Hacks (2021) s01e02 Episode Script


1 All right, out.
Squeeze the pelvic floor.
Jesus Christ, Marty.
You're putting an awful lot of effort into this one.
- Ma'am, you can't - Help.
Hang on.
I'll just be a second.
- What? - I'm not doing fewer dates.
Well, it really wasn't a request.
Well, I don't know who you're gonna get.
Did you hear about Pentatonix? - What? - Well, Steve Wynn found out about your offer somehow and gave them dates at the Encore.
Huge up-front guarantee they didn't even counter.
Oh, take it easy on his pelvic floor.
You really want to do this, Deb? You really want to try to fuck me here? Oh, Marty.
I'll never be doing that again.
He leaves his t-shirt on, you know? Oh That's not true.
And now for the KTQZ weather report.
Expect highs of 111 degrees in Clark County today, so make sure to stay out of the sun.
Common savers can now take advantage of relaxed withdrawal rules around 401s.
That's exactly right, Joe.
You know, a lot of people are taking losses and do need extra help, but actually Morning.
He's a miracle worker.
There's nothing you can't do.
We're thinking of doing the fuzzy slippers instead of the glitter wrapping paper.
Good, the fuzzy slippers always sell really well.
And can we get color options on that too? Of course.
Excuse me.
The non-smoking section's over there.
Can I get your attention please? All casino employees are reminded to submit timecards by 5:00 p.
All timecards must be turned in by 5:00 p.
m To be paid in a timely manner.
- Hey.
- Hey, beautiful.
I keep thinking about last night.
I I didn't think it was gonna be so ticklish but - What the fuck? - Wait, who is this? Ava, your client.
You called me.
Kayla! Oh, yes.
You are next on my call sheet.
I was about to call you but, um, how're you doing? How's Vegas? Are you and Deborah Vance Thelma and Louise yet or what? No, but, uh, but I do want to drive off a cliff.
How long do I have to do this? Well, it's been three days, so longer than that.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
You're there to write material for Deborah's show, you know, punch ups for appearances and things like QVC, and, you know, any personal joke writing Yeah, I know the literal job description.
I signed a 470-page NDA.
Seems right.
God! - Too much.
- Okay, Kayla.
You're supposed to be on mute.
Oh, I am.
I just pushed the thing, bud.
Okay, bud.
We can hear you.
So you're definitely not.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm not listening.
I'm laughing at a meme.
It's like a there's a Minion with a big eyeball.
You're supposed to be listening.
We talked about this.
You listen and you take notes, right? Yeah.
So okay.
Where's my notebook? Hey, I need to leave early.
I have an adult ballet recital.
Like, just, I can't miss this one because I missed last week.
It just wouldn't make sense.
The whole thing will be off.
Should I leave you two alone? Kayla, can you jump off, please? - No problemo.
- Thank you.
Testing, Kayla, testing, testing.
- Okay.
- You need to fire her.
I would if I could but her father owns half the company so she's essentially my assistant and my boss.
How does everyone have rich parents except for me? Look.
Just hang in there, okay? Every job has a learning curve, right? When I was 15, I took a summer job at Cinnabon Jimmy, I gotta go.
If I don't keep moving, I remember that I'm here.
Are you there? You don't say goodbye.
She doesn't say goodbye.
All right, Kayla, do you want to come in here? Let's talk about this dance.
- I really like the jade.
- I do too.
But normals like subway tile.
Oh, God, they do.
I don't know, Marcus.
It's your flip.
- What's going on here? - Marcus flips properties on the side, like they do on HDTV.
I don't know.
I'm torn.
Let's ask her.
Jade or white? Uh, I think the white.
- Let's go with the jade.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Let me know how it goes.
So, do you think today you'll have time to look over what I've been working on? - Sure, just give me a minute.
- All right.
I noticed you weren't at my show last night.
Oh, sorry.
I came the night before.
I figured it was probably the same.
Should I be coming - Oh, crap! - I'll get it.
No, no, no, you're busy.
I'll get it.
Excuse me.
There we go.
Okay, let's go.
Is that a good hm? No.
Most of these are unusable but, um, this part works.
Oh, cool.
The set up.
You a lesbian? Um Not sure you can ask me that.
What? Someone's gonna show up and arrest me? Since you're my employer, it is illegal.
But If you're genuinely curious.
I used to only hook up with men, but when I masturbated, I thought about women.
So, then in college, I finally hooked up with this amazing TA, Phoebe.
And I realized that I could connect more emotionally with women, which led to deeper sexual experiences.
But sometimes I do still need penetrative sex with a dick to come.
But I don't know.
Maybe I was just conditioned by the porn that was fed to me by the algorithm, you know? So anyway, I'm bi.
Jesus Christ! I was just wondering why you were dressed like Rachel Maddow's mechanic.
So, the jokes? You didn't like any? They're not jokes.
I mean, they're, like, thought poems? "I had a horrible nightmare that I got a voice mail.
" What? It's funny because voice mails are annoying.
It's, like, just text.
First of all, if you start a sentence with "it's funny because," then it's probably not.
And second, jokes need a punchline.
Well, in my opinion, traditional joke structure is very male.
It's so focused on the ending.
It's all about the climax.
Oh, look who's talking.
I just got a TED Talk about yours.
- Deborah, Kiki's here.
- Oh, great.
Thanks, Josefina.
Sorry, are we done? What's happening? I'm playing blackjack.
I don't know what you're doing.
Why don't you just play at the casino? Oh, casinos are disgusting.
People smoke indoors.
Yeah, I know.
You make me live in one.
- Ha! - Hi, Deborah.
- Hello.
- Oh, cute hairdo.
- Oh, thank you.
- How's our little Luna? She's amazing! We just had her three-year check-up.
The doctor said her arms and legs are super long.
I think she's going to be a hip-hop dancer.
Oh, good for her.
Kiki, Ava.
Deal her in.
Oh, no.
I don't really know how to play.
Then why'd you follow me in here? Your call.
Uh, hit me? You just moved here, huh? Well, Vegas fucking slaps! You're gonna love it.
Not if she keeps playing like that.
Any, um Any guidance for me? Always hit on 16 and double down on 11.
I mean about the jokes.
Anything in particular you want? Yes, there should be more of them, and they should be funny.
Blackjack! Deborah! Yay, the Blackjack! The Blackjack! - Oh, my God.
- Thanks for the ride.
- Yeah, no problem.
It's on the way to my next gig.
Uh, nice car.
So sick, right? Whenever Deborah gets a new Rolls, I get the old one.
This is my third.
I cannot believe she gave you this car.
So far all I've gotten is emotional abuse.
Today she asked me about the Okay, that sounds like a bummer, but I've got to stop you.
I've got to sing the chorus whenever this song comes on.
I needed to lose you to find me ♪ God.
This dancing was ♪ Killing me softly ♪ I needed to hate you to love me ♪ Yeah ♪ To love, love, yeah ♪ To love, love, yeah ♪ To love, yeah ♪ I needed to lose you to love me, yeah ♪ Oh, okay.
You were complaining? Sorry.
I-I know I'm lucky to have a job, genuinely, I do.
I just, I don't understand why she's making it so hard.
Listen, Deborah's a hustler like me.
You see this dope shirt? This was hers.
She gave it to me.
Deborah had a glitter crop top? Uh-uh, no.
I had to cut off the sleeves and trim it.
Point is, her shit is ugly, but the quality is there.
So if you can't make it good, that is on you.
Oh, and don't kill me, but I'm gonna play that song two more times.
- Oh, this is a playlist? - Uh-huh.
Then why did I have to stop talking? Honey, when you're on shuffle, any song can play at any moment and it is through that randomness that we can totally receive meaning.
I needed to lose you to find me ♪ I can see it in your eyes, you wanna.
Killing me softly ♪ I needed to hate you to love me, yeah ♪ Oh, my God.
To love, love, yeah ♪ To love, love, yeah, to love, yeah ♪ Yeah! I needed to lose you to love me ♪ Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna - Really? - Yeah.
Oh, watch the drink.
I'm sorry.
I-I can't write in my room.
My neighbors are having, like, performatively loud sex and the business center is essentially like a fucking coke den.
Hey, can I get you a drink? Oh, yes.
Um, can I get a vodka soda? - Sure.
- Yeah.
Oh, drinks are on the house.
Oh, can I get two? Oh, I'll get you three, sweetie.
Yes! Do you want me to show you how to play? - Sure, yeah.
- Well, you have to match up the hamsters with the tabby cats.
The tabby cats.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, enjoy.
- You too.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy? You too? - Oh, my God, yes! - Yes! Chill, chill.
- Christina.
- Whoo! Have fun at Disney World.
Yeah, um This game is such fucking capitalist bullshit.
I won! Ah! Yes? Oh, um, I was just wondering if you got a chance to read any of the new stuff I sent for tonight? I did.
And? Better.
Um, it'll be great to hear them with a crowd.
- Fifteen, Ms.
- Thank you.
Oh, but I do love my wine, though.
Now, I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic.
I'd slur it.
But my idea of a perfect evening is a glass of wine, and if I'm feeling a little frisky, I'll pop in an adult film.
But here's the trick.
I watch it in reverse.
Because then it's about being rewarded for sex.
With a pizza! Have a good night.
You said my jokes were better.
- They were.
- Well, you didn't use any.
They were better because you stole them from yourself.
Half were from your film script.
The others were clearly dated rehashes you threw in.
- You read my script? - Yes.
I had Jimmy send me everything you've ever written.
I do my research.
So the next time you try to half-ass something, I Son of a - There she is.
- How dare you! Well, if I don't have Pentatonix, I've got to promote you, right? And the truth is, is you don't make me nearly as much money as lobster tail.
But if it's any consolation, I bet you taste just as good dipped in butter.
Um, I just I wanted to say I'm sorry that I gave you up-cycled material yesterday.
The crowd loved the show last night.
You might wanna lose that joke about Anna Nicole Smith though, as she is long dead.
Let me get this straight.
You not only don't write me anything funny or even original, and now you're telling me what jokes not to do? I'm sorry.
I think it's just been hard to write in your voice when I don't know you.
You know what? You make a good point.
Why don't we take a little drive? You can get to know me better on a little road trip.
Okay, cool.
What about what about the show tonight? Ah! We'll be back in time.
I'll speed.
Um, what do you think about the climate crisis? In theory, I'm an environmentalist but in practice, paper straws taste like a cardboard worm.
Hey, why don't you turn on the radio? All right.
Whoa, do you have, like, huge hands? Um, I think they're a normal size.
No, no.
They look like catcher's mitts.
Your manicurist must use a paint roller.
You know, some people think it's pretty cheap to make fun of other people's appearances.
Ugly people.
Had I known the drive was this long, I would have peed before we left.
- All right, well, just hurry.
- Okay.
Oh, wait, while you're in there, you might as well get me a Diet Coke from the fountain.
Okay! Jesus.
Do you have a reusable cup? Here you go.
Where's the change? Oh, it was only, like, 27 cents or something.
Go back and get it.
I should've finished college.
You see that antique shop there? - Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
I want you to go in there, and I want you to buy this for me.
I'm sor I'm sorry, what? What is what is that? That is a Jean Royère pepper shaker.
And I want it.
But I can't go in.
He'll gouge me.
You'll get a much better deal.
Oh, my God.
That's why we drove all the way out here.
You you didn't want to spend time getting to know each other.
You just wanted a pepper shaker mule.
Okay, when you go in there, don't make a beeline for the pepper shaker because he's gonna know you want it, so, you know, kind of casually browse, you know.
Look at a couple of other things but then, when you do, offer him five but go up to ten if you have to.
I'm sorry.
Is this $10,000? For for a pepper shaker? W Royère never made tableware.
It's very rare.
Okay, now don't mention my name.
Oh, and tell him it's personal to you.
He loves a story.
Hurry up! I hope you're donating regularly to Planned Parenthood.
Go! Well, hi there.
Hi, how's it goin'? Well, can I help you find something special? Um, no, I'm just browsing.
Um, how much is this? Well, look at you.
You have great taste.
That's one of the most valuable pieces in the store.
Oh, mm, yeah.
That's It's French, Sevres porcelain, signed, early 19th century, with exceptional provenance.
It was purchased by a member of the Obenchain-McMillan family at auction in 1930.
- Cute.
- It's listed for $32,000 but I could do 28 today.
Oh, mm, okay.
Oh, um, you know, this just occurred to me.
Do you have a pepper shaker? A single pepper shaker? Yeah.
I love them.
I did list one, just today.
Yep, yeah, wow.
That's so nice.
Uh, would you do 5,000? Are you here for Deborah Vance? - Yes.
- I explicitly told you not to say my name.
- He asked! Unbelievable.
Well, well, well.
She shows her face.
I can't believe you would stoop so low as to hire some niche escort off Craigslist to do your dirty work.
I wouldn't have to send anyone - if you'd just sell it to me! - Yeah, I wasn't joking, Deborah.
I will never sell to you.
Oh, get over it! Do you know how many years I put in with that rancid gorgon before she croaked? I played Parcheesi with her! And then you sweep in and buy the entire estate sale sight unseen.
- It's a free market! Come on! I'll give you 15.
- No.
- Oh, you stubborn ass! - 20? - Mm-mm, no.
Okay, name your price.
An apology.
No eating in the car.
Oh! Shit.
All right.
Should we get the spare? It's a Rolls Royce, not a Suzuki Samurai.
There is no spare.
Thing's got heated cup holders.
There's no fucking spare tire.
Okay, um, so we'll call Triple A.
My show's in 90 minutes.
I can't wait.
Danny, hi.
It's Deborah Vance.
Hi, baby.
I've got a flat, and I need to get to my show.
Yeah, I need a ride.
Can you pick me up? Ugh! You're a sweetheart.
Okay, I'm on Los Vegas Boulevard about um, 15 minutes north of Primm.
You'll see me! Okay.
Yeah, that is shredded, shredded to the bone.
So how long you gonna give me the silent treatment? It's not silent.
You're breathing very loudly.
You know, it's gonna be hard to work together if we can't communicate.
We don't work together.
You work for me.
And not very well.
You couldn't even do the one thing I asked.
Well, I'm sorry I couldn't haggle for your Jean Valjean tchotchke or whatever but I I'm a comedy writer.
Oh, my God.
You know, this isn't even about the pepper shaker.
It is most certainly about the pepper shaker.
No, I think you're just butthurt about that billboard, and you're taking it out on me.
Great psychoanalysis.
Oh, I get it.
You're a therapist.
That explains it.
You're certainly not a writer.
Yeah, how would you know? You barely give me the time of day! You skim my work.
I never know where you want me to be or when.
You don't give me any feedback.
You're making it really hard! Hard? You think this this is hard? You don't know what hard is.
You got plucked off the internet at what, 20? You just got lucky! I may have been lucky, but I'm also good.
Well, I should hope so.
Good is the minimum.
It's the baseline.
You have to be so much more than good.
And even if you're great and lucky, you still have to work really fucking hard! And even that is not enough.
You have to scratch and claw, and it never fucking ends.
And it doesn't get better.
It just gets harder.
So don't complain to me that I'm making your life hard.
You don't even know what that means.
Oh, good.
My ride's here.
I don't think I'm comfortable riding in a local news chopper.
Well, good, because you're not.
You've got to get the car back.
What, you're leaving me here? Yep! And don't run the AC.
It's low on gas.
Hey! Lucky for you, you don't have to suffer through another one of my shows! Nice catch! Not surprised.
Fuck it.
Jimmy Lusaque Jr.
's office.
Hi, Kayla.
Can I talk to Jimmy? - It's who is it? - Ava.
Oh, my goodness! We've gotta go to the club, girl.
Jimmy? You got a call.
Ava, jump on, babe.
Hey, hey.
How's it going? This woman left me in the middle of the desert.
I I'm so sorry, like, I will do any other job.
What about Camilla? Her room? Uh, the job you quit after 11 days because you said it was basic? I don't think so.
I can't do it, Jimmy.
Uh, Ava, they want me to drop you.
- Wait.
What? Who? - The partners.
I used this job with Deborah to convince them to let me keep you on.
I I don't wanna drop you.
You're the first person I signed for a reason.
Didn't you sign Lil Miquela before me though? Yes, but she's a CGI Instagram thirst trap bot, so it's different.
Look, you can do this, okay? You just have to find a way to prove it to her.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Jimmy.
Do I have big hands? - I don't think so.
- Yes, you do, girl.
- Kayla! - What? They're not big.
I wouldn't call them small, but I wouldn't call them big.
Don't worry about it.
Where's the girl? Did you bury her in the desert? Not yet.
Cue intro.
Ladies and gentlemen, Deborah Vance! This donut, it's too small for this car.
You can't drive faster than 50 miles per hour.
- Great, thank you.
- Yeah.
I'm closing! Jesus.
What happened to you? It's, um it's a long story.
So, then I had to leave LA.
It's pretty much the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and that's saying a lot because my dad had a stroke the same day I chipped a veneer.
And now, for your punishment, you've got to work for that woman? Poor girl.
Life is random, but I I think from that randomness we can totally receive meaning.
And right now, for me, there's meaning in that pepper shaker.
Because of that one stupid tweet, I'm stranded in the Nevada desert asking you to sell me an antique pepper shaker because otherwise, I'll lose this job that I hate but that I need.
So, it's not for Deborah.
It's for me.
So, please.
Will will you just sell me the pepper shaker? No.
I have to respect that.
Good luck.
- What are you doing? - Sell it to me.
Are you out of your mind? That's one of a kind! Sell me it! I have nothing left to lose! I'll do it! - Just stop! Put it down! - Sell me it! You think you have nothing in common with Deborah Vance? No, you're the same! You're both psychotic bitches! You have three seconds to take the money - or I'm gonna do it! - Please! Think of the Obenchain-McMillan family! I don't give a fuck about the Obenchain-McMillans! They probably owned slaves! Fuck you, Lemony Snicket! One! Two! Three! Here.
And no.
There was no change.
You look like hell.
Yeah, I had a pretty hard day.
Oh, we can start early tomorrow.
I can be ready for you at 10:00.
Oh, good morning.
So, I have been thinking more about what you said, and you're right.
You do need to get to know me to write for me.
- For real this time? - Yes.
Come with me.
This is everything I've ever done.
Every joke I've ever written.
Every show I've ever taped.
Every TV appearance for the last 40 years.
I want you to digitize it and organize it.
- Well, I'm not - Before you say anything, I know you're a writer.
That's all material, honey.
Uh, w
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