Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e01 Episode Script

Welcome to Sweetknuckle Junction

[Theme music] ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! GREG: Fact: There are 3.
2 million puppets or as we prefer to be called "Fabricated Americans " currently residing in the United States.
Despite our many accomplishments, most people would rather shammy their car with us than let us date their daughters.
But I don 't let it get me down.
After all, some of my best friends are humans.
[Pop music playing] - Hey, Greg.
- Hey, Jimbo.
- What are you doing home from work? - I hate being a pool man.
It's not like in the movies at all.
What, no horny housewives? All they want me to do is clean their pools.
At least you have a job.
It is impossible for a puppet to find work out there.
- They're hiring at the arcade.
- $1.
15 an hour to be Whackamole.
I don't think so.
You should see the guy I'd be replacing, talks like Muhammad Ali.
Why can't you just get me a job at Sweetknuckle Junction? Don't start, Greg.
I'm not calling my dad.
GREG: Come on, Jim.
- I'm not calling him.
- Fine.
Then I'm not going to stop doing this.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! It's not going to work, Greg.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Stop.
I'm calling him.
GlL: Hello.
JlM: Hey, Dad.
Hey, son.
What big award did you win today? You know I kid out of disappointment.
I know you're busy and have many insults to cram into one phone call, so I'll get to the point.
Do you have any openings for an assistant or something? [Exclaiming] Jimmy, this is great.
I'm so glad to hear you're finally taking some initiative.
I knew you had it in you.
I knew you would grow up sooner or later.
It's not for me, it's for a friend of mine.
I knew you would never grow up.
What was I thinking? - Hey there, Gil.
- Not now.
What kind of a future do you think you have as a pool boy? I'm a pool man.
All right.
Send your friend in, I'll see what I can do.
But I'm really worried about you, son.
I just read this article about children of highly successful fathers.
These kids sabotage their own futures because they can't compete with their father's brilliant accomplishments.
You baby-sit actors on some lame kiddie show.
I'm a director and you put too much chlorine in the pool and turned your mother's hair green.
Here we go, people.
Roll cameras.
Static electricity sketch.
Take one.
And action.
Hello there, Professor Ape.
What are you doing with those balloons? Just a little experiment with static electricity, Dottie.
Static electricity, blah.
You can count on my interest.
[All laughing] Just watch as I rub these balloons on my fur.
Rub-a-dub-dub and [Exclaims triumphantly] Can static electricity be used to Line.
GlL: Cut.
The line, Rochester, is: "Can static electricity be used to light up a Christmas tree?" The only thing that's lit up is Warren.
[Laughs sarcastically] Laugh it up, Rochie.
I may not remember the drive over here but at least I get my lines right.
Guys, let's try to get this right, because the new boss - from the network is here.
- Where'd she come from? GlL: PBS.
COUNT: Looks more like PMS.
Let's go.
Roll cameras.
Static electricity sketch.
Take two.
Can static electricity be used to light up a Christmas man? Christmas girl? Take 11.
Can annex mecitrocity be GlL: Cut.
ROCHESTER: Yes? Take 17.
GlL: Action.
ROCHESTER: Are we rolling? Take Who the hell cares? Can static electricity be used to light up my - Sorry.
- Cut.
That's a cut.
Damn it, Rochester, learn your lines.
Don't blame me, Jack.
Your timing's all off.
Look at his eyes.
He's as high as a kite.
I think he's toking doobies right now.
Don't go laying your head-trips on me, you freaky little mutant.
Ease off, Jack.
Did you say something, Anna Nicole? All right.
I don't need this.
I'm sequestering myself in my dressing room.
I do not wish to be disturbed unless somebody makes a yogurt run.
- Gil, I could run lines with Rochester.
- Dottie, not now.
Then when? I will not be dismissed.
Okay, thank you.
[Jazzy instrumental music] I'd like to see you right away.
Alison, I'm right in the middle of GlL: All right, take ten, everybody.
- Obviously, we know why we're here.
- Obviously.
This can't continue.
- I'm way ahead of you.
- So what do we do? About what? About firing Rochester.
Fire Rochester? - He's been with us since Show 1.
- I know that.
[Alison laughs] I know that.
I'm as sentimental as the next person, trust me, I'm so sentimental.
But his fur is thinning, his ears are drooping, and it's gross.
We need to find the next Elmo if we're gonna reach a younger audience.
We already reach four-year-olds.
How young do you wanna go? Fetal? Sometimes we've got to make the tough decisions.
Tell that to his 43 kids.
Please Listen to me, Alison.
I am not gonna be part of this lynch mob.
Loyalty is my middle name, and I will not fire the star of my show.
If you don't, they're gonna cancel the show.
I think we're saying the same thing here.
I would never fire Rochester, but I do think that he has to be replaced.
We're quibbling over semantics here.
At least, we're all on the same page.
And great meeting, everybody.
[Upbeat instrumental music] GREG: Cool.
- Name? - I'm Greg the Bunny.
I'm here to interview for an office job with the good people at Sweetknuckle Junction.
[Brakes screeching] Crap.
GREG: It's Rochester Rabbit! I hate that guy.
Are you all right? Rent-a-cop, let's say this was a good day for me not to wear any pants.
All right, here we go.
Hi there, Professor Ape.
I left a Popsicle on the counter, and now all that's left is a sticky puddle.
It's so cold, Professor.
You summoned me? Yes, Warren.
We're having a little casting session here.
We're thinking of making a small cast change.
You spotty bastard.
I give you the best years of my life, and this is how you repay me? The joke's on you, you godless bloodsucker.
WARREN: I am an actor.
I have range and I don't need your insipid little Muppet show.
I want you to read with the other actors.
We're replacing Rochester.
Oh Well.
Apparently, you do read the suggestion box.
I should've got a map.
There has to be somebody who can Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Oh, my God, my first celebrity sighting.
- How you doing? - Excuse me.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe I'm meeting you.
We need to get this place sprayed.
Count, I am your biggest fan.
I'm not The Count on Sesame Street and I don't know Big Bird, so buzz off, kid.
I know who you are.
You're Count Blah, right? Actually, I am Blah.
Count Blah, can I say that you scare the piss out of me - and I mean that from the heart.
- Please, you may call me Blah, blah.
- Okay, Blah blah.
- No, just Blah, blah.
- Just Blah blah.
- Blah, my boy, it's simple.
Just Blah, blah.
Just Blah blah.
Don't turn this into a freaking Abbott and Costello routine.
Just call me Blah and leave it at that.
I felt like I did not do a good job, you know.
If I can do it again, I could be more bear-like.
You did a really terrific job.
You were just great.
- You should feel good about what you did.
- Really? There you go.
On your way.
Could that bear read more gay? Nope.
[Knocking on door] Hi, Mr.
Bender, my name is Greg the Oh, my God.
Professor Ape! Actually, the name is Warren Demontague.
Get it? Real guy standing here, not TV time.
Sorry, it's just that I love you.
I've seen everything you've ever done.
Godspell, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Yes, if it was lame and about Jesus, I was there.
Gil, can we move this along? Greg, listen, why don't we hear what you can do.
I type about 60 words a minute and I'm a little wary of fax machines ever since I got my ears caught in one.
GREG: It was a little traumatic.
- That's good.
- Yeah? GlL: You're a funny kid.
One funny bunny.
GREG: Thanks.
Let's see how you read.
I can read.
Let's see.
"Hi there, Professor Ape.
Can you help me figure out "what happened to my Popsicle?" This is your script from the show.
Somebody call Harvard and see if they're missing a bunny.
Wait a minute.
Am I auditioning? You're an actor, aren't you? Yes, I am.
An actor, a very talented actor.
I act.
"l left it on the counter, now it's all gone, and all that's left is a sticky puddle.
" "That's because it melted.
" Something anyone would know who's not hideously inbred.
- Warren.
- I'm sorry.
I forgot my glasses.
Let's see.
"The sun heats the earth 32 degrees.
" "Here, feel this ice cube.
" "That's so cold, Professor.
"Just like the snowball I found.
" You know what? I love snowballs.
I even wrote a song about one.
- Want to hear it? - No.
[Singing] Snowballs, snowball what do you do with snowfall? You ball it up and make it stick and then you hurl it like a brick Snowball, you are my best friend Snowball, your love never ends Whether you are white or yellow you are sure my favorite fellow Snowball, I'm in love with you Snowball, you complete me Snowball, you make me rock my world You're right.
He's cute, quick, and does improv.
He's like Robin Williams.
Yeah, only not as furry.
[Humming] My only concern is that he's got a lot riding on him.
Are you sure he's strong enough to carry the whole show? [Chuckles] I've been doing this long enough to know a professional when I see one.
I say we hire him.
Break it down now, Snowball Okay.
But it's your butt if he fails.
Good news, Greg.
We want you to be on the show.
What you talking about, lady? You're gonna be the newest cast member on Sweetknuckle Junction.
Congratulations, Greg.
What? My God.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
My God, I'm so excited.
That's just a hug, right? [Greg tittering] This is going to be great.
I can't wait to see my dad's face when I tell him I'm your agent.
GREG: Where are you now? JlM: On the way to his office.
GREG: I love you, Junction Jack.
- Shouldn't you be loving girls? - All right.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, son.
What are you doing here? We got a pinball machine or something? [Laughs sarcastically] No.
I'm Greg the Bunny's agent.
And that pinball remark is going to cost you.
Come again.
I am Greg the Bunny's agent, and I'm here to negotiate his contract.
It's pretty cool.
This is too much coming at me.
How do you even know Greg? Remember the friend I called you about, for the office job? You hired him to be the star of your show which is hilarious, as he's never acted before.
Shut up.
All right, screw this.
You are like the worst agent ever.
When I get rich, I'm not even gonna hire you to be my pool boy.
Wait a minute.
You're not an actor? I can't believe you don't recognize him.
You drove him in car pool a few times.
Dear God, this is unbelievable.
This is It's a nightmare.
I'm having a stroke.
Why are you being so dramatic? He will be great.
He's a natural.
He's an amateur.
I need a seasoned professional here with range, who can perform under pressure.
What kind of range do you need to say: "Howdy, Junction Jack.
Cat's spelled C-A - "Where's the pickle? Hey, Dottie" - He's just kidding.
Little joke there.
That's all.
Is that it? You find that funny? Kind of, with the hands and everything.
Let me tell you something about television.
I vouched for him to the network.
I expressed an opinion.
That's the kinda thing that ends careers in this business.
Bender, don't let Jimmy make you nervous.
This is not a problem.
You're right.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna say that you had to take an Olsen twins movie and despite my insistence the network was a little late coming up with a contract and that should work.
That's perfect.
That'll fix everything.
But what about me? You're fired.
[Bluesy instrumental music] - Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Jimmy - did you see what's on TV? - What? - Not me.
- I'm sorry.
Just tell me what part of "He's never acted a day in his life" was the big selling point? I've said a thousand times, I'm sorry.
You know what I've got to say to that? [Farting] [Farting] My dishes are in there.
GREG: You know how hard it is for me to get a job out there.
I'm sick of working one day a year on Easter.
All right, I screwed up.
- I can fix it.
- How? We'll go down to the studio, we'll talk to my dad and we will get you re-hired.
Come on, let's go.
What do you think you're gonna say? Don't you worry.
I've got a plan.
Look, I'm shooting a television show in 10 minutes.
I need a loveable puppet, and get him here fast.
Just send over that gay bear.
You don't need a gay bear.
Greg can do it.
I really can't deal with you right now.
- Come on, man.
- I'll tell you what.
If you hire Greg back, I'll come work for you.
That's a sweet deal.
I get not one, but two idiots.
I can do it, Mr.
I know I can.
That's a cute sentiment, but you know what? This is cable television.
It ain't gonna happen.
- Gil, did you Greg is here.
- ln the fleece.
Gil told me you dropped out to do an Olsen twins movie.
What happened with that? What happened was that Gil here lured us back.
Didn't you, Gil? - Yes, I did.
- Yes, he did.
Yes, because you know what? You can't let talent like this get away.
- Right.
- You should've seen him beg.
- lt was pathetic.
- That's enough.
The important thing is that Greg is here.
Don't forget I'm here, too.
The important thing is that Greg is here.
You know it.
[Greg chuckling] What are you doing to me? Like you wouldn't want a piece of that.
I've got a show to do in five minutes, and the fate of that show rests on your furry friend's little shoulders.
If Greggie here can't cut it, if this puppet can't carry the show Sweetknuckle Junction will be cancelled.
- No.
- lt'll be over.
Let that sink in.
Now, you just go out there and have fun with it.
GREG: But You okay in there? GREG: It's dark down here and it stinks.
Rochie used to whiz in an old coffee can.
Welcome to the Dream Factory.
Places everybody.
Ready for Greg's intro.
You, out.
Cameras, roll.
Ready and action.
[Jack grunting] Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Junction Jack.
Say, Jack, what's wrong with the choo-choo? Well, I sure don't know.
I asked Rochester to oil her up, so I could run these pickles to the patch.
[Chuckling] But I guess he forgot.
That's not like Rochester.
Wherever could he be? [Upbeat instrumental music] [Whimpering] Hi.
Okay, cut.
Holy crap.
We're dead.
My bosses are watching this on the feed.
I gotta get married.
[Gil chuckling] My life is sliding into a big cesspool right now but I'm gonna keep on smiling because everybody's watching.
Smile with me.
Just smile.
Give me a smile.
That's it.
See if you can go over and do something about this.
- Dad-- - Now! - Don't worry.
- Yeah.
- What's the matter? - You know I'm a total fraud.
You heard him.
If I blow this, they'll cancel the show and everyone's gonna lose their jobs.
So don't blow it.
That's it? "Don't blow it.
" That's your best shot? Not since Vince Lombardi, has anyone ever given such a rousing and inspirational speech.
Thanks, Jim.
Greg, how hard can this be? Look at your co-star over there.
Crayons taste like purple.
- All right, let's do this thing.
- Let's do this! Okay.
All right.
Call action.
- What? - Call action.
Hi, everybody.
[Exclaims] Who are you? The name's Greg.
Greg the Bunny.
I just came here to read you a letter from my Uncle Rochester.
Read it, boy.
"Dear Everybody.
I'm never coming back.
"Goodbye forever.
" GlL: And cut.
- Son! - Dad! Greg! That was fantastic.
Come on, people.
This is the worst written show ever.
He is such a natural.
Greg, you're fantabulous.
Top-notch, my boy.
Thanks a lot, you guys.
Okay, Greg.
Now we need a close-up of you popping out of your hole.
GlL: Let's do Greg's close-up.
And action.
[Dottie screaming] Greetings from Bunnywood, dirt bags.
Rochester, what are you doing? I'm gonna cut up the pretty boy.
Let's see how demographically desirable he is with one eye.
Please, I'm a bunny.
I'm fabricated.
- I'm one of you, my brother.
- Shut up.
Rochester, my friend.
Don't do it, blah.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
Prison rape.
Come on, Rochie.
Let the kid go.
He's not worth it.
WARREN: Just face facts, man.
You're not the performer that you used to be.
That's not what your ex-wife said.
All right, give me the freaking scissors.
[All shouting] Jack, you crazy bastard.
You want a piece of me, fur ball? What did you call me? Let's go.
Die for me, Jackie.
Kittens and puppies.
[All yelling] I heard you sent for me.
You okay? Sure, this place is filled with freaks.
I'm gonna fit right in.
GREG: So puppets and humans may seem different but, you know, in the end, we all want the same things Iove, acceptance, and to luck our way into a cushy job that we really don 't deserve.
People, please.
This does not say hit show.
Rochie, what's going on? They fired me, Warren.
What? I'm shocked.
Apparently, they've been auditioning replacements behind my back.
Well, those two-faced gimps.
You joke? While they slapped my picture on every lunchbox in America now they're hiring themselves some pretty boy and tossing me aside Iike a dirty sock.
I'm sorry.
I totally drifted off on you.