Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e04 Episode Script

Greg Gets Puppish

[Theme music] ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! Game point.
Do you wanna give us a little luck here? GREG: Okay.
[Greg clears throat] [Greg chuckles] - Ready? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
GREG: So much of life comes down to choosing sides.
Growing up, Jimmy and I were always on the same side.
Mostly because no side wanted either one of us, except in softball where I was quite the stud.
But in all fairness only because my strike zone is smaller than the ball.
Star Trek's on in 15 minutes.
- Geeks.
- Yeah? Well, set your phasers to kiss my ass.
[Groans] That's game, guys.
- I can't believe we lost to a sock.
- What is that? GREG: It's all right.
Let it go.
You know what? We beat them.
Listen to your furry sock, or you're gonna get hurt.
Yeah, Jimmy.
Why don't you listen to your - I grazed him on the chin.
- And I grabbed him by the nuts.
That's what they're there for.
I didn't let go until the police came.
That's pretty good for a guy with no thumbs.
So, if it isn't Oscar de la Bunny.
- Hey, Blah.
- How'd you hear already? You didn't know? It made the paper.
Let's see here.
"Puppet bashing on the rise.
Percentage increase, blah, blah, blah.
Here it is.
"As recent as this past weekend "Greg the Bunny from the struggling children's show "Sweetknuckle Junction " This bitch is on my list.
"was the victim of racially motivated violence.
" What does it say about me? Here's something, but it's in the Men Seeking Men section.
[Greg laughing] God, no more pumpernickel? You know something? The bagels are for the talent, fatties.
- Bunny, you got a phone call.
- Take a message.
You might want to take this.
It's Hurbada Hymena.
The Hurbada Hymena? The puppets' rights leader? Go ahead and clear that up.
There's probably a bunch of them.
GREG: Yeah, okay.
Give it here.
Yes, hello, Mr.
Hymena.
HYMENA: Hurbada Hymena.
GREG: Hurbada.
Thank you, sir.
HYMENA: Remember me? Yes, I know who you are.
You spoke at the Million Puppet March.
HYMENA: I'd like to meet you, my friend.
You want to meet me? [Rock music] [Door creaking] [Door closing] Mr.
Hymena? Oh, my! Can I just say that it is a distinct honor to meet you, sir? Greg the Bunny.
Who are you? Greg the Bunny.
You were given the name "Greg," a name the flesh man uses.
But you are not one.
You speak a flesh language, but you are not one.
So, who are you? - A puppet? - You say it softly.
- Are you ashamed of it? - A puppet! - Mind if we speak Puppish? - No.
[Speaking gibberish] Of course, I'm not really gonna have any idea what you're talking about.
Our language is dying, my friend, and with it, our identity.
I know puppets that do not even know their Puppish name.
It really is a tragedy, because the kids today just don't-- - You are one of them.
- Yeah.
That is why I'm giving you the Puppish name Please don't say Corky.
- Bizzleburp.
- Bizzleburp? It's a proud name.
It's a name that shouts: "l am puppet.
Hear me giggle, gurgle, and gaggle.
" It ain't no Fonzie.
Bizzleburp, you can save our Puppish culture.
Me? You inspire all young puppets to think, to learn, and to dream.
You are the present, my friend, and you are the future.
The question is: Are you puppet enough to make a difference? Well, sir there is a very good possibility that I am.
[Soul music] [Soul music] And that's when he said that it was all up to me.
Up to me.
GREG: He repeated "up to me" twice.
I'm not exactly sure why.
I think maybe he lost his place but then he reached out.
He touched you? Nobody is supposed to touch me where my bathing suit covers.
Yeah.
That's right, Tardy.
Anyway, he reached out and then Hurbada wiped away my tear.
Dude, you were crying? Like, you're one to talk.
You bawl like a baby every time you watch Rudy.
Well, he's so little, but he tries so big.
I once saw a street puppet in an outfit like that get hit by a car.
He flew 30 feet.
It looked like a clown shot out of a cannon except there was no net, so it was funny in a different way.
Oh, God.
I wish one of the voices in your head would just tell you to shut the hell up.
My best friend growing up was a puppet and she had a Puppish outfit she used to let me try on.
I felt like I was wearing a rainbow.
You know, I have the utmost respect for such an adorable little culture.
Okay, places everybody.
Come on.
Let's go.
If we do this in one take, I'll buy everyone an ice cream.
GREG: Okay.
BLAH: All right.
That is so sweet considering the show is over budget and the ice cream's coming out of your pocket.
One scoop, people.
If you want a topping, you're on your own, okay? Let's go.
Jack, put the bagel down, please.
Greg, lose the outfit.
Dottie-- GREG: No.
GlL: What? I wanna wear this outfit on the show.
But it doesn't work for your character.
How can my puppet clothes not work for my puppet character? Look, I'm proud of this outfit, and I want to wear it.
In the eighth grade, he said the same thing about leg warmers.
ALlSON: I love the clothes.
I really do.
GlL: We all do.
But, see, your outfit is a political statement and it'll make it look like the network has an agenda.
Doesn't the network support the puppet movement? Of course we do.
We just do it passively.
I see.
"Passively," as in not at all.
Look, these clothes are very important to puppets.
Within them is woven the fabric of our ancestors, literally.
I think this guy here invented the cure for googly eyes.
Okay.
You caught us.
This is not a political thing, Greg but the truth is, and it pains me to say this that outfit makes you look fat.
I mean really heavy.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Like, morbidly obese.
You know people are gonna say, "What did he eat, Wilson Phillips?" She's not fat anymore, but there's three of them.
GlL: I'm glad we cleared this up, Greg.
So why don't you go back to your rabbit hole and come out without the dreamcoat, on action? Okay, fantastic.
Here we go.
All right, we're back, everybody.
But no ice cream.
You blew it.
[All groaning] All right, roll cameras.
Ready, and action.
Hi, everyone.
I'd like to invite you all to a surprise party for Greg.
I hear him coming.
Now don't forget to shout surprise.
Surprise, Greg the Bunny! My name is no longer Greg the Bunny.
That was my fleshie name.
From now on, I will only go by my Puppish name, Bazzlebob.
No, wait.
[Greg ponders] Baconboat.
No.
All right, I appear to have spaced on my Puppish name but I will get back to all of you.
Benzadrine.
Ben Vereen.
No.
All right.
You know what? Check your e-mails, okay.
You know, they just want me to shut up and take my clothes off.
Why don't they get Warren to shut up and Dottie to take her clothes off? They don't even seem to care that I am oppressed.
You're not oppressed.
When are you gonna get over this whole "poor puppet" phase? GREG: It is not a phase.
JlM: Yes, it is, Greg.
- You're the king of phases.
- Shut up, Jimmy.
I am not.
You acted like a Wookie for three days last month.
I was playing.
You slept in the costume and you answered the phone [Roaring] Yeah, for your information, some people found that funny.
What about your two-week obsession with Buddhism? I achieved enlightenment, didn't l? Yeah, but then you traded it for a clarinet.
You know, Jimmy, think whatever you want because I am a puppet, and that is no phase.
That is for life.
I'm not going to spend the rest of that life at the beck and call of the man [Pager beeping] That's Hurbada Hymena.
I gotta go.
[Door opening and closing] See you later.
[Soft rock music] See? Flame retardant, but that's neither here nor there.
I called you here today to talk to you about the future of puppet kind, Bizzleburp.
Bizzleburp.
I want you to speak at the National Puppet Convention in El Paso.
They had the most attractive convention package.
You want me to speak at NATPUPCON? Sir, that would be my honor.
No, sir.
The honor is mine.
The honor is puppets.
The honor is yours.
We live in difficult times, Bizzleburp.
These are trying times, and it's time we tried to triumph if the times try.
Keep the boat afloat! Okay, it's just that I'm not very used to public speaking.
One more thing before you go.
Keep your eyes open.
I've been catching up on Sweetknuckle Junction and I'm mighty disappointed.
I'm still trying to find my character's voice-- Puppet poppycock.
Now, I'm very pleased with your performance, Bizzleburp.
Yet, I am perturbed by the way puppets are portrayed in your program.
And in your position of prominence you need to penetrate and personify proper puppet power.
With all due respect, sir I think Sweetknuckle Junction is a good show.
You know, it teaches so much, and it really is wholesome edutainment.
Perhaps you need to ask yourself what is it edutaining.
Fleshie propaganda? Then you need to answer yourself, "Yes.
" I think it's time to decide what kind of message you want to present to the puppets of the world.
That's a lot to think about, sir, but your hand is on fire.
[Hymena gasping] HYMENA: Hot! Keep the boat afloat! And when Dottie finishes her thing that's when Greg paddles in and Jack says "What do you get when you add two pieces of ice with one piece of ice?" - What? - Three-zing.
[Shivering] GREG: Okay, cut! What? What cut? I'm the one who yells cut, and we're not even rolling.
How come it's the human who can add to three and the puppet who can't? - For God's sake.
- Here we go.
Greg, you know, it's no big deal.
Math involves the left side of the brain and we all know that that's where you guys keep your silly noises.
Look, I am not an idiot, Gil.
Okay? Why can't the fleshie ask the question and the puppet have the answers? It's the rhythm of the joke.
It's not funny when one person says, "Knock knock," and then the other says "l know who's there.
It's Fred.
" I think Greg is right.
Thank you.
When the revolution comes, this will be noted.
My friend growing up, who was a puppet and who was my best friend never felt that she had a good role model on TV.
Yes, the boy is absolutely right.
They way we puppets are depicted on television is deplorable.
You play a professor.
Not a good one.
I'm drunk half the time.
Why are you siding with him? I want a mini-fridge in my dressing room.
You can have the small square one, but not the taller rectangular one.
Done and done.
You're on your own, kid.
Warren, you are a self-hating sock.
A self-hating sock with a mini fridge.
All right.
Don't expect to buy me off with conveniently cold beverages.
Nobody's buying anybody off.
Why? Is there something you want? What I want is the respect that I deserve - and maybe a snow cone machine.
- You don't even like snow cones.
I like making them.
There's one pissed-off bunny.
I feel this is gonna end with puppets rioting in the streets.
This is the Fozzie Bear verdict all over again.
[Rhythmic instrumental music] [Horn honking] How about this? Junction Jack's foot gets caught on the railroad tracks because he's so stupid, and then the train bears down on him and it's got a big five on it.
Jack has a number two on his head.
So logically, the only way out of this mess is for someone to do the subtraction.
But the humans are like, "I'm a stupid human.
"l don't know nothing.
" So then I come in, and I save the day because I'm the only one who can do the math.
If you've got a calculator on that, we can figure it out right now.
I don't know.
Come on, you guys.
It's got a message.
It's got math.
It's got a train.
[Door opening] Shut the-- GREG: Guys, this is my roommate, Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Mushma and Rutagaba.
Mush, Rat, who's fuzzing who? [Both groaning] We're writing a script for Sweetknuckle Junction.
We're trying to get the puppet perspective on things.
I thought this was the puppet perspective.
[Gasping] I'm poking your foam.
So what are you saying? Just because I'm a puppet, I'm made of foam? You are made of foam.
So now I'm made of foam? Can you believe this guy? [Babbling] Anyway, Greg, are you gonna be finished soon because we're supposed to go play foosball? We have a lot of important work to do.
I was talking to Greg.
There's no one here by the name of Greg.
Is there, Bizzleburp? Greg! Right, that's me.
I'll tell you about the [Stammering] - What was the question? - Are we playing foosball or what? [Tense instrumental music] [Music playing] Thanks for coming, man.
You're a real bud.
Not like Greg.
It's loud in here, Jimmy.
It's okay, Tardy.
You're doing great.
Watch the ball.
Tardy, watch it! [Squealing] Uh-oh.
I made a smelly in my shelly.
[Rock music] Okay, people.
Listen up, please.
We're going to be tossing out our present scripts.
What? We will be performing a new script written for us by the good folks at the lnternational Puppet Alliance and our little friend, Greg.
- Beetlejuice.
- It's Bizzlebosh, I think.
And don't say Beetlejuice two more times.
All right, let's just do it once and get it over with.
Just to be clear - this has nothing to do with me.
- Or me unless we win some kind of award.
You guys cover your asses faster than the new guy in D block.
Can we just do this, please? Here we go.
Action.
[All speaking Puppish] What the hell is this? It's Puppish.
I speak a little.
My best friend taught me.
Why are we doing a sketch in Puppish? Because it's a dying language and kids today can't even count to whoop whoo.
And that's a shame.
Yeah, can we get on with this, please? Jack.
[Speaking Puppish] [Blah clears throat] Dottie, no.
You just cursed out the archbishop.
Oh, dear.
You need to blend the "eckle" and the "iddle" more.
[Speaking Puppish] [Blah correcting in Puppish] Okay, she wasn't my friend.
She was my maid, okay? My maid was a puppet.
Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make you happy? [Crying] My maid's a puppet.
She's terrible, but she's illegal, so I can pay her dirt.
Come on, Gregory.
Admit this is another one of your phases and let's be done with this nonsense.
Don't make us go through this the same way you did that stupid Wookie crap.
- You're stupid, Jack.
- No, you are.
[Both arguing] No, you You win this round, Jack.
Okay, just for the record, she ate with us.
[Groans] Stupid fleshie, thinks just because he's 6 feet tall that he's bigger than me.
Bizzleburp.
[Greg yelling] GREG: Hurbada.
Oh, my God! You scared my short and curlies right off.
What are you doing here? [Greg agrees] [Greg agrees] [Greg agrees] Fine, I'll say it in English.
We want you to stop living with your roommate.
[Greg exclaims] My God, it gets worse.
This page is only punctuation.
No, but if you relax your eyes, you can see kind of a three-dimensional dolphin.
What are we going to do about Gregory? DOTTlE: I don't know.
What's Puppish for straitjacket? I say we fire the kid, so I can knock down the wall between our dressing rooms.
Hey! Why don't you give him a break? Instead of stabbing him in the back why don't you try showing him a little support in the front? Let's face it, humans have been mistreating puppets for centuries.
It's nothing new.
We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce and the lollipops and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe, as yet, are unfulfilled.
- Tardy, did you get your sparklers? - I'm tough but nice.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
And then we trade their hides for cheap whisky during the War of the Roses.
DOTTlE: Is that true? BLAH: No.
We had them build our airplanes and our suspension bridges and our jet packs and our race cars but can you name me one puppet that's ever taken home the trophy at the Minneapolis 500? I dare you.
Can you? No.
I understood the Puppish better.
Now, look.
What's really at issue here is our friend and how we're gonna stick up for him.
So whether you like these changes or not, I don't care.
You need to admire one thing about Bizzleburp and that is his commitment and his perseverance and his never-say-die attitude.
Three things you should admire about Bizzleburp.
GREG: You know what? Call me Greg.
Warren, I stuffed your mini-fridge full of Hurbada Hymena.
[All exclaiming] GREG: The philosopher Wittgenstein wrote since it's through language that we think it is language that limits us.
While the Puppish language may have 16 words for furry it apparently has no word for Jimmy.
If you ask me, that just blows.
GREG: That's fascinating, sir, but your hand is on fire.
HYMENA: It's not.
GREG: It is.
HYMENA: We're done here.
GREG: Your hand is on fire.
[Hymena grunts] [Hymena exclaiming in pain] GREG: Your hand is on fire.
I know.
[People laughing] Hi, Mom.
Call 911.
What a freak.