Grimsburg (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1
[owl hooting]
Don't go ♪
[couple moaning]
You're a really good kisser.
My dad was so wrong about you.
Wait, your dad thought
I'd be a bad kisser?
- Marcus.
- Don't Marcus me, Abigail.
Kissing's supes important
to me.
I've been practicing
all day on my mom's
- favorite throw pillow!
- What is that?
You know, the smaller
pillows on a couch.
- More decorative than practical.
- Oh, my God, no!
Yes, and now the pillow's
all wet and my mom is pissed.
Do you even like me?
- No!
- I knew it.
Which is why I've also been
practicing on your best friend.
Sorry, Abigail, but I think
it's time for me to move on
[chainsaw revving]
Dot org.
- [screaming]
- I knew you'd regret it.
No, I was screaming because
someone just chopped
your head off.
Oh, so the whole time
you were warning me.
[laughs]
That is so us.
- Kiss me. [gurgles]
- No!
[snazzy music]

Huh?
You want some more?
[glass shattering]
No, you are!
Get out of here!
If this is about the screaming,
some whack job
stuck his head in my window
and kept calling me a failure.
- But I took care of him.
- Marvin Flute.
I should've known you'd be
Friday drunk on a Tuesday.
Lieutenant Kang.
You're like my college
alumni donation department.
You can somehow
find me anywhere.
We got a case only you
can solve, and an opening
on the cornhole team for
this weekend's Cornament.
Did you forget you took
my badge, Lieutenant?
Now if you'll excuse me, I got
to get back to the only things
I'm good at anymore
drinking myself to death,
and painstakingly crafting
Mid-Century modern
dollhouse furniture.
Oh, little tiny chair
in your little perfect world.
Oh, what I'd give to spin
around on you and go whee!
But I'm too big.
I would crush you.
And that would crush me.
Well, then, I guess you
don't want this back.
Badgey!
I missed ya, girl.
Have you seen Cuffy?
What about Crime Tapey?
Not until you crack this week's
- bizarre, unsolvable case.
- Dare I go back to Grimsburg,
the town I left behind like
a perfectly-timed elevator fart?
A place permanently cursed
a century ago
by a virgin sacrifice gone sideways.
A city so full of vice,
they named it twice,
then realized
that sounded dumb,
so they went back to
just the one word.
[microwave dings]
Grim wait, hold on.
[gulping] Mm.
Wow, big bite.
[grunts]
Ah.
[echoing]
Grimsburg.
[woman screaming]
[dramatic music]

- You got a cough, Petunia?
- Worse, I'm alive,
and I have a single hair
in the back of my throat.
It's been bugging me
for like three days.
It's literally the worst.
There he is!
Excited to meet ya, partner.
- I'm not partnering up with a robot.
- I'm technically a cyborg.
I lost exactly 74.2% of my body
in a freak
merry-go-round smash-up,
but the good folks
at Grimsburg Cybernetics
- rebuilt me to be faster and stronger!
- What's that?
[chuckles]
They had to move some stuff
around after the accident.
If we're going to be partners,
I only got one rule
I don't play by the rules.
Even that one.
So I play by the rules, my rules.
And I've only got one rule
I don't play by
by the rules.
There's just never a right time
for a double teen homicide.
[car door clicks]
Looks like the boy didn't
make it, but the girl
Oh [chuckles]
I'm not sure you're supposed
- to be touching the evidence
- Quiet!
I'm going into my crime mind.
[echoing] Crime mind.
- The girl, she ran for her life.
- [panting, screaming]
[grunting]
You go on.
[coughs, groans]
Just a stitch.
I'll catch up, I'll catch up.
Hey, mama,
will you be my lover ♪
'Cause I need you in my life ♪
Whoa!
Jumping jacks are back!
[truck horn honking]
[screams]
You, with the great hair,
where did he take the girl?
Bro, you're barking up the wrong
[grunts] My treenis!
[birds chirping]
[eerie music]
Thank God, the girl's still alive.
But the killer is taunting us.
And he's got absolutely
gorgeous penmanship.
Look at the loops on those L's!
- Look!
- Backhoe tracks.
From the Kubota L-39 diesel used
to deliver this block of ice.
- We find that Kubota
- We find the killer.
- We find the killer
- We find the girl.
- We find the girl
- No, that's it.
We, that we that's it.
Mind if I ask you a couple of
questions for the local news?
- Sorry, ma'am, but this is a crime scene.
- Oh, I can see that.
It seems someone stole
this man's looks.
Nice try, but the only crime here
- is that belt with those boots.
- And the decapitation.
[voracious chewing]
Ah, I forgot what it's like
watching you tear into a carcass.
Just one of the many perks
of having a wife
- who was raised by bears.
- Ex-wife.
And I'm more than just a woman
who was raised by bears.
You're right.
That was insensitive.
Um, I was raised by bears, so I
think I'm tough enough to take it.
So, anything you can
tell me about the case?
It's an active investigation.
You know I can't.
Just like you can't ask
one question about
the son you haven't seen
in years.
I'm fairly sure he's fine.
Right, pal?
Oh, I'm great,
now that you called me pal.
- Pal.
- Hey, hey. Don't fall for it, Stan.
He's just coming back to
face-fudge this family again.
I wouldn't say no
to a little face-fudging.
- What do you want?
- This. You and I, mixing it up,
the lightly simmering tension
of will we or won't we,
and if we do, which positions.
Come on, admit it.
You need me too.
Ugh, please.
I have got everything covered.
Even taught Stan how to catch.
- [bottle thunks] Ugh!
- With his face. Good one, baby!
See?
We don't need you at all.
Well, actually, this weekend is the
annual Father-Son Dance.
And I'll just put on a mustache
and take you like I do
every year, hon.
No need, because the stache
is back and ready to prove he's
- here to stay, probably.
- [growls] Fine.
But you better
not make me regret this,
even though I know you're
going to make me regret this.
Let's go get you
an ill-fitting suit, Stan.
Don't worry boy son,
we're going to
duct tape this
broken family back together
faster than you can say
hereditary schizophrenia.
Which you also
don't need to worry about,
unless you're still seeing
your imaginary skeleton friend.
The one who made you
pull the fire alarm.
Nope. Therapy's working great.
Bye.
[bell rings]
He bought it, Stanny!
Now all we got to do is make sure
he never talks to your therapist.
- Just like us.
- Mr. Flesh, now we can
finally start our plan to
get my parents back together!
[laughs]
And it's going to work, too,
because all of my plans work,
aside from the dead bird one.
Now, let's get you
ready for that dance!
Are you familiar with
the end of "Dirty Dancing"?
[grunts]
[sighs]
[mellow music]
Glad you're back, Flute.
This place has been
dead without you.
[giggles] I'm fun.
Hey, Wynona, are you
wearing a new scent?
- I love it!
- It's formaldehyde.
Ooh, look who it is.
[chuckles]
The man who puts
the "ten" in Lieutenant.
You ever put that ten
anywhere else?
[melodic fart]
Body's still off-gassing.
That note was a perfect B-flat.
[melodic fart]
There must be
something inside him.
[chuckles] I keep
forgetting to check both sides.
Wowie.
A flute!
The killer must be trying
to make contact with you.
Good thing your name's not piano.
[laughter]
Yeah, 'cause then he'd have
a piano in his butt.
[laughs]
That'd be messed up.
Summers, a boy is dead.
Kang was the one who suggested
we bring you back for this case.
I said we'd be
better off deputizing
an alcoholic alley cat. [chuckles]
I was wrong.
[slurred meowing]
The mayor needs his daughter
found before the opening
- of the new casino!
- Which he also happens to own.
Shut your spit maker, Stewart.
- Sorry, Mom.
- Mom?
Hi, I'm Stewart.
I just passed the detective exam,
but apparently
I'm much more valuable
- taking notes as her secretary.
- Never knew you had a kid, Chief.
- Anything else I don't know?
- Let's see.
I'm a climate change-denying
Flat-Earther
whose 23andMe confirmed
I'm 12% Sasquatch. [chuckles]
Now that we're caught up on me,
if you don't find Abigail
by Friday, I'm taking
that loaner badge back and
throwing you off the edge
of this appropriately-warm
frisbee we call a planet!
[tense music]
30 years ago at this school,
I had the most brilliant
teacher of my life.
Then 10 years ago, I sent him
to prison for the rest of his.
Faced with a teacher shortage,
the city ordered him
to finish serving out
his sentence working here,
which is how the man who was
once my greatest mentor
has now become one of
my biggest nemesises,
nemeses, nemesisis, nemesi.
Ugh.
Just remind me to ask him.
He'll know.
Dr. Rufis Pentos.
[music]
How's the ankle bracelet?
Itchy, I hope.
Oh, Marvin,
how you've changed.
What misfortune has twisted you
into this pot-bellied shadow
that cowers before me now?
The unrelenting cruelty
of human existence.
And a brief addiction to Roblox.
So have you returned to
play our little game
of cat and lesser animal
than a cat?
I'm not here to play, Pentos,
- so don't try to get in my head.
- I wouldn't dream of it.
Interesting jacket
you're wearing.
What?
What do you mean?
The cut's not flattering
or the color?
- Get out of my head!
- But there's so much room.
[knocking]
Um, Dr. Pentos.
- Hi!
- My wife and I
Oh, of course, my office hours
feel you're forcing
our introverted Franny
- OK.
- To read aloud
- Perhaps we can find is vocal discrimination.
- OK, thank you. [sighs]
Now,
what deliciously dark crime
do you seek help with
this time?
Murder?
Kidnapping?
The missing bagels from
the faculty break room?
- Twasn't I.
- Recognize this?
Where ever did you find her?
No, no, no,
don't put that in your oh.
Interesting.
Its keys have been altered
to only play B-flat.
Some ruffians stole it from
my classroom two days ago,
but I simply have
no idea how he got in.
Best of luck finding
poor Miss Abigail,
whose only crime was growing up
in her father's shadow.
Parents truly block out
the sun, don't they, Marvin?
Don't they?
Don't they?
Do not they!
[thunder booming]
So sorry, what can we do to make
Franny feel less triggered, hm?
And Mayor Dilquez,
how are you coping
with your daughter's
disappearance?
It is still hard for me to
even believe she is missing.
The opening of
Grimsburg's first casino!
This town will finally
be known for something
other than our unusually
high number of killer clowns.
But, it is sad.
- Marvy Marvs!
- I need to ask you some questions.
Um, I am in the middle
of an interview.
And I'm in the middle
of an investigation,
- which trumps your interview.
- Nu-uh.
- Freedom of the press.
- Yuh-huh. Obstruction of justice.
Shouldn't you be getting
ready for the dance?
Shouldn't you be not asking me
if I shouldn't be doing stuff?
[chuckles] I'm not sure
what's going on here, but
- Summers!
- Back off, R2!
Do you two mind not flirt
fighting in front of my wife?
[mechanical breathing]
This has been really tough on her.
[loudly] Hon, I'm going to talk
to these detectives, OK?
[chuckles] Well,
someone here may be involved
in Abigail's disappearance.
I assure you, all my guys
have been karmically vetted.
[tense music]
Oh, bollocks.
[panting]
Kubota backhoe.
He's the Ice Block Killer.
- Get him!
- Chase Mode activated.
[mechanical whirring]
If you want to run along,
I'll catch up.
[suspenseful music]

Still wearing that jacket?
Oh.
Get out of my he oh!
[groaning]
Brake Mode, Brake Mode!
We scoured the suspect's place.
Bupkis.
Kid, speaking as your mentor
slash work daddy,
detectives and criminals are
locked in a long, mysterious dance.
One big, cosmic dance.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas!
I got to go.
[mellow music playing]
[engine roars]

[sniffling]
Don't be a baby, Stan.
He'll be here.
[tires screech]
[tense sting]
Uh, didn't we already
clear the suspect's place?
The word dance reminded me
of music,
and I remembered that
the flute was tuned to B-flat.
The suspect is British, and British
people call apartments flats.
B-flat. Flat B.
In other words, apartment B.
- He's been leading us to
- Be best friends!
Detective Jesus, take the wheel.
Ooh, I'd watch that show.
[dramatic music]
OK, it's time to slow
it down, boys and boys.
[soft pop music plays]
[blow-dryer whirring]
- How awful.
- Yeah, a terrible way to go.
No, his furniture.
Who mixes Scandinavian
minimalism with shabby chic?
Ugh.
"While you were chasing
this idiot around,
I was completing my brilliant crime."
Hmm.
The top of the page is missing.
[scanner whirring]
Gee, sure was nice of the
killer to use recycled paper.
We should all be looking out
for future generations like that.
Future generations.
My child-spawn!
[whimpering]
Oh, my baby! What happened,
even though I know,
since I've been warning you
about it the whole time.
Oh, you're frozen!
Take these to warm you up.
[yelping]
Where'd you go?
[tires screech]
A lovely boy.
A shame his father's duties
leave no time for love.
Parents truly block out
the sun, don't they, Marvin?
Uh, you already said that earlier.
I did?
Then perhaps it's important.
Oh, I knew this would happen.
- So, what's next in the Bad Dad Olympics?
- It was a mistake.
Let me prove I'm not the man
who checked into a motel
under your credit card
for five years.
- You don't need to prove that to me.
- Right.
- I need to prove it to myself.
- No. [sighs]
Prove it to Lieutenant Kang?
The Chief?
My dad?
No, your dad. The town?
Seems a bit much,
but I'll do whatever
it takes to get
my old life back.
[door slams]
[sighs]
- You can't quit, Marvin.
- Our one lead has freezer burn.
My ex won't have me.
And I just found out
Pete Davidson broke up with
- Name TBD. Fill in in post.
- I'd do anything to be a detective,
and you're just throwing it
in the trash?
At least write down your
feelings on the Chief's notepad.
Make a pros and cons list,
and then decide.
Chief's notepad?
Look!
The paper matches perfectly.
The Chief is the killer!
Look at me, I solved the case,
Flute, I solved the case!
See, Kang, you don't need me.
My family doesn't need me.
Even crime doesn't need me.
I'll be at the bar
if anyone needs me,
which nobody will,
as I've just clearly stated.
[country music playing]

[pool whirring, buzzing]
[unsettling clarinet music playing]

Parents truly block out
the sun, don't they, Marvin?
What are you saying?
What does that mean?
[jazzy music]
You should know what it means.
You've been guilty of it all along.
I'm trying to be poetic here.
Don't make me spell it out.
But I don't get what
this has to do with my son.
Sun, son
[whimpering]
[mumbling]
- Wait, it's not the Chief.
- It's the Chief!
[all gasp]
You're under arrest
for the murders of two people
whose names I really
should have remembered.
Why would I do this?
- I have no motive.
- I got your motive right here.
- Case closed.
- That's not what motive means.
But it
it does the matchy thing.
Chief's innocent.
The notepad isn't hers.
She doesn't believe
in climate change,
therefore she'd never buy recycled.
Duh! It's a scam.
They want us to pay
more for something
that's already been used?
- Pff, right.
- So if it's not the Chief, then who?
The poor little boy in her shadow.
[dramatic music]
You wanted to be a detective,
but your mom never let you.
So you planted a flute
in that poor kid's butt,
knowing I'd put the pieces
together and nail the Chief.
And then, when she's no longer
blocking out the sun,
then you, her son,
different spelling,
get to be a detective at last.
- Uh, yeah, pretty much exactly.
- So where is Abigail?
[click]
[all gasp]
[suspenseful music]

Hi!
[glass crackling]
[all scream]
My tanks
to Flute, for saving my daughter.
[chuckles]
I got something
that belongs to you.
Badgey! Wait, first,
there's somebody I need to see.
Harm, you were right, we can't
pick up where we left off.
But maybe we can start
where we are right now.
I just want to give my son
everything he needs.
And I guess that includes you.
I learned a vital lesson
today, child person.
The only one I need to prove
I've changed to is you.
Otherwise, you'll turn into
a twisted sicko like Stewart
and frame me for a murder
I didn't commit.
- May I?
- You may.
[soft music]

Grimsburg, I promised
myself I'd never come back,
and yet somehow, it's this
place where I feel like maybe,
just maybe,
I'll solve the one mystery
I've never been able to crack myself.
Oh, and the mystery of where
I put my suede desert boots.
And if there's time, maybe how
to use the self-checkout lane.
I've literally never done it
without the person having to
come over, and at that point,
why can't they just check me out?
Wow, this is a pretty cool shot.
It seems like they're putting
some real money behind this.
That's got to be a good sign.
[howls]
So your pop's moving
into the basement, hmm?
Together under one roof again.
- This is what we've been dreaming of!
- Speak for yourself.
I've been dreaming about
meeting Phoebe Bridgers.
All we need now is a little nudge
to get them
all the way back together.
Easy. You flood the basement.
When your dad starts to drown,
your mom is forced to save him
and they're back in love.
Or you all drown there, and become
a big happy family in heaven.
Or, I give them love letters I wrote
- and say they're from the other person.
- Eh, that works too.
But if you do go with that one,
you probably want to shut off
the main water valve, like right now.