Howard, I will tie you up in lawsuits for the rest of time.
There's not so much of that ahead, is there? Be my guest! Maybe we should stay and have some tea.
I don't have time to have tea with this tuft of ear hair.
If you want tea, make it yourself! - You got it! - [GROANS SOFTLY.]
Do you trust me? Situationally, yes.
Then trust me in this situation.
Give me 15 minutes with this guy.
Go visit Arlene.
I'll be right there.
Look, I know things can't get worse, but please, don't find a way.
Life always finds a way.
A li'l girl bringing pot to school is bad, but it isn't Madison's fault.
The weed isn't hers.
It's mine, 'cause I'm stressed out right now, but I didn't have any before my daughter used it in her diorama, which I should've done for her like all the other mothers do, so I also apologize for the substandard quality of her diorama, which also makes me a terrible mother.
I'm sorry.
I'm Madison's mother, Mallory.
Was that one long sentence? I think so.
Wow, um [SIGHS.]
Well, I have, uh, one short sentence: Madison is suspended.
Suspended? Wait.
Do you feel like that's too harsh? Yes! Isn't suspension for kids who know they did something wrong? Madison was just making a fence.
Uh What seems like a fair punishment to you? Don't know, but if anyone should be punished it should be me.
Because, apparently, I'm just that cliché single mom who doesn't have time to help her kids with their projects.
Oh, well, I get it.
I'm single, too.
At least you didn't help her with the diorama 'cause these mothers clearly do all their kid's homework for them.
There was this one diorama for The Secret Garden that could've been a float in the Rose Bowl Parade.
Besides, pot's legal now.
Not for kids, but, you know? Was that all one sentence? It was.
Maybe I can make up for this by coming in and volunteering for hot lunch on Fridays? Friday lunch duty is the worst! I know.
That should work.
Oh, uh Don't forget your stash.
- It's - Uh - Yeah, that wasn't glued correctly.
- Umm.
It's so important for the structural integrity, and I smoked it last night.
It was a rough one yesterday.
I understand.
And, of course, as punishment for myself, I will also be doing hot lunch on Friday.
Well, I guess I will see you there.
I guess you will.
Oh, what a nice surprise! Can I get you something? - Oh, God, yes.
Coffee, please.
- Oh.
- Well, I think I have some instant - [SIGHS.]
from the person who lived here before me.
Now where the hell is it? Ah! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh.
- Adderall? Do you take this? - Oh, no.
Uh Not anymore.
They tried giving that to me when I first had my memory problems, but I hated it.
Well, why do you still have it? Well, all my pharmacy information is on the bottle.
Very handy.
Oh, yeah.
I think my grandson, what's-his-name, takes that.
It's terrible.
It kept me up for two days straight.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Wh Ugh.
Last week, I fell asleep at dinner with Nick.
I mean, he was so sweet about it, [WHISPERS.]
but I felt horrible.
The waiter thought I was dead.
Oh, my God! I'm supposed to have lunch with Nick.
Five minutes ago! I forgot to cancel.
Well uh uh blame it on me.
Uh uh Tell him I fell.
Uh, tell him I died.
Oh, no, leave me out of it.
You got about five minutes before I take my pants off and watch The View.
You and me both, pal.
What are you looking for? I'm looking for what this case is really about, because it's not about money.
This is a case? Yes, Howard.
You see, I'm an amateur sleuth with a degree in detectorology.
That's a cross on the wall.
It can mean only one thing: you are a religious freak who can't stand the thought of older people pleasuring themselves.
It's a "T" for Texas.
So, it's about a love you had once as a young man in Texas.
I got it on vacation.
So, it was on vacation, years ago, when you were forever hurt by a woman named Vybrant! [STUTTERING.]
you know, you stealing that golf cart is really starting to make sense to me.
- [BEEP.]
- Oh, our tea's ready! [HOWARD CHUCKLES.]
So it's the first time we've ever cooked something under the supervision of a doctor, but here goes [ALLISON.]
Don't worry.
I came prepared.
Oh! - Hmm.
- You won't need EpiPens 'cause I'm sure Jeff and Peter understood how serious your allergies are.
Because adult allergies are real.
Ah! This is a tasting, Robert, not a casino buffet line.
Oh, great, more things that aren't my dinner.
You're like a gay Ralph Kramden.
Uh, here we have a homemade ube chip with line-caught Skipjack and an activated charcoal glaze.
- Ooh.
- What type of oil is in that ube chip? Oh, I think it's We didn't use oil in these.
You should skip that one, to be safe.
You sure? They're delicious.
Robert, she's passing on it.
Don't bulldoze her into something she doesn't wanna eat.
No, it's okay.
I'll try it.
Let's be honest, at some point tonight, one of you will stab me with a pen.
Nobody's going to be stabbing anyone with anything.
We'll see.
But they're not even sure what type of oil they used.
Sol, would you please let the food experts handle the tasting? Okay, but we're having a tasting with someone whose allergies were documented in The New England Journal of Medicine.
- July 2012.
- The cover.
It was the cover.
So, forgive me if I'm a little protective of the mother of my granddaughter.
She's not eating that.
So next.
Guess this is my dinner.
Oh, yes, Robert, as long as you get your dinner.
Guys, can something that's supposed to be about me actually be about me for once? And Allison.
This is about me and Allison.
Mostly Allison.
You wanted a tasting? This is a taste of what a real marriage is like! We did use oil! Sunflower oil! I can't have that.
- They're past it now, dear.
- Well Robert's just acting childish because I didn't make his dinner two nights in a row.
It's not because you didn't make my dinner.
It's because you changed the rules about dinner without even talking to me about it.
You admitted you were taking your frustrations out on me.
I said 'cause I thought you'd made me an apology dinner! And why would I do that? I have nothing to apologize for! This does not seem to be ending.
Like when you explain Star Wars.
Shall we? We could come back another day.
You'd have to pay us all over again, but we'd be happy to come back.
Do you accept dry-cleaner coupons? You got more coupons? Everyone wants the coupons.
No one's willing to work for 'em.
What is going on with you? You've been impossible lately.
I'm not impossible.
I'm just evolving, and I like the new me.
The new me gets results.
Sol, it's not like you were exactly a wallflower to begin with.
I've wasted a lot of time going along with what you wanted or what Frankie wanted.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Can't you do that and still act like the same old, sweet Sol? - I kind of like the bitchy Sol.
Jeff, thanks for enjoying my many facets.
What's in the slow cooker? It is delicious.
I always think of you as my friend who does it all, [CHUCKLES.]
but do you think maybe you're doing too much? Yeah, I know.
I don't know what to do about it.
You could choose not to do it.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
You could do less of what you're doing now.
You're really not being clear.
Uh, you know what I did today? I had breakfast and then you came over.
Oh, that sounds so luxurious.
Tell me more about what you don't do.
Well, uh, I don't do anything between lunch and my afternoon walk.
And after my walk, it's a nap.
And then my day really clears up.
Unless I have plans with Don.
- Don? - Mm.
My new beau.
Now there's a guy who loves to do nothing.
We're planning a trip to Barbados and we're not gonna do it all.
Nick wants to go away, too, but who has the time? Honestly, at our age, who has the time not to? Hmm.
Nice photos.
I don't love travelling.
- Seems like you did at one point.
- Hmm.
Just like you used to like to go to the cafeteria.
But those trays tell me that you now eat your meals alone.
Perhaps because you've gone from a walker to this wheelchair! Hey, I was drying that.
Looks like someone's been hitting this button a lot.
So what? As much as I, too, hear the siren song - of the un-pushed button - Yeah.
I think you stole our domain name so that this would happen.
So you'd act crazy and spill hot water all over my kitchen? You know, Howard, I knew a guy once who was a lot like you.
He took people on a three-hour tour, deliberately crashed his boat.
He sounds like a jerk.
No, he was just a little lonely.
You don't have to crash a boat or steal a website - to get someone to hang out with you.
Says you.
You got a partner, a friend, or whatever else she is.
I had one of those.
Yeah? Tell me about her.
She was awful.
We were married 57 years.
Sounds like you were lucky.
Look at me.
I won the lottery.
So, there I was, back against the wall, facing Howard down, alone without anyone to guard my flank - Arlene, have you seen Dunkirk? - I have not.
Oh, it'd be so much easier to explain what happened if you've seen it.
- You wanna watch it? - Did you get our domain name back? Oh, sorry, buried the lede.
And you know what that means? You'll have to listen to all my new ideas! Let's schedule a meeting.
Block off a good three to seven hours.
That'll be the pre-meeting.
Oh, my God.
I regret everything I have ever done.
So, Arlene, where was I? Dunkirk.
Never seen it.
Yes, you have! Did I like it? [FRANKIE.]
So, all he wanted was a friend.
Someone to talk to and pay attention to him.
That's good.
I thought you were gonna make him our CEO.
No, I made him our IT guy.
We don't need an IT guy.
Sometimes you hire an I guy 'cause he needs you.
- You don't, but I get your point.
- Hmm.
Well, congratulations, Frankie.
You cracked the case.
Cheese and rice, I surely did.
All right.
Let's go to Dave & Buster's and do Fireball shots.
Gosh, horrible as that sounds - [LAUGHS.]
- we have work to do.
Oh, God, I've got to call Mallory.
And I really should see Nick.
Um - Would you pass me that water over there? - Hmm.
Don't let nobody tell you How to live your life - - They'll turn you 'round Before you see the light Tell me how they're gonna know What you're supposed to do So, that's a soft yes on D&B's? Come on! I thought you'd never ask.
Stand at the mountain You'll never get high If you're afraid to try Just a little boy from a country town When he was singing songs Daddy put him down He told him Don't you cross that county line So he packed his things and said, "What's mine is mine" Sitting by the highway Just waiting for the ride Stand at the mountain You'll never get high If you're afraid to try [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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