Growing Pains s02e09 Episode Script
185972 - The Kid
ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO.]
: Eleven-oh-five on a Christmas Eve morning.
And by this time tomorrow, fellow kiddies, it'll all be over but the exchanging.
[OVER RADIO.]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jacket.
Scarf.
[SNIFFING.]
Blue.
All right.
Shirt.
Long sleeve.
Wrong style, exchange value, 22.
50.
-Do one of mine, Mike.
-Ben, I'm a little busy right now.
-Just one.
-All right, okay, one.
What a bright time, it's the right time Underwear.
Again? How am I supposed to have fun with underwear? I don't know.
Wear it backwards.
Where is this thing? -Do another, Mike.
-Ben, do you mind? I'm looking for the compact disc player I've hinted about.
Just one more, Mike.
Just one more, please.
All right, all right, all right.
-Socks.
-Socks? What the heck is going on around here? Hey, don't you let Santa catch you peeking.
He'll leave a lump of coal in your stocking.
I'm sure I'll have plenty of other socks.
Say, Dad, by chance, would you need a hand carrying all the other gifts to the tree? -The other gifts? -Like all the toys I asked for.
Why do I get the feeling neither of you understands the first thing about the true spirit of Christmas? It's like I've been saying all day, Ben, it's not what we get for Christmas it's what we give.
I will have a very merry Christmas no matter what I get under that tree even if it's not the CD player that's on sale at Crazy Harry's Computer and Stereo City for only $150.
Tsk.
You know, Mike, there are kids in this world who are worried about more than whether or not they get a stereo.
Which they would probably trade in a minute happily just to have what you already have, which is a family that loves you almost as much as you love yourself.
There, you happy now? You made him mad.
A reindeer.
Heh.
And a star, and a Christmas tree, and a Christmas, um.
Bra? No, Mom, it's a modem.
A modem? Yeah, the thing I told you I needed for my computer that if I get will make this the happiest Christmas ever.
Maggie, Carol, come here.
Come look.
It's snowing harder than before.
Oh, isn't it beautiful? JASON: Happy? MAGGIE: Yeah.
I was thinking how perfect it is.
I have my family, a beautiful home, everybody's healthy.
[LAUGHS.]
A great dinner's almost ready.
It's Christmas Eve and it's snowing.
I can't think of a single other thing we need.
A modem might come in mighty handy.
Oh, not you too, Carol.
Not me too what? Seems like the only thing you care about is whether you get this present you want.
Ha! I was only commenting that if I'm lucky enough to get a modem for my computer I'd be more than willing to share it with Mom who could use it by tying into virtually any database in the entire planet.
How could I have misjudged you? Oh.
Look at this, it's snowing harder.
Oh, isn't it beautiful? Beautiful? Mom, the roads are getting bad.
Where do you have to go on Christmas Eve that's more important than your family? Nowhere.
I was just thinking of my dear old dad.
Where does he have to go? Crazy Harry's Computer and Stereo City Christmas Eve Blowout.
Come on, are you guys getting a kickback from this man or what? Ho-ho-ho.
Boy, have I got great news.
You know how you have been saying the meaning of Christmas has got nothing to do with presents and other stuff? We talked about how sharing and giving are more important than getting.
Yeah, well, I was in the dumpster behind the pizza place around the corner and-- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Ben, what were you doing in the dumpster? Christmas shopping for Mike.
Ben, your news? Yeah, well, I met this kid and I invited her home for Christmas Eve dinner.
What did you do? I brought her home so we could all share the joy of giving.
Hey, kid.
-Mom, this is nuts.
-This is going to ruin my entire Christmas.
You're just too young to be inviting strangers.
We can give her everything, because she doesn't have anything.
Isn't this fantastic? Ben, we thought you understood that if anytime a stranger should come up to you for any reason-- That you should have nothing to do with them.
I know.
Honey, when we're in the city and someone comes up to me and asks me for money, what do I do? -You keep walking.
-Right.
And Dad gives them the money.
-What? -We can talk about this later.
Ben, the point is, well, you're still a young boy and if somebody asks you for something you're just too young to decide for yourself whether they're needy or dangerous.
But she didn't ask me for anything.
-Well, how did you meet her? -I jumped on her head.
-What? -Well, as I was getting into the dumpster-- What was she doing in the dumpster? Waiting for the pizza place to throw out a pizza.
Oh, dear.
You know the fat guy at the pizza place with the funny mole with the hair growing out of it? Well, he came out and told us he was calling the cops.
Since it was snowing and she didn't have anything to eat or any place to stay, I invited her to come here.
That's what you guys would have done, right? Well, I don't-- -She maybe-- One of us-- -Well, not-- Jason.
Maybe.
-The john? -We don't have one.
No, it's down the hall, to your left.
How could you let her use our bathroom? Hey, I never use that bathroom.
Where is she? She didn't like the way Carol smelled, so she left.
-She's in the bathroom.
-Oh.
I'd better get some towels.
It seems as though Ben has presented all of us with quite a challenge.
So, what's gonna be his punishment? -I'm not punishing him.
-What? And the girl will be staying for dinner and spending the night.
[IN UNISON.]
What? Oh, come on, Dad, grow up.
Hey, Dad, there's a real fine line between being nice and stupid.
Where do you two get these kind of ideas? Where is the disinfectant? -Maggie.
-Yes? Would you explain to Carol and Mike how you feel? Oh, well, I agree with your dad that we should share our dinner with this girl.
-And let her spend the night.
-Oh, come on, Jason, grow up.
Well-- Hello.
We haven't officially met.
I'm Jason, this is Maggie.
Carol and Mike, this is Ben's brother and sister.
-Who's Ben? -Ben's the kid you met in the dumpster.
Our son.
-And you are? -Nancy Reagan.
Well, Nancy, nice to finally meet you in person.
Meet you in person.
Heh-heh.
Well, okay.
Ahem.
You know, there's just enough time before dinner for a nice hot shower.
So go ahead.
[WATER RUNNING.]
I have something for you to put on after your shower, Mrs.
Reagan.
I'll just slip your clothes into the washer.
-I don't wanna put you out or nothing.
-Oh, no, no, it's my pleasure.
I mean, how much trouble could it be to rinse out a couple of, you know-- Oh.
Things.
Oh, I hope my washer has a yuck cycle.
[SINGING.]
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny Knife JASON: Honey, can I come in? -Oh, please do.
I bribed the kids to set the table.
-Jason.
-Honey.
I'm sorry, I'll never bribe them again.
What are you doing? Oh, Jason, this belongs to her.
Oh, boy.
Honey, I think charity is wonderful, and you're a dear sweet man but can't we help someone who doesn't pack a pig-sticker? Honey, calm down.
Don't get excited.
Easy for you.
You're trained to deal with disturbed people.
You don't know that this kid is disturbed.
Jason, don't you think the fact that she lives in filth and carries her own cutlery indicates a teensy, weensy problem? Honey, I have an awful lot of experience dealing with runaways down at the shelter.
-I know.
-I know that they're lonely and desperate.
-Yes.
-They're frightened.
-Me too.
-All right, then let me talk to her.
I can promise you one thing.
She won't get the knife back.
If I sense any danger, I'll call the authorities.
Okay.
You see, I do know how to handle disturbed people.
Don't push your luck.
Feel better? Cleaner.
Hey, that's my blade.
Well, we would prefer that our guests were unarmed.
Fine.
Give me the knife and I'll split.
Can we talk? Just let me leave.
-Sit down.
-Why? Because I have a problem with the idea of you wandering the streets cold and hungry on Christmas Eve.
So you're a Democrat.
-Talk, or should I call the authorities? -Republican.
Sit.
If you're thinking of calling the juvies, I got things to do than talking to some stupid shrink.
Well, then, this isn't your day.
What do you mean? I'm a stupid shrink.
Oh, boy.
Out of all the dumpsters in the world, your kid had to fall into mine.
I don't see any Secret Service people around so I'm going to assume that you're not really Nancy Reagan.
Say, you are good.
Why did you run away? I didn't like the new TV season.
If everybody who hated TV did that, we won't have an empty dumpster between here and Denver.
Why did you really leave home? Because nobody wanted me there.
Your parents told you that? Look, doc, let me save you some time.
Nobody hit me, nobody touched me, nobody did anything.
Nobody gave a damn.
You sure? Look, who cares? I don't anymore.
I don't believe you.
So what? So if you want to use our phone, you don't have to tell them where you are.
Just make a call and let them know you're still alive, okay? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
You're gonna call the heat now, aren't you? That figures, that just figures.
No, I'm not gonna call anybody.
You see, you're wrong about me.
If you could be wrong about me you should consider the possibility you might be wrong about your folks too.
And for your information, in the last three elections I voted Independent.
[OVER STEREO.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la Mom, could you turn that down a little bit? Wait, wait, you're asking me to turn the stereo down? Yeah, all right, I know it's a first but, come on I'm getting fa-la-la-la-la'd to death here.
No problem, I'll put on The Beach Boys Christmas Album.
No, no, this is fine.
-Oh, Ben, don't you look--? -Save it, Mom.
This suit has weenie written all over it.
Hey, Ben, where's the kid? CarolÂs dressing her in some dippy outfit.
All's I know is she's not sitting next to me when I'm trying to eat.
Make way for big pig.
Heh-heh-heh.
And this is the last of it.
Hey, Mom, you should have heard what Dad just called you.
Let's eat, let's eat, let's eat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, aren't we missing Carol and our guest? You look fine, I swear.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Oh, don't you look wonderful? -Jason, doesn't she look beautiful? JASON: I know.
She doesn't look dippy at-- Ow! I'm sorry.
Was that you I kicked, Ben? Why don't you sit next to Ben? [SIGHS.]
You even smell good.
[CHUCKLES.]
I hardly miss the dumpster.
On that festive note I would like to remind you all of the great Seaver family tradition where we go around the table and everyone tell-- Everyone tells everybody else why they're so thankful for this.
-Dad, we do this every year.
-Well, if you'd rather just forget about it-- ALL: Yes.
-You're out of luck, okay? All right, now, Ben, you start.
-Come on, Ben.
-You go, Ben.
All right.
I'm thankful that I got taller this year and Mike didn't.
-That's it? -Oh, yeah.
And I'm thankful there wasn't too much damage from the goofy glue incident.
Uhn.
It could have happened to anyone.
-Carol? -Okay.
Well, I'm glad that I got straight A's for the seventh year in a row.
And I'm also pretty pleased that Bobby Winett finally called me after three weeks.
Ooh.
Oh, and I'm very happy that my whole family is healthy.
Oh, honey, that's sweet.
At least physically.
[LAUGHING.]
It was funny.
Yeah.
All right, Mike, your turn.
Where to begin? [CHUCKLES.]
No, okay, I'm thankful for my car.
Even though upkeep and routine maintenance has gone through the roof which can drain a teenager's part-time job income, wiping out any-- Mike.
-Yeah, Dad? -Never mind.
-All right, you're up, Maggie.
-Okay.
-Mom.
-Yeah.
Okay, well, let's see.
I'm thankful for my kids.
And my career.
And I owe it all to the smartest, sexiest guy in the whole US of A.
Just kidding.
Ha-ha-ha.
No, honey, I'm serious.
-Oh, brother.
-Oh, God.
All right, it's my turn.
This could take us into New Year's.
Well, I'm thankful that the Seavers made it through yet another year without any major disasters with the exception of the goofy glue incident.
And I'm thankful that our lives are so full of-- Shut up, Mike.
--joy.
I'm thankful we have a guest in our home this year who will go back out into the world and tell the people that the Seavers' worst crime is that we're a little corny.
[LAUGHING AND CHEERING.]
Yeah, Dad.
-Well, let's eat.
-Yes.
BEN: Wait a minute.
Nancy Reagan has to tell us what she's thankful for.
I got nothing to say.
-That's okay.
MIKE: No, no, it's not.
If we're supposed to treat her like family that she should suffer the same humiliation we do.
-Come on.
-Let's just forget it and just-- But, Dad, you said she-- Ow! All right, who kicked me this time? Oh, okay, okay.
Uh.
Ben, I'm thankful that you fished me out of the garbage.
And, Mrs.
Seaver, thank you for washing my clothes.
And, Carol, thank you for lending me your outfit.
I'm thankful that I'm not freezing to death in the snow.
For one day, at least.
[UTENSIL CLANGS.]
Gee, next to all that, the goofy glue incident seems pretty silly.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[CLOCK CHIMING.]
MAGGIE: Jason, watch out for the-- JASON: Ow! MAGGIE: Table.
Jason, do you realize this is the first year that the kids are actually going to be surprised on Christmas morning? Well, the attic was a stroke of genius.
I'm glad I thought of it.
Honey, does it ever occur to you that we just have too much? Yep, we sure are lucky.
JASON: I mean, look at all of this.
"To Carol from us.
To Ben from us.
-To us from Ben.
" -Oh, "To Carol from Mike.
To Mike from Mike?" Look at this, "To Nancy Reagan from Carol.
" "To Nancy from Ben.
" -Honey, look at these.
-I don't have to.
This is to Nancy from Mike.
-Well, they didn't have time to shop.
-Can you believe this? Well, either our kids are learning something about Christmas or we're learning something about our kids.
[SNIFFLES.]
Well, who asked them? Who the hell asked them? [SCREAMS.]
Mom, Dad, Carol, Mike.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ben, what is it? What's wrong? -What is it? -Look.
-Oh, no.
-She took everything.
Even my socks and underwear.
Just tell me this had you brought the good presents down from the attic yet? Mike, this is no time to be thinking of yourself.
Yesterday was the time for that before Mr.
Goofy Glue here brought his friend the cat burglar home.
-What a rip off.
-Boy, are we suckers.
Michael, just stop it.
I can't believe it, I mean, I was talking to her.
I thought I was getting somewhere with her.
Now she's getting somewhere with our Christmas.
-I'm going after her.
-Me too.
Kids, you aren't going to find anything outside.
You-- -Wow.
-What do you know, Jason? She couldn't go through with it.
Why do you think she stopped? I mean, she was home free.
Maybe she was scared.
-Or sorry.
-Or nice.
Or maybe she was just as affected by us as we were by her.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Hi, Daddy? It's Denise.
Yeah, it's really me.
I'm fine.
How are you? [SOBS.]
Yeah.
Well, merry Christmas to you.
Yeah.
: Eleven-oh-five on a Christmas Eve morning.
And by this time tomorrow, fellow kiddies, it'll all be over but the exchanging.
[OVER RADIO.]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jacket.
Scarf.
[SNIFFING.]
Blue.
All right.
Shirt.
Long sleeve.
Wrong style, exchange value, 22.
50.
-Do one of mine, Mike.
-Ben, I'm a little busy right now.
-Just one.
-All right, okay, one.
What a bright time, it's the right time Underwear.
Again? How am I supposed to have fun with underwear? I don't know.
Wear it backwards.
Where is this thing? -Do another, Mike.
-Ben, do you mind? I'm looking for the compact disc player I've hinted about.
Just one more, Mike.
Just one more, please.
All right, all right, all right.
-Socks.
-Socks? What the heck is going on around here? Hey, don't you let Santa catch you peeking.
He'll leave a lump of coal in your stocking.
I'm sure I'll have plenty of other socks.
Say, Dad, by chance, would you need a hand carrying all the other gifts to the tree? -The other gifts? -Like all the toys I asked for.
Why do I get the feeling neither of you understands the first thing about the true spirit of Christmas? It's like I've been saying all day, Ben, it's not what we get for Christmas it's what we give.
I will have a very merry Christmas no matter what I get under that tree even if it's not the CD player that's on sale at Crazy Harry's Computer and Stereo City for only $150.
Tsk.
You know, Mike, there are kids in this world who are worried about more than whether or not they get a stereo.
Which they would probably trade in a minute happily just to have what you already have, which is a family that loves you almost as much as you love yourself.
There, you happy now? You made him mad.
A reindeer.
Heh.
And a star, and a Christmas tree, and a Christmas, um.
Bra? No, Mom, it's a modem.
A modem? Yeah, the thing I told you I needed for my computer that if I get will make this the happiest Christmas ever.
Maggie, Carol, come here.
Come look.
It's snowing harder than before.
Oh, isn't it beautiful? JASON: Happy? MAGGIE: Yeah.
I was thinking how perfect it is.
I have my family, a beautiful home, everybody's healthy.
[LAUGHS.]
A great dinner's almost ready.
It's Christmas Eve and it's snowing.
I can't think of a single other thing we need.
A modem might come in mighty handy.
Oh, not you too, Carol.
Not me too what? Seems like the only thing you care about is whether you get this present you want.
Ha! I was only commenting that if I'm lucky enough to get a modem for my computer I'd be more than willing to share it with Mom who could use it by tying into virtually any database in the entire planet.
How could I have misjudged you? Oh.
Look at this, it's snowing harder.
Oh, isn't it beautiful? Beautiful? Mom, the roads are getting bad.
Where do you have to go on Christmas Eve that's more important than your family? Nowhere.
I was just thinking of my dear old dad.
Where does he have to go? Crazy Harry's Computer and Stereo City Christmas Eve Blowout.
Come on, are you guys getting a kickback from this man or what? Ho-ho-ho.
Boy, have I got great news.
You know how you have been saying the meaning of Christmas has got nothing to do with presents and other stuff? We talked about how sharing and giving are more important than getting.
Yeah, well, I was in the dumpster behind the pizza place around the corner and-- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Ben, what were you doing in the dumpster? Christmas shopping for Mike.
Ben, your news? Yeah, well, I met this kid and I invited her home for Christmas Eve dinner.
What did you do? I brought her home so we could all share the joy of giving.
Hey, kid.
-Mom, this is nuts.
-This is going to ruin my entire Christmas.
You're just too young to be inviting strangers.
We can give her everything, because she doesn't have anything.
Isn't this fantastic? Ben, we thought you understood that if anytime a stranger should come up to you for any reason-- That you should have nothing to do with them.
I know.
Honey, when we're in the city and someone comes up to me and asks me for money, what do I do? -You keep walking.
-Right.
And Dad gives them the money.
-What? -We can talk about this later.
Ben, the point is, well, you're still a young boy and if somebody asks you for something you're just too young to decide for yourself whether they're needy or dangerous.
But she didn't ask me for anything.
-Well, how did you meet her? -I jumped on her head.
-What? -Well, as I was getting into the dumpster-- What was she doing in the dumpster? Waiting for the pizza place to throw out a pizza.
Oh, dear.
You know the fat guy at the pizza place with the funny mole with the hair growing out of it? Well, he came out and told us he was calling the cops.
Since it was snowing and she didn't have anything to eat or any place to stay, I invited her to come here.
That's what you guys would have done, right? Well, I don't-- -She maybe-- One of us-- -Well, not-- Jason.
Maybe.
-The john? -We don't have one.
No, it's down the hall, to your left.
How could you let her use our bathroom? Hey, I never use that bathroom.
Where is she? She didn't like the way Carol smelled, so she left.
-She's in the bathroom.
-Oh.
I'd better get some towels.
It seems as though Ben has presented all of us with quite a challenge.
So, what's gonna be his punishment? -I'm not punishing him.
-What? And the girl will be staying for dinner and spending the night.
[IN UNISON.]
What? Oh, come on, Dad, grow up.
Hey, Dad, there's a real fine line between being nice and stupid.
Where do you two get these kind of ideas? Where is the disinfectant? -Maggie.
-Yes? Would you explain to Carol and Mike how you feel? Oh, well, I agree with your dad that we should share our dinner with this girl.
-And let her spend the night.
-Oh, come on, Jason, grow up.
Well-- Hello.
We haven't officially met.
I'm Jason, this is Maggie.
Carol and Mike, this is Ben's brother and sister.
-Who's Ben? -Ben's the kid you met in the dumpster.
Our son.
-And you are? -Nancy Reagan.
Well, Nancy, nice to finally meet you in person.
Meet you in person.
Heh-heh.
Well, okay.
Ahem.
You know, there's just enough time before dinner for a nice hot shower.
So go ahead.
[WATER RUNNING.]
I have something for you to put on after your shower, Mrs.
Reagan.
I'll just slip your clothes into the washer.
-I don't wanna put you out or nothing.
-Oh, no, no, it's my pleasure.
I mean, how much trouble could it be to rinse out a couple of, you know-- Oh.
Things.
Oh, I hope my washer has a yuck cycle.
[SINGING.]
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny Knife JASON: Honey, can I come in? -Oh, please do.
I bribed the kids to set the table.
-Jason.
-Honey.
I'm sorry, I'll never bribe them again.
What are you doing? Oh, Jason, this belongs to her.
Oh, boy.
Honey, I think charity is wonderful, and you're a dear sweet man but can't we help someone who doesn't pack a pig-sticker? Honey, calm down.
Don't get excited.
Easy for you.
You're trained to deal with disturbed people.
You don't know that this kid is disturbed.
Jason, don't you think the fact that she lives in filth and carries her own cutlery indicates a teensy, weensy problem? Honey, I have an awful lot of experience dealing with runaways down at the shelter.
-I know.
-I know that they're lonely and desperate.
-Yes.
-They're frightened.
-Me too.
-All right, then let me talk to her.
I can promise you one thing.
She won't get the knife back.
If I sense any danger, I'll call the authorities.
Okay.
You see, I do know how to handle disturbed people.
Don't push your luck.
Feel better? Cleaner.
Hey, that's my blade.
Well, we would prefer that our guests were unarmed.
Fine.
Give me the knife and I'll split.
Can we talk? Just let me leave.
-Sit down.
-Why? Because I have a problem with the idea of you wandering the streets cold and hungry on Christmas Eve.
So you're a Democrat.
-Talk, or should I call the authorities? -Republican.
Sit.
If you're thinking of calling the juvies, I got things to do than talking to some stupid shrink.
Well, then, this isn't your day.
What do you mean? I'm a stupid shrink.
Oh, boy.
Out of all the dumpsters in the world, your kid had to fall into mine.
I don't see any Secret Service people around so I'm going to assume that you're not really Nancy Reagan.
Say, you are good.
Why did you run away? I didn't like the new TV season.
If everybody who hated TV did that, we won't have an empty dumpster between here and Denver.
Why did you really leave home? Because nobody wanted me there.
Your parents told you that? Look, doc, let me save you some time.
Nobody hit me, nobody touched me, nobody did anything.
Nobody gave a damn.
You sure? Look, who cares? I don't anymore.
I don't believe you.
So what? So if you want to use our phone, you don't have to tell them where you are.
Just make a call and let them know you're still alive, okay? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
You're gonna call the heat now, aren't you? That figures, that just figures.
No, I'm not gonna call anybody.
You see, you're wrong about me.
If you could be wrong about me you should consider the possibility you might be wrong about your folks too.
And for your information, in the last three elections I voted Independent.
[OVER STEREO.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la Mom, could you turn that down a little bit? Wait, wait, you're asking me to turn the stereo down? Yeah, all right, I know it's a first but, come on I'm getting fa-la-la-la-la'd to death here.
No problem, I'll put on The Beach Boys Christmas Album.
No, no, this is fine.
-Oh, Ben, don't you look--? -Save it, Mom.
This suit has weenie written all over it.
Hey, Ben, where's the kid? CarolÂs dressing her in some dippy outfit.
All's I know is she's not sitting next to me when I'm trying to eat.
Make way for big pig.
Heh-heh-heh.
And this is the last of it.
Hey, Mom, you should have heard what Dad just called you.
Let's eat, let's eat, let's eat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, aren't we missing Carol and our guest? You look fine, I swear.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Oh, don't you look wonderful? -Jason, doesn't she look beautiful? JASON: I know.
She doesn't look dippy at-- Ow! I'm sorry.
Was that you I kicked, Ben? Why don't you sit next to Ben? [SIGHS.]
You even smell good.
[CHUCKLES.]
I hardly miss the dumpster.
On that festive note I would like to remind you all of the great Seaver family tradition where we go around the table and everyone tell-- Everyone tells everybody else why they're so thankful for this.
-Dad, we do this every year.
-Well, if you'd rather just forget about it-- ALL: Yes.
-You're out of luck, okay? All right, now, Ben, you start.
-Come on, Ben.
-You go, Ben.
All right.
I'm thankful that I got taller this year and Mike didn't.
-That's it? -Oh, yeah.
And I'm thankful there wasn't too much damage from the goofy glue incident.
Uhn.
It could have happened to anyone.
-Carol? -Okay.
Well, I'm glad that I got straight A's for the seventh year in a row.
And I'm also pretty pleased that Bobby Winett finally called me after three weeks.
Ooh.
Oh, and I'm very happy that my whole family is healthy.
Oh, honey, that's sweet.
At least physically.
[LAUGHING.]
It was funny.
Yeah.
All right, Mike, your turn.
Where to begin? [CHUCKLES.]
No, okay, I'm thankful for my car.
Even though upkeep and routine maintenance has gone through the roof which can drain a teenager's part-time job income, wiping out any-- Mike.
-Yeah, Dad? -Never mind.
-All right, you're up, Maggie.
-Okay.
-Mom.
-Yeah.
Okay, well, let's see.
I'm thankful for my kids.
And my career.
And I owe it all to the smartest, sexiest guy in the whole US of A.
Just kidding.
Ha-ha-ha.
No, honey, I'm serious.
-Oh, brother.
-Oh, God.
All right, it's my turn.
This could take us into New Year's.
Well, I'm thankful that the Seavers made it through yet another year without any major disasters with the exception of the goofy glue incident.
And I'm thankful that our lives are so full of-- Shut up, Mike.
--joy.
I'm thankful we have a guest in our home this year who will go back out into the world and tell the people that the Seavers' worst crime is that we're a little corny.
[LAUGHING AND CHEERING.]
Yeah, Dad.
-Well, let's eat.
-Yes.
BEN: Wait a minute.
Nancy Reagan has to tell us what she's thankful for.
I got nothing to say.
-That's okay.
MIKE: No, no, it's not.
If we're supposed to treat her like family that she should suffer the same humiliation we do.
-Come on.
-Let's just forget it and just-- But, Dad, you said she-- Ow! All right, who kicked me this time? Oh, okay, okay.
Uh.
Ben, I'm thankful that you fished me out of the garbage.
And, Mrs.
Seaver, thank you for washing my clothes.
And, Carol, thank you for lending me your outfit.
I'm thankful that I'm not freezing to death in the snow.
For one day, at least.
[UTENSIL CLANGS.]
Gee, next to all that, the goofy glue incident seems pretty silly.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[CLOCK CHIMING.]
MAGGIE: Jason, watch out for the-- JASON: Ow! MAGGIE: Table.
Jason, do you realize this is the first year that the kids are actually going to be surprised on Christmas morning? Well, the attic was a stroke of genius.
I'm glad I thought of it.
Honey, does it ever occur to you that we just have too much? Yep, we sure are lucky.
JASON: I mean, look at all of this.
"To Carol from us.
To Ben from us.
-To us from Ben.
" -Oh, "To Carol from Mike.
To Mike from Mike?" Look at this, "To Nancy Reagan from Carol.
" "To Nancy from Ben.
" -Honey, look at these.
-I don't have to.
This is to Nancy from Mike.
-Well, they didn't have time to shop.
-Can you believe this? Well, either our kids are learning something about Christmas or we're learning something about our kids.
[SNIFFLES.]
Well, who asked them? Who the hell asked them? [SCREAMS.]
Mom, Dad, Carol, Mike.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ben, what is it? What's wrong? -What is it? -Look.
-Oh, no.
-She took everything.
Even my socks and underwear.
Just tell me this had you brought the good presents down from the attic yet? Mike, this is no time to be thinking of yourself.
Yesterday was the time for that before Mr.
Goofy Glue here brought his friend the cat burglar home.
-What a rip off.
-Boy, are we suckers.
Michael, just stop it.
I can't believe it, I mean, I was talking to her.
I thought I was getting somewhere with her.
Now she's getting somewhere with our Christmas.
-I'm going after her.
-Me too.
Kids, you aren't going to find anything outside.
You-- -Wow.
-What do you know, Jason? She couldn't go through with it.
Why do you think she stopped? I mean, she was home free.
Maybe she was scared.
-Or sorry.
-Or nice.
Or maybe she was just as affected by us as we were by her.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Hi, Daddy? It's Denise.
Yeah, it's really me.
I'm fine.
How are you? [SOBS.]
Yeah.
Well, merry Christmas to you.
Yeah.