Grounded For Life (2001) s02e07 Episode Script
205 - I Saw Daddy Hitting Santa Claus
Good work, dad.
Come on, Henry.
Lighten up, all right? How can I? Santa claus isn't coming tonight! So what? We're still gonna have a great Christmas.
I mean, presents, stockings, the whole 9 yards.
Presents? Stockings? That's what Santa does! Hey, Henry! Oh, better not pout.
Oh, I'm way past pouting.
What happened? I was just on my way down to see you play Joseph at the manger.
Well, you missed a heck of a show.
[O little town of Bethlehem playing.]
[Baa.]
Oh, stop it! Ow! Ow! You were ambushed by elves? Yeah, yeah.
Santa's elves.
The fat bastard sicked 'em on me.
But your dad is Santa.
Yeah, and he's a fat bastard, and you know what? Christmas is gonna be so much better this year without him.
He's not coming?! Uh-uh, nope.
And you know what? I'm fine with it.
Because every year, he manages to steamroll right over my Christmas.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, Walt has to come, 'cause every year, Henry sneaks out of his bed to get that little peak at Santa claus.
Hey, look, Henry's gonna have a good Christmas.
OK, trust me.
Hey, sweetie, you want a Christmas cookie? I made you this snowman.
That's the spirit, buddy.
There it goes.
Henry's still pretty upset.
Oh, he's gonna get over it.
Couldn't you just ruin Christmas the old-fashioned way? Just get drunk and fall down the fireplace? Night's still young.
Claudia: Ah, finally.
Whoa! Hey, man, you got that tree for free? Didn't I say I would? Yeah, you said you would 2 weeks ago.
It's Christmas Eve.
Well, I got it here with a day to spare.
Just get it in the stand.
I'll go get the decorations.
Hee hee hee! Yes! Yes! Dean left this gift for me on the front porch.
He is so sweet! Look! He even wrapped it himself.
How sweet is that?! It says "love.
" Love! What are you people looking at? This is personal.
What's with the getup? I was playing Joseph down at the living manger at the church.
Why the hell would you do that? For the kids, man.
For the kids.
You know, last year, I couldn't pry 'em away from it.
[O come, all ye faithful playing.]
Dad, we weren't looking at Joseph.
Oh, man.
Wow.
Does that goat know that that's a sheep? It doesn't care.
Gross.
OK, you kids ready to go home? In a minute.
Well, you know what? I wish someone would've told me that when I signed up for the gig.
Sheep and a goat-- That could be dangerous.
They could spawn a hybrid creature with strength of a goat and the cunning of a sheep.
Henry! We're gonna trim the tree! Henry: Trim it yourself! That isn't nice.
Mom, what's with him? Oh, well, thanks to your dad, Santa's not coming tonight.
Did you tick the old man off? No, no, no.
Dad ticked me off.
Ho ho ho! What would you like Santa to bring you this year? An astro jammer battle buggy.
Well, since you've been such a good boy, Santa's gonna put that on his sleigh just for you.
Really?! Yes, of course.
Ha ha ha! We spent 3 months trying to talk him out of that thing.
Deep-tread tires for all-wheel traction Rubber-tipped missiles for safe killing action TV: real jamming Astro jammer battle buggy I want that! No.
But it comes with everything you see here! It's too expensive, and there's no use for it.
I can pick up groceries in it, and see in that picture? The cat's running away from it.
No more worrying about cats.
Honey, that toy is designed for people with a lot of open land.
No, it's not! It's all-terrain! It even goes up curbs! Henry, fighting machines are girls' toys.
They are? Yeah Yeah.
You see that mirror? That's for checking your makeup.
Oh.
All that work for nothing.
Oh, no, no, no.
It wasn't for nothing.
Because Walt gets to come off great, OK? He gets to be the big generous hero, and I'm just the dad that disappoints his kid on Christmas morning.
You know, do you remember what christmases were like when we were kids? Dad? Can I get an evel knievel stunt cycle for Christmas? No.
But every kid's gonna have one.
Not you.
They only cost $15.
You're not getting evel knievel.
You're getting pants and a yo-yo, and you'd better act surprised.
I remember that Christmas.
I got a dictionary and a vest.
Yeah, at least you didn't get beaned with a yo-yo for not acting surprised.
Good lord, you guys grew up in a dickens novel.
It was more like bukowski.
Hey, you know, I had every reason to be upset.
Does your dad know how much those buggy things cost? I told him.
That's insane! Yeah, dad.
Yeah, it is, OK? So you gotta get him back on your lap and tell him he's not getting the battle buggy.
All right? Tell him that you, uh, you ran out of 'em.
Santa doesn't run out of things.
Look, whatever.
Tell him that the elves went on strike.
The elves aren't unionized.
Look, it's your problem, all right? You told him he's getting it, and now you gotta tell him he's not.
Ho ho ho! I'm not gonna do it.
You have to.
Santa's job isn't to tell kids they can't have things.
Santa's a yes-man.
Oh, great, now you're a yes-man.
Remember when I was a kid and I wanted the evel knievel stunt cycle? What are you talking about?! Oh, God! Of course he doesn't remember! Get out of here! Hey, I'm going.
All right, I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh! Oh, man, I'm sorry! I thought you were cardboard! Oh Oh.
You brought violence to Christmas town? It was Santa land, and yes.
[Giggling.]
Look at what Dean got me.
Oh, great.
The boyfriend got you underwear.
It's incredibly romantic, and to prove it, he even wrote "love.
" See, "love, Dean.
" That doesn't look like Dean.
No, it just got a little smudged outside.
I don't think that's a "d.
" No, it's an "h.
" No, it's not.
Looks more like a "b.
" No, it says "d.
" It's from Dean, OK? If it were "b" it-- Oh, God.
Brad.
OK, could that say "Brad"? I don't know.
It might.
Ooh, it would be just like that dumb butt to get me something so dorky and gross! OK, I've studied it.
All right, here's what you got.
It could either be from Brad or Dean.
Or a guy called "bead.
" Or "dren" or possibly "bleg.
" Great.
So how am I supposed to find out? Why don't you just ask him? Well, if I ask Dean and he didn't give it to me, he's gonna think that I'm hinting that he should've, and I'm not.
And if I ask Brad and he didn't give 'em to me, he's gonna think I wish he had, and I don't! I hate Christmas! All right, the tree's ready.
Throw all your crap on it.
God, it's almost 8:00, and we haven't even decorated the tree.
Quality takes time.
Yeah, that, and we didn't start looking till after 5:00.
How much longer do we have to sit here? Not much longer.
At 5:00, this place closes, and that last tree gets thrown in the dumpster.
It's meant for us.
No, you don't.
No, you don't! I'm sorry, folks.
Too late.
We're closed.
Can we just buy that last tree? On Christmas Eve? Sorry, folks.
You can't wait until now to get a tree, all right? This one's been promised to the lieutenant governor.
It has? That's right.
You'd better get out of here, 'cause if he sees you eyeballing his tree-- I'm just saying.
What's going on? It's OK, Steve.
I got this one.
My name is Warren, and who the hell are you? Warren, it's 5:00.
You're closed.
Take the sign down.
I close at 6:00.
I want to talk to Steve.
Why didn't you just buy it? I don't buy trees.
It's not right.
It's people trying to profit from the birth of our lord.
Sean, whispering: Hey, hey.
Is Henry still in bed? Claudia: Yeah.
Great.
Whoo! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Santa claus! A kick-ass Santa claus.
Where did you find that? In the attic.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, we don't need Walt.
I should've done this gig years ago.
There's spiders in that.
Aah! God! Yuck! Look, Sean, I know have every reason to want to kill your dad.
But this isn't about you.
This is about Henry.
It's about Christmas Eve.
Can't you just call Walt and ask him to come over? No, I don't want him to come over.
And even if I did, which I don't, it's not gonna happen.
Why not? Well, Joseph, back at the manger, well, he took things to the next level.
Who would have thought that these hands, the hands of a lowly, simple carpenter, would one day cradle a child such as this? Uh, don't wave, Jesus.
Hey, I'm the big draw here.
Please, just take it easy, pal.
Behold by the light of yon star that these 3 wise men have come to look at the son of God.
Ow! This goat is eating my sock! Sean: Come forward, rejoice, gather round, for today our savior is born! Look, I admit it wasn't the greatest manger scene ever, but you know, we were kind of getting into the spirit, and the crowd seemed to be eating it up.
Behold the gifts bestowed upon this child by this triumvirate of wise men.
Behold! Can--can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding? Walt: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Kids: Santa! Santa! It's Santa! Let's go! Yay! No.
No, no.
Behold Jesus, not Santa.
Him, not him! Walt: Ho ho ho! Come back! Merry Christmas! [Crowd cheering.]
Walt: You're getting pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo! I'm not gonna do it.
Santa's a yes-man.
Ho ho ho! Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo! Ho ho ho! Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
[Crowd cheering.]
They're throwing fruit! They're throwing fruit! It was Joseph.
He did it.
Get him! Brad: I got your back, Mr.
Finnerty.
I got ya! What you got? What you got? Sean: Hey! Ow! [Beep.]
Do you really think the microwave's gonna kill spiders? That or give them superpowers.
You sure you don't want to just call Walt? No way, baby.
Look, I've kicked back all these years watching him have fun, all right? It's my turn to be Santa.
I'm gonna change things up, put a little funk on it.
You're gonna put a little funk on Santa? Yeah! There's no reason Santa couldn't be cool, you know, appeal to kids, have a little something special for the ladies.
Mac daddy Santa.
That's right.
That's what I'm talking about.
I just hope you know what you're doing.
[Chuckles.]
I know what I'm doing.
You just watch-- [Screams.]
Ow! Hot, hot, oh! Lily? Brad, I'm in here.
Wow! Uh Do you approve? Of you not wearing pants? Yes! No, of the boxer shorts.
I hope they weren't too expensive? I wouldn't know.
My mom only buys me briefs.
She says boys need support, you know? Brad, am I wearing your Christmas present? Maybe.
I don't know.
What are you doing? How can I tell if you're wearing my perfume? You got me perfume? Yeah.
Yes! I knew you'd like it.
I didn't-- What? The perfume? Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
OK, you can go now.
Thanks, yeah.
Oh, do you want-- Thanks for coming! Oh, great.
I'll stop by-- Yes! It actually looks kind of good.
Your cheeks are all rosy.
Ohh.
Hey, merry Christmas, Mr.
and Mrs.
Finnerty.
Oh, merry Christmas, Brad.
Hey, sorry I couldn't do more at the manger tonight, man.
I gotta take off my shirt to really kick some ass, you know? No problem.
You know, Brad, we have some eggnog in the kitchen.
Oh, great.
That-- Can I have some? Yes.
Oh.
I'll get you a glass.
Come on.
Oh, yes! OK, I admit it, this tree is beautiful.
Where did you find this? Around.
Yeah, uncle Eddie just happened to spot it.
Let's just go home.
We're never gonna find a tree.
Fortune favors the bold, my friend.
Bingo.
It's a hospital.
And this is an emergency.
Jimmy, when I say watch my back, I don't mean look at my back, I mean watch my back.
Stealing a Christmas tree from a hospital's a crime.
So's dumping tea in the Boston harbor.
But sometimes you gotta take a stand.
But we're not taking a stand.
We're taking a Christmas tree.
Yeah, we're striking back at the h.
M.
O.
S.
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? There's a light broke, and I'm taking it to my workshop, and I'm gonna bring it there, I'm gonna bring it back here.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
So you should go back to bed and have a good night.
But this is my floor.
That's all right.
Have a good Christmas.
I don't want to go upstairs! This is my floor! You stole their tree?! Hey, I am not a monster.
I left them a little something.
Eddie: OK, Jimmy, plug her in.
You are taking this thing back right now! I'll take it back.
But you know, I'd hate to see Henry's face Christmas morning when he wakes up and he finds his tree is gone.
You're taking this thing back tomorrow.
Ho ho ho! You got a Santa You got a bitchin' Santa, fantastic Santa Whoo! Oh, you smell like cat pee.
[Doorbell rings.]
Well, merry Christmas to you, too.
Hey.
Hey, look at you, huh? Kris kringle.
Yeah.
Nice.
So, what are you getting me for Christmas there, chubs? Well, call me chubs again, and I'll show you what I got you for Christmas.
Lily's upstairs.
Hey, that is a nice-looking tree.
Thank you.
It's stolen.
Cool.
Hey, Finnerty--wow.
Dean, hey.
So what do you think? Um, you don't have any pants on.
I wanted to show you your Christmas present.
No, no.
See, your parents are right downstairs.
So what? All right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm knocking back some eggnog with the lady in her underwear.
No, he's not.
Relax, OK? I mean, it's not like you're here with another man or anything.
All right! The shirt's coming off! Let's go! Brad! Brad, go home! Brad, go home.
All right, all right.
It's Christmas, and we'll save this for another day.
But if you happen to smell something sweet on her, it's the perfume I gave her! The scent of Brad O'Keefe.
Go, go.
Uhh.
So, uh, he got you perfume, huh? Yeah, but who cares? I hate perfume.
Perfume is for old ladies and hookers.
I like what you got me.
I, um I got you perfume.
Oh.
I like-- I like perfume, though.
I mean-- I like this perfume.
Oh, yes, OK.
[Sniffs.]
Oh! This is the perfume I like.
Merry Christmas, Finnerty.
Henry: Hey! Why are you wearing Santa's underwear? What? Santa's underwear.
I wrapped them myself, and I left them on the front porch for him, and you're wearing them! Why is everybody in this family trying to destroy my Christmas?! Claudia: Henry Finnerty, get back in that bed! Claudia: Henry, I think I heard him.
Are you sure? Yeah.
It's him! He did come! Ho ho ho! Crap.
Mom, why did Santa just use a swear word? Look, he's going for the milk and cookies.
Milk and cookies.
Ho ho ho! Oh, yes, milk.
Oh! Sour milk.
Oh! Santa wonders when Henry put this milk out.
Yesterday.
So I wouldn't forget.
Well, I'll just save this for my thirsty reindeer.
OK, quick, back to bed, OK, before he sees you.
Walt: Ho ho ho! What's that? [Sleigh bells.]
Walt: Ho ho ho! Claudia: Bed! Bed! It's Santa! Another one! No! No, it's not another Santa heading for the front door, which is unlocked! Ow! What? Uh Ho ho! What are you doing down there? I'm Santa, so why don't you just get back in your sleigh and shove off on your merry way through the snow.
Ho ho ho! Well, I think there's some confusion.
See, I've been coming to this house for years and years, spreading joy.
Ho ho! Oh, ho ho ho! Well, I know the people in this house want me here instead of you! OK, it's really time for you to go to bed now.
No way.
I want to see how this plays out.
Why don't we just go outside in the street and discuss it sensibly like men next to my sleigh? Ho ho ho! Gladly.
Ho ho ho! All right, dad What are you doing? Look, after we talked, I went to 4 different toy stores and tried to find that evel knievel stunt cycle that you wanted so bad.
Yeah, I don't want it anymore.
I wanted it when I was 11.
Well, what do you want, then? I want you to butt out, OK? I mean, I want to give my kids the kind of Christmas you never gave me, not let you give them the kind of Christmas you never gave me.
OK? I mean, is that too much to ask for? OK.
But I did find something at the toy store.
"To Henry, merry Christmas.
Love, mom and dad.
" Santa never breaks a promise.
Oh And I got you one more thing.
What's that, dad? Merry Christmas.
I love you, too, dad.
inclination ascension Ready, fire! Fire! What?! Retreat! What are you doing?! I'll teach you to wake me up! Retreat! Retreat!
Come on, Henry.
Lighten up, all right? How can I? Santa claus isn't coming tonight! So what? We're still gonna have a great Christmas.
I mean, presents, stockings, the whole 9 yards.
Presents? Stockings? That's what Santa does! Hey, Henry! Oh, better not pout.
Oh, I'm way past pouting.
What happened? I was just on my way down to see you play Joseph at the manger.
Well, you missed a heck of a show.
[O little town of Bethlehem playing.]
[Baa.]
Oh, stop it! Ow! Ow! You were ambushed by elves? Yeah, yeah.
Santa's elves.
The fat bastard sicked 'em on me.
But your dad is Santa.
Yeah, and he's a fat bastard, and you know what? Christmas is gonna be so much better this year without him.
He's not coming?! Uh-uh, nope.
And you know what? I'm fine with it.
Because every year, he manages to steamroll right over my Christmas.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, Walt has to come, 'cause every year, Henry sneaks out of his bed to get that little peak at Santa claus.
Hey, look, Henry's gonna have a good Christmas.
OK, trust me.
Hey, sweetie, you want a Christmas cookie? I made you this snowman.
That's the spirit, buddy.
There it goes.
Henry's still pretty upset.
Oh, he's gonna get over it.
Couldn't you just ruin Christmas the old-fashioned way? Just get drunk and fall down the fireplace? Night's still young.
Claudia: Ah, finally.
Whoa! Hey, man, you got that tree for free? Didn't I say I would? Yeah, you said you would 2 weeks ago.
It's Christmas Eve.
Well, I got it here with a day to spare.
Just get it in the stand.
I'll go get the decorations.
Hee hee hee! Yes! Yes! Dean left this gift for me on the front porch.
He is so sweet! Look! He even wrapped it himself.
How sweet is that?! It says "love.
" Love! What are you people looking at? This is personal.
What's with the getup? I was playing Joseph down at the living manger at the church.
Why the hell would you do that? For the kids, man.
For the kids.
You know, last year, I couldn't pry 'em away from it.
[O come, all ye faithful playing.]
Dad, we weren't looking at Joseph.
Oh, man.
Wow.
Does that goat know that that's a sheep? It doesn't care.
Gross.
OK, you kids ready to go home? In a minute.
Well, you know what? I wish someone would've told me that when I signed up for the gig.
Sheep and a goat-- That could be dangerous.
They could spawn a hybrid creature with strength of a goat and the cunning of a sheep.
Henry! We're gonna trim the tree! Henry: Trim it yourself! That isn't nice.
Mom, what's with him? Oh, well, thanks to your dad, Santa's not coming tonight.
Did you tick the old man off? No, no, no.
Dad ticked me off.
Ho ho ho! What would you like Santa to bring you this year? An astro jammer battle buggy.
Well, since you've been such a good boy, Santa's gonna put that on his sleigh just for you.
Really?! Yes, of course.
Ha ha ha! We spent 3 months trying to talk him out of that thing.
Deep-tread tires for all-wheel traction Rubber-tipped missiles for safe killing action TV: real jamming Astro jammer battle buggy I want that! No.
But it comes with everything you see here! It's too expensive, and there's no use for it.
I can pick up groceries in it, and see in that picture? The cat's running away from it.
No more worrying about cats.
Honey, that toy is designed for people with a lot of open land.
No, it's not! It's all-terrain! It even goes up curbs! Henry, fighting machines are girls' toys.
They are? Yeah Yeah.
You see that mirror? That's for checking your makeup.
Oh.
All that work for nothing.
Oh, no, no, no.
It wasn't for nothing.
Because Walt gets to come off great, OK? He gets to be the big generous hero, and I'm just the dad that disappoints his kid on Christmas morning.
You know, do you remember what christmases were like when we were kids? Dad? Can I get an evel knievel stunt cycle for Christmas? No.
But every kid's gonna have one.
Not you.
They only cost $15.
You're not getting evel knievel.
You're getting pants and a yo-yo, and you'd better act surprised.
I remember that Christmas.
I got a dictionary and a vest.
Yeah, at least you didn't get beaned with a yo-yo for not acting surprised.
Good lord, you guys grew up in a dickens novel.
It was more like bukowski.
Hey, you know, I had every reason to be upset.
Does your dad know how much those buggy things cost? I told him.
That's insane! Yeah, dad.
Yeah, it is, OK? So you gotta get him back on your lap and tell him he's not getting the battle buggy.
All right? Tell him that you, uh, you ran out of 'em.
Santa doesn't run out of things.
Look, whatever.
Tell him that the elves went on strike.
The elves aren't unionized.
Look, it's your problem, all right? You told him he's getting it, and now you gotta tell him he's not.
Ho ho ho! I'm not gonna do it.
You have to.
Santa's job isn't to tell kids they can't have things.
Santa's a yes-man.
Oh, great, now you're a yes-man.
Remember when I was a kid and I wanted the evel knievel stunt cycle? What are you talking about?! Oh, God! Of course he doesn't remember! Get out of here! Hey, I'm going.
All right, I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh! Oh, man, I'm sorry! I thought you were cardboard! Oh Oh.
You brought violence to Christmas town? It was Santa land, and yes.
[Giggling.]
Look at what Dean got me.
Oh, great.
The boyfriend got you underwear.
It's incredibly romantic, and to prove it, he even wrote "love.
" See, "love, Dean.
" That doesn't look like Dean.
No, it just got a little smudged outside.
I don't think that's a "d.
" No, it's an "h.
" No, it's not.
Looks more like a "b.
" No, it says "d.
" It's from Dean, OK? If it were "b" it-- Oh, God.
Brad.
OK, could that say "Brad"? I don't know.
It might.
Ooh, it would be just like that dumb butt to get me something so dorky and gross! OK, I've studied it.
All right, here's what you got.
It could either be from Brad or Dean.
Or a guy called "bead.
" Or "dren" or possibly "bleg.
" Great.
So how am I supposed to find out? Why don't you just ask him? Well, if I ask Dean and he didn't give it to me, he's gonna think that I'm hinting that he should've, and I'm not.
And if I ask Brad and he didn't give 'em to me, he's gonna think I wish he had, and I don't! I hate Christmas! All right, the tree's ready.
Throw all your crap on it.
God, it's almost 8:00, and we haven't even decorated the tree.
Quality takes time.
Yeah, that, and we didn't start looking till after 5:00.
How much longer do we have to sit here? Not much longer.
At 5:00, this place closes, and that last tree gets thrown in the dumpster.
It's meant for us.
No, you don't.
No, you don't! I'm sorry, folks.
Too late.
We're closed.
Can we just buy that last tree? On Christmas Eve? Sorry, folks.
You can't wait until now to get a tree, all right? This one's been promised to the lieutenant governor.
It has? That's right.
You'd better get out of here, 'cause if he sees you eyeballing his tree-- I'm just saying.
What's going on? It's OK, Steve.
I got this one.
My name is Warren, and who the hell are you? Warren, it's 5:00.
You're closed.
Take the sign down.
I close at 6:00.
I want to talk to Steve.
Why didn't you just buy it? I don't buy trees.
It's not right.
It's people trying to profit from the birth of our lord.
Sean, whispering: Hey, hey.
Is Henry still in bed? Claudia: Yeah.
Great.
Whoo! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Santa claus! A kick-ass Santa claus.
Where did you find that? In the attic.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, we don't need Walt.
I should've done this gig years ago.
There's spiders in that.
Aah! God! Yuck! Look, Sean, I know have every reason to want to kill your dad.
But this isn't about you.
This is about Henry.
It's about Christmas Eve.
Can't you just call Walt and ask him to come over? No, I don't want him to come over.
And even if I did, which I don't, it's not gonna happen.
Why not? Well, Joseph, back at the manger, well, he took things to the next level.
Who would have thought that these hands, the hands of a lowly, simple carpenter, would one day cradle a child such as this? Uh, don't wave, Jesus.
Hey, I'm the big draw here.
Please, just take it easy, pal.
Behold by the light of yon star that these 3 wise men have come to look at the son of God.
Ow! This goat is eating my sock! Sean: Come forward, rejoice, gather round, for today our savior is born! Look, I admit it wasn't the greatest manger scene ever, but you know, we were kind of getting into the spirit, and the crowd seemed to be eating it up.
Behold the gifts bestowed upon this child by this triumvirate of wise men.
Behold! Can--can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding? Walt: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Kids: Santa! Santa! It's Santa! Let's go! Yay! No.
No, no.
Behold Jesus, not Santa.
Him, not him! Walt: Ho ho ho! Come back! Merry Christmas! [Crowd cheering.]
Walt: You're getting pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo! I'm not gonna do it.
Santa's a yes-man.
Ho ho ho! Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo! Ho ho ho! Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
Pants and a yo-yo.
[Crowd cheering.]
They're throwing fruit! They're throwing fruit! It was Joseph.
He did it.
Get him! Brad: I got your back, Mr.
Finnerty.
I got ya! What you got? What you got? Sean: Hey! Ow! [Beep.]
Do you really think the microwave's gonna kill spiders? That or give them superpowers.
You sure you don't want to just call Walt? No way, baby.
Look, I've kicked back all these years watching him have fun, all right? It's my turn to be Santa.
I'm gonna change things up, put a little funk on it.
You're gonna put a little funk on Santa? Yeah! There's no reason Santa couldn't be cool, you know, appeal to kids, have a little something special for the ladies.
Mac daddy Santa.
That's right.
That's what I'm talking about.
I just hope you know what you're doing.
[Chuckles.]
I know what I'm doing.
You just watch-- [Screams.]
Ow! Hot, hot, oh! Lily? Brad, I'm in here.
Wow! Uh Do you approve? Of you not wearing pants? Yes! No, of the boxer shorts.
I hope they weren't too expensive? I wouldn't know.
My mom only buys me briefs.
She says boys need support, you know? Brad, am I wearing your Christmas present? Maybe.
I don't know.
What are you doing? How can I tell if you're wearing my perfume? You got me perfume? Yeah.
Yes! I knew you'd like it.
I didn't-- What? The perfume? Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
OK, you can go now.
Thanks, yeah.
Oh, do you want-- Thanks for coming! Oh, great.
I'll stop by-- Yes! It actually looks kind of good.
Your cheeks are all rosy.
Ohh.
Hey, merry Christmas, Mr.
and Mrs.
Finnerty.
Oh, merry Christmas, Brad.
Hey, sorry I couldn't do more at the manger tonight, man.
I gotta take off my shirt to really kick some ass, you know? No problem.
You know, Brad, we have some eggnog in the kitchen.
Oh, great.
That-- Can I have some? Yes.
Oh.
I'll get you a glass.
Come on.
Oh, yes! OK, I admit it, this tree is beautiful.
Where did you find this? Around.
Yeah, uncle Eddie just happened to spot it.
Let's just go home.
We're never gonna find a tree.
Fortune favors the bold, my friend.
Bingo.
It's a hospital.
And this is an emergency.
Jimmy, when I say watch my back, I don't mean look at my back, I mean watch my back.
Stealing a Christmas tree from a hospital's a crime.
So's dumping tea in the Boston harbor.
But sometimes you gotta take a stand.
But we're not taking a stand.
We're taking a Christmas tree.
Yeah, we're striking back at the h.
M.
O.
S.
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? There's a light broke, and I'm taking it to my workshop, and I'm gonna bring it there, I'm gonna bring it back here.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
So you should go back to bed and have a good night.
But this is my floor.
That's all right.
Have a good Christmas.
I don't want to go upstairs! This is my floor! You stole their tree?! Hey, I am not a monster.
I left them a little something.
Eddie: OK, Jimmy, plug her in.
You are taking this thing back right now! I'll take it back.
But you know, I'd hate to see Henry's face Christmas morning when he wakes up and he finds his tree is gone.
You're taking this thing back tomorrow.
Ho ho ho! You got a Santa You got a bitchin' Santa, fantastic Santa Whoo! Oh, you smell like cat pee.
[Doorbell rings.]
Well, merry Christmas to you, too.
Hey.
Hey, look at you, huh? Kris kringle.
Yeah.
Nice.
So, what are you getting me for Christmas there, chubs? Well, call me chubs again, and I'll show you what I got you for Christmas.
Lily's upstairs.
Hey, that is a nice-looking tree.
Thank you.
It's stolen.
Cool.
Hey, Finnerty--wow.
Dean, hey.
So what do you think? Um, you don't have any pants on.
I wanted to show you your Christmas present.
No, no.
See, your parents are right downstairs.
So what? All right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm knocking back some eggnog with the lady in her underwear.
No, he's not.
Relax, OK? I mean, it's not like you're here with another man or anything.
All right! The shirt's coming off! Let's go! Brad! Brad, go home! Brad, go home.
All right, all right.
It's Christmas, and we'll save this for another day.
But if you happen to smell something sweet on her, it's the perfume I gave her! The scent of Brad O'Keefe.
Go, go.
Uhh.
So, uh, he got you perfume, huh? Yeah, but who cares? I hate perfume.
Perfume is for old ladies and hookers.
I like what you got me.
I, um I got you perfume.
Oh.
I like-- I like perfume, though.
I mean-- I like this perfume.
Oh, yes, OK.
[Sniffs.]
Oh! This is the perfume I like.
Merry Christmas, Finnerty.
Henry: Hey! Why are you wearing Santa's underwear? What? Santa's underwear.
I wrapped them myself, and I left them on the front porch for him, and you're wearing them! Why is everybody in this family trying to destroy my Christmas?! Claudia: Henry Finnerty, get back in that bed! Claudia: Henry, I think I heard him.
Are you sure? Yeah.
It's him! He did come! Ho ho ho! Crap.
Mom, why did Santa just use a swear word? Look, he's going for the milk and cookies.
Milk and cookies.
Ho ho ho! Oh, yes, milk.
Oh! Sour milk.
Oh! Santa wonders when Henry put this milk out.
Yesterday.
So I wouldn't forget.
Well, I'll just save this for my thirsty reindeer.
OK, quick, back to bed, OK, before he sees you.
Walt: Ho ho ho! What's that? [Sleigh bells.]
Walt: Ho ho ho! Claudia: Bed! Bed! It's Santa! Another one! No! No, it's not another Santa heading for the front door, which is unlocked! Ow! What? Uh Ho ho! What are you doing down there? I'm Santa, so why don't you just get back in your sleigh and shove off on your merry way through the snow.
Ho ho ho! Well, I think there's some confusion.
See, I've been coming to this house for years and years, spreading joy.
Ho ho! Oh, ho ho ho! Well, I know the people in this house want me here instead of you! OK, it's really time for you to go to bed now.
No way.
I want to see how this plays out.
Why don't we just go outside in the street and discuss it sensibly like men next to my sleigh? Ho ho ho! Gladly.
Ho ho ho! All right, dad What are you doing? Look, after we talked, I went to 4 different toy stores and tried to find that evel knievel stunt cycle that you wanted so bad.
Yeah, I don't want it anymore.
I wanted it when I was 11.
Well, what do you want, then? I want you to butt out, OK? I mean, I want to give my kids the kind of Christmas you never gave me, not let you give them the kind of Christmas you never gave me.
OK? I mean, is that too much to ask for? OK.
But I did find something at the toy store.
"To Henry, merry Christmas.
Love, mom and dad.
" Santa never breaks a promise.
Oh And I got you one more thing.
What's that, dad? Merry Christmas.
I love you, too, dad.
inclination ascension Ready, fire! Fire! What?! Retreat! What are you doing?! I'll teach you to wake me up! Retreat! Retreat!