Grace and Frankie (2015) s06e05 Episode Script

The Confessions

Well, I don't know why I came here tonight Got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh And so, without further dramatic pause Oh, one more.
I give you the "Rise Up"! [GASPS.]
Who is she? She's chic.
She's sleek.
She'll cradle those cheeks.
She's sexy, yet functional.
She's fun, yet mature.
She's the Helen Mirren of plumbing fixtures.
Crowd noise.
Available in executive black, silver fox, and rose gold! Hello, Grace.
Did I get clipped by a forklift in Stapler World for my own amusement? I thought you were excited about this toilet.
I am.
I'm sorry, Frankie.
I'm just a little distracted.
Hey, can we take a coffee break? [SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Who died and made you Frankie? This whole day has been a break.
Are you okay? You know what? Forget the break.
Let's get back to work.
Oh, must be about sex if you don't want to talk about it this much.
How did you know? I didn't.
You just told me.
Out with it.
Okay, fine.
Have you ever experienced yawning? [SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Have I.
During sex? No.
If anything, we're both desperately trying to catch our breath.
- Yeah.
- Why? Who's tub-thumpin' on empty? I think Nick yawned.
Last night.
What do you mean, you think? Well, I think it was one of those internal, swallowing-your-boredom kind of yawns.
Like when Bud talks to you about his drone.
Oh, that's bad.
You know who would really like to hear about this? Yeah.
Frankie, I told you, I'm not gonna do a sex podcast with you.
Didn't you just commit to being a hundred percent truthful with each other? Suppose the truth is that sex with me has gotten boring? I wouldn't know.
You won't let me see you perform.
Break's over.
You know, I'm sure there's probably a good explanation.
Like he's tired.
But you won't know unless you ask.
Yeah, but if I ask, I might find out something that I don't want to know.
If you can't talk to your husband about sex, then you really aren't doing things differently this time.
Oh, my God, you are right.
Wait a minute, you were hit by a forklift? Ah, you should see the other guy.
No, but I'm hurt pretty bad.
So there's you, me, the boys, Allison, and the cute friend Allison's bringing for Coyote.
So, that's 20 bread cubes per person.
How many bread cubes in a loaf? Seventy.
I know you have your heart set on fondue, but have you considered literally anything else? - But you love cheese.
- Not in communal form.
This dinner's a surprise setup.
They're always awkward.
Fondue's the ultimate conversation starter.
Asking where the bathroom is is not a conversation.
And speaking of conversations, have you thought about telling the boys what's going on with you? Tonight? How do you propose I do that? "Hi, Allison's friend.
This is Coyote.
Cool top.
I've got cancer".
Sol, you're going under the knife, and you haven't told your family.
Because I know how they'll react.
Coyote will spin out.
Bud will fret.
And you know that scary dream you have where Frankie moves in? But Sol, you can't hide being sick from them.
I'm not.
I'm just waiting until after the procedure.
I don't need three people with premium WebMD accounts panicking at me when I'm trying to focus on my health.
Wouldn't you want to know if one of them was having surgery? My body, my choice.
- But, Sol - Robert, this isn't your cancer.
You need to motor if you're gonna make both cheese shops and the beach house.
Why am I going to the beach house? Frankie, just pick one.
This is tricky, 'cause it's a setup.
This fondue pot says "family fun", and this one says, "Oh, yeah, we're all gonna get laid tonight".
Just pick.
I don't care.
- I'll pretend we didn't hear that.
- [SIGHS.]
Okay, fine.
I'll take this one.
This one is missing a fork, - and it has a leak.
- Well, why don't you throw it out? Would you throw out a child who's missing a fork and had a leak? Frankie, please, I'm not in the mood! I'm sorry.
That wasn't for you.
Who was it for? No one.
I've had a bad morning.
I really can't talk about it.
Okay? I'll just take the sex pot.
Sorry, the cost of one fondue pot is one secret.
Wait a second.
Sol told me about dragging you to the doctor for your boat trip.
Is it? Did you get bad news? No, Frankie, I didn't get bad news.
Did Sol? Oh, wait a second.
Oh, my God, is Sol sick? I wasn't supposed to say anything.
What is it? What's going on? He has prostate cancer.
Oh, my God.
But it's treatable.
We caught it early.
And he'll be fine.
He just needs surgery.
I've got to call him.
I've got to move in.
No, no! No! See, that's why I couldn't say anything.
He doesn't want to upset everybody.
Please don't tell him I said anything.
So you want me to sit here with this information and pretend like I don't know anything? Mm-hmm.
Thanks for the pot.
Need anything before I head home? Oh, actually, you're gonna love this.
I need you to stay late and help me with the distribution reports.
What? Why would I love that? Because your kids live at your home.
Okay, but the reports aren't due for two weeks.
And, I'll have you know, I really like three of my kids.
Yeah, I couldn't help hearing, as I was eavesdropping.
Shall I cancel my laser facial and your dinner plans with Barry and the lesbians? Yes.
And Adam, can you get me the distro reports that I asked for 20 years ago? Yes, sir.
So, why are you using me to get out of dinner with your boyfriend? Erin and Liz are pregnant, and I can't spend four hours celebrating babies and Barry's powerful sperm.
Reports and takeout menus.
Just get Hoagie Hole.
I'm one punch away from free chips.
Oh, what an exciting time in your life.
That's big news about Barry.
You wanna talk about it? - What the fuck? - What? It's a cover letter for a job application addressed to Planet Organics.
Somebody must have just left this in the printer.
- Who? - It's not signed.
I'll just have to call the police.
Brianna! Come on.
People apply for other jobs.
But who would be stupid and/or bold enough to leave this in the company printer? Yeah, well, you better find some arugula.
Okay? Because if Brianna isn't happy, nobody's happy.
Yeah, welcome to my life, Shayna.
My gal, a cocktail, a couple piles of cured meat.
- Heaven at last.
- Hmm.
Are they running you ragged at that office? Nah.
I'm top of the heap, baby.
That must be exhausting.
It's like the Iditarod.
The guy on the sled gets the credit, but all he's really doing is chillin' out - and whippin' dogs.
But it was a long, long week, huh? Okay, I feel like I'm with a passive-aggressive hypnotist.
Why do you want me to be tired? Because you yawned.
When? Just now? No.
Last night.
- During sex.
- Really? That doesn't sound like me.
Maybe you just misinterpreted one of my, you know, faces.
I know what a yawn is.
I don't know what you think you saw, but I swear I didn't yawn.
Sex with you is my favorite thing.
I thought your favorite thing was when someone famous rings the bell at the stock exchange.
Well, they're both big turn-ons.
We're fine.
Oh, boy.
For a minute there, I-I was really spinning out.
Don't spin out.
We're good, I promise.
And I love you.
Wh-What are you doing? Nothing.
Oh, my God! - You're doing it again.
- No.
What I just did was a a silent cheer.
Hey, guys.
Something smells amazing.
Hey, kiddo.
You're early.
Yeah, sorry.
Um, I was kind of hoping I could talk to you about something.
Of course.
What's up? [EXHALES.]
Do you remember Jessica? Bud's old girlfriend, the one he had a tough time - You slept with her? - Wow, you got there fast.
I'm not new here.
Does Bud know? No, not yet.
I mean, it just happened.
I mean, I don't even know what it is yet.
Do I have to tell him? Well it's your personal life.
It's also your family.
It's been a long time since they dated.
Bud's moved on.
He's married.
But don't you think he has a right to know? And don't you think he'd want to know before it's too late? What? Robert's been breathing a lot of Sterno fumes.
Tell him when you're ready.
Why upset him unless it's serious.
Maybe because I really, really want it to be serious.
That'll be Bud, Allison and Cassidy.
- Oh, shit.
- Who's Cassidy? The girl you're on a date with right now.
Fucking Adam! Gonna rip him side-by-side new ones.
Or instead of doing that No, Mal, I'm not gonna key a compact car.
It's too sad.
Bri, pause for a minute.
Adam does a lot.
He's been here a long time, and he takes a lot of abuse.
So? Does he think he's the only person who can help me avoid Barry's lesbians? Or memorize my cycle? Or break in my shoes? Oh, my God, Mal, he can't leave me.
- So get him to stay.
- How? Do you have any strong tape? - Brianna.
- You're right.
Scotch tape will do.
He only goes to the gym to flirt.
Did you ever think that your employees might be more loyal if you nurtured them instead of terrorized them? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, you're serious.
- Get it? It's a capital city joke.
Um, so how do you how do you know Allison? We were roommates.
A billion years ago.
God, that place was tiny.
Oh, it seemed huge to me, but, you know, - my first apartment was an iron lung.
- Hmm.
Cassidy plays violin - in the San Diego Symphony.
And Coyote teaches music - at a middle school.
- Oh! I know that was meant to be about similarities, but somehow, it hurt.
- Eh, I'm only second chair.
- Oh, what a loser.
Crudités! Get 'em while they're not fondue.
Cassidy, I forgot to ask.
You like melted cheese, right? Uh, only in enormous quantities.
Hello! Robert? Sol? Carl? - You didn't tell me Frankie was coming.
I didn't know she was.
Hey, Mom.
Why? Wow, I get to meet all the parents.
As I always say, the more, the weirder.
I'm not here to be weird.
I'm just here because Robert forgot his bowler hat.
It's a thing I'm trying.
You know what, I'm glad you're here, because I have your hat in the other room.
Come with me.
- That hat is not working.
Where's my hat, man? No, Frankie, that was just - Hold this.
- Why are you here? Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell Sol I know anything.
I'm just here to start a few teeny-weeny healing rituals for him.
You won't even notice me.
Because your hat ruse was so smooth? Look, I'm just gonna burn a little sage, hide a few dozen healing crystals.
Frankie, you of all people should understand.
When you had your stroke, you wanted to deal with it in your own way.
- This is different.
- How? It just is.
This is happening, pal.
Wear the hat or don't.
But get out of my way.
Remember, be nurturing.
I'm gonna be nurturing.
I'm gonna chew up that cover letter and spit it into his little baby bird mouth.
Maybe don't mention the letter.
Appreciation is more effective if it's spontaneous.
Got it.
Be nice.
Get the fuck out of my office.
All right.
You, uh, wanted to see me? - [ADAM CLEARS THROAT.]
You've been here a long time, and we've been through a lot together.
Are you okay? I can see a lot of your teeth.
I'm fine.
And moreover, you're fine.
In fact, you're good.
Okay? You're good at your job.
And, um your hair never moves.
- What? - And you you always have gum.
Do you need something? Is it blood? Damn it, Adam.
I know I take you for granted, and I tell myself it's because I think of you less as an employee and more as a friend, but if I really were your friend, I'd tell you you deserve much better than the way your asshole boss treats you.
Please don't leave Say Grace.
We need you.
I need you.
You're not supposed to ovulate until the tenth.
Shut up, or you won't get this small raise and meaningless new title.
- Wait, really? - You earned it.
Managing director of Ask-Mallory-I-Forget.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go update my Grindr profile right now.
And throw out that stupid cover letter, okay? What cover letter? - Okay, okay, I yawned just then.
- Aha! But I didn't yawn in bed.
And even if I did, which I didn't, what's the big deal? If it was just a yawn, that would be one thing.
Let me put this in terms that you will understand.
- Coupled with the other data, the - Data? Do you have any idea how many times we've had sex in the last three weeks? - What? - Five and a half.
I know the night you're referring to, and that still counts as one.
Well, fine.
Still not great.
So you're counting now? Oh, my God.
Numbers don't lie, Nick.
Why are you measuring sex at all? Because it's an essential relationship metric.
This is insane.
And I got news for you.
None of this is gonna help me get my numbers up.
- So, isn't Cass great? - She's terrific.
- Shouldn't we get back in there? Oh, yeah, totally.
I figured I'd propose a, uh, Sunday mini-golf double date, seeing as we have a foursome.
Bud, I'm not feeling it.
Oh, that's cool, Fun'n'Junk has go-karts, too.
No, I mean I'm not feeling Cassidy.
Are you serious? I had to beg Allison to let you meet this girl.
Yeah, and and I appreciate that.
Well, quit telling me you want to meet someone nice when what you want to do is chase tail and nail cater waitresses.
Okay, before you say something else mean I'm seeing somebody.
Hold on.
You text me when you perfectly toast a bagel, but not to tell me that you're seeing someone? You acted weird when I told you I bumped into Jessica.
Well, what does that have to do with this? I'm seeing her.
You're done? - [FRANKIE.]
- Good.
With this room.
- [SIGHS.]
I'm setting the table.
Frankie, if you guys have resolved your hat thing, would you like to stay for dinner? I would love that.
Thank you.
Sol, the last time I checked, the girls were running dangerously low on jicama.
You should have told me right away! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Frankie, you can't stay.
I know this is scary for you, and I get wanting to do something, but you can't fix Sol with rituals.
Oh, so says the guy who goes to Mass once a week.
Twice this week, actually.
I guess we're both relying on faith in something.
I suppose you're right.
I gotta be honest.
My faith isn't doing a damn thing for me.
- Maybe mine can help.
Got anything for crippling guilt? You've come to the right faith.
Jessica-who-broke-my-heart-Jessica? Jessica-from-20-years-ago-Jessica.
Like that makes it less of a knife in my back? That's a little dramatic.
At most, it was a gentle back-forking.
What are you doing in here? You're being rude to Cass.
- Forget Cass.
- What? Why? Because he's seeing somebody.
Why didn't you tell us this before I convinced my hottest friend to come eat Sol's grody disco food? Because it's Jessica.
Who the fuck is Jessica? But if Elke fell down some stairs, you'd be first chair violinist? Yeah, I guess so.
The word "jicama" comes from the old Peruvian for "ground apple".
You told me.
But now I'll retain it.
- So you gave Adam a small raise.
- For nothing.
- I gave him a small raise for nothing! - [SIGHS.]
But don't you feel better knowing you made him feel appreciated? It's not just about the money, it's the principle.
And the box of clicky pens I thoughtlessly agreed to.
He draws a hard line.
And now we're back to square one with the letter! [STAMMERS.]
Who is the Judas? Sharon? Erica? The guy whose name I always forget? [WHISPERS.]
It could be anyone.
If it could be anyone, that means you think everyone here feels under-appreciated.
Well, I'm not made of pens.
And what has everybody done to earn my appreciation, besides their jobs, which they are paid for? I don't know.
Deal with your management style? - Stay late? - Okay.
Do nonsense things for you instead of putting their kids to bed? It's you? Oh, my God.
It's you.
I don't know about this, but I feel silly.
And I feel pretty sure this is blasphemy, but here we are.
Bless me, Robert, for I have sinned.
What do I do now? Put a quarter in? No.
You list your transgressions.
And then I'm off the hook? Well, I'm not qualified to give absolution.
This is more an exercise in honesty.
Okay, let's see.
I cheated at the Jumble yesterday.
Okay, every day.
I use Bud's HBO login, even though I know it's taking bread from the mouths of content creators.
I never correct the guy at Yogurt Cantina who thinks I'm blind.
Come on.
And a few years ago, when my ex-husband left me for someone else I wished that he would get cancer.
So do you want to sentence me to burn in hellfire forever? Wow, have you never seen this before? Not even in the movies? Frankie, it's okay.
You're human.
You were angry.
But I specifically wished for something in the groinal area.
And maybe I did a spell.
What if my anger was so powerful, it had powers? Grace told me she wished I'd died.
She didn't mean it.
Neither did I.
I would never wish something bad on him.
Other than the time I wished something bad on him.
Well, in my limited capacity to do so as a layperson, I absolve you.
And how long till I actually feel absolved? I don't know.
I'm still waiting myself.
Don't feel guilty for telling me about Sol.
Oh, not that.
Then what else is there? Layperson to layperson.
Here, switch with me.
- Go ahead.
Unburden yourself, my child.
It should have been me.
The bad news should have been for me.
I'm the one who was supposed to go first.
I was never supposed to live without him.
You know what? This one is for you.
Some of my faith for some of yours.
- Neither of you is going anywhere.
What the hell is going on in here? Somehow I ended up on a date with Cassidy, and we have nothing in common.
Oh, Sol.
You told her.
You want an espresso? I've had a few today, so I won't yawn during sex.
But I may have a heart attack.
Hope that won't hurt our numbers.
Why are you bent out of shape? You're the yawner, not the yawn-ee.
Well, it's not so great being the yawner either.
You think I want to feel like I'm letting you down in that area? Who says you're letting me down? You just gave me a shitty performance review! That wasn't supposed to make you feel bad.
How could it not? You know what I never liked about dating younger women? - They're too hot? - No.
The pressure to keep up.
To have sex after ten.
Hell, to be awake after ten.
I I didn't think I'd have to worry about that with you.
Well, maybe I'm worried because I know how this goes.
In the beginning, it's two times a week, then it's one time.
Then it's only New Year's Eve and St.
Patrick's Day.
Then only when "Guns of Navarone" is on TV.
I've seen "Guns of Navarone" three times.
Well, this is a different relationship.
I mean, for one thing, I'm not gay.
I know.
But it's the only thing I have to compare you to.
Which is good for me in in a lot of ways.
Can we please give each other a break? I was so excited about coming home to you tonight and just hanging out.
I've never had that feeling before.
Neither have I.
I would rather have this than all the relationships I've had - put together.
Me too.
I've never had a relationship where I could even talk about this.
- I think we're in one right now.
- Yeah.
You know, I like that I can tell you things and not be afraid that you're gonna think less of me.
Me too.
So can we go to sleep now and leave the math to the nerds? I'd love to.
- Nick? - Hmm? I think I'd like to be tied up.
I'll Postmates a headboard.
- Alexa, dim the lights.
- [ALEXA.]
Just so you know, my safe word is "Stop".
This whole thing is about some girl you dated 15 years ago? It was 18 years ago, and she broke my heart.
Do you realize who you are talking to right now? Yeah, I I gotta admit, Bud, it's not a hot look.
Cassidy, wait! - Where Where are you going? - Yeah, we haven't even eaten yet.
Right, but if I leave now, I can get home in time to kill myself during Kimmel.
- Wait! I'm coming with you.
- Uh, going with her where? Anywhere I don't have to listen to my new husband - obsessing over an old girlfriend.
- I'm not obsessed with her.
- Just obsessed with who she's dating.
- Yes.
- That was the wrong answer.
- It was.
Get home by ten and pay the sitter.
I'm gonna go get Cassidy wasted.
Uh I'm pretty drunk already.
It was a lot of jicama talk.
I didn't want you all to worry.
Tough shit, homie.
That's what we're here for.
So that all the worry doesn't fall on you and Robert.
Think of it like cutting a pie.
I'm listening.
Well, Robert takes a slice of worry.
I take a slice.
The boys take a slice.
The fact you're keeping it secret means you know it's messed up.
I was going to tell you.
When? When you guys were having your first baby together? Oh, like the baby you have with your wife? [SCOFFS.]
Where'd everybody go? Ask Coyote.
I didn't do this.
You did this.
I didn't ask for Jessica to come back into my life, and now I gotta explain this whole thing to Allison when she's drunk.
Bud knows about me and Jessica? What? Is there anyone in this family who is not dating Jessica? Yeah, you! 'Cause you're married! Oh, you're gonna throw that in my face? Please don't fight.
Especially not now.
What do you mean, "especially not now"? [COYOTE.]
What's going on? Boys, let's go sit down.
It ain't easy sometimes Trying to just get by When you get broken down again It ain't because you didn't try I try to count the days That I've been disappointed So many hard times It gets disjointed But it's hard Trying to make a living When you get down again And you just keep giving, hey - Every time I get up - I get up Something comes and brings me down I get so low sometimes [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night!
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