Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e01 Episode Script

The Roomies

1 Well, I don't know ♪ Why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling ♪ That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared ♪ In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering ♪ How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪ Jokers to the right, here I am ♪ Stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
"Roomies"? "Roomies"? [GROANS.]
Who seem to feel we owe them 'cause our toilet blew up their house.
We should find out why, right? Unless we want all our customers living with us.
But that doesn't give them the right to use our house like a beach hotel.
They'll come to their senses after a week of over-priced pancakes.
Gotta get them out before they change into soft pants.
- Once those are cinched - Send them to a real hotel.
And pay with what? My credit cards don't work, yours never work.
Not like we can use the money in the freezer [GASPS.]
The money in the freezer.
We gotta get it out.
Why would they look for money in our freezer? Because you told them to.
If they find it, they'll say we can't spend it.
Or worse, want it for their new floors.
As if they need floors.
What are they, feet? - Could have been worse, Sol.
- Really? Right now, I'm wishing we took the cruise where everyone got botulism.
I'm saying I'm okay with all this because I'm here with you.
And maybe it's a chance for us to connect.
It's been a while.
Are you really bringing this up now? Our floors are waterlogged.
We may be facing mold, for God's sake.
But we're in a romantic place.
There is no chance for romance in our ex-wives' house.
Didn't stop us before.
I know we're in a rush, but quick feelings check-in.
I'm feeling irritated with your feelings check-ins.
- What about Nick? - I'm mortified.
I went from being a woman who didn't know her husband was gay to being a woman who didn't know her husband was a criminal.
Not sure it's an upgrade.
Well, next time, just marry a gay criminal and check off all the boxes.
What's going on with your box? Where's the rest of the money? Well, jeez, Grace, you never hide all the loot in one spot.
I hid it in four places.
And I've got a simple system to remember where they are.
Each stash is named after the Beatle most associated with his hiding place.
Paul: Mrs.
Paul's Fish Sticks.
Brilliant? I think so.
And how stoned were you when you came up with this? - I thought my hand was see-through.
- [SOL.]
Frankie! Uh, she's not here! Yeah.
What ? What the hell do you want now, Sol? And pancakes are 4 bucks.
Eyes up here, pal.
Hello? This is Agent Karin Fenmore with the FBI again.
Skolka, we'd like to talk to you.
Why in God's name would the FBI wanna talk to you? Okay, quick update: Nick got arrested and is in jail.
Grace got humiliated and is back here, and how do we feel about Thai tonight? - What? - We just had Thai.
Wait, what's this about Nick? Brianna, I understand how me being your supervisor is going to be weird, to say the least.
Not as weird as that time I saw you tanning your butthole but still weird.
I'll be going back and forth to headquarters in San Francisco.
But when I'm here, I'm going to need a real desk.
We'll have to share Adam, and most importantly, I'm going to need the respect that my new position calls for.
Am I making myself clear? Oh.
You're still here.
Did you at least bring me a muffin? I am not your muffin girl, Brianna.
I'm your supervisor.
But, yes, I brought you a muffin.
Is there something you wanna say? You know Brianna - Because - Oh, my God, this is taking so long.
I have work to do.
Good morning.
And for our first day in upside-down world, - things look the same.
- I'm assuming you have a purpose.
I don't think you can assume that.
But I need to have these papers signed - by Mallory.
- I get to sign something? Fun! Bring them here, please? Do it.
See what happens.
Do you feel lucky? No.
This is not my first rodeo.
I'll do the talking.
But we want to talk to you.
That won't stop her.
Skolka, we came back to seize the rest of Nick's assets and found that the couch had been ripped up.
And it concerned us because sometimes things are hidden in couches.
You mean like candies and such? More like cash.
Didn't Frankie mention something about money in the freezer? Do you know anything about the couch, Mrs.
Skolka? [GRACE.]
I know I really hated it.
You can imagine how I felt about Nick at that moment.
You took out your anger at your husband on your couch? No, I took out her anger at her husband on her couch.
Sure feels like your first rodeo.
I was doing her emotional work.
And, yes, it's a way of subtly robbing her of her feelings, and that's on me.
I think we're done here, Karin.
Good to meet you, Mount Rushmore.
My problem here is that you two were the only ones in that apartment.
Okay, Karin, I know where you're going.
I'm there, and I'm on my way back.
You see? Nobody sees.
I'm saying we have nothing to hide.
So you won't mind if Rushmore and I take a look around.
Actually, I mind.
There's a little thing I call "civil liberties.
" Everyone calls it that.
And what that means is, you don't treat the wife of the alleged criminal - as if she too were a criminal.
- I'm sorry.
Who are you? I'm her ex-husband.
And, yes, Grace can be harsh and often vindictive.
Lord knows she's had low moments, mostly due to drink.
Uh, is this gonna turn around soon, Robert? But she's a woman of principle.
And she would never lie to law enforcement.
And my ex-wife is also a woman of principle.
She might lie to law enforcement but only for a good reason.
Neither of them is gonna speak at our funerals.
Look, Karin, I'm a lawyer, and I've got you on unlawful search, witness harassment, and I'm just getting started.
Might as well leave now because you're not turning over one cushion in this house, today, nor next week, or next ever.
We'll get a search warrant.
Okay, then, well, we'll see you tomorrow.
How's 10:00? Rushmore? You're up early, right? Uh, perhaps we should show these nice agents out.
Actually, I like to sleep in.
Thanks for coming by.
God, that was too close for comfort.
At least we got them off our trail.
They're coming back tomorrow.
And I'll handle the money from now on.
Gotta get it to a safe place, then get it out of here.
What's a safe place with Sol and Robert around? The safe.
In my bedroom.
That they don't know the combination to.
I'll get the rest of the dough.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You have a system so you remember where they are.
Grace, I don't wanna kick you when you're down but you probably shouldn't have put me in charge of that.
Didn't you used to yell at the kids for scrounging through the cereal to get the prize? Prizes have gotten better.
Grace, I am really sorry to hear about Nick.
Well, I'm really sorry you heard about it too.
- And can we not talk about it? - Hey, if you ever need someone to not talk to, I'm your man.
It's just you deserve better husbands than you've had.
Thank you.
Are you gonna take your hand out? - No.
- All right.
We don't need to talk about that either.
Oh, wait a minute.
What are you doing? I've been ravenous lately and I don't know why.
Yes! We have all the fixings here for a spaghetti and meatball sandwich.
You'll ruin your appetite for dinner.
Trust me, I'll rally.
Oh, my sweet Lord, George has to be in here somewhere.
Oh, Sol.
Why do you keep walking into rooms? Because I'm ambulatory and curious.
- What are you looking for? - Solitude.
I'm on to you, Frankie.
What? To what are you referring? You gave us the room with the twin beds instead of the queen so we'd be uncomfortable and leave sooner.
Oh, right.
Ah, yes, my little Belgian friend, you are too clever by half.
But there is more, mademoiselle.
I also deduced you felt guilty so you pushed the beds back together.
That wasn't me.
I guess Robert did, then.
I know that "Sol-needs-to-talk" sigh.
And I'm always here for you.
But right now, I'm up against a ticking clock.
- Why? - Because we all are, damn it! Spill it.
Okay, so since my prostate surgery Robert and I haven't been, you know intimate.
Now I'm dialed in.
How's Robert dealing with it? Mmm! It isn't Robert, it's me.
I feel like I'm being betrayed by my own body.
How can I ever trust things will be the same? What if I'm not the same man? I feel like damaged goods.
No, you're not damaged goods, Sol.
Your goods just took a knock.
Let's get good energy going into that area.
I could do some Reiki healing.
- I'll take my pants off.
- Don't make this weird, Sol.
- Ooh.
Watch the door.
- I, uh No, no, no.
What are you doing? Oh, well, this is Dad and Dad's stuff that they told us to bring over.
There's more in the U-Haul.
Where do you want us to put these? Back to Robert and Sol's.
Barring that, I don't give a shit.
Is it me or is she being friendlier than usual? Yeah.
I was getting a solid "I tolerate you two" vibe.
Found it! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
My God.
Frankie when you're secretly looking for illicit cash, you don't yell out, "Found it!" - What's that? - My Reiki pendulum for dowsing.
- Does it find money? - No, but you found John.
Why is this John? Don't tell me.
"Sitting on a corn flake, waiting for the van to come.
" Oh, great.
The van is gonna come and take us to prison if we don't get the cash out by tomorrow morning.
I am all over that.
But first, I need to do some Reiki on Sol's hoohah.
What? On the DL, since the operation, he and Robert have been having some problems downstairs.
You know what I mean.
You used the word "hoohah.
" How could I not know? So as an Internet-certified Reiki healer, it's my duty to help him.
And we flooded his house.
Yeah, I know.
I feel bad about that too.
But I need their sorry asses out of here.
I'm looking for money and all I keep finding is them.
The text about Nick didn't surprise me.
This throws me off.
Hey, what's going on with my dad? Was he that upset about Nick? - Why would he be upset? - Isn't Nick why you're here? - Did Nick cause the flood? - A flood? Why do you think our parents are all living together? Our parents are all living together? That explains my dad.
Mom? Where are you going? We know you saw us! Girls! Well, what a lovely surprise.
Why are you here? Why'd you just put corn flakes in the safe? To lock in freshness.
Mom, we just heard the whole Nick bombshell, so you might be in shock.
- Certainly that he was caught.
- I can't talk about that now.
Anything but Nick.
What's with Dad and Sol and the flood? Anything but Nick and Dad and Sol and the flood.
- Uh, okay.
- I had an interesting dream last night.
Thanks for stopping by.
I'll be in touch.
- Okay.
- Where are you going? - We're not abandoning our mother.
- How about in five or so? She put corn flakes in the safe.
You're not going anywhere.
I'm sorry.
Are you my supervisor of leaving rooms too? Just I know.
I know.
Our new dynamic is a little rocky.
But I am taking Brianna out tonight for a real heart-to-heart.
Taneth gave me this gift certificate to Julianna's.
- Give it to me.
- It's fancy Excuse me? Robert and Sol need it more.
And I need it more than all of you.
Uh, that may be true, but isn't that a judgment call to be made by the owner of the gift certificate? Mom! That was my plan for dealing with Brianna.
Wasn't a great plan.
Oh, God.
You got this, Mallory.
How do you know? Because you took the job.
And you knew the shit-show you'd face with Brianna if you took it and you did it anyway.
Because being the boss is in you.
- You really think so? - I know so.
Okay, I need you and Brianna to get the fuck out.
Come on.
This is why I'm at a loss.
I need your take on this Mallory shit.
Brianna, this is kind of a private Reiki session.
Relax, Sol.
I'm trying.
If you wanna solve your problem, you need to start thinking like Mallory.
But right now, I need you to think like me.
I'm stoned and listening to the Beatles.
Where would I hide something? The Lennon closet.
I gotta go.
- Here, take over the Reiki.
- Oh, hell, no.
Hard pass.
I'll take over.
What's our focus? We're doing some groin work on your father.
Not great.
You need to keep her off guard.
Like this.
Brianna, Mallory's leaving without you! Like hell she is! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mallory! Mallory! [DOOR SLAMS.]
To the Lennon closet.
- Already checked.
Nothing there.
- What is that? Our way to get those bozos to dinner so we can search.
What are we gonna do about dinner? Thai is still on the table, right? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
[MAN 1 ON TV.]
I want your hands up and your guns down.
[MAN 2.]
You heard him.
Put them up.
Three men are about to get shot and I can't see the TV.
There they go.
So we feel bad about a couple of things.
First and foremost that our toilet exploded.
That must've sucked.
And, also, we haven't exactly been welcoming.
We feel less bad about that.
But still bad.
But less bad.
So to make it up to you, we've gotten you a gift certificate to Julianna's for tonight.
Yay! Your favorite place! Never heard of it.
Your new favorite place.
I'm not hungry.
You saw what I ate.
You said you'd rally.
This is very thoughtful.
We'll just use it another night.
You gotta go tonight.
- We already made a reservation.
- Then why don't you go? No.
Frankie and I don't need a romantic night out.
You and Robert do.
Why do we need a romantic night? Why? Because it's a thing people do now when their houses flood.
Jeez, Robert, pick up a New York Times once in a while.
- You told them? - No.
- I told Frankie.
- And then I told Grace.
Of course.
Five minutes after we move in and you're back talking to Frankie - when you should be talking to me.
- [SOL.]
Robert, this isn't like the other times I went to Frankie.
It sure feels like it.
You know where a perfect place to hash this out would be? Julianna's.
- Why don't you go and take Sol? - Robert.
- I think we did something bad.
- Stop following me! - Stop moving! Oh! That's where Ringo is.
What, the kayak? Like "Yellow Submarine.
" Oh, that would have been good too.
Oh, come on.
Uh, I know for a fact that you can still use bills after you've peed on them.
Never ever tell me how you know that.
In my defense, Andrew Jackson had it coming.
How are we gonna get that wet wad before they see it? Well, I won't be using the zipline you made me return.
All these years, you've been on me about talking more and actively listening.
And I have been trying.
But it feels like you just don't trust that I'll be there for you.
It's not about trust! Then why would you talk to Frankie and not me? It was easier to tell Frankie because it didn't involve her! Hey, ho.
Sorry to disturb.
How about instead of being sorry, just don't disturb? Frankie, we're in the middle of something.
And I wanna get you to the end of something.
Ta-da! The conflict-resolution sweater? Frankie, I'm not in the mood for your magical sweater nonsense! There's nothing magical about this sweater.
It's science.
Arms up, everybody.
That goes for you too, mister.
Get in here, Robert.
Oh, Robert.
- [SOL.]
There you go.
Get your arm in there.
- Here, stick your hand in the arm.
- [SOL.]
In there! - [ROBERT.]
Which one? This one? - [SOL.]
Your hand, yes.
For God's sakes.
- Here, let me help you.
Oh, God, for [FRANKIE.]
You would've gotten run out of the commune.
Oh, there.
So great.
I don't see the purpose of this.
Purpose is, you can't storm off so you have to deal with each other.
Sol, will you please storm off with me so we can have some privacy? Of course.
Step up.
Thank you.
And I'll be back with your toasted muffin post-haste.
And I would also like my muffin toasted.
And at a temperature I find agreeable.
Excuse me.
Yes? You don't seem to know where your desk is.
It's not a promising sign for a supervisor.
You know what, Brianna? Let's just drop the bullshit.
The truth is, I'm not your supervisor.
Thank you, Mallory.
I'm really your boss.
Now shoo.
I have work to do.
Think this is my first game of "Big Muffin, Small Muffin"? I invented "Big Muffin, Small Muffin.
" We just have to find George and we're home free.
Didn't he write "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"? What weeps? Besides me if we don't find that money.
The song is actually called "While My Guitar Gently Sleeps.
" No, it isn't.
Guitars don't sleep.
Sure they do.
That's why you have to put them away in their little beds.
Which is why I put it in the bedroom with the queen bed because he's British.
The only words I understood were "queen bed," and that's where I'll look.
Or is it "While My Guitar Gently Sweeps"? [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [SOL.]
Look away! - Oh, God.
Yes! [ROBERT.]
No! [SOL.]
Get out of here! [ROBERT.]
I thought you locked the door! [SIGHS.]
Mmm! So the conflict-resolution sweater worked.
You gotta feel good about that.
You are gonna dry-clean that for us, aren't you? - We're throwing it away.
- Okay.
I'll finish breakfast someplace else.
I can't eat.
Oh, God, the FBI's here.
They're early.
I thought Rushmore liked to sleep in.
The money is still in the safe.
Ha-ha, no, it isn't.
- I got it out of the house.
- How? You never even left.
I got it.
I got it.
It's open.
- Then walk through.
- I'm walking through.
We brought these all the way to the beach house just to bring them back.
Why are we the guys always schlepping things around? - Why aren't Brianna and Mallory here? - They have jobs.
So do we.
Oh, shit.
- Come on.
I'll be late.
Let's go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What the ? Grace! Frankie! Oh, what the hell, Frankie? - There's only four Beatles.
- Oh, God.
I forgot about Pete Best.
- The FBI is on their way down.
- Oh, shit! What are you cursing about? I'm the one holding it.
- How are we gonna explain this? - We're not! Before you run your mouth off to the feds, you should know the rest is in your house.
- What? - [FRANKIE.]
That's right, Sol.
You are in this up to your eyeballs.
And you're the tallest one here.
So do that math.
What you'll do is stuff that cash down your pants and zip up your mouth.
And zip up your pants too.
I understand why you're upset, but just listen to yourself.
- Do you realize what you're asking? - I'm not asking.
I am telling.
I am done with husbands who constantly humiliate me and do whatever they want without any thought about how it affects me.
- Now I'm doing the doing.
- But you're not doing anything.
- You're making him do it! - Without regard for me! Boo-fucking-hoo.
I've got a husband in jail, I'm not gonna get all weepy to have an ex there too.
They're monsters.

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