Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e11 Episode Script

The Horrible Family

1 Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪ Jokers to the right ♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ Ooh ♪ Is that a costume, or are you headed to a mushroom hunt? Hold the sass, ma'am.
I'm Frida Kahlo, I've had an epiphany about my expiration date.
Finally, you've realized it's bullshit.
Blowing past.
Do you know what "FOMO" is, Grace? "Fear Of Missing Out.
" Ha.
Yeah, it's what the Millennials cry when they miss the cool pool party.
Whiny babies.
Seniors invented FOMO.
We're the ones who need to worry about missing out on the good stuff.
But I found a FOMO hack.
We know that I'm biting the big one on August 27th.
Why do you have a dentist appointment on the 28th? That's the only time she can see me.
The point is, I have two-and-a-half months left.
Hence, today is Halloween, tomorrow New Year's, etcetera.
So, Grace, I ask you, are you ready to rumble? I'm ready to get off this fucking boat.
Thank you.
Put your back into it.
Thank you.
- Welcome ashore.
- You've got eyebrow on your teeth.
I didn't know that Coyote set a wedding date.
I got them to commit to July, thank God.
I used to go geode hunting with this woman who owns a llama ranch, so I was able to get us in even though it's peak llama season.
Only cost 50 geodes.
It'll be my first wedding at a petting zoo.
What a sad, sad life you've had.
- You can't move Election Day.
- That's what mail-in ballots are for.
I took the liberty of filling yours out.
You need to sign it.
I did that too.
- So who am I voting for? - Oh.
It took some convincing, but I finally got you to vote for Monica Lopez.
Ow! God, next time, close it before you throw it.
- Who's Monica Lopez? - She's incredible.
Thirty years ago, she was a domestic worker and she got fired by this horrible family.
On her long walk home, she vowed to change her life.
- And she did.
- She does look familiar.
Who's the horrible family? They don't know that yet, but Reddit is on it.
What's keeping those trick-or-treaters? June.
Monica who? Lopez.
She's running for Congress.
Sol has three of her campaign signs out front.
And one right over there.
Well, let's see what Sol's been blabbering on about.
"The socks you wear with Birkenstocks should be called Birkensocks.
" Oh, here.
Monica Lopez.
Yes, she has a dramatic story about going to law school after a horrible family fired her.
I remember.
I'm glad you've learned to take notes for the unimportant file.
How about that? You can teach an old dog new tricks.
Here's some news for you, old dog: - Mm? - We're the horrible family.
I'm thinking about taking a stand-up comedy class.
Oh, that's a good one.
- Oh, you're serious.
- It's cool.
I can take your heartless laughter because as a comic, I have thick skin.
And when did you become a comic exactly? When I won "best effort" at the middle-school talent show.
I got braces in middle school.
You don't see me bringing those back.
I have seen you trying to bring those back.
- Oh, yeah.
- How about a little support? Of course.
Of course.
It's just such a weird choice for you.
Do you think you're that funny? Just ask anyone I've ever been in an elevator with.
Okay, there's "held captive" funny, and then there's "people who can leave" funny.
I can be "people who can leave" funny.
Oh, you don't believe me? I bet I can get laughs off of Jessica's parents today.
Ooh, a bet.
Seems like a great addition to your family thing I didn't want to go to in the first place.
Boy, that steroid cream makes you mean.
Hey, everybody, listen up.
We have some news.
Unfortunately the llama ranch was shut down.
Turns out some of the llamas were underage.
What does this mean? It means we have to postpone the wedding a bit.
How? Wait, wait.
For how long? Until November 9th.
Luckily they had an opening at Potato Chip Rock.
No, no, no.
- Autumn will not work.
- Oh, I disagree.
November is great.
Sufficient time to give notice to all our guests.
My cousin Debbie is coming down from Manitoba.
Fun fact about Manitoba: they have a huge prairie skink population, which, as I say it out loud, is a fact, but not that fun.
Would Cousin Debbie be interested in coming for a full-moon beach ceremony in two weeks? - Two weeks? - My dress won't be in yet.
She'll offer to knit you one.
I sure will.
I've never heard of anyone getting married on a potato chip before.
What do we throw, sour cream and onions? Are you doing live theater? Because I hate live theater.
Well, I think you'll make a beautiful November groom.
But he'd also be a beautiful July groom.
- There's still the matter of Debbie.
- It's two whole weeks.
What, is she traveling by coconut horse? Frankie, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but the answer is no.
What if I promised a private serenade by Canadian legend Celine Dion? I challenge Cousin Debbie to miss that.
Cousin Debbie is deaf.
I feel like we're bending over backwards for Cousin Debbie.
Mom, drop it.
Okay? Planning this wedding, it's stressful enough.
We're lucky we got a spot at Potato Chip Rock.
We hiked up there on our first date.
It's perfect.
It looks like you're standing on a Pringle.
But you're a Doritos man.
Frankie, the kids should get married on whatever snack food they want.
As long as it's before August 27th.
The heat is on.
Reddit is trying to unmask the horrible family.
What's a Reddit? I'm told it's a group of angry boys on the Internet.
The story isn't true.
We wouldn't fire someone for unjust reasons.
We fired her for smoking in the house.
Remember? Our wall-to-wall carpeting always reeked of cigarettes.
Oh, my God.
We had wall-to-wall carpeting? In our home? And she stole.
Remember? I'd buy cookies, and boxes would disappear by the shelf-full, and then you figured out it must be her taking the cook Oh, dear God.
It was you? You ate the cookies? Of course I did.
I was a repressed man and I needed an eatlet.
- A what? - An eatlet.
An outlet to eat my feelings.
So you stole cookies from your children and framed our housekeeper? You could have at least given her a ride home.
- They said she walked 10 miles.
- Well, I assumed she had a car.
- Yeah.
- Jesus.
We were horrible.
But we're not the same people we were then.
I mean, I'm gay.
What the hell does that mean? It means as a member of a marginalized group, I understand that Monica's injustice is my injustice.
Oh, come on.
The only injustice around here is you wiping out the Keebler Elf population in one sitting.
My point is, we've changed for the better.
Yeah, but if the Reddit boys figure this out, we are going to be crucified.
I don't want to be remembered as somebody that terrorized a young woman.
I want to be remembered as the Bonida Bandida.
Sure you do, honey.
What about you? You want to be remembered for your gay John Adams, or for your crimes against Monica? I wasn't playing him gay, I was gay when I was playing him.
But I see your point.
Is there anybody that knows our true identity and would talk? Mallory and the other one.
The other one would give us up in a heartbeat.
You're bombing.
Usually there's an emcee to warm up the crowd.
All I had was Jody's endless story about extreme couponing.
She bought a boat with coupons.
She's a freaking wizard.
You think I don't know that? I can't follow a wizard.
What the hell are you doing? Seizing the day, what's it to you? I haven't seen you this pushy since you broke someone's nose trying to get Vanilla Ice's autograph.
And I was pretty bummed when it turned out not to be him.
So why are you trying to shotgun this wedding? Because I'm dying.
And that's when your mother fired her and unknowingly birthed a movement.
Thank you, Robert.
- Holy shit.
- I can't believe this.
You're the horrible woman who fired Monica Lopez? We were the horrible family.
We were just kids.
Look, did we have blind spots? Yes.
I mean, it was the '90s.
But we've changed.
Yeah, we had carpeting back then.
If you treat people badly, it will come back to haunt you.
I've always known I came from terrible people, but it would be so validating if everyone knew.
What about Monica's second-hand smoke? We had to think of you girls inhaling it as you played, uh Hearts and And beads and such.
Brianna, you were the one that screamed bloody murder for days when she shrunk your Barbie clothes.
Now that I think of it, that was the tipping point.
The Beach Barbie clothes? And I specifically told her to hang-dry the bikini.
Oh, my God, I'm part of the problem.
Mom, please tell me you didn't accuse Monica of that.
Who else would it have been? I mean, maybe that Rochelle girl next door? The one who ate bugs? Roly-Poly Rochelle? She had the heart of an angel.
It was me.
No way.
You never did anything wrong.
You were like a Stepford child.
I am a real person.
A person with feelings.
And you can only get noogied by Brianna so many times before you snap and put her Barbie bikini in the dryer.
It was a cry for attention.
Which failed and then cost Monica her job.
Wow, Mallory, wow.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you tell them who was really smoking in the house? You were nine.
Are you kidding me? Elsbeth? We've had this intervention before.
Oh, they all bleed together.
Sol, please.
I've dreamed of walking Coyote down the aisle ever since the day we adopted him.
I can't risk missing it.
There are no assurances that any of us will be here in six months.
You think I'm not scared? I worry-weep into my pillow at night.
But it's just part of aging.
Where's the fight in you, man? What can we do? We can't cheat death.
But we can cheat time, if my Avatar sequel is to be believed.
It is not.
Look, all we have to do is convince them to have a summer wedding.
Frankie, this wedding is not about you.
It's about Coyote and Jessica.
When you say it that way, you make me sound selfish.
I see your point.
Now wipe that "Carpe Diem" off this cake and let's show Allen and Jody your normal side.
Okay, buster, I will drop the wedding business, but you have a lot of nerve asking me to be normal.
Is Frankie okay? She seems a little frantic.
She's fine.
She fell off a horse at Medieval Times.
Oh, goodness.
Did she get a traumatic brain injury? That would explain a few things.
No, no.
I was joking.
Coyote worked at Medieval Times for about five summers, two of which he can remember.
I was the squire for the red knight.
A fancy way of saying "cleaned up horse poo in a cape.
" Hey, everyone.
Frankie and I wanna make a toast.
To the new members of our family: Allen and Jody, we are so honored to have you here.
And, Jessica, you're a dream.
And I've always wanted Allison to have a sister.
So thank you for making our boy so happy.
Think he's happy now, should've seen him last week.
He made a cool five G's with a blind bet on an obese camel.
I think the camel was actually blind too.
- What? - Bud But not as blind as Coyote, who was married to a lady named Missy Pachangas.
Don't worry, folks, they're divorced now.
The camel's single too.
You were married before? Don't blame yourself.
In this family, it's hard to keep up.
Our honeymoon money came from a camel race? You told me that was a profit-sharing teacher's bonus.
Oh, God.
First rule of economics, kiddo: public schools don't give teacher bonuses.
Okay, I screwed up.
Why would you lie to her about that? Because the truth sounded bad.
You think that sounded bad, you should've heard the camel cross the finish line.
Bud, stop.
Shut up.
Shut up.
We can laugh about this.
We just have to get over the hump.
I think we've had enough live theater.
Honey, I need some help yelling at you in the other room.
What is up with you? Nothing.
I swear.
It's just me being stupid.
You know, to be human is to be fallible.
Isn't that the incredible thing about hitching your horse to someone else's wagon? In that spirit, I'd like to propose a toast Sol, the moment has passed.
Maybe the perfect way to say "I'm sorry" is to say "I do.
" - Frankie - I'm serious.
I could get you a street-legal wedding today.
Oh, Frankie, Vanilla Ice is on the phone for you in the kitchen.
I don't believe you, but I can't take the risk.
I'll be back in a jiff.
So she really did fall off a horse at Medieval Times? You were chain-smoking in pigtails and you let us accuse Monica? My God, child.
What are you capable of? I was stressed.
Hey, at least Monica got out.
We had to stay and grow up in this family.
What was so traumatic about your childhood? That I didn't let you watch Ren & Stimpy? Cartoons are for kids who go to recess.
You never let me be a kid.
You made me carry a Lee Iacocca lunchbox.
The only thing in it was a Wall Street Journal.
Oh, well, I'm so sorry that I prioritized your education.
Well, what about my education? All I got was carrot sticks and lip gloss.
I wanted everybody to go with their strengths.
What was your strength exactly? Pretending like you weren't in a loveless marriage? Oh, yeah, guys, that lack of love part was hard not to notice.
Might have affected us.
I probably would still be smoking if I hadn't learned a healthy way to redirect my anger.
You know, outwards, toward humanity.
Okay, look, I did the best I could.
Maybe I gave you the wrong things, but I tried to give you something.
My mother didn't even notice if I went to school.
Didn't even notice if I came back.
Didn't notice if I snuck a drink.
I always assumed I'd be a better mother than she was.
I guess the bar wasn't very high.
Grandma was a bitch.
Both your grandmas.
I hid in the closet with éclairs and travel magazines to avoid my mother.
Pez? Vodka.
I cannot believe I fired a hardworking woman because I couldn't face how miserable we all were.
Oh, God, girls, I am so sorry.
Oh, no, ew, Mom, please stop.
Just It's too late for us.
Save it for Monica.
We do owe her quite the apology.
Yeah, but we can't ask her to alleviate our guilt after all this time.
Why don't we just out ourselves to the vigilantes? Let them really go at us.
Or do what we all know we're going to do and write her a fat check.
What's the amount that says, "We're not asking for redemption, but we're open to receiving it"? Frankie, you promised you were going to leave this alone.
Don't you see what's happening? Coyote lied to her.
That's Number 6 on our list of warning signs.
He hasn't pulled a Coyote since he's been sober.
You heard.
He's on edge with this wedding.
Remember Warning Sign Number 3? - "Freaking out before a big event.
" - Yes.
Remember what happened in 2010? Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat.
Yes, but it was also the year Coyote had the longest happy streak of his life.
He was dating that lovely girl who smelled like cucumbers.
She helped him get that great job at the record label.
And then he did too much cocaine, even for a record label.
Why does our beautiful boy refuse to believe he deserves happiness? That's why we have to get him to the altar.
The sooner the better.
If you're gonna keep doing this, maybe more jokes, less insulting your family? It's called roasting.
You don't roast someone in front of their future in-laws.
- You just made them all miserable.
- Oh, trust me, that is not true misery.
I know because I'm a divorce lawyer.
I deal in true misery.
Day in, day out.
And I'm trying to get out of that and into something that might bring me some joy.
This is about you trying to get out of your job? Is stand-up a way to let off steam, or are you telling me you're looking for a new career? I just want to be able to explore something else.
And this could be my way out.
No more dealing with dickhead clients that pay me extra to screw over their life partners.
These Dementors are sucking my soul out through my eyeballs with a straw made of my own innards.
- Jesus.
- Sorry to be so graphic.
How long have you felt this way? More and more lately.
Exponentially, the last few weeks.
I'm so sorry.
Me too.
I just wish you would've talked to me before jumping 30 steps ahead and planning a Netflix comedy special.
Yeah, it sounds silly when you say it out loud.
Hey, you know I want you to be happy.
It's just It's complicated when you have a family.
You're right.
Maybe I just hit a wall, and I need to work through it.
But are you gonna be okay with being a divorce lawyer? Yes.
- I don't know what got into me.
- Mm.
I've got you, I've got Faith.
- I've got everything I ever wanted.
- Mm.
- Except - Never gonna happen.
The Hansons just made a very generous donation to Monica's campaign.
You can't put a price on a clear conscience.
Wanna bet? You owe me $1000.
Wait, you guys.
It wasn't us.
What? Reddit just identified the family, and it's George and Henrietta Sanderson.
- You're kidding.
- Well, how about that? Any chance we can get our money back? - Can we do that? - No.
Well, maybe.
Forget it.
We may not be the horrible family, but we were horrible enough.
We did all that emotional work for nothing.
I was bordering on introspection there for a minute.
But this is good news.
We weren't the worst.
That's something.
Yeah, we should put it on our family crest.
"We weren't the worst.
" To not being the worst.
To not being the worst.
We're just asking you to hit the pause button.
Five days ago you didn't even know he was married.
To be fair, I didn't know I was married.
What's the harm in postponing the wedding? - Just for a while.
- Thank you, Allen.
And now to Frankie, tagging in.
I agree with you in that we're talking about a wedding.
But let's tie this knot ASAP.
Frankie, I just need a minute.
I'm not past the fact that you lied to me.
I can explain the lie.
Sometimes Coyote gets a little nervous before a big event.
Surely we can all relate to that.
Weddings can be traumatic for the happiest of couples.
I threw up in a bird bath before mine.
You can stop making excuses for me.
I am 40 years old.
So, what are we waiting for? Let's get you hitched.
Jessica is only 36.
Allen, you're not thinking here.
What about the things that could happen between now and November? Murder hornets attack, Cousin Debbie gets snowed in, Coyote goes off the rails, California secedes, becomes part of Mexico.
What do you mean I go off the rails? That's the one you focus on? It's certainly the one I'm focusing on.
Why would you say that? You're just under a lot of pressure.
In the past, you've had a tendency to When things are going well, to maybe make them go less well.
Oh, my God.
You think I'm gonna Coyote this.
Not if you get married before the murder hornets hit.
Coyote, why did you just use your name as a verb? Because that's my mother's way of saying that she doesn't believe in me.
In that case I am going to Allen all over this wedding and suggest we postpone it indefinitely.
That's really not how you use the phrase.
I'm sorry, Jessica, but Coyote is clearly not ready.
No, no, no.
He is ready.
I'm just making sure he doesn't get in the way of his own happiness.
Wow, Mom.
I can understand you know, them doubting me.
But you? You know, maybe I am who you all think I am.
What have I done? If I'd never heard your voice ♪ If I'd never touched your hand ♪ I'd mistake love for a blade ♪ You're the reason why ♪ Love makes people sing ♪ Love you ♪ Love you ♪ Love you ♪
Previous EpisodeNext Episode