Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e06 Episode Script

The Wire

1 Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ [emotional music playing.]
What can you say about an icon who lived her life like a candle in the wind and left us too soon? Grace, do you wanna say a few words? No, I think you've sufficiently eulogized our toilet.
New hair, same sass.
It was a crazy ride, but I'd rather take a crazy ride with you than a normal ride with anybody else.
Except when you drive.
Oh, that was beautiful.
I've also prepared a rendition of "Amazing Grace" with the lyrics changed to be about the lack of funding for a toilet.
[clears throat.]
[sings note.]
- I'm flat.
Grace, give me a C.
- Yeah.
[blender whirring.]
Can you not? Hey! We're in the middle of something.
Now we're gonna have to start the whole funeral from the top.
I'm sorry.
I find it interesting that you seem to be grieving more for a toilet than the end of our marriage.
It's hard for me to grieve when you're here all the time.
I haven't had a chance to miss you.
If there was something I could do to get out of here, I would.
Oh, there is something you can do.
You're just choosing not to do it.
I'm not gonna rat out my best friend.
Your best friend.
I don't think I've heard you talk about him.
- Well, I didn't tell you everything.
- Yeah, no shit.
I can't wear a wire.
The tape will stick to my chest hair.
You've got a chance to wear a wire for the FBI? That's number 17 on my bucket list right after eating chocolate syrup in zero gravity.
I can't do it.
I couldn't live with myself.
I don't know how I'll live with you for another two years, nine months.
What happens when she wants to date again? - You wanna start dating again? - No.
- Already? - I'm not dating anyone.
I just I need to move on, and so do you, Nick.
We're too old to be stuck here together for the next three years.
You do this, you're free of your sentence and of me.
A toilet flush, how sweet the sound ♪ And of her.
You raise and lift my ass ♪ [light-hearted music playing.]
Got you a present.
Is it a time machine so we can go back to before you pushed me in front of the baby raccoon? Close.
It's a watch.
The watch that was stolen from me was a rare two-tone Rolex Daytona.
This is a Rip Curl with a plastic band.
This one glows in the dark.
You think you can buy my forgiveness so cheaply? I was hoping.
Look, can't we just let it go and enjoy the brunch? Who do you wanna sit next to, Peter or his sex idiot, Stevie? Why don't you just push me in front of the one you don't wanna sit with? Okay.
How about I go and pick up the crème fraîche for your fabulous salmon pizza? Interesting crème fraîche fact, people who are lactose intolerant can eat it because it's a fermented dairy product.
Are you sure you're okay going alone? I mean, a can of whipped cream might jump out at you.
Oh, my God.
It's been three weeks since it happened.
I've said sorry a thousand times.
Please tell me what I can do to make it up to you and America.
As I've said before, you could stop always thinking about yourself.
Maybe once in a while put me first.
Technically, I put you first when I pushed you in front of the raccoon.
Think of it like when you're on a plane and you're supposed to put the oxygen mask on your face before your child's.
You're all happy and breathing while I'm suffocating.
So crème fraîche it is.
I'll be back in half an hour.
So will this argument.
We've discovered you can't stand next to the microwave while wearing our eye butter.
- We're working on that.
- Great.
Well, thank you, everyone, for all of your hard work and wonderful ideas.
We've got a lot to chew on here.
Of course, thank you to our fearless leader, Taneth, for flying down from San Francisco for the whole week without a word of warning.
- Oh, even better.
- [Taneth.]
Just act like I'm not even here.
Go about your jobs and pray they'll be there for you next week.
I'm kidding.
Or am I? Good job, Mallory, and good job to the other people who matter less in the room.
[high-pitch laughing.]
[Brianna mocks laughter.]
[all chuckling.]
You think that's good? Check this out.
Mallory, I need to borrow this.
- You have my permission.
- "Hey, everyone, I'm Mallory.
I'm the boss now.
And today is No Confrontation Wednesday.
It's where we all sit around and smile at each other and apologize for things we haven't done.
And make cashew cheese.
[all laughing and applauding.]
All right.
All right.
- That was funny.
- [Mallory.]
Very funny.
Meeting over.
Right, Taneth? I'm not even here, but I will see you all again at 3 p.
Three p.
- I love working for strong, scary women.
- I'll tell you what you love.
Mallory, can I talk to you for a couple minutes? - Sure.
Is everything okay? - [sighs.]
You got a problem.
Is it my laugh? It's this weird epiglottal thing I have.
I know it sounds painful, it's not.
Oh, no, I absolutely hate your laugh, but, no, it's Brianna.
When I'm in a room, I like to know who the big dog is.
Newsflash, it's always me.
But I also like to know who the big dog is when I'm not there.
Don't tell anyone I did that.
It seems like Brianna is still commanding the room.
You know what you are if you're not the big dog? - The little dog? - You're the second banana.
I love a banana.
Not all the time, 'cause they have a lot of sugar, but I just can't let a banana run my company.
That's for dogs.
I hope I haven't given you the impression that I'm a banana.
You haven't left any impression.
That's the problem.
You have to get Dillard to admit he knew the ComTeq stock was gonna tank before he shorted it.
That's a natural conversation-starter.
"How did you know the stock was gonna tank before you shorted it?" You have started a conversation that way.
I heard you.
So it's not a terrible conversation-starter if you're not recording the conversation for the feds.
What does "shorting" mean? And a quick follow-up, what exactly is insider trading? - Why is it illegal? - I'll send you to business school later.
Karin, people who do this sort of thing don't talk about it with each other.
And when you say "this sort of thing," what exactly is this sort of thing? Actually, you know what? These two can help.
They can ask the questions and it won't seem suspicious.
Wait, what? I think she's saying we'll go undercover to catch a Wall Street player.
- I can't go undercover.
- Oh.
Are you afraid you'll go too deep and won't be able to come back? Yeah, that's my concern.
You didn't have any concerns five minutes ago.
- Because you were doing it.
- Look We've got to get Nick out of here.
- And you're standing firm on that? - Listen "There is something you can do, you're just choosing not to do it.
" Oh, I hate it when you quote me when I'm right.
Is that a yes or a no? You don't need to wear a wire.
- You just need to get him to talk.
- I guess it's a yes.
It's a yes for me too.
Since we won't be wired, I'll need to be outfitted with some spy goggles.
- What are spy goggles? - Oh, just get her some goggles.
This salmon tastes a lot like fish.
He has such an acute palate, and incredible thighs.
Those two things usually do go together.
As do salmon and pizza.
Bravo, Sol.
Don't you want it? I enjoy watching you eat it more.
So sweet.
And it's not good for your thighs anyway.
Robert, what a selfless thing to do.
Putting his partner's desire for pizza ahead of his own.
Want some? [Peter giggling.]
- [Stevie.]
Messy boy.
- Oh I'm embarrassed.
I'll bite your hand.
Oh, my God.
Is that a Rolex Daytona? It is a Rolex.
But my name's Stevie.
I had the exact same watch, but it got sto [pensive music playing.]
- Can you help me in the kitchen, please? - Can I finish my pizza? I'll bite your hand.
Excuse me.
- Am I in trouble? - We have a problem.
Oh, God, it's my pants, isn't it? Look, they're just like this.
It's a stiff khaki.
Might even be twill.
I emailed the company about it.
They have not responded.
Your pants are fine.
It's a problem I'm having with Brianna.
Am I really the right person? I don't know her that well.
I need your help.
You know when she was doing those jokes in the meeting? She can't do it anymore.
It makes me look like a banana and I need to be a dog.
Any way I respond to that, you could get me for sexual harassment.
But telling me about your slacks boner was okay? That was a misstep on my part.
- Can you just get her to shut it down? - No.
No way.
I'm saving all my points so she'll let me eat where I want on my birthday.
Oh, come on, Barry.
Delegation is a part of good management, and I am the boss telling my employee what he has to do.
I am the employee telling my boss she's making a mistake.
If you really want Brianna to stop scorching you in meetings, you gotta stand up to her yourself.
That's the only way she'll respect you.
But I don't want to.
You know I really love you, man.
Yeah, I heard you the third time.
[both chuckling.]
So great to meet such an old friend of Nick's.
I can't wait to hear what you two schemers got into.
Enough small talk.
How do you short stocks? I'm sorry.
Frankie's taking an online stock market class.
So she's thirsty for hot tips.
That said, do you mind if she asks you a few questions? Stocks are boring.
Let's talk about you guys and Shark Tank.
You were awesome.
That toilet is a million-dollar idea.
You think? Because we just buried her on the beach, but I can go dig her up right now.
It may be a million-dollar idea, but you make more than that with one trade.
How do you do that, Joe? By investing in companies like the Rise Up.
Or ComTeq? We're talking about the Rise Up right now.
He is a great investor because he's forgiving.
You're forgiving, aren't you? Right, Joe? What? I'll get some drinks.
Yeah, we have drinks.
So why don't you just hang here? Right next to Joe.
Hopefully he'll tell us about the big deals he's made.
Or he could make a big deal right now, with us.
You know, apropos of nothing, white-collar prison isn't that bad.
I'd be happy to hear anything Joe has to say as long as it's about investing in the Rise Up.
But there are other things we want to hear Joe talk about.
Like his legendary trade.
We back to talking about ComTeq? Now that we've established how great prison is, go ahead.
Know what? Why not.
You ladies seem cool.
We did our homework, we believed in the company, and then let's just say we stopped believing in the company.
Why would you stop believing? Who cares! He believes in ours.
I care.
Don't you want to hear the juice from a hot-shot trader? - Not really.
- Okay.
But this doesn't leave the room.
- The real story behind shorting ComTeq - Yeah.
[bracelets rattling.]
Well What are you doing? [jewelry rattling.]
I feel like dancing.
Near Nick's chest.
That sexy idiot who thinks I called him Daytona robbed us.
What are you talking about? Stevie Mazza is the one who broke in and stole all our stuff.
That guy? Think he pulled off a heist? Sol, he just learned today that salmon's a fish.
He's wearing my watch, Robert.
In our house.
And how did he know where the bathroom was? Yes, as if he's been in a house before.
Think about it, Robert.
Have you seen his biceps? They're the size of a sequoia.
Why would that guy be with Peter? You think Stevie entered into that relationship just so he could have access to the crown jewel that is our house? Finally, you're on board.
Sol, you've got to stop falling asleep to true crime podcasts.
The watch doesn't even fit him.
It was baggy.
But I bet it would fit me.
No, wait, Sol.
Hey, Stevie, would you mind if I try on that beautiful, unique, hard-to-find watch? Hard to find? It's right here, silly.
He always knows where things are.
- It's a gift.
- Mm-hm.
- Sol, is this really necessary? - Hey.
Look at that.
Perfect fit.
Okay, folks, I'm not even here.
Obviously watching you like a hawk, but I'm not even here.
Then let's start.
Erica, love the work you guys are doing with sales analysis.
- We just print the figures.
- And what a job you did with that.
Brianna, I hate to say it, - but I think your new lip tint name sucks.
- Is great.
What? Sounds like you're both right.
It's not that I don't love "Seductrix.
" It's that it's bad.
Take your team, come up with 100 options - by this afternoon.
- But it already is this afternoon.
Remember? It goes "morning, lunch, this afternoon.
" Hey, have you guys tasted the water in the water fountain? - So fresh.
- Yeah.
Know what wasn't fresh? Your new products report.
It's good, if you hate your eyes.
If my work is so bad, why don't you just have someone else do it? - I need to give you something to do.
- Woof.
What the hell's going on? This one went rogue.
I'd be going rogue if I didn't go rogue.
He wants to invest in the Rise Up.
So he shorted stocks.
I'm sure he had a good reason.
- Can you hear what you're saying? - I try not to listen to me, but I'll keep on talking.
We can make it work with Nick.
From now on, it will be "Grace and Frankie and Nick.
" - We're rebranding! - Frankie, if we don't go through with this, I am never gonna get my life back.
And I'll never get another chance to get this toilet made.
We will find an investor who's not a crook.
I promise.
Have you learned nothing, Grace? There are no angels in the toilet game.
Anyone up for busting Nick's friend? - No! - Yes! Frankie, I cannot live with my ex-husband anymore.
Okay? It's driving me insane.
I mean, it's not even him, it's how I become with him.
I get all passive and deferential.
I mean, I pretended to be an old woman for him.
- I even blow-dried his hair the other day.
- I do hate seeing you like that.
Well, then help me become me again.
You know, I've wasted too much time catering to the men in my life.
I know what this is about.
You just wanna be with me.
I do.
Okay, partner.
We'll find a way to Rise Up without Nick.
Take him away, Fenmore.
We're actually here to get the other guy.
Right, right, right.
Let's get this pigeon to stool.
Technically, in this scenario, you're the stool pigeon.
Thanks, nerd.
Bye, Derek.
Bye, Vanessa.
Sorry about that arm.
Get out.
What the fuck was that? - What do you mean? - Trying to embarrass me in front of everybody? My in-laws saw my taint on first meeting.
Can't be embarrassed.
But you can be put in your place.
I thought we finally figured out how to work together, but the second Taneth was there, you started acting out like a total Brianna.
I only embarrassed you this afternoon - after you embarrassed me this morning.
- You don't even know what an afternoon is.
When you're the boss, afternoon is whenever.
I know, 'cause I was the boss until I turned down a promotion for love, and you ripped the company out from under me.
Poor put-upon Brianna, mad that I took a job that you did not want at a company that Mom gave you.
You ever wonder why she gave it to me? Because she knew I'd be better at this than you.
Which I am.
- Don't walk out on me! - Ow! [gasps.]
Ow! Don't.
Brianna! No! Bony butt! What the fuck are you two bananas doing? Hey, guys.
We talking stocks? We are reminiscing about the biggest failure we ever had.
Oh, man.
How illegal was that thing? We tried to sell milk to the Chinese.
You are talking to the two men who invented "The Americo-Chinese Milk Company.
" A colossal failure.
- But a catchy name.
- Oh, yeah.
Come on, you probably made the whole thing back in one day with ComTeq.
You talk now.
Remind me, why did we do the milk thing again? You told me that the Chinese premier said that every kid had to have a glass of milk every day.
- You said it couldn't lose.
- It lost.
Turns out, when a billion gallons of milk spoils, you lose a lot of money.
I get why I did a dumb thing, but why go along with it? I wanted to hang out with you.
It didn't matter what we did, all that mattered was that we did it together.
You're a good friend.
Boy, he is a good friend.
I'm a good friend.
I betrayed a good friend once.
Who? Oh.
It was the worst thing I ever did.
Joe, you better go.
But before you go, could you have your money people give me a call? - What's going on? - Loved having you.
Now, get out.
Love you, man, but go.
I was about to start telling you about ComTeq.
Get out! I cannot believe Daytona did this.
The question is, what do we do now? I'm thinking we have some flan, some pleasant conversation, and when they leave, we decide if it's worth calling the cops.
We need to march out there and confront him.
That sounds like something I don't wanna do.
He robbed us.
He's a master criminal.
He's got the IQ of a plate.
You're just worried Peter will be pissed at you and won't cast you as Sky Masterson.
The thought never crossed my mind, that Sky Masterson is one of the great roles in the musical theater canon, and, yes, everything in my life has led to this.
Here we go again.
Robert thinking about Robert and not Sol.
You know I hate it when you talk about yourself in the third person.
Sol knows.
But because Robert won't do anything, once again, Sol will have to.
He may not stand on the stage in front of an adoring throng, but he will stand for justice.
Peter I have something to tell you.
What? - You're not going to like this - Wait! Leave these raccoons to me.
I'm sorry to say, Peter, but your boyfriend is not who he says he is.
First of all, he's far from dim.
Mm He's right up against it.
No, he's a master thief.
He took our keys from you, which we'd still like back, by the way, and broke in here while we slept.
- Where do you think he got that watch? - What? Robert, is this a performance? Because, as usual, it's way over the top.
I'm afraid the only one acting here is Stevie.
Trading on your good nature to pull a fast one.
I'm not good-natured.
Everyone knows that.
Why would I walk into this house wearing the watch I stole? Do I look stupid? No.
You look gorgeous.
And that's all I care about.
Come on.
Look at him.
He could be with anyone.
Why would he be with you? Oh, my God.
Are my? My eyes are leaking.
- Peter.
- [Peter.]
Don't talk to me.
Don't even look at me.
Wait! Peter, please.
I'm sorry.
I never should've said that about you and Stevie, but we had to say something about the watch.
Right, Sol? Yes, he's wearing my exact watch, and mine is nowhere.
And I always keep it right here in this bowl.
Except on the rare occasion when I keep it in this drawer.
Which is where it is.
May I say, Stevie, you have excellent taste in watches.
- Okay, so the dumplings are stocks.
- Mm-hm.
Only I know that they're gonna go bad soon, so I sell them at full price.
- Good.
- No, not good.
I'm not supposed to know they'll go bad.
There's no such thing as a bad dumpling.
School's out.
We'll try again tomorrow with kebabs.
Hey, your bestie has not called me back yet.
He's on the lam.
Soon as he figures out how to use a burner phone, he'll get back to you.
[knocking on door.]
Hey, Patty.
Hi, Nick.
[in creaky voice.]
Adelaide, isn't it a little late for gentleman callers? No, no.
It's still early, dear.
You don't have to do that anymore.
[in normal voice.]
What? You don't have to do that anymore.
What's going on here? I'm coming clean.
Grace doesn't need me to take care of her.
If anything, she takes care of me.
I don't follow.
It was an act so I could get house arrest.
Nick, what are you doing? I owe you for letting Joe go.
Besides, you were right.
Time to move on.
Also, I heard that the minimum security prison just got a steam room, so win-win.
Uh, no, they just took the AC out of the gym.
Take me away, Patty.
Thank you, thank you.
Except you're not going anywhere yet.
I can't just squeeze a felon into my Fiat.
There's a lot of paperwork and red tape.
Gonna take at least a week.
What does a guy have to do to make a dramatic exit around here? Well, if you're sticking around, Patty, you wanna buy some dumplings? They're bad.
Insider trading seems hard.
It's really not.
Ma said, "Wait for the moment" ♪ Gone home, went to bed ♪ While the other kids They're still outside ♪ I don't feel time when I sleep ♪ So I snuggle up with my sheet ♪ And wait ♪ For a brighter day ♪ It's hard to make a point ♪ When you're living so loud ♪
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