Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e09 Episode Script

Piddler on the Roof

[Theme music] ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! Let's do it right this time.
I don't want to be here all day.
Here we go, and action.
[Warren grunting in pain] Timber.
No, I am falling.
What happened here to this cherry tree? [Cell phone ringing] Cut it.
Who's ringing? I think it's the tree.
Sorry, it's me.
You got Warren.
Murray, what am I paying you for if you can't even get me a stinking movie audition, you idiot? Maybe if you spent a little less time with your precious Jan Michael Vincent you could get me out of this coloring-book hell.
What's wrong? Gary Oldman is mounting a feature version of Hamlet and I can't even get an audition.
Apparently, he's unaware that I'm a classically trained actor.
Gary Oldman.
You ever see his Dracula? Bad hair.
Come on, people.
Let's get back to work.
Gil, as long as we're standing around talking I wanted to say we should invite Alison to Greg's party tonight.
- No.
- Why would you want to do that? - No.
- Why would you want to do that? Because she always seems so sad.
Don't you mean cranky? What about Cranky? We invited him.
I ain't coming, you bastards.
Yeah, see, he's funny cranky.
I got your cranky right here.
I think Dottie's right.
Might help relations with the network.
I say, invite Alison.
[Upbeat instrumental music] GREG: Being in a position of authority rarely makes you popular.
In high school, I thought my service as a hall monitor might have got me elected homecoming king, but instead it made me the football team 's favorite toilet brush.
Alison, listen.
We're having a little cast and crew party tonight if you're free.
It's at 7:00 at the Frolic Room and we'd all really love it if you could stop by.
Thank you so much, Dottie.
I've got to see what's going on but it sounds really great.
You're not gonna come, are you? Sure.
Probably not.
- Can I interrupt the girl talk? - Please.
I just got the pity invite to Greg's party.
You coming? If I wanted to surround myself with annoying drunks who hate me I'd go home for Thanksgiving.
Alison, come on.
Nobody hates you.
- Hey, Tardy.
- Hi.
How do you feel about Alison? I love Alison.
How do you feel about ashtrays? I love ashtrays.
Off you go.
[Upbeat instrumental music] Gil, you know when you were asking us to come up with ideas that would help revolutionize the show? No.
I thought of one.
We have to prepare children for the real world a world full of treachery and deceit.
And who knows more about those things than anyone? Shakespeare! Shakespeare? Shakespeare on a kid's show? Warren, you're really thinking out of the box on this one.
So you like it? Like it? Boy, I love it.
Good one.
I gotta run it past Alison because the network likes to have last say on matters such as this.
Of course.
Let her know that I'd be willing to do a monologue on the show tomorrow.
Perhaps Claudius' angst over the murder of his brother might be fun for the kiddies.
Boy, it just gets better.
That was a long day for me.
For you? I'm the one who spent six hours stuffed inside a tree suit with Greg chopping away at my cherries.
Come on, you guys.
Quit your bellyaching.
We got the greatest jobs in the world.
- You want to know why? - Why? Because every night we go to sleep knowing we've made little children happy.
[Laughing] You almost had me for a second.
JlM: Hey, guys.
GREG: What's up, guys? There he is.
Come on, Greggy.
I'll buy you a drink.
Set me up with a virgin Mudslide.
Not on my watch, Private.
A shot of tequila for the Bunny.
Tequila? I don't know, Jack.
I get dizzy from cherry cordials.
JACK: Nonsense.
BLAH: Celebrate.
- Look how cute the little glass is.
- Don't be a bunny.
Be a rabbit.
Yeah, what could it hurt? Here goes something.
[Upbeat rock music playing on stereo] Damn, keep them coming, barkeep.
Look at me! [Upbeat rock music playing on stereo] ALlSON: Hi, everybody.
JACK: Look who's here.
Alison, what a surprise.
I know.
I'm growing.
I'm taking your advice.
ALlSON: I'm putting myself out there.
GlL: Good.
You're going to have a great time tonight.
These are good people.
Alison, give me a wet one.
[Greg burps] You may want to button that.
- Alison, you made it.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you something? Do you think that I was too perky on my song today? Dottie, I'm not here as an executive tonight.
We'll just be like, friends.
[Dottie giggles] - I really like your top.
- Thank you.
I almost got a top like that in Acapulco.
I was with all my girlfriends.
We had this wild time.
And we laughed and went skinny-dipping.
You know, you might've been a little too perky today, actually now that I think about it, I mean, as friends.
Just as a friend, I hate your top.
No, I don't.
I really like it.
Look at me.
I'm a drunken cliché.
[Greg laughing] Jack, you're a great guy.
My God, is he smashed.
What are you laughing at? I'll knock you down, old man.
Come on.
Out in the parking lot.
Right now.
GREG: I'm okay.
I like him drunk.
GREG: I'm okay.
JlM: My God, Alison's alone.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I know my evening won't be complete until I go over there and get shut down.
[Rock music playing on stereo] How are you doing, Jimmy? Do you wanna join me? So what happened? I don't know.
It was freaky.
What? Listen, I've picked out a monologue for tomorrow from Hamlet.
Act 1, Scene 2.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
My Shakespeare.
The Shakespeare.
Right, the Shakespeare.
I haven't had a chance to talk to Alison.
We've been playing phone tag all week.
Maybe tomorrow, the day after.
- Tomorrow? Gil, she's standing there.
- I'll talk to her.
Thanks, Gil.
You're my guy.
- Alison, how's it going? - Great.
How are you? Good.
Listen, you don't like Shakespeare, do you? I love Shakespeare.
I'm on the board of a Shakespearean rep company.
I studied classical theater in college.
'Cause Warren he wants to paint you in the nude.
What? He's too embarrassed to come over and ask you himself.
What do you say, baby? No, I don't think so.
I don't think so, Warren.
She's mocking me.
What does that have to do with Shakespeare? Don't ask me.
The Zima goes right to my head.
[Rock music continues playing] Sorry, Warren, you know the networks.
All right, Warren, you're just gonna walk away.
Remember what happened the last time you bit a network executive.
I need some fresh air.
Who does she think she is? Alison, you left your sunroof open.
Very trusting.
I pity you, Alison.
You must squash that which you do not understand.
My talent cannot be silenced.
[Urinating] [Urinating] WARREN: "O, that this too too solid flesh would melt!" GREG: Warren? WARREN: "Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
"Or that the Everlasting had not-- " Uh-oh.
[Greg snoring] [Suspenseful instrumental music] [Alison screams in disgust] Thanks, Dottie.
JACK: Bunny, you were a hoot last night.
GREG: Don't remind me.
- Alison, good morning.
- ls it? Really? I could have sworn we had at least two more weeks before she got all moody on us again.
How dare you blame a woman's mood on her cycle? It looks like Dottie's right on time.
Gil, did you shoot the state capital scene yet? Yeah, just finished.
Okay, in the script, it says that the capital of Wisconsin is Milwaukee.
Wrong, it's Madison.
The capital of Wisconsin is Madison, not Milwaukee.
Milwaukee makes beer, not state law.
I don't want kids across America getting their geography tests wrong because we don't know our heads from our butts, okay? People, a little re-shoot coming up.
[All groaning] You had fun at the little shindig last night? Yeah, it was really fun.
I had a glass of wine, and I talked to a bunch of people and went out to my car and sat in a puddle of someone's pee.
- No.
- Yeah.
Who would do something like that? I guess that's the problem, because it could be anyone.
Excuse me.
Who's the comic genius who took a whiz in Alison's car last night? My God, that's horrible.
I can't believe it.
Who could be so immature? At least she has bucket seats.
[All laughing] Look, I'm serious.
Whoever did this, you're in big trouble.
You said "urine.
" GlL: I'm not kidding.
She's really pissed.
GlL: Okay, you know what? Laugh.
But you'll be caught eventually.
He said "eventually.
" [Tardy laughs] [Upbeat instrumental music] [Knocking at door] Enter.
Gregory, a little hair of the dog that bit you? - I'll pass, Warren.
- More for me.
You know, Alison's really upset.
As well she should be.
Who could have done such a ghastly thing? You.
[Warren laughing] You silly bunny.
You're so refreshingly naive.
All right, listen.
Sometimes when people drink a little too much they tend to hallucinate.
They also tend to urinate, which is what I saw you doing last night.
Yes, perhaps I had a little too much to drink and I accidentally mistook Alison's car for a urinal with a sunroof.
I know Alison can be a pain in the ass sometimes but it's no excuse for what you did.
You made her cry, man.
You hurt her feelings.
She is a network robot, okay? They didn't program her model with feelings.
All right, fine.
So, yes.
Perhaps I am feeling the slightest tremors of remorse.
Wait, that's my cell phone.
I put it on vibrate.
Yes, Warren.
Don't tease me.
I got the Hamletaudition.
Yes, you are officially no longer an idiot.
Yes, I'm on my way.
Wait, Warren.
What about Alison? I'll send her some flowers and a urinal cake.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
You know, when I'm sad Dottie, why don't you go somewhere and be adorable? Okay? ALlSON: I'm sorry.
Why am I even here? Because they were making fun of you inside.
No, I mean this job.
I went to Yale.
I had job offers from investment banks.
You know, I have a law degree.
Wow, why are you in this job? Because it's fun.
Television's fun.
You know, show business is fun.
[Alison crying] Maybe you're just in the wrong side of the business.
Look at me.
I get to act, and I get to sing.
I can't act.
And I can't sing.
I tried to write.
I tried writing a script for Full House.
It was really horrible.
That's okay.
Most scripts don't get anywhere.
No, they made it.
The point is as much as I hate being thought of as a suit my gift is telling people what they're doing wrong.
You are good at that.
I just want to feel like, in some small way, I'm making the show better and I think I am, but they just think of me as a bitch.
Why? Because I'm a woman? - No.
- I know.
[Sentimental instrumental music] It's okay.
[Alison sobbing] DOTTlE: Let it out.
[Sentimental instrumental music continues] [Upbeat instrumental music] Next.
GARY: Warren Demontague.
You're kidding, yeah? His agent is my AA sponsor.
[Warren clears throat] WARREN: Hello, Gary.
It is an honor, sir.
Between your performances in Sid and Nancy and Hannibal you were both Sid Vicious and delicious.
- I bow before you.
- No, don't.
Too late.
May I say, sir, that it would be a pleasure to play Claudius to your Hamlet? When you're ready.
We've got a lot of people to see.
WARREN: Yes, of course you do.
Many fine choices out there if you're looking to put the "ham" in Hamlet.
[Warren chuckling] [Tense instrumental music] GREG: Warren.
Warren, you made Alison cry.
You hurt her feelings.
[Tense instrumental music continues] - Just go.
- What? Just go.
"O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven.
"lt hath the primal eldest curse upon it "a brother's murder.
"Pray can I not, though inclination be sharp as will.
"My stronger guilt defeats my" "O, wretched state! "O, bosom black as death.
"O, limed soul, that "struggling to be free, art more engaged.
"Help, angels.
"Make assay.
" Scene.
I'm amazed.
The guilt, the remorse.
It's like he's truly haunted.
Warren Demontague I bow before you.
That's fantastic, man.
You got the part.
Gary, you serious? I'm thrilled, sir, I'm honored.
I am You know, Gary I would like to talk to you about some clunky writing there in the second act.
But it's Shakespeare.
All right, I'll make it work.
- You got a movie with Gary Oldman? - Yes.
- Lost in Space Gary Oldman? - Yes, I was brilliant! I was transcendent.
In a word, I was pure Warren.
Now, I just have to go to London for three weeks to shoot my part.
Warren, you're so heavy in the show next week.
We've got the big salute to the letter "A.
" You're the acrobatic ape, with an affinity for avocados.
No, Gil, please look, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here.
Warren, you know, if it was up to me, no problem.
Seriously, you know? But Alison, she's never gonna let this fly.
Alison, I need to talk to you! It is time you knew the truth.
It was I who wronged you.
What are you talking about? I was the Piddler on the Roof! What? I peed in your damn car.
Oh, boy.
You? - Why would you do something like that? - Payback.
For not letting me perform my Shakespeare monologue.
ALlSON: What? WARREN: I think I should be suspended for, I don't know, three weeks.
That would stink.
What monologue? I don't even know anything about a monologue.
I was sure you'd say no.
This is why everyone thinks I'm the enemy around here.
Hello, there's an unpunished ape here! No remorse, needs to be suspended! You know what, Warren? I'm tired of being a bad cop.
I'm not gonna suspend you.
I'm going to forgive you.
But I whizzed in your beautiful car WARREN: with malice aforethought.
ALlSON: It's okay.
- I call you names behind your back.
- What are you going to do? There, look, I spit on your shoes.
I'm incorrigible.
I forgive you.
- You know about my movie.
- Your agent called.
See you bright and early in the morning, Professor Ape.
I don't think so, because I quit.
You can't quit.
We treasure you here, Warren.
Plus, you're contractually obligated.
Force me to appear and my performances will be soulless, unimpassioned, and sterile.
So everything's back to normal.
- Hey, Alison? - Yeah? I felt really bad about what happened to you.
So I spent my lunch hour cleaning your car.
I shampooed your rug, washed your seats, Armor-Alled your dash.
That's so sweet.
Thank you very much.
JlM: You're welcome.
I drove my boyfriend's car today.
That's great.
You guys have one of those - "borrowing stuff" kind of relationships.
- Yeah.
You should tell him to ignore the rose petals.
[Upbeat rock music] GREG: So no one likes to be the bad guy.
Well, all right, except for skilled character actors like Alan Rickman.
But the point is, if you're the one calling the shots there's always going to be some people who get pissed.
But there are also always gonna be people who will look out for you and make sure that they've got you covered, no matter what comes down.
[Upbeat rock instrumental music] Let's try that again.
GlL: Okay, could we go? BLAH: Fine.
BLAH: Try it again.
They are dead to me.
Happy? [Blah mumbling]