Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e15 Episode Script

The Fake Funeral

1 [theme music playing.]
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪ Jokers to the right ♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ Ooh ♪ Yes, Jerry, I'm calling about the ice sculpture for my funeral.
I understand you left it outside, but I can't find it.
Joan-Margaret, did you see anything outside? No, just a big bucket of water.
Nope, we didn't see anything, but we'll keep looking.
- Bye.
- Yes? Oh, damn it.
Mountain Dew says no.
They're not going to sponsor your funeral.
- Well, where are we with Mr.
Pibb? - We're trading calls.
Frankie, dust off your toilet cape.
We are back in the toilet game.
Oh, my God, you finally heard back from Toidy-toi Toilets? Not only did I hear back, we have a meeting with the CEO tomorrow at 3 p.
Oh, no can do.
That's the same time as my funeral.
This is our last chance.
He flies back to Tokyo tomorrow night.
Well, you can't go either, you're my maid of honor.
This is a real thing.
That's an insane thing.
So I'm feeling we cancel the insane thing.
But I'm dying on Thursday.
- You are not dying on Thursday.
- I am! And if you don't believe it, could you just go along with it, because I'm your best friend.
Frankie, I have gone along with it.
For three months I have placated you, I have taken you to the doctor, I even tried to find your murderer.
And you failed.
- And he or she is still at large.
- This is just ridiculous.
I am not gonna miss a meeting with the most important toilet man in the world for a fake fucking funeral.
How could you not come to my fake fucking funeral? I will come to your real funeral, but I am going to this meeting, by myself.
You can't go by yourself.
Who will spice it up with hilarious sound effects? Hopefully no one, since it's a business meeting.
Well, we'll have a better time without you anyway.
A funeral is no place for a buzzkill.
[man on tablet.]
The mother gazelle can only watch as the lions and hyenas appear to put their differences aside to kill her calf.
Good Lord.
Robert, ready to go? Hmm? - Go where? - Your doctor's appointment.
You didn't forget, did you? - I don't have a doctor's appointment.
- Sure you do.
You told me to make an appointment to check on your blood pressure, your memory, your cholesterol.
You thought that was gonna work, didn't you? Thought what was gonna work? I'm just being super normal.
You almost had me.
But I'm not going.
You got sloppy, kid.
Why on earth would I wanna check my cholesterol when everyone knows it's terrible? That's so weird.
Because I thought So weird.
Sol, you tried to gaslight a man whose favorite movie is Gaslight.
Oh, God, how could I have forgotten? Perhaps your memory needs checking.
I'm sorry, but you have to admit yours has gotten worse.
I'll do no such thing.
I don't want you to be embarrassed at the funeral.
You're worried that I'll be embarrassed at the funeral for a woman who's not even dying? That's rich.
And just for that, you-know-who is coming to the party.
Yep! Party Robert.
I thought you retired Party Robert in '87.
I'm bringing him back to show you I'm as sharp as ever.
I'll wow everybody with my old stories just like I did on that Ireland trip where Party Robert was born.
You know, you don't have to be Party Robert.
You can just be Regular Robert.
Or even better, Quiet Robert.
- Party Robert in the house tonight! - It's tomorrow.
Never correct Party Robert.
You should take the bread maker.
Just too many painful memories.
Are you sure? I mean, I do love the smell of fresh bread.
And I want you to have that smell in your new life.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Did we ever use the bread maker? - [knocking on door.]
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
How are you? I'm fine.
I'm just I just want you to know that I am here for you.
Oh, thank you.
That means a great deal.
Your support means everything.
- I'm gonna go pack up my Legos.
- Yeah.
What? I haven't had a chance to talk to him since you guys broke up.
I wanted to make sure he was okay.
I mean, having to choose between you and his own daughter? Come on.
He was the one who went back on our deal.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I am firmly Team Brianna.
Thank you.
It's just sad that he spent so much time in a relationship that was never right for him.
And you too! You know what would go with those? The silver tea set.
Would you like it? I just know how much you like shiny things.
Are you sure? I feel like I'm taking you for a ride.
You keep giving me all the expensive things It's just really important to me that we're not those people who fight over stuff.
- You know? - Totally.
I'll go get it.
- Hey, Barry? Come here.
- Yeah? Okay.
Brianna is screwing you big-time, all right? She's giving you all the high-priced items that no one ever uses, so she can have the practical stuff you use every day.
No, that can't be right.
Look at this amazing electric soufflé maker she's leaving me.
The last time you made a soufflé? - Oh, my God, she's screwing me.
- Yeah.
I'll make you a list of all the things you need.
- But I get to keep the sushi bazooka? - Jesus, Barry.
This is a hard one.
Mom? - Are you okay? - Oh, totally.
I'm just a little stoned.
You wanted to see us? We have to have a serious talk.
Here, sit.
As you know, I am dying on Thursday.
- Is that still happening? - Yes.
And boys, you must promise me when I am gone, you will always look out for each other.
Of course, Mom.
Can we stop talking about you dying, please? No.
And now it's time to discuss your inheritance.
Bud, I leave you permission.
Excuse me? I leave you permission.
To liquidate your half of the beach house? No, that's going to Grace.
And you keep ruining the moment so I have to say it a third time.
I leave you permission.
Um Thanks.
And, Coyote, I leave you the entirety of my earthly estate.
- What? - You're leaving him everything? Not everything.
I leave you Permission.
Yes, I heard.
And both of you boys should feel free to use your inheritances as you see fit.
I will.
Mine's a word.
Yes, it is.
Hanson? - I'm Youko, Mr.
Fujibayashi's right-hand.
- How do you do? He's really looking forward to meeting you and Mrs.
Oh, um - I'm afraid Frankie couldn't make it.
- Oh, no.
Is she sick? Well, she's not well.
- This might be a problem.
- Why? Mr.
Fujibayashi was quite taken with her on Shark Tank.
And while he respects your business acumen, what really interests him is meeting the team of Grace and Frankie.
I'll reschedule.
But don't worry, he'll be back next spring.
Oh, no, no.
We need to do this now.
And, um, the truth is I'm both members of the team.
- Both members? - Yes.
I write the material.
It's like Simon & Garfunkel.
You know, Simon wrote and Garfunkel is a zero.
He has the voice of an angel.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water"? Well, yes, but my point is, Mr.
Fujibayashi will not be disappointed to meet with the team of Grace.
I'm in here.
Mourners, welcome.
Eat up! First, I drink up.
You came to this sober? Rookie.
We've got Del Taco coming and a frozen yogurt bar with a casket full of toppings.
I can't believe Frankie's making us do this.
It's rude to speak ill of the dead when they're standing right there.
Frankie, I'm so sorry for your loss of you.
It's no biggie.
I'll be back.
If a cow moos at you funny, just say hello.
Oh, you look good.
- That's 'cause I'm Party Robert today.
- Oy.
Thank God.
Somebody needs to liven up these stiffs.
It's like they've never been to a funeral before.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I heard about everything.
And I just want to say I can't imagine how hard this must be for Barry.
Excuse me? Yeah, I've been thinking about the little guy nonstop.
He's like seven feet tall.
His heart is for sure.
And, um, I don't have a cell phone right now for reasons beyond my control, um, but when you see him next, can you give him this number and tell him to call me? Thank you.
- Hey.
- Oh, no.
Coyote told me everything.
Do you know if Barry has a good therapist? My guy is great, but he is kind of expensive.
Oh, you know, it'd be a nice gesture if you offered to pay for it.
Uh, excuse me? I just feel like when you break something, you should pay for it.
You really still talking? - Are you guys talking Barry? - I'm worried sick about the little guy.
I'm a little guy too.
You bitches.
I have to take it all in.
This is the first of my last meals.
Subcategory, "A Taste of the Asiatic.
" Darling, stop torturing yourself.
No fork.
I will not insult the Chinese people and the noodles.
There's only one good thing about dying young.
I will never become a sad, old mangled loser who uses a fork for noodles.
J-M, let's get this funeral party started.
Everybody outside! [conch trumpeting.]
Well, that's a nice touch.
Why the conch shell? I guess she felt things weren't annoying enough.
Welcome everyone to Frankie's funeral.
And remember, darlings, you can't spell "funeral" without the word "fun.
" Now before we head to the beach, you should know, you're all required to do a eulogy.
What? And no pressure, but these will be the last words I'll ever hear.
So, make it poignant, funny, heartfelt, and haunting.
That's an easy target to hit.
You will each be given 12 minutes.
You are welcome to go over, and you are forbidden to go under.
- Permission not to do this? - Denied.
Yeah, hi.
I don't really know you that well.
Dig deep.
This is fun! So, in closing, we believe that the combination of our idea and your technology will finally usher in a new age of toilets for seniors.
[cell phone boings.]
Are there any questions? Very impressive, Mrs.
It was a lot of compelling numbers.
And one "boi-oi-oing.
" Thank you.
Thank you.
Your product seems to be a great match for our brand.
You and Mrs.
Bergstein could be very valuable to our business in the U.
, perhaps globally.
So, can I call you "partner"? You know, a successful business relationship starts with a strong foundation.
Shared trust.
Are you aware of the Japanese tradition of nomikai? Sure.
Sharing drinks with friends, colleagues, potential business partners Ah.
So, you will join me and my team for a little sake? Well, if by "a little sake," you really mean "a lot of sake.
" It seems you are more fun than you appear to be.
Didn't get that from my "boi-oi-oing"? [both laughing.]
I can't wait to hear what you pick for your karaoke song.
Now, please excuse me.
[speaking in Japanese.]
Um He's not serious about the karaoke stuff, right? He's very serious.
It's his favorite thing.
There's not enough sake in San Diego to get me up there alone, singing.
I don't even sing in the shower.
Here's the thing: karaoke is very important to Mr.
To him, it's about humbling yourself in front of the team.
Right, well, I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty humble already.
So, maybe I could drink extra? I'm afraid he'll perceive you not doing it as putting yourself above the team.
- And that's not good? - That's bad.
Oh, fuck me.
We don't have all day, people.
The woman is expiring tomorrow.
It's hard to write a eulogy with you standing over me screaming at me to write a eulogy.
Some comedian.
Hey, why don't you do all the speeches? You get everything.
You should get all the speeches too.
Oh, I get it.
You're mad at me about my inheritance.
You know, it's like Dad used to say: It's fair, it's just not equal.
Yeah, well, he also invested in something called Betamax, so you fucking tell me.
I think talking about this on the day Mom's dying is disgusting.
Mom's not dying today, she's dying tomorrow.
You don't know anything.
That's lovely, darling.
Not that.
Why are we even doing this? Grace should be doing the eulogy.
Why isn't she here? It's weird.
Hey, Mom, where's Grace? Obviously, she's someplace else.
I guess she couldn't be bothered.
Now get back to writing damned adorable things about me! Not that.
[on voicemail.]
You've reached Frankie.
I'll get back to you.
Unless it's after Thursday.
In that case, look up to the sky and wait for a sign.
Frankie, pick up your damn phone already! You know I can't get up there and sing without you.
And we have a chance to make this deal.
But only if you get down here quickly.
You know, I've stalled as long as I can.
I'm parked outside the bar and they think I'm lost.
Frankie, um, I know I broke your karaoke machine, but I will Oh, shit, I just remembered I blamed my grandson for that.
Well, Frankie, I promise I'll get you a new one, but only if you can get down here right - Oh, I found it.
- Yeah.
My grandson broke my GPS.
- Well, it worked.
- Yeah.
- Let's go karaoke.
- Yeah.
I'll be right there.
We need to all go in together.
It's all the store had left.
- What are you doing here? - You asked me to come.
I didn't mean it.
- Fine.
I'll leave then.
- No.
You can't leave now.
I'll look like the asshole who told you to leave.
- You are telling me to leave.
- But now I'm telling you to stay.
In fact, I need you to do me a favor.
Convince everybody that you've been doing really well since the breakup.
Why? Because nobody is asking me how I am and it's bullshit.
If they think you're doing great, I will maybe get a few crumbs of sympathy.
But I'm getting the everyday plates.
- Is the kitchen okay for this? Okay.
- Yes.
[sentimental music playing.]
Dearly beloved, Frankie will not be dead as long as she is alive in our hearts.
And here on this beach.
Right over there.
- [J-M chuckles.]
- [all applauding.]
So she's trying to extend the crosswalk time to let older people actually make it across.
But she's on the verge of failure until Grace shows up and saves the day.
I actually know Grace better than Frankie.
Thank God she's still with us.
She is still with us, right? Oh, Christ.
So, Frankie comes up with the most brilliant idea for a vibrator Shit, that was Grace.
Oh, fuck you.
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie.
I think we've all realized something today about this amazing woman That it's impossible to think about her without thinking about Mom too.
Oh, fucking try! Okay! Okay, okay.
Well, I remember when they, um They? They? Come on, get off of here.
Frankie! Did all of you not get the memo that this was my funeral? One of you must have a story about Frankie without Grace.
Oh, come on! I'm not just part of a duo.
I have a solo career too.
Like the guy with the great voice who left Journey.
The new guy is fantastic.
Somebody left Journey? The hot little Filipino fella? Anybody? Anything? Oh, oh! Wait! No.
How is it that after everything I've done, every memory you have of me is with Grace? When did I become a sidekick to my own life? You do realize I've been painting for years.
I did that without Grace, didn't I? Anybody have any painting stories? Painting is solitary.
It's not a rich area.
You know, I do remember this wonderful painting you did of this woman who looked like Dracula, drinking a martini, and she Allison, don't you want to stop telling that story? Why? You know what, I'm out of here.
And I mean, I am out here, but first, I'm out of here.
And I understand this is confusing.
Where are you going? To paint something that's not Grace.
It was a painting of Grace.
Hey, thanks so much for telling everyone you're doing okay with the breakup.
Did it work? Not really.
Apparently, everybody just likes you better than me.
That's a surprise? I mean, our couple name was "Barry.
" Anyways, I appreciate it.
And I know it's hard to pretend like everything is fine.
Actually it wasn't that hard.
- Why, though? - Because I wasn't pretending.
I am fine.
Aren't you? Oh, yeah.
Like, yeah.
I'm better than fine, even.
I mean, I'm actually kind of relieved.
I can spend time with Molly without worrying what you're gonna think.
Maybe I'll have another kid.
It just feels right for me.
And look at you, you're doing great.
You know? You're 41 years young, got the whole world ahead of you.
You don't have a job, so you can do anything.
It's a fresh start.
I'm so excited about my future.
You should be.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Oh.
Sorry, I gotta take this.
It's work.
I'm not as free as you.
What's up? - Wait.
- What? I got it.
- A story about Mom.
- No Grace? Are you sure? Yep.
Nothing to do with Grace.
It's about how Mom changed my whole life.
Last year she asked me to come over to help her move something.
You know, a box of vibrators, a toilet, the usual.
And then I saw this portrait that she had painted of this unbelievably beautiful woman.
I was totally blown away.
Then that woman showed up, and I've been in love with her ever since.
And now we're getting married.
Never would have happened without Mom.
And I don't know if you even know this, but one night, Frankie pulled me aside and told me she planned that whole thing.
She was trying to get us together.
- What? - God.
Great story.
What's your problem now? I just found out that Mom gave you my ex-girlfriend even.
You're gonna be mad about that? So who ends up saving us from that bear? It was Sonia, our waitress from Dottie's Cafe.
It turns out her father was a Belarusian bear tamer from Smolensk.
How's that for my memory, mister? I don't know if any part of that story is true, but you remembered it beat for beat.
Okay, you two are adorbs.
And Party Robert? Come on! How did you manage to bag such an unbelievable gem? I don't know if I'd call him a gem.
Have you seen him act? Oh, please.
I can see we're gonna be friends.
No, thank you.
I got very lucky.
If you really wanna know the story of how Sol and I got together, settle in.
It was a beautiful East Coast spring day.
Yes, it was.
We were in New Haven, Connecticut.
We were at a bar on the pier, and I remember Sol had just dressed down this rude waiter.
He was drinking a martini with extra olives.
Uh, Robert, they don't need to hear I will never forget it.
The azure sky brought out those beautiful blue eyes.
And I can still see that green shirt with the popped collar That must be where Grace got it from.
- Robert.
- [Robert.]
What? I think you are mixing things up.
Weren't you and Sol at a hotel in New York? I seem to remember a kiss on an elevator? Oh, my God.
No, no, it's fine.
A senior moment.
Did anyone watch the sports yesterday? I didn't, but I hear people do.
That was your shot, kid.
Sweet Caroline ♪ [all.]
Bah, bah, bah ♪ I believe they never could ♪ Oh, no, no ♪ - Sweet Caroline ♪ - Bah, bah ♪ Eat my dust, Neil Diamond! I'll give you 50 bucks if you'll burn the place to the ground.
You're next.
Oh, I just remembered, I have a thing.
How about I call you tomorrow? Grace.
I am excited about your toilet and I'm excited to hear your song.
- Let's go back to the toilet.
- After the song.
I like the other order.
Oh, come on.
Everyone has done it.
You can't be worse than Youko.
Thank you, sir.
Let's welcome to the stage our favorite new American.
Grace! [all chanting.]
Grace! Grace! - Grace! Grace! Grace! - No.
Fujibayashi I respect you and your company and your rendition of "Sweet Caroline," but I can't.
- You must.
- No.
I really can't.
My worst nightmare is singing in front of people.
Me too.
Isn't this fun? Your turn.
Do you not understand? I can't fucking do it! [speaking in Japanese.]
It is frowned upon in Japanese culture to disrespect a potential business partner.
We have that here too.
It's the first story without Grace.
I'll just go up there and tell her she has to come down to hear Coyote's great story about her.
- Well, shouldn't Coyote do it? - [Bud.]
Wanna split it down the middle? Or do you want to take the whole story? - [Coyote.]
It's my story.
- [Jessica.]
Actually, it's our story.
So, how about you and I go? [Bud.]
I'm going.
I'm giving myself permission to go talk to the woman who gave me permission.
Do you technically have permission? ["Without a Word" playing.]
She hasn't passed away yet.
It's been so long now ♪ I know I should forget you ♪ But I ought to let it lie ♪ But I'm bound to wonder ♪ All about you ♪ No matter how I try ♪ There you are ♪ There you are ♪ There you are ♪ First a knock and then a crash ♪ And a staggering conviction ♪ That I might not catch up ♪ Like all the colors ♪ Running down a portrait ♪ And now it looks nothing like ♪ The one I fell in love with ♪
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