Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e07 Episode Script


[Theme music] ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! GREG: Leo Tolstoy began Anna Karenina by writing that all happy families resemble one another, while every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Yeah, that's right.
I've read the first page of a lot of books.
And action.
[Warren clears throat] Dearly Beloved Beloved? That's a laugh.
Gil, do you want to ask Jack what crawled up his "A" hole? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the letter "P" sometimes silent especially if you bludgeon it with a heavy object? Jack, please.
Not in front of the lowercase letters.
[Mumbling incoherently] Tardy, this is an emergency, okay? See the woman walking this way? Her name is Laura Carlson and she's a reporter from TV Guide.
ALlSON: She's going to do a story on the show.
I know, it's huge, but I only just found out today, because my stupid assistant went to her grandmother's funeral and didn't tell me until just now.
So, Tardy, focus, okay? I really need you to stall her while I go warn the cast, okay? I finished my sandwich.
That's great.
So you're going to keep her occupied? Now I'm supposed to get pudding.
I'm not really sure you understand the importance of what-- I ate my sandwich.
LAURA: Hello.
LAURA: Hello.
Hello, you must be Laura Carlson.
I'm Alison Kaiser from the network.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Alison.
The cast is really pumped to meet you but I'm going to run to the restroom so what we'll do is Tardy the Turtle here will show you the set.
Alison has to warn everyone.
Oh, turtles.
[Fast-paced instrumental music] And so, by the power vested in me by Capital City I now pronounce you consonant and vowel.
I give it a year.
These mixed marriages never work.
Gil, look, can we just do this so I don't have to be here all day? Only I say cut.
I'm the one who says cut.
Now, let's take it from the top, please.
We have a reporter from TV Guide here in the building right now.
Oh, I know what this is about, and it is utterly ridiculous.
I am not an anorexic.
No kidding, Demontague.
You look like you ate an anorexic.
No, she's doing a story about us for the children's television issue.
Yeah, the whole angle is going to be how, even behind the scenes we're one big happy family.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.
And if we do this right, we could wind up on the cover which would do incredible things for me, us, the show.
This could be perfect.
I could plug my CD, entitled It's delightful, it's delicious, it's Demontague.
As much as I would love you to go plug yourself, this is not the time.
Do not embarrass me.
That's Junction Jack's dressing room.
That's the wall and that's [Screams] That's a turtle.
Look, people, I've had some experience in dealing with the press and the key thing is to talk in small, quotable sound bites.
Like if a reporter would ask me what you were all like, I'd say: "Hey, those people put the "sweet" in Sweetknuckle.
" Too much of a thinker.
ALlSON: Look who's here! Everybody, this is Laura Carlson from TV Guide.
ALL: Hi.
Wow, I hope she's as easy as their crossword puzzles.
No kidding.
I'd like to see a magician try to pull me out of her.
This is Gil Bender, our producer/director.
- Producer/Director.
- Hello.
I'd explain all the details of my job but I wouldn't want to bore you with the whole Spiel-berg.
Let's meet the cast.
ALlSON: This is resourceful Junction Jack quick-witted Greg the Bunny, clever Count Blah, learned Prof.
Ape and then on the other side of the coin, we have Dottie Sunshine and Tardy.
I want to show you something.
I'm like Dottie.
[Squeals] I have more of a shot with her than you do.
Oh, please.
I'm cute, I'm adorable, and let's face it girls are always wondering if what they say about bunnies is true.
[Greg humming] [Blower whirring] [Greg screams] [Jimmy chuckling] That was not funny.
Yeah, well, you started it.
I did not.
It was all because God.
Do you know what this is? This is Debbie Fishman all over again.
Oh, wow, you're right.
You remember how bad that got? [Romantic soul music] GREG: Debbie.
Jimmy said you wanted to get freaky, bunny style.
[Chuckling] GREG: It's cold in here.
[Greg exclaims in shock] Hi, Brad.
Hell of a tackle in the game the other day.
GREG: Is that guy still in the hospital? We cannot let that happen again.
No, we can't.
So when it comes to this reporter, we're just hands off.
Agreed? Agreed.
Oh, I've never gotten a massage during an interview before.
Try this.
Oh, that feels really good.
Plus, because I'm rubbing you with my feet, it's good luck.
[Greg chuckles] Greg, they dropped off a litter box in your dressing room.
You don't have to worry about falling in the toilet anymore.
- It's Laura? Jimmy.
- Hi, Jimmy.
I really loved that article you wrote about Elmo's battle with depression: Tickle me, Elmo.
The Day the Laughter Died.
It was great.
LAURA: Thank you.
JlMMY: Welcome.
I wish I could say he was doing better.
If you're not busy later, maybe we can grab some corn dogs and go check out the Laser Floor.
You know, before I forget, I am very thirsty.
I could really use a tall vanilla latte.
Would you be a lamb and make that happen? Yeah, Greg.
I can make a lot of things happen to your tall vanilla latte.
You know, as long as you're going, I would love a cappuccino.
He's going.
Bye, Jim.
Thanks for stopping by.
- Right here.
- All right.
Very tense.
GlL: Hey, Laura.
LAURA: Hi, Mr Gil.
Boy, you know when I see a picture like this I think America is gonna be saying "Show me the bunny.
" [Greg groans] You need me? Susan? Hey, Dottie.
Alison said something this morning.
Do people think I'm dumb? [Funky instrumental music] - Yes.
- Really? Well, you're blonde, you're pretty, you've got that funny voice.
- What funny voice? - Don't get too upset, honey.
People are always going to assume we're stupid because we're beautiful.
Could you pass me a stir stick? Buddy, my eyes are up here.
So, would you say that the cast of Sweetknuckle is like a big family? Yes.
If you mean a hurtful, dysfunctional one Iike the Manson family or the Partridge Family.
Come on, Morris.
You have to blend.
Who did you work for last, Barnum and Bailey? [Morris snorts] Is something wrong? Yes, something's wrong.
I've worked here 13 years and not one person remembered that today is my birthday.
I mean, for God's sake, we devoted an entire episode to a birthday party for the number six.
"l was turning seven.
" Everything okay? I think Jack's upset you guys forgot his birthday.
Oh, no.
Erase that.
No more of that.
We didn't forget his birthday.
We remembered his birthday.
We are having a surprise party for him tonight.
Oh, wow.
You know what? That would be great for my article.
Can I come? You'd better come.
Let me pick up one of those maps for you we've printed out with the directions on the back.
All right.
ALlSON: Move it! Warren, we have exactly three hours to plan a surprise party for Jack.
Spread the word.
This isn't gonna be like the time you threw me a party and cleaned out my liquor cabinet, is it? That wasn't a party.
That was an intervention.
That is absolutely fascinating.
You know, you are a very intriguing woman.
What other cereals do you like? - Here you go.
- Thanks so much.
Yes, thank you, Jimmy.
Anybody who says you don't earn your $4.
50 an hour is a damned liar.
[Screaming] Oh! Sorry, yeah, it's hot.
Gosh, you know, it's so hard for him to handle big things with his little parts.
Listen, I know we were talking before and got interrupted-- GlL: Hey, Laura.
Do you mind if I steal Jimmy away to run a very important errand? As producer of Sweetknuckle Junction it's my job to make sure that everything stays on the right track.
You know, with the train.
Son? JlMMY: It's like that all day long.
GlL: Now! What the hell, Dad? I was just about to ask her out.
You can get shot down in flames some other time.
Now I want you to break into Jack's house and set up for a surprise party.
Are you crazy? You want me to break into that paranoid gun-freak's house? He's probably got the place booby-trapped with trip wires and land mines.
It's TV Guide.
WARREN: This song is about a little billionaire named Arthur who we all fell in love with back in 1980.
A precocious alcoholic who was more boy than man but then he found true love with a ghastly woman.
Hey, Laura.
This one's on my CD.
So, listen, Greg can I ask you something off-the-record? Sure.
Of course.
I'm all ears.
[Both chuckle] - That's cute.
- Thank you.
Okay, well It's just that sometimes I meet someone through my job that I'm interested in.
I hope that doesn't make me seem unprofessional.
No, of course it does not.
Good, because I was wondering is Alison available? [Warren singing '80s pop song] For what? To go out on a date with me? Skatchamagowza, you're a lezzie? Boy, you actually brought a synthesizer.
Yes, well, nothing but the best for Blah's birthday.
It's Jack's birthday.
Yeah, whatever.
Shove aside, Bender.
The reporter can't see me.
WARREN: Check it out, I'm playing with my foot.
[Singing '80s pop song] I notice you're no longer talking to Laura.
Has she found something more interesting to talk to, like a ball of lint? Wait a minute.
You are a ball of lint.
All right, Jimmy.
Call off your dogs, okay? The battle's over.
What do you mean? Well, in so many words, Laura told me that I am not her type and truth be known, the one that she's really interested in is Debbie.
Jimmy said you wanted to get freaky, bunny style.
- You.
She's interested in you.
- Really? Yeah, she totally digs you, man.
Wow! You're being awfully mature about this especially since [Singing] I'm gonna score-a with Laura We're gonna crank it whilst you spank it You're gonna be lonely while l Yeah, well anyway.
[Singing '80s pop song] You know, the distance between the moon and New York City actually varies due to the moon's elliptical orbit.
" My, they must be using some awfully big words on the Cartoon Network.
Actually, Laura, I studied astronomy in college.
In fact, I graduated with a perfect GPA whereas the only 4.
0 Warren ever got was on a Breathalyzer test.
Laura, have you interviewed Count Blah? He's such a talent and so professional.
Oh, yes.
If by professional, you mean stealing his entire act from a Sesame Street character.
That's a filthy lie! That son of a bitch stole my bit.
[Laughing sheepishly] Blah and the Count from Sesame Street have this playful rivalry.
I love when you do that.
It's totally fake.
Fake, yes, like his accent.
I'm from Romania.
He's from New Jersey.
And I'll tell you another thing about him.
He once showed up in an emergency room with one, two, three three gerbils.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Look what I did.
I'm so stupid.
Jimmy, why don't you take Laura into the kitchen and help her with that wet blouse.
[Jimmy chatters excitedly] Dumb! That is it.
We have a reporter here and until she leaves I don't think it's too much to ask that you all, for once, not act like freaks.
Here's Jack.
[All murmuring] TARDY: We're going to surprise him.
[Door unlocking] [All gasp] TARDY: Hi, lady.
What are you all doing here? [Stammers] We wanted to surprise you for your birthday.
You guys remembered? Oh.
Would you look at that? A birthday cake and everything.
- Happy birthday, Jack.
- Happy birthday.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Why in the hell are you wearing a dress? Oh, this.
Funny story there.
Hank Thompson, the guy at my gun club starts shooting way better than he usually does.
So I ask him what his secret is.
"Ladies underpants," he says.
It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim.
I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better.
So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps.
Next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club.
[Squeals] You know what else? It works for bowling, too.
That's weird.
They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.
Yeah, that's the weird part.
Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.
Oh, no, you're kidding.
This is so embarrassing.
Look at this place.
It's a mess.
Yes, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.
I can't believe this is happening.
SUSAN: You got that right, sister.
The sales lady assured me that this was one of a kind.
ALlSON: I've got to stall Laura.
So, Laura Greg kind of spilled the beans about your special interest.
LAURA: He did? JlMMY: Yeah.
It's totally cool.
I mean, the feelings are totally mutual.
- Really? - Yes.
You know, I thought I was sensing something.
Girl, what's up? Listen, I'm sorry that the party turned out to be such a bust.
I was thinking that maybe we could sneak out the back grab a couple of drinks or something like that.
LAURA: Great.
Let's go right away.
I'll grab my jacket.
No, Jimmy will grab that for you.
Wait a second.
You can't go.
We were just about to get this party started.
Get the jacket.
GlL: Jack.
- Hey, Gil's kid.
- Hey, Jack.
Jack, you've got to change.
Why? Because there's a TV Guide reporter here and I'm pretty sure this will get us a jeer.
What's the big deal? Half the world dresses this way.
Yeah, the female half.
I read an article in Psychiatric Quarterly that said 4% of American males have experimented with cross-dressing.
Anyone else read Psychiatric Quarterly? I didn't think so.
Look, we do a children's show, Jack.
If this gets out, you could lose your job.
Speaking of keeping things under wraps, Jack, I can see right up your dress and I thought you said this whole thing started with you wearing panties.
LAURA: Shall we? ALlSON: I guess as a journalist sometimes it's hard to figure out what not to print.
You know, I really wish you would stop thinking about me as a journalist.
And start thinking about me as a woman.
[Gasps] Considering we only had three hours to plan I'm going to say this is a pretty damn good party.
I'm gonna drink.
You [Jimmy laughs] You want Alison now? That's totally cool.
A threesome is great.
It's a foursome, actually, if you count Tardy humping your coat.
Come on, baby.
Give us some loving now.
Come on now.
Is that for Debbie Fishman? - Yeah.
- Nice.
- God, what is up with that Jimmy guy? - That kid's always been weird.
- Jack? - Hey, Laura.
Why are you dressed like that? I'll take this.
Apparently, Jack found out about our little surprise and wanted to play a little prank on us.
You So I guess you could say because Junction Jack is an engineer he likes to pull a few switches.
You want a quote? "l wish I were dead.
" [Gil sighs] That she writes down.
Look, you don't have to make excuses for me.
Laura, sometimes I like to dress in women's clothes and I don't see why I have to go around hiding it.
So, Jack, would you say that dressing up makes you feel-- You're not going to write about this, are you? It's what people want to read.
What? That Jack here is a little different? I got news for you.
We all have our little quirks, okay? Me? Deathly afraid of seals.
There, I've said it.
Gil's right.
There are things about each one of us that people might consider shocking.
For instance, I wear false teeth.
[All gasp] And I don't really wear glasses.
I just borrowed these from my grandmother.
All right, I leave early on Friday nights to go to happy hour and not because I'm Jewish and have to go to Shul.
I'm the one who's been eating all the stray cats.
[All gasp] GREG: Looking back, it was pretty amazing how we all stuck by each other.
[Warren burps] GREG: Even Alison took one for the team.
[Soft instrumental music] Let's go to my place.
[Upbeat instrumental music] GREG: Well, we spent the whole day pretending to be a family.
The biggest surprise of the night was that we already were one.
[Upbeat instrumental music] [Man chuckles] DlRECTOR: Cut.
MAN: Cut it.
You blew it, kid.
- What's wrong with you? - Look at what I can do.
[Both chuckle] Hey.
I'm trying to act here.
We'll figure that out in the edit.
See you later, everybody.