Grounded For Life (2001) s02e21 Episode Script

Hurry up.
Come on.
Get a move on.
We're late.
You can't be late to a funeral.
- Sean? - Yeah, baby? Did you see this? It's the condolence card.
Henry wrote, "get well soon.
" Oh.
Uh There are other cards in the drawer, aren't there? I'm goin' out to the car.
Mom, I think my suit is way too small.
Yeah.
Me, too.
They're-- They're fine.
We'll--we'll just-- Here, we'll just pull your sleeve down a little.
Jimmy, give Henry your suit jacket.
Well, then, what am I supposed to do? Y-you're gonna take Henry's jacket and just-- Just sling it casually over your shoulder.
Well, what about my pants? You want me to casually sling those over my shoulder, too? Put on your black jeans.
Go.
No, no, no, no.
Why are they going upstairs?! To change their clothes! Come on, we are late! Let's get a move on it.
Why do I have to go to this funeral? I barely even remember cousin Scott.
'Cause Scott and I grew up together.
He was a great guy.
Well, he wasn't very smart.
Why would you say that? He snowboarded out of a helicopter onto a glacier and then off the edge of the glacier.
Well, that's what made Scott great.
I mean, he lived life to the fullest.
Light 'em up! Whoo-hoo! Sean: Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! [Loud crash.]
Oh, Sean! You gotta try this, man.
I really don't.
Huh? Huh?! It was like a little gnarly little monkey-dog.
A shark just swam up and bit your board? No, not just my board.
Ready? Huh?! Huh?! He just took a chunk! I--I was, "pbbbt!" You gotta come out there with me, Sean.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
One of these days, yeah.
No.
Today is one of these days.
No, it's not.
All right.
So, you pay attention, 'cause you're next, all right? All right! [Scott laughs.]
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Yeah! Scott: Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna go get my sunblock.
You're not coming back, are you? Hell no.
Guys This is the part where you pull me up! Well, if you two are so close, how come I didn't see him more? Well, Scott and I took separate paths in life.
He spent the last 10 years climbing the world's tallest mountains, and I spent the last 10 years trying to get children into the car! Come on! Babe, this is the only other card I could find.
That's got a baby's butt on it.
But see, that--that should cheer him up, right? Baby butt! All right, all right.
Sign my name.
I'm in the car.
I'm going out the door.
I am actually in the car! [Door opens.]
Baby, where are my keys? Uh, upstairs on the dresser.
Can you get 'em for me? Why can't you go get 'em? Well, they think I'm in the car.
OK, come on, guys.
Let's get going.
Hey, I thought you were in the car.
Well, I was, OK? But it took you guys so long that I had to come back inside, and now I gotta go to the bathroom.
Sean, co-- OK, I'm gonna go play a video game.
No! No! I'm bored.
Henry, we-- We just got here.
Just bein' honest.
Well, please be quiet.
When are we leaving? Shh! Ah, good.
You're here.
Jimmy, put on your jacket.
Aw, take it off.
OK, look, I know they need new suits.
You should always have funeral clothes ready to go.
I know.
I know.
I'm just saying I learned it the hard way at uncle Pete's funeral.
I'm very sorry, aunt edna.
It's all I had.
Sorry.
She said I couldn't be a pallbearer because I looked like Tony Orlando.
Cousin Scott is in there? Yeah.
He's been cremated.
They turn him into cream?! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Leave that alone.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You guys go give your condolences to aunt Betty.
Wh-which one's aunt Betty? Over there.
She's the one who looks like she ate the lipstick.
Scoot.
Walt: Ah, Scott.
Do you smell something? No.
You don't smell coffee? No.
Hey.
What-- Oh, my God! It's full of coffee grinds! Are you serious?! I don't believe this.
We've gotta go talk to the funeral director.
Wait, dad.
Are you sure you want to make a scene? I mean, aren't people upset enough already? How can you be so calm? I don't know.
I just think these kinds of things probably happen more often than we realize.
Mm-hmm.
This is coffee, for Pete's sake! These people are mourning a pot of coffee! Shh! Oh, God.
It's OK, Claudia.
No, no, no.
I'm not sure that it is.
Claud-- Oh It was you.
You did it! Chill out, dad.
I will not.
You're making a scene.
You're grave robbers.
We are not grave robbers.
Hi.
Aah.
Oh, Sean, Claudia.
I am so happy to see you.
The--the flowers-- They are so lovely.
Yes.
Are you OK? No.
What's wrong? Scott's dead.
Oh, right.
Uh, um I'm Lily.
Jeff.
Do--do you want a tissue? That's not snot.
It's gum.
Thank you.
I have some gum, if you need some.
I just can't believe he's gone.
It'll be OK.
I got the cold cut platter at mazzarino's.
It was very, very good.
I love the baby pickles.
Do you smell coffee? No! You crazy? Well, where's it coming from? Marie, have you kissed Jimmy and Henry yet? Oh, no.
Where are the little dumplings? Oh, I see you.
You come give aunt Marie a big hug.
What the hell did you do?! It's no big deal.
No big deal? You secretly replaced the remains of your dead cousin with folgers crystals! Look, Scott was all about life, and look at this place-- Everybody sad and weeping.
It's depressing.
It's a funeral, not a Taffy pull.
Scott would have hated this.
And how do you know that? Because he told us.
and so they dug him up, right? And on the inside of the coffin lid, they found scratch marks.
Frantic scratch marks.
Oh, God.
Oh, no way, man.
I'm tellin' you.
And the irony is they would have heard him trying to get out, but one of his last wishes was to have a marching band at his funeral.
I would never want my body to be stuck inside of some box.
What would you care? You'd be dead.
Yeah, my body'd be dead, but my spirit That'd still be alive.
I'm donating my body to science.
But not the skeleton.
I don't want-- I don't want medical students puttin' hats on me, and crap like that.
I want to be cremated.
And then I want you guys to just toss me into the wind.
Yeah, right.
No.
No, I mean it.
From right up here.
On this water tower right here.
Because this--yeah, this is as close as you can get to heaven in Staten Island.
That's so true.
I just want you guys to just set me free So I can fly in the sky like a-- Free, like a b-bird.
Hey.
Hey, Scott, that was my frisbee, man! Now it's free.
Bull.
That was, like, 8 bucks.
Look, with the exception of your wedding vows, oaths taken by stoned teenagers are not legally binding.
Scott was serious, dad.
He was obsessed about it.
Scott, what are we doing up here? We're partyin' Hey.
Come on.
You're gonna freeze to death, man.
Well, if I do, they you guys just gotta come right back up here next weekend.
Why? To throw my ashes off.
So, what if the wind blows your ashes, like, back in our mouths? Yeah! I don't mind if you guys eat a little bit of me.
That's, like, good, almost.
Oh.
Get back over here.
No.
Say, "I promise I'll toss them.
" Sean, Claudia, Eddie: We promise we'll toss them.
Come on.
Aah! Oh! Stop that! Psych! I had it the whole time.
Oh! A promise is a promise, dad.
We made a vow.
Oh, Sean, come on.
We were teenagers.
I also vowed to save myself for George Michael.
Mom, you've gotta hide us.
Uh-oh.
Aunt deidre, OK, let's split up.
We'll be harder to catch.
OK, you head straight for aunt deidre, OK? And I'll go that way.
Go! Got it.
Aah! Ah! No! No! Mommy! It really makes you think, doesn't it? One minute you have your whole life ahead of you And--and the next minute Not Life Ahead of you.
Why am I laying this on you? I don't even know you.
No, no, no.
It's OK.
Just-- Just let it out.
I don't want to burden you.
Burden me.
Don't you have a boyfriend? Don't you have a life? No.
Go away! Help me out here.
How do you even begin to formulate a plan to steal a dead person? There wasn't any big plan.
Yeah.
We were just gonna ask aunt Betty at the wake for the ashes, but there's really no clear etiquette for that kind of thing.
No.
No.
But we were drinking, and we just-- Eddie did it.
Eddie did it.
Sean, go distract everybody.
What? Go distract everybody.
Go do somethin'.
What?! Go do somethin'.
Oh.
But, uh--uh--uh--uh-- Da-Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are callin' [others join in.]
from Glen to Glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the leaves are fallin' 'Tis you, 'tis you Must go and I must bide 'Tis I'll be here In sunshine or in shadow Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy I love you so Well, I hope you're happy.
You have ruined Danny boyfor me.
Oh, Marie.
Uh, what are you doing? Betty wanted me to put Scott's class ring in the urn.
No, no.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Here.
Here.
Let me do it for you.
I swear I smell coffee.
Well, they're opening up those Starbucks everywhere now.
We're all going to hell, aren't we? Front of the line.
Sean: Yeah.
That was such a wonderful funeral.
Lily.
Well, no, I just-- I just meant I had more fun than I thought I would.
Fun? Well, not fun.
I-- I just--I met some cool people, and-- You know what? I saw you and Jeff really hit it off.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know Jeff? Yeah.
Cousin Jeff? Cousin Jeff? He's my cousin? Sure, yeah.
Don't you remember? From Joe and Diane's wedding.
Eww! What?! Oh, man! Hey, guys, how was the funeral? Oh, terrific.
I had to lead a decade of the rosary for a pound of Colombian roast.
I take it he knows.
Yep.
So, where the hell were you? I was taking care of some unfinished business.
Just tell me you got it.
I got it.
Got what? See--well, last night we had a service of our own.
Jeez.
This climb is a lot scarier than I remember.
Whew.
That's because this is the first time that we did it when we weren't completely baked.
This is excellent.
All right Let's do it.
[Boom box switches on.]
Not the tape! The CD.
Sorry.
[Music playing.]
OK.
Wow.
Shall we say a few words? Claudia? Hey, Scott.
It's me, Claudia.
I can't believe you're gone.
Not that I didn't see it coming.
You know, you always did those stupid, ridiculous, dangerous things.
And I would tell you not to, but you were just so pigheaded.
Wherever you are, just please be careful.
Edward.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, domine, et Lux perpetua.
What is that? It's from The Omen.
Hey, Scott Hey, buddy Here we are on the water tower, just like you wanted.
I always thought I'd be an old man, but what the hell, huh? Wasn't easy gettin' up here, and if your mom finds out, we're dead.
So, I hope you were serious.
Anyway, we love you, and we miss you.
Have a nice flight.
It's kinda hard.
No, I--I got-- Aah! Aah! No! [Thud.]
Oh, man, I think you dropped him.
You dropped him? Yeah.
Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't tupperware.
It was some no-name brand.
Yeah.
And we-- We searched in the bushes for over an hour, but it was so dark.
But I went out there this morning, and I found him.
He was under a bush, right next to your frisbee.
Oh, what-- Wait a minute.
This isn't my frisbee.
But you could still have fun with it, you know.
All right, the important thing is, it's not too late, right? We have Scott now, so we can do the right thing.
No, no, no.
I made him a promise.
Come on, Sean, you kept your stupid promise.
You threw him off the water tower.
Scott wanted to be scattered.
Come on.
Where-- Where are the ashes? I-I'll never tell.
All right.
Look, just get out of my way.
You'll have to knock me down first.
I could do that.
All right, let's not get crazy.
Yeah.
[Vacuum cleaner whining.]
Man, that thing was dusty.
Oh You know, this toothpaste fights tartar and plaque, but, duh, I don't see anything about cousin kissing.
Shut up.
I didn't know.
Lil, you and me, we're-- We're just friends, right? Get out! Hey, don't brush angry.
It's the number one cause of receding gums.
So, you gonna be in here much longer? I gotta to, uh-- You know, I gotta-- I gotta send a fax, you know? Doesn't this family have a tongue scraper? What is--what's the matter with you? Cousin Jeff.
Oh, he's a bum.
He owes me $115 for 2 months.
Well, what do you know? Being a deadbeat runs in the family.
Oh, he's not family.
He's--he's a cousin by marriage.
Wait.
So, we're not blood relatives? No.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Let the good times roll.
Hold it upright.
You're gonna spill him.
Don't worry.
If I spill him, I'll just suck him up again, OK? OK, put him in this.
That's a cookie jar.
This is very urn-like.
It's hideous! You gave it to us.
Well, it's got its charm.
Hey, dad, do you have cousin Jeff's phone number? Yeah.
It's in my book.
Cool.
Wait.
Why do you want to call cousin Jeff? Well, if you must know, I think Jeff and I could be kinda havin' a thing.
You can't date cousin Jeff.
No, no, no.
It's OK.
We're not related by blood.
We're related by marriage.
Yes.
His marriage.
He's married? Yes, to your cousin susie.
How would that creep just lead me on-- Are they happy? Yeah.
Oh, I gotta go brush my tongue.
I'm gonna look like an idiot walkin' into that mausoleum carrying a clown head.
Don't worry about it, Walt.
I'll carry it.
You're not takin' it.
Sean, listen to me.
No, I'm not gonna listen to you.
You're sellin' Scott out.
Sean, look at him.
He doesn't care anymore, all right? Last night we were emotional, and we were drunk, and we were extremely irresponsible and juvenile.
Claudia, that's the point.
If there's one thing we can learn from Scott, it's that we don't always have to do the most responsible thing all the time.
Yes.
Fine.
Fine.
That is how Scott lived his life.
It is not how we live ours.
Well, maybe we should.
Life's so short.
Why don't we take risks? We take risks, all right? We have an adjustable-rate mortgage.
We just paid off our visa with our mastercard.
We are raising 3 kids in New York City, and we don't know what the hell we're doing.
I don't know about you, but I, for one, would welcome a glacier.
Scott always asked me to do these crazy things with him, go on adventures and, you know, I always said no, 'cause I thought I'd have another chance.
And finally I get this chance to take him on an adventure-- The one adventure that he really wanted-- And I can't.
And it's a damn shame.
Well.
Yeah.
Well, uh, I don't really know what to say.
I said some beautiful things to that urn full of coffee, but, uh, they escape me now.
I--is somethin' burnin' here? Somebody's burning leaves.
Sweet.
Smoke.
Go ahead, Walt.
Yeah.
Anyway, Scott, I didn't understand you in life, and I don't understand you now, but you were a good kid And I'm gonna miss you.
So, go on now.
Get outta here.
We probably shouldn't have parked so close.
All right, let's go through it again.
I want to be laid out for 2 nights at daltons, and after the service, I want you to take everybody to the bamboo gardens for a nice lunch.
But, so help me God, if you desecrate my memory with a cash bar, I will come back and kill you both.
Now, uh, I left my guest list out in the car.
I can't take any more of this.
I say we just toss him off the tower.
He's not being cremated.
No.
Tonight.