Grounded For Life (2001) s02e03 Episode Script

Sean, what did you do with the remote? I don't know.
Is it in the kitchen? The kitchen's pretty much covered by "I don't know.
" Would you have brought it upstairs? I don't know! Here it is! Nope, it's a triscuit.
Oh, dad, don't you dare eat that.
Well, why not? It hasn't been on the floor or anything.
Oh! Sean, ask Claudia where the remote is.
No.
I don't want to bother her, man.
She's in one of those weird moods.
What happened? Well, there was a little incident in Jimmy's room, and Claudia got a little freaked out.
Oh, Sean! What? Get in here! What's the matter? We have a problem.
We have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very big problem.
Whoa.
Slow down, slow down.
Jimmy's downloading pornography.
Oh, Jimmy.
So, there we were with this naked woman on our little boy's computer, and we didn't agree on how to handle it.
Claudia, if you want my opinion, it's normal for someone Jimmy's age to be looking at naked ladies.
Oh, really? How about someone Sean's age? It was you? Yes, yes, dad! It was me, and if it was in front of me, I'd do it again.
And you know why? 'Cause it's probably the last naked woman I'll ever see.
Your wife caught you looking at pornography? It was adult content, and it was an accident.
What, you fell off a ladder and landed on porn? Hey, what are you guys talking about? Uh, Henry, go upstairs.
Fine.
Then you can't listen to what I'm talking about.
Look, it was all just totally innocent, OK? I put a couple of bucks down on the giants game, and I had to go on-line on Jimmy's computer to check the spread.
OK, giants at home against Philadelphia.
"Hot, hot, super hot cheerleaders"? Oh.
You're not a real cheerleader.
Cheerleaders wear underwear.
Oh, yeah, what team do you cheer for? Oh, my God.
Enter.
Come inside and play.
Well, I think I will, thank you very much.
Who is this stuff even for? That's not even sexy.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's not right.
Oh, amateurs.
Yeah, well, it shows.
Sean? I'm doing laundry, baby.
Do you have anything that's dirty? Sean? Oh, God.
Oh.
Go away.
Go.
Oh, God.
Sean? Come on.
Close, close, close.
Close, close, close! Um Go away.
Sean? Oh, Sean! What? Get in here! What's the matter? We have a problem.
We have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very big problem.
Whoa.
Slow down, slow down.
Jimmy's downloading pornography.
Jimmy.
Jeez.
OK.
All right.
We knew this day would come, right? We just have to talk to him.
Uh, we don't really have to talk to him, do we, babe? I mean, he's a boy.
He wanted to see a picture of a naked lady.
He saw one.
Now it's out of his system.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, what boy wants to see more than one naked lady? Heh.
You blamed it on Jimmy? No, dad.
Claudia blamed it on Jimmy, OK? I just didn't correct her.
Jimmy's home? No.
Oh, 'cause I heard you say "Jimmy.
" Why are you looking for Jimmy? Oh, I'm not.
I just wanted to greet him, you know, after a long day at school.
You'll call me when he gets in, right? Yeah.
Heh heh.
So you can greet him.
Yeah.
Here it is.
Here's the remote.
All right.
No, no.
That's the stereo remote.
I thought that's what we were looking for.
I don't know how you can let Jimmy take the fall for what you did.
Dad, I thought this whole thing was gonna blow over, OK? It was Claudia.
She wouldn't let it drop.
Jimmy, the feelings you've been having are healthy.
What? What feelings? You know.
I think he gets it.
I'm just saying it's natural to be curious.
You know, one minute you're thinking, "boy, baseball's fun", and the next, you're rubbing up against mannequins at the mall.
What? Just straighten up and fly right.
OK, I don't think we should beat this thing into the ground.
The kid knows he did wrong, and he's not gonna do it again.
But I don't know what I did wrong, so maybe I will do it again.
Jimmy, you're just making it worse.
How? Oh, it's perfectly natural to want to look at pictures of naked girls.
OK.
Got any? You know, mister, we didn't want it to come to this.
No, we didn't.
We know what you've been doing on your computer.
Whoa! Check it out.
Wait a minute.
You haven't seen this? I can't tell.
Let me look at it a little closer.
No.
Sean, this is-- Sean.
Sean! Poor Jimmy.
Jimmy? He's not here.
Oh.
Some example you're settin' as a father-- Looking at naked pictures.
Oh, yeah, dad.
You're one to talk.
That's right.
You've got brushes to sell, and she's buyin'.
Oh, yeah.
Dad? Knock before you enter the garage.
What are you doing? Uh, building a birdhouse.
What's it look like? Aah! It was a foreign film.
I'm a foreign film buff.
Oh, come on, dad.
Name one foreign film you've ever seen.
The French Connection.
You ever see Dawn of the Dead? That's not a foreign film, and neither is The French Connection.
Well, thank you for shutting down all conversation.
Besides, Sean, Jimmy's a minor.
I never let you kids look at dirty pictures when you were his age.
Hey, dad, when we were Jimmy's age, getting our hands on dirty pictures was not easy.
Believe me.
All right, Eddie.
His back is turned.
Just grab the candy.
He'll never catch you.
OK, OK.
Go.
Hey, mister, that kid just stole some red hots.
Hey! Come here, kid! Come on back here, you little midget! Give me that candy! Come back here! I'm gonna take your ears off! Something wrong with your legs, son? I pulled a muscle protecting some little kids from bullies.
Oh, good work, son.
Here, let me work on that for you.
No, no.
I'll just walk it off.
Don't be silly.
Here.
Whoa.
This is stiff.
Let me see.
Oh, here's your problem.
You got a sprained porn, you little pervert.
I catch you looking at dirty pictures again, you'll think this is a love tap.
It's a whole different world now, dad.
I mean, they pipe this stuff directly into your house.
Well, they pipe in electricity, too, but that don't mean you want to stick your finger in a socket.
Yeah, but everything's changed.
They seal Playboys in plastic now.
Yeah, well, maybe that's because they want you to actually buy them.
It's like an arranged marriage.
You don't know what you're getting.
Hey, Jimmy, what's up? Nothing.
Did you hear something? Jimmy, how was your day? Leave me alone.
Come on.
I'm just concerned about you.
I saw you in the computer lab with Sister Helen.
What happened? Why do you think something happened? Because you look guilty.
Well, I am guilty, and so are you.
Don't freak out on me! What's going on? She put me up to this.
I know I should respect Sister Helen because she's married to God, but, you know, on the other hand, I think he could do a lot better.
Mm-hmm.
You wouldn't believe what she did to me today.
So, in conclusion, we should never take any of our 4 freedoms for granite.
Thank you.
Lily, did you say, "for granite"? Yes, for granite.
As in, "don't take anything for granite.
" Don't assume something's set in stone when it might not be.
I believe the expression is "for granted.
" Class? Yeah.
Heh.
Well, Sister Helen, my report is over, so your point is mute.
I believe, Lily, my point is "moot.
" Moot! Who says "moot"? Uh-huh.
Jimmy, are you even listening to me? What? Eww.
What are you looking at, perv? Mom showed it to me.
She deleted it, but I decided to undelete it.
Gross.
Hey, can you do that thing where you put somebody else's head on that body? Yeah, if I had a good photograph.
Ooh.
Yearbook committee.
It looks so real.
You're an artist.
It's not perfect yet, but I can make it better.
Move.
"For your eyes only"? Aah! Aw, Lily, that sort of stunt will get you kicked off the yearbook committee.
I'm not on the yearbook committee.
It just keeps getting worse and worse.
What does? Nothing for you to hear.
Go in the other room.
Look, Jimmy was gonna be exposed to erotica sooner or later.
It's best that he did it in the comfort of home under the guidance of his mother.
Somehow, his mother didn't see it that way.
What way? Hey, Henry, what the-- Will you just go to the kitchen, please? I just got thrown out of the kitchen.
All right.
Well, then will you just go someplace? All right.
I'll go use the computer.
No! Ah! Don't use the computer.
Fine.
I'll go sit in the bathroom.
I wish I had to go.
Look, did you apologize to Claudia? Yes! I just don't think I did a very good job of it.
Claudia, come on.
Naked women are everywhere.
It's not a big deal.
I didn't say it was.
It's like-- It's like a sales tool.
You know, you can't avoid it.
OK, like that magazine you're reading, right? That's supposed to be for women.
But see? Hey, there's a naked girl right there.
What's she supposed to be selling? She's giving herself a breast exam.
Oh.
Really? Ow.
OK, OK, OK.
But my point is that the women that you see in magazines, they're designed to be objects of lust.
That's why guys can't help it.
They're perfect.
They're perfect? Yeah.
I mean, no, not like-- I mean, you are real.
Oh, you're comparing me to them? No, baby, there's no comparison.
Excuse me? Totally separate categories, you know? Like a guy like me could have a woman like that.
Right.
You know? Well, maybe you should give it a shot? Hey, I don't want to give it a shot.
I love you.
You're a great Mom.
Aah! And you, you are a great big ass! OK.
See, now you're overreacting, which I knew you would, which is why I lied to you in the first place.
If I'm so predictable, which foot am I about to kick you with? Your right? Ow.
Wrong! Ow! You switched! Arrgh! Does that mean I'm not getting any? That's great advice, milt.
Talk to my brother, will ya? Who is it? It's my buddy milt.
He was in the exact same situation as you.
Yeah? Yeah.
His wife caught him making an erotic film with himself and the plumber.
Ah! Ah, that's not my situation, milt.
First Claudia, now milt.
You're picking a fight with everyone.
Hey, whoa.
I tried hard to end that fight with Claudia, OK? I tried very hard.
Hey, Claud.
Oops.
Sorry.
Listen, you can't stay mad at me forever.
Oh, I'm not just mad.
It's really a combination of anger and betrayal and blecch! Will you please get off your high horse, because you are no better than me! Oh, please! I hardly think I'll be turned on looking at some stupid dirty pictures on the web.
Oh, yeah? How can you be so sure? "Hot, buttered boys.
" This really isn't doing much for me.
Come on, babe, what about this guy right here? The fireman with his fireman thong.
He's hot.
I don't think this site is designed for women.
What about the doctor over here with the jockstrap on? Eww.
Hey, can I play frogger when you're done? God.
Hey.
You could just say no.
Man, you know, if I were gay, I wouldn't need any of that stuff to get my kicks off.
I'd just be strippin' down, checking myself out in the mirror.
You do that now.
But I'd really get into it.
God, man, I don't know what I was thinking.
I mean, it seemed like it was worth a shot.
You were wasting your time.
Women don't respond to pictures.
They respond to erotic thoughts-- Words like satin, wisp, butterscotch, slather.
Oh, thanks, Eddie.
How about, um, leprosy? Coleslaw.
Go ahead, make jokes.
Bungalow.
Goat cheese.
Sister Helen.
Hi.
Hello, Mr.
Finnerty.
Uh, come in.
Uh, is there some kind of problem? Yes, there is.
I'm afraid somebody's been having some fun on the Internet.
Oh, my God! I mean, does everybody know about this? Mr.
Finnerty, I'm-- Oh, look, OK, fine! All right, I clicked onto a naked cheerleader site! All right! Yes, yes! I looked at pictures of naked women-- Dozens of 'em-- Frolicking in all kinds of lurid situations, OK? So, now I confess in front of you and God.
Is everybody happy?! I'm here to see Lily.
I think she's in the kitchen.
Oh, my God.
What is Sister Helen doing here? Well, um, she's a nun, you know.
They know things.
What does she know? Um, well Jimmy, I understand you're quite the computer whiz.
Well, you know, a lot of kids are computer whizzes.
I need your help.
So, you can trace the source of the e-mail using the code at the bottom? Um, yeah.
See, um, first, you identify the local area network through the smtp address.
Um, then usually you can, um, you can locate-- It was me! And--and Lily.
It was mostly Lily.
You ratted me out? I was just being honest.
Grandpa, are nuns allowed to hold a grudge? They're sworn to forgiveness, right? No, they're sworn to poverty and chastity.
Grudges are pretty much the only pleasures they've got left.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Lily.
Aah! Hi.
I didn't do it.
Claudia? I know you're kind of down.
Yeah, a little.
I've got something that's gonna put the smile back on your face.
Oh, yeah? What? I look at erotic imagery.
Where's that smile? What are you trying to say? That all guys look, it's normal, and there's a lot more stuff out there that's way more exotic than what Sean was looking at.
OK, I don't need to hear about that, OK? They got a site that's just girls wearing gloves.
Nothing but gloves.
Gloves? Big girls wearing opera gloves and, you know, driving gloves.
Baseball gloves.
Shut it, OK? Definitely don't.
All I'm saying, Claudia, is that, you know, of all people, you should not feel threatened.
Thank you, and I don't.
I'm fine.
Good, because you could have your own site.
I'm serious.
You'd get a lot of hits.
I'd check you out.
OK, this is between me and Sean, OK? OK, but let me know if you're serious about starting this site.
Otherwise, I've got to get someone else.
What did you hope to accomplish with this stunt? Can I be honest? Sometimes I do things to get attention.
I really think it's a cry for help.
I mean, look at my environment.
It's really hard, and I'm just a kid.
You know, sometimes I have nobody to turn to.
Let's talk punishment.
Yeah, let's go.
Well, I ran the situation past the arch bishop, and he had some advice.
How did he put it? "Go crazy.
" Sister Helen, if I may, is this about the photograph? You've seen it, too? Yes, I have, and I know you may feel embarrassed, but really, you ought to be proud.
It wasn't my body, Mr.
Finnerty.
It was a fake.
Well, you could knock me over with a feather.
I don't think anybody would ever know.
Well, I do use the ab roller twice a week.
That's not the point.
Oh, no? Here's what I'm thinking, Lily.
Since you're such a shutterbug, you're gonna join the yearbook committee.
What? Oh, I think they could use your skills.
They meet every day after school, and Saturdays from 10:00 to 4:00.
But the yearbook people are such dorks.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Couldn't you just expel me or something? I'm sorry, Lily, but the subject is "mute.
" Uh, Sister Helen, is everything all right? It will be.
That's a lovely cardigan you're wearing.
Put your eyes back in your head, Mr.
Finnerty.
Did you just send Eddie up to talk to me? Did Eddie just talk to you? Yes.
Did it help? What do you think? Claudia, wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, please.
OK, OK.
You know when you're walking down the street and you see a dead pigeon, and you know you're not supposed to look, but you can't help yourself? So, you look, and then you notice that there are maggots crawling all over it, and you want to lose your lunch? What's your point? My mind is a dead pigeon, and you don't want to look.
And I don't know why I do the stupid things I do.
I just do, OK? But I love you, and I'm sorry.
And so, just please, just step over the dead pigeon and keep walkin'.
That's the most revolting apology I've ever gotten.
Do you accept it? Have you ever looked at this site that's all about gloves? Gloves? Mm-hmm.
Big women wearing nothing but gloves.
No.
Glov--are you kidding? Oh, God, that makes me so happy.
I can't believe this ever passed for adult entertainment.
It's not really dirty.
It's just-- Naughty.
What's she doing? She's sitting there in her underwear scolding a stuffed animal.
Oh, yeah.
Bad tiger, bad tiger.
Crack that whip, Betty.
I find this offensive.
That's it? What a rip.
Oh, God, dad.
Let's watch it again! Let's watch it again! Oh! Get him out of here! It's bedtime.
I can't believe you.
Come on.
Why was she so mad at that tiger? Let's go upstairs.
Bed.
Bed.