Grounded For Life (2001) s03e12 Episode Script

Mom, in this light, this dress looks more like a blue-black than a black-black.
Nah, trust me.
It's black-black.
No, it's got a slight blueness to it.
It makes me look Pasty.
You look beautiful.
I look like a corpse.
How am I supposed to win the pageant if they think I'm dead? Ok.
You don't look dead.
Why don't we take a little break from this and talk about your platform issues? Oh, I've been trying.
I can't think of Anything worth talking about.
Well, there's the classics, you know, war, poverty, disease.
Nah.
Ok, the environment.
You care about the environment.
I don't know.
Hasn't that been done? Sean? Sean? Where's your father? He's upstairs.
Oh, hey, uncle Eddie.
How was your trip? It was great.
Did you bring us anything? Nah, they didn't have any kind of, like, touristy stuff like that.
You were at Disney world.
Here's 20 bucks.
Split it.
Wow.
We got 20 bucks from Disney world.
Where the hell is Sean? What's the problem? The problem is our bar.
When I left a week ago, everything was great.
Hey, there he is, the man that makes it all happen! All right, ladies.
Here you go.
One mango Margarita, no salt.
One pearatini.
Mmm, looks yummy.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
I bet.
Hey, Eddie.
Now that was a bar a man could be proud of.
For the first time in my life, I was actually excited to get up in the afternoon and go to work.
So what's your problem? We're kind of in the middle of something here.
My problem is I go in there today, and my carefully cultivated vibe is ruined.
Hey, Eddie! Mmm-wah! The whole place smelled like beef jerky and rolaids.
How could Sean let this happen? Let what happen? Well, what's the matter with you? How could you become a Knight? It was necessary.
Necessary? When we were kids, and dad used to go on about the knights, we made a vow that we would die before we ever became knights.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
We also made a vow that we'd never get jobs, we'd Cruise across the country on motorcycles, and marry Dallas cowboy cheerleaders.
I'm not the one who let those dreams die.
Uncle Eddie, does this dress look black? It's more of a blue-black.
Mom! Thanks, Eddie.
Call 'em like I see 'em.
Come on.
You should come.
You should come and see her at the pageant.
What the hell happened to our bar, Sean? Look, ed, do you think I'm enjoying this knights of hibernia experience? I am not.
Do you think I'd quit if I could? Yes, but I can't.
Lily's got her heart set on this pageant.
Lily does not seem like the kind of girl who's into pageants.
Yeah, that's what I thought initially.
And I'm telling you, Sean.
If you're worried about the bar, just join the lodge.
All us knights are big drinkers.
I don't know, dad.
Oh, god.
Please don't tell me you're joining the knights of hibernia.
I'm not.
Good, because the last thing that I need is to be forced into that stupid Rose of Shannon pageant.
It is so lame, with their stupid sashes and their idiotic tiaras.
God, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? It's so degrading, like you're a piece of meat waiting for an inspector to put a stamp on you.
I'm not meat.
You know, it's really insulting that they even still have pageants.
Relax, Lily.
I'm not joining the knights.
I don't care about the stupid pageant.
You don't care about me at all.
What?! You don't think I'm pretty.
Oh, baby, of course I do.
Of course I think you're pretty.
But not pageant pretty.
Why would you say that? Because you won't join the knights.
Ok, I'll join.
I'll join.
Aah! Oh, god.
I'm joining the knights.
Ok, so if I throw a big emotional tantrum, will you then quit the knights? I can't quit.
It would crush Lily.
Ok, But look at it from my perspective.
I spent months cultivating a hip, young crowd.
You think it was easy going to clubs every weekend and dialoguing hot women and going to movie premieres Yeah, Yeah, yeah, that sounds easy, 'cause I was scrubbing the toilets.
I wish I was scrubbing the toilets.
All right, ed.
I know, I know.
The bar is not what you expected.
I'm sorry, but it's not that bad.
It's full of flatulent old men now.
Well, I'm kind of comfortable with the flatulent old men.
You're comfortable with Them? Yeah, because something happened last week that I was extremely uncomfortable with.
Ok, So I'll see you later.
Ok, see ya.
Oh, and thanks for the notes.
I'll give them back to you tomorrow.
Cool.
Ok.
Huh.
Lily, who was that? That was Jenna.
She's in my english class.
Oh.
You guys study together, right? No, no, no.
First time.
She just transferred to st.
Finian's.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Ok.
Oh, god.
Mmm, looks yummy.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
I promise you satisfaction.
You know what satisfaction is, don't you? I will satisfy your every need, if you know what I mean, and what I mean is having sex with you that you will find enjoyable.
Heh heh heh heh.
Whoo! I served a high school girl alcohol! You didn't know.
Exactly.
I didn't know.
I should have known.
If I was doing my job, I would have known.
So say what you will about middle-aged drunk guys, but there's not much danger of me hitting on 'em.
Racism.
Seems kind of preachy.
Women's rights.
I don't want to be that edgy.
World hunger.
Boring.
That's it.
I'm out.
I've suggested 75 topics at least, from Ivory poaching to carpooling, and you've shot down every one of 'em.
Fine.
If it'll make you happy, I'll do carpooling.
It won't make me happy.
You know what? Nothing will make me happy.
This pageant is degrading.
I don't know why you want to be part of it.
I don't know.
I just do.
Sometimes, at school, I feel kind of invisible.
Haven't you ever just wanted people to make a big deal out of you, just once? Well, Yeah.
Yeah, there There was this one time when I was 9, and my grandfather See? I knew you'd understand.
I'm gonna go get my sheet music.
Hey.
I hope you're having fun with your little pirate club here because, um, your little pageant is making my life hell.
Hey, why does everyone think this is my idea of fun, huh? I have to go to the meetings 2 times a week, and at the initiation, shameful things happened.
To you or by you? Both.
Both.
Man, I always wanted to know what happens at those initiations.
What exactly do they do? I can't tell you.
Is there nakedness involved? I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Come on, at least show me the secret handshake.
I can't! Oh, come on.
That's what dad used to say.
I'm your brother.
I can't.
He won't show me, and I'm his wife.
Yeah, but I'm his brother.
I can't show anybody, all right? Mom! Why are you just standing there? I need to practice my song.
I'm talking to your father.
Oh! I see.
Everybody else in this family is more important than me.
No, everyone else is just a little more pleasant than you.
Mom, I'm sorry, but come on, you know how I feel.
You just told me that story about when you were 5.
Lily, I wasn't 5.
I was 9, and it was the summer that we Ok, I don't need to hear it all over again.
Could we do my song? This is the momen This is my note, find my key This is my note In about 2 seconds, I'm going to strangle you Ready for the meeting, Sean? Oh, yeah, dad.
Hot off the presses, I've got the program for tomorrow.
Oh! Let me see.
Grandpa, this picture's from, like, the fourth grade.
Yeah, look at you, grown-up teeth coming in every which way.
See your brother in his uniform? Pretty spiffy, huh? Yeah, he looks like the king of the crossing guards.
Grandpa, where's the talent portion? It's not listed here.
Oh, the talent portion.
No, they dropped that a couple of years ago.
What? Why? It was, uh It was just too painful to sit through.
Well, if there's no talent portion, what's the point? What kind of scholarship competition is this? We judge the contestants on merit.
What the hell is merit? Merit is Let me tell you a story.
Oh, forget it! If I can't sing, I'm just gonna look stupid.
I quit this stupid pageant.
Claudia: You do? Oh, good, yes! Yes, then I'm quitting the knights.
There you go.
What? How could you do this to me? You know how much this means to me.
I'm not quitting the knights.
I was joking.
It was just a joke.
Welcome back, brother Knight.
What's that woman doing? She's taping her daughter's boobs.
What? It keeps 'em up near your face where the judges can see 'em.
Who are these people? But 200 million kittens is just too many, so that's why we must all spray and neuter our cats.
Spay, not spray.
What is the matter with you? Oh, my God.
Look at that red hair.
Nice touch.
It's very Irish-looking.
Well, it's not Irish-looking.
It's Irish.
Hey, I'm not the one you have to convince.
Good luck.
My hair looks Fake? Hello, Lily.
You're in the pageant? Yeah, Jenna.
I am.
I didn't think you were the type.
Excuse me.
Your daughter is hogging the make-up table.
Oh, she's not done yet.
Yes, but, you see, Jenna has a real chance at winning.
So does Lily.
It's ok, mom.
Lily could use a little extra time.
Lily's had her time.
You've gotta get up now, honey.
No, you keep your little Butt right in that seat.
Take all the time you want.
My daughter is beautiful, and you know what else? She's gonna win this pageant.
Mom, I'm done.
No, mm-mmm, no way.
You're not.
I'm gonna score some tape.
Hey, Lily.
Hey, daddy.
Oh, thank you.
You look so beautiful.
Aah! Aah! Don't what? What? I was going to give her a little kiss.
Don't touch her.
No, no kiss.
You are dulling her just by breathing on her.
Look, we have work to do.
Ok.
Good luck, Lily.
Oh, thanks, Jenna.
Oh, is that your dad? Oh, yes, hi.
Pleasure to meet you for the first time.
Ok, guys.
Opening number, contestants.
Oh, oh.
Ok, wait.
Here, vaseline.
Check this out.
Oh, Hey, Hey, hey.
Jimmy, put that down now.
That helmet is sacred to the knights of hibernia.
Fine.
All right now.
You're just gonna take that? Hell, no.
No, look, here.
Bend down.
Ow, ow.
There, see? I can't get this off, you idiot.
Why would you want to? Aah! Ungh! May I present the fairest maidens in all the land The contestants for the Rose of Shannon.
It's Lily.
There she is.
Hey, Lily! There they are, the field of candidates.
They are all roses in my book, and now each girl will have the opportunity to share with us their thoughts on a vital issue of the day.
Chrissy habbershaw, please step forward.
Hey, Sean's been telling me all about the knights.
Tempted? Some of those rituals sound pretty cool.
I don't know.
Wait, wait.
What did he tell you? Those are supposed to be secret.
Oh, just the regular stuff, the oaths, handshakes.
Oh, Sean.
He could get kicked out for this.
You better keep your mouth shut.
Knight's honor.
Maybe we should Seal it with the secret handshake.
You're not very good at this.
I'm still picking it up.
I just taught it to you, didn't I? So that's why we must all spray Chrissy's mother: Damn it! Spay spay and Neuter my cat.
Woohoo! Chrissy's toast.
Whoo! They're dropping like flies out there, lil.
But all I got is my dumb platform.
If I could sing, sure, but now I'm just gonna be up there blabbing on and on about the environment.
Have faith in you, ok? We will figure out a way to beat them.
You're way better Than these stupid, plastic, little, Barbie-doll girls.
You think? Yes, and I am way better Than All their mothers.
But the homeless aren't homeless because they choose to be.
They are homeless because when they go home at night, there's nothing there but a box.
And our next prospective Rose is Lily finnerty.
Walt: Yay! Good evening.
My platform is an issue that I care very Deeply about The state of Our natural environment.
It's so easy to put off till tomorrow the tough choices we need to make, but to you I say this is the moment.
This is the moment The one greatest moment Like the first special moment I reach up and grab for a handful of stars And right now, in this moment This one shining moment I'm caught up in the rapture And dying to capture The love that you are This moment is us In all of our glory It's love's greatest story This moment is love You nailed it! You nailed it! Thank you, everybody, and remember the environment, folks.
Ahh.
My allergies are really acting up.
That Lily was great.
She was, wasn't she? Yeah, she's gonna win one of these years.
What do you mean, "One of these years," dad? She could win tonight.
Well, it's not her turn.
What are you saying? You're saying this thing's fixed? No, no, no.
It's just if a girl's been in the pageant for a few years, and her father's active in the lodge, Well, then everybody just agrees it's her turn.
It's only fair.
Oh, god.
That Lily's so good.
She's a shoo-in for 2005.
This nightmare is gonna repeat itself over and over again.
Here comes this year's girl.
Clap loud.
Show your knightly pride.
Jenna? Yeah.
Jenna Mcmullen.
You know her? No, I've never served her before in my life.
Please tell us about your platform.
My platform is entitled shattered dreams, the tragedy of teen drinking.
Statistics tell us that over 50% of teenagers admit to having one or more drinks of alcohol every week.
You've got to be kidding.
I would ask all the teens here today to follow my example and to abstain from alcohol.
I thank you, and so does America.
Did you see Lily? She has got this in the bag.
No, no, no.
Jenna's got it in the bag.
Oh, that teen alcohol thing? That's so tired.
No, no, no.
She's going to win.
They decide on it before it starts.
What? No, they can't do that.
Well, apparently, they can, and you know what's worse? Miss teen abstinence up there was swilling back pearatinis at the red boot last week.
How do you know? Eddie told me.
Wasn't he out of town? Oh, yeah.
Reggie told me.
Ladies and gentlemen, in the event our new Rose of Shannon cannot fulfill her duties, our first runner-up will take her place, and our first runner-up for the Rose of Shannon is miss Lily finnerty.
AND you're ok with this? No, of course I'm not, but what can I do? It's pre-ordained like pro wrestling.
Oh, dear god.
Take that off.
I can't.
Just stop that, Henry.
I was just making sure he was still alive in there.
Just ask me.
And the new Rose of Shannon, miss Jenna Mcmullen! Here ya go, sweetheart.
I am so happy for you.
No, no.
You know what? I am not gonna sit idly by while I am robbed.
Stop the proceedings.
They're over.
Oh, yeah? Maybe you'd like to know that Jenna, miss no alcohol pledge, is a booze-swilling liar.
What are you talking about? Oh, I'm talking about writing a letter to the paper, letting them know that your new Rose was seen tossing back a few at the red boot pub last week.
Oh, great.
Jenna? Were you drinking at the red boot pub last week? What? No.
My witnesses say otherwise.
I just had 2 martinis and a beer.
Excuse me.
I'm afraid there's been a little mistake.
The judges have retabulated the votes and our new Rose of Shannon is actually Lily finnerty.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, my allergies are way out of control.
Mine, too.
Oh, my god! That's him! That's the guy who served me alcohol.
Lily's dad served me! Oh, that's just pathetic.
They'll stoop to anything, won't they? This is the moment, the one greatest moment The moment I open Ying Yang's chinese restaurant The home of fine Mandarin and C-cantonese Food Food cut the ribbon.
Whoo! Is that it? No, you're singing at the noon meal at the senior center.
I have to do this for a year? Isn't it great?